Well, it's a multi-chapter introspective now: several male LEP officers are dickheads; Lili attempts to get Holly to eat lunch; Holly reflects on her prejudices. Also sex (nothing graphic). And this was supposed to be such a short, straight-forward one-shot...

Chapter 3

Holly made a face at the half-finished report on her screen and rubbed her eyes. Lately, it seemed that she spent all her time squinting. The past month, she'd been stalking the halls of the LEP headquarters like a near-sighted fury, eyes narrowed as she tried to catch her coworkers in the act of manhandling her girlfriend.

Of course, this was not a very effective strategy, especially since she and Lili rarely crossed paths at work. For a long time, the closest she came to wreaking vengeance was pretending to trip and knocking Corporal Mosswort into the water cooler. Happily, the water cooler was an enthusiastic collaborator and promptly tipped off its stand and fell, soaking Mosswort, Holly, and Lili - whom Mosswort had been trying to chat up. Apparently unable to read body-language, Mosswort hadn't realised that Lili checking her messages while he talked meant she wasn't interested.

"Yeah, I'm really just not interested in going to a crunchball game with you." Lili tried again in plain Gnommish, another language Mosswort seemed incapable of deciphering despite the gift of tongues.

In response, the corporal leaned an arm on the wall, effectively trapping Lili in the corner of the room.

It was at this point that Holly walked in. Taking in the scene, she pretended (not very convincingly) to stumble, and hit Mosswort squarely in the chest with her shoulder.

"Oops," Holly deadpanned as the elf grunted and toppled backwards. "My shoelaces must have come untied."

But by then the cooler had hit the floor—as it were—and Mosswort was too preoccupied to point out that her regulation boots had no laces.

"Subtle," said Lili as she dripped onto the linoleum.

Holly ran a hand through her sopping hair and had the decency to look sheepish.

"I suppose it doesn't make much difference, anyway," Lili shrugged, ringing water from her ponytail. "I'm always wet when you're around."

In the process of stepping over a groaning Mosswort, Holly tripped again, this time much less intentionally.

"Careful, Major," Lili Frond smiled, watching her. "You're blushing."

"It's lunch time." A voice interrupted her reverie.

Holly looked up from her screen, frowning at the interruption. When she saw who it was, she smiled. "I've got—"

"No," Lili cut her off, arms akimbo. "Don't even try."

"But—"

"It'll all still be there in an hour, so come on. We're getting lunch. You, like all mammals, need to eat regularly."

"An hour?" Holly looked horrified. "Lili, I—"

But there was no arguing with Lili's narrowed eyes. Letting her sentence wither on the vine, Holly got up.

Lili grinned. She even skipped a few steps as they made their way to the canteen, which made Holly work hard to suppress a smile. Neither took the other's hand, but both wished the other would.

"I would have eaten," Holly insisted, belatedly, as they made their way to a table at the back of the cafeteria. "Really, I would have."

Lili said nothing, just raised an eloquent eyebrow.

Holly plopped her tray down and glared at the crowd behind them. Though nobody would meet her eye, she felt sure everyone was watching them. She knew what it felt like to have people's eyes on her, and she was getting the same tingly feeling now. With one hand, she reached for her spoon, eating her cricket fricassee without looking.

This approach ended, predictably, with her getting sauce on her uniform. Sighing, Holly wiped her front with a napkin and took another bite. "And honestly I'd much rather be eating—"

"Me out?" Lili chirped innocently.

Holly choked her fricassee. "I was going to say 'at my desk'," she managed, once she'd cleared her airways of half-chewed cricket. Lunch was not turning out to be a relaxing experience for her.

Lili flipped her hair over one shoulder and nibbled a spinach leaf. "If only you had an office with a door. Then you could do both."

"Sto-op," Holly coughed, thumping herself on the chest. "This slop is hard enough to eat as it is."

Lili hooked a foot around Holly's ankle and tugged gently. "Well maybe if you looked at it while you ate it…"

Holly made a face but turned back to her food. She made it through the rest of her entrée without mishap.

"I suppose—" with deep misgiving, Holly contemplated a cup of something that was supposedly carrot cake "—there's always the bathrooms." Hesitantly, she prodded the cake with her spoon. "Nobody uses ours but us."

Lili paused, forkful of mango halfway to her mouth. "Holly Short," she put down the fork. "Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"

"Knowing you, yes," said Holly without looking up from her dessert. Giving the substance one last experimental poke, she risked a mouthful. Her gag reflex activated immediately.

"To be honest," she screwed up her face as she forced it down, "I thought that I'd aged out of bathroom sex."

"And yet here we are." Lili watched these dramatics with her head cocked to one side.

"And yet here we are," Holly agreed, pushing the dessert cup as far away from her as she could.

For a moment, they sat in silence, Holly forlornly contemplating her dessert, Lili happily contemplating her girlfriend.

"Well, if that's the case…" Lili inspected the end of her ponytail for split ends. Obviously there were none. "What are you doing right now?

Holly looked up. Blinked. Smiled a crooked smile that bypassed Lili's heart completely and went straight to her loins.

"Hoping for dessert," she replied.

Lili grinned.

"Hey, hey, look over there," Corporal Bril Mosswort elbowed Corporal Kelp in the ribs. "That's gotta be a first."

Pouting, Grub rubbed his ribs. "Be careful. Your elbows are really sharp!"

"You're missing the point," Mosswort rolled his eyes.

Grub grabbed a tray and grimaced at the canteen's lunch offerings. "Yeah, so Frond and Short are eating together. What's the big deal?"

"Oh, I don't know. They only hate each other's guts." Mosswort leaned over Grub's shoulder and prodded a lumpy stew labelled 'cricket fricassee'. It bore an unfortunate resemblance to sick. "Do you remember the impressions of Lili that Holly used to do in basic training? Brutal."

"Well, maybe they're mending fences," Trouble joined the queue. "You know, in the name of solidarity or whatever."

"Solidarity? Those two?" Mosswort snorted. "Nah. Wait, no, now look. They're leaving together."

"I wish Lili would eat lunch with me," Captain Beeches Snoot joined them, whacking his tray onto the counter.

"Well if you weren't always such a dickhead to her, maybe she would," Trouble pointed out, not unfairly.

"What? When am I ever a dickhead to Frond?"

"Do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?" the commander replied.

Mosswort elbowed his friend and commanding officer. "Ah, come on. Snoot's a charmer."

"That's one word for it."

"Who's side are you on, Trouble?"

Kelp frowned. "Honestly, right now? Not yours."

"If she didn't like it, she'd've said something," Snoot slopped crickets into his bowl without hesitating.

"I mean, she does tell you to frond off all the time," Grub pointed out.

"She does?" Trouble frowned.

"Yeah, but she doesn't mean it," Snoot insisted.

This gave Trouble pause. He had always thought the same as Snoot but, suddenly, he wasn't so sure. For the first time, he was wondering to whom, exactly, would Lili have said something if she were unhappy? To him, Snoot's friend? Or to Sool, his predecessor? To Root? He frowned. It was occurring to him, there in the lunch queue, that, were he Lili, none of these would seem like particularly good options.

"You know, Short nearly took me out in the break room the other day, crazy bi—" Mosswort looked at Trouble. "Bimbo," he finished.

Trouble raised an eyebrow. "What happened?"

Mosswort shrugged. "I was talking to Frond, coincidentally. And suddenly there was Short. She just charged right into me and knocked me over. Said she tripped." He didn't mention the watercooler breaking as that seemed irrelevant and, more importantly, embarrassing.

"Was that the day you came back to your desk soaking wet?" Grub frowned.

Mosswort pursed his lips. "Yes."

"What happened? She knock you into a lake?" Trouble snickered.

"I don't want to talk about it," Mosswort made a show of looking over the salad options.

"Really?" Trouble raised his eyebrows. "Because just a minute ago you seemed pretty keen to."

But even as he said it, he realised that - unlike Lili's various commanding officers - Holly Short might seem like a very good option.

While Trouble was having his epiphany, Holly was having one of her own.

"You know," she murmured, the tip of her nose in the hollow below Lili's left ear, "I'm starting to think—" one hand tightened its grip to keep Lili's leg around her waist, the other slick and busy below Lili's skirt "—this whole lunch break scheme—" Lili's hands scrabbled at the tiled wall, trying to find purchase as she tightened around Holly's fingers "—isn't actually such a bad idea."

Unfortunately, Lili was too busy orgasming to hear her.

Later, sitting on the counter between the sinks, Holly let Lili arrange her uniform. "Why do they let you come in wearing civilian clothes, anyway?" she asked, hands on Lili's hips. "I mean, I'm not complaining," her fingers hooked into the band of Lili's skirt, "just…wondering."

Lili's smile was dry. "Because I'm decorative, darling," she replied, brushing Holly's fringe to one side. "And also because I feel like an idiot putting on some kitted-out jumpsuit just to send emails. So, when Trouble took me on as his assistant, I asked him if I could just come in civvies. I'm more comfortable, even if people do take it as an invitation to comment."

"Why do you stay if people are such dicks?"

"They're not all dicks," Lili shrugged a shoulder. "And I'd rather work here than as a secretary in one of my father's companies. It's even worse there, trust me. At least here I can be as condescending as I like. There, they'd expect me to play nice."

"And they never take the hint?" Holly frowned.

"The boys here?" Lili snorted. "Could you imagine Chix Verbil taking a hint?"

"No," Holly screwed up her face. "He even tried it out on with me a few times."

"And how did that go?"

"Poorly."

"For him, I assume."

Holly smirked.

"Besides," Lili smoothed Holly's collar unnecessarily, "you're here. Why would I want to go anywhere else?"

It was Holly's turn to bite her lip.

That evening, Artemis found a message from Holly that was just one long wailing ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. When he heard it, the young man chuckled.

"Good news?" Butler looked up from his novel.

"Holly's in love," said his charge, topping up their tea cups.

"Oh, well that is nice," the enormous man replied, settling himself more comfortably in his armchair and sipping his tea.

"Yes, I thought so too."

It would be several more months before Holly got into any real trouble on Lili's behalf.

"I can only say it so many different ways, Chix. I'm not going to dinner with you." Lili shouldered past the insistent sprite and kept walking.

"Aw, come on, Lili. Is it because of my wing? You ableist now?"

Lili gave him a withering look over one shoulder, but didn't stop walking.

"Seriously, Lili. You have something better to do tonight?" Beeches Snoot peeled away from their group of friends and joined Verbil in trailing her down the hall.

Lili jabbed the elevator button. "Yes. The laundry."

"Ouch," said Grub, poking his head over the top of his cubicle.

"Shut up, Grub."

"Or maybe she's already seeing someone?" Grub replied waspishly.

"Ooh, is that true, Frond?" Chix leaned against the wall next to the elevator. "Say it isn't so! You're breaking my heart!"

Lili rolled her eyes and willed the elevator to move faster. "I don't need to be seeing anyone to not want to see you, Chix."

"Oooh," said Grub.

"Come on, man," Snoot snapped at him.

Grub pouted.

The elevator dinged, and Lili rushed forward - only to walk straight into Holly and Trouble.

"Hey," Holly's hands were warm on her bare arms, steadying her. "What's the ru—" She caught sight of Chix and Beeches and frowned.

"I'm late with some forms," said Lili, wishing she could put her head down on Holly's shoulder, just for a moment. "I have to get them to the Council before they break for lunch."

"You deliver them in person?" Holly raised an eyebrow, a smile hovering in the corner of her lips. She hadn't let go of Lili's arms.

"You say this like I have a choice, Holly," Lili blew out her fringe, momentarily forgetting they had an audience. "If I don't walk them through it, and then stand there, waiting for each of them to sign, they'll just toss them."

"Sounds about right," Trouble grumbled.

"And what about these three stooges?" Holly jutted her chin at Chix, Beeches, and Grub. "They helping you?"

"Hardly. Chivalry is dead, didn't you hear?"

"Whaddya mean?" Chix put his hands on his hips. "I'm gonna pay for dinner."

"I said I'm not interested," Lili snapped over her shoulder.

"Aw, Lili, don't be—"

"She said she wasn't interested," Holly cut him off.

"Just because you don't want a piece of this fine body, Short, doesn't mean—"

"Oh, shut up, Chix," said Holly. Letting go of Lili, she slid between her and Chix, fingers drumming an eloquent tattoo on her buzzbaton.

"Make me," Chix pouted. "You're such a cockblo—"

"Holly!" Trouble caught Holly's arm in mid-flight, keeping her from zapping Chix across the nose. Glaring, Holly tugged her arm free.

"Are you insane? You can't go around accosting other officers, Holly!" Trouble put his hands on his hips.

"But I'm the crazy girlie captain, remember?" Holly rolled her eyes.

"Holly—"

"They're the ones accosting other officers," she pointed a finger at Verbil and Snoot.

Trouble pinched the bridge of his nose. "That may be so. But assaulting them is not how to deal with it, Holly. Surely even you can see that?"

"All I can see is you not dealing with it," Holly snapped. Turning back to Lili, she slid a hand under the other woman's elbow. "Come on. I'll help you wrangle the Council."

"That's awfully nice of you," Lili fluttered her eyelashes. "I don't suppose I could interest you in lunch afterwards, could I?"

Holly's response was lost as the elevator doors tinged shut behind them.

"Well," Grub mused from on high, "maybe chivalry isn't dead after all."

"Oh shut up, Grub," groaned his brother.

"I just feel like I should have noticed," Holly admitted.

"Noticed what?" Artemis was crossing the Atlantic and the connection wasn't always clear.

"That Lili doesn't like the way the guys treat her. I mean, I did, sometimes, you know, think she seemed a bit—" Holly ran a hand through her hair. "But I always just brushed it off. I thought she wanted the attention. I thought women like that always wanted—" She made a face at her reflection in the window. "I never stopped to actually look at her or think about all those little things that didn't add up. I just saw what I expected to see, like everyone else. I'm as bad as the rest of them."

"I seriously doubt that," Artemis said mildly. "What's happened?"

"What makes you think something's happened?"

"You're upset, but none of this is new information. Ergo, something has happened to make you reflect on it."

Holly sighed loudly.

He chuckled. "If you don't want my opinion, you can talk to a number of other people about this."

"No, I want your opinion. I just wish you'd give me a little more time to work up the nerve."

"Nonsense, Holly. I respect you too much to let you make a fool of yourself beating about the bush."

"Your respect for me seems awfully circumstantial at times, Fowl."

"I don't know what you mean."

She chuckled and felt herself relax a little.

"Just some fools at work up to their usual foolishness." She leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the window. "I got mad at them, and Trouble got mad at me, so I got mad at him, and then Lili and I left and—never mind. That part's not relevant."

She could practically hear his smirk and was glad he couldn't see her blush. Just how old was she anyway, blushing like an idiot?

"That irrelevant part, I assume it's good?"

"So good," Holly admitted. "Like, the—"

"No, no. I don't need details, thank you."

Holly chuckled, all too willing to let him change the subject.

"Circling back, by 'you got mad at them', do you mean you caused them grievous bodily harm?"

"Had Trouble not been there, I certainly would have."

"I see. And why has this triggered this sudden bout of soul-searching?"

"Because…" Holly sighed, gnawing her lower lip in unconscious imitation of Lili. "I suppose because now I'm wondering if their crap only bothers me because she and I are together. I mean, I want to believe that, before, had I known she didn't like the way they treated her, I would have done something. I want to believe that I would have stood up for her even though I hated her, because it's the right thing to do."

Artemis waited for the inevitable conclusion.

"I just don't know for certain that I would have."

She'd worried her lip bloody by now.

"And I don't…"she whispered, glass cold on her forehead, "I don't like what that says about me."