From: Jenn
Title: For All That We Have Part II
Summary: Scully's POV, continuation from a previous fic—For All That We Have
Rating: PG - 13
Comments are appreciated at
Spoilers: Minor--Existence
Distribution with permission please! Just e-mail me and let know!
Disclaimer: As much as I dream that they did, no one in this story is mine. I just get to pretend for the purpose of this fic. Story lines are mine though! That's right CC, if you want 'em you gotta pay ME!!! Your turn for a disclaimer! Hahahhaha! Yeah right…In my dreams…. literally.
I didn't plan on writing a sequel, but here we go! It is STRONGLY recommended you read "For All That We Have" first…it'll stop you from being completely confused and going "what the hell…?"
FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE
Part II
-By Jenn
I never let anyone see my true emotions. How much the departure of my true family really affects me. Besides Skinner (and Doggett, to a lesser extent) no one really knows what happened. There's an emptiness deep within that never ceases. A loud pounding in my head that reminds me every waking moment, and interrupts my sleepless nights…full of nightmares and dreams.
I jump as the phone interrupts my thoughts. Noon on a Sunday? A tiny piece of my mind races whenever the phone rings…the possibility that it could be Mulder…safe and sound.
"Hello?"
"Scully? It's Skinner."
A small part of me deflates. I know shouldn't get my hopes up. I honestly can't help it.
"How are you Dana?"
"I'm okay. All things considering. And yourself Sir?"
"Good. Thanks. Listen, Dana, I called for a reason. It's nothing to worry about or anything, I just need a little information, um…"
"Go ahead."
"Well, I don't want to push you or anything…. I am calling to ask if you are planning to return to the FBI. I've had inquiries from upstairs. They know about Mulder and your baby. I don't know how much longer I can get you time away."
"Oh. Um…can I call you back?"
"Sure Agent Scully. Any time."
I hang up the phone and lay my head back on the pillow. I knew that call was coming. I know I have no real reason to be away. Except that it hurts too much, but Kersh won't buy that. That cold heartless bastard. I could just quit all together…no…that's not an option. I guess the question is – am I going to return to the X-Files?
I can sit here and pretend to contemplate forever, but deep inside I know the answer. The original purpose of the X-Files was Mulder's quest to find his sister…to uncover the truth. Now that the surface has been scratched…and I have seen all of the possibilities that this truth may be, I can't stop now. I have to do it for him. And for our son – so that one day, we can be reunited.
I hesitate for a moment, then reach for the phone.
"Hello Sir. Sorry to cut you off like that before."
"That's all right Agent Scully. I understand."
"Well Sir, I have made my decision. Um…I will return to the X-Files. Please don't ask me if I'm sure…I know I have to do this. For the sake of my family."
I can hear him breathing at the other end, unsure of what to say next.
"Agent Doggett will be there as well Scully, like always, so you won't be alone. He'll be looking forward to have you back. Plus, you will have some additional assistance….Agent Monica Reyes has been authorized to stay aboard for the time being on a probationary system.
"Scully?"
"Yes?"
"When is a good time for you to return?"
I begin to fiddle with the edge of the sheet on my bed.
"I see no reason to put it off any longer. I'll be in tomorrow morning."
"Are you--" he catches himself. "See you then Agent."
I breathe in deeply as I hear the click from the other side. I get up from my place on the bed and begin towards the bathroom.
I glance over at William's bassinet, and see toys and blankets he never had the opportunity to use. I stop and run my hand over one of the blankets. The material is soft beneath my fingertips as I begin to trace one of the elephants dancing on the blue background. A drop of wetness falls onto my hand. I quickly brush it away just to have another fall. And another.
These fucking tears again. I've done enough crying to last an entire lifetime. I fold the blanket neatly and return to its proper place and continue my way to the washroom. I need to look presentable at work tomorrow…no need for others to see this. I'm sick of those office rumours as it is.
I remove my white tank top and gray sweatpants and reach to turn on the hot water. The steamy liquid glitters down my hand as I look to adjust it to the right temperature. I step beneath the hot spray and allow it to cascade down my neck and shoulders. An image suddenly enters my mind. I flash back to when I was still pregnant…. I allowed that Lizzie woman into my home and Lord knows what she was doing…that flashback jumps to more images. William and Mulder…where exactly they are, and what they're doing, feeling, thinking. Are they running? Is there truly danger following them? I sigh as I realize I've already gone over these questions a million times in the past two weeks.
* * *
"Good morning Agent Scully," John Doggett greets me from the desk as I enter the basement office.
I smile at him thinly. He's still in rough condition from that night I last saw Mulder and William. He has a long gash that runs from the back of his neck and disappears down the front of his collar. There are some fading bruises and scrapes…likely many I can't see as well. At least he's alive. He did what he needed to; to delay whatever it was that night. Skinner relayed Doggett's story to me when he got it…that it was dark the night and he couldn't tell who the assailant was. He abandoned his attack when he realized that Mulder, William, nor I were present. Gunshots didn't even stop him though. At least, Doggett said he was fairly sure it was a "him."
"Agent Doggett…how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine. Glad to see you're holding up all right."
I nod. He continues –
"Listen, I know you may not feel comfortable, or ready at this point, or with me, but I'm here to talk to you, if you ever need to. I'll understand."
"Thank-you, Agent Doggett. I'll keep that in mind."
I know he would understand my emotions…. he lost his son as well…forever. He doesn't really talk about it much though. Their must still be wounds there that never completely healed.
"Where is Agent Reyes?"
"She's upstairs. We're conducting a full investigation of Deputy Director Kersh and his office. You know about what may have gone on there Agent Scully?"
"Briefly. But A.D. Skinner told me he's still receiving orders from Kersh."
"Right now, it's all speculation. He still reigns until proven guilty."
As much as I would like to express my true feelings about the Deputy Director, I refrain. Who knows what he can hear? I know he's just itching to find ammunition to fire any one of us.
"I just hope this investigation goes quickly," I remark. Agent Doggett looks up at me and smiles. I think he gets my point.
"Me too."
I uncross my arms and let my eyes glide over the office. It's not been touched….I think Doggett and Reyes know how much this office has meant to me, and to Mulder over the years, and have had the respect to keep it the same. It's a comfort, actually, and I silently thank Doggett for it.
"Do you have any paperwork I an catch up on?" I ask.
"Yeah," he pulls a folder out from a stack of papers on the desk and pushed it toward me, "…here."
I begin to flip through it…nothing too incriminating…. unless you know the whole story. And of course, not many people around here will believe it even if you tell them. There's some evidence of meetings with Knowle Rohrer and Agent Crane…some receipts from –
My cell phone rings, and Agent Doggett looks up from his work, and I regard him quizzically.
"Scully."
I hear a lot of static and interference.
"Hello? Is anyone there?" I raise my voice and listen more carefully. I hear a faint voice amongst the static…very unclear.
"Sc…y……..to………we'll…………..don……ry…….we lo………."
My skips a beat, then begins to race.
"Mulder?! Mulder?! I can't understand….where are you?! Hello??? Mulder?"
The noise from the other end it just garble.
Agent Doggett rises from his seat and stands beside me.
The transmission is cut and the phone falls silent. I study the phone in my hand…I look at Agent Doggett.
"Scully, are you sure? Maybe you just thought…"
I glare at him.
"I know that voice…I'm almost positive…"
"Can we run a trace on that?"
"No…don't. I don't need that kind of information being found out and falling into the wrong hands.
He nods in comprehension.
I wonder what Mulder found the need to call me for. Risking his location, and possibly being found out. I need to just trust him. He knows what he's doing. At least I know he's still thinking of me.
* * *
Agent Doggett hasn't mentioned a word about that call three days ago. I'm glad he sympathizes with the situation more than I though he would.
"Agent Scully?"
I look up from my computer to see Agent Doggett standing at the door.
"Yeah?"
"The Assistant Director would like to see you in his office."
"Is this about Kersh again?"
"He just said he needed to see you right away."
I get up and make my way to the elevator. This thing with Kersh is dragging on too long. He's covered his tracks too well. Maybe Skinner has found something new.
"The Assistant Director is waiting for you, Agent Scully," the secretary opens the door for me.
He is sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. His eyes are red-rimmed, and glossy.
"Sir? What is it?" Panic grips my chest, my breathing becomes short.
He looks up. He stands beside me, and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"You don't need this Dana. This has put you through too much."
Oh God.
"Sir…what happened to them?"
He looks at me, the tears streaming down both our faces.
"Someone got to both of them. They were found in Mexico early yesterday afternoon. Together. The police found them, and called me this morning when they found Mulder's ID."
My legs become weak, Skinner leads me over to the couch in his office.
"What….exactly…happened?" I manage to choke out.
"In a motel…. when they were found, Mulder was protecting the child in his arms. We don't know exactly how…or why…but they're gone. And I am so sorry."
He takes me in his arms. Someone has reached into my chest and pulled out my heart. Emptiness. Complete and total emptiness…pain…suffering.
Fuck this world. Fuck what's outside of this world…what did this.
* * *
I hardly ever get out of bed anymore. My family was cremated and I spread the ashes at sea. My mother comes over every day, but I don't talk to her. I don't even acknowledge her presence. She comes, then leaves a couple of hours later.
It's my son's one-month birthday...a small milestone he never got to see.
I need…I need to be with them. I need to get rid of suffering inside me.
I rummage through my bedside night table…nothing there. I get to my feet…that feels weird. My legs are like rubber. The kitchen doesn't have what I'm looking for either. I make my way to the washroom, open the medicine cabinet. There's one…a razorblade.
I return to my bedroom, and get a piece of paper and a pen, and begin to write –
Mom;
I'm sorry that this had to happen this way, but I hope you understand. I cannot live this way.
I waited my entire life for a family…and now they're gone. Forever. This agony is too much strain on my body. My existence is worthless. I have to go and be with them now. In my mind, there is no other way. I need to get out.
I spent eight years of my life, searching for something with so much purpose and reason. I spent that time with a man that I fell in love with over time. I had everything. Now the purpose and reason and the man are all gone…it's one man's quest that ended in tragedy…and now there is no reason to continue with it. The beautiful child we had together is a product of eight years of struggle. Now he is gone as well. It's just me left, all alone. And I can't do this anymore.
Please don't blame yourself…I love you Mom. Please tell the rest of the family how much I love them and will miss them. Please thank Walter Skinner and John Doggett for helping me throughout some of the toughest times of my life. I owe my presence on this earth up until now to them.
Now it's time to end these tough times.
Fight the Future --
Dana Scully
I put the pen down, and fold the paper neatly in half, and place it on my nightstand. I reach up and remove the cross necklace from my neck and place it with the note.
I take a deep breath and gingerly pick up the razorblade. I study the rectangular object…the light glitters off it brightly. I place it to my wrist and begin to apply pressure. Blood immediately appears, and I begin to move farther around my wrist.
"I think that would be a mistake."
I look up.
"Mulder…?" I hear my voice whisper in disbelief.
I see Mulder standing in my doorway, William in his arms.
"I'm hallucinating…I have to be."
"No Scully. This is real. I am real, your baby is real."
I stand and walk toward the apparition. I extend my hand toward Mulder's face and meet warm flesh. I feel the tears again, streaming down my pale cheeks, simultaneously with Mulder's. I look at him in wonderment, confusion.
"How…?"
He takes a blanket and places on my lacerated wrist.
"Scully, why are you doing this?" His voice his quiet. The baby stirs in his arm. He's so much bigger than I remember.
"You…my family…you were dead…." I try to make sense between my teardrops.
"No, Scully. We're here now, in the flesh. Take you child Dana. He misses his mother."
A wave of happiness floods over me as I feel the small child in my grasp again.
"Mulder…you faked your death…?" I speculate…the only thing that makes sense.
"I've done it before, I could do it again. I've been dead three times now…it's nothing new."
"Mulder…"
"Think about Scully…if they think I'm dead, and Will's dead, they'll stop chasing. You have no idea how many close calls we had. Two weeks ago, when I did this, the attacks stopped."
"Skinner knows you're alive?"
"No. No one does. Except you."
"When they find you're alive, the running will begin again."
"Let's hope they never find out. Or, when they do, we'll be old news."
"Mulder…we can't hide forever…."
"Scully…ssshh…. we'll talk in the morning." He motions toward the sleeping child in my arms.
I place William in the bassinet, covering him with and elephant blanket.
I turn toward Mulder and let him hold me in his arms.
"You have no idea how difficult this was for me Mulder…"
"We're all together now Scully. That's all that matter now. Let's enjoy all that we have right now…at this moment."
The End