Title: Dear Diary, Part 3/?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)
Rating: PG-13 (for now anyway)
Category: Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now...
Thanks: As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)
Monday, August 7, 2000
I assumed too quickly and was wrong. Going to the drive in with Hamilton and Lena is now the second weirdest day of my life!!
Today is now the weirdest day. First, Hamilton catches me in the courtyard this afternoon and tells me "I won" Lena. He's all upset because Lena liked me and not him, so he tells me "you're a guy, she likes you, go for it". There are just too many things wrong in that sentence to even get started on. Then later, Lena shows up in my room. She wants to "thank" me for making her feel welcome and tells me she's transferring to Rawley girls. You want to know how she says "thank you"? She kisses me! Can you say "freaked out"? I tried to put her off by saying I was in love with someone. It seemed to work and but then, she tells me Hamilton said it was a bad idea for her to try and hook up with me. She thinks he was jealous. I tell her it's because Hamilton likes her. She tells me she thinks Hamilton likes me!!! Why would she think that? The absolute worst part of the day came as Lena was leaving. The cretins gathered out in the hall saw her leave my room and started cheering. In an attempt to be "Jake", I go with it. But just as I do, who comes walking up? Yep, Hamilton! And of course the guys just have to fill him in on what they just saw. I swear, he looked so hurt. He looked like he couldn't breathe or get out of there fast enough. Now I'm left to wonder, was he hurt over losing Lena or could Lena possibly be right? Could he actually like me?
Oh, my head hurts again.
Tuesday, August 8, 2000
I really need to figure some of this stuff out and quickly. Every day I'm here as Jake, things get more complicated. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do!! (OK, there are a few things I know I want to do, but they all involve Hamilton's body. Can't go there...)
It's obvious that my brilliant plan to get Mom's attention did not work. She's just as clueless as ever, wrapped up in her own life and totally oblivious to mine. So, having failed in my attempt to get her to notice me, I should leave. Really, I should. The only thing I'm doing here is making Hamilton's life miserable and making myself even more depressed. I love being around him, but every minute is heaven and hell all at once. Heaven to be with him and hell because I'm lying the entire time. If I stay here, I have to tell him. There is just no way I can keep being "Jake" around him without making any more mistakes. It will be worse if I don't tell him, god forbid he finds out some other way, but I'm terrified of what his reaction will be. I just don't know how or when. I mean, what do you say to a guy who thinks you're his "buddy", when really you're a girl and falling hopelessly in love with him? Not your everyday conversation between buds.
I know it's late, but I'm going for a ride. I need to think and these four walls feel like they're closing in on me.
Wednesday, August 9, 2000
Everyone is talking about the Summer Cotillion. It's Friday night and I'd give anything to be able to go. It would feel so wonderful to put on a dress and act like a girl again. I was daydreaming this morning at breakfast about how incredible it would be to go as Hamilton's date to a dance when one of the guys sat down and asked, "who's the chick"? I had no idea what he was talking about then he explained that I had that look on my face that guys get when they're thinking about a really hot babe. Well, the really hot babe part is right.... I made an excuse and left quickly.
Maybe I should try to get Hamilton to go to the dance. I mean we could go as friends and then if the night goes well, I could tell him afterwards? It's not like there is going to be a "right time" to tell him. At least if we had a fun time, he'll be in a good mood and might not get as angry. Yeah, right. Dream on Jacqueline, he's going to be mad as hell.
Consuela tells me Mom will be back in New York next week. She finished shooting in Hollywood. I wonder if she'll get around to calling me while she's home.
Thursday, August 10, 2000
OK, I'm going to bite the bullet and ask Hamilton if he wants to go to the dance after practice today. More later....
Thursday, August 10, 2000
He said OK! He seemed a little unsettled after he agreed, but he agreed! He agreed, he agreed! I can't believe it. I shouldn't be this excited though, I have to wear a tux instead of a dress and it's not like we're going to dance with each other or anything. But still, he said OK and we'll be spending several hours together. I'm going to tell him right after the dance. Everyone will be busy taking their dates home or whatever, so things should be pretty quiet around the dorm. We'll be able to talk then. I'm so scared. No, I'm beyond scared. I'm shaking just thinking about telling him.
I bet he'll look pretty cute in a tux though.... Oh shit! I have to find a tux now!
Friday, August 11, 2000
UNBELIEVABLE! He bailed on me. He's going to the cotillion with Lena. Not with me like we planned, but with Lena. I caught them out by the lake today making plans to go together. I barely managed to cover the hurt in my voice. I wish I knew what he was thinking. The look on his face when I walked up to them? It was weird, like guilt mixed with macho pride. Kinda like, 'see I can get a real date to the dance', but maybe some guilt because we already had plans? Oh, I don't know!! So much for my plan, but I guess I'll have all night here alone to think up another one. One of these days, I might actually come up with a plan that works. I think I'm going to cry. I hate crying...
Friday, August 11, 2000
Hamilton HATES me! He kissed me, I told him and he hates me.
After spending a good hour crying like a fool. I decided I had to do this, Lena or no Lena. I got dressed and went to the dance after all. When I went in, I saw him coming across the room with Lena. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. After Lena walked away, I was going to walk over and talk to him, but he turned around and high tailed it out of there.
I caught him alone a little later and told him we needed to talk. He agreed, but then something flashed across his face. Some thought that must have scared the living hell out of him because he tells me "I'm sorry, I can't do this" and walks away. I left, but guess what? He followed me, into the bathroom no less.
So, I'm by the sink in the bathroom when Hamilton comes barging in. He comes right up to me and grabs my arms, but then starts checking the stalls. I asked him what he was doing and he tells me "throwing caution to the wind". Caution? What caution? But before I could say or do anything, HE kisses ME. Oh my god, it was such an amazing kiss. Under normal circumstances, I could have died and gone to heaven because Hamilton kissed me. Under these circumstances, I went straight to hell, because Hamilton just kissed "Jake" and now I have to tell him I'm not really Jake, I'm Jacqueline.
It was obvious we both enjoyed the kiss this time, and of course, he freaks, thinking we're gay. Definitely time to tell him. After a moment of verbal fumbling, I finally blurted out "I'm a girl". Go figure, he doesn't believe me. I have to prove it to him.
When I finally get my shirt open to prove that I am 100% female, he looks at me in total shock. Shock which quickly turns into disgust.
And then he leaves.
Without saying a word.
He hates me.
I don't think I've ever felt worse than I do right now.
Saturday, August 12, 2000
I didn't sleep at all last night. All I could think about was the look on Hamilton's face as he walked away. I looked all over campus for him today and he was nowhere to be found. None of the guys have seen him either.
When I find him, I'm going to apologize and tell him I'm leaving Rawley. If he gives me the chance to explain, I will. If not, I'll just say goodbye and leave. I've moved before, one more won't make a difference.
Who am I kidding? I don't want to leave. I just don't think I could stay here knowing he hates me.
Sunday, August 13, 2000
Still no Hamilton, I looked everywhere I could think of, except his house. I couldn't handle the idea of knocking on the Dean's front door after messing with his son's head the way I have. It's Sunday night and usually he'd be in the Common Room, but he's not. No one saw him all weekend. My last chance to find him is tomorrow in class. Hopefully, he'll give me a chance to explain. I don't want to leave without talking to him, though. He has to at least know I didn't intend to hurt him. If I can figure out what to say, I'll write him a letter. Just in case he refuses to speak to me.
I was such an idiot to think this whole charade would work.
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)
Rating: PG-13 (for now anyway)
Category: Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now...
Thanks: As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)
Monday, August 7, 2000
I assumed too quickly and was wrong. Going to the drive in with Hamilton and Lena is now the second weirdest day of my life!!
Today is now the weirdest day. First, Hamilton catches me in the courtyard this afternoon and tells me "I won" Lena. He's all upset because Lena liked me and not him, so he tells me "you're a guy, she likes you, go for it". There are just too many things wrong in that sentence to even get started on. Then later, Lena shows up in my room. She wants to "thank" me for making her feel welcome and tells me she's transferring to Rawley girls. You want to know how she says "thank you"? She kisses me! Can you say "freaked out"? I tried to put her off by saying I was in love with someone. It seemed to work and but then, she tells me Hamilton said it was a bad idea for her to try and hook up with me. She thinks he was jealous. I tell her it's because Hamilton likes her. She tells me she thinks Hamilton likes me!!! Why would she think that? The absolute worst part of the day came as Lena was leaving. The cretins gathered out in the hall saw her leave my room and started cheering. In an attempt to be "Jake", I go with it. But just as I do, who comes walking up? Yep, Hamilton! And of course the guys just have to fill him in on what they just saw. I swear, he looked so hurt. He looked like he couldn't breathe or get out of there fast enough. Now I'm left to wonder, was he hurt over losing Lena or could Lena possibly be right? Could he actually like me?
Oh, my head hurts again.
Tuesday, August 8, 2000
I really need to figure some of this stuff out and quickly. Every day I'm here as Jake, things get more complicated. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do!! (OK, there are a few things I know I want to do, but they all involve Hamilton's body. Can't go there...)
It's obvious that my brilliant plan to get Mom's attention did not work. She's just as clueless as ever, wrapped up in her own life and totally oblivious to mine. So, having failed in my attempt to get her to notice me, I should leave. Really, I should. The only thing I'm doing here is making Hamilton's life miserable and making myself even more depressed. I love being around him, but every minute is heaven and hell all at once. Heaven to be with him and hell because I'm lying the entire time. If I stay here, I have to tell him. There is just no way I can keep being "Jake" around him without making any more mistakes. It will be worse if I don't tell him, god forbid he finds out some other way, but I'm terrified of what his reaction will be. I just don't know how or when. I mean, what do you say to a guy who thinks you're his "buddy", when really you're a girl and falling hopelessly in love with him? Not your everyday conversation between buds.
I know it's late, but I'm going for a ride. I need to think and these four walls feel like they're closing in on me.
Wednesday, August 9, 2000
Everyone is talking about the Summer Cotillion. It's Friday night and I'd give anything to be able to go. It would feel so wonderful to put on a dress and act like a girl again. I was daydreaming this morning at breakfast about how incredible it would be to go as Hamilton's date to a dance when one of the guys sat down and asked, "who's the chick"? I had no idea what he was talking about then he explained that I had that look on my face that guys get when they're thinking about a really hot babe. Well, the really hot babe part is right.... I made an excuse and left quickly.
Maybe I should try to get Hamilton to go to the dance. I mean we could go as friends and then if the night goes well, I could tell him afterwards? It's not like there is going to be a "right time" to tell him. At least if we had a fun time, he'll be in a good mood and might not get as angry. Yeah, right. Dream on Jacqueline, he's going to be mad as hell.
Consuela tells me Mom will be back in New York next week. She finished shooting in Hollywood. I wonder if she'll get around to calling me while she's home.
Thursday, August 10, 2000
OK, I'm going to bite the bullet and ask Hamilton if he wants to go to the dance after practice today. More later....
Thursday, August 10, 2000
He said OK! He seemed a little unsettled after he agreed, but he agreed! He agreed, he agreed! I can't believe it. I shouldn't be this excited though, I have to wear a tux instead of a dress and it's not like we're going to dance with each other or anything. But still, he said OK and we'll be spending several hours together. I'm going to tell him right after the dance. Everyone will be busy taking their dates home or whatever, so things should be pretty quiet around the dorm. We'll be able to talk then. I'm so scared. No, I'm beyond scared. I'm shaking just thinking about telling him.
I bet he'll look pretty cute in a tux though.... Oh shit! I have to find a tux now!
Friday, August 11, 2000
UNBELIEVABLE! He bailed on me. He's going to the cotillion with Lena. Not with me like we planned, but with Lena. I caught them out by the lake today making plans to go together. I barely managed to cover the hurt in my voice. I wish I knew what he was thinking. The look on his face when I walked up to them? It was weird, like guilt mixed with macho pride. Kinda like, 'see I can get a real date to the dance', but maybe some guilt because we already had plans? Oh, I don't know!! So much for my plan, but I guess I'll have all night here alone to think up another one. One of these days, I might actually come up with a plan that works. I think I'm going to cry. I hate crying...
Friday, August 11, 2000
Hamilton HATES me! He kissed me, I told him and he hates me.
After spending a good hour crying like a fool. I decided I had to do this, Lena or no Lena. I got dressed and went to the dance after all. When I went in, I saw him coming across the room with Lena. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. After Lena walked away, I was going to walk over and talk to him, but he turned around and high tailed it out of there.
I caught him alone a little later and told him we needed to talk. He agreed, but then something flashed across his face. Some thought that must have scared the living hell out of him because he tells me "I'm sorry, I can't do this" and walks away. I left, but guess what? He followed me, into the bathroom no less.
So, I'm by the sink in the bathroom when Hamilton comes barging in. He comes right up to me and grabs my arms, but then starts checking the stalls. I asked him what he was doing and he tells me "throwing caution to the wind". Caution? What caution? But before I could say or do anything, HE kisses ME. Oh my god, it was such an amazing kiss. Under normal circumstances, I could have died and gone to heaven because Hamilton kissed me. Under these circumstances, I went straight to hell, because Hamilton just kissed "Jake" and now I have to tell him I'm not really Jake, I'm Jacqueline.
It was obvious we both enjoyed the kiss this time, and of course, he freaks, thinking we're gay. Definitely time to tell him. After a moment of verbal fumbling, I finally blurted out "I'm a girl". Go figure, he doesn't believe me. I have to prove it to him.
When I finally get my shirt open to prove that I am 100% female, he looks at me in total shock. Shock which quickly turns into disgust.
And then he leaves.
Without saying a word.
He hates me.
I don't think I've ever felt worse than I do right now.
Saturday, August 12, 2000
I didn't sleep at all last night. All I could think about was the look on Hamilton's face as he walked away. I looked all over campus for him today and he was nowhere to be found. None of the guys have seen him either.
When I find him, I'm going to apologize and tell him I'm leaving Rawley. If he gives me the chance to explain, I will. If not, I'll just say goodbye and leave. I've moved before, one more won't make a difference.
Who am I kidding? I don't want to leave. I just don't think I could stay here knowing he hates me.
Sunday, August 13, 2000
Still no Hamilton, I looked everywhere I could think of, except his house. I couldn't handle the idea of knocking on the Dean's front door after messing with his son's head the way I have. It's Sunday night and usually he'd be in the Common Room, but he's not. No one saw him all weekend. My last chance to find him is tomorrow in class. Hopefully, he'll give me a chance to explain. I don't want to leave without talking to him, though. He has to at least know I didn't intend to hurt him. If I can figure out what to say, I'll write him a letter. Just in case he refuses to speak to me.
I was such an idiot to think this whole charade would work.