Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!
Episode 2: Eagle! Be a Lady Tonite!
::opening credits::
*Do you really want to read
the opening credits all over again? I mean, you read them in Episode One! After
awhile, the monotony would get to you and you'd never read this again!!!
NOOOO!!!!*
::end the opening credits::
***
Scene 1: Poor Geo-sama! His candy addiction never did get
him anywhere! Oh, and you may notice that Geo spends a lot of time in his
boxers...well I'm the Geo no [obsessive fangirl] Miko so FIGURE IT OUT!!!!
***
Eagle: (coming in the door from
work) Hey guys, I'm home!
Geo: (sitting on the couch in
his boxers watching TV, eating a bowl of caramel corn) You're home early.
Eagle: What's for din....Geo?!?
What are you doing home so early??? Don't you usually stay at work until about
7?
Geo: (sweatdrop)
I....uhhh.....was...uhhhh.....
Eagle: (head in hands)
Please oh PLEASE don't say fired...
Geo: Yeah....it
was...uhh...that....
Eagle: Geo, how could you be
fired?!?!?!?!?! You're one of the most brilliant mechanical engineers Autozam's
military has ever seen!!! You've got three PhDs!! How could they fire you????
Geo: Well, that was before
the accident......
Eagle: WHAT ACCIDENT??????!!!!!!!
Geo: So, did ya catch the
basketball game last night? (shoves a handfull of caramel corn in his mouth)
Eagle: DON'T TRY AND CHANGE THE
SUBJECT...WHAT ACCIDENT????
::a news flash on the TV
pops up::
News anchor: Ladies and gentlemen, we
interrupt this program to tell you that Autozam's Federal Building has been
reduced to a pile of ashes. (Eagle shoots a look at the traumatized Geo).
The details are rather sketchy at the time, but the definate cause of the blaze
was in fact what appeared to be a pile of Milky Way wrappers dropped
precariously near an experimental external combustion engine. We go now to some
footage from about two hours ago...where our roving reporter was on the
scene...
Eagle: (surprised look at Geo)
Geo I knew you were a total slob but this is beyond ridiculous!
Geo: *siiigh* Don't think
I don't know...HEY ZAZU!!!!
Zazu: (walks in from the back
room carrying a bottle of Schnapps and a car magazine) Another Prozac
moment there, Geo? (Geo nods as Zazu reaches into his pocket and
hands him a bottle of Prozac) It's amazing how many of these you go through
a week, dude. No wonder you're always so genki.
Geo: Thanks...(downs the
entire bottle of the pills) It's times like this I wish I was an alcoholic
like you, Zazu...
Zazu: I DO NOT HAVE AN ALCOHOL
PROBLEM!!!! (finishes his bottle of Schnapps and starts on another)
Eagle: Geo...ummm....you may wanna
look at the tube...
::taking place on the TV::
TV Reporter: ...Excuse me! Sir! A word
please?
TV Geo: I SWEAR I HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH IT!!!! IT WASN'T ME, OK????? DON'T SAY IT WAS ME BECAUSE IT WASN'T, OK????
(runs off screaming)
TV Reporter:
Ooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay........well, folks, you heard it here first...He
didn't do it...
::end TV sequence thingey::
Geo: (head in hands)
Zazu...do I have any bottles of Prozac left?
Zazu: (looking through the medicine
cabinet) Well, you've got some Paxil and some Zoloft and some Celexa left
over...
Geo: I want 'em all! (looks
dejectedly into his caramel corn)
Eagle: Man, Geo, I can't believe
it! You were the head of that project and you ruined it because of your little
sugar indulgence.
Geo: (swallowing all of the
antidepressants that he had left over) Ooooooooo....lookit all the pretty
sparkly stars...
Zazu: Dude, and he has to pay one
third of the rent! So now what's he gonna do?
Geo: (watching Robo Geo
perform with a very prestigious ballet on TV) That *sniff* that coulda been
meeeee!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA BE IN THE
SHOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eagle: Agh someone's knocking on
the door at a time like this...(opens the door to see a short, mean looking
old lady) Oh! Mrs. Diablo...what a nice...ummm...surprise.
Mrs. Diablo: Maybe not nice for you!
MUUUHUUUUHAAAAHAAAHAA!!!!! I decided on a whim to raise your rent 60%!!!!
Eagle: (attempting to smile
despite his eye twitching) My...isn't that lovely....and my roomate just
lost his job, too...
Mrs. Diablo: Well, thanks for telling
me! Now I can....RAISE IT 70%!!!!!!! MUUUHUUUHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!!!! (shuffles
off)
Zazu: Crazy old hag. Why do we
even bother to put up with her?
Eagle: Oh Kami-sama....(grabs
Zazu's Schnapps and guzzles it down)
***
Scene 2: Oh my! Whatever will our heroes do? While Geo
attempts to win over the unamused Performance Art Crowd, Zazu finds
an...interesting side job for Eagle. But is he desperate enough to actually go
through with it?
***
Geo: (sitting in the middle
of the park wearing a black turtleneck, black beret, and sunglasses while
playing a pair of bongos) See....Spot....Run...Spot...Runs...Fast...
Stunned Performance Artists: (random comments of
negative feedback)
Geo: Uhhhh...wait! I can do
better! Honest! (starts banging on his bongos) Milky Ways...my
savior.....and my angst...I SWORE IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE!!!! (hits his bongos
reeeeeeaaaaally hard) Now I'm stuck here in the park....black isn't my
color!!!!! DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!!!!! (bangs his bongos
so hard they cave in) THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BUYING CHEAP PERCUSSION
INSTRUMENTS!!!!! (throws the broken bongos in a pond)
Performance Art Crowd: (mutters amongst
themselves)
Geo: Oh, COME ON! I poured my
heart and soul into that one! (sighs and whips out his ukelele) Life...is
like....a low fat milkshake....it LOOKS sweet....BUT IT TASTES INSTEAD LIKE
PORK WITH PEARLS!!!!! (strums the ukelele) Do coconuts....migrate? Are
they the spawn of kiwifruit...and....rocks?? (strums the ukelele some more)
One day I hired a monkey...to take notes for me...in class...I got...an F. (plays
the ukelele reeeeeeaaaally hard) DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION
ENGINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (breaks all the strings on his ukelele)
Performance Art Crowd: (shake their many and varied
heads while they walk off, unimpressed)
Geo: WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIT!!!!! (they
ignore him) PLEASE DON'T SHOVE ME AWAY LIKE SO MANY SARDINES IN A
CAN!!!!!!!! PLEEEEAAAASEEEE?????!!!!! I NEED YOUR MONEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! DARN YOU EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!! (throws his
broken ukelele into the pond) And I didn't get to use the squid, either! (throws
the squid cadavers into the pond, where they promptly get devoured by the local
fish, forever changing their diet and causing them to become extinct due to
shortage of food.)
Performance Beatnik Artist
Guy:
Hey, buddy!
Geo: Yes?!!?!?!?!
Performance Beatnik Artist
Guy:
I'll give you ten dollars to SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH!! (throws a $10 bill at
Geo)
Geo: Lord, what fools these
mortals be! Oh, well. I never liked turtlenecks...(picks up the dollar and
peels off his shirt...much to the delight of the author, who, of course, passes
out from a nosebleed!!)
Performance Beatnik Artist
Guy: I'LL GIVE YOU TEN MORE DOLLARS IF YOU PUT
YOUR SHIRT BACK ON AND STOP MAKING US LOOK BAD!!!!
Geo: Uhhhhh...(looks at the
author)
Sailor Ghost aka the author: NO WAY, BUCKO!!! LEAVE IT
OFF OR I'M THROWING YOU INTO THE POND!!!!
Geo: Sorry! (shrugs)
Performance Beatnik Artist
Guy:
Well my abs are still hotter! NYAH!! (the author throws him into the pond
for insulting Geo's beautiful beefed-up bod)
::meanwhile...back at the
ranch...well, apartment to be more precise::
Zazu: (looking through the
newspaper)Wow, Eagle, I never knew that there were so many jobs in the
Autozam metropolitan area!
Eagle: (head on the table)
I just hope that Geo makes some money with that performance art thing. The
incident at the Federal Building is probably going to cost him his career.
Zazu: Hey, here's something
interesting..."GWM seeks..."
Eagle: What's a GWM?
Zazu: I think it's some kind of
foreign vegetable.
Eagle: Well, I'm not a veggie man,
but circle it anyways.
Zazu: (circles it) You
know, if all else fails I do have a nice backup plan!
Eagle: I'm not moving into the
NSX, Zazu. Not until they spray the old man smell out of it.
Zazu: That's not what I was
thinking......
Geo: (walking in the door,
half asleep and carrying his turtleneck) I swear that no one has any
appreciation for the arts these days...
Zazu: What was your haul?
Geo: Ten dollars and a drooling
fangirl. (opens the freezer and takes out a carton of Haagen Dahz and a
giant spoon)
Eagle & Zazu: Drooling fangirls...feh! We
get those all the time! (Geo flicks ice cream in their faces with the giant
spoon)
Zazu: Mmmmmmmm....Irish
Creeeaaaaam.....!!! (Geo flicks more ice cream at him) D'oh!
Eagle: Geo - you've gotta find a
job or something soon so you can pay the rent!
Geo: (chowing down on the
Haagen Dahz...completely oblivious to the fact that he's lactose intolerant)
Why aren't you complaining to Zazu? He doesn't have a job.
Zazu: Child labor laws! (grins
evilly) Plus I have to be here cuz I'm a dependant on Eagle's income tax. (sticks
his tongue out at Geo)
Geo: YOU'RE WHAT????!!!! EAGLE
YOU TAX FRAUDING LITTLE [expletive]!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S MORE BELIEVEABLE IF I
TRY TO PASS HIM OFF AS MY ILLIGETIMATE SON!!!!!!!!!!
Eagle: (reading the newspaper)
Yeah, but you haven't had a date in all your 24 years.
Geo: (attempts to complain,
but realizes that Eagle is right) Errrr....yah...well...Hey, how did the
job hunting go?
Eagle: Peachy.
Zazu: I HAVE THE SOLUTION TO ALL
OUR PROBLEMS!!!! (walks in wearing Geo's sunglasses and carrying a white
cane and a cup) Please sir...alms? Alms? (offers his cup to
Eagle, who gives him an odd look and goes back to reading the paper.)
Cheapskate...
Geo: You gotta make yourself
more pathetic to get some sympathy cash, Zazu.
Zazu: (grins evilly - a
strange habit he picked up from Geo-sama) Already a step ahead of you! (holds
up a paper bag with a bottle of Tequila inside)
Geo: Zazu...you must've been
dropped on your head as an infant.
Zazu: Eeeeeehhhhhhh...you're just
jealous because I'm more creative than you are. (picks up a section of the
newspaper) Hey! The Miss Autozam pagent is in 2 weeks! Will you drive me
there, Geo?!?!?!?!!? PLEEEEEEAAAAASE?????!!!! I WANNA SCOPE OUT ALL THE PRETTY
CHICKS!!!!!!!!!
Geo: Sorry, I was planning on
writing some bleak and dreary autobiographical poetry then. (downs an extra
bottle of Prozac) I mean...sure!
Zazu: Says here that there's a
one million dollar pri...(all three guys stop what they're doing)
Eagle: One...million....(drools)
Too bad I'm not a woman.
Geo: (thoughtful)Well,
you could try for a few hours...
Zazu: Yah, wearing a dress
couldn't hurt...
Eagle: WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!!! HOLD
THE PHONE!!!! Why is it that I'M nominated for this??? Why can't YOU
do it Geo????
Geo: (stares at Eagle
incredulously) I'm 6'8", my shoulders are as wide as a Cadillac, and I can
bench press my own weight - oh, YEAH, Eagle, I'm REAL woman
material. Plus, what if there's a swimsuit competition? It'd be kind of a dead
giveaway that I'm a guy...cuz...well...you know...
Eagle: Zazu???
Zazu: My hormones are in full
swing. I doubt it would be safe for all the babes backstage. (laughs
letcherously)
Eagle: (sighs) Well, then,
I guess that we won't....
Zazu & Geo: DO IT EAGLE!!!!!!
Eagle: NO!!
Geo: Fine. (grabs Eagle's arm
and pins it against his back.)
Eagle: (wincing in pain)
Geo....let go...please!! (cries pained tears)
Geo: Say "Grandma Moses makes
munchy meatballs most Mondays!!!"
Eagle:
GRANDMAMOSESMAKESMUNCHYMEATBALLSMOSTMONDAYS!!!!!!! NOW LEGGO!!!
Geo: Say "Geo, you're my best
friend in the entire world and I will enter the Miss Autozam pagent to fulfill
our monetary needs!!!!"
Eagle:
GEOYOUREMYBESTFRIENDINTHEENTIREWORLDANDIWILLENTERTHEMISS (gasps for breath)
AUTOZAMPAGENTTOFULFILLOURMONETARYNEEDS!!!!!!! Now will you...Oh, Kami-sama...(realized
what he said)
Geo: Hehehehehehehehe. (lets
go) Works every time!
***
Scene 3: Well, Eagle is understandably reluctant to be
trodded out in front of people while wearing women's clothing. Can Lantis talk
him into it? I think we all know the answer to that one!
***
Eagle: (flipping through a
Vogue magazine) Hmmm...lessee...am I a Fire Engine Red or a Pearly Pink?
Geo: You're a nut for wanting to
actually buy makeup.
Zazu: So, what, is he gonna rent
it?
Geo: (holds up some random
chemicals) I say why not go ahead and make your OWN.
Zazu: That's disturbing...
Geo: I am so misunderstood! (walks
off to his room to go play with his chemistry set)
Eagle: ZAAAAAAZUUUU!!!! (holds
up a magazine article) I'm trying to find my "perfect look..." Would say my
personality type is Diva or Sweetie-pie?
Zazu: I'd say you were a
fruitcake.
Eagle: You're no help. This
would've been you if you weren't such a letcherous little perv.
Zazu: Yah, well I am so deal with
it! (thinks the thoughts of a letcherous little perv and drools)
Eagle: (sighs) OK, I think
I'll go with Diva...
Geo: So, you're trying to find
your "New Look?" May I make a suggestion?
Eagle: Sure...
Geo: (holds up a Sekiria
poster and points to Priss) LOOK LIKE HER!! LOOK LIKE HER!!!
Zazu: Oh, God, Eagle, he's doing
that thing again...(NOTE: see Ep.1 for more details about Geo's previous
life)
Eagle: Errr...I don't think I'd
look too good in leather...
Geo: (looks at the poster)
What is this thing? Eh. (throws it over his shoulder and heads back
to his room)
Zazu: It's amazing how fleeting
his memory is. Must be his sugar intake.
Eagle: This is definately not my
proudest moment...(flips through an issue of Seventeen) Oh wow! Me and
Brad Pitt both like chocolate ice cream!
Zazu: (flipping through
Eagle's discarded Vogue and drooling) I think Victoria just told me her
secret! (passes out with a nosebleed)
Geo: Hey Eagle! (comes in
with arms full of weird looking things) I made you some makeup with some
random chemicals I found lying around the house. You know...to minimize the
embarassment of having to actually buy it.
Eagle: I DUN WANNA!!!!! (attempts
to run off, But Geo grabs him by the headband)
Geo: No, no, no my reluctant
friend! I spent all of ten minutes and the leftovers from my high school
chemistry class to do this for you! AND ACCEPT MY SERVICES YOU SHALL!!!! (makes
Eagle sit in a chair)
Eagle: Geo, you REALLY don't
expect me to...
Geo: OH WHAT FOUL AND PITEOUS
PLEBIANS GOD HATH BESTOWED UPON ME!!!! (feigns crying) I ONLY TRIED TO
MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR MY BEST FRIEND...BUT HE....BUT HE.....(feigns crying
some more)
Eagle: (sighs) OK, Geo,
I'll do it for you...(trys on some of the makeup)
Geo: Whaddya think??
Eagle: Well, my sinuses have
cleared and I have an increased feeling of self-satisfaction...
Geo: Yah, I had to mush up some
of my medications to get the colors just right.
Zazu: I can clear up my sinuses
and have an increased feeling of self-satisfaction the natural way! (holds
up a bottle of booze) BEHOLD!!!!
Eagle: Aren't you supposed to
acting like a little hentai right about now?
Zazu: Oh, but this is SO
much funner.
::20 minutes later::
Zazu: (pulling on a door
handle) EAGLE!!! COME OF OF THE [expletive] CLOSET!!!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE IN
THERE FOREVER, YOU KNOW!!!
Eagle: (from inside the closet)
NONONONONONOOOO!!!!!! I'M LIVING IN HERE!!!! DESPITE THE CRAMPED QUARTERS, IT'S
QUITE COMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!
Geo: Fine. If you're staying in
there, then I'm going have to eat this BIG HONKIN' BAG OF M&Ms ALL BY MY
LONESOME SELF!!!!!!!
Eagle: (soft voice) Crispy
M&Ms?
Zazu: Geo, you don't have
any...MMPH!!! (Geo shoves a dirty, sewaty sock in Zazu's mouth)
Geo: OH YEAH, EAGLE...CRISPY
M&Ms!!!!! MMMMMM.....YUMMY!!!!!
::the doorknob to the closet
slooooowly turns from the inside...::
Eagle: (wearing a long prom
gown, high heels, makeup, the works!!!!) I want some...
Geo & Zazu: AAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
AHAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *snort*
AHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Zazu: Eagle I swear...*snort*....if
I didn't already know you were a man...*guffaw* I'd try to pick you up
like a cheap girl at a bar!! (falls on floor laughing)
Eagle: (turning red) I want
some M&Ms...
Geo: (laughs so hard he
starts choking) You fell for the oldest trick in the book! (chokes some
more and has to go get a drink of water)
Eagle: BUT I WANT SOME
M&Ms!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DOOOO!!!!!! (mascara starts
running)
::knock at the door::
Zazu: The door...is OPEN.
Lantis: Hi I just wanted to borrow
a Phillips head...(sees Eagle and little pink hearts dance around his head)
Oh, hey there sexy!
Zazu: (laughs so hard he cries)
Heh, heh, you're on your own here! (grins evilly at Eagle, who is mentally
putting Zazu through seven different types of torture, both physical AND mental)
Lantis: Can I have your number?????
Eagle: (trying to sound like a
woman) Why you silly, silly man!! EEEEHEEEHEEEHEE!!!!!!!!!
Lantis: ...'cuz if you aren't doing
anything Friday night....
Eagle:
EEEEHEEEEHEEEHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (sees the window of opportunity opening before
him...) TAKE ME I'M YOURS!!!! (jumps into Lantis's arms)
EEEHEEEEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!!
Lantis: (nosebleeding)
Lantis, you stud, you still have it!
Geo: (walking in after his
choking fit) Well, Eagle, it looks like your dream has come true *snirk*
Lantis: Eagle.....?!? (looks at
the lady in his arms. Eagle grins, embarassed.) EAGLE???!!!!!???!! (drops
him and tries to rub the "cooties" onto his pants) Ewwwwwwww.......Do you
mind if I ask WHY....???
Eagle: Errr....I lost a bet...?
Lantis: Must've been some
bet...
Geo: (shoving Eagle onto the
couch) He's entering the Miss Autozam pageant in an attempt to earn some
extra cash for us.
Lantis: So why aren't you and Zazu
entering?
Zazu: Because I'm a horny little
hentai! MUUUUHUUHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Geo: And swimsuits flatter me a
little TOO well.....(this author proceeds to get a nosebleed while their
phone rings) I'll get it! (runs off)
Lantis: (sits down on the couch
next to Eagle) That's pretty brave of you to do that for your friends, you
know.
Zazu: Ew, things are going to get
corny. I'll be in my room getting drunk if any fangirls should come for me.
Eagle: (rubbing his eyes and
smearing his mascara) You really think so?
Lantis: (nods) You're
obviously a good friend if you're crossdressing for Geo and Zazu!
Eagle: (little pink hearts
dancing around his head) That's so sweet....(hugs Lantis while the live
studio audience goes AWWWWWWWWW)
Lantis: So you'll do it?
Eagle: (standing up) YES I
WILL!!!! I'LL BE THE PRETTIEST STINKING WOMAN THAT AUTOZAM HAS EVER LAID EYES
ON!!!!!!!!!!!
Geo: That's great, RuPaul. Too
bad the Miss Autozam commission called and said that the pageant was cancelled
due to lack of interest...
Eagle: (face falls) But I'm
ever so pretty!!!!!.....and now we're poor again!!!!! DARN YOU GEO AND YOUR
EXTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE!!!!!!!!!
Geo: Well, if it's any
consolation...I called my boss and got my old job back.
Lantis: But you burned your office
down...
Geo: Yeah, but extortion can get
you far these days! So now I'm raking in twice the cash with half the work!
Zazu: (walks in holding a cue
card saying "things work out too easily") And in an effort to increase our
ratings despite all these cheesy plots and endings, here's footage of what REALLY
goes on in Eagle's head...
::cut to footage of Eagle
& Lantis skipping through a field of pansies while the end credits roll::
Zazu: Hoya mama, that's
creepy....
fin