Author's Note: I've
always said that Charlie Weasley is the Wizarding World's answer to Steve
Irwin. Ergot…my Charlie Weasley Worship
Fic, based on Crocodile Hunter. (:
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT
own "Crocodile Hunter", or Steve Irwin.
Terry Irwin and Bindi own Steve…and Steve owns his show! I ALSO do not own any of the HP
characters…alas, not even Charlie! JKR
does. As for if anyone owns JKR…I won't
speculate.
*****
Dragon Hunter
*Theme
music plays, and a garish "Dragon Hunter: with Charlie Weasley" logo flashes on
the screen. Shots of Charlie running
through the desert after huge lizards, trudging through volcanoes in search of
salamanders, and squishing through nasty swamps looking for water dragonets
flash during the trumpeting theme song, whose only words appear to be "Dragon
Hunter!" The Scene opens with Charlie
Weasley in khaki robes, that on anyone else would look ridiculous…but somehow
Charlie makes 'em look dang sexy. He's
crouching among a thick forest, his hand resting on the roots of a tree. He grins brightly and begins to speak*
"G'day and
welcome to this episode of Dragon Hunter!" For somer eason Charlie has a
barely-believable Aussie accent. "For
those of ye just startin' to watch, I'm Charlie Weasley, and I've devoted me
life to protectin' and preservin' these beautiful and wonderful creatures. Today we're in Romania, lookin' in on a few
of me dragon buddies. Here in the
Romanian Dragon Sanctuary is the best place to find 'em! It's the only place where humans are safe
from dragons…an' more imp'ortanly, they're safe from us! Today on the
mage-o-cam is me best mate, 'Agrid! Oy,
'Agrid, where are ya?"
"Right
'ere, Charlie!" Hagrid booms, walking through (literally) a group of small
trees. "Ready te go?"
"Been
waitin' on ye, mate!" Charlie replies cheerfully.
*The next
scene is of Charlie skulking through the woods, approaching a clearing. He
looks over his shoulder, and gestures as they approach a clearing.*
"Now," he
says in a whisper, glancing over his shoulder and back into the clearing "'ere
we've got a 'Ungarian Orntail and 'er 'atchlings! Get a shot, 'Agrid!"
*Hagrid
zooms the mage-o-cam in on the imposing dragon and her squealing babies, all of
whom are gruesomely mangling the body of an imported elephant.*
"Easy
now…this is the very same dragon that nearly got 'Arry in the Triwizard
Tournament last year. Isn't she a
beauty? I call this one Percy, because
she's big, a little full of herself and totally full o' wind…kinda like me
little brother. Crikey, hasn't she got
a lot of hatchlin's! Ye're a good mum,
aren'tcha Percy?" Charlie has been edging closer to the feeding dragon while he
talks, and pats her on the tail much like a pet dog. She doesn't seem to notice. "But look…one of the little rippers
is wanderin' off! C'mon 'Agrid! We gotta go catch the little sweet'eart
before she gets hurt!"
*Next shot
is herky-jerky, obviously taken with Hagrid at a full run, his steps too
massive for even the mage-o-cam to stabilize the movement fully. Charlie is bolting after the baby dragon,
his ludicrous (but still so sexy) khaki robes flapping in the wind, showing his
legs up to the knees. He finally gets
close to the running hatchling, and leaps through the air like a pro wrestler,
and body-slams the little dragon to the ground. The baby, of course, is not happy and starts putting up a
horrible fight.*
"Now"
Charlie continues while still wrestling the extremely strong baby dragon who is
beginning to snarl and try to bite Charlie's hands off "this little nipper's
just a mite, but she's still mighty tough!
She don't know I'm tryin' to help her.
There there Sweet'eart…maybe I'll call ye Molly…yer real feisty, like me
mum."
*Finally,
after quite a struggle, he gets the dragon subdued, while the camera heaves from
Hagrid's panting for breath. The baby
lays in his arms, just as docile as you please…apparently tired out. Charlie's arms are bleeding, and his face is
gashed just below the left eye. He
looks, in fact, much like he's had the world's worst shaving accident. He merely smiles, and ignores the fact that
he's bleeding all over his khaki robes.*
"Allright,
'Agrid?" he asks. "Zoom in close so we
can get a good shot on this little darlin'."
*The dragon
is actually three steps from unbearably hideous. It still has a huge egg tooth, almost the size of a beak, on the
end of its' nose. Its' eyes are covered
in scaly, crusty lids, and it appears to be close to its' first skin
molting…bits of white skin are hanging off of it like a liche's flesh.*
"Ya Charlie,
she's a beaut. Looks like she's going
to shed soon…" Hagrid's voice tears up. "I remember when Norbert first shed his
skin…I still 'ave it…"
"I know ye
miss 'im 'Agrid…but it was for the best.
Now I know I look a little beat up…but I tell ye, I'm lucky this little
nipper don't breathe fire yet! Let's
take her back to her mum…Percy should be almost done with dinner and asleep by
now."
*Charlie
takes the exhausted baby dragon back to the clearing with its' mother and
siblings. "Percy", the mother Horntail,
is asleep, as Charlie had predicted.
Charlie silently snuck up to where the other hatchlings were curled up
together, and put little "Molly" in their midst. With a fond smile, he and Hagrid tiptoe off.*
"Now,
'Agrid…" Charlie begins in a whisper as the two stand at the edge of another
clearing. "I got a surprise for ye. So
you have to close your eyes as we walk into the clearing…I'll tell ye when to
open 'em. Right?"
"Right,
Charlie." Hagrid agrees.
*Together
they walk into the clearing where a humongous green and brown Norwegian
Ridgeback is basking in the sun, with a smaller green and gold female by his
side. Charlie's voice comes through as
voiceover: "What 'Agrid doesn't know is that I've tracked down Norbert for
him…and he's got himself a real beauty of a girlfriend!" Together, they tiptoe a little further into
the clearing, but not so close that the basking dragons will feel threatened.*
"Right,
'Agrid…open yer eyes." Charlie says, a
huge grin on his face.
*Hagrid
opens his eyes, and immediately they fill with big, wobbly tears. He sniffles, rubs his eyes in disbelief, and
takes off at a run towards the two dragons before Charlie can blink*
"NORBERRRRRTTT!!!!!!"
he sobs, his arms open to give his scaly baby a hug. "Mummy's come to see you!"
*Norbert
and his girl wake up. Norbert blinks his huge reptilian eyes, and fires a
tremendous gout of fire at Hagrid!
While Hagrid stands there, looking singed and terribly distraught, the
two dragons fly away. Charlie's
voiceover narrative is heard again.
"You can imagine my shock and my pain for me mate 'Agrid. But o'course Norbert didn't know him…he was
just a wee nipper when Hagrid hatched him…and in fact we'd had to put a memory
charm on him so he'd act like a wild dragon.
Suppose I probably shoulda told 'm that part…" Hagrid begins to cry, huge tears rolling down his bearded face.*
"But…"
Hagrid sniffles. "I thought he'd know me…"
"C'mon
mate." Charlie says, patting as close to Hagrid's shoulder as he can
manage. "I'll Apparate us back to town
and buy ye a bucket of stout."
*As a few
shots of the beautiful Romanian countryside and the dragons cross the screen,
Charlie gets one more narrative: "Me mate 'Agrid learned an important lesson
today. No matter how much we love these
creatures, they're wild. So if ye ever
encounter a dragon, keep that in mind…and RUN!
Or better, Apparate! Fly, do
whatever ye have to…just get away!
Leave the preservation of these wonderful creatures to those of us what
know how to NOT be their next snack." A
variant on the theme song plays, also containing only trumpety type music and
the words "Dragon Hunter!", and the closing credits roll.*
