Autozam: the Sitcom that Shouldn't be...but is!!!
Episode 3: THE BOY HAS THE POWER!!!
::opening credits::
o.O Hoooooo, no!! I'm not
typing these up again! If you want to so desperately see the opening credits I
suggest you....GO TO EPISODE ONE!!!!! *smacks you with a wet sponge*
::end opening credits::
***
Scene 1: Zazu is such a gifted child...in more ways than
one! Who else can down five bottles of Tequila and still be able to walk in a
straight line? Well, a couple of door-to-door preachers discover one of his
lesser-known talents...
***
Geo: (reading the newspaper
and talking to Eagle) You know, they really need to fix that little
plumbing problem at the orphanage.
Eagle: There's no plumbing problem
at the orphanage! Lemme see!! (attempts to grab the newspaper from Geo,
spilling his cereal into his lap instead)
Geo: Serves you right. (sticks
his tongue out at a blushing Eagle)
Zazu: (walking into the
kitchen, half asleep) Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........
Geo: Look who finally decided to
wake up. You're lucky - I didn't eat the last Pop Tart this time.
Eagle: (trying to dry his pants)
Good morning, Zazu! Did you sleep well?
Zazu: MUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!! (runs
into the wall)
Eagle: What?! Zazu, are you
alright?
Zazu: (standing up and
trudging over to the fridge, where he gets a bottle of beer and sits down at
the table, almost totally asleep) Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..........
Eagle: Zazu?! What's wrong???
Geo: It's the morning of the
living dead! Heh.
Eagle: Is there something wrong
with him?? You're a doctor!
Geo: First of all, I'm not a
MEDICAL doctor. Second, everyone's like this in the morning...save for maybe
you, because you're a morning person.
Zazu:
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........*snort*
beeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr....
Eagle: Does he usually speak in
monosyllabic moans?
Geo: Uhhhh-huh.
Zazu: SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!!!!
DON'T DISCUSS MY MORNING RITUAL!!!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!!! (drinks his beer)
Good morning.
Geo: Fine then. (gets up and
walks into the bathroom)
Zazu: Good riddance, you
cabbagehead.
Eagle: ZAZU! I won't permit talk
like that in this apartment!
Zazu: (mutters some REALLY bad
words that are very unfit to print)
Eagle: Oh my...(hears a knock
at the door and goes to answer it)
Door-to-door preacher #1: Hello, friend! Would you
like to join us on the path to enlightenment?
Eagle: I DON'T WANT ONE OF YOUR
[expletive] VACUUM CLEANERS!!!!! WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!?!?! (attempts
to shut the door, but the preachers dodge it and invite themselves in)
Door-to-door preacher #2: Ohohohohohohohohoho! We're
not selling vacuum cleaners, my friend! We're here on a mission from
Kami-sama!! (gets bathed in a shower of glowing lights)
Eagle: How come those guys get
better lighting?!?!
Door-to-door preacher #1: He gets that good lighting
from the power of Kami-sama! A power you can have if you change your evil
ways!!!! (shakes a religious object in Eagle's face)
Eagle: I'm not evil...can you
please go?
Geo: (comes running in from
the bathroom, his face all sliced up and bleeding)
MOTHEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eagle: Geo...what happened to your
face???!!!
Geo: I HAD A LITTLE SHAVING ACCIDENT!!!!!!!
Eagle: Well, Geo, this is what
happens if you don't change your blade every once in a while...
Geo: (picks up Eagle by the
collar) DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!
Door-to-door preacher #2: The devil has given that
man immense strength! We must convert him to see the light! (attempts to
convert Geo, but Zazu walks in at the last minute)
Zazu: CAN I ENJOY MY BOOZE IN
PEA...woah, Geo, you look like [expletive]! Here let's see if I can fix you
up...(grabs his hand and takes him into the kitchen)
Door-to-door preacher #1: I sense some holy vibes
coming from that boy!!
Geo: (comes walking in with
about 50 Band-Aids on his face) I'm going into my room to sulk.
Door-to-door preacher #2: THAT BOY HAS CURED THAT MAN
OF HIS ILLS!!!!
Door-to-door preacher #1: THE BOY IS FILLED WITH THE
HEALING POWER OF KAMI-SAMA!!!!!
Zazu: All I did was Band-Aid his
face...
Door-to-door preachers
#1&2:
THE BOY HAS THE POWER!!!!!!!
Eagle: Whaaaat??? Zazu?? (looks
at Zazu, who shrugs)
Door-to-door preacher #2: Kami-sama has given this
boy THE POWER!!!! The power to HEAL!!!!
Zazu: I think you
misunderstood...all I did was Band-Aid his face...
Door-to-door preacher #1: WE MUST SPREAD THE NEWS TO
ALL OF AUTOZAM THAT THIS BOY HAS THE POWER!!!!!!!! (picks up Zazu and throws
him over his shoulder)
Zazu: Where are you taking me,
you queers????!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEagle!!!!! What are they doing????!!!!
Eagle: Yah, what are you guys
doing?!?!?!?!
Door-to-door preacher #2: We're going to spread the
joys of this boy's POWER TO HEAL!!!!
Eagle:
Oooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay. Just make sure he brushes his teeth.
Zazu: DARN YOU EAGLE VISION!!!!!!
DARN YOU WITH A MILLION PLAGUES!!!!!! (pounds on the preacher's back as he's
going out the door) LEGGO OF ME YOU CHILD PREDATOR!!!!!!
Eagle: My, I hope I'm not making a
mistake...
***
Scene 2: EAGLE DID WHAT?!?! Now what will all the Zazu
fangirls of the world do?! Besides wither away and die, I mean. Of course, Zazu
wasn't expecting to have his 15 minutes of fame so early in life, so I guess
they don't mind too much.
***
Geo: You did WHAT?!
Eagle: I gave Zazu away to the
door-to-door preachers.
Geo: WHY?!?!?!?!
Eagle: They think he has some kind
of "healing power" because of what he did for your shaving accident.
Geo: HE COVERED ME WITH HYDROGEN
PEROXIDE AND STUCK A BOX OF BAND-AIDS ON MY FACE!!!!!! HOW THE HECK DOES THAT
CONSTITUTE HEALING?!?!?!?!?!?
Eagle: Don't ask me. By the way,
this came for you today. (hands Geo an envelope)
Geo: Hm? (opens it) HOLY
SEKIRIA!!!!!!!! My sister Prizma is getting married!
Eagle: How nice! When is she
getting married??
Geo: (sweatdropping)
Three days....guess I have to get a tux or something.
::meanwhile...in a cathedral
on the other side of town::
Door-to-door preacher #1: Oh, Autozam's Pope
equivalent, we bring you a boy whose blessed with THE POWER TO HEAL ALL
ILLS!!!!
Door-to-door-preacher #2: We saw him cure a victim of
a shaving accident before our very unworthy eyes!!!
Autozam's Pope equivalent: Bring me the boy and I
shall see if he is indeed blessed by the great and powerful Kami-sama to heal
all the world's ills!!
Zazu: (walks into the
cathedral) Yo, nice digs you got here. Can I go home now?
Autozam's Pope equivalent: SILENCE!!! What is your
name, my son?
Zazu: Zazu. Zazu Torque.
Autozam's Pope equivalent: And are you, Zazu Torque,
indeed blessed with the POWER of Kami-sama??
Zazu: Whaaaaaat?!?!
Door-to-door preacher #1: Yes, your Holiness!!! He
cured a man of his severe razor burn!
Autozam's Pope equivalent: SILENCE YOU PLEBIAN!!! YOU
ALREADY SAID THAT!!!!!
Zazu: Oh, you mean Geo. Yah, that
bum's always getting hurt. I just dumped hydrogen peroxide on his face...
Autozam's Pope equivalent: *GAAAAAAAAASP* HE IS
INDEED BLESSED!!!! (points to Zazu) We must tell the world about this
miraculous boy and his words of healing, "hydrogen peroxide!"
Zazu: You're all nuts...(realizes
that becoming famous equates to getting chicks) I mean to say...Yes, I most
certainly AM blessed! And I want to share my gift with the WORLD!!!
MWAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::cut back to the
apartment::
Eagle: Ah, TV sweet TV. (switches
on the tube)
Geo: Yah, there's nothing quite
like the mind-numbing radiation of the boob tube. Twizzler? (offers Eagle
the package)
Eagle: (takes one) Why
thank you, Geo. Kinda quiet around here without Zazu...
Geo: (mouth full of Twizzlers)
Not exactly. Lookit the tube.
::on the tube::
Talk show host: Our next guest is the
rising new star in the faith healing business, and he'll be giving a
demonstration of his gift at the Cathedral on Thurdsay! Please welcome Zazu
Torque!
Zazu: (walks on stage like
he's the cat's meow...and in this case he is!) Thank you! (blows kisses
at the audience and several fangirls faint) Thank you! You're beautiful! (sits
down in the chair while several fangirls throw roses and undergarments at him)
Talk show host: Zazu, you're one of the
rising stars in the faith healing world...what do you have to say to all those
skeptics out there?
Zazu: Well, I only have one thing
to say to them...[expletive]!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: o.O
Zazu: I mean....KAMI-SAMA BLESSED
ME!!! DO YOU WANT TO DOUBT THE POWER OF KAMI-SAMA AND BE CAST INTO THE
ABYSS?!?!?!
Everyone: No! WE DOUBT NOT
KAMI-SAMA'S POWERS!!!!!
Zazu: Then come see me on
Saturday at the big Cathedral downtown where I will be giving a free
performance of my powers!!!
Everone: YAY!!! FREE!!! THE BOY IS
BLESSED BY KAMI-SAMA!!!!
::cut back to the
apartment::
Eagle: Wow, he's really relishing
this.
Geo: (mouth full of
Twizzlers...again) I blame society.
Eagle: You blame society for
everything! You sound like my grandpa.
Geo: But I'm not your grandpa.
I'm an artist that no one appreciates.
Eagle: Ehhhh. Maybe we could go
see Zazu...you know to give him our support even though he's making a baka out
of himself?
Geo: My sister is getting
married that day. You're on your own.
Eagle: You could pop in during the
reception, though? I mean, she is getting married right next door.
Geo: (rolls eyes)
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............fine.
Eagle: Yay!
Geo: Oh, speak for yourself!
***
Scene 3: It's Zazu's big day! But of course, someone will
ruin it - I mean the guys have some pretty bad luck. Well, just read
on...nothing to see here.
***
Zazu: (backstage wearing a
very tacky white suit with sequins on the collar) Oy I'm nervous...What if
I screw up???
Eagle: I'm sure you'll do fine
Zazu! I mean, you really wowed people on that talk show.
Zazu: Yah, but the people who
watch that kind of stuff are easily swayed!
Eagle: True, true.
Zazu: I need a drink!!! (attempts
to open a bottle of vodka, but Eagle snatches it away)
Eagle: No, Zazu! You need to be
sober for this!
Zazu: Just a l'il bit? (Eagle
shakes his head) Siiiiiiiiiiigh.....
Eagle: Now go! (shoves Zazu
onto the stage)
::The moment of truth...::
Zazu: Hello, my people!
Crowd: ZAZUUUUU!!! WE LOVE
YOOOOOOU!!!!!!!
Zazu: Come forth, my children!
Allow the power of Kami-sama to heal all of your ills!
Victim #1: Mr. Torque, I have a nasty,
festering planters wart on my foot! Heal me! Heal me with your power!!!
Zazu: (whips out some Compound
W) BE HEALED!!! BE HEALED!!! (rubs it all over the dude's foot)
Victim #1: ZAZU TORQUE CURED ME WITH
HIS MAGICAL CREAM!!!! THANKS BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!!
Crowd: THANKS BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!!
ZAZU TORQUE PERFORMS MIRACLES!!!!
Zazu: And what ails you, my son?
Victim #2: My stomach is pained with
indigestion! I fear it is the chili I ate for dinner.
Zazu: (whips out some Tums and
pours them down the guy's mouth) NOW BE HEALED OF THE FIRE THAT PLAGUES
YOUR BELLY!!!
Victim #2: Zazu Torque has healed me!
PRAISE BE TO KAMI-SAMA!!!
Crowd: TRUELY KAMI-SAMA IS WORKING
THROUGH THIS BOY!!!!
Zazu: Now, what is disturbing
you?
Victim #3: I fear that my life is
worthless if I don't have a man. Society has poisoned my brain with its ideals!
Zazu: (looks at audience and
jumps into the young lady's arms) FEAR NOT, FOR I SHALL BE YOUR MAN!!!!!!!
Crowd:
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (several fangirls throw tomatoes at
the lady)
::Suddenly, the door to the
Cathedral flies open and Geo runs in, looking very, very sexy in a tux and
apparently choking on something. He staggers his way over to the stage...::
Man in crowd: The man is possessed by the
devil!!! (the crowd erupts)
Geo: (turning blue)
Cho....cho.......kiiiiing....
Woman in crowd: HE SPEAKS THE DEVIL'S
TONGUE!!!!
Crowd: EXORCISE HIM, ZAZU
TORQUE!!!!!
Zazu: (worried) Don't
worry, Geo...I'll do something...errrrr.....umm....BEGONE WITH YOU, SATAN!!! (punches
Geo in the gut....but that prooves fruitless because he doesn't HAVE a gut.)
Man in crowd: SATAN HAS A HOLD ON THAT
MAN!!!! HE'S MAKING HIS FACE TURN BLUE!!!!
Geo:
Good.........bye........wo....rl......d.....
Zazu: BEGONE, SATAN!!!!! LEAVE
THIS MAN!!! (grabs Geo around the waist and, in an amazing feat of strength,
gives him the Heimlich maneuver.)
Geo:
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!! (hacks up a piece of
half-eaten wedding cake and passes out from lack of strength)
Crowd: ZAZU TORQUE HAS DONE IT
AGAIN!!!!!!
Woman in crowd: Hey! That man wasn't
possessed!! He was just choking to death on a piece of half-eaten wedding cake!
(points to the nasty mess on stage) See!
Man in crowd: YAH! And his "cures" are
nothing but common, over-the-counter medications!!
Crowd: ZAZU TORQUE IS A FRAUD!!!!
(several people throw tomatoes at him)
Zazu: NOOOO!!!!! COME BACK MY
PEOPLE!!!!! (everyone files out, save for the author who fainted from a
nosebleed when Geo walked in wearing a tux) Awwwwww......
Eagle: (coming out from
backstage) Well, Zazu, you lost your following....but at least you did do
something worthwhile. (points at Geo's motionless body)
Zazu: Yah, and now he owes me big
time!
Eagle: I think he was fortunate
that his sister's wedding was right next door.
Zazu: (blinks) No, I think
he's just fortunate to have me save his butt everytime he does something
stupid.
Eagle: Well, that too. Kami-sama
works in mysterious ways.
Zazu: Yah, but he never gave me
anything special and exploitable like healing powers!
Eagle: Well, no one appreciates
cheesy 80s programming like Diff'rent Strokes like you...
Zazu: HEY THAT SHOW RULES!!!!
Eagle: It sucks!!!
Zazu: IT RULES!!
Eagle: SUCKS!
Zazu: RULES! (he takes a swing
at Eagle and a fight ensues)
fin