Forbidden Love
by Duo's Chick
and
Star Kindler
Chapter Five
Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will
***
"There is a desert inside me. My soul is scorched. I am naked and empty. There are no words in my mouth."
-Elchanan Elkes, in a letter to his children
from the Kovno Ghetto in Lithuania
***
Heero sighed as he walked in his bedroom. After another long day at Sachsenhausen, he was exhausted. He ripped his uniform jacket off and threw himself on the bed. So many thoughts bombarded his brain; thoughts that ripped at his heart; thoughts that confused him. He was torn between his love for Duo and his will to live. With another long sigh, he stood and walked over to his desk. He unlocked the top drawer and pulled out a small brown and worn book. As he opened it and picked up a pen, he felt a strange sensation building up in his eyes. When he placed the tip of the fountain pen to the black paper in the book, a single drop of liquid escaped his eyes; and then another and yet another tricked down his cheek. By the time he formed the date in the corner, he was weeping bitterly.
The tears flowed freely from Heero's eyes as he wrote in the small leatherback journal. He scrawled the words with a trembling hand as he poured his heart out onto that piece of paper.
February 3, 1943
The war on the outside rages on as does the bitter battle in my heart. Sometimes, I find myself just wanting to go to Barton and confessing the truth about myself, but that would mean instant death. It doesn't matter how high Barton thinks of me as a soldier. Even Hitler ordered the murder of a close friend because the man was homosexual.
But yesterday afternoon, I did the most horrible deed imaginable. I've killed an innocent man by choice. I know I've killed many times, but those occurrences were under orders. Though I had orders from the Kommandant to choose a man for this ghastly experiment, I chose the one man my love was connected to. This young man kept the spirit alive in my Duo, and I've killed him, along with my love's beautiful spirit. I didn't have to pick that young Quatre. I had a choice of any homosexual inmate in this camp, and I picked Duo's best friend. What the hell is the matter with me?
Inwardly, I should have known this medication would do nothing but evil. They say it would change a person's sexual preference, but the concept is positively ludicrous. It is impossible to alter a person's heart, no matter how hard you try. It was terrible for Quatre as I forced the capsule of death down his throat. Minutes afterward, he lay on the cot, gasping for breath. I watched in silence. I knew as he took his last breath that I had done something terribly wrong. He died painfully, and he didn't have to. I can say I wish I were suffering the same pain. I deserved it.
Duo's spirit is now officially dead. I know every prisoner becomes emotionally lifeless, but I could see previously that Duo was grasping onto that life by thin treads. I've cut those threads, I could tell as I watched him work today. He worked alone, with a blank look upon his perfect features. He did, however, glance up at me once. The blank stare turned into one of hatred and betrayal. The bitter expression slapped me in the face, and tore my heart in two. I don't expect him to trust me now, for I did betray him. I took something away that meant the world to him, and what probably kept him alive.
I'm crying. I can't believe I'm actually crying. I haven't wept once since I enlisted as a Nazi. I am a man. I'm supposed to be strong, and tears are a sign of weakness. If anybody knew…if even one other soldier saw, God knows what would happen to me.
I know why I'm weeping. It's my lie I call my life. While sitting in this bedroom at night, I find I have a lot of time to contemplate life. Many times, I wonder if mine is worth living. In the Nazi government, homosexuals are inferior, and a threat to the rise of the German Empire. Hitler also associated the Germany's bitter defeat in World War I and the signing of the Versailles Treaty with homosexuality – stating it as unmanly – the humiliation our country suffered. Deep in the root of my being, I find the whole thing absurd. Yet I continue to be disloyal to myself. My heart just cannot convince my mind. I am full of contradictions.
If I lived anywhere else on this continent, my particular group would not be persecuted. But, I am German, living in Germany. Here, the gays are forced into slave labor and treated cruelly. I myself am living a lie. No matter how guilty I feel about the atrocities I commit, I must remain strong. As long as there is a Nazi Germany, I will continue to serve under Hitler, under the Nazi government, as the true model of what the master race is all about. Even if this means betraying Duo and myself. It doesn't matter anymore. In this day and age, in order to survive, it may mean deceiving your heart.
I have seen people shot down in cold blood. I have watched young children ripped from their mother's arms mercilessly killed without sorrow. I have witnessed innocent civilians being beaten and murdered on the corner of the street with feelings of power overtaking my body. I have killed in cold blood, I have taken children from their mothers, and I have killed innocent people on street corners without an ounce of remorse in my heart. I have done all of this. I must not be sorry for my deeds. I am not human. No, not at all. I am above all human kind. I am a Nazi soldier.
Heero put his pen down. With a deep breath, he shut his journal, and locked it in his desk. He knew that it was dangerous to keep that book. If Barton decided to inspect his room, he would find it, and learn Heero's secret. But Heero had to write. He knew if he just held all his bitter thoughts insides, he would surely die.
He sighed and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes. The young officer stood to his feet and crossed the chamber to his washroom. Flicking on a light, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. To his surprise, he didn't recognize the man gazing back at him. His features, though red from crying, were stern and unemotional like those of Officer Barton. His deep blue eyes were the eyes of a man who represented the Nazi Government. Heero looked away from the reflection in anguish, realizing his cover up was all too successful.
***
Duo shuddered and continued to work in the frozen weather, shoveling snow. He hadn't seen Heero, and really didn't care to. Obviously, Heero was a Nazi soldier, and had no care whatsoever for an inmate. But the thing Duo could not get out of his mind was the kiss. Duo knew Heero was also homosexual…yet he was a Nazi. Faintly, Duo could remember the speech he listened to with Nikolai; the one Heinrich Himmler had made about three years ago. Bits and pieces floated across his mind:
"…In the SS, today, we still have about one case of homosexuality a month…I order punishment…they will be sent by my order, to a concentration camp… I hope finally to have done with persons of this type in the SS, so that at least the good blood…and the increasingly healthy blood which we are cultivating for Germany, will be kept pure…"
Duo shuddered at the memory and realized that Heero was hiding who he was. This made Duo all the angrier.
'The coward! How can he continue to serve as a Nazi when other gays are suffering? How can he watch the horror we're put through? Better yet…How can he watch us die?'
Then, out of no where, Duo's thoughts were interrupted by loud jeering. Three prisoners without the pink triangle patches, approached him with trouble on their mind. Terrified, Duo stared at the ground, trying to concentrate on his work. The men obviously did not want to be ignored. One grabbed Duo's shovel and threw it aside. Duo's violet eyes were now wide with horror. He knew the straight prisoners were cruel, but surely the Nazis standing on guard close by, wouldn't allow him any harm. He was wrong.
"Hey queer," one of the bigger guys grabbed him by the arm, "what happened to that little blond fag? Didn't make it, did he?"
Duo felt a jolt of anger coarse through his veins; suddenly he didn't care if the other prisoners killed him right there. "How dare you call Quatre that-"
He was silenced by a blow to his face. "Feeling brave? We'll teach you to talk to us like that." And the man smashed Duo in the jaw. The braided boy bit down on his lip in the process, and blood trickled down his chin. He lost his balance and fell into the snow.
"What? Don't want to fight back?" One of the men asked with fake sympathy. Duo looked up at them with full eyes.
'Kill me, please just get me out of this misery…please, please kill me." He begged them in his mind. Another of the men kicked Duo in the stomach, causing the braided boy to double over. His whole body ached, and because of the blow to his stomach, he was gasping for oxygen; but he didn't care.
"Should've known one of these weak fags wouldn't fight back…" One said with a disappointed tone in his voice.
So they resorted to kicking him continually. Luckily for Duo, the shoes on the prisoners were made out of soft cloth, so the pain wasn't that bad. Nevertheless, the young man screamed, just wishing for it to be over. By the time the men tired of abusing him and walked away, he was lying on the ground; bloodied and battered. He stayed in the freezing snow, though immensely cold, seemed to numb the pain emitted from the contusions across his body. After a while, he saw two shadows loom over him. He looked up to see Officer Chang and Officer Yuy standing above him; and The raven-haired one held a shot gun to his face. Duo could see directly up the barrel.
"What are you doing?" Officer Chang asked. "Get back to work before I blow your head off." Duo complied and painfully stood to his feet. He stumbled over to the spot where his shovel had landed and picked it up. Before he got back to work he looked back at the two officers. Officer Yuy watched him with a stern and uncaring look.
'Guess I was right Heero. You just don't care what happens to us.' And he went back to work, ignoring the pain shooting through his body.
***
Comments? Criticism? Please let us know what you think! ~Star Kindler and Duo's Chick