Marie lay on her bed, trying her best to concentrate so she could study for the final exam in calculus she had coming up. Jubilee came bursting into the room, holding five large shopping bags in one hand and dragging Kitty behind her with the other. "Rogue! Emergency! Kit's finally got a date with Peter! Ya gotta help me dress her!"
"It's really not that big of a deal…" Kitty protested. "I mean we're only going to the movies, and it's not like what I'm wearing is going to make that much of a difference…"
"Ah! No wonder you're single!" Jubilee exclaimed. "The clothes make all the difference!"
"I'm sure anything I pick from what we bought together today will be fine…" Kitty said.
"Of course anything will be 'fine!' You need more than simply 'fine.' You need perfect."
Rogue closed her calculus book with a sigh. "Be quick about it, y'all. I have finals the day after tomorrow, and there's no way I'm even gonna pull a 'D' on my calc exam unless I do some serious studying."
"This won't take long. Kitty, show Rogue all the outfits."
Kitty sighed. "But Jubilee…"
"I don't want to hear any whining! Only I get to whine in this room! Now start trying on clothes!"
Rogue flopped back on her bed and waited for Kitty to change, knowing it would be a while before she got a chance to study more.
*** *** ***
Two hours and countless outfits later, Jubilee decided that Kitty should definitely wear the first one she'd tried on. "Are y'all done now?" Rogue asked once the dress had been decided upon.
"Sure! I just have to get her all ready now," Jubilee said. "Don't mind us…just go back to your studying."
"I was planning on it."
"Good. Now come on Kitty. Time to find you a pair of shoes."
"You didn't buy her shoes, too?" Rogue asked, half-sarcastically.
"Nah, I have plenty of shoes to go around."
"You have plenty of dresses to go around, too."
Jubilee looked at Rogue as if she'd just swallowed a bug. "You can't wear a borrowed dress on your first date with the man of your dreams. It's bad luck!"
"Oh please. You made that up."
"I did not! Jeez, didn't they teach you anything in Mississippi?"
"Obviously they didn't teach me calculus," Rogue grumbled.
"Well, the dress thing is more important to remember than calculus," Jubilee said.
"Somehow I doubt it'll help me graduate from college."
"Well it should. Come on, Kit. Time to dress your feet."
Rogue turned her concentration back on her studying. About five minutes later, she heard Jubilee ask, "Hey Rogue, what about these?"
Rogue looked up and saw Jubilee's hand sticking out from the closet, dangling a pair of shoes. "They look fine to me," Rogue said.
"I don't like open-toed shoes," Kitty said.
"Why not?" Jubilee asked.
"I have ugly toes."
"Please, you do not."
"Do, too. I'm not wearing them."
Jubilee gave an exaggerated sigh. "Fine. Nothing open-toed." She resumed her digging. "How about these?"
"They could work," Kitty said.
"Rogue? What do you think?" Jubilee asked.
"They're fine," Rogue said without looking up.
"So you don't think the red will clash with the blue?" Jubilee said.
"Uh-uh."
"Rogue, the shoes are white."
Rogue groaned. "Any shoes you pick will be fine, Jubilee. You are the mansion's resident fashion expert after all."
"But I need a second opinion!"
"And I need to pass calculus!"
"Fine. But if Kitty's date is a bomb, it's your fault!"
"Huh? My date's gonna be a bomb?"
"Of course not, Hun. Just trying to put Rogue on a guilt trip."
Rogue shut her book and started shoving her stuff into a bookbag. "Well, it isn't working. As a matter of fact, I'm going downstairs so you guys can figure this out without driving me insane. Good luck tonight, Kit. Be sure to tell me all the juicy details." She grabbed the bookbag and left the room.
Jubilee put her hands on her hips. "Well aren't some people just no fun."
*** *** ***
Rogue went down to the library, figuring that might be at least one place where no one would bother her. Twenty minutes later, she found out she was wrong.
"Hey, Rogue," Bobby Drake said as he walked in and sat down across from her at the table. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Tryin' to up my chances of passing my calculus finals from 'none whatsoever' to 'slight,'" Rogue said without looking up.
"I'm majoring in accounting," Bobby said. "Maybe I could help you."
"Alright, what's the answer to this question?" Rogue asked, pointing to one of the problems in her textbook.
Bobby grimaced. "Okay, they don't teach you stuff quite like that in accounting. Why in the world are you taking this class anyway? I thought you were going for a degree in education, not engineering."
"I am. But my adviser is evil and told me this would be a good class to have under my belt."
"Do you need it to graduate?"
"No, but I'd like to stay on the Dean's List if I could, and the only way that's gonna happen is if I ace this exam."
"All right. I won't bother you then," Bobby said, tapping his fingers on the table.
Rogue tried to ignore him, but it became increasingly more difficult. "Bobby, could you maybe…" she started.
"Sure, no problem," Bobby said, getting up and moving to the other side of the room. He absentmindedly took a book off the shelf and pretended to be reading it, but Rogue could tell he was paying a lot more attention to her than to Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility.
With Bobby watching her, and it made it next to impossible for Rogue to concentrate. Finally, she got up and left, mumbling some excuse about leaving something important in her room.
*** *** ***
Once out in the hallway, Marie ran into Logan. "Hey, Kid where you headed?" Logan asked.
"Some place where I can get some friggin' peace and quiet," Marie said.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, I just have to study for my calculus final—which is the day after tomorrow—and Jubilee's in our room playing fashion consultant for Kitty, and Bobby's in the library checking me out," Marie explained.
"Do you want me to take ya somewhere where you can be away from all of them?"
"Promise you won't start annoying me, too?"
"I can't promise it," Logan said. "But I'll do my best."
"That'll have to do," Marie replied.
Logan smiled. "Then let's go."
*** *** ***
"Thanks for getting me out of there, Logan," Marie said, once they were in a car and on the highway.
"No problem, Kid. You looked like ya needed it."
"I did. This exam has me at the end of my rope."
"I'm sure you'll do fine," Logan said. "You're smart, Marie."
"Thanks, Logan."
Marie suddenly reached down and grabbed the volume knob on the radio, turning up so it was blaring even with the windows rolled down. Logan grinned at the delighted look on her face. "This is my favorite song!" she exclaimed. "They hardly ever play it."
There's a cool breeze blowin' off the bay
And a warm flame dancin' with our shadows
To music playin' far away
I never meant to stay an hour
I thought that I was passing through
Another town along the highway
I never meant to fall for you
I only know the way I feel
When I sleep with you, Maria
There's nothing left for dreams to steal
On a Bible by the mirror
The only treasures that we hold
The only secrets that we're keepin'
A watch, a chain, a cross of gold
Marie sang along with the radio. Logan chuckled in amusement at the way she managed to be slightly off key and still sing well.
"You do realize your name is Marie and not Maria, don't ya," Logan teased.
"Close enough," Marie said before resuming her singing.
I can't tell you what I'll do
But I've a mind to take you with me
And I've got a heart to stay with you
When I sleep with you, Maria
There's nothing left for dreams to steal
On a Bible by the mirror
The only treasures that we hold
The only secrets that we're keepin'
A watch, a chain, a cross of gold
There's nothin' left for dreams to steal
The song ended and Marie pouted a little. Logan had to admit, she was cute. And with the windows rolled down and the wind blowing her hair around her face she looked, well, beautiful. "She's gonna make some man very lucky someday," Logan thought.
Then another thought hit Logan. What if he was that man? He shook it away as quickly as it came. Marie was too young, too innocent, for someone like him. Still, part of him wanted that, a woman as unlike him as Marie was. But he knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to her. In the end, he'd only hurt her.
Logan focused forward and continued to drive.
*** *** ***
Logan brought Marie to a secluded spot by a lake. "It's quiet here," he told her. "No one ever comes around. I go here to think sometimes."
Marie smiled, taking in the beautiful scenery. "Thank you, Logan. I think I'll be able to concentrate here."
"Do you want me to leave you alone for awhile?"
"No, that's okay. I don't mind having you around."
Logan smiled. "All right. I'll try not to bother ya then."
Marie sat down with her books by a tree and Logan sat a little ways down from her. He watched Marie as she leaned over her work, her hair falling forward, the sun hitting the white and making it shimmer. She brushed her hair behind her ear, and Logan could see her face, perfect like that of a porcelain doll. Her lips were parted slightly and her features were set in determination. Her beauty made Logan's breath catch.
Logan wanted his thoughts to move away from the disturbing turn they had taken, but there was nothing he could do to stop them. Marie was breathtaking. She frowned and erased a problem. She started scribbling vigorously, stared at her work, then frowned and erased again.
"Havin' problems, Darlin'?"
Marie looked up and her big, brown eyes pierced right through him. "I can't figure out how to do this," she said.
"Let me take a look at it."
Marie laughed. "I don't know how much help you'd be, Logan."
Wolverine looked at her with mock offense. "Hey, I might just be smarter than I look."
"All right, Big Guy, come take a look at this."
Logan walked over and sat down next to Marie. He took the book from her and asked, "Which one?"
"Number eighteen in the review section."
He read over the problem for a few seconds, then took the paper and pencil from beside Marie. He brushed against her as he leaned over and she gave a small gasp at his close proximity. Logan tried not to concentrate on how warm and soft she felt.
He worked the problem out, then showed Marie the answer he'd got. "This right, Kid?"
She looked at his results, then flipped to the back of the book to double-check. "Yeah, it is. How…how did you know that?"
Logan shrugged. "Don't know. That happens sometimes. I do things that I don't remember learnin' how to do."
"Maybe you were a calculus professor once," Marie said with a giggle.
"Somehow I doubt that."
"No, really, I could totally see that," Marie said, laughing harder.
"Hey, I figure out the problem for ya and all you can do is laugh at me? Do you want me to show you how I did it or not?"
Marie composed herself. "Sure, Logan. Thanks."
Logan gave her a nod and started his explanation.
*** *** ***
Logan opened his bedroom door to an ecstatic Marie. "Guess what?" she asked with a huge grin.
"You just won the Stanley Cup Finals?"
She hit him on the shoulder. "No! I passed my calculus exam." She held up a piece of paper. "See—I got an 'A'!"
Logan pulled her into a hug. "I'm proud of ya, Kid."
"I couldn't have done it without you, Logan."
"Sure you could have."
"Nope. You saved me this time."
"Isn't that my job?"
Marie giggled. "Yup."
"So what do you say we go somewhere and celebrate?"
"Will you buy me a beer?" Marie asked.
"What is it with you and tryin' to talk me into gettin' ya drunk?"
"Like I said before, it's your personality."
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Logan…"
"Do you want to go out at all?"
Marie pouted. "Fine, but when I finally turn twenty-one, you're taking me drinking with you."
Logan smiled. "If you really think you can keep up with me, it's a deal. Now how about we just go get a pizza or something?"
"Sounds good to me," Marie replied. "Let's go."
Logan wrapped his arm around her waist and they walked out together.
*** *** ***
Marie stared down at her plate. "You know what goes well with pizza…"
"Marie, no."
"Why not?"
"You ain't legal."
"I am in some countries."
"Not in the States."
"When did you care about legality anyway?"
"Eat your pizza."
"Logan…"
"Look, Marie, I've already corrupted you enough with all my memories in your head. I'm not gonna take away anymore of your innocence than I have to."
"Logan, it wouldn't exactly be my first beer. Besides, you already said you'd take me drinking when I turn twenty-one."
Logan ran his hand through his already-ruffled hair. The thoughts he'd had about her the day he'd took her out to study came back to him again and he had a sudden fear that he would do something to take away the naiveté he so admired in her. "Look, Marie, what you do when you're not around me is one thing, but I'm not going to encourage you to do things you shouldn't when I am around."
Marie gave him a confused look. "Since when?"
"Look, Kid some things just ain't right, okay?" Logan yelled.
"Are we still talking about beer? Because I'm twenty now, and I don't see how one drink now as opposed to next year is really all that big of a deal. Besides, you look a little flushed."
"Can we talk about something else?"
"Logan, what's wrong with you? You're actin' really strangely…Even for you."
"I just…I just want to talk about something else."
Marie considered pushing the issue, trying to figure out what really had Logan so worked up, but decided against it. "Fine, Logan. So how was your day?"
*** *** ***
Marie still expected Logan to leave this time. She braced herself for it, spending time with him when she could, but not letting him get too close. She wouldn't let him catch her off guard this time.
Time went by, first weeks, then months, and Logan didn't leave.
So Marie let her guard down. She let herself be comfortable around him. He still didn't leave.
She spent her twenty-first birthday with him. With her finally legal, he gave into her constant pleas to let her drink.
It didn't take long for Logan to have a very drunk Marie on his hands.
She giggled as Logan carried her up to her room. "You know I can walk," Marie told him as they entered the mansion.
"All right, Darlin', whatever you say," Logan said as he put her down on the ground.
Marie immediately fell to the ground. She looked up at him. "Okay, maybe not."
"I didn't think you could," Logan said as he picked her back up.
Marie nuzzled up against him as he carried her up towards her room. "Why don't you ever tell me what you've found in Canada?" she asked as they started up the stairs.
"I haven't found much."
"I know, but you've found something. Why don't you ever tell me?"
Logan sighed. "Ya don't need t'know."
"That's what you always say. What do you mean by that?"
Logan pushed one of the white streaks in her hair out of her eyes. "I've already saddled you with enough of my burden, Marie, what my memories and nightmares. I don't need to give you any more."
"You're always sayin' stuff like that. Why do you worry so much that you're gonna corrupt me?"
Logan grimaced, trying to ignore the fact that Marie had as of late been the star of more than one of his fantasies—a fact that disturbed him as much as it intrigued him. "Somethin' else you don't need to know, Marie."
Before Marie could say anything else, they were at her door. He opened it and carried her in, lying her down on her bed. He took off her jacket and boots and covered her with a blanket. "Sleep tight, Kid, 'cause you're gonna have one hell of a hangover in the mornin'."
Marie smiled as her eyes closed. "That's all right. It was worth it to get to spend time with you like this."
"I'll remind you of that in the mornin'. Night, Marie."
"Night Logan." She rolled over on her side. "I love you."
Logan stared down at her, his eyes wide open. "What?"
"I love you. And I mean it, too. Not just the alcohol talkin'."
Logan tried to think of something to say but soon realized he didn't have to. Her breathing told him she was already asleep.
By the time the sun came up the next morning, Logan had run again.
*** *** ***
Late the following afternoon, Rogue went to Logan's room. The door was unlocked and she was surprised to find he wasn't there. She looked towards his closet and found that some of his clothes and duffel bag were gone, too. With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, Marie ran from the room and down to the garage. Logan's motorcycle—the one he'd bought when Scott had said if he took his one more time he'd find a way to kill him—was gone. Marie sank to her knees and sobbed. He'd left and he hadn't even told her good-bye.
She clung to the dogtags she wore around her neck and wished it would all go away, that she would wake up back in her bed in Mississippi to find that everything—that Logan—was just a dream. She wanted the pain she was feeling to somehow cease to be real.
"Rogue?"
Marie didn't look up when she heard her name called. She knew that voice, and she didn't want to talk.
"Rogue, why are you on the floor of the garage?"
"You're the telepath, you tell me," Rogue said, trying to hide the pain in her voice with sarcasm.
Jean knelt down in front of her. "I know you're hurting right now, Rogue, but he'll come back. He always does."
"That doesn't matter anymore," Rogue said. "I don't care if he comes back. I don't even want him to come back. I never wanted him to leave!"
Jean looked at Rogue the way an adult would a child who lost a beloved toy. "You're just upset now. You'll be so busy with your life soon enough, and you'll barely even notice the time go by before Logan's back again."
Rogue looked into Jean's eyes, her expression almost pleading. "Don't you understand? I lose whatever life I've built every time Logan leaves! He comes back, makes me whole, and then he breaks me again so I'm left alone to pick up the pieces! God, Jean, why?!" Rogue began to sob again.
Jean could feel the pain and betrayal radiating off Rogue. She'd always known that Rogue felt something other than friendship for Logan, but it wasn't until that moment that she realized just how deep those feelings ran. "I'm sorry, Rogue. I'm sorry for how much this hurts you."
"Why?" Rogue asked again. "Why does he do this to me?"
"I don't know. I guess it's just his way."
"He wouldn't do this if you were the one who loved him! He'd never leave you!"
"I don't think Logan would be able to commit to me anymore than he would to anyone else."
"How do you know? I've seen the way he looks at you."
"I know because I've see the way he looks at me, too," Jean said. "And that isn't commitment in his eyes."
"Why do you say that?" Rogue asked.
"Because it isn't the way Scott looks at me."
"How do you know how Scott looks at you when he's wearin' those glasses all the time?"
Jean laughed a little. "Believe me, Rogue, I know."
Rogue tried to suppress her tears, but instead they came out as a whimper. "I want him to love me, Jean. I want him to love me the way Scott loves you!"
"I know, Sweetie, but sometimes things in life don't work out the way we want them to." Jean pulled Rogue over to her and hugged the younger girl.
"I can't believe he just left! He didn't even tell me good-bye."
Jean frowned. "Now that isn't like him. Are you sure he didn't at least leave you a note or anything?"
Rogue shook her head. "He didn't. I just found out he's gone. I went to his room and I came down here and…" She pulled away from Jean, pointed to the empty place where Logan's motorcycle should've been, and began her weeping again.
"I'm so sorry, Rogue. I don't know what would make Logan do that. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. You know how he is."
"I don't know why he would either, I…" Rogue stopped short as the hazy memories of the night before became clearer. She turned ashen as she remembered telling Logan she loved him. She stood up, her movements stiff, almost mechanical. "I have to go," she told Jean.
"What is it?" Jean asked as she got up.
"I just have to go," Rogue said, too embarrassed of the drunken admission she'd made to Wolverine to tell anyone what she'd said. "Thanks for talkin' to me, Jean."
Puzzled, Jean watched Rogue as the girl walked out of the garage.
*** *** ***
Rogue wandered through the mansion and up to her room, barely noticing the people and things she almost bumped into. Logan had run again, and this time, she knew why. She'd told him the truth and he hadn't wanted to hear it. She couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't ever coming back.
It hurt almost as much as the knowledge that Logan really didn't love her.
She went into her room and curled up on her bed. She didn't even notice Kitty sitting at the computer.
"Rogue? Are you okay? You look a little pale," Kitty said.
Rogue didn't respond. "Rogue? You in there? Say something, you're making me nervous."
Silence. Kitty walked over to the bed. "Rogue? Are you okay? Please, answer me."
Rogue looked up and noticed Kitty for the first time. "Oh, hi Kitty. I thought you were meeting Peter for dinner."
Kitty frowned. "That isn't for another couple of hours. Rogue, what's wrong with you?"
"Where are y'all going?"
"Huh? Who? Going where?"
"You and Peter?"
"A restaurant downtown. Really, Rogue, you don't look so good. And you're acting, well, strange."
"That's nice. I'm gonna take a nap, all right?"
"Rogue? Talk to me! What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong with me. I don't want to talk." Rogue rolled over and closed her eyes.
Kitty went downstairs and found Scott and Jean talking. "Um, I hate to bother you guys, but I'm worried about Rogue."
Jean frowned, thinking back on the conversation she'd had with Rogue in the garage and the strange way Rogue had walked away. "Why?"
"She just came upstairs, and I can tell something's wrong with her, but she keep insisting she's fine and asking me about my date with Peter instead. I don't know, she seems a little dazed to me."
"Dammit," Scott muttered. "Why does he do this? Does he even stop to think about the effect his actions have on others? And he calls me a dick…"
"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Kitty asked.
"Logan's gone again," Jean explained. "Apparently Rogue's taking it even harder than she has in the past."
"She really didn't think that he was going to leave this time," Kitty said.
"You know, if I ever get my hands on him…" Scott began.
"Really, Honey, killing Logan isn't going to do any good for anyone," Jean said.
"Sure would make me feel better," Scott replied.
"Where is Rogue now?" Jean asked.
"When I left her she was taking a nap," Kitty said.
Jean nodded. "That's probably what's best for her now. I'll talk to her when she wakes up."
"Do you think she'll be all right?" Kitty asked.
Jean put a reassuring hand on Kitty's shoulder. "Don't worry. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine."
*** *** ***
Rogue woke up a few hours later. She paused as she looked up and saw Jean Grey sitting beside her bed. "Jean, what are you doing in here?"
"Kitty said you seemed really upset and I came in to check on you."
"Oh."
"How are you feeling now?"
"Terrible."
"Rogue, when you left the garage earlier, you looked like you had suddenly remembered something you didn't want to know. What's wrong."
Rogue sighed, figuring she might as well get it out. "I know why Logan left."
"Why?"
Rogue started to cry a little. "I told him I loved him and I guess he doesn't want to be around me anymore."
Jean wanted to hunt Logan down and slap him upside the head for being an idiot and making Rogue feel as awful as she did. She brushed a few stray pieces of white hair away from Rogue's eyes. "I'm sure he still wants to be around you. He probably just needed some time to himself to think about how you voicing your feelings changed things between the two of you. He'll be back."
Rogue cried harder. "Why does he have this effect on me?" she asked. "Why, Jean?! I don't even want to care! It hurts so much, but I can't stop!"
"You're in love. Being in love isn't always easy."
"How do you know? You have Scott. He's like, perfect."
"Trust me, Scott is not perfect," Jean said with a wry grin. "And we didn't exactly just fall into a happy little fairy-tale romance the moment we met, either. It took a long time for Scott and I to realize just what we have together."
"What do you mean?" Rogue asked. "I always figured for you two it was love at first sight."
Jean chuckled. "Oh it was. It was just also uncertainty at first sight, too. Scott didn't think I could ever feel for him what he felt for me and vice-versa. We spent the longest time skating around the issue of a relationship."
"But why? It's so obvious you two are meant to be."
"Yeah, well, that wasn't so clear to us back then. But everything turned out okay in the end, and I'm sure it will with you, too."
"Not with Logan it won't."
"Rogue, I know you don't want to hear this, but there are other men out there besides Logan."
"I know…but Logan's…special."
"That's a nice way putting it."
Rogue giggled, then frowned again. "There might be other guys out there, but who's out there for me? Bobby?"
"You could always give it a shot."
"I don't know, Jean. I like Bobby, but I'm just not sure how much. Maybe if I'd never met Logan…"
"You don't have to meet the man of your dreams anytime soon, Rogue. You're only twenty-one—you have plenty of time for that."
"But you knew Scott by the time you were twenty-one." Rogue pointed out.
"That's true," Jean said, "But most people don't meet the person they'll spend the rest of their life with this young. Look at the Professor. God only knows how old he is, and he's still single."
Rogue giggled again. "Thanks Jean."
"For what?"
"For talking to me. For making me feel better. I think you've made the pain of losing Logan—again—a little more bearable."
"Glad I could help."
"Are you going to come downstairs or are you going to rest a while longer?" Jean asked.
"I think I'm just going to stay up here. I have a lot in my head I need to sort out."
"I understand. If you need me, don't hesitate to call me," Jean said, tapping her temple with her finger.
Rogue smiled as she got the message. "Sure thing, Doctor. As long as you don't mind me poking around up there."
"Of course not." She leaned down and gave Rogue a hug. "It'll be okay, I promise."
"I know," Rogue replied. "If there's one thing I've learned about life all ready it's it always hurts—but it always gets better."
*** *** ***
Rogue stayed in bed for a long time that evening, staring up at the ceiling and thinking. For the first couple hours she just sobbed, clutching Logan's dogtags and cried out all the pain he'd put inside her. She yearned for him and wished with all her heart that he would love her the way she loved him. The thought that the knowledge of her love for him pushed him away made her sick, and the fact that this time she was what drove Logan away made her feel like she couldn't hold on anymore.
As the evening drew on, Rogue stopped crying and she started to feel some of her strength returning. Maybe Jean was right. Maybe she didn't need Logan. She was young and there were plenty of people out there she could fall in love with that wouldn't treat her the way Logan did. Somewhere, she knew there was a man who would love her, who would be with her and stand beside her no matter what.
But then again, why give up before you'd even given it a real chance.
Rogue sat up in her bed feeling more refreshed and alive that she had in a long time. With a renewed sense of purpose, she sat up and tore Logan's dogtags from her neck. She threw them on her bed then went to her closet where she snatched up a bag and started packing. She took an inventory of her clothes and decided it wasn't what she needed. She grabbed a few outfits from Jubilee's closet, knowing her friend wouldn't mind.
She strode out of her room with a goal in mind.
*** *** ***
To be continued…