Chapter 7
The time spent waiting for the Queen's feast was nothing short of torture for Nick. The Queen had generously provided them with a guest suite, which was larger than Nick's house. It had swimming pool, roller rink, Ferris wheel, a network with hundreds of computers set up to play Tribes 2, a tennis court, and the King's stash of porn. Playing cards that had naked ladies on them had once appealed to Nick but naked ladies that were playing card, well that was just sick.
Then there was Eric and Steve. They were racing around the roller rink on their new custom Razorรค scooters. There was nothing Nick hated more then seeing people over the age of ten on those darn scooters. Eric had beat Steve in a race, and Steve had cried for five minutes straight until Eric let Steve beat him in. Normally Nick would have kicked the crap out of both of them, but Holly was here and he had to remain calm.
Earlier the Queen had offered to let them see a performance from a band of their choice. Nick, being a gentleman had let Holly pick. Of course she'd chosen Blink 182. Honestly it wouldn't have been that bad but the only things they played were songs from Enema of the State and Devo covers. Three and a half hours of nothing but "Adam's Song" and "Whip It" was enough to depress anyone. Oh, and seeing the group act out the "What's My Age Again" video for Holly had been quite disturbing as well.
And to top it all of Anna Kornikova had come from the tennis court in need of a doubles partner. Wouldn't it figure that there wasn't an extra tennis racket in the entire suite? (Somewhere Becher smiled.)
Needless to say Nick wasn't having the greatest time and he was a little relieved when the Six of Hearts strolled up to him with a message.
"Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, requests your presence in her private chambers," he said while winking at Nick.
"Finally, my hard work has paid off," Nick thought.
He knocked Steve off his scooter and hopped on.
"Which way to the Queen's quarters?" he asked.
"Down the hall to the left," the card guard said.
With that Nick speed furiously away.
"He took my scooter," Steve said, a tear forming in his eye.
"Let it go Steve," Eric said, "Nick's gone to become a man."
Well that's what Nick hoped anyway. After leaving the room Nick became frustrated with Steve's scooter, which had been custom made to fit Steve's girlish feet. He quickly discarded it and began to run down the hall. He then realized that he looked eager and very desperate (which in fact he was but he didn't want anyone else to know that) so he slowed to a walk. Of course walking made him look like an average guy and indeed he was not that either. So Nick began to strut. Yeah, that was it. A real casual, laid back strut.
Nick continued to strut down the hall until he reached a large door with a heart on it. He knocked.
A seductive voice replied, "Come in. I've been waiting."
Nick gulped and entered the room.
It was large. Large and red. With lots and lots of hearts. In the center of the room was a bed and on that bed sat the Queen of Hearts. Now I'm sure I know what you're thinking. You've seen the movie, played the game, and read the book and the Queen of Hearts is not hot. Well you're wrong. You see good ol' Lewis Carroll never actually met her and if he had, he would've been amazed, just like Nick was. When he'd seen her earlier at the trial he'd been amazed she'd look so different but that was nothing compared to the shock he felt now. Her hair, which was usually kept up tight in a bun, was down and it reached her waist. Her red hair was long and naturally curly and absolutely stunning. In the light it was so red it actually appeared to be burning. Her eyes were the bluest blue and Nick swore she could see right into his soul. She wore a dress, which was like a cross between that thing Shania Twain wore to the Grammy's a few years back, and Shannon Elisabeth's MTV Movie awards get up. (For those of you that don't know what either look like short, low cut, and see through. 'Nuff said) It was the kind of thing that would make your grandmother blush and say, "In my day women had respect for their bodies." Nick of course loved it.
Nick was usually never at a loss for words but right now words failed him. He felt like Becher the time they'd convinced Becher Victoria's Secret was a comic book shop.
"Come here Sweetie," the Queen said to him in an oh so seductive sort of way.
Nick came to her like an obedient dog. She put her hands on his face and pulled him so close, their noses touched.
"Ready to have some fun?" she whispered.
Nick just nodded. He was about to move in for the kill when a loud noise filled the room.
"Wh-What's that?!" Nick yelled.
"Shhh. That's only him snoring. Now be quiet or you'll wake him," she whispered rather fiercely.
Nick looked towards the noise. Sure enough the King of Hearts, the Queen's husband, was ten feet away, slumped over in a chair, sound asleep.
"I can't do this with you! Not with your husband right there!" Nick said in a rather sharp whisper.
"Relax I've done this thousands of times and he's never woken up," she said.
"Th-thousands?" Nick gulped.
Nick tried to protest but it was to late. The Queen was on top of him and planting kisses on his lips.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" the king bellowed.
"Hmm. Well I guess there's a first time for everything," the Queen whispered to Nick.
Nick just gulped.
"Darling I'm so glad you're awake. This, this ape burst into my room and began smothering me with affection. If you hadn't woke up who knows what he would have happened!" the Queen screamed, trying to sound innocent and panic-stricken.
Nick was scared to death.
"Honey. Please leave. I don't want you to see what I do to him," said the King.
The Queen whispered, "I'm sorry. Nothing will happen. I promise," as she left the room.
It did little to reassure Nick.
"You are a monster. And to think I trusted you after you helped me get rid of that filthy rabbit. Well, this was going to happen at the banquet tonight but because of your actions I can wait no longer!" the King was yelling rather loudly. His face had turned beat red.
He pulled out a remote control from the pocket of his robe, and pressed a button. The floor began to shake and open up. From it came a large metal contraption.
"Do you like it?" the King asked, "It is my new device of torture. I call it The Queen. You will be one of the first to feel its wrath!" the King yelled. It was obvious he was enraged.
Of course as mad as the King was it was kind of hard for Nick to be frightened of "The Queen." It was shaped like an enormous rubber duck and had racing stripes all over it.
"Uh, your highness if you don't mind me asking, what does it do?" Nick asked.
"Well um, it carries passengers down to the dark underworld of Wonderland of course," the King replied with a proud tone.
Nick had worked up some courage by now.
"That's it? That's not a torture device! It's transportation! It would've been cheaper to install a ladder, or fire poles, or something!" Nick yelled.
"Shut up! I'm the King and you're not! Now get on it!" the King yelled.
Not wanting to cause trouble, Nick got on top of "The Queen" and sat down. The White Rabbit was sitting in a steel cage next to him sobbing lightly.
"Err, hi," Nick said.
The rabbit flicked him off.
"Good bye!" the King yelled.
They slowly began to descend into Wonderland's shadowy underbelly. And that is how Nick, along with the White Rabbit, went down on The Queen.