TITLE
TITLE:
Fade To Blue - Part II
AUTHOR:
Abilene Keegan
EMAIL:
Abilene_Keegan@hotmail.com
RATING:
PG
SYNOPSIS:
Luka and Abby continue to discuss their
relationship. Luka/Abby.
SPOILERS:
The Visit.
DISCLAIMER:
The following is a story of fiction based
on
characters created and owned by Michael Crichton
and
NBC.
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P
A R T I I
----------------------------------------
Almost
all happy endings have a way of coming true
But
once the feelings start to fade to blue
Let
the curtain fall
And
fade to blue
-Unknown, Fade To Blue
----------------------------------------
The darkness was a comfort to Abby. It had always been. Ever since
she was a little girl she had taken solace from it. It was like a living,
breathing thing to her. Something that would protect her when she needed
protecting. When she needed a break from the world it would be there to
hide her in it's shadow. It was her best friend, it was her guardian, her
comforter, it would always be there even after everybody else had left.
Tonight Abby had once again found herself retreating to her friend darkness for console.
She had found him on top of the hospital roof about thirty minutes ago.
Two weeks. It had been two weeks since that most intense confrontation
she'd had with Luka. He had barley spoken to her since. In fact,
aside from the occasional patient together, he hadn't spoken to her at
all. She wasn't angry at him for it. She was actually grateful.
He was giving her time to think and consider all her options before she made a decision
as to how she truly felt about him... and Carter.
She realized that she was standing on a border between Luka and Carter.
Both of them had something she needed. And she didn't know what it
was. So she just continued to stand there waiting for somebody to tell her
what she needed. Nobody had told her and now she had to find out for
herself before she lost them both.
With Carter she found consolation in emotions. It was so easy to talk with
him. He seemed to know all her emotions. He knew when something was
bothering her and never failed to mention it. He always knew what to say
to her to make her feel better and he always knew when to shut up and not say a
word. He was always there if she needed to talk.
Luka was more a physical consolation. This was through love making but
mostly it was the way he held her in his arms every night. She felt safe
with him. More safe then she'd ever felt with anybody. She knew that
he would always protect her, he had proven that much to her on their first
date. Yet he lacked emotion. That's not to say that he wasn't
emotional around her or felt nothing for her, cause she knew he was and did, she just
couldn't talk to him. She knew why. She had always known why.
The reason she couldn't talk to him had started with something he'd done.
----------------------------------------
Abby reached up and slowly knocked on the door. She remembered other nights she'd done this. Gone to the hotel Luka was staying at to
see him. Back then there'd been hope. So much future to look forward to.
Now there was little hope and probably no future with him. Now there was
only the distinct feeling that she was doing this for the last time.
The door before her slowly opened to reveal Luka standing behind it. She
noticed he appeared only semi surprised to see her. Probably wondering
what had taken her so long. Luka didn't say anything, just stepped out of
the way to let her in. Abby walked into the small room. Standing
beside the bed, because there was no place else to stand, she waited for Luka to
shut the door and join her.
The mere presence of the bed made things feel a little awkward and Abby knew
this was probably the worst place for them to talk. Too many things could
happen in a nice, privet hotel room. Mentally shaking her head she got rid
of such thoughts. They were both adults not hormone enraged teenagers,
they could handle this. Luka stepped in front of her and she had to
swallow hard. She hoped.
She had missed him. A lot. And to suddenly have him standing here in
front of her brought back many feelings and emotions of past times. Times
they'd spent together. Times they'd talked about nothing and everything
after making love. But the talks were never about anything serious, just
the little things that didn't really matter. Still, she had cherished
those talks. She had been happy just to be able to tell him anything, no
matter how unimportant it might have been. But even then she'd known it
wouldn't last. It couldn't last. It was the important things in life
that would always catch up with you. And to ignore them the way they did
was like playing with an explosive. At some point it would have to go off.
"Abby." Luka began and Abby realized how uncomfortable the
silence must have been. Especially for him. He had no idea why she
was there. He didn't know if she'd come to break up with him, to try and
fix things, or to simply talk. Truth was Abby didn't really know
either. She looked up and into his eyes. He didn't say anything more
and she knew why. This was her turn. Her turn to talk to him and say
what was going on inside her. So she decided to go strait to the
origin. It would be better that way for them both.
"I tried to talk to you." Abby's voice was soft and quite.
Just enough for him to hear her. "That night when Maggie had first
come into the ER." She looked down at her hands and swallowed.
Then looked back up at him. "I'd asked if you had a few minutes to
talk. You said you did." The memory was still painful for Abby
and she found that surprising. She hadn't expected it to be after all this
time. "Then a nurse had come over with information on one of your
patients. You looked at the information and then you walked away.
You didn't say anything. You just left." A tear slipped down
Abby's cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"Abby-" She wouldn't let him finish. She wasn't finished.
"It hurt me Luka. It really did. I had needed someone to talk
to and I'd gone to you." A few more tears fell. She hated
this. She didn't want to feel this way about something that had happened
so long ago. Then again it really hadn't been that long ago. And the
wound was still fresh. "And you acknowledged me by simply walking
away from me. I would've understood. I mean you had a patient to see
but you didn't say anything Luka. You just left me standing there without
a word. And you never mentioned it again. Never said anything later
that day or any other day about the fact that I had needed to talk to you about
something but hadn't gotten the chance yet. Then it came to me. You
didn't care. You didn't want to hear about my problems."
"Abby that's not true."
"Carter had been there though." Luka quickly stopped any attempt
to continue talking. And Abby realized that Luka hadn't know she'd talked
to Carter that day. "He'd asked if I wanted to grab some coffee with
him. At first I was a little humiliated. I knew that he'd heard our
conversation and that he'd watched you just walk away from me. You who was
supposed to be my boyfriend." She looked down at her hands
again. Her tears were gone. She just felt numb now. She knew
now where this was going. Looking back up into Luka's eyes she also knew
that he knew.
"He never mentioned it though. Never said anything about it.
Didn't try and make me feel belittled by it... even though I did. He just
listened as I talked to him about other problems. About my mother.
My childhood. He listened and he made me feel like he truly
cared." Looking directly into Luka's eyes she spoke the next
words. "And I know he did."
She watched Luka take a step back and close his eyes in thought. He was
scared and she knew it. She knew he didn't want to lose her, that he loved
her. But in this case lover certainly wasn't enough. Especially
since she wasn't sure if she felt the same way for him.
"I'm sorry Abby. I'm sorry I did that. I am sorry I acted that
way. It... must have been very hurtful, I know. But, god Abby, is
that where this all started? I make one mistake like that and there's no
longer any real chance for us. No chance at an emotional bond being
made."
"Earlier that same day I'd heard through the grape vine that you'd seemed
kind of off lately. So I'd asked you if you wanted to have lunch
later. I figured maybe we could talk about things. It was so clear
you didn't want to have lunch with me. I mean sure, you half agreed but only
because you felt you had to, not because you wanted to." Abby
shrugged her shoulders and began walking over to a window in the room.
"You didn't even want to have lunch with me Luka. I have little doubt
of why. You didn't want to talk to me. You didn't want to sure your
problems with me." Abby leaned up against the wall and looked out the
window.
"I didn't know that's why you wanted to have lunch." Abby rolled
her eyes. She couldn't help it. This was all becoming so ridicules
as she realized how messed up their relationship really was. Was there
even anything that was worth saving?
"It didn't matter Luka. You knew that you were feeling emotionally
down and that was something you wouldn't be able to hide from me. So the
easiest course of action was to avoid me." Abby watched two people
walking hand in hand on the street. "That's what we've been doing
ever since. Avoiding each other wherever emotions are involved."
"That's not true Abby. I've tried rather desperately to get you to
open up to me."
"But that's not the problem Luka." She saw his questioning gaze
and quickly filled in the rest. "You won't come to me when you need
someone to talk to. I may try to get you to but you won't. The same
goes for me. I won't go to you no matter how hard you try. Now I
don't know why you avoid talking to me about your problems but..."
She trailed off and looked back out the window. The couple was gone.
"But you know why you won't talk to me." She felt him step
closer to her. "Why Abby? Why won't you talk to me but you'll
talk to Carter?"
"Because you weren't there that day Luka, he was. Once I knew I could talk to
Carter I just kept going to him. As for you, I quickly came to the conclusion
that you had a lot of your own problems to figure out. A lot of demons
from your past to try and get over. I didn't want to bother you with my
troubles too."
"But Abby that doesn't make sense. I mean you can talk to Carter
regardless of the drug addiction he's trying to get over, but you can't come to
me because I have problems. He has problems too Abby." The
desperation in his voice hurt Abby because she didn't want to hurt him.
But she was and she knew he'd only feel more pain with time. To make
things worse he was now standing immediately beside her and she could feel the
heat emanating from his body. The emotions started to rise again as she
felt the urge to lean against him but had to resist. Once more she was on
the verge of tears.
"But you mean more to me then Carter. And I didn't want to hurt
you. I was being selfish with Carter and filling him with my
problems. But I couldn't, I can't, do that to you." She turned
around and faced him as tears silently fell down her cheeks. She made no
attempt this time to stop them. "You seemed so hurt. Like you
had this big secret you were trying desperately to keep from the world and
yourself. I didn't want to make it worse. And since you wouldn't
talk to me I did the only thing I could to help you. I didn't bother you
with all my problems. With my messed up life."
He reached out a hand and gently wiped away some of her tears. "It's
not messed up Abby. And I want to be a part of that life. I want to
be the one you come to. I want to be the one to help you through your
problems. I want to make you happy again. When the darkness comes I
want to lead you to a light. I love you Abby." She closed her
eyes tightly and ever so slowly wrapped her arms around him. She felt as
he too embraced her. But it would be a short embrace.
"I can't." She whispered as she slowly pulled away from
him. "We can't"
"Abby." The pain in his voice was mirrored by that in his
eyes. And she knew that he was well aware of what was about to happen.
"It just won't work Luka. It hasn't been working and it won't
work. We can't do this anymore. We can't pretend anymore. We
can't pretend that everything is going to be okay, that everything's going to
work out great in the end. When nothing good can possibly come out of
this. We tried, we did our best, but we failed. And that
happens. And when that happens you just got to say goodbye."
His eyes closed against her words but Abby knew he'd never forget them.
"But I will not once regret this. I'll always remember what we
had. Maybe someday I'll even think of what we could have had, but just
made to many mistakes to obtain. It just isn't supposed to be."
Abby began walking towards the door but Luka reached out and gently turned her
back towards him. His kiss was deep and very passionate. In it she
felt every emotion he'd ever tried, or hadn't had the chance, to tell to
her. At that moment she knew for certain that Luka Kovac had, somehow,
managed to fall in love with her. But her mind hadn't changed and when she
finally managed to pull away from him she looked up into his desperate and
pained eyes and whispered one word before turning and leaving.
"Goodbye."
----------------------------------------
Fade
to blue
We
didn't make it through
Let
the hurt unfold
And
fade to blue
- Unknown, Fade To Blue
----------------------------------------
