AC 197: later summer
Well, we all have a face
that we hide away forever,
And we take them
out and show ourselves when everyone has gone…
It was only very late in the night,
when there was no possibility of being disturbed, that he allowed himself to do
this. Hidden from view, in his darkened
bedroom, alone; only then would he permit himself to drop his hard-won
control. To abandon the carefully
cultivated facade he displayed to the world.
Only then could the 'real' Treize come out, bared to the night, when no
one was around. It was the only time he
allowed himself to examine his doubts and uncertainties, the lack of confidence
that the soldiers under his command could never be permitted to see.
The young leader of OZ sat in a
simple chair beside the window, peering out at the moon. The only light in his chamber was what
spilled in through the glass. The pale
illumination of the moon and stars, the type of light that leeched away the
colors, softened the shapes. It was the
gentle light of night that allowed his heavy heart to brood.
"When did my life spin so
horribly out-of-control? I used to be
so sure what I wanted, and how to achieve my goals. But now... I don't even know what
I want anymore. I am the most powerful
person in OZ, and yet that means nothing to me. Be honest with yourself, Treize.
You've never known what you really wanted. Every time you think you've got it figured out, the curveball
comes sailing in. So you sit here
alone, talking to yourself. Oh yeah,
you've really got it together."
Some are satin, some are
steel, some are silk and some are leather,
They're the faces
of a stranger, but we love to try them on…
"And it's not as if your love
life is any more in control. If
anything, your personal existence is more tangled than your professional. You've got Leia breathing down your
neck. You'd think she'd forgotten all
about the divorce. I get a few
promotions and she's perched on my doorstep, salivating. Damn vulture! Thank God for Lady Une.
She can deal with the woman; I have no patience for her. I don't know how the Hell I put up with her
during the time we were married. I
should have just told my family to go screw themselves and leave me alone. But I didn't, and now I have a greedy
ex-wife scrambling to get her hands on anything I make. And if she doesn't start giving me my
visitation rights soon I'm gonna drag that bitch back into court.
"Then there's Zechs/Milliardo. He can't decide which side he's on. I can't blame him though; he's caught
between duty and family. I've been
there; it's never an enviable position.
And Wufei... Mein Gott Treize,
you gave up any pretense of a simple love life a long time ago. Admit it, you like the chaos. You enjoy being at the center of a swirling
maelstrom. You've never been happy with
a peaceful existence. You need conflict. Gives you something to occupy your free time
with."
Well we all fall in love,
but we disregard the danger,…
"Ach Milliardo. I miss having you near me, my friend, my
love. They say the first love is always
the most painful. It certainly was for
us. We didn't really know what we were
doing, did we? Two kids, exploring love
and sex and the resulting prejudice for the first time."
"What are we doing,
Trey?"
"I thought it was fairly
obvious."
"I don't mean that!
Ahh! If you keep that up, I
won't be able to think straight."
Treize chuckled. "That's the idea."
"Mmm. Not that I mind, but could you hold off a minute?"
"What's wrong, Loki?"
Milliardo smiled at the familiar
nickname. "Have you thought about
what your family is going to say about us?"
"So we don't let them find
out. At least till you're too old for
them to do anything about it."
"Do you think we can keep it a
secret for that long?"
"We'll have to. I love you.
I don't want to give you up.
Now, come here my 'beautiful wolf', prove to me that you deserve the
name I've given you..."
Treize smiled at the memory. They had spent a wonderful weekend together,
exploring each other and themselves.
They still didn't know who found them out, probably never would. He had no idea what happened to Milliardo,
they'd never discussed it. But he
acutely remembered the lecture from his father, and when he didn't show proper
submission and remorse, the whipping.
Milliardo had been sent away for the rest of his summer break from the
academy. He had never again been
welcome in the Kushrenada house, the only home he'd known since the Sank
Kingdom fell. At least at the academy
they had been able to continue their affair.
He had been an upperclassman, and Noin had always been willing to cover
for Zechs.
Though we share so many
secrets, there are some we never tell,…
"Ach Zechs, your secret is safe
with me. I would never betray your
trust, though I believe Noin also knows.
We did so many crazy things together, Loki, my beautiful trickster. We've shared so much of our lives, so much
of our souls, and yet there is so much we haven't shared. Like what really happened to you the night
the Sank Kingdom fell. You would never
speak of it, but such an expression of pain and loss... And I just can never
seem to bring myself to tell you about Wufei.
But then again, you've never told me about your relationship with Noin
either."
Why were you so surprised,
that you never saw the stranger?…
"Who are you now, my Loki? Are you Zechs Merquise, the 'Lightening
Count', the pale wolf of OZ? You are
well liked, even loved by the soldiers in your command, but so distant from
me. Or are you Milliardo
Peacecraft? From prince to pauper in
the span of a single night, nearly the last of your family, forced to hide
behind a mask of steel. Who are
you? The man who serves me? The man I love? Or are you someone else now, a stranger in the form of my
lover?"
Did you ever let your lover,
see the stranger in yourself?…
"How much have we changed? It seems so long ago, that carefree weekend
when we were still innocent. What has
this war done to us? What will be the
price? How different am I? Do you still see 'Trey' when you look at me,
or 'General Kushrenada'? Trey is
slipping away I fear. I see less and
less of him, and more of a stranger I don't know."
Don't be afraid to try
again.
Evry'one goes
south, evry'now and then…
"On that horrible afternoon,
when you were sent away; I thought a part of me had died. I didn't know if I would ever see you
again. If you would even want me. And if you didn't, I didn't think I would
ever love again. But we stuck it out
and found each other, and learned that our time apart hadn't diminished our
love. We're older now, but it's still
there. And it doesn't seem to lessen,
even as we take others to our hearts and beds."
You've done it, why can't
someone else?
You should know by
now, you've been there yourself…
"You hesitate sometimes,
Loki. I wonder if it is because you
have another, or if you are still concerned about our positions, or if you are
thinking of my other loves. You were so
careful to push me away when it became clear that I outranked you. You didn't want others to think that you or
I were abusing our status for personal gains.
Oh, there were personal gains, but they had nothing to do with OZ. I may outrank you, but I have never considered you my subordinate, in
battle or the bedchamber. It has been
your unquestioned loyalty that has sustained me. And now I am in a position where no one will question who I take
to my bed, regardless of rank.
"So why do you still push me
away? Are you afraid of hurting
me? Are you afraid that we may truly
end up on opposite sides of this conflict?
If only you knew. I'm already
dealing with that. Do you know about my
dragon-child? Is that the problem? I hope to God I never have to choose between
you two. I wouldn't know what to
do."
Once I used to believe, I
was such a great romancer…
"At least there was no contest
between you and Leia. I can't believe I
actually married the woman. I was
trying to keep my family happy and they wanted her. So like the dutiful son I was trying to be, I courted the
girl. I think you were vaguely amused
by the whole situation. You knew I
didn't love her, she didn't love me.
Leia was a challenge, could I woo her even though I felt nothing for
her? It went on for months. But slowly she came around, and I realized
that though I didn't love her, I did care for her. I did as my family wished, and married Leia Barton."
Then I came home to a woman,
that I could not recognize…
"It is amazing how quickly one
changes. No sooner did we return from
the honeymoon and Leia was different. I
don't think I noticed it at first, or if I did I denied it. Second thought, maybe she didn't change at
all. I think maybe she was always a
petty, vindictive schemer; who just happened to also be a good actress. I looked at her one day and realized, I had
no idea who she was."
When I pressed her for a
reason, she refused to even answer…
"Then I caught her in bed with
that courtier of hers. In my bed! At least we were
discreet. I probably would have ignored
them, it's not as if I could cast stones.
But then she had to go and open her mouth. I can take a lot of abuse, but she slandered you, mocked our
love. In that moment I realized exactly
why she'd married me, status. She
thought I would inherit the Kushrenada fortune, and therefore she would inherit the Kushrenada
fortune. Backstabbing opportunist. What a bitch. Using me for my money, as if she didn't have enough of her own
with the Barton family behind her. I
was such a fool."
It was then I felt the
stranger, kick me right between the eyes…
"My family of course blamed me,
blamed us. If I weren't seeing a man on the side it never would have
happened. Yeah, right. Would things have been different if I'd been
keeping a mistress? Of course, that is
if not condoned, at least accepted. But
Leia's still the conniving little bitch she's always been. She is quite an actress and my family bought
it; hook, line, and sinker. They made her out to be the victim. So in some ways, she got her wish, access to
the Kushrenada fortune, just not completely.
Though I'm certainly paying her enough as a settlement.
"I washed my hands of the
family right then and there. Though I
do regret not being able to reconcile with my father before his death, but I
doubt anything would have changed. The
only good thing to come out of that whole situation is Mari. Pisses me off that her bitch of a mother is
keeping me from seeing my daughter.
Since she took her back up to space, I never see her. I'm missing so much. I don't want to be a stranger to my child."
Well we all fall in love,
but we disregard the danger,…
"You were pushing me away, my
marriage was a disaster, and suddenly there was Chang Wufei. Standing there, so brave, so proud; facing
me on my own terms. What struck me was
the lack of fear in his eyes, for all that he was years my junior and so much
smaller physically. I respected
him. After his defeat, I yearned for
another opportunity to cross swords with the proud son of the Dragon Clan. I relished the challenge. I certainly didn't intend to be so attracted
to the boy, or to fall in love."
Though we share so many
secrets, there are some we never tell…
"Sleeping with the enemy. That has got to be the crowning achievement
of my twisted love life. But he was so
beautiful..."
Treize watched the young man out
of the corner of his eye. His heart
beat rapidly in anticipation of their rematch.
"Guten Abend, Drache. So
nice of you to drop by."
Wufei's eyes narrowed and he stared
at the General along the length of his sword.
"Why do you call me that?"
"You are Chang Wufei, of the
Long clan, are you not? If I am not
mistaken, 'long' means 'dragon', and so..." He shrugged.
"Prepare yourself!" Was all the warning Treize received before
the Chinese pilot attacked. The boy was
good, very good; but the General had him beat in experience and power. Wufei's youthful speed almost made up for
it, but something seemed off. Treize
watched the boy closely and came to a startling realization. The slight pilot was a little too thin, and utterly exhausted. Only pride and adrenaline were keeping him
on his feet. Treize trapped the boy's
sword and with a flick of his wrist, sent it spinning into the dark.
"Kill me." Wufei pleaded, his onyx eyes dull.
"That is something I will not
do, Dragon." All the fight seemed
to leave the boy and he slumped, defeated.
Treize dropped his sword and went to his side. "Wufei, are you all right?" The young pilot didn't respond, just sort of wobbled on his
feet. Treize was barely able to catch
him as he collapsed.
"I don't know what possessed me
to keep your presence a secret that night.
Maybe it was respect for you.
Maybe it was your beauty; I always have been a sucker for a pretty
face. Or maybe it was that lost look in
your eyes when you asked, no begged me to kill you. It all started that night, once again, I had fallen in
love."
Why were you so surprised,
that you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let
your lover, see the stranger in yourself?…
"I have even less of a clue
what I'm doing with you than I do with Loki.
Ach, mein 'dragon-child', I am ten years your senior, it seems somehow
wrong, but I can't stop. Love is funny
that way; she tends to ignore things like 'age' and 'gender'. I can't imagine never being with you again,
yet each morning you leave I'm sure it is for the last time. I try to make each stolen moment that we are
together memorable, because I know eventually you will be gone. One way or another you will leave. I hope, I pray, it is because you find
someone else and not due to your death in battle. The guilt would be unbearable.
You are such a different person in the bedroom, my Dragon. You seem filled with uncertainty. Is it because you have never truly known
love before? Or is it because of who we
are?
"That first time you came
to me, you were so frail. You had
pushed yourself too far, and were ill because of it. I was content to merely care for you. But somehow, I fell for you.
Then you came back again. Not
knowing why, or for what. You were a
delight my Dragon, still are. But I
wish I knew what brings the pain to your lovely eyes every time we make
love? What am I doing to you,
'dragon-child'? You assure me that I am
causing you no pain, at least no unwanted pain. So what causes those tears in your eyes? You say it isn't me, so it must be in your
past. Who hurt you? Will you ever let me see the shadows in your
soul? And if you do, will I have to
show you mine?"
Don't be afraid to try
again.
Ev'ryone goes
south, ev'rynow and then…
"I wonder what will happen when
you two find out about each other. It's
bound to happen eventually. It's not as
if either of you make appointments. But
I hope it is Milliardo that walks in on Wufei and not the other way
around. Loki will understand, I don't
think my Dragon would, not in the first shock anyway. The boy would bolt and I would never have a chance to
explain. I should probably tell them. Aber Gott, it'll be so hard. Please don't make me choose. And please don't let this war take you two
from me. I don't think I can start
over, not again."
You've done it, why can't
someone else?
You should know by
now, you've been there yourself…
"I need you. Both of you. With you, Loki, I have a partner. You know me so well, we grew up together. We were each other's first. You are the warm, familiar blanket I huddle
under during those long, cold, winter nights.
There is a give and take in our relationship, which lets it endure,
despite everything that has been thrown at us.
"My 'dragon-child', you are the
fire that stirs my passions. Exotic and
yet so wonderfully naive. It is a joy
to share each new experience with you.
You challenge me; keep me from getting too comfortable. It would be interesting to see how the two
of you would be together."
You may never understand,
how the stranger is inspired.
But he isn't
always evil, and he isn't always wrong…
"I'm clinging to them to preserve
what little of 'Trey' is left. This war
is changing us all. Who knows if what
we have can survive outside of it. Is
it desperation that fuels our passion, or love? Fates willing, we will all live long enough to figure that one
out.
"My, my what a tangled web we
weave. To sleep with my enemy or to
sleep with my subordinate. To Hell with
my ex-wife. I may never know what has inspired
me to continue with these affairs. I
simply can't do anything the easy way can I?
But is what I, what we, are doing so very wrong? Most of society would say so, although they
seem to turn a blind eye toward soldiers in wartime, at least if you're not an
officer. 'Shield-mates', that's the
term I've heard. Why is it so wrong for
officers to love? That may be a
question that is destined to never be answered."
Though you drown in good
intentions…
"What am I doing to you
two? I have only good intentions, but I
can see this whole situation blowing up in my face. Just like this war. It
was never intended to go on like this.
I thought OZ would take over in the coup, the Gundams would be blamed
and defeated, the countries would return to their own rule, and everything
would be fine. What the Hell
happened?! Romafellor decides to return
to the Dark Ages. Tsuberov's
'demon-spawn', oh sorry, mobile dolls; wreak havoc throughout Earth and
space. And the Gundams not only prove
to be a vastly more powerful enemy than anticipated, but they end up being the
'good guys'," *sigh*
"Mein Gott. Loki, I'm so sorry to do this to you. I've nearly put you in a position of
choosing your sister; she is so annoying, or me. I never wanted that. I
wanted to help you protect her. I never
bargained on her surrendering to Romafellor.
Perhaps we should break her out.
I thought the Gundams would have done that by now. Ach, Loki; I miss you.
"I miss Wufei too. It's been a while since you've come to see
me. That Maquanac I saw in the bar said
you were with the Winner kid. That's
good. Certainly better than a man 10
years older than you. But I can't help
feeling a bit jealous. I want you to
myself, although I could learn to share.
I only wanted to give you a resting place outside of this horror of a
war. I never meant to bring you more
pain. Dragon, Dragon; what do you see
in me?"
You will never quench the
fire…
"I've tried, God knows I've
tried to release both of you. One way
or another, I don't expect to be able to escape this war unscathed. Either OZ will be victorious, and I will be governing
the Earth, with one or both of you the defeated party; or Romafellor will win
and we will all be executed; or I will die.
"It burns, this need. I need you, both of you. Please, don't leave me. I sound so pathetic, a grown man, nearly
weeping. But I'm so tired. So tired.
I can't seem to rest. I can't
seem to do anything. The two of you
have managed to light the fire and now I can't put it out. It'll never go away, even if you do. I think I will just quietly go insane."
You'll give in to your
desires, when the stranger comes along…
"I try to hold myself
aloof. I don't want to hurt you, and I
don't want to be hurt by you. But if
one of you showed up in my bed, I couldn't push you out. I am the weakest of the three of us. Ironic, no? I hold the highest rank and power and am in the weakest
position." He shook his head. The most powerful man in OZ went back to his
solitary bed and curled up under the blankets.
He lay there staring into the darkness.
A rustle behind him warned the General of the presence of someone else
in his bedchamber. He rolled over,
sliding his hands under the pillow for the gun Milliardo had hidden there and
the knife secreted by Wufei. An
assassin was always a possibility. A
shadow stood just inside the doorway.
"Hi, Trey..."
-sin
sin, tis done-
Yes,
I am evil. So, who is it, hmm? The real question is, does it really
matter? ^_~
