"Maybe This Time"
By Adrienne
Author's Note: Sort of a companion story to "Uncertainty"; it's told from Luka's point of view.
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters.
Spoilers: Through "Survival of the Fittest"
It's 3:00 am, and yet again I find that I cannot sleep. There are so many thoughts running through my head that it's impossible to relax. I look over at Abby. She's lying on her side, facing me, fast asleep. Her face is troubled, in the middle of a bad dream. I want to wake her up and hold her, but she needs her sleep. I wonder what she's dreaming about, if she's dreaming about me.
I look out the window and it's snowing outside, though it's already April. I remember last year it snowed in April too. I was barbecuing with Carol and now here I am beside Abby. I've come a long way in a year.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Carol hadn't gone to Seattle. I don't think I was in love with her, but I was getting there. She reminded me so much of Danijela, not just in the way she looked, but in her gentle voice and sad smile. And then there were Kate and Tess, two children without a father. I thought that perhaps I could have a family again, but it wasn't meant to be. Carol was in love with another man, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where she truly loved someone else. She broke my heart at first, but time heals wounds, and now I really am happy for her, because I have moved on too.
I never expected to become involved with Abby. First of all, she was a med student, and therefore off-limits. I also thought she was married, and that sealed it. That night that she kissed me in the ambulance bay, I was taken by surprise. I had always thought she was beautiful and kind, but certainly not interested in me. The kiss was sweet and innocent, and for the first time in a long time I felt that feeling go through my body, the blood rush and tingle in my stomach. If she hadn't been called off to care for a patient, I think I would've kissed her again.
And then came the first date. She was radiant, funny, charming, thoroughly intoxicating. I was looking forward to seeing her again. Strange how fate can turn the tables on you when you least expect it. When I killed that man, I lost control, I wasn't thinking. Then I realized I had become as heartless as the people who destroyed my country and murdered my family. If Abby hadn't been there I'm not sure I would be here today. She forced me to accept help, but in all of my self-pity and gloom, I was blind to the fact that she needed someone as much as I did.
She had never talked about her mother before, and when Maggie showed up, I knew why. I hated to see how Maggie hurt her, but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even help myself, so how could I possibly support another person? Some nights I thought I heard her crying, but was so selfish that I never bothered to inquire or comfort her. I still don't understand why Abby stayed with me, especially after the way I treated her for so long.
Looking at her now, I realize how lucky I am. I have had so much love in my life. Danijela, Marko, Jasna, and now Abby. I want to tell her how I feel, but I know she wants to take this slow. She was so hurt by her ex-husband. We both have baggage and pasts filled with dark memories and I want it to work out this time. Love isn't easy, and although we've already been through so much, I know there will be more to come. When Maggie comes back next time, I have promised myself that I will be there for Abby, I will be the one who comforts her and tells her that everything will be all right. Because maybe this time everything will be all right.
I lean over and kiss Abby's forehead, and whisper, for the first time out loud, "I love you." She stirs slightly, and I gather her in my arms, taking in her sweet scent and savoring every moment that we're lying here together.