Title: Dear Diary, Part 10/?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feedback: Yes, please.
Rating: R (we're finally getting to the good stuff)
Category: Jake and Hamilton
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up with Jake in NY, but very bored and lonely. Jake plans a surprise for Hamilton with Bella's help.
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now.
Thanks: Thank you to Ev, for always having such great ideas and to everyone who sent feedback on previous DD parts and Hamilton's Journal. Hearing what everyone is thinking helps keep me motivated and inspired.
Note: Since this is FFN, the words in all caps would normally be in italics.
Saturday, September 16, 2000
School doesn't start until Wednesday, but I've had it - I'm going back. I'm not waiting until Wednesday. I'm sick of being alone and not seeing Hamilton. I'm tired of wondering what's happening at Rawley and worrying about what Finn's gonna do to me. I'm going back tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but at least I'll be with Hamilton and I won't have to wait another 4 excruciatingly long days to find out.
Why the sudden change in plans? I finally got to talk to Bella today. We had a really nice, long talk and came up with a great plan. I'm so happy for her, too. They got the station back. Apparently, the trip to Carson wasn't a waste of time after all. Her Mom changed her mind about selling and signed the station over to Bella and Grace. She's still not sure what she wants to do about her Mom, though. Her Mom wants a second chance, but she's not sure she can give that right now. I couldn't help Bella with that one. I have no idea what I'd do if my father suddenly showed up and wanted to be "Dad." I can't begin to imagine how I'd feel, although I do have about a million questions I'd like to ask him. Or maybe just one really big one - "why weren't you here?"
Bella said she's not sure she can ever forgive her mother for leaving. I don't know if I could forgive my father. Honestly, I don't know if there's anything to forgive. For all I know, he doesn't even know about me. I don't really know what happened since Mom never talks about it and I've never really asked. It's always just been the two of us, and Consuela. As a little kid, I never even questioned the lack of a father. I thought everything was perfectly normal until I went into school and saw other kids and their dads and they started asking me where mine was. One of these days, I'm going to ask Mom about him, I just don't know when since it's so hard to have a real conversation with her.
Ok, enough of the depressing stuff; I'm too excited for that right now. Back to the plan Bella and I came up with. I'm alone in New York. Hamilton is alone in New Rawley. My mother is off working, his parents went away for the weekend and Charlie is leaving Monday to go to Boston for three days. Why should we all be alone when we can be together? So...I'm going to leave early tomorrow and surprise Hamilton by showing up at his door! We can spend tomorrow night together since his parents won't be home until Monday night, then I can go to Bella's for Monday and Tuesday. Bella said it should be no problem to get rid of Grace for 2 nights. She's always looking for an excuse to get out of working. Students can check into the dorms on Wednesday, so I just need to pack enough clothes to get through until then. I should be able to fit that much on my bike. I can have all my other stuff ready and waiting for Consuela to ship to the school on Monday. Hopefully, by Wednesday I will have talked to Finn and found out what his plans are for me. But even if he kicks me out, I will still get to see Hamilton and spend one night with him - all alone. I can't wait to see him again. The look on his face when he opens the door should be priceless! God, I'm so excited I can barely sit still.
I have to decide what to bring first since I don't have a lot of room on the bike. Obviously, I need Jake clothes, but when I'm at Hamilton's I want to wear something normal, something that leaves no question as to my true gender. I can't wear anything too girly on the bike, though. Maybe I'll stop at Bella's when I get to town and get cleaned up and changed before I go to Hamilton's. It's a short ride from Bella's to his house; I should be able to make it ok in shorts or something. Or maybe Bella could even drop me off there and I could hide my bike in her garage.
God, I can't wait to see him again, touch him again, kiss him again... I don't know if it's because I miss him so much or because I decided to go on the Pill, but I've had sex on the brain lately. I can't stop thinking about what it will be like. It's not like we're going to DO IT tomorrow night...well...that's not the plan anyway, but what WILL we do? We've never been alone that long before. And in my dorm room, it's not like we were totally alone anyway. We were always thinking about who saw him come in and what they could hear through the door. We always watched what and how much we did for fear of being interrupted or caught. Tomorrow night we'll be totally alone. There shouldn't be students on campus and we'll be at his house, away from any prying eyes and ears. So...what's going to happen? I think it's a good time to tell him about my appointment, but what else? What should I wear to bed? Where will I sleep?
I think I'd like sleeping next to him again. In the cabin on the trip to Carson, we snuggled together all night long and it was wonderful. But there were 4 other people in the room, so it's not like anything was going to happen then. Tomorrow night, there won't be any other people. We could sleep in the same bed if we wanted and wear what we want to wear and do whatever we wanted to do. So what do I want?
Hmmm...
I want to make up for lost time, spend every minute with at least one part of me touching him. Ok, well, except for going to the bathroom and such. Oh, that's another thing! What if he asks me to shower with him again? Do I say yes? I was willing to say yes in the dorm bathroom, but will I say yes when we'll be alone in a bathroom that has a lockable door? God, I don't know...I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when I'm actually there. Just in case though, "Jake" better make that trip to the drugstore for condoms on the way out tomorrow. The pill isn't effective yet and I don't want to take any chances. I reacted once without thinking and it landed us in a huge mess. If I get close to Hamilton and start reacting with my hormones instead of my brain again, we could land in an even bigger mess.
Ok, I have to pack and try to get some sleep. It's a long ride to New Rawley and tomorrow it's going to feel ten times longer than it really is. I can't wait to see Hamilton!!
Sunday, September 17, 2000
Ok, I think I'm ready. All I have to do is throw this into my bag and zip it up. I'm all packed. After much deliberation, I finally decided what girl stuff I wanted to bring (Jake's stuff was a no-brainer). Short shorts and halter-tops. Hamilton will love those and they don't take up much space in the bag. I also stopped by the drugstore when it opened this morning.
Even as Jake, THAT was embarrassing! Almost as embarrassing as the pelvic exam, but not quite - in the "Family Planning" aisle at the drugstore there weren't any stirrups and I was fully dressed. But geez, there are so many kinds to choose from and it's not like you want to stand there and inspect them all. Well...actually I did. I just didn't want anyone to SEE ME inspecting each box. Every time someone walked past me in the aisle, I was sure they were staring at me. And walking to the register with box in hand? God, it was like waving a big red flag that said, "I'm going to have sex!" (Even though that's not the plan for tomorrow.) And of course, the only person working the cash register was this good-looking guy about my age. To him, I was just another guy hoping to get lucky. To me, I was a GIRL paying for CONDOMS right in front of a CUTE guy - EXTREMELY embarrassing! I wonder if he noticed how red my face was? All I have to say is that Hamilton had better appreciate everything I've done for us this past week!
Monday, September 18, 2000
Oh my God, yesterday was amazing! It was so wonderful; there just aren't enough adjectives. I stopped here at the station when I got in and Bella let me shower and change clothes before driving me over to Hamilton's. With one condition...she got to be there when Hamilton opened the door and saw me. I could live with that and it was a priceless moment. When he opened that door...man! So many emotions flashed across his face in the 2 seconds it took before he screamed "Jake?" and picked me up in a huge hug. It was absolutely perfect! Bella was grinning from ear to ear. When Hamilton finally stopped hugging and kissing me long enough to find out how I ended up at his door, he went and hugged her, too.
After she left, we went inside and spent a long time just sitting on the couch, holding hands and staring at each other. It was like we couldn't believe it was for real. It was so nice to see him again, to drown in those gorgeous blue oceans he has for eyes. His eyes are beautiful in pictures, but a picture doesn't even begin to compare to the real thing! I could get lost in them forever.
Eventually, we started talking and I told him more about the trip down and what the plan was for the rest of the week. Then he asked me if I was hungry - which I thought was strange since we hadn't kissed since Bella left. I asked him how he could think about food instead of kissing me - he said he was afraid if he started, he wouldn't want to stop. He missed me as much as I missed him. I told him I'd take my chances with his willpower and pulled him close. The first kiss was so tender and sweet, almost as if he was afraid to kiss me. He just pressed his lips against mine and let them rest there, savoring the contact. But the second one, well...that could only be described as "blazing." And the ones after that...even better than blazing!
But we didn't have to worry about willpower, after all. My stomach intervened by growling loud enough for Hamilton to hear after about 20 minutes. It was rather embarrassing, but I had been too excited to eat this morning and didn't want to stop for anything but gas on the ride down. I had to admit I was starving for more than just Hamilton. We decided to order a pizza and he showed me around the house while we waited for it. I'd never really been here before so it was cool to see what "Hamilton's world" looked like. Over dinner we talked about Finn and what could happen when I see him. Hamilton thinks he'll be back on campus tomorrow, so that doesn't leave me much time to work up the nerve to face him. As we were finishing the pizza, I finally decided to bring up the shower incident. We still had never really discussed it and I thought we should.
It's funny, but as nervous as I was, he was more nervous. He didn't know what to do. He never expected me to say yes. It was just a spur-of-the-moment idea for him. He fully expected me to say no, and that would have been the end of it. The fact that I didn't say no - shocked the hell out of him. He said he just about had a heart attack when I said okay and started getting undressed. He was so surprised that he had no idea what he was going to do once I got in there with him. And once I had my shirt and jeans off, he couldn't think about anything other than "Jake is undressing - right here, right now." It makes me feel better so much better to know he was scared, too.
While we cleaned up from dinner, I was still trying to decide how and when to tell Hamilton about the Pill. Turns out, I didn't have to make that decision, either. As soon as the kitchen was cleaned up, Hamilton took my hand and told me he had something important to show me. I was more than little curious when he led me to his bedroom. He looked nervous as he went to his dresser and pulled out something from the back of a drawer. Before he turned back around, he started to tell me that he had been thinking about something since the shower and they we really needed to talk about it. When he turned around and I saw what was in his hand - a box of condoms - I couldn't help but laugh. At first he looked hurt, he was trying to be responsible about our relationship and I was laughing at him...until I went in my bag and pulled out the pills AND a box of condoms! Then we were both laughing. We sat down on his bed and had a long talk about sex since we were both obviously thinking about it. We agreed that when it happens, it happens. It will feel right at that moment and since we BOTH took the first step by being prepared, we can just let it happen. It made me feel really good that Hamilton was thinking the same things I was about being prepared and cared enough about me to go and buy protection. I knew he cared about me, but that sort of proved it a little more. And he was damn impressed (not to mention surprised) by what I did, so that made me feel even better.
After we were done talking we found ourselves just sitting on the bed staring at each other again. Just looking at each other, memorizing every detail and enjoying being close to each other. After a few minutes, though, I needed more. I needed to kiss him and touch him and wrap myself around him. He felt the same way and before long we were tangled around each other on his bed.
Now, I could be happy kissing Hamilton forever, but it just seemed like the right time to explore new territory. I'd seen him so many times with his shirt off, but rarely got to touch him because there were usually other people around. He looked pleasantly surprised when I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. I took my time and explored all the delicious contours of his chest. Hamilton has an incredible chest. It felt so good to run my hands all over and kiss wherever I wanted to kiss. Of course, to Hamilton that meant that turnabout was fair play and after I had kissed a sensitive spot one too many times, I felt my shirt being pulled off. I didn't resist and I have to say that the skin-to-skin contact was unlike anything else. Like fireworks or sparks, it just sizzled.
And so did Hamilton. I have to say he has amazing hands and even more amazing lips. I never knew I could feel the way he made me feel. I can only hope I made him feel as good, but judging by the sounds he was making - I think I did. By the time we finally came up for air, we were both down to our underwear. Needing to slow down a little, we laid there for a while just holding each other. It was so wonderful being wrapped in his arms, against his body without the usual corset and two layers of shirts in the way. Just being able to touch him and hold him like that was pure heaven.
But it had also gotten to be quite late and the soft caress of his hands and the warmth and security of his arms was suddenly making me want to close my eyes. Hamilton, of course, noticed and asked me if I was tired. I wasn't tired - I was exhausted. I had barely slept the night before from all the excitement of planning the trip and then made the drive from NYC to New Rawley on a motorcycle. I asked him if he would be disappointed if we went to sleep. I thought he'd be upset since things had been so hot and heavy and here I was suddenly switching gears on him. But in true Hamilton fashion, instead of being upset, he made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "Disappointed? Why would I be disappointed? I get to sleep with a beautiful girl in my bed and hold her all night long. It's going to be the best night of my life." I swear, I can't imagine feeling any better than I did at that moment. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Hamilton.
We fell asleep soon after, still in our underwear. This morning, I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to wake up in his arms and feel his whole body still pressed up against me. And I do mean his WHOLE body - Little Hammie was awake before Big Hamilton was. That was a little awkward and embarrassing, but otherwise, it was the most amazing feeling. I could definitely get used to sleeping with him. And I think I like knowing that I have that effect on him. It's cool to know I excite him since most of the time I'm dressed as a guy. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a rush to know I do that to him. Maybe he had the right idea after all when he wanted to move into my room. I laid there enjoying every second of being next to him until he woke up. Then it was his turn to be embarrassed because he realized right away that I was already awake and so was his buddy. Have I mentioned that Hamilton is adorable when he's blushing in 80 shades of red?
After he finally stopped trying to apologize for the way he woke up, he suggested I take a shower first. Since I was desperate to go brush my teeth, I agreed and headed for the bathroom. I left the door slightly open when I got in the shower in case he needed anything and soon enough, he knocked and asked if it was ok for him to come in and get his toothbrush. I told him he could come in and he asked if I was okay with him being in there. I said yes automatically, but then thought about it and I really was okay with him being there. I even started thinking about the last time we were both near a shower. I'd been thinking about what would have happened for two weeks and suddenly I had the chance to find out. Did I want to find out now?
It didn't take me long to decide that I did. I wish I'd had a picture of his face when I poked my head out of the shower curtain and asked him if he'd like to join me. For the second time in as many days, he had the most wonderful, shocked, surprised and happy expression on his face. It was priceless.
It didn't take him long to recover though or get excited again (boxer shorts don't hide much). He asked me if I was sure and I said I was. The smile on his face was about 12 miles wide and his eyes were positively sparkling. I think I stopped breathing as I watched him walk over, take off his boxers and step into the shower, because I know I was breathless when he got in there. What a body! The sight of him completely naked is one hell of a sight! Any previous adolescent thoughts about being grossed out by the sight of a naked male body were immediately banished. My heart was pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it.
Neither one of us was sure what to do next, so we stood there for a minute or so just staring into each other's eyes. We both wanted to look other places, but hadn't quite worked up the nerve, yet. Finally, he broke the ice by saying "hi, boy" - that got us both giggling. Then he kissed me and we started to relax a little. We kissed for a long time, just letting the water run over us and kissing. I love the way he touches my face when he kisses me. It's so tender and sweet, and it makes me feel very feminine. Feeling feminine and pretty is so important since I spent all summer pretending to be a boy.
I think we were both waiting for the other to make the next move, so finally, I jokingly asked "aren't we supposed to use soap in the shower?" He smiled and grabbed the bar of soap and offered to wash my back. It was cute and sweet, but I stopped breathing again as he turned me around and started lathering my shoulders and my back. It felt wonderful, but since I couldn't see his face anymore, now I had to wonder what he was thinking. How did I look to him? I didn't get to tan this summer, so did I look pale and sickly under the bright bathroom lights? Did I look ridiculous with my hair all wet and slicked back? Was he having second thoughts?
I had just about worked myself into a full panic when he pulled me against him and held me. I could feel how excited he was and I could also see his hands shake a little. That helped calm me down again; he was excited but nervous, too. He held me so that my back was against his chest and he started running his soapy hands across my chest. I thought my knees were going to buckle! I reached back and put my hands on to his thighs, just to have something to hold and keep from falling. I can't begin to accurately describe how I felt. Pressed up against him, naked and wet, hearing him whisper my name and moan, his hands all over - it was sensory overload. Every nerve felt like it was on fire. And if the physical pleasure wasn't enough, I've never felt so "wanted" before. God, is that a rush!
Then IT happened.
I felt something hot and wet on my back, but it WASN'T water. I was confused and somewhat startled at first, but then couldn't help but giggle when I realized what had happened. Poor Hamilton, he was so embarrassed. No...he was beyond embarrassed. He was humiliated...mortified...looking for the earth to open up so he could disappear and not have to face me kind of embarrassed! Apparently, Little Hammie decided enough was enough - he wasn't waiting any longer and let go. Hamilton came right there in the shower. He looked like he wanted to die when I turned around. It took some serious convincing just to get him to look at me again, but he finally did. I told him that it made me feel good to know I could affect him in such an intense way. He looked more than a little shy when he asked if he had the same affect on me. I said I was standing in the shower with him, wet and naked, wasn't I?
I probably should have just said, "yes," though. After I said that, he finally smiled and said, "Yes, you are and thank God Finn can't walk in on us this time!" The mention of Finn brought my raging hormones to a screeching halt and all my worries about getting caught, kicked out and never seeing Hamilton again to full speed. It only took a second for Hamilton to realize what he had said and what I was thinking about. He hugged me and told me not to worry, that it would all work out. He said there was no way he was going to let me leave now.
While I was at home, I thought about what Finn could do all the time and I never once cried. But standing there in the shower, on the doorstep of losing my virginity, thinking that Finn could kick me out and I'd never see Hamilton again was too much. I could feel my eyes watering and had to bite my lip to keep them from falling. Hamilton must have realized the moment was over because he turned off the water. Wrapped in towels, we went and sat on his bed. I needed him to just hold me and keep telling me we could find a way for me to stay at Rawley. I apologized for, once again, ruining our big moment. He told me I was being silly, nothing was ruined. He said it had been the most incredible 24 hours of his life and when it was meant to happen, we would take the next step. I asked him what he meant by "meant to happen." Didn't he want to anymore? He replied with a rather enthusiastic "hell, yes!" and put my hand over the rather hard bulge in his towel to prove it. Then he explained that maybe we were rushing things a little right now because we were both afraid I might not be there later. He was right, maybe we were. We talked about it more and agreed that we should wait until after I talk to Finn before taking that final step.
That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot more fun, though! We talked about a lot of things, but most of the day was spent making out and exploring each other. It felt so good to be able to touch, look and explore freely. And not just the obvious places - places like his ankles, too. He has such sexy legs and his bare ankles are just icing on the cake. I could spend hours running my fingertips from his ankles to his thighs, just tracing every curve. And when he does stuff like that to me? Well, it's fireworks better than any Fourth of July. I can totally see why people make such a big deal about sex and stuff.
We finally had to admit that we were starving and since his parents would be home soon, we decided to go eat at the diner. I hated having to go out as a boy again, but it was too risky to go out in my shorts and halter-top. If by some miracle, Finn lets me stay, I didn't want to blow it by getting caught by someone else. After dinner, he walked me to Bella's. We hung out with her for a while before Hamilton had to get home to his parents. It was so hard to let him go after our amazing day together. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to leave Rawley!
So now I'm here at Bella's. I'm writing while she's finishing up some work and then we are going to watch movies and eat popcorn. Somewhere in there I have to work up the courage to face Finn tomorrow. I want to see him as early as possible, too. I need to get this over with so I can stop worrying and start making plans. If he just kicks me out, I need to get into another school quickly. If he turns me in to the school administration, I have to tell my mom about all this before the Dean calls her and Hamilton is going to need to have a long talk with his parents, too. Tomorrow could be one very ugly day.
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feedback: Yes, please.
Rating: R (we're finally getting to the good stuff)
Category: Jake and Hamilton
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up with Jake in NY, but very bored and lonely. Jake plans a surprise for Hamilton with Bella's help.
Spoilers: Kinda pointless now.
Thanks: Thank you to Ev, for always having such great ideas and to everyone who sent feedback on previous DD parts and Hamilton's Journal. Hearing what everyone is thinking helps keep me motivated and inspired.
Note: Since this is FFN, the words in all caps would normally be in italics.
Saturday, September 16, 2000
School doesn't start until Wednesday, but I've had it - I'm going back. I'm not waiting until Wednesday. I'm sick of being alone and not seeing Hamilton. I'm tired of wondering what's happening at Rawley and worrying about what Finn's gonna do to me. I'm going back tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but at least I'll be with Hamilton and I won't have to wait another 4 excruciatingly long days to find out.
Why the sudden change in plans? I finally got to talk to Bella today. We had a really nice, long talk and came up with a great plan. I'm so happy for her, too. They got the station back. Apparently, the trip to Carson wasn't a waste of time after all. Her Mom changed her mind about selling and signed the station over to Bella and Grace. She's still not sure what she wants to do about her Mom, though. Her Mom wants a second chance, but she's not sure she can give that right now. I couldn't help Bella with that one. I have no idea what I'd do if my father suddenly showed up and wanted to be "Dad." I can't begin to imagine how I'd feel, although I do have about a million questions I'd like to ask him. Or maybe just one really big one - "why weren't you here?"
Bella said she's not sure she can ever forgive her mother for leaving. I don't know if I could forgive my father. Honestly, I don't know if there's anything to forgive. For all I know, he doesn't even know about me. I don't really know what happened since Mom never talks about it and I've never really asked. It's always just been the two of us, and Consuela. As a little kid, I never even questioned the lack of a father. I thought everything was perfectly normal until I went into school and saw other kids and their dads and they started asking me where mine was. One of these days, I'm going to ask Mom about him, I just don't know when since it's so hard to have a real conversation with her.
Ok, enough of the depressing stuff; I'm too excited for that right now. Back to the plan Bella and I came up with. I'm alone in New York. Hamilton is alone in New Rawley. My mother is off working, his parents went away for the weekend and Charlie is leaving Monday to go to Boston for three days. Why should we all be alone when we can be together? So...I'm going to leave early tomorrow and surprise Hamilton by showing up at his door! We can spend tomorrow night together since his parents won't be home until Monday night, then I can go to Bella's for Monday and Tuesday. Bella said it should be no problem to get rid of Grace for 2 nights. She's always looking for an excuse to get out of working. Students can check into the dorms on Wednesday, so I just need to pack enough clothes to get through until then. I should be able to fit that much on my bike. I can have all my other stuff ready and waiting for Consuela to ship to the school on Monday. Hopefully, by Wednesday I will have talked to Finn and found out what his plans are for me. But even if he kicks me out, I will still get to see Hamilton and spend one night with him - all alone. I can't wait to see him again. The look on his face when he opens the door should be priceless! God, I'm so excited I can barely sit still.
I have to decide what to bring first since I don't have a lot of room on the bike. Obviously, I need Jake clothes, but when I'm at Hamilton's I want to wear something normal, something that leaves no question as to my true gender. I can't wear anything too girly on the bike, though. Maybe I'll stop at Bella's when I get to town and get cleaned up and changed before I go to Hamilton's. It's a short ride from Bella's to his house; I should be able to make it ok in shorts or something. Or maybe Bella could even drop me off there and I could hide my bike in her garage.
God, I can't wait to see him again, touch him again, kiss him again... I don't know if it's because I miss him so much or because I decided to go on the Pill, but I've had sex on the brain lately. I can't stop thinking about what it will be like. It's not like we're going to DO IT tomorrow night...well...that's not the plan anyway, but what WILL we do? We've never been alone that long before. And in my dorm room, it's not like we were totally alone anyway. We were always thinking about who saw him come in and what they could hear through the door. We always watched what and how much we did for fear of being interrupted or caught. Tomorrow night we'll be totally alone. There shouldn't be students on campus and we'll be at his house, away from any prying eyes and ears. So...what's going to happen? I think it's a good time to tell him about my appointment, but what else? What should I wear to bed? Where will I sleep?
I think I'd like sleeping next to him again. In the cabin on the trip to Carson, we snuggled together all night long and it was wonderful. But there were 4 other people in the room, so it's not like anything was going to happen then. Tomorrow night, there won't be any other people. We could sleep in the same bed if we wanted and wear what we want to wear and do whatever we wanted to do. So what do I want?
Hmmm...
I want to make up for lost time, spend every minute with at least one part of me touching him. Ok, well, except for going to the bathroom and such. Oh, that's another thing! What if he asks me to shower with him again? Do I say yes? I was willing to say yes in the dorm bathroom, but will I say yes when we'll be alone in a bathroom that has a lockable door? God, I don't know...I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when I'm actually there. Just in case though, "Jake" better make that trip to the drugstore for condoms on the way out tomorrow. The pill isn't effective yet and I don't want to take any chances. I reacted once without thinking and it landed us in a huge mess. If I get close to Hamilton and start reacting with my hormones instead of my brain again, we could land in an even bigger mess.
Ok, I have to pack and try to get some sleep. It's a long ride to New Rawley and tomorrow it's going to feel ten times longer than it really is. I can't wait to see Hamilton!!
Sunday, September 17, 2000
Ok, I think I'm ready. All I have to do is throw this into my bag and zip it up. I'm all packed. After much deliberation, I finally decided what girl stuff I wanted to bring (Jake's stuff was a no-brainer). Short shorts and halter-tops. Hamilton will love those and they don't take up much space in the bag. I also stopped by the drugstore when it opened this morning.
Even as Jake, THAT was embarrassing! Almost as embarrassing as the pelvic exam, but not quite - in the "Family Planning" aisle at the drugstore there weren't any stirrups and I was fully dressed. But geez, there are so many kinds to choose from and it's not like you want to stand there and inspect them all. Well...actually I did. I just didn't want anyone to SEE ME inspecting each box. Every time someone walked past me in the aisle, I was sure they were staring at me. And walking to the register with box in hand? God, it was like waving a big red flag that said, "I'm going to have sex!" (Even though that's not the plan for tomorrow.) And of course, the only person working the cash register was this good-looking guy about my age. To him, I was just another guy hoping to get lucky. To me, I was a GIRL paying for CONDOMS right in front of a CUTE guy - EXTREMELY embarrassing! I wonder if he noticed how red my face was? All I have to say is that Hamilton had better appreciate everything I've done for us this past week!
Monday, September 18, 2000
Oh my God, yesterday was amazing! It was so wonderful; there just aren't enough adjectives. I stopped here at the station when I got in and Bella let me shower and change clothes before driving me over to Hamilton's. With one condition...she got to be there when Hamilton opened the door and saw me. I could live with that and it was a priceless moment. When he opened that door...man! So many emotions flashed across his face in the 2 seconds it took before he screamed "Jake?" and picked me up in a huge hug. It was absolutely perfect! Bella was grinning from ear to ear. When Hamilton finally stopped hugging and kissing me long enough to find out how I ended up at his door, he went and hugged her, too.
After she left, we went inside and spent a long time just sitting on the couch, holding hands and staring at each other. It was like we couldn't believe it was for real. It was so nice to see him again, to drown in those gorgeous blue oceans he has for eyes. His eyes are beautiful in pictures, but a picture doesn't even begin to compare to the real thing! I could get lost in them forever.
Eventually, we started talking and I told him more about the trip down and what the plan was for the rest of the week. Then he asked me if I was hungry - which I thought was strange since we hadn't kissed since Bella left. I asked him how he could think about food instead of kissing me - he said he was afraid if he started, he wouldn't want to stop. He missed me as much as I missed him. I told him I'd take my chances with his willpower and pulled him close. The first kiss was so tender and sweet, almost as if he was afraid to kiss me. He just pressed his lips against mine and let them rest there, savoring the contact. But the second one, well...that could only be described as "blazing." And the ones after that...even better than blazing!
But we didn't have to worry about willpower, after all. My stomach intervened by growling loud enough for Hamilton to hear after about 20 minutes. It was rather embarrassing, but I had been too excited to eat this morning and didn't want to stop for anything but gas on the ride down. I had to admit I was starving for more than just Hamilton. We decided to order a pizza and he showed me around the house while we waited for it. I'd never really been here before so it was cool to see what "Hamilton's world" looked like. Over dinner we talked about Finn and what could happen when I see him. Hamilton thinks he'll be back on campus tomorrow, so that doesn't leave me much time to work up the nerve to face him. As we were finishing the pizza, I finally decided to bring up the shower incident. We still had never really discussed it and I thought we should.
It's funny, but as nervous as I was, he was more nervous. He didn't know what to do. He never expected me to say yes. It was just a spur-of-the-moment idea for him. He fully expected me to say no, and that would have been the end of it. The fact that I didn't say no - shocked the hell out of him. He said he just about had a heart attack when I said okay and started getting undressed. He was so surprised that he had no idea what he was going to do once I got in there with him. And once I had my shirt and jeans off, he couldn't think about anything other than "Jake is undressing - right here, right now." It makes me feel better so much better to know he was scared, too.
While we cleaned up from dinner, I was still trying to decide how and when to tell Hamilton about the Pill. Turns out, I didn't have to make that decision, either. As soon as the kitchen was cleaned up, Hamilton took my hand and told me he had something important to show me. I was more than little curious when he led me to his bedroom. He looked nervous as he went to his dresser and pulled out something from the back of a drawer. Before he turned back around, he started to tell me that he had been thinking about something since the shower and they we really needed to talk about it. When he turned around and I saw what was in his hand - a box of condoms - I couldn't help but laugh. At first he looked hurt, he was trying to be responsible about our relationship and I was laughing at him...until I went in my bag and pulled out the pills AND a box of condoms! Then we were both laughing. We sat down on his bed and had a long talk about sex since we were both obviously thinking about it. We agreed that when it happens, it happens. It will feel right at that moment and since we BOTH took the first step by being prepared, we can just let it happen. It made me feel really good that Hamilton was thinking the same things I was about being prepared and cared enough about me to go and buy protection. I knew he cared about me, but that sort of proved it a little more. And he was damn impressed (not to mention surprised) by what I did, so that made me feel even better.
After we were done talking we found ourselves just sitting on the bed staring at each other again. Just looking at each other, memorizing every detail and enjoying being close to each other. After a few minutes, though, I needed more. I needed to kiss him and touch him and wrap myself around him. He felt the same way and before long we were tangled around each other on his bed.
Now, I could be happy kissing Hamilton forever, but it just seemed like the right time to explore new territory. I'd seen him so many times with his shirt off, but rarely got to touch him because there were usually other people around. He looked pleasantly surprised when I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. I took my time and explored all the delicious contours of his chest. Hamilton has an incredible chest. It felt so good to run my hands all over and kiss wherever I wanted to kiss. Of course, to Hamilton that meant that turnabout was fair play and after I had kissed a sensitive spot one too many times, I felt my shirt being pulled off. I didn't resist and I have to say that the skin-to-skin contact was unlike anything else. Like fireworks or sparks, it just sizzled.
And so did Hamilton. I have to say he has amazing hands and even more amazing lips. I never knew I could feel the way he made me feel. I can only hope I made him feel as good, but judging by the sounds he was making - I think I did. By the time we finally came up for air, we were both down to our underwear. Needing to slow down a little, we laid there for a while just holding each other. It was so wonderful being wrapped in his arms, against his body without the usual corset and two layers of shirts in the way. Just being able to touch him and hold him like that was pure heaven.
But it had also gotten to be quite late and the soft caress of his hands and the warmth and security of his arms was suddenly making me want to close my eyes. Hamilton, of course, noticed and asked me if I was tired. I wasn't tired - I was exhausted. I had barely slept the night before from all the excitement of planning the trip and then made the drive from NYC to New Rawley on a motorcycle. I asked him if he would be disappointed if we went to sleep. I thought he'd be upset since things had been so hot and heavy and here I was suddenly switching gears on him. But in true Hamilton fashion, instead of being upset, he made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "Disappointed? Why would I be disappointed? I get to sleep with a beautiful girl in my bed and hold her all night long. It's going to be the best night of my life." I swear, I can't imagine feeling any better than I did at that moment. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Hamilton.
We fell asleep soon after, still in our underwear. This morning, I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to wake up in his arms and feel his whole body still pressed up against me. And I do mean his WHOLE body - Little Hammie was awake before Big Hamilton was. That was a little awkward and embarrassing, but otherwise, it was the most amazing feeling. I could definitely get used to sleeping with him. And I think I like knowing that I have that effect on him. It's cool to know I excite him since most of the time I'm dressed as a guy. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a rush to know I do that to him. Maybe he had the right idea after all when he wanted to move into my room. I laid there enjoying every second of being next to him until he woke up. Then it was his turn to be embarrassed because he realized right away that I was already awake and so was his buddy. Have I mentioned that Hamilton is adorable when he's blushing in 80 shades of red?
After he finally stopped trying to apologize for the way he woke up, he suggested I take a shower first. Since I was desperate to go brush my teeth, I agreed and headed for the bathroom. I left the door slightly open when I got in the shower in case he needed anything and soon enough, he knocked and asked if it was ok for him to come in and get his toothbrush. I told him he could come in and he asked if I was okay with him being in there. I said yes automatically, but then thought about it and I really was okay with him being there. I even started thinking about the last time we were both near a shower. I'd been thinking about what would have happened for two weeks and suddenly I had the chance to find out. Did I want to find out now?
It didn't take me long to decide that I did. I wish I'd had a picture of his face when I poked my head out of the shower curtain and asked him if he'd like to join me. For the second time in as many days, he had the most wonderful, shocked, surprised and happy expression on his face. It was priceless.
It didn't take him long to recover though or get excited again (boxer shorts don't hide much). He asked me if I was sure and I said I was. The smile on his face was about 12 miles wide and his eyes were positively sparkling. I think I stopped breathing as I watched him walk over, take off his boxers and step into the shower, because I know I was breathless when he got in there. What a body! The sight of him completely naked is one hell of a sight! Any previous adolescent thoughts about being grossed out by the sight of a naked male body were immediately banished. My heart was pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it.
Neither one of us was sure what to do next, so we stood there for a minute or so just staring into each other's eyes. We both wanted to look other places, but hadn't quite worked up the nerve, yet. Finally, he broke the ice by saying "hi, boy" - that got us both giggling. Then he kissed me and we started to relax a little. We kissed for a long time, just letting the water run over us and kissing. I love the way he touches my face when he kisses me. It's so tender and sweet, and it makes me feel very feminine. Feeling feminine and pretty is so important since I spent all summer pretending to be a boy.
I think we were both waiting for the other to make the next move, so finally, I jokingly asked "aren't we supposed to use soap in the shower?" He smiled and grabbed the bar of soap and offered to wash my back. It was cute and sweet, but I stopped breathing again as he turned me around and started lathering my shoulders and my back. It felt wonderful, but since I couldn't see his face anymore, now I had to wonder what he was thinking. How did I look to him? I didn't get to tan this summer, so did I look pale and sickly under the bright bathroom lights? Did I look ridiculous with my hair all wet and slicked back? Was he having second thoughts?
I had just about worked myself into a full panic when he pulled me against him and held me. I could feel how excited he was and I could also see his hands shake a little. That helped calm me down again; he was excited but nervous, too. He held me so that my back was against his chest and he started running his soapy hands across my chest. I thought my knees were going to buckle! I reached back and put my hands on to his thighs, just to have something to hold and keep from falling. I can't begin to accurately describe how I felt. Pressed up against him, naked and wet, hearing him whisper my name and moan, his hands all over - it was sensory overload. Every nerve felt like it was on fire. And if the physical pleasure wasn't enough, I've never felt so "wanted" before. God, is that a rush!
Then IT happened.
I felt something hot and wet on my back, but it WASN'T water. I was confused and somewhat startled at first, but then couldn't help but giggle when I realized what had happened. Poor Hamilton, he was so embarrassed. No...he was beyond embarrassed. He was humiliated...mortified...looking for the earth to open up so he could disappear and not have to face me kind of embarrassed! Apparently, Little Hammie decided enough was enough - he wasn't waiting any longer and let go. Hamilton came right there in the shower. He looked like he wanted to die when I turned around. It took some serious convincing just to get him to look at me again, but he finally did. I told him that it made me feel good to know I could affect him in such an intense way. He looked more than a little shy when he asked if he had the same affect on me. I said I was standing in the shower with him, wet and naked, wasn't I?
I probably should have just said, "yes," though. After I said that, he finally smiled and said, "Yes, you are and thank God Finn can't walk in on us this time!" The mention of Finn brought my raging hormones to a screeching halt and all my worries about getting caught, kicked out and never seeing Hamilton again to full speed. It only took a second for Hamilton to realize what he had said and what I was thinking about. He hugged me and told me not to worry, that it would all work out. He said there was no way he was going to let me leave now.
While I was at home, I thought about what Finn could do all the time and I never once cried. But standing there in the shower, on the doorstep of losing my virginity, thinking that Finn could kick me out and I'd never see Hamilton again was too much. I could feel my eyes watering and had to bite my lip to keep them from falling. Hamilton must have realized the moment was over because he turned off the water. Wrapped in towels, we went and sat on his bed. I needed him to just hold me and keep telling me we could find a way for me to stay at Rawley. I apologized for, once again, ruining our big moment. He told me I was being silly, nothing was ruined. He said it had been the most incredible 24 hours of his life and when it was meant to happen, we would take the next step. I asked him what he meant by "meant to happen." Didn't he want to anymore? He replied with a rather enthusiastic "hell, yes!" and put my hand over the rather hard bulge in his towel to prove it. Then he explained that maybe we were rushing things a little right now because we were both afraid I might not be there later. He was right, maybe we were. We talked about it more and agreed that we should wait until after I talk to Finn before taking that final step.
That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot more fun, though! We talked about a lot of things, but most of the day was spent making out and exploring each other. It felt so good to be able to touch, look and explore freely. And not just the obvious places - places like his ankles, too. He has such sexy legs and his bare ankles are just icing on the cake. I could spend hours running my fingertips from his ankles to his thighs, just tracing every curve. And when he does stuff like that to me? Well, it's fireworks better than any Fourth of July. I can totally see why people make such a big deal about sex and stuff.
We finally had to admit that we were starving and since his parents would be home soon, we decided to go eat at the diner. I hated having to go out as a boy again, but it was too risky to go out in my shorts and halter-top. If by some miracle, Finn lets me stay, I didn't want to blow it by getting caught by someone else. After dinner, he walked me to Bella's. We hung out with her for a while before Hamilton had to get home to his parents. It was so hard to let him go after our amazing day together. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to leave Rawley!
So now I'm here at Bella's. I'm writing while she's finishing up some work and then we are going to watch movies and eat popcorn. Somewhere in there I have to work up the courage to face Finn tomorrow. I want to see him as early as possible, too. I need to get this over with so I can stop worrying and start making plans. If he just kicks me out, I need to get into another school quickly. If he turns me in to the school administration, I have to tell my mom about all this before the Dean calls her and Hamilton is going to need to have a long talk with his parents, too. Tomorrow could be one very ugly day.