By Rachel
Rating: PG
Summary: Future; Angel/Cordelia; Cordelia tries to hold on to her new family and Angel, but her husband wont allow her to have it all, and Cordelia's faced with the hardest decision of her life. Originally inspired by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
b ____________________________________________ a
They left that evening and things
went on the same as they had for the next four months. Evelyn grew, her
personality quickly emerging in evident facial expressions and sounds. Cordelia
shook her head.
'This one is going to be trouble.
Fun, but trouble.' She tried to hold Evelyn still with one hand while she
readied the plastic Pamper with the other. But Evelyn wasn't having any of
that. She wiggled and whined and squirmed to the best of her might, and left Cordelia
frustrated; the unused diaper in hand. Cordelia flung the diaper down on the
changing table and sighed.
"You WILL wear this diaper, Evelyn
Angel, it's only a matter of time." Evelyn showed a silly face, her eyes
squinting shut and her tongue sticking out of her mouth between still fresh
gums. Cordelia smiled inwardly, taking the opportunity to grasp both of the
infant's feet and lift them high off the table. She lifted the baby's bottom
from the surface, slid the diaper beneath her, and was half way there before
Evelyn had known what hit her. Evelyn started to cry bitterly. "Uh oh,"
Cordelia moaned, dressing the girl with sweet smelling baby powder and finally
able to fold the diaper into place, secured it comfortably, much to Evelyn's
distress. She picked up her baby, and held her against her shoulder, patting
her back and rocking her gently. Evelyn started to quiet.
Cordy could just feel the defiance
building up; ready to be unleashed, much to her fear, anywhere between the next
12 to 16 years. With a sigh, Cordelia wondered what she had gotten herself
into.
"Kiddo,
you're going to be a stubborn one."
She smiled again though as she
retired to their rocking chair, and lowering Evelyn in her arms, unbuttoned her
blouse to feed her. Except for the calming suckling sounds, things were quiet.
This was Cordelia's favorite time. Peace and quiet…forming a
bond with her child… What more could she want? She sighed uselessly at the
thought of her husband.
It'd have been nice to have him on her side for once, once
every so often, just once for him not to come home and interrogate her as to
who came over when and how long did they stay and had they been alone with
Evelyn again, and what did he say about that…
Of course he meant one man in
particular. And Cordelia could do nothing to sway him from it. The argument
went on and on.
Cordelia watched her baby's eyes,
now closing contently as she zoned out and fed. Cordelia felt a pang of guilt,
and started to rock, the rocking chair creaking every so slightly as its base
rose and fell across the carpeting. She could see John's point of view. And she
could almost understand why he might feel that way…but it was just so wrong. To
regard Angel that way was just so…
"Ugh."
Cordelia rolled her eyes.
It was stupid. And irrational. And
ridiculous. And misplaced. And just…totally wrong. She sighed.
There was nothing she could say to
ease John's fears. The more she defied him, the worse he got. And for the last
month, she couldn't even talk to him, about anything, without starting a fight
that always ultimately came back to Angel. And it injured her. Where had that
wonderful man that she had married gone? They'd been married for three years
now. And things couldn't be worse. Cordelia closed her eyes and sat back
silently.
He'd given her a choice last
night. An ultimatum. One that Cordelia decided immediately not to acknowledge.
But now in the simple surroundings of the nursery and the rest of the still
house…while John was away at work, and Cordelia had time alone to think…she
couldn't ignore it. It was eating at her.
Angel or her family.
Angel. Or her family.
Angel.
Or her family.
Didn't he see? Angel was her
family! There was no way she could even answer to that!
How frustrating. And how unfair!
How unnerving that a man she loved so much could possibly try to keep her from
the man she trusted more than anything in the world. John had never been an
unreasonable man. Never. Not ever. Not after being introduced to Cordelia. Not
after dating Cordelia. Not after proposing to Cordelia, and certainly not after
finding out he was going to be a new father...
Angel had taken a case involving disappearing business men from a major advertising agency in Burbank that supposedly might have had ties to the occult. The A.I. team had discovered that young associates were being duped into a frightening pact with the demon cult Bane Athol Dalero, and without their knowledge, were being sacrificed by the higher execs in the firm, at the CEO's control. The more sacrifices they made, the more money and power he got.
John had been one of the
associates they had saved. And the moment he had laid eyes on Cordelia Chase,
he'd fallen utterly and hopelessly in love.
Cordelia just didn't get it now.
Angel had saved his life. And over the years, John had seen Angel save many,
many, many other lives. How could he even think Angel would ever do anything to
hurt anyone! Least of all, Evelyn! And how in the hell could he even regard
Angel as being dangerous when he saw how Angel had taken care of Cordelia
during her pregnancy? Saw how gentle Angel was with her, and saw how happy
Angel was for the both of them as it all happened?
What had made him go so damned
crazy that he was questioning her love for her baby, and making
insinuations that she must not care all that much if she could choose a blood
thirsty demon over the safety of her child.
'Blood thirsty??? Who! Angel??? No
way! He's not a killer, and John damn well knows that!' Cordelia wrinkled her
nose in disgust and opened her eyes. All this insaneness was making her sick.
She looked down. Evelyn had finished eating and now lay
silently sleeping in her arms. Cordelia pulled herself out of the rocking chair
and carefully laid her daughter back in her crib. She turned and left the room,
going into her own and to her closet, which she flung open in agitation and
began picking and choosing an outfit to wear that day.
Originally John had been fairly
supportive. She worked through her first month of pregnancy not knowing she'd
been pregnant, but when she found out, it had been Angel who took her off of
work detail. She'd wanted to continue working as most women do until her
seventh month or so before taking a standard maternity leave, but Angel
wouldn't hear it. John had even been on her side, agreeing that if she wanted
to work, let her work. But Angel saw the danger of that. He didn't want her
anywhere in the line of fire. He didn't want her susceptible to anything having
to do with the supernatural, and he didn't want her stressing over demonology research
or their injuries when they got home from a hunt.
In the end, it had been the right
thing. She knew that. And she appreciated it. Angel had truly protected her
over the years. But now that Evelyn had been born, she couldn't think of a
single reason why she shouldn't go back.
She was sick of the argument and
sick and tired of sitting around and doing nothing all day. Cordelia had
decided a week ago that it was about time she got back to work. She hadn't
talked to anyone about it yet...not Angel, and least of all, not John. It would
just infuriate him. And it was her decision to make. She wouldn't take no for
an answer. Which all the more perplexed her…why would he say no?
Of course there was John's
reason…blood thirsty Angel. But that was senseless and didn't count. There had
been the question of spending time with Evelyn and not being there for her
night and day… But Cordelia had figured that one out: She'd bring her to the
office with her. No biggie. Especially if she was just helping out with the research.
She knew there was nothing John
could do to convince her not to work, but she was worried about his reaction to
keeping Evelyn with her. The way he was acting now…who knew what he'd do then?
She admitted that it was a scary thought.
Cordelia started to dress and
shrugged her shoulders. 'I'll just tell him it's my decision…' She thought.
Then nervously added, 'or I'll just lie and say I put her in daycare.' He
wouldn't like the day care thing either…but it would be better than having to
hear him go berserk over Evelyn being at Angel's…
But Cordelia shoved it all out of
her mind. Right now, all she was worried about was getting out of the house.
She finished dressing and went to Evelyn. She dressed her in her lavender
jumper, complete with matching socks, mittens and hat, and, loading her into
her carrier, left the house.
b ____________________________________________ a
A trip across town and twenty
minutes later, Cordelia was pulling her Mercedes into Angel's parking garage.
"We're here!" She said excitedly
to her baby strapped in her car seat in the back. Evelyn just looked wide-eyed.
"Oh, Evelyn, I have missed this place so much," Cordelia sighed. She got out
and eyed the entrance. She'd came by once or twice a week at first, stopping in
to check on the boys, but the bigger she got, the harder it was for her to get
around. And eventually, in the sixth month, she couldn't come at all. That
didn't stop the guys from coming to see her, though. And so it'd been nearly
six months since she'd been to the Hyperion. Seeing it again, she really missed
the old place.
Her eyes lit up in wonder as she
came through the door, carrying Evelyn in the carrier and dragging her purse
and diaper bag along. The lobby looked just the same, a bit messier in the
research area, but just the same. She came over to the workstation set up at
the old check in counter and sat the carrier down. Evelyn chewed quietly on her
mitten, and smiling, Cordelia went back and closed the door behind them. She
came back over, dropping her purse and bag in a chair then spun around, staring
at the high vaulted ceiling and hugged herself. She closed her eyes and
breathed in the stale scent of old books and immediately felt home.
Evelyn started to fuss, and
Cordelia paused looking over at her.
"Cordelia?"
Cordelia turned around and
followed her eyes up the stairs to Angel. He came down quickly, still dressed
in his sleepwear; white tank top and black pajama bottoms; surprised and
delighted to see her.
"I heard the car…What are you
doing here?" He asked as he came over and hugged her. She grinned profusely,
but then Evelyn started to cry. Angel walked over to her and at the sight of
him, she stopped. He smiled down at her and touched her face. Cordelia raised a
brow.
"Angel, the effect you have on her
is amazing."
"Is it?" He asked proudly, looking
back to Cordy as Evelyn wrapped a warm, mittened hand over his finger.
"It is." She said, coming to stand
beside him. They both looked down at the baby. "I've decided its time." She
said simply.
"Time for what?" He asked.
"To come back to work."
Angel's eyes widened.
"Angel…I can't sit at home
anymore. I need something to do. I miss being here. You don't even have to pay
me," Cordelia smiled hopefully. "I just want to be back here where I belong.
Just a couple of hours a day if you want. I'll research, I'll file paperwork,
whatever you want me to do. Like I said, you don't even have to pay me…" She
watched him carefully, crossing her fingers behind her back.
"Of course I'll pay you, Cordy,"
Angel stated. Her eyes lit up.
"Then I can work???"
"Yeah, of course."
"YAY!" She grabbed Angel around
the waist and squeezed. Angel was startled and, letting out a giggle, pushed
her away. "Oh my god," Cordelia stared. "Did you just giggle???" Angel looked
embarrassed.
"It tickled." He said.
"Oh." She gave him one of those
looks and he glanced away.
"Want some coffee, or something?"
He asked, heading towards the kitchen.
"No," She called. "Still
breastfeeding, no major caffeine intake."
Angel paused at the door and
looked again embarrassed. She shook her head at him, awed at how easily he
still discomfited. "I'll have some juice or something, though." She finished,
giving him a quick assuring glance.
"I have some orange juice,"
"That'd be fine."
After a moment, Angel came back
with a glass of orange juice for Cordelia and a cup of plain black coffee for
himself. It was one of the few normal things he actually made the effort to
drink.
"So how long do you…" His voice
trailed off. Cordelia looked up at him expectantly.
"Do what?" She asked. He looked
down at Evelyn, then back up at Cordelia again.
"Um, er, bre…bre…"
"Breastfeed?" She asked. Angel
looked away.
"Yeah."
She shrugged. "Until I stop, I
guess. I mean, some people do it longer than others. I suppose I'll stop soon.
Definitely before she starts to cut teeth…" Angel gave her a painful glance.
"Yeah," She said. "No kidding."
"What do you feed her then?" He
asked curiously. "Milk?"
"Formula," She answered, taking
another sip of juice. "Milk gives babies diarrhea."
Angel grimaced. "Oh."
"Soon she can start eating baby
food. Creamed carrots, whipped peas, mush…that sort of thing, all very
appetizing."
"Sounds like it." Angel cringed.
Cordelia leaned down and after mumbling some baby talk, kissed Evelyn's
forehead. The baby stared up at her intensely
"How does John feel about you
coming back now?" Angel asked. Cordelia paused hesitantly, and it was enough
for Angel to notice. "Does he know you're coming back?" He asked suspiciously.
"Oh yeah!" Cordelia lied, turning
her back to him and digging through the diaper bag for one of Evelyn's toys.
"He's happy for me…he is. He thinks its about time too…I guess he's tired of me
sitting around on my butt all day…" Cordelia withdrew a set of pastel colored
plastic keys and gave them to Evelyn to chew on.
"He didn't seem that excited about
it." Angel said.
Cordelia thought back to last
week's conversation. John had come dangerously close to saying something
offensive about Angel in front of Angel when Cordelia had invited all the guys
over to dinner. He hadn't though…and so far, their argument had been kept a
secret between them. Of course Angel had picked up on the hostility…Cordelia
knew that. But he smiled and hadn't said anything, and she guessed he hadn't
figured out what had actually been going on. He probably just figured John and
Cordy were having a little spat. That was good. Just let him keep thinking
that…
"It's not that," She said, slowly
at first. "We…we just haven't been getting along the last week or so. Problems
at work I guess…not a lot of sleep, that kinda thing."
"Oh." Angel said simply. "I'm
sorry."
"Don't be. It happens." She
glanced over at him but couldn't read what he was thinking. He caught her
staring at him, and she looked away. "So, um, what can I do to help out?"
"Huh?"
"Here…" She said gesturing around
her. "What can I do to help out? What case are you guys working on?"
"Oh," Angel cleared his throat and
set his coffee cup down. He walked around the counter towards the table,
littered with books and research material and sighed. "Um, we really aren't
working on anything. What we need is this mess organized…"
"I can do that!" She said
excitedly, coming around the counter and starting to finger the bindings.
"It's a big mess," Angel said
again.
"Yeah, looks like it." Cordelia
smiled as she looked at one book and then another. The subjects were sporadic
and didn't have anything to do with eachother. It was obvious the books hadn't
all been involved in any one assignment…it looked more like the guys had just
been leaving everything out, case after case. She guessed that's what they'd
been doing; leaving everything out. She was surprised Wesley would let it get
this messy. Usually, he was so stringent with his materials… "You guys haven't
been cleaning up, have you?" She asked.
Angel looked down shyly. "No…we
haven't."
"I thought so…don't worry I'll get
it straightened up." She started closing books and pushing them into different
piles. Angel watched her, a hint of a smile meeting his lips. Feeling him watching
her, she looked up.
"We've really missed you, Cordy.
Really."
"I've missed you guys too." She
smiled. Angel nodded and started to back away.
"I'm gonna go change."
"Sure."
He left, and Cordelia returned to
the pile of books, of which it took her nearly three hours to categorize and
shelve that day.
b ____________________________________________ a
That afternoon they were all
having a good laugh over Wesley trying to change the baby's diaper.
"Oh, man!" Gun laughed out right
at him. "Dude! You don't fit the diaper on that way!"
"Then how do you bloody do it?"
Wesley asked, starting to get flustered. Evelyn gurgled. Cordelia was having
the time of her life, laughing at Wesley's ignorance from the sidelines. Angel
sat grinning, arms folded across his chest, but quiet. He didn't dare laugh. He
wouldn't know what he was doing either.
"Brother, step aside!" Gunn said,
pushing Wesley out of the way.
"Gladly," Wesley mumbled,
relinquishing the honor to Gunn. He folded his arms and stood apart, as Gunn
took up the baby powder and rolling up his sleeves, went in like a pro.
Cordelia watched in utter amusement. After a few moments of fierce
concentration, Gunn held up the child triumphantly.
"Ah ha! See?"
And then, the diaper fell off.
"Damn!" Gunn cursed. Evelyn stared
in confusion at the faces staring back at her; her naked butt displayed to the
room. Cordelia fell over on the couch, laughing so hard her ribs hurt, and
Wesley came up to Gunn, shaking his head in contempt. Angel chuckled to
himself, and looked away.
"Good job, Nanny Gunn." Wesley
spat, picking up the mangled diaper and depositing it in the trash. Gunn
carefully laid Evelyn back over the baby blanket on the counter and stood back,
arms crossed.
"I don't know what to do." He
admitted. "This is harder than it looks!"
"You think Cordelia has it easy?"
Wesley snapped. He looked back at the flushed brunette. "How do you do this day
in and day out?"
"It just comes to you eventually."
She smiled, bearing one of her brilliant Cordelia Chase grins. Angel felt his
chest well as he stared at her. "I think Angel should try." She added suddenly.
Any color drained from his face.
"Me???"
"Yeah, why not!"
"Why not, Big Guy?" Gunn smirked.
"Give it a try!" Wesley said. "You
certainly couldn't do any worse than Gunn did…"
"Hey! At least I got the thing
on,"
"But it fell right off." Wesley
snickered. "It doesn't work unless it stays on."
"Very funny, English. Very funny…"
"Yes," Wesley said, adjusting his
glasses. "I thought so."
"Come on, Angel, its not hard!"
Cordelia jumped up from the couch and took him by the arm. She dragged him over
to the half naked baby and pushed him before her. "Go on! It's easy!"
"What do I do first???" He asked.
"Powder," Wesley suggested.
"Oh, I think she's had enough
powder!" Gunn quipped, giving Wesley a sad look. Wesley blushed.
"Well, how was I to know the lid
was loose."
"You nearly dumped the whole
bottle on her!"
"I dusted her off!"
"Guys," Angel said painfully. They
both quieted.
"Try putting the diaper on her
now." Cordelia suggested. He looked at her helplessly but she offered no
further assistance. Instead, she watched him acutely, big hazel eyes shining in
interest at how he would handle the task. Angel gulped, and picked up a fresh
diaper. He looked down to Evelyn, almost for permission, and she opened her
mouth and squinted her eyes at him. He guessed that was her way of telling him
she would cooperate, and so Angel started the unfamiliar process.
Within a few minutes, the diaper
was on, and successfully, and Angel stepped back to let Cordelia insect his
work.
"Not bad," She said, lifting the
princess from the counter and cradling her against her chest. "Not bad at all…"
And then she beamed. "Go Angel!"
He grinned.
"Go Angel! Go Angel!" Gunn and
Wesley started up.
"It worked?" He asked, a tad
surprised.
"It worked," Cordelia confirmed,
rubbing her baby's back. While Angel smiled shyly, and Wes and Gunn kept up
their cheers, Cordelia felt Evelyn clamp on to her breast; a sure sign she was
hungry. Without much regard to the others she slipped down into the comfortable
sofa and quickly unbuttoning her blouse and lowering her feeding bra, brought
Evelyn's mouth up to feed. The room suddenly went quiet.
The guys looked shocked. Cordelia
glanced up at them dumbly.
"What?" She asked.
"Oh…um…er…uh…" Wesley couldn't
speak and looked away. Angel didn't even bother to try to explain the
awkwardness and Gunn just shook his head.
"She's gotta eat, ya know." Cordy
said dryly.
"Of…of course." Wesley said,
shakily. He adjusted his glasses and looked about the room. "I, uh, I need to
get something off the Internet." He quickly walked away and hunkered down
behind the computer. Cordelia raised a brow at him.
"Since when do you know how to use
the Internet?"
"I need to sharpen my axe," Gunn
said, quickly starting towards the basement.
"Gunn!"
"I...uh…I…." Cordelia glared up at
Angel. He shrugged uncomfortably and finally admitted, "It's weird, is all."
"Oh." Cordelia looked down,
contemplating Evelyn, suckling contently. Then she looked back up at him. "Not
to me, it isn't."
"Of course not." He said
egregiously, and then smiled. This brought a small smile to Cordelia's lips.
Angel backed away though. "I think…I think I'm gonna go help, Gunn, okay?"
"Fine," She sighed, but not really
in the least offended.
"Thanks." Angel mumbled, and quickly left.
From behind the computer, Wesley peeked out. Meeting Cordelia's eyes, he ducked back for cover. Cordelia giggled and gave up. Some things men just weren't able to handle.
b ____________________________________________ a