Disclaimer: don't own Haru-chan or PSME!!!
Author's note: Quick fic on Haruhiko... I've only seen the anime and my friend's told me a bit about the manga, so I hope its okay... First fic I write on this series and I'm curious on what you think of it... Ok, Read&Review!!!
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I Regret It
By Lilas
I regret it... I really do, but I guess now it's too late. I never imagined it to be this way. I never imagined it to turn out the way it did, and I'm sorry it did. I never thought the antidote would work, and I never meant for him to live nine agonizing years in total darkness and loneliness... I never wanted for him to hate me so much. To despise me the way he does...
It was a misunderstanding... I saw what I saw and I believed the only coherent explanation my mind could make... No, that isn't true. You believed what your mind told you... Shukaido is a completely different person than I. You have committed an unforgettable sin, a sin that I have to live with, to dream of... A sin that is costing my life and that of all those I love, all those I hold dear...
And there's nothing I can do for myself or for Rin... There's nothing I can do to wash it away from Shukaido's dirty soul, or explain to Shion how sorry you are, how much you regret it...
*how much we regret it*
No... I don't regret my life, or my sins... I don't love my life, but I don't hate it... I haven't killed anyone yet.
*you and I are alike*
Stop it! We aren't! We're different in every aspect! You were a doctor, and I'm a sick boy with a bad heart! I... I'm probably going to die before I reach twenty and then who are you going to make suffer Shukaido? Whose life will you ruin after mine? Whose life will Shion ruin after mine?
*I'm sorry*
Sorry isn't good enough! Don't you realize what you've put us through? What you've put me through... What you'll put everyone that follows you and I through? Shion will never forgive you Shukaido. No matter how many millennia pass by, he'll never forgive you. Do you hear me Shukaido?! Do you?
*Haruhiko...*
Stop it! I don't want you to explain to me, again, that you were jealous, that you didn't know... Maybe you should have found out the scoop before you gave him the antidote... Before you lied to him and made him suffer all that time with only your corpses to watch and remind him of the horrors you made him go through. Had you ever wondered what would happen afterwards? How much he would hate you when you reincarnated? Hadn't it ever crossed your freaking mind?!
*Yes, it did...*
Then what drove you forward? What could have possibly made you feel the need to have gone and created an antidote that would make him suffer so much? I don't understand Shukaido... I've tried to, I really have, but I just don't understand you... I've seen your memories and I've heard your thoughts Shukaido... and I still don't comprehend what pushed you to do what you did!
*revenge for what I believed to be a crime...*
At the expanse of a man's suffering? Why, Shukaido?
*everything for the one you love*
Yes... Everything for the one you love... Including the peacefulness and life of your next lives? Of the souls you will come and share the body of? I don't want you Shukaido! I don't want to be you, do you hear me? Do you hear me?! I don't want to cry anymore because of you! I'm sick of feeling all this guilt for something you did, for a situation in which you were incapable of handling like an adult! And I'm sick of having you make me feel something I don't want to feel whenever I see Alice!
I'm sick of you living my life for me! Do you hear me Shukaido?!
*then I am sorry for you Haruhiko...*
What?
*you are who you are, and I am a part of you. There is nothing you can do about that, Haruhiko... There is nothing you can do to be rid of me, because we make one person. My sins are your sins. You must accept that*
But... They're just so...
*awful, I know... it's what I think about every day of my life... of your life. And I'm sorry I'm putting you through it... maybe Shion will forgive me soon...*
You tortured him... Do you really think that will be the case?
*most probably not... But optimism helps, Haruhiko*
I don't know... But I guess you are right about one thing... We are one person, and there is nothing I can do about that... I'm sorry I said those things.
*it's all right... I forgive you...*
Yes... At least one person forgives me... Forgives your sins... I guess it's a start, ne? After all, how can we start anew if we don't even believe in who we are? Right?