DISCLAIM THIS: If I owned Eva or Gainax, would I be writing this crap at 1 in the morning. REALLY, would I?
Chapter Three: The Gundam They Called Junkie
"Damn it Misato, drop that stuff," Ritsuko ordered, slapping the wad of chewing gum from a still dazed commander Katsuragi. Misato just blinked trying to hold on to what was left of her sanity.
"Are you okay?" Gendo asked. "Maybe you should go to the infirmary."
"Uh, yeah, maybe you're right," Misato agreed. She and her two passengers were escorted by some Nerv lackeys to the vast underground clinic within Nerv headquarters.
"Now, Misato," the Nerv physician began. "There are several possible causes for your condition"
"Like what?" the major asked, knowing the only major reason was the weird concoction she gave the writer, that stuck up little bastard.
"Well, any severe trauma to the head could induce hallucinations," the doc informed Misato. "Have you been struck recently?"
"No," she answered. "Not in the head."
"Ok, have you eaten any British beef?"
"I don't have mad cow disease"
"She does," Shinji spoke up, pointing to Asuka across the room.
"I'll give you a mad cow you uber dumpkoff …" Asuka trailed off, cursing her roommate.
"I can give you something to shut her up, pilot Ikari," the doctor told Shinji.
"I've got something to shut you up, you hack!"
"Anyway, Misato," the doctor continued. "Have you been using any illegal drugs?"
"No, uh, not recently."
"How about any kind of stimulants, uh, or alcohol?" The doctor said Misato's magic word. Her mouth began to water and speech began to slur at the mere mention of it. It would be very hard to get though the next line of questioning.
"Uh, alcohol?" She began to sweat. "Uhm, a little bit..." she slowly spit out. "I, I mean," she began to stutter. "Its not like I'm addicted to beer or something."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" both Shinji and Asuka burst out laughing. "Misato, your liver works harder than the average city-wide sewage intake plant, and the plant probably smells better."
"Hey, this wasn't the usual drunken fantasy," Misato argued. "This was real. There's this guy, this crazy, insane, loony guy, and he is screwing up reality. He has total control, and no one can stop his madness! Run!"
There was a long silence.
"Uh, Misato," the doctor said, in a very comforting voice. "Who is this man?"
"He, well, he looks like…" she trailed off, looking the doctor up and down, trying to find some way to shut him up. Maybe if she pulled on the fingers coming out of his forehead… wait a second. "He's right behind you! He's giving you bunny-ears!"
"Killjoy!" the author said, quite displeased with Misato's lack of vision.
"Misato, there is no one behind me"
"Killjoy? I'll have you know that I'm a party animal, mister!"
"But I thought you said that you didn't drink…"
"Shut up, this doesn't concern you!"
"But.."
"Hey, listen asshole, what the hell are you doing down here, this is a secure area!" Misato barked at the author's psudoform.
"I'm just jerkin' things around a little. Here, chew on this one" There was a pause, and the author was no longer on the scene.
"I'm glad that guy is gone," Misato sighed.
"WHO?!" everyone shouted.
Suddenly the p.a. speaker crackled. "Major, get your tanked ass and the two pilots back to the bridge on the double, we're under attack!"
"Gotta go," Shinji said as the team hopped into the Nerv brand elevator.
As they waited in the very slow, very cheaply made Nerv brand elevator, Misato said to the young pilots, "Hey, you guys saw that creepy, angry Saiya-Jin dude, didn't you?"
"Yeah, he almost killed us," Asuka acknowledged.
"But we're not gonna tell anyone that," Shinji filled the major in. "I don't wanna look any more crazy then necessary."
The elevator doors slowly opened, then stopped about 3 inches open. They then closed, and stopped, then opened, and closed, and opened, and closed, and closed, and creaked, and finally opened for good. The trio quickly evacuated the lift and entered the bridge.
"Good, you're here," Maya greeted the group. It would seem that everyone was assembled on the bridge. There was Gendo, Ritsuko, the bridge bunnies, Rei, Willie Nelson, Van Morrison, and the entire cast of Cats.
"Where's Kaji?" Misato asked, being the only one that seemed to miss him.
"He is the only one unaccounted for," Rei stated for the group.
"Thanks Rei," Shinji said politely.
"Thank you pilot Ikari," she said, giving him a little smile. This worried Shinji. He got a bad premonition from this.
There was a pause as everyone sat around on their collective asses, waiting for the brigadier general of all playaz, Kaji.
"Sorry I'm late," Kaji said as he barged through the doors.
"Greetings Milliardo," Rei said.
Misato was rudely awoken from her light nap by this. She ran over to Rei and grabbed her by the face, screaming loud enough to make the little girl cry. "What did you just say?! DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!"
"Too late Misato"
"What? Who said that?"
"Ok, everyone's here," Gendo announced, steeping his fingers. "Our arch enemy has mobilized."
"Great, another angel attack," Misato sighed.
"No, OZ is on their way here, they're invading Tokyo-3."
"No," Misato calmly corrected him. "You mean angels are attacking, right."
The loudspeaker crackled again. "Enemy Attack! Enemy Attack! We've got OZ mobile suits approaching on multiple vectors!"
"No!" Misato shouted. "Angels are approaching on multiple vectors!"
Gendo walked up and slapped the major. "Damn it, get a hold of yourself. There are mobile suits attacking, get to your post."
"No, they're angels, or my name isn't Lucrezia Noin! … Oh shit…"
There was yet another uncomfortable pause as everyone in the room sat in wonder that Noin wouldn't follow an order as soon as issued.
"Get to your post!" Treze ordered.
"Right," Noin answered, a little confused. "Heero, quick. Get to your Gundam," Noin said, turning to Shinji.
Shinji sucked in his chest, and said in a very deep voice, "Yes Noin."
"Shut up, baka," Asuka barked at him. "If you're Heero Yuy, I'm Jet Li!"
"Quatre, there is no time for your pointless peace babble now, ready Sandrock."
"Hey," Asuka snapped. "I'm not Quatre."
"Hey, I'm not a girl," Quatre spat.
"Go back to the loveboat, sunshine!"
"Quickly, prep the Gundams!" With that the entire room scattered and everyone made themselves at least look busy. Shinji tried to suck it up and look reasonably like Heero; Asuka pranced around like a fairy, doing a fairly good imitation of Quatre. Treize shined his metals and dreamed of his Mistress Une, and Noin gave the troops a pep talk while checking out Zech's butt.
A great creak rang through the entire Cinq Kingdom as two of the five gundams were launched out into battle. Shinji felt quite proud to be the third ever pilot to control the devastatingly devastating Wing Zero, while Asuka on the other hand felt kind of put out, giving up her beloved Unit 02 for the puny, beat-up original Sandrock.
The collective communication system activated and Rei appeared on the screen. "Heero," she said. "I want you to make me a promise."
Shinji didn't blink. Rei was actually talking, you know, with feeling, like she gave a flying fiddler's dick about something. In her mind, Asuka cursed everything that Rei and Sunrise Anime stood for.
"Promise me you won't forget me when you fight. And promise me you won't harm my brother, Milliardo. Will you do that?"
"Nooooooo!" Asuka screamed.
"This is none of your business, Quatre," Shinji told his roomy.
"Uh, sure I will Relena," he answered.
"Good luck, and good by, Heero!" The intercom switched off.
"Well well Asuka, looks like someone around here has an admirer," Shinji bragged.
"Yeah, just wait until this drug influenced haze settles, then we'll see who gets the greeting cards!" she shot back.
".. uh, WHAT?!"
"Never mind. Wait, I think I see some mobile suits headed this way"
Asuka was indeed correct. There was an entire wing of OZ Aries suits in the air, fairly low altitude, approaching steadily from multiple north bearing vectors. What seemed to be around thirty army Leo suits climbed slowly over the western mountain range, and a couple of those worthless Cancer and Pisces subs where sinking in the bay.
"Hey Asuka, look. We're actually in the Cinq Kingdom," Shinji commented.
A long-range rocket bounced off the armor plating of Sandrock's right knee. "Hey Shinji," Asuka started.
"That's not my name. Tee hee"
"All right you stuck up sunnofa … Heero, do you have any idea how to fly these things?"
"Oh, not a clue. You?"
"Figures."
"Here," Shinji said. His gundam stumbled around like it was even more stoned than the writer, and, slowly but surely, pulled the buster rifle up to eye level and in a single shot destroyed an extremely large handful of OZ suits.
"How did you do that?" Asuka asked Shinji, amazed he could do anything right on the first try.
"It's simple, just pretend it's Kaji."
"What the hell do you mean?"
"He, he, he. Just grab the stick and have fun."
"Why you dumpkoff, baka, eehh, uuhh, ahhhhhh!" Asuka shouted. "How dare you talk about me and Kaji-kun that way." Sandrock speedily got up and emasculated Wing Zero with one of the heat shortells.
"Ahhh, my boys!" Shinji screamed, feeling no 'real' pain, but his pride was damaged. "My gundaniam gonads are gone!"
"Serves you right," Asuka said, fairly pleased with herself.
"Van, Noooooo!" Hitomi shouted in the same way she does about forty damn times an episode.
"What the fuck?"
It would seem that Hitomi's ever-so annoying catch phrase sparked Wing Zero's inner Escaflowne, as two giant angel wings burst out of its back, creating a suitably suitable Wing Zero Custom suit.
"Ok, ok, now this just sucks," she complained. "You get the better suit, Wonderslut on the ground, the buster rifle up here, not to mention more experience handling stick and now you have wings. This whole screwed up situation just sucks!"
"Shut up, ONA!" Wufei screamed into his intercom, his gundam just a few hundred yards from the Sandrock. "You're too weak to fight in this glorious battle."
"I'll show you weak, wu-man."
"Quatre, Wufei, stop this," Noin shouted from the underground control bunker. "Get out your digivices."
"Right," Wufei acknowledged, reaching into his gundam's pocket, taking out a digivice the size of a small Volkswagen.
"Got it," Asuka replied, pulling the digivice out of Sandrock's purse.
There was a loud crash as all reality dissolved into blackness, and weird digital symbols flew across the sky.
"Sandrock!"
…
"Shenlong!"
…
"DNA Digivolve to …"
…
"SHENROCK!"
BANG, BANG, BOOM … NEW GUNDAM!
"Nice lookin' machine," Shinji told the newborn half-breed.
The nine-story tall robot danced around the Cinq Kingdom, spinning its terribly warped staff in the air like a baton, its blue and yellow paint job glinting in the moonlight like a preschooler's vomit after eating an entire box of Crayola Crayons.
"Ready to go kick some OZ ass all the way down the yellow brick road?" asked the Shenrock.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, I think so," a shaken little Shinji replied.
So the battle between good and evil begins. Who will win? What is the Shenrock? Just what the hell is going on? What was in that bowl of crap so rudely ingested by the writer? Who is going to have Jeff's baby, and will it be human, or half boa constrictor like cousin Frank? Will Melanie wake from her coma? Will she remember her secret affair with Pete's brother's cousin's dog Bill? All these answers and more in the next gut-wrenching saga of "Honey, Where the F**K Are My Peanuts?"
Chapter Three: The Gundam They Called Junkie
"Damn it Misato, drop that stuff," Ritsuko ordered, slapping the wad of chewing gum from a still dazed commander Katsuragi. Misato just blinked trying to hold on to what was left of her sanity.
"Are you okay?" Gendo asked. "Maybe you should go to the infirmary."
"Uh, yeah, maybe you're right," Misato agreed. She and her two passengers were escorted by some Nerv lackeys to the vast underground clinic within Nerv headquarters.
"Now, Misato," the Nerv physician began. "There are several possible causes for your condition"
"Like what?" the major asked, knowing the only major reason was the weird concoction she gave the writer, that stuck up little bastard.
"Well, any severe trauma to the head could induce hallucinations," the doc informed Misato. "Have you been struck recently?"
"No," she answered. "Not in the head."
"Ok, have you eaten any British beef?"
"I don't have mad cow disease"
"She does," Shinji spoke up, pointing to Asuka across the room.
"I'll give you a mad cow you uber dumpkoff …" Asuka trailed off, cursing her roommate.
"I can give you something to shut her up, pilot Ikari," the doctor told Shinji.
"I've got something to shut you up, you hack!"
"Anyway, Misato," the doctor continued. "Have you been using any illegal drugs?"
"No, uh, not recently."
"How about any kind of stimulants, uh, or alcohol?" The doctor said Misato's magic word. Her mouth began to water and speech began to slur at the mere mention of it. It would be very hard to get though the next line of questioning.
"Uh, alcohol?" She began to sweat. "Uhm, a little bit..." she slowly spit out. "I, I mean," she began to stutter. "Its not like I'm addicted to beer or something."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" both Shinji and Asuka burst out laughing. "Misato, your liver works harder than the average city-wide sewage intake plant, and the plant probably smells better."
"Hey, this wasn't the usual drunken fantasy," Misato argued. "This was real. There's this guy, this crazy, insane, loony guy, and he is screwing up reality. He has total control, and no one can stop his madness! Run!"
There was a long silence.
"Uh, Misato," the doctor said, in a very comforting voice. "Who is this man?"
"He, well, he looks like…" she trailed off, looking the doctor up and down, trying to find some way to shut him up. Maybe if she pulled on the fingers coming out of his forehead… wait a second. "He's right behind you! He's giving you bunny-ears!"
"Killjoy!" the author said, quite displeased with Misato's lack of vision.
"Misato, there is no one behind me"
"Killjoy? I'll have you know that I'm a party animal, mister!"
"But I thought you said that you didn't drink…"
"Shut up, this doesn't concern you!"
"But.."
"Hey, listen asshole, what the hell are you doing down here, this is a secure area!" Misato barked at the author's psudoform.
"I'm just jerkin' things around a little. Here, chew on this one" There was a pause, and the author was no longer on the scene.
"I'm glad that guy is gone," Misato sighed.
"WHO?!" everyone shouted.
Suddenly the p.a. speaker crackled. "Major, get your tanked ass and the two pilots back to the bridge on the double, we're under attack!"
"Gotta go," Shinji said as the team hopped into the Nerv brand elevator.
As they waited in the very slow, very cheaply made Nerv brand elevator, Misato said to the young pilots, "Hey, you guys saw that creepy, angry Saiya-Jin dude, didn't you?"
"Yeah, he almost killed us," Asuka acknowledged.
"But we're not gonna tell anyone that," Shinji filled the major in. "I don't wanna look any more crazy then necessary."
The elevator doors slowly opened, then stopped about 3 inches open. They then closed, and stopped, then opened, and closed, and opened, and closed, and closed, and creaked, and finally opened for good. The trio quickly evacuated the lift and entered the bridge.
"Good, you're here," Maya greeted the group. It would seem that everyone was assembled on the bridge. There was Gendo, Ritsuko, the bridge bunnies, Rei, Willie Nelson, Van Morrison, and the entire cast of Cats.
"Where's Kaji?" Misato asked, being the only one that seemed to miss him.
"He is the only one unaccounted for," Rei stated for the group.
"Thanks Rei," Shinji said politely.
"Thank you pilot Ikari," she said, giving him a little smile. This worried Shinji. He got a bad premonition from this.
There was a pause as everyone sat around on their collective asses, waiting for the brigadier general of all playaz, Kaji.
"Sorry I'm late," Kaji said as he barged through the doors.
"Greetings Milliardo," Rei said.
Misato was rudely awoken from her light nap by this. She ran over to Rei and grabbed her by the face, screaming loud enough to make the little girl cry. "What did you just say?! DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!"
"Too late Misato"
"What? Who said that?"
"Ok, everyone's here," Gendo announced, steeping his fingers. "Our arch enemy has mobilized."
"Great, another angel attack," Misato sighed.
"No, OZ is on their way here, they're invading Tokyo-3."
"No," Misato calmly corrected him. "You mean angels are attacking, right."
The loudspeaker crackled again. "Enemy Attack! Enemy Attack! We've got OZ mobile suits approaching on multiple vectors!"
"No!" Misato shouted. "Angels are approaching on multiple vectors!"
Gendo walked up and slapped the major. "Damn it, get a hold of yourself. There are mobile suits attacking, get to your post."
"No, they're angels, or my name isn't Lucrezia Noin! … Oh shit…"
There was yet another uncomfortable pause as everyone in the room sat in wonder that Noin wouldn't follow an order as soon as issued.
"Get to your post!" Treze ordered.
"Right," Noin answered, a little confused. "Heero, quick. Get to your Gundam," Noin said, turning to Shinji.
Shinji sucked in his chest, and said in a very deep voice, "Yes Noin."
"Shut up, baka," Asuka barked at him. "If you're Heero Yuy, I'm Jet Li!"
"Quatre, there is no time for your pointless peace babble now, ready Sandrock."
"Hey," Asuka snapped. "I'm not Quatre."
"Hey, I'm not a girl," Quatre spat.
"Go back to the loveboat, sunshine!"
"Quickly, prep the Gundams!" With that the entire room scattered and everyone made themselves at least look busy. Shinji tried to suck it up and look reasonably like Heero; Asuka pranced around like a fairy, doing a fairly good imitation of Quatre. Treize shined his metals and dreamed of his Mistress Une, and Noin gave the troops a pep talk while checking out Zech's butt.
A great creak rang through the entire Cinq Kingdom as two of the five gundams were launched out into battle. Shinji felt quite proud to be the third ever pilot to control the devastatingly devastating Wing Zero, while Asuka on the other hand felt kind of put out, giving up her beloved Unit 02 for the puny, beat-up original Sandrock.
The collective communication system activated and Rei appeared on the screen. "Heero," she said. "I want you to make me a promise."
Shinji didn't blink. Rei was actually talking, you know, with feeling, like she gave a flying fiddler's dick about something. In her mind, Asuka cursed everything that Rei and Sunrise Anime stood for.
"Promise me you won't forget me when you fight. And promise me you won't harm my brother, Milliardo. Will you do that?"
"Nooooooo!" Asuka screamed.
"This is none of your business, Quatre," Shinji told his roomy.
"Uh, sure I will Relena," he answered.
"Good luck, and good by, Heero!" The intercom switched off.
"Well well Asuka, looks like someone around here has an admirer," Shinji bragged.
"Yeah, just wait until this drug influenced haze settles, then we'll see who gets the greeting cards!" she shot back.
".. uh, WHAT?!"
"Never mind. Wait, I think I see some mobile suits headed this way"
Asuka was indeed correct. There was an entire wing of OZ Aries suits in the air, fairly low altitude, approaching steadily from multiple north bearing vectors. What seemed to be around thirty army Leo suits climbed slowly over the western mountain range, and a couple of those worthless Cancer and Pisces subs where sinking in the bay.
"Hey Asuka, look. We're actually in the Cinq Kingdom," Shinji commented.
A long-range rocket bounced off the armor plating of Sandrock's right knee. "Hey Shinji," Asuka started.
"That's not my name. Tee hee"
"All right you stuck up sunnofa … Heero, do you have any idea how to fly these things?"
"Oh, not a clue. You?"
"Figures."
"Here," Shinji said. His gundam stumbled around like it was even more stoned than the writer, and, slowly but surely, pulled the buster rifle up to eye level and in a single shot destroyed an extremely large handful of OZ suits.
"How did you do that?" Asuka asked Shinji, amazed he could do anything right on the first try.
"It's simple, just pretend it's Kaji."
"What the hell do you mean?"
"He, he, he. Just grab the stick and have fun."
"Why you dumpkoff, baka, eehh, uuhh, ahhhhhh!" Asuka shouted. "How dare you talk about me and Kaji-kun that way." Sandrock speedily got up and emasculated Wing Zero with one of the heat shortells.
"Ahhh, my boys!" Shinji screamed, feeling no 'real' pain, but his pride was damaged. "My gundaniam gonads are gone!"
"Serves you right," Asuka said, fairly pleased with herself.
"Van, Noooooo!" Hitomi shouted in the same way she does about forty damn times an episode.
"What the fuck?"
It would seem that Hitomi's ever-so annoying catch phrase sparked Wing Zero's inner Escaflowne, as two giant angel wings burst out of its back, creating a suitably suitable Wing Zero Custom suit.
"Ok, ok, now this just sucks," she complained. "You get the better suit, Wonderslut on the ground, the buster rifle up here, not to mention more experience handling stick and now you have wings. This whole screwed up situation just sucks!"
"Shut up, ONA!" Wufei screamed into his intercom, his gundam just a few hundred yards from the Sandrock. "You're too weak to fight in this glorious battle."
"I'll show you weak, wu-man."
"Quatre, Wufei, stop this," Noin shouted from the underground control bunker. "Get out your digivices."
"Right," Wufei acknowledged, reaching into his gundam's pocket, taking out a digivice the size of a small Volkswagen.
"Got it," Asuka replied, pulling the digivice out of Sandrock's purse.
There was a loud crash as all reality dissolved into blackness, and weird digital symbols flew across the sky.
"Sandrock!"
…
"Shenlong!"
…
"DNA Digivolve to …"
…
"SHENROCK!"
BANG, BANG, BOOM … NEW GUNDAM!
"Nice lookin' machine," Shinji told the newborn half-breed.
The nine-story tall robot danced around the Cinq Kingdom, spinning its terribly warped staff in the air like a baton, its blue and yellow paint job glinting in the moonlight like a preschooler's vomit after eating an entire box of Crayola Crayons.
"Ready to go kick some OZ ass all the way down the yellow brick road?" asked the Shenrock.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, I think so," a shaken little Shinji replied.
So the battle between good and evil begins. Who will win? What is the Shenrock? Just what the hell is going on? What was in that bowl of crap so rudely ingested by the writer? Who is going to have Jeff's baby, and will it be human, or half boa constrictor like cousin Frank? Will Melanie wake from her coma? Will she remember her secret affair with Pete's brother's cousin's dog Bill? All these answers and more in the next gut-wrenching saga of "Honey, Where the F**K Are My Peanuts?"