Who Sees the Real Me?
By Madame Meow

Hmmm, okay. Another strange idea that popped into my head one
day, as I was reading a very good fanfic. I thank Theria and SephZero for
the semi-inspiration their story, which I can't currently remember the
name of *looks sheepish*, provided to me. That being said, this isn't
going to be a full-fledged story, just a short one shot-er. It deals with
what happened after Lina casts the Giga Slave at the end of Next. We all
know, or at least, most of us (myself excluded since I've never actually
seen the end of Next, *sweatdrop* why am I writing this again?) that
when Lina lost control of the Giga Slave, the Lord of Nightmares
possessed her and Xelloss says that there was no way for her to come
back, she was gone. Of course, then, strangely enough, Gourry managed
to bring her back. Now, let's pretend that that little bit of fan-service
didn't actually happen, or rather, it happened differently, or that it was
someone else. Hehe, really, to say anymore would negate the need for
me to actually write the story, so why don't you just read it? Enjoy.

I don't own slayers, blah, blah, blah, do you really have to hear this
again?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"...by the power you and I possess, GIGA SLAVE!!"

Lina could feel the Nightmare energy, the unbelievably dark magic
welling up inside her. Ignoring the self-satisfied smirk on the
Hellmaster's face, she concentrated desperately on trying to control her
spell. Spinning out her swiftly waning energy, she clamped down as hard
as she could on the rapidly expanding globe of golden power she held
cupped between her palms. She could feel it spinning out of her reach.
The energy was being pulled from her now; she was no longer pushing it
out. As she felt herself being consumed, she thought wistfully of her
friends. ~You put your trust in me. I'm sorry I failed you.~

Lina's 'soul' dissolved into a bath of unearthly golden light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Lina' became aware gradually, a slow stretching of the senses, a
feeling of being alive extending from her. For some reason this felt
vaguely odd, and unexpected, but she was willing to ignore it for the
moment. That is until she tried to blink. At this point she realized
something was wrong. Lina suffered a flutter of anxiety when she
realized she had no eyes or eyelids with which to blink.

~HUSH CHILD, RELAX. I AM WITH YOU.~

The enormous thought reverberated through her awareness. And it
was a thought, for no voice could encompass the sheer glory of feeling it
ripple through her. But who...experimenting a little, Lina found her own
thought-voice.

~...who?~

A rush of offended amusement, as if to be unaware of whom it was
that thought was the height of absurdity.

~LORD OF NIGHTMARES. MORE IMPORTANTLY, CREATOR OF YOU.~

~...oh.~

Lina struggled with herself for a few moments. She felt somehow,
that she should be more focused, more compact in her thinking. Instead
her thoughts were spread out, diluted in a medium of formlessness.
Finally she let herself drift. Eventually her thought process led her to
where she felt she ought to go.

~ hellmaster...friends...safe?~

Lina felt a wash of faint irritation and complacency mixed.

~ HELLMASTER HAS BEEN DESTROYED FOR HIS INSUBORDINATION.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE AS WELL AS CAN BE, CONSIDERING THEIR CONCERN
FOR YOU.~

Lina could feel herself incrementally coming back together. Still it
felt like a few millennia before Lina's thoughts progressed enough to
process the next question.

~am...i...dead?~

~DEAD IS A LIMITING WORD. YOU CALLED TO ME, CHILD, AND I
ANSWERED. TAKING YOU BACK WITH ME WAS MY CHOICE. I CHOSE TO
EXERCISE IT.~

Lina could feel faint stirrings of anger and resentment, but they
didn't come from outside of her. They came from within.

~why?~

Lina felt a soothing wave brush over her awareness, as if she were a
cat who had just been stroked.

~OF ALL HUMANS, CHILD, YOU SOMEHOW, REMIND ME MOST OF
MYSELF.~

~that is it?...what if...i...wanted to go back?~

A decidedly unfriendly pause before the answer came.

~I WOULD DISLIKE IT IMMENSELY. BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO
DENY MYSELF ANYTHING. SHOULD SOMEONE DESIRE YOUR RETURN
ENOUGH TO PETITION TO ME, THEIR WISH WILL BE GRANTED.~

Lina felt vaguely that there was something wrong with that
wording. With her returning powers of reason she looked for the catch.

~so...if one of my friends comes...and asks for my return, i can go
back?~

Amusement came again, amusement that was just the teensiest bit
smug.

~INCORRECT. WE ARE IN MY SEA OF CHAOS CHILD. IT IS A REALM
OF POSSIBILITIES. SHOULD ONE OF YOUR COMPANIONS COME HERE,
THEIR OWN PRECONCEPTIONS WILL SHAPE THE FORMLESS POTENTIAL
INTO YOU. OR WHO THEY THINK YOU ARE.~

Lina mulled this over.

~then my return depends upon their ability to see...the real me.~

~CORRECT. IF EVEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS SEES THE TRUE YOU,
THE POTENTIAL WILL FORM YOU, DRAGGING YOUR AWARENESS INTO THE
VESSEL THEY HAVE FASHIONED.~

~if even one?~

~MY ESSENCE IS THAT OF POSSIBILITIES. IF DIFFERENT
POSSIBILITIES ARE PLAYED OUT, THE PERSON WHO COMES FOR YOU WILL
BE DIFFERENT.~

If Lina could have taken a deep breath, she would have. Instead
she settled with bolstering her courage, and placed her trust in her
friends.

~i believe in them.~

~THEN COME. LET US VIEW THE MOST LIKELY POSSIBILITY.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a formless entity, such as Lina now was, having a specific
vantage of view is impossible. But for the sake of our readers, let us say
that she is looking down at a transparent golden globe floating in a sea
of darkness, containing the illusion of her body within it.

Lina waited impatiently, the Lord of Nightmares a presence all
around her, for the most likely of her friends to come after her.

Moments later, Gourry leapt through a tear in the fabric of the
place, and looked around with cautious desperation as the sides of the
rent amalgamated together behind him. Lina wasn't surprised. It figured
that her 'bodyguard' would be the most likely of her friends to come
through. However, she had to wonder how clearly he had seen her, if he
truly believed she had NEEDED a bodyguard.

While Lina was pondering, Gourry had approached the glowing
globe, and the Sword of Light was sucked in, taking Gourry with it.
Anguished emotions shone in Gourry's eyes as he reached out and tried
to shake the Lina illusion awake, but it doesn't respond except to slowly
fade away.

The look on Gourry's face told Lina that his heart was breaking, but
as he seemed to be about to burst into tears, formless bits of the
Nightmare energy that inhabited every inch of this place turned golden,
coalescing into droplets. These droplets pooled together to make a
figure of Lina being encircled in Gourry's arms.

Or rather, a figure that looked like Lina. The real Lina, who
hovered in the surrounding space, felt not the slightest pull to enter the
body that Gourry so reverently embraced. And as the two started to fade
away, Lina sent an angry thought at L-sama.

~why wasn't i pulled in?~

The energy of the area fluxed, as if the Lord had shrugged.

~IT WAS NOT YOU.~

~how do you know?~

Lina immediately felt foolish saying that to the Lord of Nightmares,
but if it bothered L-sama, it didn't show.

~I'LL SHOW YOU.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world Lina had formerly inhabited appeared in front of Lina as
if on a screen. She could see herself, wrapped in Gourry's arms, appear
before the others, then moments later beat the hell out of her savior of
touching her. Lina frowned, first because the way she was hitting Gourry
seemed way out of proportion, and second because, as her double stood
up, she could see right off a few of the things Gourry had failed to see.

~the bastard did away with my breasts entirely!!!~

And it was true. Though her breasts, Lina could admit, at least to
herself, were not as big as the norm, that didn't mean she didn't have
ANY! But her double was as flat as a twelve year old boy. As Lina
watched longer, she could see other things similar to a twelve year old.
The new 'Lina' had narrower hips, and was several inches shorter in
height.

~he really did see me as a child, didn't he...~

~THERE ARE DEEPER DIFFERENCES AS WELL.~

In the blink of an eye, Lina watched the future roll out for her
counter-part. And as she watched, she could discern distinct changes in
the double's personality. For one thing, she tended to beat Gourry at the
drop of a hat. Lina did give Gourry a good thrashing when he did
something to deserve it, but as far as she could see, the double did it
whenever she felt like it, deserved or not. And when the time for battle
came, not-Lina fought more in the background, letting Gourry take care
of things for the most part.

Watching quietly, Lina came to a few conclusions.

~if that's how he saw me, no wonder he would never leave me
alone...that lina really does need him to protect it.~

~DO YOU WISH TO STOP NOW?~

~yeah. let's see how the rest of my friends do.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next likely person to try and save Lina was, amazingly, Amelia.
Perhaps it was her obsession with justice that prompted the rescue, but
considering Lina's growing experience with misconceptions, Lina wasn't
going to bet on it.

When the Lina-double-2 faded back into the 'real' world, wrapped
in Amelia's clingy hug, Lina could see that again, some of the differences
were physical. The Lina double was indefinably older. It wasn't that
there were wrinkles, or anything as obvious as that. But the air of
maturity and age clung to the double's body, making the body that
should have appeared sixteen to appear closer to thirty.

Again, the future played out as Lina watched. And Lina could see
almost immediately what changes Amelia had caused in her personality.
The new 'Lina' was the powerful ally-for-justice that Amelia had always
said the old Lina was. She killed bandits, not because she needed the
money, or because she took pleasure in her magic, but because they were
criminals, and she gave the loot she gained to charities and needy
people. She righted all wrongs, and defeated all evil. Lina was hard-
pressed to see even a glimmer of her former selfishness, pragmatism, or
street sense. And on top of that, the new 'Lina' was poor too.
Apparently, in giving all her money away, she hadn't kept a penny for
herself.

~she's made me a flatter, older version of herself! how dare she?!~

The thought of the Lord of Nightmare's laugh flickered through
her.

~SHALL WE MOVE ON?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next would-be savior was Zelgadiss. And when Lina saw how
he viewed her, she wondered why he had even wanted to.

Zelgadiss being the big believer in appearances that he was, he had
seen Lina's real body down to the broken toenail on her left foot. All the
changes had been internal. Here was the selfishness that had been
missing from Amelia's version, in spades. The driving forces in Lina-
double-3 appeared to be greed, hunger, and self-interest. She hoarded
her food then scarfed it down in seconds. Quests for Zelgadiss's cure
were delayed, sidetracked, or put off altogether as the Lina-double
indulged in her every whim and desire, reasonable or not. And when they
arrived at the temples, or ruins, or the homes of wise men, the double
always demanded first look at the ancient spell books, first choice of the
treasure, and the first chance to question the wise men. The fake Lina's
only saving graces seemed to be that it was almost painfully intelligent,
and incredibly powerful. Unfortunately, all that brilliance and power was
directed in the pursuit of Lina-double's happiness, no matter who or what
got in the way.

Even as Lina recoiled from this portrayal of her character, she
refused to be ashamed of the slight tug towards it she had felt when the
double had first been made. Knowing the Lord of Nightmares was
entirely aware of what she was feeling and thinking, she defended
herself.

~those aren't bad qualities, when in moderation. i have them, but
not in the quantities that Zel seems to think. i thought of other people
just as much as i thought of myself!~

L-sama's mind voice was almost mild, if the Creator's voice could
ever be mild.

~I NEVER THOUGHT OTHERWISE. NEXT?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sylphiel gave a shot at it next. Again, when Lina saw how Sylphiel
saw her, she wondered why she had bothered. At least she could console
herself with the thought that there had been no pull towards the body
this time.

Sylphiel's world revolved around Gourry. Apparently, Lina was only
an appendage to him in her world. And a jealous, greedy, destructive
one at that. The Lina-double clung to Gourry like a burr. But not for love
or affection. For the dual reasons of keeping him out of Sylphiel's loving
arms, and to get the Sword of Light. All the Lina-double's interactions
with Sylphiel seemed faintly taunting, as if the Lina-double had something
she knew Sylphiel wanted but would never have. The double ran around
blowing things up recklessly, without considering the consequences until
the deed was done, and abused Gourry mercilessly. The gentle priestess
seemed to view Lina as a world-destroying bomb, waiting to explode.

If the Lina-double was painful to watch, the future in store for the
fake Lina hurt even more. As the possibilities ran, Gourry, who
'somehow' had always been miraculously blind to Lina's manipulative,
abusive, violent ways until now, began to notice the newly more obvious
personality traits. And he didn't appreciate them. And neither did her
other friends. Gourry was driven into Sylphiel's waiting embrace, and
Amelia and Zelgadiss were just driven away. Alone and friendless, the
double continued to run around being randomly destructive, until one
day, she cast the Giga Slave and, spinning out of control, it introverted,
blowing her into a million little pieces.

To Lina, watching this, a painful vice seemed to have clamped on
her heart, except she didn't technically have one at the moment. But that
didn't make the feeling go away.

~i...thought we were friends. and all this time, she thought i was
taunting her with gourry.~

A soothing feeling washed over her.

~HUSH. THERE IS ONE LAST MAJOR POSSIBILITY. DO YOU FEEL UP
TO VIEWING IT?~

Lina wasn't sure if she wanted the last of her illusions shattered,
but she told herself to be brave. Lina Inverse didn't indulge in denial.
Even for the sake of her sanity.

~yeah. let's get it over with.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xelloss was the last possible petitioner. Lina, though she was
mildly surprised that he would think to ask for her back at all, supposed
it made sense that he would be the least likely possibility. It shocked to
the core when she felt a tug so strong that she almost was sucked into
the waiting vessel.

As she watched the last Lina-double live out it's life, she was more
shocked that she hadn't been sucked in entirely. Her duplicate looked
and acted exactly like her, as far as she could see. Confused, she sent
her bewilderment to her Creator.

~DO YOU WONDER WHY XELLOSS WAS ABLE TO SEE YOU MORE
CLEARLY THAN YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WERE ABLE, OR HOW THIS
DUPLICATE IS IMPERFECT?~

~both.~

~AS TO THE FORMER, HE SEES YOU MORE CLEARLY BECAUSE HE IS
FREE TO BE IMPARTIAL. HE WAS NOT YOUR REAL FRIEND, AND HAD NO
EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT BLOCKING HIM FROM SEEING BOTH YOUR
FLAWS AND YOUR VIRTUES.~

~oh...and the other?~

~HIS ONLY TRUE ERROR WAS IN SEEING YOU AS A THREAT TO THE
MAZOKU. BECAUSE THE MAZOKU SEE YOU AS A THREAT, THEY ASSUME
THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY IN RETURN.~

"whereas, i couldn't care less what the mazoku do, as long as they
don't interfere with me, or what i care about."

~PRECISELY. IT WAS A MIND-SET FLAW, RATHER THAN A
PERSONALITY FLAW.~

Though Lina shouldn't have taken it personally, it somehow felt like
the final nail in the coffin that even her enemies couldn't see her for what
she truly was. If she could have cried, she would have done so. As it
was, she hadn't an outlet for her anguish.

~doesn't anyone see the real me???~

Suddenly, the presence of the Lord of Nightmares seemed to
solidify, and engulfed even Lina's sprawling existence with tangible
feelings of comfort and love.

~I SEE THE REAL YOU, CHAOS CHILD, AS NO ONE ELSE CAN.~

Though the feelings of pain and disillusionment were waiting inside
Lina's awareness like a fireball waiting to sear her if she came near it,
Lina soaked up the affection and acceptance she could sense coming
from her Lord, hoping to put the fireball out.

~really?~

~I SEE YOU, LINA INVERSE. WILL YOU STAY WITH ME? BE HAPPY
WITH ME?~

The more Lina absorbed of L-sama's warmth, the more she could
feel herself becoming a part of it. It felt good, the balm of becoming
more than herself taking the edge off the isolation she felt at her friends
perceptions of her. Why shouldn't she stay here? None of her friends
really wanted her back in her reality. Not the real her. And in a way, L-
sama was all of them, had made all of them, but she was better, because
she loved Lina for all that she was, not what she thought Lina was. Would
she stay?

~yes, l-sama. i'll stay.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please read and review, or email me at
Madame_Meow@hotmail.com.