Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!
Episode 1: Robo Geo
::opening credits::
*We see a shirtless Geo
sleeping in his boxers on the sofa, drooling and surrounded by what remains of
a few hundred Milky Way wrappers. All of a sudden, a chibi Zazu comes running
in from nowhere, laughing maniacally and waving Eagle's metal headband above
his head. As expected, a red-faced chibi Eagle comes rushing in, attempting
unsuccessfully to reclaim his headband from the crazed terrorist. A chase
sequence across the screen ensues, until the chibis land on Geo's bare chest,
instantly waking the sleeping bishounen and making his eyes turn red in anger.
Strangling a chibi in each hand, he proceeds to throw chibi Zazu out the window
and drop-kick chibi Eagle out the door. Satisfied, Geo drops down on the couch
and falls back asleep...*
::end of opening credits::
***
scene 1: the door outside Eagle, Geo, and Zazu's
apartment. Eagle is standing there with his would-be new girlfriend...this part
is pretty cliche and sappy, so we warn you!
***
Elantra: I had a great time tonight,
Eagle! I'm really glad Lantis set us up!
Eagle: (nervous...hey, the guy
hasn't had a date in a while! cut him some slack!) Thanks...uh...you wanna
come in or something?
Elantra: Sounds great! I wanna meet
these infamous friends of yours!
Eagle: (sweatdropping) I
warn you...my roommates are a little...uhhh...weird...
Elantra: Oh, come on! Everyone says
that about their roommates!
Eagle: (grumbles) No one
else has to live with the Original Original Dirty Pair...
Elantra: Come again?
Eagle: ...uhhh...nothing...(opens
door) HEY GEO!!! ZAZU!!!! I'M HOME!!!!!!
Zazu: (sitting on the couch
slogging down a beer and watching mud wrestling) About time you showed
up...(takes a long swig from the beer bottle)
Elantra: Aren't you a little too
young to be drinking beer and watching mud wrestling?
Zazu: Aren't you a little too old
to be dating my best friend? You're pushing 50, am I right?
Elantra: (through teeth) We
just HAPPEN to be the same AGE thank you...
Zazu: Really? (swig of beer)
It's kind of hard to tell because you're wearing so much makeup. Makes you look
like a...
Eagle: Where's Geo??
Zazu: Oh, the rabid wolverines
came back. (takes another swig)
Eagle & Elantra: Rabid...wolverines...?
Eagle: I thought we had this place
sprayed for wolverines!! *laugh track*
Geo: (comes running out his
bedroom faster than conceivably possible...wearing what remained of a pair of
white pants and a green T-shirt. He slams the door behind him, runs into the
kitchen, and starts throwing open cabinets, apparently looking for something)
YAAAAAAAA!!!! PET DANDER!!! ALLERGIES!!! DEATH!!! SHREDDED MY LAST CLEAN PAIR
OF PANTS!!!!
Eagle: Geo, I'd like you to
meet...
Geo: (frantic) CAN THIS
WAIT???????????????? I'M LOOKING FOR MY MEDICATION HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elantra: (annoyed) Yah, I can
tell someone here needs it...
Geo: (finding it) YES!
SCORE! (attempts to open the bottle) [expletive] child proof lock!! OPEN
YOU [expletive] PIECE OF [expletive]!!!!!!! (struggles and nearly collapses
to the floor)
Zazu: I'll get that, big guy!
Watch and learn! (takes the bottle and magically lifts the lid off)
Voila!!
Geo: You amaze me sometimes. (Zazu
grins. Geo takes the bottle and pours almost the entire contents of it into his
mouth) Ah guff Ahve gotta dwink sumfink wit diss...(runs to the fridge
and starts sloppily gulping down milk straight from the carton)
Elantra: (disgusted) You LET
him drink STRAIGHT from the carton??? That's so unsanitary!
Zazu: It's no big deal...Geo's
severely lactose intolerant, so he has to drink special stuff.
Elantra: Then how come the carton he
drinking from says WHOLE MILK?????
Geo: (eyes shoot open)
HO, GOD, I'M GONNA HURL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts staggering across the room)
my...life...is...flashing before...my....eyes....uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhh..........
(staggers even more)
Zazu: (from a bedroom)
Hey...err..Geo...the wolverines are chewing up your PhD...
Elantra: (eyebrow raised in
horror) You mean that has a PhD???
Eagle: (slightly irritated)
Yes...several actually...Mechanical Enginerring, Pyrotechnology, and I believe
Modern Interpretive Dance...
Geo: I was
valedic.....uuuuuggghhhh....HYAAAHHHH...(starts making gagging sounds)
excuse me...(rushes off to the bathroom. After a few seconds, disgusting
vomitty noises are heard)
Elantra:
eeeeeeewwwwwwwww............
Eagle: (veeeeeeery maaaaad)
I'm gonna kill him...I'm gonna KILL him...
Geo: (comes stumbling back
in, half dead) fooooooooooood.....foooooooood.......digestive...
system.....weeeaaaaaak....
Zazu: Here ya go. (hands Geo a
cookie. He scarfs the whole plate down)
Geo: Hey, these are pretty
good...what's in 'em? Walnuts?
Zazu: Cashews.
Geo: (eyes get kinda puffy
and start dripping pus) Did you say cashews?
Elantra: (cruelly) Don't tell
us...you're allergic, right?
Geo: The woman learns. If you'll
excuse.... HYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (vomits)
Elantra: MY SHOES!!!!!! MY PRECIOUS
SHOES!!!!!!
Eagle: GEO YOU OAF!!!!!!!
APOLOGIZE THIS INSTANT!!!!!!
Geo: (dizzy) Mary...had a
little...ham....it...smelled like rotten....snow...(passes out)
Zazu: (from the back room)
Geo, I hope this Ming vase wasn't too valuable...it's kind of on fire...
Eagle: Elantra, I'm SO....huh?? (looks
and sees an Elantra-shaped hole in the door) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Ow, my
heart....
***
scene 2: You mean you're still reading?? Hats off to ya!
Oh, yeah...Eagle is really Po'd here...
***
Eagle: I AM SOOO PO'D!!!! You guys
TOTALLY embarassed me in front...
Geo: (face all red &
puffy) I can't help my genetic predispositions, ya know!!
Zazu: (all beaten &
bleeding) Did I have any
control over those [expletive] wolverines coming back??
Eagle: Not only that but you
ruined my chances of ever going out with Elantra again!! Come on, you guys! I
haven't had a date in a while!! Is a little courtesy so much to ask?????
Geo: (grins evilly)
That's Ok, Eagle...Lantis is more your type anyways!
Eagle: Hmmmm...you know, now that
I thinlk about it....Lantis really IS my type...HEY!!!! (Geo & Zazu
snicker) WHY YOU!!! (grabs Geo by the throat)
Geo: (struggling to breathe)
My...tracheaaaaa...
Zazu: HAAA HAA HAAA!!! EAGLE AND
LANTIS OH BOY THATS GREAT GEO!!!!!!
Eagle: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! (grabs
Zazu by the throat)
Geo: HEY!! (grabs Eagle's
shoulder and pins him to the ground) Fighter's rule number one: never, NEVER
attempt to hurt someone smaller than you unless they make the first strike.
Eagle: (face smashed into the
ground) I'm sorry Geo...can you please get offa me now? You're cutting off
my air...(Geo yanks him to his feet) Gah...if only I could make
mechanical reproductions of you idiots...
Geo: OH MY GOOOOOD!!!!!
BOOOOMERS!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!! (ducks under the coffee
table)
Eagle & Zazu: (stare)
Eagle: Errr....as I was saying...I
wish I could make mechanical reproductions of you idiots in order to reduce
embarass....(brilliant flash of the obvious) Hang on a second guys...(retreats
to the back room, mechanical sounds and flashes of lovely colored lights
penetrate through the door)
Zazu: When'd he get all those
supplies into the bathroom?
***
scene 3: MUUUHUUUHAAAHAAAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Watch as Geo's
flashbacks to his previous life as AD Police officer Leon McNichol take a turn
for the worst as....well do you really want us giving things away? Do you?
***
Eagle: (emerges from the back
room, silver hair dishevled) AAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAA!!!!!!!!!! HE
LIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!! HEEEEEE LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!
Zazu: Been sniffing the toilet
cleanser again, Eagle? (swig of beer)
Geo: No, I'd say that's more of
a Lysol reaction...(carefully approaches the nutty-nuts Eagle) OK,
Eagle...I'm going to put you on the niiice to the couch so you can sleep
this...
Eagle: AHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!! (sticks
finger in Geo's chest) NOW I NO LONGER HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOU EMBARASSING
ME ANYMORE!!!!!
Geo: Aw, could you be any more
blunt?
Eagle: He cooks, he cleans, he
takes less time in the shower then the original...IT'S ROBO GEO!!!!! DAAA DAAA
DAAA!!!! (Throws open door to reveal a Geo dopplegangar) INTRODUCING
ROBO GEO!!!!!!!!!! AHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA I AM SUCH A GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Geo: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
BOOOOMERRR!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR......hey, are my abs really that tight in real
life? (proceeds to poke Robo Geo's metal 6-pack) Sweet!! It's like
poking a mirror image! (pokes it some more)
Zazu: Wow, Eagle, I really have
to hand it too ya here! (whips out a wrench and grins evilly) Think you
could whip me up a girl robot back there? (letcherous laugh)
Eagle: And the best part is.....WE
CAN JUST BOOT THE OLD GEO OUT!!!!
Zazu: What's wrong with the old
Geo?? He's my bestest buddy! (looks at his beer bottle) Er...my second
bestest buddy...
Eagle: (eye twitches) The
old Geo is oblivious, clumsy, luckless, slobby, and worst of all...HE
STOCKPILES ALL THE GOBSTOPPERS IN HIS ROOM AND WON'T SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE
ONE THIRD MINE IT'S MY APARTMENT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Geo: HEY I SPENT MY ENTIRE
CHRISTMAS BONUS ON THOSE GOBSTOPPERS!!!!!!!! THEY'RE RIGHTFULLY MINE YOU BAKA,
SO DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!! (sticks his tongue out at Eagle)
Eagle: Well, can the old Geo do this?
(proudly pushes a button)
Robo Geo: (coming to life)
Salutations, gentlemen! What may I do for you this evening?
Geo: HOLY SCHNIKES!!!! (whips
out a water pistol from nowhere and talks into his wristwatch as if its
some type of communicator) We gotta rogue boomer at 10 o'clock!! (looks
at Zazu) WHERE IN KAMI-SAMA'S NAME IS YOUR BOOSTER RIFLE?!?! WE GOTTA KNOCK
OUT THIS BOOMER BEFORE THE *gaaaaaasssssp* KNIGHT SABERS GET HERE!!!! (attempts
to shoot Robo Geo, but a puny stream of water squirts out instead) OH FOR
THE LOVE OF SEKIRA!!!!! (goes off to...er..."reload")
Robo Geo: Shall I provide Mr. Metro
with psychological aid? My database scanner can recommend a highly specialized
doctor for all his psychiatric needs.
Zazu: Database scanner? (low
whistle) I'm impressed!
Robo Geo: I thank you, Mr. Torque.
But that is not the extent of my functions. Shall I tell him of my myriad of
other operations, Father?
Eagle: (eyes sparkly and on the
verge of tears) He called me father!!! Isn't that cuuuuuuuuute?!?! (hugs
Robo Geo) You're daddy's little precious! Yes you are!
Zazu: Um, Eagle? You're acting
really, really gay right now.
Eagle: (snapping out of it)
Errrr...ummm...Well, anyways this Geo is 20 times better than the original!
He's programmed to do whatever we tell him!
Zazu: So I can force him to clean
my room, feed my fish, and do my laundry??
Eagle: (nodding proudly)
That and a million other things! And best of all - he doesn't complain or leave
his nasty, sweaty socks in random places!!
Geo: (coming back in carrying
a bag of Gummi worms) Hi. Hey, who's the devilishly handsome guy standing
in the bathroom?
Eagle & Zazu: (stare)
Zazu: Does this Geo have
flashbacks to his previous life?
Eagle: Are you kidding? That was
the first thing I altered.
Zazu: Well...?
Eagle: Oh, rapture! I've been
waiting for this day! (grins happily) Hey, Geo!!!!
Geo: (mouth full of Gummi
worms) Hm?
Eagle: YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK
GOOODBYE!!!!!!!!!
Geo: (swallowing his Gummi
worms) Come again?
Eagle: Me & Zazu are booting
you out in favor of a safer future and more opportunities for repeat visits
from lady friends.
Geo: Sooooooooo......I'm being
evicted?
Eagle: (nods) Go pack up
your stuff and go somewhere else!
Geo: (shrugs - he's a pretty
mellow guy when he needs to be) Ok, fine.
Eagle: (confuzzled) Huh?
You mean you're just gonna leave like that?
Geo: Sure, why not? Lantis'll
probably let me move in with him or something. (grins evilly at Eagle and
heads into his room)
Eagle: (stunned) But *I* wanna
live with Lantis!!
Zazu: o.O (downs the rest of
his beer)
Eagle: (babbling...) I
WANNA LIVE WITH LANTIS IN A VERY FINE HOUSE WITH TWO CATS IN THE YARD!!!!!
Zazu: (looks at his empty beer
bottle) I need something harder than this...
***
Scene 4: My isn't Lantis a lucky boy? He gets stuck
living with Geo! Why do I suddenly feel so jealous?
***
Lantis: ................So lemme
get this straight.....Eagle built a robot clone of you that is perfect in every
way, shape, and form that you are not? And he kicked you out to let this clone
take your place?
Geo: Uh-huh (pathetic look)
So...uhh....
Lantis: (rolls eyes) YES,
Geo, you're welcome to stay with me until this all blows over.
Geo: Thanks!!!! (big goofy
Geo-type grin as he dumps all of his stuff on Lantis's newly waxed
floor)
Lantis: Why do I get the feeling
that I'm making a mistake?
::cue theme to the Odd
Couple::
Geo: (with a stick of Pocky
hanging out of his mouth like a cigar) So...where am I sleeping?
Lantis: The couch.........
Geo: Errrr....(looks at the
tag on Lantis's couch) Well, I'm kinda allergic to these fibers...Poly-lycra
blend gives me hives.
Lantis: (siiiiiiiiigh)
Geo: SUGOI, LANTIS!!!!! (digs
through Lantis's stuff) YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD ULTRA MARIO GALAXY
XIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANIPLAYITCANIPLAYITCANIPLAYIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! LET
ME PLAY AND I'LL TALL YOU WHO LIKES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lantis: (sweatdrops)
Sure...I'll just move my pillows & stuff...to the couch....Woah, someone
likes me?!? Is she a hottie?
Geo: Who said it was a she? (evil
laugh)
Lantis: ME AND EAGLE ARE JUST
FRIENDS YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU
SLEEP ON THE COUCH AND LET YOU BREAK OUT IN NASTY FESTERING HIVES!!!!!!!!
Geo: Er.....(goes back to
playing Ultra Mario Galaxy XIII)
::8 hours later...::
Lantis: (attempting to get some
sleep on the couch) Geo....it's 3 AM and I need to wake up for work in
three hours could you kindly turn that off?
Geo: NONONONO!!! Not until I get
past the Cannibalistic Hellspawn Banana Men!!! (makes zombie eyes at the TV)
Lantis: Use the Ice Cream Scoop of
Death...now can I get some sleep? PLEEEEEEAAAAASE???
Geo: SUGOIYO!!!!!!! IT
WORKED!!!!! And all this time I was using the Ice Pick of Lucifer! Boy do I
feel stupid!!
Lantis: (mutters incoherantly)
**
Scene 5: Well, now that they have Robo Geo, life can't be
bad for Eagle and Zazu! But they didn't expect Robo Geo to...well, read
on...otherwise you'd have no reason to continue! Marvel at the startling
conclusion to "Autozam: the Sitcom" Episode 1!!! Or not...you're choice.
Robo Geo: May I get you some more
iced tea, Father?
Eagle: (lounging in a chair
wearing sunglasses and swim trunks along with Zazu) No, that'll be fine!
Robo Geo: Mr. Torque, would you care
for me to do anything for you?
Zazu: Mmmmm...naw. You've already
cleaned my room, washed the dishes, and fed my fish. There's nothing else you
can do for me...
Robo Geo: Would you care for some
Tequila, Mr. Torque?
Zazu: OH BOY, WOULD I!!!!!!
Robo Geo: Here you go, sir! (hands
Zazu a Tequila bottle with one of those little umbrella things in it) I even
removed the mealworm so it would not ruin your drinking pleasure.
Zazu: (slurping down his
Tequila) Man, Eagle, you should've done this a long time ago!!
Eagle: Amen to that! We should've
replaced Geo years ago!! I can feel my stress levels lowering as we speak!!!!
Zazu: Hey....uhhh....Eagle...you
wouldn't replace me would you?
Eagle: (thoughtful)
Hmmmmmmmmm...........(imagines having TWO kawaii bishie slaves)
MUUUUHUUUUHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Zazu: (puppy eyes) Pwetty
pweeze Eagle?
Eagle: We'll see....
Robo Geo: Father, Mr. Torque...If it
pleases you that I no longer serve you for the day, I'd like to entertain you
with some talents programmed into me from the Original Mr. Metro.
Eagle: That'd be nice!
Robo Geo: If you'll excuse me. (bows)
Zazu: What talent is he talking
about it?
Eagle: No idea...but I'm scared
now.
Robo Geo: (walks back out on the
porch) OK I'm ready.
Eagle: (turning around) OH
MY KAMI-SAMA!!!!!!!!!!!
Robo Geo: Am I disturbing you,
Father?
Eagle: ROBO GEO YOU'RE WEARING A
TUTU!!!!!!
Robo Geo: How would I perform "Swan
Lake" for your entertainment if I do not look the part, Father? (Turns on
the CD player and the music begins. He begins to perform "Swan Lake"
much to Eagle and Zazu's horror.)
Zazu: The first Geo wasn't
this...err...effeminate. And was even coordinated enough to dance like that?
Eagle: I don't know how he...(slaps
hand to forehead) GEO HAS A PhD IN MODERN INTERPRETIVE DANCE!!!! Somehow
that was channelled into Robo Geo...
Zazu: You know that is is veeery
traumatizing...(drinks down the rest of his Tequila in one gulp as Robo Geo
jetes across the backyard)
Eagle: Sometimes I wish I weren't
such a genius...(whips out a cel phone) But there's only one man who can
combat this.
Zazu: You don't mean...(Eagle
nods) But I thought...
Eagle: Well desperate times call
for desperate measures. (watches Robo Geo prance around in a tutu) And
this is most certainly a desperate time. (makes...the call)
::10 minutes later::
Geo: WHERE IS THE COTTON CANDY
IN DESPERATE NEED OF MY CONSUMPTION?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!
Eagle: Ummmm....I only told you
that so you'd come over here...
Geo: Oh, so you missed me did
you? (grins) You MISSED the big fella hangin out here? I knew it! Ha ha!
Eagle: (on his knees now) I
BESEECH YOU, GEO!!!! STOP...THAAAAT!!! (points to Robo Geo, who's kind of
"in the zone" now)
Geo: WHHHHHAAAAA!!!!! (eyes
get huge) HE IS SO DOING THAT WRONG!!!!!
Zazu: Then go show Mr. Roboto
there how it's done! You can do it!
Geo: (pounds his fists
together) Yup...it's about time someone showed that prima ballerina how to
really bust a move!!
Eagle & Zazu: YOU CAN DO IT!!
::Geo proceeds to jete into
Robo Geo's production.::
Robo Geo: Well, hello there, Mr.
Metro! Care to join me?
Geo: (grins his trademark
evil grin) Yes, my physically endowed friend!! (pirouettes circles
around Robo Geo, eyes narrowed) Shall we dance?
::Robo Geo & Geo
continue to dance...and dance...and dance...first performing "Swan Lake," then
"The Nutcracker," then about 20 more entirely choreographed ballets, including
some of their own improvised originals.::
Geo: (breathing heavily and
sweating like you wouldn't believe while Robo Geo keeps dancing) I can't
believe his stamina!
Zazu: I can't believe you lasted
that long, Geo! You're the real Lord of the Dance!
Geo: I doubt that. (points to
Robo Geo) Just look at him! He's amazing! HEY ROBO ME!!!!
Robo Geo: (stops dancing) Yes,
what may I do for you, Mr. Metro?
Geo: Ever considered going pro?
Hell, if you can outlast me, you can outlast anyone!
Robo Geo: But what of Mr. Torque and
Father? What would they do without my services?
Geo: Screw whatever happens to
them! Wouldn't you rather do your own thinking?
Robo Geo: Hmmmmmmm.......you're
absolutely right, Mr. Metro! I would rather live life for myself rather than
spending the whole duration of my existance serving humans...
Zazu: Um, Geo, I don't think
Eagle would appreciate this...
Geo: (shoves Robo Geo out the
door, his CD player and tutu in tow) Sayonarra, Robo-Me!! Good luck!!!
Robo Geo: (looks at Geo with tears
in his eyes) Mr. Metro, I shall never forget you! (engulfs him in a huge
hug) Thank you for freeing me from the bonds that hold me!
Geo: Uhh...you're welcome! (slams
the door behind Robo Geo) AND DON'T FORGET TO WRITE!!!!! (slumps against
the door) Whew!!! I'm glad that's over with.
Zazu: I don't think this is
entirely over...(points to something behind Geo)
Geo: Hm? (turns around)
WAAAA!!!!
Eagle: (flaming mad - no pun
intended LOL) GEO YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY CREATION!!!! MY BABY!!!!! AND
HE'S ALL GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Geo: Oh, relax, would ya? He's
better off as a free spirit than cooped up here. Besides, why would you want to
be deprived of my presence?
Eagle: YOU'LL BE DEPRIVED OF MORE
THAN THAT WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! (chases Geo throughout
their apartment...)
Zazu: (eyes narrowed and
looking straignt into the camera) They're all idiots...
fin
