Title: Dear Diary, Part 9/?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Please, it's incredibly inspiring.
Rating: PG-13 (still)
Category: Jake and Hamilton
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up after the finale. Jake is at home in New York and she has some important decisions to think about.
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now.
Thanks: Thank you to Ev, for making me laugh so much! It puts me in a better frame of mind to write. And to everyone who sent feedback on the previous parts.
Saturday, September 9, 2000
It's only been one day and already I'm bored out of my mind! If I thought I hated being alone before...this is ten times worse. I miss Hamilton like crazy and it sucks not having people around to talk to. At least on Monday, I'll have Consuela, but she's off for the weekend, so I have to get through today and tomorrow on my own.
I can't help but wonder what's happening at Rawley. I tried to call Bella to see what's up with her, but she wasn't home. I talked to Hamilton tonight, but he hasn't seen Finn or heard from anyone else, either. It was weird because we spent most of the conversation trying not to talk about what happened in the bathroom. We need to talk about it, but I don't think either of us knows what to say yet. Until we find out what Finn is going to do, it's weird. If Finn kicks me out, that shower will probably mean the end of our relationship as we know it now. Long distance...here we come. But, if by some miracle Finn lets me stay, that shower could be the beginning of a new level in our relationship. It could end up being a wonderful thing or a horrible thing.
And I'm also nervous about what he thinks. He got to see more of me than I got to see of him. He was hiding behind a shower curtain! What if he didn't like what he saw? What if maybe he's changed his mind and instead of being with some crazy, cross-dressing tomboy, he would rather be with someone curvy and pretty like Caroline or Paige?
Sunday, September 10, 2000
OK, this is bad...really, really bad! I can't even go shopping without getting confused and plunged back into the abyss of deep thought and questions without answers!!
I thought maybe I'd go shopping today to get out of this boring apartment and just be around other humans for a while. Sounds simple enough, but nooooo.... I get to Macy's and my internal autopilot heads straight for the Women's department. But when I get there I realize I'm looking at dresses and I can't wear dresses at school. So I turn around and head for the Men's department. But when I get there I realize that I don't even know if I can go back to Rawley. If I can go back to Rawley, I'll need Jake clothes and if I'm kicked out, I'll need Jacqueline clothes. I can't even enjoy the one thing that comes naturally to all teenage girls - shopping for clothes! I gave up and went to Barnes and Noble instead.
On the walk home though, I made a decision. I'm going to talk to Finn myself, instead of having Hamilton do it. Maybe if I talk to him I can make him understand the situation and how desperate I was to come to Rawley Boys in the first place. I need for him to know that Hamilton wasn't a part of the original plan. I don't want him to think that this was all just some crazy ploy for a couple of horny teenagers to spend more time together. Now, I just have to get in touch with him...
Hamilton didn't try to talk me of it and I swear I heard a sigh of relief when I told him that I would talk to Finn. I know he wasn't looking forward to explaining all this. We both stand to be in a huge amount of trouble if we get caught, but for him the situation is different. He lives at the school and can't escape the situation, the rumors or his father. At least I can count on my mother to always be off and running to her next "role of a lifetime".
Monday, September 11, 2000
After a little searching today, I found Finn's phone number at school. I left him a message and asked him to call me at home. Now I have to wait for him to call me back. Hamilton said he hasn't seen Finn at all, so it's possible he left campus for the break. That's the last thing I want right now. If Finn doesn't call back, do I go back to school? Do I take the chance that he hasn't told anyone yet? Do I take the really big chance that he'll let me stay?
At least Consuela was back today. It was so nice to talk to her and spend time with her. When Mom is here it's not the same. I can't talk to Consuela the same as when we are alone. I told her all about Hamilton (except for a few details) and how crazy I am about him. I feel guilty for not telling her everything, but it's not the right time yet. I think I want to talk to Finn before I give away too much about my living situation at school.
Talking about Hamilton made me miss him even more. It sucked having to hide all the time at school, but at least I got to see him. I hate the way things ended in New Rawley. I really wanted us to say goodbye in private and not in front of the entire town. I wish I had somewhere to stay, I'd go back there in a heartbeat. It's not like being here is doing me any good. Mom is off being a star and I'm stuck here bored and lonely, missing Hamilton and worried about what's going to happen. What a great way to spend summer break! Yeah, right...
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
Still no word from Finn. And every time I go into the bathroom and see the shower, I think of THE shower. Hamilton and I are still kind of avoiding the subject, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It worries me that I reacted so easily and without thinking. Me, Miss Reserved, Control Freak herself was completely without rational thought at that moment. I really don't think Hamilton and I would have had sex right then, but still, I was willing to get naked and I wasn't thinking about the possible consequences. The whole thing has made me think a lot more about sex. I know that at some point, I do want to have sex with Hamilton, but the last thing I want to do is screw up my life even more by getting pregnant. I should at least be prepared if and when something like the shower ever happens again.
So, I've made an important decision; I want to go on the Pill. I called the doctor's office this afternoon and made an appointment and everything. It took me all day to work up the nerve to pick up the phone and call, but now that I did, I feel somewhat relieved. This is one little part of my life that I can control. And when the time does come, I don't want anything to go wrong. I want to enjoy it. Uh...I hope I'll enjoy it, anyway.
I haven't decided when I'm going to tell Hamilton, though. We talk on the phone at least once a day, but we have so many other things to discuss like; should I go back to school, what do we do about Finn and how much we miss each other. (And I wouldn't want to skip that part. I need to hear how much he misses me!) Besides, I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I'd rather be able to see his face when we talk about this.
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Hamilton told me today that he found out Finn left campus for the break. Great. So what do I do now? I can't count on Finn calling me before school starts now.
If I can't talk to Finn before school starts, should I go back? Should I take the chance that he either didn't see enough to know the truth (highly unlikely) or that he's understanding enough to let me stay? What if I get back there and he's already gone to the Dean and they have the police waiting for me or something?
And there is still the issue of should I even try to go back. I know I want to be with Hamilton again. I know I like being at Rawley Boys. But can I really handle a whole semester of being a boy? A whole semester of pretending, lying, hiding...I'm not even sure I can do that. Can Hamilton and I really hide our feelings for each other for that long? Do we even want to hide our feelings for each other? Would it be better to stay here and try a long distance, but more normal relationship or go back to Rawley and have to hide and lie all the time just to be together?
IF Finn were to let me stay...how would that change things? I'm pretty certain he saw I was a girl...so if he let me stay...I'm sure there would be some sort of punishment or conditions he would insist on. Finn's a pretty cool, unconventional guy, but allowing a girl to stay enrolled at a boys school is probably asking too much even of him.
Oh god! That's another thing...Finn could easily tell Hamilton's father about the whole shower thing!!! In all my panic over him turning me in, I hadn't really thought about the fact that he'd have to tell the Dean about HOW he found out I was really a girl! That would be quite a conversation...huh? Tell the Dean that his son was caught about to jump into a shower with a girl who's been attending Rawley Boys. I can hear the lecture about sex starting just as soon as he was done yelling about the girl at Rawley Boys part.... Poor Hamilton, his parents would have lecture material for months!
I guess the first thing I have to do is decide if I'm going back, transferring to another school or staying here in the city until I hear from Finn.
Something tells me I won't get much sleep tonight....
Thursday, September 14, 2000
I was right. I hardly got any sleep at all last night and I've spent most of today thinking about my options, as well.
By the time I called Hamilton after dinner, I still hadn't come to a decision. Talking to him helped, though and I decided to go back - unless I hear from Finn first. Hamilton pointed out that Finn probably hasn't turned me in...yet. He would have heard something about it by now if Finn had gone to his father. And if Finn is going to come back and bust me, he can do that whether I'm at Rawley or not. At least if I'm there, I may get a few days with Hamilton before the axe falls. And I REALLY want to see Hamilton again. I dream about him every night and miss him more than I thought was possible. I never understood what all the girls at my other schools were going on and on about when it came to guys. Now I understand and then some! I want to kiss and touch him so badly right now I could just scream in frustration.
My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I'm nervous about going. I still want to go and do this, but I'm not sure what to expect. It was hard to not tell Hamilton about what I was doing. Harder than I thought it would be, actually, because I'd like to talk to someone about it. I mean, it's a pretty big deal, but I don't know who I'd tell besides Hamilton and I want to tell him in person when the time is right.
Friday, September 15, 2000
OK, whoever came up with the whole pelvic exam thing HAD to be a guy! There is no way a woman thought that up and decided to subject other women to it. I was nervous enough answering the questions and all, but that part was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. But it's done now. I'm glad it's over and I'm still happy with my decision to do this.
The nurse asked me a lot of questions and I could tell she wasn't happy about a 16 year old wanting to go on the Pill. For a while I thought she was going to call my mom or something, but then I realized that my mother would probably be okay with this. She may be clueless sometimes, but she immediately saw that Hamilton was someone special to me and she's the one that brought up sex. Since she already seems to think that Hamilton and I are up to no good...I'm pretty sure she'd want us to be careful and would go along with my decision even if she didn't like it. And I will tell her about this if she brings up sex again. I don't plan on picking up the phone and announcing it, but if she wants to talk about sex again; I'll tell her that Hamilton and I aren't, but since it could happen I wanted to be careful. Considering how many times she's already asked about Hamilton, I should prepare myself now for this conversation because I don't think it will long before the subject comes up again.
They gave me the first month's pills to get started, but I have to figure out how I'm going to get the prescription refilled when I'm at school. "Jake" can't very well go waltzing into the local drugstore and get these! I guess I'll have to drive to Carson or something.
The nurse also gave me this huge lecture on how the Pill only prevents pregnancy; I should still be worried about disease and such. I really don't think this is a huge issue with Hamilton, but it is better to be safe. So...I think my alter ego may be making a trip to the drugstore for a box of condoms, too. Jake is just such a stud....
I can't wait to see the look on Hamilton's face when I tell him about this. Then again, I can't wait to see Hamilton's face again...period!
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Please, it's incredibly inspiring.
Rating: PG-13 (still)
Category: Jake and Hamilton
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up after the finale. Jake is at home in New York and she has some important decisions to think about.
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now.
Thanks: Thank you to Ev, for making me laugh so much! It puts me in a better frame of mind to write. And to everyone who sent feedback on the previous parts.
Saturday, September 9, 2000
It's only been one day and already I'm bored out of my mind! If I thought I hated being alone before...this is ten times worse. I miss Hamilton like crazy and it sucks not having people around to talk to. At least on Monday, I'll have Consuela, but she's off for the weekend, so I have to get through today and tomorrow on my own.
I can't help but wonder what's happening at Rawley. I tried to call Bella to see what's up with her, but she wasn't home. I talked to Hamilton tonight, but he hasn't seen Finn or heard from anyone else, either. It was weird because we spent most of the conversation trying not to talk about what happened in the bathroom. We need to talk about it, but I don't think either of us knows what to say yet. Until we find out what Finn is going to do, it's weird. If Finn kicks me out, that shower will probably mean the end of our relationship as we know it now. Long distance...here we come. But, if by some miracle Finn lets me stay, that shower could be the beginning of a new level in our relationship. It could end up being a wonderful thing or a horrible thing.
And I'm also nervous about what he thinks. He got to see more of me than I got to see of him. He was hiding behind a shower curtain! What if he didn't like what he saw? What if maybe he's changed his mind and instead of being with some crazy, cross-dressing tomboy, he would rather be with someone curvy and pretty like Caroline or Paige?
Sunday, September 10, 2000
OK, this is bad...really, really bad! I can't even go shopping without getting confused and plunged back into the abyss of deep thought and questions without answers!!
I thought maybe I'd go shopping today to get out of this boring apartment and just be around other humans for a while. Sounds simple enough, but nooooo.... I get to Macy's and my internal autopilot heads straight for the Women's department. But when I get there I realize I'm looking at dresses and I can't wear dresses at school. So I turn around and head for the Men's department. But when I get there I realize that I don't even know if I can go back to Rawley. If I can go back to Rawley, I'll need Jake clothes and if I'm kicked out, I'll need Jacqueline clothes. I can't even enjoy the one thing that comes naturally to all teenage girls - shopping for clothes! I gave up and went to Barnes and Noble instead.
On the walk home though, I made a decision. I'm going to talk to Finn myself, instead of having Hamilton do it. Maybe if I talk to him I can make him understand the situation and how desperate I was to come to Rawley Boys in the first place. I need for him to know that Hamilton wasn't a part of the original plan. I don't want him to think that this was all just some crazy ploy for a couple of horny teenagers to spend more time together. Now, I just have to get in touch with him...
Hamilton didn't try to talk me of it and I swear I heard a sigh of relief when I told him that I would talk to Finn. I know he wasn't looking forward to explaining all this. We both stand to be in a huge amount of trouble if we get caught, but for him the situation is different. He lives at the school and can't escape the situation, the rumors or his father. At least I can count on my mother to always be off and running to her next "role of a lifetime".
Monday, September 11, 2000
After a little searching today, I found Finn's phone number at school. I left him a message and asked him to call me at home. Now I have to wait for him to call me back. Hamilton said he hasn't seen Finn at all, so it's possible he left campus for the break. That's the last thing I want right now. If Finn doesn't call back, do I go back to school? Do I take the chance that he hasn't told anyone yet? Do I take the really big chance that he'll let me stay?
At least Consuela was back today. It was so nice to talk to her and spend time with her. When Mom is here it's not the same. I can't talk to Consuela the same as when we are alone. I told her all about Hamilton (except for a few details) and how crazy I am about him. I feel guilty for not telling her everything, but it's not the right time yet. I think I want to talk to Finn before I give away too much about my living situation at school.
Talking about Hamilton made me miss him even more. It sucked having to hide all the time at school, but at least I got to see him. I hate the way things ended in New Rawley. I really wanted us to say goodbye in private and not in front of the entire town. I wish I had somewhere to stay, I'd go back there in a heartbeat. It's not like being here is doing me any good. Mom is off being a star and I'm stuck here bored and lonely, missing Hamilton and worried about what's going to happen. What a great way to spend summer break! Yeah, right...
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
Still no word from Finn. And every time I go into the bathroom and see the shower, I think of THE shower. Hamilton and I are still kind of avoiding the subject, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It worries me that I reacted so easily and without thinking. Me, Miss Reserved, Control Freak herself was completely without rational thought at that moment. I really don't think Hamilton and I would have had sex right then, but still, I was willing to get naked and I wasn't thinking about the possible consequences. The whole thing has made me think a lot more about sex. I know that at some point, I do want to have sex with Hamilton, but the last thing I want to do is screw up my life even more by getting pregnant. I should at least be prepared if and when something like the shower ever happens again.
So, I've made an important decision; I want to go on the Pill. I called the doctor's office this afternoon and made an appointment and everything. It took me all day to work up the nerve to pick up the phone and call, but now that I did, I feel somewhat relieved. This is one little part of my life that I can control. And when the time does come, I don't want anything to go wrong. I want to enjoy it. Uh...I hope I'll enjoy it, anyway.
I haven't decided when I'm going to tell Hamilton, though. We talk on the phone at least once a day, but we have so many other things to discuss like; should I go back to school, what do we do about Finn and how much we miss each other. (And I wouldn't want to skip that part. I need to hear how much he misses me!) Besides, I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I'd rather be able to see his face when we talk about this.
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Hamilton told me today that he found out Finn left campus for the break. Great. So what do I do now? I can't count on Finn calling me before school starts now.
If I can't talk to Finn before school starts, should I go back? Should I take the chance that he either didn't see enough to know the truth (highly unlikely) or that he's understanding enough to let me stay? What if I get back there and he's already gone to the Dean and they have the police waiting for me or something?
And there is still the issue of should I even try to go back. I know I want to be with Hamilton again. I know I like being at Rawley Boys. But can I really handle a whole semester of being a boy? A whole semester of pretending, lying, hiding...I'm not even sure I can do that. Can Hamilton and I really hide our feelings for each other for that long? Do we even want to hide our feelings for each other? Would it be better to stay here and try a long distance, but more normal relationship or go back to Rawley and have to hide and lie all the time just to be together?
IF Finn were to let me stay...how would that change things? I'm pretty certain he saw I was a girl...so if he let me stay...I'm sure there would be some sort of punishment or conditions he would insist on. Finn's a pretty cool, unconventional guy, but allowing a girl to stay enrolled at a boys school is probably asking too much even of him.
Oh god! That's another thing...Finn could easily tell Hamilton's father about the whole shower thing!!! In all my panic over him turning me in, I hadn't really thought about the fact that he'd have to tell the Dean about HOW he found out I was really a girl! That would be quite a conversation...huh? Tell the Dean that his son was caught about to jump into a shower with a girl who's been attending Rawley Boys. I can hear the lecture about sex starting just as soon as he was done yelling about the girl at Rawley Boys part.... Poor Hamilton, his parents would have lecture material for months!
I guess the first thing I have to do is decide if I'm going back, transferring to another school or staying here in the city until I hear from Finn.
Something tells me I won't get much sleep tonight....
Thursday, September 14, 2000
I was right. I hardly got any sleep at all last night and I've spent most of today thinking about my options, as well.
By the time I called Hamilton after dinner, I still hadn't come to a decision. Talking to him helped, though and I decided to go back - unless I hear from Finn first. Hamilton pointed out that Finn probably hasn't turned me in...yet. He would have heard something about it by now if Finn had gone to his father. And if Finn is going to come back and bust me, he can do that whether I'm at Rawley or not. At least if I'm there, I may get a few days with Hamilton before the axe falls. And I REALLY want to see Hamilton again. I dream about him every night and miss him more than I thought was possible. I never understood what all the girls at my other schools were going on and on about when it came to guys. Now I understand and then some! I want to kiss and touch him so badly right now I could just scream in frustration.
My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I'm nervous about going. I still want to go and do this, but I'm not sure what to expect. It was hard to not tell Hamilton about what I was doing. Harder than I thought it would be, actually, because I'd like to talk to someone about it. I mean, it's a pretty big deal, but I don't know who I'd tell besides Hamilton and I want to tell him in person when the time is right.
Friday, September 15, 2000
OK, whoever came up with the whole pelvic exam thing HAD to be a guy! There is no way a woman thought that up and decided to subject other women to it. I was nervous enough answering the questions and all, but that part was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. But it's done now. I'm glad it's over and I'm still happy with my decision to do this.
The nurse asked me a lot of questions and I could tell she wasn't happy about a 16 year old wanting to go on the Pill. For a while I thought she was going to call my mom or something, but then I realized that my mother would probably be okay with this. She may be clueless sometimes, but she immediately saw that Hamilton was someone special to me and she's the one that brought up sex. Since she already seems to think that Hamilton and I are up to no good...I'm pretty sure she'd want us to be careful and would go along with my decision even if she didn't like it. And I will tell her about this if she brings up sex again. I don't plan on picking up the phone and announcing it, but if she wants to talk about sex again; I'll tell her that Hamilton and I aren't, but since it could happen I wanted to be careful. Considering how many times she's already asked about Hamilton, I should prepare myself now for this conversation because I don't think it will long before the subject comes up again.
They gave me the first month's pills to get started, but I have to figure out how I'm going to get the prescription refilled when I'm at school. "Jake" can't very well go waltzing into the local drugstore and get these! I guess I'll have to drive to Carson or something.
The nurse also gave me this huge lecture on how the Pill only prevents pregnancy; I should still be worried about disease and such. I really don't think this is a huge issue with Hamilton, but it is better to be safe. So...I think my alter ego may be making a trip to the drugstore for a box of condoms, too. Jake is just such a stud....
I can't wait to see the look on Hamilton's face when I tell him about this. Then again, I can't wait to see Hamilton's face again...period!