Easy
Money
~Iphi~
Halfway between
Michaelmas and the Christmas Holidays, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were
celebrating one of their rare and precious Hogsmeade visits with butterbeers in
The Three Broomsticks when they had an unexpected visitor.
"Hey, Harry," Ron
said, looking up. "Isn't that Ludo Bagman walking towards us?"
Harry turned and
saw the slightly pudgy beater in his yellow robes striding towards them, a huge
goofy smile on his face. "Oh, no," he muttered. "Hide, quick!"
"Too late," moaned
Hermione, as Ludo gave them a huge wave and a thumbs-up. "He's seen us, and
he's coming right for us."
"Harry!" Ludo said
enthusiastically, slapping him on the back. Harry choked on his butterbeer, and
glared at him, coughing.
"Mr. Bagman," he
said menacingly, after he had caught his breath. "I thought that you were in
hiding."
"In hiding?" Ludo
said innocently, his eyes as wide as a child. "Why would I be in hiding?"
"From the goblins,"
Hermione said impatiently.
"Oh, that,"
Bagman said knowingly. "Ah, yes. No, I've worked that whole situation out."
"And what about
your…your gambling problem?" Ron asked, vividly remembering Fred and George's
frustration.
"A problem? Who
said it was a problem?" Ludo asked.
"Well—" Harry
began, but was soon cut off.
"My friends, I have
something to tell you that you certainly need to hear," Ludo said.
And with a flick of
his wand, music seemed to flow from the very walls. It was an upbeat tempo with
a saxophone taking center stage in the melody. He waved his wand again and all
the lights were dimmed, save a spotlight on himself. Behind him were suddenly
three women in sequined dresses swaying to the beat.
"Hey, isn't that…?"
Ron sputtered.
"It's McGonagall
and Rita Skeeter," Hermione said, her eyes wide, almost choking with surprise.
"And Rosmerta,"
Harry added. They motioned towards each other, whispering back and forth about
the strange set of circumstances.
But they were
silenced when Ludo Bagman began to sing.
"You don't have to talk all night
I'm a man who can't say no
You don't have to twist my arm
Just point me where you want to go
Take me to the action
Take me to the track
Take me to a party if they're bettin' in the back."
"Well, we knew that," Ron said in an obvious tone of voice. "My dad told me about this incident a few
years back when…"
"I want to hear him!" Hermione said, shushing him.
"Why?" Harry asked.
Meanwhile, Ludo continued.
"I've been working all my life
Can't afford to wait
Let me call my wife so I can tell her I'll be late."
"I would have thought his wife had left him by now," Hermione said practically.
"What with the debts and all."
Ludo didn't hear her, and was still singing.
"I want the easy
Easy money
Easy money
I could get lucky
Oh, things could go right…"
The background singers then sang, "Whoa oh oh oh."
"I wonder how long Professor McGonagall has been singing backup?"
Ron wanted to know. Nobody answered him.
"I want the easy
Easy money
Easy money
Maybe this one time
Maybe tonight."
"Really," Harry said in a clinical tone of voice. "That's what all gamblers tell
themselves. It's a delusion that they just keep believing because they…"
Ludo cut him off:
"You don't have to try too hard
I don't need a song and dance…"
"Then why are you subjecting us to one?" Ron asked rhetorically.
"I don't need an invitation
If you've got a game of chance
Take me to the tables
Take me to the fights
Run me like the numbers
Roll me like the dice
When you're counting on a killing
Always count me in
Talk me into losin' just as long as I can win."
"And that," Hermione stated triumphantly, "is how casinos lure in all their
customers. Sometimes I just hate capitalism!" Everyone stared blankly at her.
"But Hermione," Harry said, "England is a socialist state."
Right in front of them, Ludo was still singing:
"I want the easy
Easy money
Easy money
I want the good times
Oh, I never had
McGonagall, Rita Skeeter, and Rosmerta then added their "Whoa oh oh oh."
"Does this strike anyone else as weird?" Ron asked.
"I want the easy
Easy money
I want the good life
I want it bad.
Easy money
You say I fool myself
But better me than being a fool for someone else."
"That's a really bad excuse," Harry pointed out.
"I got a hot slot machine of a system
Ready to go
Easy money
I got a one-track mind
And a good reputation laying on the line
I'll either come back a bum or a king
Baby I don't know."
"We know!" Ron yelled out. "And it's the bum one. In fact, you're already a bum."
"Ron," Hermione chided. "He'll hear you."
"And your point is?"
"You don't have to start a fight
I'm a man who can't say no
If you've got a little risky business
Just point me where you want to go."
"I think the door is that way," Harry said, pointing.
"Take me to the power
Take me to the heat
Take me to the cleaners
If it's open to the street
Something's got to pay off
Something's got to break
Someone's got a fortune that they're begging
Me to take."
"No, they don't," Hermione said in the tone of a mother to a small child. "No, they don't."
"I want the easy
Easy money
Easy money
I could get lucky
Things could go right."
"Whoa oh oh oh."
"Does anyone else find this a little demeaning?" Hermione asked, gesturing towards the background singers.
"I want the easy
Easy money
Easy money
Maybe just this time
Oh maybe tonight
Easy money
Oh I don't want no hard cash
I just want the easy money
I could get lucky…"
Just as suddenly as it had begun, the music ended. The backup singers dissipated
to their own corners of the room, their dresses gone, and Ludo Bagman looked
at the three fifth-years with expectation.
"Do you understand now?" he asked them.
"Yeah, we understand," Ron murmured. "We understand you're a loony." Hermione
nudged him and he begrudgingly nodded his head towards Bagman.
"Good. Well, I'm off to the races!" Ludo said, slapping Harry on the shoulder again.
Harry winced. "Wish me luck."
"Sure thing," the three said without much conviction, and then went back to drinking
their butterbeers.
"Why is it that strange things always seem to happen to me?" Harry asked, and nobody
answered. Nobody could.
