Title: Dear Diary, Part 1/?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)
Rating: PG-13 (for now anyway)
Category: Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now...
Thanks: As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)
Wednesday, July 5, 2000
Well, I'm here. Rawley Academy for Boys. Now the question is, how long will I be here? I'm dying to see how long it takes her to notice that my letters are coming from a boy's school. Actually, I'm curious to see if she even reads the letters I send. Anyway, I'm here. Now what do I do? I have to unpack, but that won't take long, I didn't bring much with me. I'm hoping I won't be here for more than a couple weeks. I can't imagine what her reaction to all this is going to be, but at least it will be a reaction - good or bad -it's a reaction. Well, this is it for now, I'm going to get settled and go look around. At least the campus is beautiful. There are so many trees I'll bet fall is amazing around here. Too bad I'm not going to be here to see it.
Almost forgot, get this - a little while ago, I heard all this shouting. I look out the window and what do I see? Not Santa and eight tiny reindeer, but dozens of kids running across the lawn in their underwear! Guys and girls, practically streaking across the school lawn. Actually, one guy was streaking; he wasn't wearing anything at all! Anyway, they're all running across campus in their underwear. Every school has their strange traditions, but this one moves to the top of the list!
Thursday, July 6, 2000
I was right; the campus is really beautiful. Orientation was as boring as every other school. One interesting thing though, during the staff speeches, the coach of the crew team announced that there were spots open on the JV team for summer session. (That's not the interesting part though). Afterwards, several guys were standing around talking about joining. I would have totally ignored them, except for this one guy. WOW. He was so beautiful! As I walked past, he happened to turn around and look my way. WOW. I have never seen such beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't help but stare. I left there breathless and depressed. Breathless because he's so incredible looking, depressed because I can't get to know him. I'm not planning on making friends here! I'm praying I won't be here long enough to make friends. If I get close to anyone it will only complicate matters. I'm pretending here after all! I was surprised there wasn't school stationary in with all the junk they give out at orientation. Every other school has done that, figures that because I'm looking for something, it's not there. I'll have to go hunting for some tomorrow and classes start Monday. I wonder what people do for fun around here?
Saturday, July 8, 2000
This place is really quiet! Too quiet. I ended up taking my bike out for a very long ride just to have something to do. I saw that gorgeous guy from orientation this morning at breakfast. He looked like he was going to come and sit down by me, but I grabbed my tray and left before he could. I thought about him for most of my ride. I didn't want to, but I couldn't chase him out of my thoughts.
Sunday, July 9, 2000
For lack of anything better to do, I called home. Consuela was there as usual. She said she misses me and I miss her. I really miss her cooking! Mom was out and about, of course. It occurred to me that I have been here for 5 days now and she hasn't called to see if I got here okay. I mean, I could be dead in a roadside ditch and she'd never know it.
I spent most of the day in my room. The desk is right under the window and gives me a great view of the lawns. Guys were everywhere and every one of them was playing some kind of sport! From hackeysack to football. The testosterone levels around here are off the charts. I realize it's an all boys school, but god! Now I know where all the stereotypes come from.
Monday, July 10, 2000
Classes are the same thing/different school, with one exception. The crew coach - well he's also my English Lit teacher. And Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes - he's in the class with me. I spent the entire class trying to not to look at him. I have never seen a guy that beautiful. Sounds stupid to call a guy "beautiful" but it works for him. His eyes are amazing, so incredibly blue and intense. And his lips...oooh, they look so soft and kissable. I'm almost sorry I'll be leaving soon. I'd love to get to know him. Of course, even if I were staying, I'd be getting to know him as a guy and not as myself. Not exactly what I'd want.....
I have to find school stationary, so I can write Mom.
Tuesday, July 11, 2000
Finn, the English teacher/crew coach made another pitch today in class for the JV crew team. After class, he specifically asked if I was interested in being the coxswain since I'm small. Yikes! I didn't know what to say! He caught me totally off guard and before I realized what I was doing - I agreed. What an idiot! It's just going to complicate things when I leave. I have to hurry up and get that stationary and get things moving along before I make another boneheaded mistake. The school office said they were waiting for the new stationary to come in - great. I don't care if it's new or old, I just want it to say Rawley Academy for Boys!!!!
Wednesday, July 12, 2000
OMG! I went to the first practice for crew and guess who walked right up to me! Yep, Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes himself. And get this, he knows about my motorcycle! I have no idea how he knows, but he knows. I was annoyed at first because he tried to bargain his silence with rides, but then he tells me he can keep a secret. Oh boy, you have no idea honey!! This crew team thing is going to be really difficult, too. He sits in the first seat of the boat, directly across from me. Any idea how hard it is to concentrate with those eyes and lips right in front of you? Close enough to touch! Wait, it gets better...when Finn stopped practice for a break, he took his shirt off.....AAAHHHHH! He's got an incredible body to match that incredible face. Beautiful, sculpted, delicious muscles everywhere! The guy must live in the gym. I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep a neutral expression on my face when that shirt came off. I think it's still bleeding.... Oh and the best part, after practice we walked back to the dorms together. Get this - he's the dean's son! His name is Hamilton. I feel for him, that's worse than Jacqueline. But jeez, the dean's son? How do I get myself into these things?
Mom better figure this out quick. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next week!
Thursday, July 13, 2000
This is impossible!!! Hamilton stopped by my room today. He asked me about the bike again. He told me he'd help me find a better place to hide it. I'm not sure why, but I told him about all my transfers and how I make them happen. I don't know what I was thinking. I swore I wasn't going to make friends here. But for some reason, I felt like I could tell him. We talked for quite awhile, messed with my computer and decided to grab something to eat together.
A strange thing happened as we left the dorms though, he took the cap I was wearing and tried it on. I was nervous because the cap helps hide my face, but that wasn't the weird part. When he gave it back to me, he said it smelled good! It immediately made him uncomfortable when he realized what he said, and I tried to blow it off. But it was nerve racking, I don't need him finding out who I am. The plan was the Mom would figure it out, not the dean's kid.
I'm getting angry, still no stationary! I called home again, but as usual spoke to voice mail.
Saturday, July 15, 2000
Even though it's Saturday, Hamilton came by and we hung around the dorms. I was surprised, I would have thought he'd want to be at home on the weekend. Right? I mean why be in a dorm, when you can be in your own house? We also moved my bike today. "The perfect hiding spot" he told me. He swears no one will find it. We'll see.... We've been hanging out a lot. I gather that being the dean's son has a way of alienating you from the rest of the students. He tries to act macho, but I don't buy it. There is a lot more to him than he shows. It's really hard to stay "Jake" around him, though. I get comfortable talking to him and almost forget that I'm supposed to be a guy. And it's impossible not to think about how he looks!
Sunday, July 16, 2000
I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!! I KISSED HIM!!
I was trying to show Hamilton some games on the computer today, but the connection was slow and it wasn't working. I commented that we needed a satellite hook up to make them run properly. He asked if we could use the satellite dish on the roof. Sounded like a good plan, right? I mean, I've "borrowed" plenty of systems before without getting caught. So off to the roof we go....
On the way, we pass a bunch of guys in the common room talking about girls and relationships. Hamilton apparently feels he's an expert on the subject because he starts telling me (this is funny) what girls "really" mean when they talk to guys. Cute, huh? He also informs me that regardless of what a guy says, he really means he wants to have sex. All in all, an interesting (and enlightening) conversation, until....
He opens his fly and takes a leak right there!!!! My first thought - 'didn't your mother teach you any manners?' My second thought - OH MY GOD!
So here I am, trying not to stare (I wasn't very successful) and he's still talking about sex with little Hamilton hanging right out there in the open. GOD HELP ME! I have always felt I was in control of my urges, but the combination of the view and the conversation was pushing my buttons just right.
Before I know it, we're sitting on the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes. For a split second, his eyes turned serious and I felt drawn to his lips. It was like being pulled in by a tractor beam!! I couldn't help it. I had this strange, primal need to kiss those lips. It was only a matter of seconds before I remembered I was supposed to be a guy. I pulled away, apologized and got the hell out of there, fast!
I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm damn lucky he didn't beat the hell out of me for doing that. This was not a part of the plan!! This wasn't supposed to happen.
The worst part of it all - for a spit second - he kissed me back.
Tuesday, July 18, 2000
I haven't had a coherent thought in days. I keep replaying that kiss in my mind...over and over. I can't help it. It felt so incredibly good, even if it was only a few seconds. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do. I've been calling Mom for days and she hasn't called me back yet.
The smart thing to do here would be to declare this idea a failure and run like hell. But I guess I've never been one to do the 'smart' thing. I wouldn't be in this situation if I were....
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
Hamilton is still avoiding me. The only time I've seen him is class and practice and he hasn't spoken to me at all. It stings, but maybe it's for the best. I won't be here long.
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Hamilton came by today. He barged into my room, talking very fast, like he was afraid if he didn't blurt everything out right away, he would never say what he came to say.
We agreed to forget about the kiss, but when we shook hands and looked at each other, I felt that tractor beam again. No, I didn't kiss him again, but god, I wanted to...
One thing is obvious, though, he doesn't realize that I'm a girl. And I don't know if I should tell him. There are so many unanswered questions here. What happens in the next few weeks when Mom realizes I'm at an all boys school and yanks me out of here? Do I tell Hamilton the truth then? Do I tell him now? Do I tell him at all? Is he going to hate me forever if I tell him? I don't think I could handle him rejecting me. He's the first person I've felt comfortable with in ages. And what happens when I leave, will he keep in touch? Will I get to see him again? Will I be Jake or Jacqueline? My head is starting to hurt. I'm going to sleep.
Friday, July 21, 2000
Hamilton was speaking to me today, but it was obvious he was uncomfortable around me. I guess being on the team together has its advantages (besides the view). It forces us to spend time together. I think if it weren't for that, he would have stopped speaking to me all together after I kissed him. But forced closeness has a way of making you work through things.
I tried to call Mom again. She's flown to LA for the weekend. How nice....
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
The school finally has stationary. Mom still hasn't returned any of my calls. Consuela keeps making excuses for her, but I see right through them. I wrote her a quick note on the stationary and was leaving to mail it when Hamilton appeared at my door. Like an idiot I was checking to make sure the corset was properly doing it's job when he showed up! Not what I wanted him to see. He came to let me know that if I'm gay, then fine, but he is NOT gay. Funny thing was, he didn't sound like he believed his own words. I covered and didn't bother to correct him. I just wanted to get out of there and get the letter in the mail. The sooner she reads it, the sooner I'll be out of here (I hope).
I kinda blew him off and I swear he almost looked disappointed. I haven't managed to answer any of my own questions, yet. How could I possibly answer any he might ask? This is fast becoming an impossible situation.
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)
Rating: PG-13 (for now anyway)
Category: Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now...
Thanks: As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)
Wednesday, July 5, 2000
Well, I'm here. Rawley Academy for Boys. Now the question is, how long will I be here? I'm dying to see how long it takes her to notice that my letters are coming from a boy's school. Actually, I'm curious to see if she even reads the letters I send. Anyway, I'm here. Now what do I do? I have to unpack, but that won't take long, I didn't bring much with me. I'm hoping I won't be here for more than a couple weeks. I can't imagine what her reaction to all this is going to be, but at least it will be a reaction - good or bad -it's a reaction. Well, this is it for now, I'm going to get settled and go look around. At least the campus is beautiful. There are so many trees I'll bet fall is amazing around here. Too bad I'm not going to be here to see it.
Almost forgot, get this - a little while ago, I heard all this shouting. I look out the window and what do I see? Not Santa and eight tiny reindeer, but dozens of kids running across the lawn in their underwear! Guys and girls, practically streaking across the school lawn. Actually, one guy was streaking; he wasn't wearing anything at all! Anyway, they're all running across campus in their underwear. Every school has their strange traditions, but this one moves to the top of the list!
Thursday, July 6, 2000
I was right; the campus is really beautiful. Orientation was as boring as every other school. One interesting thing though, during the staff speeches, the coach of the crew team announced that there were spots open on the JV team for summer session. (That's not the interesting part though). Afterwards, several guys were standing around talking about joining. I would have totally ignored them, except for this one guy. WOW. He was so beautiful! As I walked past, he happened to turn around and look my way. WOW. I have never seen such beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't help but stare. I left there breathless and depressed. Breathless because he's so incredible looking, depressed because I can't get to know him. I'm not planning on making friends here! I'm praying I won't be here long enough to make friends. If I get close to anyone it will only complicate matters. I'm pretending here after all! I was surprised there wasn't school stationary in with all the junk they give out at orientation. Every other school has done that, figures that because I'm looking for something, it's not there. I'll have to go hunting for some tomorrow and classes start Monday. I wonder what people do for fun around here?
Saturday, July 8, 2000
This place is really quiet! Too quiet. I ended up taking my bike out for a very long ride just to have something to do. I saw that gorgeous guy from orientation this morning at breakfast. He looked like he was going to come and sit down by me, but I grabbed my tray and left before he could. I thought about him for most of my ride. I didn't want to, but I couldn't chase him out of my thoughts.
Sunday, July 9, 2000
For lack of anything better to do, I called home. Consuela was there as usual. She said she misses me and I miss her. I really miss her cooking! Mom was out and about, of course. It occurred to me that I have been here for 5 days now and she hasn't called to see if I got here okay. I mean, I could be dead in a roadside ditch and she'd never know it.
I spent most of the day in my room. The desk is right under the window and gives me a great view of the lawns. Guys were everywhere and every one of them was playing some kind of sport! From hackeysack to football. The testosterone levels around here are off the charts. I realize it's an all boys school, but god! Now I know where all the stereotypes come from.
Monday, July 10, 2000
Classes are the same thing/different school, with one exception. The crew coach - well he's also my English Lit teacher. And Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes - he's in the class with me. I spent the entire class trying to not to look at him. I have never seen a guy that beautiful. Sounds stupid to call a guy "beautiful" but it works for him. His eyes are amazing, so incredibly blue and intense. And his lips...oooh, they look so soft and kissable. I'm almost sorry I'll be leaving soon. I'd love to get to know him. Of course, even if I were staying, I'd be getting to know him as a guy and not as myself. Not exactly what I'd want.....
I have to find school stationary, so I can write Mom.
Tuesday, July 11, 2000
Finn, the English teacher/crew coach made another pitch today in class for the JV crew team. After class, he specifically asked if I was interested in being the coxswain since I'm small. Yikes! I didn't know what to say! He caught me totally off guard and before I realized what I was doing - I agreed. What an idiot! It's just going to complicate things when I leave. I have to hurry up and get that stationary and get things moving along before I make another boneheaded mistake. The school office said they were waiting for the new stationary to come in - great. I don't care if it's new or old, I just want it to say Rawley Academy for Boys!!!!
Wednesday, July 12, 2000
OMG! I went to the first practice for crew and guess who walked right up to me! Yep, Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes himself. And get this, he knows about my motorcycle! I have no idea how he knows, but he knows. I was annoyed at first because he tried to bargain his silence with rides, but then he tells me he can keep a secret. Oh boy, you have no idea honey!! This crew team thing is going to be really difficult, too. He sits in the first seat of the boat, directly across from me. Any idea how hard it is to concentrate with those eyes and lips right in front of you? Close enough to touch! Wait, it gets better...when Finn stopped practice for a break, he took his shirt off.....AAAHHHHH! He's got an incredible body to match that incredible face. Beautiful, sculpted, delicious muscles everywhere! The guy must live in the gym. I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep a neutral expression on my face when that shirt came off. I think it's still bleeding.... Oh and the best part, after practice we walked back to the dorms together. Get this - he's the dean's son! His name is Hamilton. I feel for him, that's worse than Jacqueline. But jeez, the dean's son? How do I get myself into these things?
Mom better figure this out quick. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next week!
Thursday, July 13, 2000
This is impossible!!! Hamilton stopped by my room today. He asked me about the bike again. He told me he'd help me find a better place to hide it. I'm not sure why, but I told him about all my transfers and how I make them happen. I don't know what I was thinking. I swore I wasn't going to make friends here. But for some reason, I felt like I could tell him. We talked for quite awhile, messed with my computer and decided to grab something to eat together.
A strange thing happened as we left the dorms though, he took the cap I was wearing and tried it on. I was nervous because the cap helps hide my face, but that wasn't the weird part. When he gave it back to me, he said it smelled good! It immediately made him uncomfortable when he realized what he said, and I tried to blow it off. But it was nerve racking, I don't need him finding out who I am. The plan was the Mom would figure it out, not the dean's kid.
I'm getting angry, still no stationary! I called home again, but as usual spoke to voice mail.
Saturday, July 15, 2000
Even though it's Saturday, Hamilton came by and we hung around the dorms. I was surprised, I would have thought he'd want to be at home on the weekend. Right? I mean why be in a dorm, when you can be in your own house? We also moved my bike today. "The perfect hiding spot" he told me. He swears no one will find it. We'll see.... We've been hanging out a lot. I gather that being the dean's son has a way of alienating you from the rest of the students. He tries to act macho, but I don't buy it. There is a lot more to him than he shows. It's really hard to stay "Jake" around him, though. I get comfortable talking to him and almost forget that I'm supposed to be a guy. And it's impossible not to think about how he looks!
Sunday, July 16, 2000
I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!! I KISSED HIM!!
I was trying to show Hamilton some games on the computer today, but the connection was slow and it wasn't working. I commented that we needed a satellite hook up to make them run properly. He asked if we could use the satellite dish on the roof. Sounded like a good plan, right? I mean, I've "borrowed" plenty of systems before without getting caught. So off to the roof we go....
On the way, we pass a bunch of guys in the common room talking about girls and relationships. Hamilton apparently feels he's an expert on the subject because he starts telling me (this is funny) what girls "really" mean when they talk to guys. Cute, huh? He also informs me that regardless of what a guy says, he really means he wants to have sex. All in all, an interesting (and enlightening) conversation, until....
He opens his fly and takes a leak right there!!!! My first thought - 'didn't your mother teach you any manners?' My second thought - OH MY GOD!
So here I am, trying not to stare (I wasn't very successful) and he's still talking about sex with little Hamilton hanging right out there in the open. GOD HELP ME! I have always felt I was in control of my urges, but the combination of the view and the conversation was pushing my buttons just right.
Before I know it, we're sitting on the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes. For a split second, his eyes turned serious and I felt drawn to his lips. It was like being pulled in by a tractor beam!! I couldn't help it. I had this strange, primal need to kiss those lips. It was only a matter of seconds before I remembered I was supposed to be a guy. I pulled away, apologized and got the hell out of there, fast!
I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm damn lucky he didn't beat the hell out of me for doing that. This was not a part of the plan!! This wasn't supposed to happen.
The worst part of it all - for a spit second - he kissed me back.
Tuesday, July 18, 2000
I haven't had a coherent thought in days. I keep replaying that kiss in my mind...over and over. I can't help it. It felt so incredibly good, even if it was only a few seconds. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do. I've been calling Mom for days and she hasn't called me back yet.
The smart thing to do here would be to declare this idea a failure and run like hell. But I guess I've never been one to do the 'smart' thing. I wouldn't be in this situation if I were....
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
Hamilton is still avoiding me. The only time I've seen him is class and practice and he hasn't spoken to me at all. It stings, but maybe it's for the best. I won't be here long.
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Hamilton came by today. He barged into my room, talking very fast, like he was afraid if he didn't blurt everything out right away, he would never say what he came to say.
We agreed to forget about the kiss, but when we shook hands and looked at each other, I felt that tractor beam again. No, I didn't kiss him again, but god, I wanted to...
One thing is obvious, though, he doesn't realize that I'm a girl. And I don't know if I should tell him. There are so many unanswered questions here. What happens in the next few weeks when Mom realizes I'm at an all boys school and yanks me out of here? Do I tell Hamilton the truth then? Do I tell him now? Do I tell him at all? Is he going to hate me forever if I tell him? I don't think I could handle him rejecting me. He's the first person I've felt comfortable with in ages. And what happens when I leave, will he keep in touch? Will I get to see him again? Will I be Jake or Jacqueline? My head is starting to hurt. I'm going to sleep.
Friday, July 21, 2000
Hamilton was speaking to me today, but it was obvious he was uncomfortable around me. I guess being on the team together has its advantages (besides the view). It forces us to spend time together. I think if it weren't for that, he would have stopped speaking to me all together after I kissed him. But forced closeness has a way of making you work through things.
I tried to call Mom again. She's flown to LA for the weekend. How nice....
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
The school finally has stationary. Mom still hasn't returned any of my calls. Consuela keeps making excuses for her, but I see right through them. I wrote her a quick note on the stationary and was leaving to mail it when Hamilton appeared at my door. Like an idiot I was checking to make sure the corset was properly doing it's job when he showed up! Not what I wanted him to see. He came to let me know that if I'm gay, then fine, but he is NOT gay. Funny thing was, he didn't sound like he believed his own words. I covered and didn't bother to correct him. I just wanted to get out of there and get the letter in the mail. The sooner she reads it, the sooner I'll be out of here (I hope).
I kinda blew him off and I swear he almost looked disappointed. I haven't managed to answer any of my own questions, yet. How could I possibly answer any he might ask? This is fast becoming an impossible situation.