Cid walked into the Quad, glancing around quickly. He knew that Squall had to be around here somewhere, this is where he always went when he was upset. Cid walked forward cautiously, not wanting to alert Squall to his presence, if he was even around at all, and stopped. He found himself standing underneath the tree that had been dedicated to Lily. Cid stared down at the bronze plaque and sighed softly. The last time he had been here was the day he'd seen Squall kill her. Cid knew it had been an accident, of course, but the place had always scared him a little.
"What are you doing here?" Cid heard. He looked around frantically, searching for the source of the voice. He stopped searching and looked up suddenly, seeing a dark figure lounging in the branches above.
"...Squall?" he said cautiously.
"...Yeah..."
"Squall... I know that you're upset-"
"Upset!?" the figure laughed out loud. "This goes way beyond upset, Cid..." The Headmaster sighed, how was he going to do this?
"Squall... I know that you're still worried about your 'gift,' but that has nothing to do with fighting the sorceress." Squall snorted.
"Nothing, Cid? More like everything! What do you think everyone's going to say when they find out that, to destroy the most dangerous female on the planet, you send the most dangerous man on the planet?! Huh? What do you think will happen then?" Cid opened his mouth, but Squall continued.
"I'll tell you what they'll do. They'll think it's the greatest idea ever, then, after the sorceress -Your wife, and my teacher, by the way- is killed, then what will they do? They'll get scared. Then they'll get paranoid. Then they'll band together and try to get rid of me! That's what they'll do! It isn't just your neck riding on the line, it's mine! It's the necks of the hundreds of others who live in this Garden! It's Irvine, Selphie, Zell, Quistis's and Rinoa's necks too! They're not safe from the sorceress, the Galbadians, and especially not me! I'm the most dangerous thing they play with, and they don't even fucking know it!" Cid stared quietly at the ground.
"Squall... this is about Lily, isn't it? This is about you not wanting to hurt your new friends. Not about you being scared of the sorceress, cos' I know, and you know, that you're not really scared of her. Squall, Lily's death was an accident. An accident… That's not going to happen to anyone else. You're much to careful to let it happen."
"...Cid... Lily died because I fucking touched her. Not the bloody spell, nothing else, because I touched her, because I have a reflex inside of me that I can't control, and will never be able to control. And it wasn't just Lily; don't forget Instructor Shinomori and the boy who worked in the infirmary that tried to help… Think about it though, what would happen if I got knocked out, or something, and one of my friends tried to help me? The moment they touch my skin... It's like signing their own death warrant," Squall sighed. "I don't think I could live with myself if that happened." Cid narrowed his eyes and stared up into the branches at Squall.
"So that's what it is then. You're being selfish, Squall. You're not worried about the sorceress destroying everything, or what would happen to Garden. Hell, you're not even really worried about your friends; you're worried about whether or not you could live with yourself if you screw up, and then what would happen to you, if the world found out and what they might do to you. You, you, you, you, you," Cid argued, hoping to hit Squall's sense of guilt and duty.
Suddenly, Squall landed on the ground next to Cid. The Headmaster took a step backward, he could tell that he'd hit a nerve. He could feel the air around him becoming static with electricity. He could see a pale purple light surround Squall and his normally blue-grey eyes were steadily turning a golden colour. The last person Cid had seen with eyes that colour had been Edea, right before she disappeared.
"Cid, you have no idea what I've been through. Do you know how excruciating it was for me to begin SeeD training? Knowing that every single class I was in was nothing but a course on how to kill myself? Or knowing that every person in that room was being trained to kill me? Well? What about growing up, knowing that I'm a threat to the whole world and that I shouldn't even be allowed to live? A danger to anyone who tried to get close?" Squall slowly started backing the Headmaster into a wall, his eyes growing more golden by the second, and his voice getting steadily louder.
"Well, Cid? Do you have any idea of the things I've had to see? The pain that I've been through? That I still go though every time I cast a damn spell? Or the number of times I've tried to kill myself? Knowing that I don't belong here, that I don't deserve to live? Do you!?" Squall was almost nose to nose with Cid, his eyes only revealing their true colour by a small ring of blue and grey surrounding his pupils. He swallowed hard and stared back at Squall, afraid to blink.
"No… I don't…" he finally croaked softly. Squall glared angrily at Cid for a moment and then took a step back, blinking. Cid watched as the purple glow disappeared and Squall's eyes reverted back to their original colour.
"I'm sorry," Squall whispered, closing his eyes. "I don't need this. Quistis would be a much better Commander, even Zell or Selphie would be, don't make me do it." The older man took a timid step forward; Squall had frightened him rather badly.
"…Squall. You're the best person for the job. Everyone respects you. You're the best fighter in Garden, you're smart and you're the only person who can possibly beat Edea. There is no one else who can take this job," he replied finally.
"But I don't want it! I don't want everyone to be relying on me! I don't want to be responsible for every life in this building!" Squall shouted. The Headmaster winced and moved a few steps closer to the door. "It's my life and I don't have to do it, dammit!" Cid blinked.
"…But Squall… It's not your life anymore. The moment I handed you your graduation certificate, your life became SeeD's…"
***
Squall lied in his room, staring blankly at the ceiling. It's not your life anymore… That sentence wouldn't leave Squall alone. (Why did I become a SeeD anyway? Why do I subject myself to this? I could have left when I was old enough… couldn't I?)
Squall smiled bitterly. (No, of course I couldn't have, they wouldn't let me leave Balamb Island until I was seventeen, why would they let me out of Garden? …And of course I couldn't attend Garden without training to be a SeeD, it would have looked suspicious otherwise…) Squall sighed and rolled onto his side, staring across his room at the mirror.
(If I did leave, where would I go anyway? I don't have any family, I don't have any friends, I have no where that I could stay… This has been my home for most of my life. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and do what I'm told. I can't really do anything about it… I wonder what the others are doing…) he thought, drifting slowly off to sleep.
***
"Hello Squall."
Squall knew that voice. He'd been hearing it for twelve years. Squall turned around and found himself in a plush sitting room. He didn't take any notice of it; he'd been there many times before.
"What do you want now?"
"Squall… Is that any way to treat an old friend?" Squall's eyes narrowed at the woman who was sitting before him. She'd been invading his dreams for years now, and he still had no idea if she was real or a figment of his ever-so demented mind.
"Quit playing games, just tell me what you want," he snarled at her. The woman smiled slightly and stood.
"Oh Squall. I do love it when you're angry…" she purred, walking around him, appraising him. Squall stiffened nervously as she circled him, feeling a bit like a trapped mouse, right before a cat devours it. The woman stopped, facing him, staring him down with her deep, golden eyes.
"So… How did it feel?" Squall blinked.
"How did what feel?"
"To kill? To watch the blood of another human being flow out of their body? To know that you hold a human life in the balance? How did it feel?" she asked, a fire burning in her eyes.
"…I hated it."
"Oh, come now Squall, it must've been such a thrill to know that with one gesture of your hand, you could've watched that arrogant bastard of a headmaster asphyxiate slowly," she said, her eyes glimmering playfully.
"NO!" Squall shouted and closed his eyes tightly. He didn't want to think -- no, didn't want to admit that somewhere, in the depths of his soul, he did feel elation at the fear he had caused Cid. The woman grinned maliciously.
"I'm right though, aren't I? Deep down in that 'pure' little soul of yours, you enjoyed it, didn't you?" Her smile vanished as Squall threw a silence spell at her.
"SHUT UP! IT'S NOT TRUE!" he shouted angrily at her. The woman dodged the spell and readied one of her own.
"Tsk tsk… Squall… You should know better than that," she smirked, mocking him. "You may be more powerful than I am, but I have much more experience, my dear boy." The woman stared at him for a second, her eyes glowing brightly, and then she threw a fireball at him. Squall fell back, sliding into the wall behind him. He coughed and stood up, visibly angered.
"Go to hell you witch," he growled at her, and shot a blizzard spell at her. The woman cried out in pain as the spell caught her arm, and she glared at him.
"Alright, if you're going to play rough then…" she snarled. She stuck her arms into the air and Squall looked up to see a large meteor headed toward him.
"Protect! Shell!" He shouted, curling into a ball as the meteor descended upon him.
***
Squall gasped loudly and sat up in bed; next to him, the mirror shattered. He was breathing heavily and covered in sweat. He looked at the mirror and closed his eyes. He felt like he wanted to cry. Abruptly, there was a knock at his door.
"Squall? Are you in there? What happened?"
It was Rinoa. Squall quickly threw his hand out and watched as the glass replaced itself quickly in the mirror and melded together. He stood up and opened the door peering out at Rinoa.
"…What do you want?" he asked. She raised an eyebrow at him suspiciously and tilted her head. Squall blinked and looked her up and down curiously. "Why are you dressed like that?" Rinoa smiled.
"We're going to a concert."
"…We're…?" Rinoa nodded.
"You and me. Come on, it'll be fun," she said.
"I don't want to go…" he told her, closing the door a bit. Rinoa stuck her foot in front of it and pushed against the door with all her weight.
"Oh, come on Squall, Selphie went to all this trouble, and now you're not gonna go? There's no point if you're not there." Squall quit trying to close the door on her and let go, causing Rinoa to fall face-first into the room. "OW! That hurt!" she exclaimed, rubbing her elbows and standing up. "Whatcha do that for?"
"Just go away Rinoa, I don't want to go."
"Fine, then I'm just going to follow you around for the rest of the night and chant 'concert, concert, concert' in your ear until you go…"
"Oh, man… Rinoa…" Squall groaned.
"Concert, concert, concert…"
"I'm not gonna go."
"Concert, concert, concert…" she chanted outside the bathroom door, as he washed his face. Squall came back out and glared at her.
"Go away…"
"Concert, concert, concert…" Squall closed his eyes, he had a headache.
"Fine, I'll go if you stop doing that."
"I knew you'd see it my way. Come on!" she said, grinning. Rinoa took Squall's un-gloved hand and started to pull him out of the room, but Squall jerked away from her. "…What?"
"Don't touch me!" Squall snapped, stepping away from her. Rinoa blinked and watched Squall put his gloves and jacket on before shooing her out of the room.
(What was that all about?) she thought, walking next to him toward the second floor exit. (He sounded… scared.)
***
Irvine was standing at the top of the stairwell that lead down to the Stationmaster's house, and to the stage. "She talked you into it, eh?" he said. Irvine pulled Squall to the side. "Looking good… So, like, I found this place. It's perfect for you and Rinoa," he whispered, grinning. "It's nearby the stage. You can't miss it. I left a magazine there. You can thank me later… Just have fun. Let it all out tonight." Irvine winked at him and walked back toward Rinoa. Squall turned and saw Selphie standing there as well, and she looked flustered as Irvine approached. Squall rolled his eyes and followed Irvine, who was trying to put the move on Selphie.
"Hi Selphie," Squall said, diverting her attention away from Irvine. Squall saw the cowboy swear under his breath.
"Hi Squall! Congrats!" she said smiling. "Oh! We gotta get ready, come on Irvine…" Selphie walked away, dragging Irvine behind her. Rinoa giggled at the sight and turned to Squall.
"Wouldn't they make a cute couple?" she asked as she took his hand. Squall shrugged and Rinoa dragged him down the ramp to the stage. Zell, Quistis, Selphie, and Irvine were all on the stage when Rinoa and Squall arrived. Squall raised an eyebrow; the gang was going to be the band?
"Squall! You big stud! This is for you! Congratulations! Enjoy the show!" Selphie shouted over the sound system, much to Squall's growing embarrassment. "Rinoa, don't let him get away!" she added, and then turned to the band. "Ready!? A-one, two, three..." The band started playing a folk song. Squall thought it sounded somewhat familiar, but shook his head and followed Rinoa to the side of the concrete island. Sitting on the edge was an open magazine. Squall glanced down at it and covered his eyes. Rinoa leaned forward and laughed.
"Oooh, a naughty magazine," she teased. Squall sighed and sat down on one side of the magazine. Rinoa sat down on the other side.
"You want to talk about something, don't you?" Squall asked, Rinoa could hear the irritation in his normally monotone voice.
"Umm... Yes… Well, it's about your promotion. Things are gonna become really hard for you, aren't they?"
(I don't want to think about it.)
"Squall, I know that things are going to become really difficult for you now. We, as in Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, Zell, and I, were talking about it, and figured that you'll probably try to do everything by yourself."
(Probably.)
"We know you too well. You're pretty predictable. For example, when you start thinking, you tend to frown like this," Rinoa said, mimicking Squall as he put a hand to his forehead. Squall turned his face a little and glared at Rinoa. She giggle and rolled backwards as he thrashed his arm out, as if to hit her. Squall started to get up.
"I'm out of here," he growled. Rinoa pushed him back down and sat behind him.
"Come on! I'm sorry! Really though, we decided that... well... You can't handle everything on your own," she stated, pushing Squall off the concrete, onto the solar panels below.
"What the fu-!?!" he exclaimed, as Rinoa jumped down after him.
"Right! Just let out anything! An emotion would be nice… Anything at all… We want you to talk to us more. That's it… If there's anything you want to tell us, or anything we can do to help you out, don't hesitate to tell us. I know it's not easy, but we wish you would trust us and rely on us more."
(Nothing lasts in this world. Nothing. I don't want to rely on someone that might be gone tomorrow or next week. Someday you're bound to lose everything. Everybody around you will be gone. Then what do you have? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Rien. Nobody. It's miserable, but inevitable. It's impossible to recover from something like that. I never ever want to deal with that again. I can't. Even if it means being alone… forever.)
"What a night. Good music... Gorgeous guy... And not only is he good-looking. He's the sweetest guy... a great listener. Right now, he's thinking about what I said. He's shy and doesn't say anything, but I know." Rinoa smiled at him. Squall blinked and looked up at her. "So, what do you think? None of our business, right? …Just think about this. This might be the only time we'll all be together, so as long as we're together, we might as well enjoy each other's company."
"...Just for now, huh? I don't want friends who won't be around tomorrow."
"Geez, you're a pessimist. There are no guarantees. That's why the time we have now is important. Squall, we wanna help you, as much as we can, for as long as we can. We love you. There, I said it. Please don't freak out. We just wanna live through this time with you, together."
"Love? How can you love me? You don't even know anything about me…"
"That's the point of talking Squall, so I can learn things about you."
"What if I don't want you to learn things about me? What if after you learned these 'things,' you never wanted to speak to me again?"
"I doubt that would happen Squall…"
"How do you know?" Squall snapped at her. "Just leave me alone, and we'll get along fine… I'm going back to bed." Then he turned and left Rinoa standing there.
"…Squall…"