esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

november, 88 add.

night.

The girl from Three climbed out of the pool, stalking toward Esper with her shoulders hunched and her teeth bared.

"You're a fool," she screeched. "You think it's that easy to kill me?"

Esper scrambled back. "I- I didn't-"

"You didn't what?" she interrupted. "Mean to? Don't lie, Six."

"Want to."

"But you did!" she shrieked. Her eyes burned in their sockets, her teal dress filthy and drenched, her wet brown hair plastered against her head. "You wanted to kill me! And guess what, Six?"

"No- I didn't-"

"That's fine," she said. "Because I, on the other hand, do want to kill you."

She lunged for him, her nails raking into his cheek and cutting through his ear, and the blood was everywhere and Esper was screaming that inhuman scream once more, only this time, Three was cackling, too, her laughter ringing in his ears: it was agony, and Three wouldn't stop swiping at him, drawing blood with each new strike, slicing him open, and there was blood everywhere-

"Esper," Rhylee begged, "wake up."

He opened his eyes to find his younger sister crouching by his bed, her hands on his shoulder, shaking him gently. He bit back a shriek, pressing his palms into his eyes. His cheeks were wet, and he tried to hold back sobs in front of her, but failed.

(He couldn't stop thinking about how close January was- less than two months away now. Less than two months until he had to face that girl's family, and two dozen others, with Esper to blame for all their losses… he was afraid of what was to come, and his dreams wouldn't stop reminding him of it.)

"Are you okay?" Rhylee asked, a bit frantic.

"I'm sorry," he cried. "You- you can go back to bed. I'm sorry I w-woke you up."

"It's okay," Rhylee reassured him. "I know you said not to worry or check on you or anything- but usually you stop after a few seconds, and this time you didn't stop-"

"Stop w-what?"

"Screaming," she said, her voice soft. "We could both hear it, and it just- it seemed cruel to leave you…"

He pulled his hands from his eyes. He looked past her to see Ryden lingering in the doorway, his expression grave. "Shit," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

Ryden bit his lip. "S'okay."

Rhylee checked the glass on his bedside table. "Could you get some more water?" she asked Ryden. He nodded and disappeared back down the hall.

"I can get it myself," Esper said.

"You don't have to," Rhylee said. "You don't have to do everything all the time."

Esper pushed himself up into a sitting position. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"I am now."

"I don't believe you."

"Rhylee," he said, "I. Am. Fine."

Ryden arrived with more water, handing it to Esper. He finished half of it in one go, presenting it to Rhylee. "See?" he said, showing both of them. "I'm okay. Go back to bed."

Ryden bit his lip again, but he left. Rhylee hesitated.

"Go to bed," Esper said, more gently this time. He set his water down carefully. "I love you, okay? Get some sleep."

"Love you too," Rhylee said. But her shoulders didn't relax back into their normal position, and when she was in the doorway, she paused, looking back at him for a moment.

"Go," he insisted. "It's okay."

She sighed and left.

As soon as the door was shut behind her, Esper fell back against the mattress, his head in his hands, scars rough against his fingers. When he cried, he did it into a pillow so Rhylee and Ryden wouldn't hear.

And he never did go back to sleep that night.

(He knew he couldn't face her again.)

townes zamoras. 18.

november, 88 add.

morning.

As fall began to slide into winter, he started to notice a shift.

Where Esper had once switched between normal- quick on the draw, a bit irritable, passionate- and grouchy- refusing to engage, defensive, caffeinated- a third side of him began to show itself, and once it appeared, it quickly became the most common side of Esper.

Quiet.

If there was anything Townes had learned about Esper Myrellis-Verilla in the past three months, it was that he was anything but quiet.

So as soon as it started happening, Townes noticed.

"You look horrific," he said one morning. His usual greeting.

Unusually, Esper sat down without a response.

"Good morning?" he tried.

"Hi," Esper muttered.

"Hello."

And then nothing.

It unnerved him, so he tried again. "Hello?"

"What?" Esper said, but there was no anger in his tone.

"Everything all there?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

Townes gave him a long once-over. His eyes were puffy, the shadows lining them darker than usual. He had always been pale, but it was particularly noticeable now. His hair was combed but messier than usual. His clothes were more informal- a worn sweater and a pair of joggers- than he normally wore to class. He'd been chewing his lip. Townes glanced at his hand- his nails, too.

"If you say so," Townes said, still eyeing him. Maybe it was a one-off. Maybe there was some personal issue that Esper would yell at him for asking about. Maybe it was nothing.

But then it happened again.

And again.

And again.

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

november, 88 add.

night.

"I was right to abandon you," Vikram smiled. "Look at all the pain you've caused. I should have never made that deal in the first place."

"You reached out to me," Esper argued. "You approached me-"

"No, I didn't."

"About the deal!"

"That you took," Vikram sneered. "That condemned me to die."

"It was your idea!"

"You took advantage of me," he said. "But guess what? Not anymore."

He grabbed the kitchen knife out of Esper's hand and plunged it into his chest once, twice, three times, over and over again, and he'd never seen Vikram smile so big as when he screamed-

"Esper!"

And he was awake again, sobbing too hard to get his apologies out, both Rhylee and Ryden by his bedside.

townes zamoras. 18.

november, 88 add.

afternoon.

"So I think we just need to divide the review questions, and we should be set from there," Townes said. They were back in the cafe, which Esper hadn't made any comments about.

Esper handed over his notebook. "Done."

Townes took one look and handed it back. "Wrong class."

"Shit." Esper pulled out his laptop, taking a few minutes to find the right file. "Here."

Townes took the device and scanned Esper's answers. "Did you even proofread these? There are typos everywhere."

Esper rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Oh. Sorry."

"And this sentence, it doesn't even make sense- this whole answer, actually, isn't even talking about the right thing… we can't turn this in."

"It's that bad?"

"Yeah."

A camera flashed at them from the doorway. Esper glanced at it for a second before looking back at his laptop, listless. "Oh."

Townes stared at Esper. "I… Are you sure you're good?"

"I'm fine."

"You didn't even react to that."

Esper shrugged. "I… yeah."

"You need to get it together, okay?" Townes said. "I can't be pulling both our weights right now. Group projects are for more than one person."

"I know."

"Do you? Because you've been trying to do them yourself all semester."

Esper sighed. "I know."

"Okay." Townes took a deep breath. "I'm going to answer my half. You're going to fix your half, and then I'm gonna look at it again. Got it?"

"Yeah."

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

late november, 88 add.

night.

"I let you into my alliance, and you killed me," Tyger shouted.

"No- no, that was Lio-"

"And who enabled him to do that?"

"He made his own choices!"

Tyger shook his ruined head, blood and bone and bits of flesh framing the gaping hole in his skull. "It was you," he said. "All you. And you… you were a mistake."

"I just wanted to live," Esper said.

"Too bad," Tyger laughed. "Because I've got a mistake to fix."

Esper froze as Tyger raised his broken bow, still laughing, and whipped it around toward Esper's face, slamming it into where his ear should have been-

"Wake up," Rhylee pleaded. "Esper!"

He opened his eyes to see his sister standing over him, her hands on his shoulders, and the sight was such a relief that he couldn't even speak. He simply wept.

townes zamoras. 18.

late november, 88 add.

afternoon.

"Cafe again?" Townes asked.

Esper nodded. "I need coffee."

"Yeah. You do."

Esper frowned.

"Don't look at me like that. I saw you almost fall asleep twice this morning. Twice!"

"Whatever."

"We have finals coming up," Townes reminded him. "Only a couple weeks now."

"I know."

"So we need to study."

"I know."

"So you need to pull it together."

"I'm fine."

"Uh-huh. Let's go."

They made their way out of the building and down the street, walking quickly to get through the November chill. As they arrived at the coffee shop, Townes opened the door for him just as a customer inside pulled out a camera. Esper didn't even seem to notice as it clicked at them, instead making a beeline for the counter.

Townes gave Benz a nod and went to catch up with Esper. "Hope they got a good picture," he said. "Your eyes were closed in the last one."

"Picture?"

"Yeah. Just now."

"Oh."

Townes waited for the comeback.

(What, so you're having them make sneak attacks now? My eyes were definitely not closed. I can't tell- am I supposed to be seen with you, or are you just a narcissist? Still coasting on daddy's big win?)

Nothing.

And so they lapsed into not the uneasy silence of their truce earlier that month, but a new, empty silence that Townes was pretty sure he hated even more.

Once they had their drinks and found a table, Townes tried to start the conversation again.

"How's your final paper coming?"

"Fine," Esper said. He eyed Townes. "That one's not a partner project."

"It's not. Can I see it?"

"Why?"

"I want to make sure we aren't writing about the same thing," he lied.

"Fine."

Esper passed Townes his laptop, and Townes read through it while Esper drank his coffee. He already knew they weren't writing about the same thing, because they'd talked about it earlier that week. He was searching for something else: coherence.

"Well?"

Townes gave the device back. "Different topics," he said. "Good thing we have a few weeks left,

though. That was… rough."

"It's a rough draft."

"Yeah, I know."

Esper sighed. "So you read it just to insult me?"

"No, I read it to make sure we had different topics."

"Yeah, right."

"Anyway," Townes said. "The review questions for chapters three and four…"

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

early december, 88 add.

night.

"Let go of me!" she shrieked, writhing in his grip.

Esper's hands were frozen, and he was sobbing, trying to pull away, but he couldn't. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't, I'm trying, I'm so sorry-"

"I didn't do anything!" Twelve screeched. "I'm not a Career, I've never killed anyone, I don't want to die… please… I don't want to die… it hurts…"

"I know," he said, his voice thick. "I'm sorry…"

Her blue eyes seared into his. "You're not," she said.

"I am!"

"If you were, you would stop!"

"I'm trying!"

To his horror, she began to shift under his hands: her hair darkened, and she became much shorter, and her eyes crept a little closer to one another, and she wasn't Twelve anymore but another fourteen-year-old girl with blue eyes and his hands on her throat.

"Let me go," Rhylee cried. "Esper, please!"

He yanked his hands back, but he couldn't unwrap his fingers from her throat.

"Esper!"

"I'm trying!"

"You're killing me!" she screamed. "Stop it!"

"I'm so sorry!"

"You're not!"

"I am!"

"You're not!"

She reached toward him, and suddenly her hands, smaller and colder, were on his throat, and he couldn't breathe, and she was laughing, laughing, laughing-

"Esper!" Rhylee said, her hand shaking his arm. "Wake up-"

He recoiled, gasping as he tried to catch his breath.

"Are you okay?"

He sat up, scooting away from his sister. "I'm fine," he sputtered.

"Esper?" She started to reach for him. "Are you-"

(She reached toward him-)

"Just- just stay back, okay?" he said, tears starting to slide down his cheeks.

"What happened?" she asked, pulling her hand back.

"Nothing," he insisted. "Bad dream."

"Esper-"

"It's fine!" he shrieked. "Just leave me alone!"

Hurt crossed her face as she took a step back.

"Rhylee," Ryden said, a few steps behind her, like he always was, "I think we should go."

"But-"

"Go," Esper choked out. "It's fine. Just go."

Her lip quivered, but she nodded, and she left the room with Ryden. They shut the door quietly behind them.

He could still feel her hands on his neck. He still couldn't forget the look in her eyes. He still couldn't breathe.

He didn't catch his breath until sunrise.

townes zamoras, 18.

three days later.

afternoon.

Their last class of the day was in a large lecture hall with cushioned seats and wooden attachments to each armrest for note-taking. Townes found his usual seat, and Esper arrived a few minutes later, and soon enough, class was underway.

Ten minutes in, Esper's head tipped forward with a jerk.

Townes kicked his foot. "Esper!"

His eyes flew open. He blinked a few times, glancing up at the board, and scribbled down the notes he'd missed in the last few minutes.

Five minutes later, it happened again.

"Get it together," Townes whispered.

"Sorry." Esper shifted in his seat, blinking rapidly.

(Townes had noticed he'd been particularly bad this week, but he'd never seen him fall asleep in public before. For Esper, of all people, to start nodding off in class… it was a red flag if Townes had ever seen one.)

Eight minutes later, his breath slowed. He had slipped down in his seat a bit, his elbow on the armrest and his chin on his hand. Townes looked over just as Esper's eyes closed.

"Esper-" he hissed.

But Esper didn't respond. Instead, he tipped toward Townes, his head now resting on Townes'

shoulder.

Townes hesitated.

"Esper," he muttered, "get off."

No response.

(...What was the point? He'd wake him up again, and Esper would fall asleep, and the cycle would continue with neither of them getting any notes down. He was better off leaving him there.

And Esper was better off, too: frankly, he'd never looked worse.

Yeah, that was it. He'd stop being distracted, and Esper was a mess. Leaving him was the best option. For those reasons.)

So he spent the rest of the lecture focusing incredibly hard on taking notes and absolutely nothing else, such as the boy asleep on his shoulder.

(Somehow, the exhaustion was even more apparent when Esper was asleep. He seemed more… fragile. Smaller. Up close, the shadows beneath his sunken eyes seemed as though they'd always been there, like that was just a part of his face. His lips were chapped, and he was pale, even for Six.)

He ignored the warmth of his head on his shoulder, and the evenness of his breath, and the way Townes wasn't even uncomfortable, because Esper had managed to lean just right. He ignored the fact that he was so close. He ignored the fact that they were touching.

He ignored it.

(He did.)

And he did not have any mixed feelings about class ending. He only had relief that Esper was finally off his shoulder. Nothing else.

Esper blinked awake, jerking away from him. "I- what?"

Townes shook his head. "You have problems."

Esper looked around. "Is class over?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I tried," Townes said. "A couple times."

"Shit," Esper said, running a hand through his hair. "I missed all the notes."

"I have them," Townes said. "But on one condition."

"What?" Esper groaned.

"What the fuck is going on with you?" he asked.

"I… what?"

"Answer the question."

Esper stared at him, wide-eyed. "That's… that's none of your business."

"Are you serious?" Townes laughed. "After today alone, it's my business. After the last month… yeah, it's my business. You're a fucking mess. I've been revising our assignments all month because half of your work makes no sense. When was the last time you slept?"

"I…" Esper took a moment to think.

"Holy shit."

"...Sunday?"

"It's Wednesday, Esper!"

"Yeah, and just now I got-" he checked his watch- "an entire hour."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious."

"That's fucked!"

"You think I don't know that?"

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

Something flashed across his face too quickly for Townes to catch, and Esper looked away.

Townes started to repeat himself. "Why aren't you-"

"I answered the question already," Esper interrupted. "Stop blackmailing me for notes. Because that question is absolutely none of your business."

"Fine," Townes said. "I'll give you the notes, and then we're done here."

"We were supposed to finish the literature review today."

"We'll do it tomorrow," Townes said.

"Why?"

Townes stared at him. "Look at you!"

"I'm fine-"

"If we do this project right now, it'll be a mess. Go take a fucking nap. We'll do it tomorrow. Actually, just go home now. I'll give you the notes tomorrow too."

"Townes-"

"Go home," he repeated.

Esper looked at him for a long moment, his face twisting, before he turned and walked away. Townes watched him go.

(It was only then that he realized what he had seen on Esper's face when he asked why he wasn't sleeping.

It was fear.)

"What a mess," he muttered to himself, trying to ignore how cold his shoulder now was.