Legal Disclaimer: "I don't technically OWN anything, so don't bother suing me."
All Your Favorite Animes in a Blender on Crack
Chapter Two: Misato is a bad man
"Here, Misato," Shinji said as he handed the shaking guardian a cup filled with a strange liquid.
"Ok, thanks," she said, accepting the cup. Asuka wrapped the slightly tripping woman in a blanket from the couch.
"Calm down," Asuka said.
Misato took a swig from the cup, turned green, then spit it out. "What the hell is this?"
"Coffee," Shinji answered.
"Cof ... fee...?" Misato sat, stunned for a little while. "Coffee?!"
"Yeah, coffee," Asuka told her. "We gotta get you sobered up so we can make it to Nerv on time for the Sinc tests."
"What! Fear Me!" Misato went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and began to chug.
Misato could feel the power of the ancients infuse her with force. The blood began to boil in her veins, and her hair went solid cold. A great flame burst forth, and a Super Saiya-Jin was born.
"Well, Vegeta, you ready to give us a lift?" Shinji asked.
"What, I drive for no one!" the angered Saiya-Jin fired back in reply.
"Just shut up and drive, pansy!" Asuka said, obviously ignorant to Vegeta's power.
"What?!" he said, shocked by this woman's insolence. He became ... angered ... and punched a large whole in the wall. "Ona! How dare you tell me my business! Vegeta's SUPER BIG BANG ..."
"All right, we'll take a bus," Shinji said, to avoid permanent injury. "But you'll miss out on all the fighting, and robots, and women, and explosives."
"Explosives, you say..." Vegeta powered down and considered the possibilities of this. "I shall go to this Nerv, and there I'll wreck havoc on the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
"Good, we only got, like, half and hour to get there."
Shinji and Asuka sat quietly in the back seat, preying that they would make it to Nerv in one piece. Prince Vegeta sat behind the wheel of the sports car, cursing like a sailor out the window. It would seem that he had no respect for traffic laws or the other punk bakas who obeyed them. Many was the time they narrowly escaped the path of an oncoming vehicle.
Just when the children thought that their situation couldn't get any worse, someone cut Vegeta off. They swerved to the side of the road, and there they stayed for a while...in silence.
After a few minutes, the car started up again, and Vegeta began to give off a strange, angry glow. Slowly, at first, the red sports car eased its way back on to the highway, then it began to pick up speed. Vegeta was actually concentrating on NOT hitting anyone, just picking up speed. He was weaving in and out of lanes, between cars, like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. Soon, they could see the rear of the same car that had cut the prince off just a few moments ago...
An evil grin spread across Vegeta's face.
"Kame ," he shouted.
"Crap, duck!" Shinji cried as he fumbled with the door handle, attempting to jump from the mobile death trap.
"Hame," Vegeta continued.
"I'm too young to get killed in a crappy story like this!" was Asuka's response to the horror unfolding around her.
The car began too shake violently. The upholstery on the seats began to melt from the heat. The window's fogged up, and electrical equipment began to sizzle. Vegeta's power levels were peaking.
"H - ," was all the enraged prince could get out before the familiar whine of sirens and a red-white-n-blue cop cruiser cut in front of them and drove the red sports car to the curb. There it stayed motionless, while the cop jotted down their license plate number and some other official cop stuff. Shinji and Asuka peeled melted seat cushions from their collective asses, while the pompous policeman casually strolled toward the stopped vehicle. They didn't want to know what Vegeta was doing, or brooding to do.
The fat Japanese policeman finally made it to the driver's side window, and knocked on it with his ticket-writin' pen. Attempting to control his anger with a slight facial twitch, Vegeta daintily rolled down the little window. "Yes, officer?" he said in an innocent little voice.
"Do you know how many safety and traffic laws you just violated on?" he barked out.
"Why no, but, you see, I .." Vegeta was saying around the time Shinji stopped caring and tuned their chatter out. He was thinking about how he was going to get to Nerv before business as usual was interrupted. Then, a more important issue came to mind. How in the HELL was he going to get to Nerv alive, let alone a little late?
The officer spent the better part of twenty minutes and two pads of paper writing down all of Vegeta's traffic violations, and their respective charges. "You really make me sick, you know that?" the officer said in a direct insult to Vegeta's honor. "Especially with children in the car." The 'child' remark sort of offended Asuka, but she was able to shrug it off. "Some father you are, endangering your son and his little girlfriend, when you should probably be chaperoning them, or at work, or something!" This was really a pool cue in their collective asses.
"How dare he call me irresponsible, and imply that the little wimp in this car is my offspring?" Vegeta thought.
"How dare he call me Shinji's girlfriend?" Asuka thought.
"How dare he imply that I need a chaperone?" thought Shinji.
"Here's your tickets, and I expect to see you in court!" the policeman remarked as he returned to his car. The engine started, and it pulled out in front of them, and took off.
The trio sat, stunned at the big brass ones this little shit of a cop flashed around. Their engine started, and no one said a word. They pulled onto the road, and no one said a word. They pulled up behind the cop, tailing him, and no one breathed. At about eighty miles per hour, Vegeta looked to Asuka with a sympathetic look. Asuka looked at Shinji. Shinji, knowing exactly what was to come, and also knowing that it all lay on his decision, sighed ... and nodded.
The evil grin returned to Vegeta's face.
"... HHAAA!"
The front end of the red sports car blew to pieces as Vegeta let loose a massive wave of Saya-Jin energy. The entire front half was completely removed, leaving Shinji safe in the back seat, and Asuka clinging to his ankles to keep from flying out the now extremely large, glass-less windshield. The car continued to skid along the road, doing about sixty, for what seemed like ever, with only the rear pair of wheels to roll on.
The nuke-blast-white ball of energy rushed away from the decapitated car toward the cop cruiser. It impacted in the trunk, causing a massive rear explosion, launching the car skyward. While in flight, the flight attendants served little bags of peanuts and frosty cups of DEATH followed by well-shaken, not stirred, FIRE during the in-flight movie "Red Asphalt!" The fire from the trunk caught the gas tank, and the rest of the airborne cop car burst into a thousand funny looking pieces of charred metal.
The remaining half of Misato's wonderful sport's car grinded along the pavement, past the wreckage of the cruiser, and into mainstream traffic. Many people rolled down their collective windows to wonder at the physics involved to keep half a car, on two wheels and the edge of a big hole, at the velocity needed to grind down the highway at almost seventy miles per hour. It was indeed mind-boggling. One car, containing some wise-ass teenagers out for a joyride, actually had the balls to yell to the pair of frightened children, "What the hell are you doing?"
Shinji stood up first, and put his head out the now massive sunroof, and shout back, "We're having an accident!" Then, for some unknown reason, he laughed. This confused the both of them, but upon examining their present situation, they agreed that it was kinda funny. "Send help!"
Another car from behind them yelled, "Wahoo! Ride it!"
"Dial 911! Please!"
It took almost ten minutes of shouting and narrowly avoiding death before the half-a-car pulled into the slow lane and bumped against a guardrail to stop itself. The children remained in the car after it stopped, partly enjoying the warm sun, partly HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, DUH! It was Shinji who broke the silence, asking Asuka, "I wonder where Vegeta is."
"I .. uh .. I don't know," she replied, still sort of shocked from the whole ordeal.
A faint whistling was heard in the background.
"What's that noise?" Shinji asked no one in particular.
The noise grew louder, and they looked up into the sky to see a big, black-hared, angry, Saya-Jin air-to-surface missile bearing down on them.
"It would seem that he was thrown from the car when it exploded," Asuka stated, feeling there was nothing better to do, and she was being controlled like a puppet on strings by an author far away whom you can neither see nor stop! FEAR ME!!!
Anyway, they decided that the best thing to do was to move, so they did as the Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the planed Vegeta slammed into the earth, destroying a family of sedans as well as the family of sedan owners inside them. Vegeta stood up, calmly walked to the side of the road and said to the children, "Well, lets get to Nerv, shall we?" And he began to walk, his thumb prostrated in a hitching position.
After an extremely long while in the warm sun, which was now a blistering hot pain in their collective asses, the terrible trio stumbled upon a subway access point, or a subway terminal for the uneducated. They bust in and loaded onto the train. Shinji and Asuka quickly claimed a pair of the bucket seats closest to the door. Vegeta swaggered onto the train, making his presence known to all the infidels in his way. After this recognition ceremony was over, he sat in the seat next to his small-fry companions.
Vegeta had a good, long sit in the seat. He felt that the plastic subway seat might be on of mankind's greatest advancements. The seat was comfortable, and soft. He looked over to Shinji and Asuka, who were fidgeting in discomfort. "This is the kind of service a prince deserves, a soft cushion on their seats!"
"Uh, Vegeta," Asuka started. "No one has cushions and no one brought cushions."
"Well then, what do I have under my royal ass?" he questioned. He began to move his royal ass to investigate what it was resting on, but found that he could not. He tried again, harder this time, with some success: his ass did move, but soon sprang back into place. A third, exceptionally hard attempt had more success. His ass did move, but the ass of his pants did not. "Insolent seat! How dare you steal my trousers!"
"The seat didn't take your pants, idiot," Shinji ventured. He reached out, lifting up the corner of the pant-ass. "This head-sized wad of gum did. You sat in it."
Vegeta looked left, then right, then up and down, then at the seat of his pants, then at the seat of Vegeta, then at the seat of the subway. "... gum?"
"Yeah, the gum stuck your pants to the seat."
"What?! Militias gum! I shall kill thee until I get my pants from your grip!"
"You can't kill gum," Asuka informed the prince of Vegeta. "It's an inanimate object or substance."
"Nerv could do it," Shinji said. "We could take it to Nerv and splice/clone it with something more , uh, killable, for lack of a better word."
"This Nerv is truly a great place. I'll go there to get you two off my tail, blow something up, and kill this gum to restore my glory!" Vegeta sat down, and spent the duration of the train ride in relative peace.
The sun hung low in the early evening sky when the crew finally made it to their destination - the Nerv building. They walked in the figurative front door, greeted by an agitated Ritsuko and Gendo Ikari.
Vegeta stepped forward. "I am Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the Planet Vegeta, and you will allow me to kill this!" he said, as he held out the seat of his pants, covered in multicolored chewing gum.
"Damnit Misato, you gotta lay off the sauce," Ritsuko advised her.
"Yeah, but ..." Misato looked around the room.
Shinji scratched his chin.
Asuka blinked.
Ritsuko blinked.
Gendo steepled his fingers.
"Right," Misato said.
"Hehehehehehehe"
"Right, who said that!" Misato snapped. "Where are you?" She ran around the room, checking under things and over things, in between things and around things. She looked from Shinji to Asuka to Ritsuko to Gendo to the grinning, wise-ass author to the camera crew, to the ... wait a minute. "You're responsible for this, aren't you?"
The cast just blinked at each other, then at Misato.
"Maybe I am," the author replied.
"Well, I've had enough"
"I haven't. In fact, I'm just getting' started!"
Stay tuned to the same crack time, same crack channel, for "Ritsuko Cloned Gum, and I don't care" or "An evening with Relena"
All Your Favorite Animes in a Blender on Crack
Chapter Two: Misato is a bad man
"Here, Misato," Shinji said as he handed the shaking guardian a cup filled with a strange liquid.
"Ok, thanks," she said, accepting the cup. Asuka wrapped the slightly tripping woman in a blanket from the couch.
"Calm down," Asuka said.
Misato took a swig from the cup, turned green, then spit it out. "What the hell is this?"
"Coffee," Shinji answered.
"Cof ... fee...?" Misato sat, stunned for a little while. "Coffee?!"
"Yeah, coffee," Asuka told her. "We gotta get you sobered up so we can make it to Nerv on time for the Sinc tests."
"What! Fear Me!" Misato went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and began to chug.
Misato could feel the power of the ancients infuse her with force. The blood began to boil in her veins, and her hair went solid cold. A great flame burst forth, and a Super Saiya-Jin was born.
"Well, Vegeta, you ready to give us a lift?" Shinji asked.
"What, I drive for no one!" the angered Saiya-Jin fired back in reply.
"Just shut up and drive, pansy!" Asuka said, obviously ignorant to Vegeta's power.
"What?!" he said, shocked by this woman's insolence. He became ... angered ... and punched a large whole in the wall. "Ona! How dare you tell me my business! Vegeta's SUPER BIG BANG ..."
"All right, we'll take a bus," Shinji said, to avoid permanent injury. "But you'll miss out on all the fighting, and robots, and women, and explosives."
"Explosives, you say..." Vegeta powered down and considered the possibilities of this. "I shall go to this Nerv, and there I'll wreck havoc on the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
"Good, we only got, like, half and hour to get there."
Shinji and Asuka sat quietly in the back seat, preying that they would make it to Nerv in one piece. Prince Vegeta sat behind the wheel of the sports car, cursing like a sailor out the window. It would seem that he had no respect for traffic laws or the other punk bakas who obeyed them. Many was the time they narrowly escaped the path of an oncoming vehicle.
Just when the children thought that their situation couldn't get any worse, someone cut Vegeta off. They swerved to the side of the road, and there they stayed for a while...in silence.
After a few minutes, the car started up again, and Vegeta began to give off a strange, angry glow. Slowly, at first, the red sports car eased its way back on to the highway, then it began to pick up speed. Vegeta was actually concentrating on NOT hitting anyone, just picking up speed. He was weaving in and out of lanes, between cars, like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. Soon, they could see the rear of the same car that had cut the prince off just a few moments ago...
An evil grin spread across Vegeta's face.
"Kame ," he shouted.
"Crap, duck!" Shinji cried as he fumbled with the door handle, attempting to jump from the mobile death trap.
"Hame," Vegeta continued.
"I'm too young to get killed in a crappy story like this!" was Asuka's response to the horror unfolding around her.
The car began too shake violently. The upholstery on the seats began to melt from the heat. The window's fogged up, and electrical equipment began to sizzle. Vegeta's power levels were peaking.
"H - ," was all the enraged prince could get out before the familiar whine of sirens and a red-white-n-blue cop cruiser cut in front of them and drove the red sports car to the curb. There it stayed motionless, while the cop jotted down their license plate number and some other official cop stuff. Shinji and Asuka peeled melted seat cushions from their collective asses, while the pompous policeman casually strolled toward the stopped vehicle. They didn't want to know what Vegeta was doing, or brooding to do.
The fat Japanese policeman finally made it to the driver's side window, and knocked on it with his ticket-writin' pen. Attempting to control his anger with a slight facial twitch, Vegeta daintily rolled down the little window. "Yes, officer?" he said in an innocent little voice.
"Do you know how many safety and traffic laws you just violated on?" he barked out.
"Why no, but, you see, I .." Vegeta was saying around the time Shinji stopped caring and tuned their chatter out. He was thinking about how he was going to get to Nerv before business as usual was interrupted. Then, a more important issue came to mind. How in the HELL was he going to get to Nerv alive, let alone a little late?
The officer spent the better part of twenty minutes and two pads of paper writing down all of Vegeta's traffic violations, and their respective charges. "You really make me sick, you know that?" the officer said in a direct insult to Vegeta's honor. "Especially with children in the car." The 'child' remark sort of offended Asuka, but she was able to shrug it off. "Some father you are, endangering your son and his little girlfriend, when you should probably be chaperoning them, or at work, or something!" This was really a pool cue in their collective asses.
"How dare he call me irresponsible, and imply that the little wimp in this car is my offspring?" Vegeta thought.
"How dare he call me Shinji's girlfriend?" Asuka thought.
"How dare he imply that I need a chaperone?" thought Shinji.
"Here's your tickets, and I expect to see you in court!" the policeman remarked as he returned to his car. The engine started, and it pulled out in front of them, and took off.
The trio sat, stunned at the big brass ones this little shit of a cop flashed around. Their engine started, and no one said a word. They pulled onto the road, and no one said a word. They pulled up behind the cop, tailing him, and no one breathed. At about eighty miles per hour, Vegeta looked to Asuka with a sympathetic look. Asuka looked at Shinji. Shinji, knowing exactly what was to come, and also knowing that it all lay on his decision, sighed ... and nodded.
The evil grin returned to Vegeta's face.
"... HHAAA!"
The front end of the red sports car blew to pieces as Vegeta let loose a massive wave of Saya-Jin energy. The entire front half was completely removed, leaving Shinji safe in the back seat, and Asuka clinging to his ankles to keep from flying out the now extremely large, glass-less windshield. The car continued to skid along the road, doing about sixty, for what seemed like ever, with only the rear pair of wheels to roll on.
The nuke-blast-white ball of energy rushed away from the decapitated car toward the cop cruiser. It impacted in the trunk, causing a massive rear explosion, launching the car skyward. While in flight, the flight attendants served little bags of peanuts and frosty cups of DEATH followed by well-shaken, not stirred, FIRE during the in-flight movie "Red Asphalt!" The fire from the trunk caught the gas tank, and the rest of the airborne cop car burst into a thousand funny looking pieces of charred metal.
The remaining half of Misato's wonderful sport's car grinded along the pavement, past the wreckage of the cruiser, and into mainstream traffic. Many people rolled down their collective windows to wonder at the physics involved to keep half a car, on two wheels and the edge of a big hole, at the velocity needed to grind down the highway at almost seventy miles per hour. It was indeed mind-boggling. One car, containing some wise-ass teenagers out for a joyride, actually had the balls to yell to the pair of frightened children, "What the hell are you doing?"
Shinji stood up first, and put his head out the now massive sunroof, and shout back, "We're having an accident!" Then, for some unknown reason, he laughed. This confused the both of them, but upon examining their present situation, they agreed that it was kinda funny. "Send help!"
Another car from behind them yelled, "Wahoo! Ride it!"
"Dial 911! Please!"
It took almost ten minutes of shouting and narrowly avoiding death before the half-a-car pulled into the slow lane and bumped against a guardrail to stop itself. The children remained in the car after it stopped, partly enjoying the warm sun, partly HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, DUH! It was Shinji who broke the silence, asking Asuka, "I wonder where Vegeta is."
"I .. uh .. I don't know," she replied, still sort of shocked from the whole ordeal.
A faint whistling was heard in the background.
"What's that noise?" Shinji asked no one in particular.
The noise grew louder, and they looked up into the sky to see a big, black-hared, angry, Saya-Jin air-to-surface missile bearing down on them.
"It would seem that he was thrown from the car when it exploded," Asuka stated, feeling there was nothing better to do, and she was being controlled like a puppet on strings by an author far away whom you can neither see nor stop! FEAR ME!!!
Anyway, they decided that the best thing to do was to move, so they did as the Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the planed Vegeta slammed into the earth, destroying a family of sedans as well as the family of sedan owners inside them. Vegeta stood up, calmly walked to the side of the road and said to the children, "Well, lets get to Nerv, shall we?" And he began to walk, his thumb prostrated in a hitching position.
After an extremely long while in the warm sun, which was now a blistering hot pain in their collective asses, the terrible trio stumbled upon a subway access point, or a subway terminal for the uneducated. They bust in and loaded onto the train. Shinji and Asuka quickly claimed a pair of the bucket seats closest to the door. Vegeta swaggered onto the train, making his presence known to all the infidels in his way. After this recognition ceremony was over, he sat in the seat next to his small-fry companions.
Vegeta had a good, long sit in the seat. He felt that the plastic subway seat might be on of mankind's greatest advancements. The seat was comfortable, and soft. He looked over to Shinji and Asuka, who were fidgeting in discomfort. "This is the kind of service a prince deserves, a soft cushion on their seats!"
"Uh, Vegeta," Asuka started. "No one has cushions and no one brought cushions."
"Well then, what do I have under my royal ass?" he questioned. He began to move his royal ass to investigate what it was resting on, but found that he could not. He tried again, harder this time, with some success: his ass did move, but soon sprang back into place. A third, exceptionally hard attempt had more success. His ass did move, but the ass of his pants did not. "Insolent seat! How dare you steal my trousers!"
"The seat didn't take your pants, idiot," Shinji ventured. He reached out, lifting up the corner of the pant-ass. "This head-sized wad of gum did. You sat in it."
Vegeta looked left, then right, then up and down, then at the seat of his pants, then at the seat of Vegeta, then at the seat of the subway. "... gum?"
"Yeah, the gum stuck your pants to the seat."
"What?! Militias gum! I shall kill thee until I get my pants from your grip!"
"You can't kill gum," Asuka informed the prince of Vegeta. "It's an inanimate object or substance."
"Nerv could do it," Shinji said. "We could take it to Nerv and splice/clone it with something more , uh, killable, for lack of a better word."
"This Nerv is truly a great place. I'll go there to get you two off my tail, blow something up, and kill this gum to restore my glory!" Vegeta sat down, and spent the duration of the train ride in relative peace.
The sun hung low in the early evening sky when the crew finally made it to their destination - the Nerv building. They walked in the figurative front door, greeted by an agitated Ritsuko and Gendo Ikari.
Vegeta stepped forward. "I am Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the Planet Vegeta, and you will allow me to kill this!" he said, as he held out the seat of his pants, covered in multicolored chewing gum.
"Damnit Misato, you gotta lay off the sauce," Ritsuko advised her.
"Yeah, but ..." Misato looked around the room.
Shinji scratched his chin.
Asuka blinked.
Ritsuko blinked.
Gendo steepled his fingers.
"Right," Misato said.
"Hehehehehehehe"
"Right, who said that!" Misato snapped. "Where are you?" She ran around the room, checking under things and over things, in between things and around things. She looked from Shinji to Asuka to Ritsuko to Gendo to the grinning, wise-ass author to the camera crew, to the ... wait a minute. "You're responsible for this, aren't you?"
The cast just blinked at each other, then at Misato.
"Maybe I am," the author replied.
"Well, I've had enough"
"I haven't. In fact, I'm just getting' started!"
Stay tuned to the same crack time, same crack channel, for "Ritsuko Cloned Gum, and I don't care" or "An evening with Relena"