The Somehow Less Than Perfect Yet Oddly Funny Wedding
Setting: December 7, 2006, "Fairy Tale Wedding" in a stupidly big church with tons of people in the pews. There is no priest, but the bride and the groom standing there. The bride is in a large white dress that's very form fitting, but looks fabulous; mesh over the back, and a very low neck line. She wears glasses beneath the veil. Atop her head, a "crown" with the veil over her head. The groom is wearing a tux, blue baseball cap and glasses.
Bride (stands in front of the alter, being the priest): Do you, Luis Z**** B******, take Lindsay M** S*****, to be your lawfully wedded wife, blah blah blah, etc., etc.?
Groom (Luis): Can I go to the bathroom?
Bride (Lindsay): *sighs* If you ask me one more time… No you may not.
Luis: *looks down at the floor; quietly* Okay.
Lindsay (as preist, turns to herself): And do you, myself, take Luis Z**-
Lindsay (goes back to standing next to Luis): No.
Lindsay (as preist, turns to Luis): You may now kiss the bride.
Lindsay (returns to standing next to Luis): *lifts up veil*
Luis: No tongue. We're getting married.
Lindsay: *snaps fingers* Darn… *looks up and waits impatiently*
Luis: That's for after the wedding. *smiles*
Lindsay: I'm waiting…
Luis: *leans forward and kisses her*
Lindsay: *hugs him and draws his closer*
Luis: *pulls away after about 30 seconds*
Everybody sitting down: *claps and cheers*
Someone in crowd: #&%&@!
Lindsay: Joanna! That's not nice!
Joanna: *looks up from book* What?
Lindsay: Nevermind.
Lindsay (as preist for last time): And now, for the first time, Mr. And Mrs. Luis B******!
Everyone: *more clapping, cheering*
Lindsay (as herself): *runs down aisle for no reason*
Luis: *runs after her*
Lindsay: *trips on dress, falls and lies on the floor*
Luis: *sits down next to her* Are you okay?
Lindsay: What? Oh. No. 'Course not.
Luis: I'll have to carry you out.
Lindsay: *looks in horror* NO! *runs out of room and through the "lobby" and outside. Once she gets outside, she realises it's December and it's cold out. She runs back in*
Luis (after she ran out): …
Lindsay (when she runs back in): CAP'N, THEY'VE'EM GOTTEN US ALL SORROUNDED! *runs and hides behind alter*
Lisa (a best friend of Lindsay): *stands up*
Johnny Rzeznik (Ynnhoj), Mike Malinin (Mark) and Robby (Robby): *stand up as well*
Yhnnoj: I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Buffalo, New York!
Lisa: But it's the pelvic thrust!
Mark and Robby: That really drives you insane!
All four: Let's do the time warp again! *run into aisles and start dancing the time warp*
Luis: *runs to alter and stands on it; turns to Johnny, who is now wearing Frank-N-Futer attire* Frank-N-Futer, it's all over. Your mission is a failure, you're lifestyles too extreme! I'm your new commander, you are now my prisoner! We return to Transylvania, prepare the transit beam! *jumps and runs behind it to Lindsay* We'll have a wonderful life together, with no plants! No plants at all!
Lindsay: Oh Luis! I gotta get ready! *pauses* Wait, we're already married.
Luis: *smiles* I know. C'mon, there's a limo waiting out back.
Lindsay: *pouts* But the reception…
Luis: *peers out from behind altar* This is the wedding. Do you want to go to the reception and/or party?
Lindsay: *looks out and sees the Goo Goo Dolls and Lisa doing the Time Warp and Johnny is in Frank-N-Futer's attire* Where's the limo?
Luis: *he takes her hand, and leads her out a back doorway, where no one saw them leave*
Arwen and Jessi: *stand up, run to the front of the room and look behind alter* THE MARRIED COUPLE ISN'T THERE! *they both start dancing to Macavity*
*everybody who isn't the Goo Goo Dolls, Lisa, Arwen, Jessi, Luis or Lindsay continues to sit and stare at the craziness*
This fic was brought to you by the conversation of Luis and Lindsay on the night of June 20, 2001.
=D