Duo was sitting on his barstool at the kitchen counter when there was a knock at the door. He pushed aside the magazine he had been reading and got up.
"What the hell…"
He wasn't expecting anyone. Mostly because no one knew that he was here. He couldn't think of anyone—no cults or groups or groupies, not anyone—who would just stop by. He went to the door and looked through the peephole. Through the hazy glass he saw Heero Yuy. Duo stepped back from the shock. Heero? Heero was here? What the hell did Heero think he was doing? He steeled himself, put on his best carefree attitude and grinned as he opened the door.
"Heero! Been a long time. How ya been?"
This is not what Heero expected. Some dark glances, cold silence, hell, even a closed door would have been better than this cheerfulness. Maybe Heero wasn't doing the right thing after all…. No. Heero was in the right, even if Duo didn't see it yet.
"Oh, wait, where are my manners. C'mon in!" Duo ushered his guest into the living area. "Sorry it's a mess, but y'know how I am."
The memory caused Heero to smile, messy-old Duo, the guy who was constantly leaving things wherever they fell, the Duo that he knew.
"So, is this a social call?"
"Yes."
"Whoa, do you make many of those? Is this your first? If it is, well, I'm honored to be the recipient." Duo silently vowed that he wouldn't say anything about all that had been troubling him. If any serious words were to be spoken, it would be Heero to start them. He would stay aloof, apart from all this, so he wouldn't feel any pain until Heero left.
"So, how *did* you find this place?" Duo couldn't help but ask, he had been so careful.
Heero paused a moment before responding, "Quatre found it."
"What?! Quatre?! I mean, I know that the guy is smart, but searching through computers…"
"Trowa helped." A faint smile played at Heero's lips.
Duo nodded.
There was a brief silence, but Duo couldn't stand the thought of more of Heero's silence. "So, you came for a silent social visit? Y'know you may want to find some better hobbies…"
"Actually, I came to ask something."
"Hey, I thought this was a social visit!" Duo faked indignance then gave an exaggerated sigh, "Fine, fine, who are you fighting now?"
"No one."
Duo raised his eyebrows at the answer. "You don't want me to help you kick some butt?"
Heero paused a moment before he continued, "I've come to ask you to come back home."
"Well then, ask me."
"I did."
"Nope," Duo shook his head so forcefully that his braid swung out behind him whipping through the air. "You simply told me why you came, you haven't actually asked me anything yet."
"Come home."
"Nope, still not a question."
"Duo, please come home."
Close enough, Duo thought. "Why?"
Heero just looked at him. What was he supposed to answer? That he missed him? That he had been worried about him ever since he left? That he…
"Quatre…"
"You came out here because of Quatre?" Duo felt himself growing angrier as the seconds passed.
Heero wasn't sure what to say. It had been Quatre who had convinced him to come out and find Duo, but...
Duo could feel that same time bomb ticking away. Here he was, in the same room with Heero and he couldn't even talk to him, face him. After all this time, Heero had some nerve barging into his carefully maintained sanity. Or at least as near to sanity that he was able to come. He was two steps away from punching the guy, and just as far away from hugging him. He couldn't stand it, he snapped, breaking the silence once again.
"Why Heero? Why did you blow me off? Why did you ignore me? Why couldn't you just be there? Huh? Why?" So much for being aloof. But he couldn't help it, he needed those answers before he could ever return, before he could ever believe that such a thing would be possible. Duo's eyes fixed Heero's. Both were cold, calculating, and untrusting.
Despite the hard looks from Duo, Heero said nothing. He just stared right back, unable to overcome his stubborn pride.
"And you can't even answer me." Duo shook his head in disbelief, he had been so sure that Heero would say something, anything… maybe he didn't know him as well as he thought he did…
"Duo, please. Please come back?"
Duo blinked. Had he heard that right? Please? After all that the bastard did, after all that he wouldn't say, he had the nerve to still ask him back. Ask. When did Heero Yuy ask him for anything? Duo felt a tear welling up. Wasn't this what you wanted, what you longed for all this time? To go back? To go home? Duo blinked the tear back. This was no place for tears, especially not from him.
"The tell me why I should."
"Because we are a team. Because the others want you to. Because it is where you belong."
Duo wanted to punch his nose in. The others? What about him? What did Heero want? Didn't he get it? Didn't he realize that it was he who drove him out? And that it was he who needed to want him back. Duo put on his best smile and looked around the room.
"I dunno, I've been doing pretty well on my own. Don't get me wrong, I do miss Trowa's breakfast. He sure knows how to scramble an egg, and that bacon—I've been trying but mine is never quite that good. But beyond having burnt bacon I really can't complain. Yup, life is treating me well here. I don't know if I really want to give it up."
Heero simply stared at his friend, smiling one minute, shouting the next, and then back to his aloof self. He heard himself speak, "If you are happy here, then you shouldn't come back."
Duo felt his insides drop but didn't show it. "I mean, what is there to go back home to? Besides Trowa's cooking, of course." Was this too obvious? Duo was beginning to not care about being subtle. All he wanted was for Heero to tell him that he missed him and that he wanted Duo back. Not anyone else, just Heero. Damn, why couldn't he just say it?
Heero paused a moment.
"Maybe I made a mistake coming here" he began, "You seem to be doing well. I never doubted that you would. I'm sorry if I bothered you, Goodbye." Within seconds, Heero was out the door.
Duo just stared in disbelief as he walked out. Heero was gone. He went to the door and looked out the peephole. Heero really was just going to leave. Out of habit, he slid the lock into place before going back to sit on his only piece of furniture. He stared absently for a moment, trying to let it all sink in.
Heero. Gone. All his dreams and hopes were gone with him. Wasn't this just what Duo had been wanting these past weeks? Heero to come and ask him home? And now he had just blown it. His only chance to return—and Duo had blown it. He stood up and began to pace. Without thinking, Duo curled his hand into a fist and punched a hole in the wall. Then all he could do was stare as he pulled his right hand out, splinters of wood fell through the hole, and the sheet rock started crumbling to the floor. How did the sheet rock get there, wondered Duo. He didn't notice the blood or the pain in his hand—his heart was too heavy to allow him to think of physical things.
"Heero. Heero you damn fool. Why couldn't you just say it? You apologized for bothering me, but you couldn't do it for everything else? Why did I have to fall in love with a fool?" And with that, the tears that had been forced in for so very long fell down his cheeks.
Heero walked halfway down the block before he stopped. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, "He's fine. And I'll be fine too."
As he readied himself to leave, he heard a loud crash from Duo's house. Heero ran back to the door. In the few seconds that it took him to run, he had imagined Duo doing his worst. Heero was afraid. He tried the handle but it didn't budge. Heero wasted no time by kicking it open. He looked around. There was Duo, staring a gaping hole in the wall. Tears silently fell down his cheeks, his knees shook.
"Duo?" Heero whispered.
Duo didn't look up, didn't move.
Duo heard his name from a long way off, but he didn't comprehend it. He hadn't cried in a long time, not since his Gundam had been destroyed by OZ, and only once before—when Sister Helen and Father Maxwell had died. But now he couldn't stop the flow of tears. That's all it was, a constant stream of tears—no sobs or whimpering, just tears. For a brief moment, Duo fell. But in the instant before he reached the ground, he felt a supporting arm around his waist. He heard his name again, this time it wasn't so far off. He opened his eyes—he didn't recall ever closing them—and looked into the eyes of Heero.
"I, I thought you left," Duo said.
"You left. But I drove you away." Heero moved his free hand toward Duo's cheek. He hesitated only a moment before wiping away Duo's tears. "I can't love you Duo."
"Can you at least tell me why not? I think you owe me that much."
Heero nodded, "Because I'm the Perfect Soldier. I don't have the capacity to love. Not anymore." Within that instant, Heero knew that he had betrayed himself. He had left too much open, he had said too much in that short answer. Heero wasn't sure how Duo would react. He wasn't sure how he wanted him to act.
Duo was steady on his feet again, but the arm around his waist did not loosen or leave. "Why not learn how to again?" he asked, carefully watching Heero.
"Duo, I can't. My responsibility is to our missions, to the safety of the colonies. I can't fight our enemies if I worry about you while I'm out there. If I loved, I'd worry. I'd want to protect you, and I just don't have that luxury."
"I worry about you every damn day," Duo began. "Trowa and Quatre can love and fight, why can't we?" He sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to talk you into anything. You at least gave me your reasons. I guess I'll be happy with that. It's your life. I hope you are happy with what you are doing with it." Duo pulled away from Heero's arm.
Heero's arm felt strange dangling at his side. It had felt so right curved around Duo's waist. Before the Perfect Soldier realized it, he was having second thoughts. Was this right? He missed having Duo around. He missed the piles of Duo's junk laying about their room, he missed the way that Duo teased and tormented everyone in the house, he missed the slightly raspy breathing when he fell asleep. Sure the guy could be a pain in the neck at times—alright, most of the time—but still… there was a surety and an energy about him. Duo oozed a love of life, a love for what he was doing, and a love for…. Heero had thought about this a long time, since before Duo left. The harsh silence that Heero had carefully wrapped around himself was his protection from his feelings. Silence prevented him from getting to close to anything or anyone. And yet he had just broken that silence to Duo.
"I'm not."
"Huh?" asked Duo, confused by the words after the silence that had just taken place.
"I'm not happy." Heero locked his eyes onto Duo's.
Duo swallowed hard, should he or shouldn't he? What the hell, he thought, there is no time like the present. Besides, what more could Heero do? He didn't want to think about that. Instead, he took a step closer to Heero and tightly wrapped his arms around the other boy's neck. Duo could feel Heero stiffen slightly, but he did not let go.
"Please. Let me be here for you," he whispered into Heero's ear, "Let me try to help you be happy."
Duo felt Heero's arms circle his chest. With that gesture Duo allowed himself hope—a hope that he had not felt for a very long time.
Heero felt a similar feeling growing in his own chest—slowly starting to eat away at the gnawing doubts.
In answer to Heero's unasked question Duo spoke, "You don't have to be the 'Perfect' soldier anymore. You can be like the rest of us—the 'Much-Better-Than-Average' soldier. And I even promise not die on you, as long as you don't go dying on me either." Duo lightened his hug, noting with pleasure that Heero did the same but with more reluctance. Duo brushed his hand through Heero's unkempt hair, giving a crooked smile as he did. "Well? Do you want to try this?"
"Will you come back home?"
"Home is wherever you are Heero."
Heero gave Duo a smirk-turned-smile. "Then come back with me," he said.
Duo grinned. Heero stopped him from saying anything more by covering Duo's lips with his own.