The Pain
I had thought that he would always be at
my side and I with him. After all, we are soulmates.
And we had hope. What happened to us? I don't know
I can not answer it. For I, myself, am confused, angry
and hurt.
They say love will conquer all. They say
that there is always a rainbow after a storm. And
I am sad to say that all are not true. I have not
seen one rainbow. Nothing to cheer this half of a
soul that was once part of a mate. It will never
be ever again.
************
It has been five months since he has left. Left
for good. In the earlier months of our break up, there
were weeks of rejection. And my own denial. He
had said that he no longer harbored any feelings for
me and he was just following what was supposed to be.
That he should not follow destiny and instead, what is
truly in his heart. And that, was not certainly me.
He had said that it was only because of what we were. Our jobs. Was it just that? I had
questioned that after he had said it. My answer is
still no. I loved him for his charm. I loved him
for his heroic nature. For his gentleness. His caring
soul. And as I look out of my window and see him
with Ken, I feel loneliness creep up from within my soul.
For once, he had held me with such loving and
tenderness. I envy him. I envy him because he is
allowed to be close to him rather than me.
My friends say that he will come around. That
he still cares for me. Each day that passes without him
the more I wither. The more I want to die. Everyday
that I see him coming my way and yet abruptly turning the
other direction; that is another rejection I have to endure.
All the more I die inside. What had I done to him that
caused him to hate me? To avoid me at every cost. I wish
I had died there in the park. The eternal sleep would have
been much more comforting than this. This feeling of loneliness
and rejection from him. Why did he save me that night?
Was it because he wanted me to suffer to see him and
not be with him? Or was it that he still loves me.
Oh God, how I wish!
I run, run away. Yet I end up here; to our place.
Well what was once ours. I cry softly at the memories.
Too painful, too painful and yet I stay. Basking in my
misery, remembering what was once was. I shiver. I'm
cold. I look around and it is dusk. I've been here for
hours. Suddenly I am afraid.
I feel myself being pulled. I let myself be guided.
I look to Ken. He smiles that toothless smile of his and I
can't help but try and smile back. I shiver once more and the
more he tries to keep me warm. I wonder why he is doing this.
Why the sudden interest in my well being? I voice my concern
and his answer is this: "You are a good friend to me. I'm glad. I am proud to call
you friend." After hearing this, I feel my heart break.
"I don't know." I say.
As we walk back, I ponder and think on what she had
said to me. Am I really? Am I really good enough to be
called a friend?
I wake up. It is still dark out. I get up and walk outside. It is cold and I
welcome it. My mind wanders back to him. And I cry. I cry for
the lost. My lost, and the heart that feels so empty
without him. "Why," I hear myself asking. "Why'd you leave
me?" I ask of the quiet night. I stand up trying to
compose myself. But I can't. I shake all over. I
feel cold. I walk. I don't know where. Maybe if I
keep going, I'll forget about him, I rationalize to
myself. And I do. I walk. Walk past my home. I see
a junk yard. And I go there. This is where I belong.
I'm broken and can never be fixed. A discarded item
that is not wanted. I sit among them. "He never loved
me," I say to myself. "He never did and will ever again."
And I wait.
I can feel him. He is here. "It is over, can't you get it through
your thick head. WE ARE over." I reach a hand out to him.
Pleading with my eyes. And instead of comforting me, he
slaps my hand away. I recoil. He turns his face away
from me. He doesn't even want to see me. Am I that
hideous? Then I feel it. Anger within. "WHY," I demand
of him. "Why did you ever tell me you loved me when you
were just following what was said to be. I hate you
I hate you for what you have done." Then I run, run, run
away from him. This is too much for me. I didn't mean to yell
at him. But I can't do this anymore. I run until I
can run no longer. I stop and listen to my own heart
beating. I then, suddenly sense someone with me. My
heart flutters. Is it him? No it's not.
He is in the living room, near the door. "How are
you doing?"
"Why do you care," I respond. "Isn't it enough
that you left me without telling me why. Or did you just
think that I can get over you just like that." And I
snap my fingers to emphasize. "Youji... we were destined to
be together." I feel tears running down my cheeks. "I hate you Youji. For what
you have done to me. I just wanted you to know before I die."
I feel like coughing but I try to no avail to stop it.
He tries to come over but I raise my hand to keep him on his
side of the room. "I don't need your help. From now on,
don't help me. And when I say this, I mean it. I don't
want to see you near me when fight against them. Never
again. Do you hear me?" He nods slowly. "Get OUT!! You
make me ill." He starts to leave. I feel my soul
shattering. Why am I feeling this way? I'm over him.
************
They say that love will conquer all. They say
that there will always be a rainbow after a storm. But
I tell you this. Love will not conquer all. There
isn't always a rainbow after a storm. Death takes all that
away. I think it rather odd. I saw him when my soul
left my body. He cried. Cried for me. Or rather
for himself. I guess now he knows how I felt when he left me.
I heard his pleas back there. His pleads for me to stay with
him forever. And I wish that I could have returned but
I couldn't. You see, I died five months before. I have
given up on that life long ago when he left me. I guess
I just couldn't stand being left in the dust. Or maybe I
wouldn't be able to stand it if he ever did find someone
to replace me.
As I watch them now silently, unseen, I feel a pang
of loneliness as I await for them to rejoin me. To be
reborn together once more and go through it all again.
Perhaps it will be different the next time. Maybe this
next life I'll be a better warrior. Much braver. A better
student. Yes I miss him. I forgive him.
But I shall not forget.
THE END