Holding On
By Starrysapphire, Taito Empress
Disclaimer - Yeah, yeah, Digimon belongs to someone else, yadda, yadda, yadda, lets move on.
Yes, this is Slash, yaoi, Taito which you should already know from reading the first part. Please don't flame, I have warned you, I hate useless flames.
Like last time, any continuity glitch-ups, please say so in your REVIEW. And no, S2 hasn't happened yet.
Thanks for everyone who reviewed the first one and asked for a next part, sorry this has taken so long. My account decieded to be a miserble bitch and wouldn't let me post chapters. But I hope this was worth the wait.
Coming home from hospital is like entering another world. A world with air and colours. But it felt big. Scary.
The apartment was changed. Anything I could use to hurt myself was hidden or locked away.
Tai took me into my room which had been tided and thoroughly gone though. Quietly, Tai drew the curtains over the balcony door which I knew had been locked so I couldn't jump off. I sat on the bed and looked around.
"How are you?" Tai asked gently.
I shrugged and nodded.
"No room under this bed for you," I teased him gently.
Tai groaned.
"Not funny Yamato," he said "Three hours under that bed. And then I got caught. It was a nightmare!"
I grinned faintly then lay down. Tai came over and lay down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder.
"When are we going to tell your dad?" he asked, sounding slightly hesitant "He's likely to notice something."
"My father?" I said, barely stifling a scornful snort "It took him two hours to wonder where TK and I had gone on that night and another half hour to find the note. He probably wouldn't realise if we started kissing right in front of him!"
Tai sat up and I suddenly realised that my body was shaking violently.
"Sorry," I whispered "Sorry."
"That's okay," Tai said "You still have lots of - what did that nurse say? - inner rage."
I shrugged and tried to stop myself shaking. Tai lay down again and began kissing my cheek lightly, trying to help me.
"Do you want to tell your parents?" I asked, struggling to relax.
Tai winced.
"No," he said, sounding a bit guilty "I'd rather keep it secret for a little bit."
"Worried about how people will react?" I asked.
He looked even more guilty.
"Maybe a bit," he said.
I understood. Admitting you're gay, even to yourself is hard and it took me ages to accept what I was. I didn't care if Tai wanted it kept secret or shouted from the rooftops. All that mattered was that I was with Tai.
Reaching up, I ran my hand down his face. He has such smooth skin. His lips met mine and I clung on, stroking his hair.
Then the door banged open. Tai leapt away from me so fast, he fell off the bed and landed on the floor with a crash.
"Nice move Tai," Sora said.
"Really discreet," Izzy agreed.
The Digidestined were standing there, arms full of food, obviously ready for a party. They were all laughing at us.
"Haven't you people heard of knocking?" Tai demanded, getting to his feet and glaring at them. They all grinned back, completely unfazed. Kari came over and sat on the bed, emptying her armful of things.
"Presents and party food," she said cheerfully.
"I remembered the drinks," Joe said, sounding very proud.
"It's a Welcome Home party," Mimi said "But we thought if you were too tired, we could leave it here and have it another time."
"We did?" Joe yelped "But as well as drinks, I brought Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream and that's my favourite! Plus, it'll melt."
I tried not to laugh at Joe's look of outrage.
"You guys didn't have to do this. Really," I said "But since you have....who am I to keep Joe away from his Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream?"
"Thank you!" Joe said promptly.
"Well I think that stuff's gross!" Mimi said "I prefer eating healthy snacks."
Tai made a disbelieving snorting noise and then grabbed the tub of Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream. Joe gave a furious yelp and tried to get it back.
Leaning back against my pillows, I laughed as Joe chased Tai round the room.
And the pain was gone. For a while.
* * * *
"TK!" I yell "Get off that!"
"Look Matt!" he calls back "No hands!"
"Stop it TK!" I shout.
He grins at me, precariously balanced on the balcony rail. Then he slips slightly. "Woah!"
I have to get him off that rail. He'll fall in a minute. I run towards him....
....then my foot collides with the broken tile. I fall forwards with a yell, my hands flying out to catch me. They slam into TK, knocking him. I leap up straight away, but it's too late. TK is already falling.
"TK!!!" I scream "NO!!! TK!!!!!!!!"
But it's too late. Nothing I can do. TK tumbles though the air, smacking into another balcony with a painful crack, bouncing off and falling before smashing into the ground, his tiny body crumpled on the floor.
"TK," I whisper again, feeling in my own bones that whatever I do, it's too late now.
Then I'm in the hospital, with Mum and Dad, waiting for the news which I know will soon come "We're very sorry...."
Mum's hysterical tears, Dad trying to comfort her, my own 'eerie' silence. Only I don't want to be silent. TK's dead! He's dead!
"NOOOO!" I scream "NO! NO! NO! NO! TK! TK!"
And I know things have changed because in the hospital I couldn't scream, could only sit there, my head in a whirl, feeling sick and knowing I'd killed TK, it was my fault. But in the dream I can scream and I continue to scream only I'm not in the hospital anymore. I'm sinking into a dark cave and there's no one to help me, not this time. I claw at the sides but I'm sliding, sliding. There's nothing I can do except one thing. I keep screaming.
* * * *
"Matt! Matt, wake up! Matt!"
My eyes snapped open. Tai was bending over me, his face pale.
"Tai!" I gasped "Oh Tai!"
He wrapped his arms round me and I began to cry again.
"The same thing?" he murmured into my hair.
"I still couldn't save him Tai," I whispered "I still couldn't save him!"
Tai rocked me to and fro, muttering soothing things, holding me as close as physically possible. I sobbed violently until I thought I would be sick. Tai knew I was getting to that point too because he began to rub my shoulders, talking to me.
"There, there Matt. Stop crying. It's all right, shhhh, stop crying."
Slowly, my tears stopped. I curled up in the bed like a wounded hedgehog, wishing for my knife. Tai lay down beside me and draped an arm over me, resting his head on my shoulder. Feeling soothed, I dozed off again to more unpleasant dreams.
* * * *
After a while, things fell into a pattern. Tai came over every day after school. I had a Nurse to take care of me in the day. Her name was Toshi and I didn't like her very much. She treated me like a dumb kid instead of a sixteen year old. I stayed in my room as much as I could, ignoring her. She kept trying to make me discuss my feelings.
"I don't have any feelings," I told her eventually "I. Don't. Care. That's it. Completely. Nothing."
It worked. She stopped going on at me to share. But I still hated her and looked forward to Tai arriving.
But nothing was easy. The pain inside me still ached so badly. I kept looking for something to use to remove the pain. Sometimes I scraped at my arms with my fingernails but it didn't really work. I felt so lost and confused. I didn't want to die anymore. Just remove the pain.
"Can I go out on the balcony?" I asked Toshi one day.
"I don't know," she began but I cut her off.
"Oh please! You'll be with me, I won't throw myself off. I only want some air, just a few minutes! Please?"
She sighed and then nodded.
"Okay. Just for a little while though."
I went out and sat on the balcony. I hated it. It was scary. I kept on seeing TK tumbling off the rail in front of me. But I'd had an ulterior motive. When Toshi wasn't looking, I quickly reached out and scrabbled behind my back until I found what I was looking for.
The sharp broken tile.
I slipped a piece into my pocket and kept it hidden. I waited until it was night before going into the bathroom. I looked at my arms. They were both so scarred...so ugly. Grabbing the tile, I slashed myself with it in a reasonably unmarked spot. I watched at the blood trickled out, the pain inside ebbing. After a while, I carefully cleaned it and bandaged it. Then I hid the broken tile behind the sink before going back to my room. Maybe now I could sleep without nightmares.
* * * *
The tile was my secret. I tried not to use it too much but I kept needing it. I had to get rid of the pain. I hated feeling so miserable, so depressed all the time.
Then one evening Tai was over. He was telling me about school, about something some guy had said to him.
"Tai," I said suddenly "What do people at school think happened to me?"
He suddenly went very quiet "Um, I don't really know."
"Liar," I said "You must know. You're one of the most popular kids in school. You hear everything."
He blushed "Listen Matt, I really think..."
"Just tell me," I interrupted.
Tai swallowed.
"Well, most of the kids reckon that you're sick with flu or something," he said.
"And the others?"
Tai looked even more miserable. I obviously was desperately wanting me to drop the subject. A good thing about Tai though is he always tells you the truth. He never misses bits off.
"Well, a few of them think that you might have tried to top yourself," he said "And a few just think that...that you're sick in the head."
I froze up. I couldn't help it. Sick in the head? I'm not sick in the head. That's a horrible thing to say.
"What exactly do they say?" I asked, keeping my voice calm.
Tai turned his gaze onto the bed.
"Well, I've only heard a few," he mumbled "A few of the kids think that TK's death drove you over the edge a little. Maybe made you a little crazy. That's all."
"All. Yeah," I said. The pain was inside me, trying to force it's way out, trying to take me over, make me into a big walking pain-monster, trying to kill me.
"I have to go to the bathroom," I said and got to my feet. I went in there quickly and snatched the tile. Tears were pushing at my eyelids, running down my face. Pulling up my sleeve, I slashed blindly, not even looking. The pain was excruciating and glancing down, I saw that I'd cut slightly too close to my wrist for comfort. Blood was gushing out steadily, making a mess of the sink.
"Matt?"
I realised too late that I'd forgotten to lock the door. Tai opened it. His eyes got huge and horrified. Then he rushed over, grabbing a towel as he did.
"Matt! Oh god!"
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed "I'm so sorry!"
Tai pulled me over to the bath and sat me down. Then he wrapped an arm round me, his other hand pressing the towel to my arm.
"It's okay Matt. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..."
He kept saying it over and over as he tried to stem the blood flow. I don't know if he believed it though. He was crying as he tried to soothe me, tears running down his checks in little streams.
"What did you use?" he asked.
I pointed at the broken tile.
"I remembered it," I said "I knew everyone had forgotten that the broken tile would have sharp edges. Hell, everyone except you and me had forgotten about the broken tile. So I got Toshi to let me out there for a few minutes and grabbed it."
Tai looked at my arms, at the newer cuts. He pulled me closer.
"Matt," he said, a bit timidly "Maybe you should go and talk to somebody..."
I cut him off.
"I don't want to talk to anyone," I said "I don't want to tell some stupid person that I don't even know about my problems."
Tai gulped.
"But you've got to get this TK thing off your chest," he said "Otherwise it'll always be haunting you, forever and..."
He didn't get any further. I punched him in the face with my good arm.
"Get OVER it!" I screamed at him as he lay on the floor, staring up at me "Get OVER it? How the HELL am I supposed to get over huh? HOW? When Kari dies, YOU try getting over it!"
"That's not what I meant Matt!" Tai shouted, leaping up. He looked angry and blood was trickling from his nose "I'm talking about how guilty you feel. It wasn't your fault and you have to accept that! Until you can, you'll never stop this!"
"Who says I want to stop?" I yelled back "Huh? You don't even know how I feel about this! No one does! All they can do is decide that I'm sick in the head! Is that what you think huh? Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Of course I don't think you're crazy!" Tai yelled, his face pale with rage "I'm only trying to help you!"
"I don't want your help!" I screamed "I can manage fine without you! Just get lost Tai! Just get lost!"
"Fine!" Tai yelled "If that's how you feel!"
Turning, he stormed out of the bathroom and out of the apartment. I dropped onto the edge of the bathtub again, trembling and shaking. Oh God, what had I done? What had I done? I needed Tai, I loved Tai, why had I just yelled like that?
"Tai...Tai, come back..."
It came out as a hoarse croak. Anyway, Tai was gone, I'd heard him leave. He'd never come back to me now, never. There was nothing, I'd lost him, I'd lost everything...
I picked up the tile. It was sharp enough. I could just slash my wrists again, end it, finish it....
"MATT! MATT!"
The tile tumbled from my fingers and I turned. Tai had thrown himself into the apartment again and charged into the bathroom, throwing his arms around me. I clung to him, burying my head in his shoulder.
"God I'm sorry!" he sobbed "I'm so sorry....I left and then.....then I thought.....thought about what you might do....I was so scared....god, Matt, Yama, love, I'm so sorry!"
I just clung on to him, tears still pouring down my face.
"Don't leave me," I whispered "Don't ever leave me Tai, please never leave me. I couldn't bear it. I need you."
Tai nodded.
"I need you too Matt. I promise, no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. You know I will. I'll never let you down. Never."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
We stood there in the bathroom, arms round each other, crying, for a long time.
* * * *
After that, I really began to try. I didn't want to leave Tai, never wanted to leave Tai. We threw out the tile and I tried to think of anything else I could hurt myself with so that we could prevent it. I agreed to try to find someone to talk to. But there was one thing that I wouldn't do, not even for Tai. I wouldn't tell anyone else the truth about TK. I got almost hysterical when Tai tried to convince me.
"They'd hate me, they'd hate me, they'd hate me!" I sobbed over and over again until Tai put his arms round me and swore that I didn't have to tell them, that he wouldn't and that it would all be okay. He told Dad that I needed counselling and he began sorting it out. While we waited, Tai reassured me that no matter what happened, things would work out, they'd all be great. I wasn't so sure. The pain was still there, it was so difficult to squash. But I'd promised Tai that I'd try...
Around three weeks later, I started to scratch one spot on my hand, the space between my thumb and index finger. I scratched over and over again. It didn't exactly work like the knife but it made the pain lessen a bit, made me feel better enough not to want to do anything really stupid.
Tai and I were lying on my bed, snuggled up tightly. I had my eyes closed at was listening to his steady heartbeat thumping gently away. He was playing with my hair.
"I love you," I whispered to him.
"I love you too," he whispered back, his face nearly buried in my hair. Smiling, I snuggled closer. My Tai. My beautiful, safe, warm, sweet Taichi. Grinning, Tai tilted my face up to his and kissed me, gently at first, then harder. I was only too happy to let him, pulled him closer. We kissed for a few minutes, just enjoying it. Then Tai's hand started to wander lower, stroking my chest and stomach lightly. At first I didn't really notice until his hands moved slightly lower. That was when I felt a tingle of nervousness. Tai's kisses had changed slightly, there was more of a pressure, a longing in them. He had moved slightly; he was half on top of me now, his hands beginning to play with my shirt buttons. Half of me was ecstatic, want this, wanted to feel Tai's hands on my bare skin but the other half was afraid. Did I want it to go this far? Tai was lying on top of me now, his kisses moving from my mouth to dance lightly over my face and neck before returning. My brain was beginning to have difficulty functioning and I knew that if I had a problem with this, I had to say so now.
"Tai..."
He pulled back a little and looked at me. His face was flushed, his eyes filled with desire. I swallowed uncertainly.
"I don't know..."
His face fell slightly.
"You don't have to be afraid," he said "It'd be okay. I'd take care of you."
I snorted faintly.
"Like you're the expert!"
He grinned a bit.
"Are you sure?" he asked "You know I'd never try to force you into anything you don't want to do."
For a second, I wanted to tell him to forget it and kiss him again. But I couldn't deny it, I was afraid of taking such a big step. But what if Tai got upset about it? What if Tai left because of it? What if...?
"I'll wait," Tai said softly, as though he could read my mind. Which knowing Tai, he probably did have a good idea of what I was thinking.
I nodded.
"I'm sorry Tai. It's just...."
He nodded and got off me, looking a bit sheepish.
"I'm the one who should be sorry," he said "I should have asked before..."
He trailed off looking a bit embarrassed. For a second, we just stared at each other. Then I broke the silence.
"So, anyway, you had some history homework for me?"
"Oh yeah!"
Tai looked relieved at the distraction and ducked down to grab his bag. I swallowed and pushed away my feelings. I wasn't going to do anything until I was ready. And that was my last word on that matter.
* * * *
For a few days, Tai was a little wary round me, obviously a bit embarrassed after what had happened. But then everything was back to normal and things were the same. Things actually seemed to be looking up. I wasn't even seeing anybody yet but I was still feeling a bit better about myself. Even knowing what I'd done, Tai still loved and wanted me. He still insisted that it wasn't my fault. Could he actually be telling the truth? I wasn't sure. But the pain inside was a bit less. I didn't want to die, didn't want to hurt myself nearly so much. I think people sensed it. I still had Toshi with me in the day but she was slightly more lax. I wasn't on twenty four hour watch. The nights pretty much belonged to me although Dad made regular checks on me. Things were looking up a bit.
Until.....
Tai wasn't there. Dad and I were eating take-out food.
"TK used to like this," I said softly.
Dad glanced at me then looked back at his food.
"Matt," he said suddenly.
"Yeah?"
"How did TK really die?"
I stiffened. Why was he asking me that?
"I told you. I went off the balcony," I said "When I came back, he was falling."
Dad nodded.
"Are you sure that's what happened?" he asked, keeping his voice neutral.
"Of course I'm sure!" I snapped. Why was he asking these questions? Did he suspect me, was he going to keep asking me, try to wear me out, oh God, if he found out he'd hate me, he already looks angry...
"Matt!"
I suddenly realised that I was kneeling on the floor. I couldn't breathe properly, felt scared, sick. I was crying with fear, struggling to gasp in air, shaking violently. My heart was pounding violently, like it was trying to break out of my ribs. What was wrong with me?
"Matt, should I call an ambulance?"
I wasn't sure, didn't want to go back to hospital, all those questions, no colours, a nightmare.
"Tai," I forced out "Get Tai..."
I needed him there, needed Tai, needed my love. He'd help me breathe, make everything okay.
By the time Tai arrived, I was breathing easier, had stopped crying. Tai took me to bed and tucked me in like a kid, whispering that it would all be okay.
"What happened?" I asked him.
"I think you had a panic attack," Tai said softly "It's okay though."
I waited until he'd gone out, then walked over to the door and listened.
"He had a panic attack I think. Shortness of breath, fear, feelings of sickness...Kari had some after TK first died. What was happening at the time?"
"I was asking him about TK's death."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not entirely satisfied that Matt's been telling us the truth," Dad said sounding grim "I over-heard you and him talking once."
Oh God...
"Really?" Tai said.
"He was saying that he hadn't meant to do it," Dad said "And you said that no one would think that he had and Matt said that everyone wouldn't hate him if they ever found out the truth about TK."
Tai said nothing. I was shaking again. Oh God my father suspected. Oh God. What was I going to do?
"Well Tai? Why else would he have a panic attack when I started questioning him?"
"It's not my business," Tai said flatly "You shouldn't have been listening to our conversation."
"This is my house!"
"But it's illegal to spy on other people, even in your own house," Tai said.
Dad made an angry noise.
"Matt should be okay now," Tai said "I'd better go."
I heard him leave then crept back to bed. I huddled down, trying to protect myself with the blankets.
"I'm sorry..."
The words slipped out without me even intending to say them. I hurt so much. Just wanted to cut myself, to get rid of the ache inside. I began trembling, scratching my skin over and over. I was a bit surprised when it started bleeding but didn't stop until my finger was slipping on the blood, smearing it everywhere. Then I licked the blood off, tasting the coppery old-coins taste in my mouth before curling up and sleeping uneasily in a sleep plagued with nightmares.
* * * *
I was wary round Dad after that. He didn't see my cut. Tai did. I told him the truth about it. He looked incredibly upset but just begged me not to do it again. He also pleaded with me, begging me to tell my father the truth. I started to have another panic attack when he suggested it and he gave up, just gently stroked my back as I trembled and shook.
"Matt, I'll always love you, no matter what," he told me quietly "You never have to worry about what I'll say. I'll always stick by you."
I smiled at him weakly.
"I know Taichi," I said "I know you will."
"Good," he said.
It was two days later that Dad sat me down and demanded that I told him the truth.
"I know you've been lying Yamato," he said bluntly "I'm sorry if it upsets you but I think that I have a right to know how my son died."
I stared at him, struggling not to panic.
"Dad..."
"The truth Yamato!"
I swallowed painfully. Those horrible memories.
"We...we were out on the balcony..."
"Yes?"
"TK....he was showing off, sitting on the rail, waving....had to stop him...."
"And?"
"Dad please!" I begged "Please don't, please just leave it, please..."
"No!" he shouted "Dammit Matt, I want to know what really happened to my son! Don't you think I have? Don't you think that your mother has a right to know?"
I swallowed again, fighting the tears that were bubbling up.
"I ran to grab him....the broken tile..."
Dad went very quiet suddenly.
"I fell....threw out my hands.....I....I....I..."
"You pushed him."
His voice was toneless. I collapsed, sobbing into my hands.
"I'm sorry!" I howled "I'm so, so sorry, it was an accident, I forgot about the loose tile..."
"You forgot!" he shouted "You FORGOT! How could you forget about that tile?"
"I was trying to stop TK falling!" I wailed "It slipped my mind!"
My sobs grew more violent as my memory dredged up the visions of that awful day.
"I didn't mean to!" I sobbed "It wasn't intentional, I tripped, it was an accident, it wasn't my fault..."
Dad slapped me across the face. My tears stopped straight off. I stared at him, eyes huge. I'd never seen Dad so angry.
"Go to your room!" he shouted "How dare you sit there and say that? You're brother is dead because of your irresponsibility! And you didn't even see fit to tell us the truth! GET TO YOUR ROOM!"
I fled. If I'd been thinking, I'd have realised that it was only the shock and upset that made him so irrational. But I wasn't thinking. My brain was swimming, I couldn't focus. I crouched on the bedroom floor, crying bitterly. Tai wasn't there, where was he, I needed Tai! Maybe Tai didn't want me. I heard Dad on the phone. He'd been telling everyone, they'd all hate me, ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod...
I had to get out.
Staggering to my feet, I crept to the doorway. I was right. Dad had left his house keys on the hall table. I could hear him on the phone, telling someone. I walked up to the keys, picked them up, opened the door and fled out into the darkness.
* * * *
I wasn't sure how long I wandered. I only woke up from my semi-trance when I nearly got knocked over by a car. The driver angrily hooted and then went off. It didn't matter to me. I'd have been happy to die. It was raining, water dripping down my head, down my neck, soaking my clothes. I didn't care. I couldn't stand it. Not anymore. Everyone hated me.
I walked to the highest bridge I knew about. Slowly, I climbed up it. It fell down onto hard concrete. I sat at the top, staring silently down at the concrete. If I fell, I'd die. Die and be with TK and the pain would be gone and everything would be okay...
Tears began to roll down my face. It was an accident, I didn't mean to hurt him, now everyone hated me, now they'd all want to kill me...
"I'm so sorry," I whispered "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
I chanted it over and over again, edging closer to the edge. One last shove and I'd be flying, flying though the air like TK had...
"MATT!"
I glanced down. It was Mrs Yagami, her eyes huge with terror.
"Go away!" I yelled down at her "Leave me alone!"
"God Matt, don't do anything!" she shouted "Tai and the others are coming, just don't do anything!"
I vaguely wondered what she was doing there. I supposed that Dad had got search parties out. Probably wanted to kill me himself.
I edged closer to the edge.
"Matt! Matt, don't, don't!"
It was Tai. He began to climb towards me, staring up at me in fright.
"Go away Tai!" I sobbed "Leave me alone! It doesn't matter anymore, you hear me? It doesn't matter. Just leave me alone!"
"Matt, you can't!" Tai cried, his voice wild "You can't leave me, you can't!"
"I can't take this anymore!" I choked "I can't stand the pain! My father hates me, everyone hates me, I've got nothing, nothing..."
My grip loosened. If I let go now, I'd fall...
"You have me!" Tai shrieked "You have me, you'll never lose me, you're my Matt, my love! I love you Yamato Ishida!"
I heard several gasps on the ground below us. I looked at him uncertainly. Tai had been the one who wanted to keep our relationship secret from everyone except the other Digidestined. And now he just screamed it out for anyone to hear.
"I love you," Tai said, his voice more calm now "And you father loves you and your mother loves you. Your father was upset, it was a shock but he loves you, doesn't want to lose another son. And your friends love you. Kari and Sora and Izzy and Joe and Mimi. We all love you. Don't leave us Yamato. Please don't leave me."
I looked at him uncertainly.
"Go with him Matt."
I blinked uncertainly. Behind Tai's head was a blurry shadow, possibly caused by the rain but maybe...?
I blinked again. Was it....? Could it be...?
"Come back to me Matt," Tai whispered. He was on the same level as me, was holding out his hand.
"Now's not your time Matt."
Was I imagining it? I didn't know. But...
"Please come back. Don't leave me now, not now."
I reached out and gripped Tai's hand. He pulled me carefully over to him and hugged me tight, his tears mingling with the rain water. I hugged him back, shaking and shivering.
"I love you blonde-boy," he whispered.
"I love you goggle-head," I whispered back, kissing his ear lightly.
We began to carefully make our way back down. I felt oddly light, like things were better now. Had I seen TK? I didn't think I'd ever find that out. But it was okay. Tai loved me, he'd love me forever. He'd promised.
Hands grabbed us as soon as we'd reached the bottom. Dad hugged me, saying how sorry he was, over and over. I wasn't really listening, just felt exhausted.
"Let's go home," he said softly.
I nodded. Tai detached himself from his family and walked back with us. We went inside and Dad made us hot chocolate while Tai put me to bed. He sat next to me cross-legged on the bed. I told him what I thought I'd seen. I expected him to say that I was talking crap. He didn't.
"Maybe you did," he said with a shrug.
"You don't believe in ghosts," I said.
"Who said anything about ghosts?" Tai said softly "Maybe it was just your unconscious self telling you what TK would say. Because I know your little brother Matt. And he'd never want you to hurt yourself, never want you to die. He loved you too much for that."
I nodded, leaned back as Dad came in. I drank the hot chocolate quickly, then leaned back drowsily.
"Good night," I whispered.
I dozed off, Tai and Dad with me.
Maybe everything would be okay now.
The End.
Starrysapphire's Note; Hey, I hope that was a good second part. Is that enough or do you want more? If you do, any suggestions/comments you want to make would be appreciated, my talents are stretched at the moment and I love people's help and opinions. Thanks.
By Starrysapphire, Taito Empress
Disclaimer - Yeah, yeah, Digimon belongs to someone else, yadda, yadda, yadda, lets move on.
Yes, this is Slash, yaoi, Taito which you should already know from reading the first part. Please don't flame, I have warned you, I hate useless flames.
Like last time, any continuity glitch-ups, please say so in your REVIEW. And no, S2 hasn't happened yet.
Thanks for everyone who reviewed the first one and asked for a next part, sorry this has taken so long. My account decieded to be a miserble bitch and wouldn't let me post chapters. But I hope this was worth the wait.
Coming home from hospital is like entering another world. A world with air and colours. But it felt big. Scary.
The apartment was changed. Anything I could use to hurt myself was hidden or locked away.
Tai took me into my room which had been tided and thoroughly gone though. Quietly, Tai drew the curtains over the balcony door which I knew had been locked so I couldn't jump off. I sat on the bed and looked around.
"How are you?" Tai asked gently.
I shrugged and nodded.
"No room under this bed for you," I teased him gently.
Tai groaned.
"Not funny Yamato," he said "Three hours under that bed. And then I got caught. It was a nightmare!"
I grinned faintly then lay down. Tai came over and lay down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder.
"When are we going to tell your dad?" he asked, sounding slightly hesitant "He's likely to notice something."
"My father?" I said, barely stifling a scornful snort "It took him two hours to wonder where TK and I had gone on that night and another half hour to find the note. He probably wouldn't realise if we started kissing right in front of him!"
Tai sat up and I suddenly realised that my body was shaking violently.
"Sorry," I whispered "Sorry."
"That's okay," Tai said "You still have lots of - what did that nurse say? - inner rage."
I shrugged and tried to stop myself shaking. Tai lay down again and began kissing my cheek lightly, trying to help me.
"Do you want to tell your parents?" I asked, struggling to relax.
Tai winced.
"No," he said, sounding a bit guilty "I'd rather keep it secret for a little bit."
"Worried about how people will react?" I asked.
He looked even more guilty.
"Maybe a bit," he said.
I understood. Admitting you're gay, even to yourself is hard and it took me ages to accept what I was. I didn't care if Tai wanted it kept secret or shouted from the rooftops. All that mattered was that I was with Tai.
Reaching up, I ran my hand down his face. He has such smooth skin. His lips met mine and I clung on, stroking his hair.
Then the door banged open. Tai leapt away from me so fast, he fell off the bed and landed on the floor with a crash.
"Nice move Tai," Sora said.
"Really discreet," Izzy agreed.
The Digidestined were standing there, arms full of food, obviously ready for a party. They were all laughing at us.
"Haven't you people heard of knocking?" Tai demanded, getting to his feet and glaring at them. They all grinned back, completely unfazed. Kari came over and sat on the bed, emptying her armful of things.
"Presents and party food," she said cheerfully.
"I remembered the drinks," Joe said, sounding very proud.
"It's a Welcome Home party," Mimi said "But we thought if you were too tired, we could leave it here and have it another time."
"We did?" Joe yelped "But as well as drinks, I brought Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream and that's my favourite! Plus, it'll melt."
I tried not to laugh at Joe's look of outrage.
"You guys didn't have to do this. Really," I said "But since you have....who am I to keep Joe away from his Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream?"
"Thank you!" Joe said promptly.
"Well I think that stuff's gross!" Mimi said "I prefer eating healthy snacks."
Tai made a disbelieving snorting noise and then grabbed the tub of Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream. Joe gave a furious yelp and tried to get it back.
Leaning back against my pillows, I laughed as Joe chased Tai round the room.
And the pain was gone. For a while.
* * * *
"TK!" I yell "Get off that!"
"Look Matt!" he calls back "No hands!"
"Stop it TK!" I shout.
He grins at me, precariously balanced on the balcony rail. Then he slips slightly. "Woah!"
I have to get him off that rail. He'll fall in a minute. I run towards him....
....then my foot collides with the broken tile. I fall forwards with a yell, my hands flying out to catch me. They slam into TK, knocking him. I leap up straight away, but it's too late. TK is already falling.
"TK!!!" I scream "NO!!! TK!!!!!!!!"
But it's too late. Nothing I can do. TK tumbles though the air, smacking into another balcony with a painful crack, bouncing off and falling before smashing into the ground, his tiny body crumpled on the floor.
"TK," I whisper again, feeling in my own bones that whatever I do, it's too late now.
Then I'm in the hospital, with Mum and Dad, waiting for the news which I know will soon come "We're very sorry...."
Mum's hysterical tears, Dad trying to comfort her, my own 'eerie' silence. Only I don't want to be silent. TK's dead! He's dead!
"NOOOO!" I scream "NO! NO! NO! NO! TK! TK!"
And I know things have changed because in the hospital I couldn't scream, could only sit there, my head in a whirl, feeling sick and knowing I'd killed TK, it was my fault. But in the dream I can scream and I continue to scream only I'm not in the hospital anymore. I'm sinking into a dark cave and there's no one to help me, not this time. I claw at the sides but I'm sliding, sliding. There's nothing I can do except one thing. I keep screaming.
* * * *
"Matt! Matt, wake up! Matt!"
My eyes snapped open. Tai was bending over me, his face pale.
"Tai!" I gasped "Oh Tai!"
He wrapped his arms round me and I began to cry again.
"The same thing?" he murmured into my hair.
"I still couldn't save him Tai," I whispered "I still couldn't save him!"
Tai rocked me to and fro, muttering soothing things, holding me as close as physically possible. I sobbed violently until I thought I would be sick. Tai knew I was getting to that point too because he began to rub my shoulders, talking to me.
"There, there Matt. Stop crying. It's all right, shhhh, stop crying."
Slowly, my tears stopped. I curled up in the bed like a wounded hedgehog, wishing for my knife. Tai lay down beside me and draped an arm over me, resting his head on my shoulder. Feeling soothed, I dozed off again to more unpleasant dreams.
* * * *
After a while, things fell into a pattern. Tai came over every day after school. I had a Nurse to take care of me in the day. Her name was Toshi and I didn't like her very much. She treated me like a dumb kid instead of a sixteen year old. I stayed in my room as much as I could, ignoring her. She kept trying to make me discuss my feelings.
"I don't have any feelings," I told her eventually "I. Don't. Care. That's it. Completely. Nothing."
It worked. She stopped going on at me to share. But I still hated her and looked forward to Tai arriving.
But nothing was easy. The pain inside me still ached so badly. I kept looking for something to use to remove the pain. Sometimes I scraped at my arms with my fingernails but it didn't really work. I felt so lost and confused. I didn't want to die anymore. Just remove the pain.
"Can I go out on the balcony?" I asked Toshi one day.
"I don't know," she began but I cut her off.
"Oh please! You'll be with me, I won't throw myself off. I only want some air, just a few minutes! Please?"
She sighed and then nodded.
"Okay. Just for a little while though."
I went out and sat on the balcony. I hated it. It was scary. I kept on seeing TK tumbling off the rail in front of me. But I'd had an ulterior motive. When Toshi wasn't looking, I quickly reached out and scrabbled behind my back until I found what I was looking for.
The sharp broken tile.
I slipped a piece into my pocket and kept it hidden. I waited until it was night before going into the bathroom. I looked at my arms. They were both so scarred...so ugly. Grabbing the tile, I slashed myself with it in a reasonably unmarked spot. I watched at the blood trickled out, the pain inside ebbing. After a while, I carefully cleaned it and bandaged it. Then I hid the broken tile behind the sink before going back to my room. Maybe now I could sleep without nightmares.
* * * *
The tile was my secret. I tried not to use it too much but I kept needing it. I had to get rid of the pain. I hated feeling so miserable, so depressed all the time.
Then one evening Tai was over. He was telling me about school, about something some guy had said to him.
"Tai," I said suddenly "What do people at school think happened to me?"
He suddenly went very quiet "Um, I don't really know."
"Liar," I said "You must know. You're one of the most popular kids in school. You hear everything."
He blushed "Listen Matt, I really think..."
"Just tell me," I interrupted.
Tai swallowed.
"Well, most of the kids reckon that you're sick with flu or something," he said.
"And the others?"
Tai looked even more miserable. I obviously was desperately wanting me to drop the subject. A good thing about Tai though is he always tells you the truth. He never misses bits off.
"Well, a few of them think that you might have tried to top yourself," he said "And a few just think that...that you're sick in the head."
I froze up. I couldn't help it. Sick in the head? I'm not sick in the head. That's a horrible thing to say.
"What exactly do they say?" I asked, keeping my voice calm.
Tai turned his gaze onto the bed.
"Well, I've only heard a few," he mumbled "A few of the kids think that TK's death drove you over the edge a little. Maybe made you a little crazy. That's all."
"All. Yeah," I said. The pain was inside me, trying to force it's way out, trying to take me over, make me into a big walking pain-monster, trying to kill me.
"I have to go to the bathroom," I said and got to my feet. I went in there quickly and snatched the tile. Tears were pushing at my eyelids, running down my face. Pulling up my sleeve, I slashed blindly, not even looking. The pain was excruciating and glancing down, I saw that I'd cut slightly too close to my wrist for comfort. Blood was gushing out steadily, making a mess of the sink.
"Matt?"
I realised too late that I'd forgotten to lock the door. Tai opened it. His eyes got huge and horrified. Then he rushed over, grabbing a towel as he did.
"Matt! Oh god!"
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed "I'm so sorry!"
Tai pulled me over to the bath and sat me down. Then he wrapped an arm round me, his other hand pressing the towel to my arm.
"It's okay Matt. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..."
He kept saying it over and over as he tried to stem the blood flow. I don't know if he believed it though. He was crying as he tried to soothe me, tears running down his checks in little streams.
"What did you use?" he asked.
I pointed at the broken tile.
"I remembered it," I said "I knew everyone had forgotten that the broken tile would have sharp edges. Hell, everyone except you and me had forgotten about the broken tile. So I got Toshi to let me out there for a few minutes and grabbed it."
Tai looked at my arms, at the newer cuts. He pulled me closer.
"Matt," he said, a bit timidly "Maybe you should go and talk to somebody..."
I cut him off.
"I don't want to talk to anyone," I said "I don't want to tell some stupid person that I don't even know about my problems."
Tai gulped.
"But you've got to get this TK thing off your chest," he said "Otherwise it'll always be haunting you, forever and..."
He didn't get any further. I punched him in the face with my good arm.
"Get OVER it!" I screamed at him as he lay on the floor, staring up at me "Get OVER it? How the HELL am I supposed to get over huh? HOW? When Kari dies, YOU try getting over it!"
"That's not what I meant Matt!" Tai shouted, leaping up. He looked angry and blood was trickling from his nose "I'm talking about how guilty you feel. It wasn't your fault and you have to accept that! Until you can, you'll never stop this!"
"Who says I want to stop?" I yelled back "Huh? You don't even know how I feel about this! No one does! All they can do is decide that I'm sick in the head! Is that what you think huh? Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Of course I don't think you're crazy!" Tai yelled, his face pale with rage "I'm only trying to help you!"
"I don't want your help!" I screamed "I can manage fine without you! Just get lost Tai! Just get lost!"
"Fine!" Tai yelled "If that's how you feel!"
Turning, he stormed out of the bathroom and out of the apartment. I dropped onto the edge of the bathtub again, trembling and shaking. Oh God, what had I done? What had I done? I needed Tai, I loved Tai, why had I just yelled like that?
"Tai...Tai, come back..."
It came out as a hoarse croak. Anyway, Tai was gone, I'd heard him leave. He'd never come back to me now, never. There was nothing, I'd lost him, I'd lost everything...
I picked up the tile. It was sharp enough. I could just slash my wrists again, end it, finish it....
"MATT! MATT!"
The tile tumbled from my fingers and I turned. Tai had thrown himself into the apartment again and charged into the bathroom, throwing his arms around me. I clung to him, burying my head in his shoulder.
"God I'm sorry!" he sobbed "I'm so sorry....I left and then.....then I thought.....thought about what you might do....I was so scared....god, Matt, Yama, love, I'm so sorry!"
I just clung on to him, tears still pouring down my face.
"Don't leave me," I whispered "Don't ever leave me Tai, please never leave me. I couldn't bear it. I need you."
Tai nodded.
"I need you too Matt. I promise, no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. You know I will. I'll never let you down. Never."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
We stood there in the bathroom, arms round each other, crying, for a long time.
* * * *
After that, I really began to try. I didn't want to leave Tai, never wanted to leave Tai. We threw out the tile and I tried to think of anything else I could hurt myself with so that we could prevent it. I agreed to try to find someone to talk to. But there was one thing that I wouldn't do, not even for Tai. I wouldn't tell anyone else the truth about TK. I got almost hysterical when Tai tried to convince me.
"They'd hate me, they'd hate me, they'd hate me!" I sobbed over and over again until Tai put his arms round me and swore that I didn't have to tell them, that he wouldn't and that it would all be okay. He told Dad that I needed counselling and he began sorting it out. While we waited, Tai reassured me that no matter what happened, things would work out, they'd all be great. I wasn't so sure. The pain was still there, it was so difficult to squash. But I'd promised Tai that I'd try...
Around three weeks later, I started to scratch one spot on my hand, the space between my thumb and index finger. I scratched over and over again. It didn't exactly work like the knife but it made the pain lessen a bit, made me feel better enough not to want to do anything really stupid.
Tai and I were lying on my bed, snuggled up tightly. I had my eyes closed at was listening to his steady heartbeat thumping gently away. He was playing with my hair.
"I love you," I whispered to him.
"I love you too," he whispered back, his face nearly buried in my hair. Smiling, I snuggled closer. My Tai. My beautiful, safe, warm, sweet Taichi. Grinning, Tai tilted my face up to his and kissed me, gently at first, then harder. I was only too happy to let him, pulled him closer. We kissed for a few minutes, just enjoying it. Then Tai's hand started to wander lower, stroking my chest and stomach lightly. At first I didn't really notice until his hands moved slightly lower. That was when I felt a tingle of nervousness. Tai's kisses had changed slightly, there was more of a pressure, a longing in them. He had moved slightly; he was half on top of me now, his hands beginning to play with my shirt buttons. Half of me was ecstatic, want this, wanted to feel Tai's hands on my bare skin but the other half was afraid. Did I want it to go this far? Tai was lying on top of me now, his kisses moving from my mouth to dance lightly over my face and neck before returning. My brain was beginning to have difficulty functioning and I knew that if I had a problem with this, I had to say so now.
"Tai..."
He pulled back a little and looked at me. His face was flushed, his eyes filled with desire. I swallowed uncertainly.
"I don't know..."
His face fell slightly.
"You don't have to be afraid," he said "It'd be okay. I'd take care of you."
I snorted faintly.
"Like you're the expert!"
He grinned a bit.
"Are you sure?" he asked "You know I'd never try to force you into anything you don't want to do."
For a second, I wanted to tell him to forget it and kiss him again. But I couldn't deny it, I was afraid of taking such a big step. But what if Tai got upset about it? What if Tai left because of it? What if...?
"I'll wait," Tai said softly, as though he could read my mind. Which knowing Tai, he probably did have a good idea of what I was thinking.
I nodded.
"I'm sorry Tai. It's just...."
He nodded and got off me, looking a bit sheepish.
"I'm the one who should be sorry," he said "I should have asked before..."
He trailed off looking a bit embarrassed. For a second, we just stared at each other. Then I broke the silence.
"So, anyway, you had some history homework for me?"
"Oh yeah!"
Tai looked relieved at the distraction and ducked down to grab his bag. I swallowed and pushed away my feelings. I wasn't going to do anything until I was ready. And that was my last word on that matter.
* * * *
For a few days, Tai was a little wary round me, obviously a bit embarrassed after what had happened. But then everything was back to normal and things were the same. Things actually seemed to be looking up. I wasn't even seeing anybody yet but I was still feeling a bit better about myself. Even knowing what I'd done, Tai still loved and wanted me. He still insisted that it wasn't my fault. Could he actually be telling the truth? I wasn't sure. But the pain inside was a bit less. I didn't want to die, didn't want to hurt myself nearly so much. I think people sensed it. I still had Toshi with me in the day but she was slightly more lax. I wasn't on twenty four hour watch. The nights pretty much belonged to me although Dad made regular checks on me. Things were looking up a bit.
Until.....
Tai wasn't there. Dad and I were eating take-out food.
"TK used to like this," I said softly.
Dad glanced at me then looked back at his food.
"Matt," he said suddenly.
"Yeah?"
"How did TK really die?"
I stiffened. Why was he asking me that?
"I told you. I went off the balcony," I said "When I came back, he was falling."
Dad nodded.
"Are you sure that's what happened?" he asked, keeping his voice neutral.
"Of course I'm sure!" I snapped. Why was he asking these questions? Did he suspect me, was he going to keep asking me, try to wear me out, oh God, if he found out he'd hate me, he already looks angry...
"Matt!"
I suddenly realised that I was kneeling on the floor. I couldn't breathe properly, felt scared, sick. I was crying with fear, struggling to gasp in air, shaking violently. My heart was pounding violently, like it was trying to break out of my ribs. What was wrong with me?
"Matt, should I call an ambulance?"
I wasn't sure, didn't want to go back to hospital, all those questions, no colours, a nightmare.
"Tai," I forced out "Get Tai..."
I needed him there, needed Tai, needed my love. He'd help me breathe, make everything okay.
By the time Tai arrived, I was breathing easier, had stopped crying. Tai took me to bed and tucked me in like a kid, whispering that it would all be okay.
"What happened?" I asked him.
"I think you had a panic attack," Tai said softly "It's okay though."
I waited until he'd gone out, then walked over to the door and listened.
"He had a panic attack I think. Shortness of breath, fear, feelings of sickness...Kari had some after TK first died. What was happening at the time?"
"I was asking him about TK's death."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not entirely satisfied that Matt's been telling us the truth," Dad said sounding grim "I over-heard you and him talking once."
Oh God...
"Really?" Tai said.
"He was saying that he hadn't meant to do it," Dad said "And you said that no one would think that he had and Matt said that everyone wouldn't hate him if they ever found out the truth about TK."
Tai said nothing. I was shaking again. Oh God my father suspected. Oh God. What was I going to do?
"Well Tai? Why else would he have a panic attack when I started questioning him?"
"It's not my business," Tai said flatly "You shouldn't have been listening to our conversation."
"This is my house!"
"But it's illegal to spy on other people, even in your own house," Tai said.
Dad made an angry noise.
"Matt should be okay now," Tai said "I'd better go."
I heard him leave then crept back to bed. I huddled down, trying to protect myself with the blankets.
"I'm sorry..."
The words slipped out without me even intending to say them. I hurt so much. Just wanted to cut myself, to get rid of the ache inside. I began trembling, scratching my skin over and over. I was a bit surprised when it started bleeding but didn't stop until my finger was slipping on the blood, smearing it everywhere. Then I licked the blood off, tasting the coppery old-coins taste in my mouth before curling up and sleeping uneasily in a sleep plagued with nightmares.
* * * *
I was wary round Dad after that. He didn't see my cut. Tai did. I told him the truth about it. He looked incredibly upset but just begged me not to do it again. He also pleaded with me, begging me to tell my father the truth. I started to have another panic attack when he suggested it and he gave up, just gently stroked my back as I trembled and shook.
"Matt, I'll always love you, no matter what," he told me quietly "You never have to worry about what I'll say. I'll always stick by you."
I smiled at him weakly.
"I know Taichi," I said "I know you will."
"Good," he said.
It was two days later that Dad sat me down and demanded that I told him the truth.
"I know you've been lying Yamato," he said bluntly "I'm sorry if it upsets you but I think that I have a right to know how my son died."
I stared at him, struggling not to panic.
"Dad..."
"The truth Yamato!"
I swallowed painfully. Those horrible memories.
"We...we were out on the balcony..."
"Yes?"
"TK....he was showing off, sitting on the rail, waving....had to stop him...."
"And?"
"Dad please!" I begged "Please don't, please just leave it, please..."
"No!" he shouted "Dammit Matt, I want to know what really happened to my son! Don't you think I have? Don't you think that your mother has a right to know?"
I swallowed again, fighting the tears that were bubbling up.
"I ran to grab him....the broken tile..."
Dad went very quiet suddenly.
"I fell....threw out my hands.....I....I....I..."
"You pushed him."
His voice was toneless. I collapsed, sobbing into my hands.
"I'm sorry!" I howled "I'm so, so sorry, it was an accident, I forgot about the loose tile..."
"You forgot!" he shouted "You FORGOT! How could you forget about that tile?"
"I was trying to stop TK falling!" I wailed "It slipped my mind!"
My sobs grew more violent as my memory dredged up the visions of that awful day.
"I didn't mean to!" I sobbed "It wasn't intentional, I tripped, it was an accident, it wasn't my fault..."
Dad slapped me across the face. My tears stopped straight off. I stared at him, eyes huge. I'd never seen Dad so angry.
"Go to your room!" he shouted "How dare you sit there and say that? You're brother is dead because of your irresponsibility! And you didn't even see fit to tell us the truth! GET TO YOUR ROOM!"
I fled. If I'd been thinking, I'd have realised that it was only the shock and upset that made him so irrational. But I wasn't thinking. My brain was swimming, I couldn't focus. I crouched on the bedroom floor, crying bitterly. Tai wasn't there, where was he, I needed Tai! Maybe Tai didn't want me. I heard Dad on the phone. He'd been telling everyone, they'd all hate me, ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod...
I had to get out.
Staggering to my feet, I crept to the doorway. I was right. Dad had left his house keys on the hall table. I could hear him on the phone, telling someone. I walked up to the keys, picked them up, opened the door and fled out into the darkness.
* * * *
I wasn't sure how long I wandered. I only woke up from my semi-trance when I nearly got knocked over by a car. The driver angrily hooted and then went off. It didn't matter to me. I'd have been happy to die. It was raining, water dripping down my head, down my neck, soaking my clothes. I didn't care. I couldn't stand it. Not anymore. Everyone hated me.
I walked to the highest bridge I knew about. Slowly, I climbed up it. It fell down onto hard concrete. I sat at the top, staring silently down at the concrete. If I fell, I'd die. Die and be with TK and the pain would be gone and everything would be okay...
Tears began to roll down my face. It was an accident, I didn't mean to hurt him, now everyone hated me, now they'd all want to kill me...
"I'm so sorry," I whispered "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
I chanted it over and over again, edging closer to the edge. One last shove and I'd be flying, flying though the air like TK had...
"MATT!"
I glanced down. It was Mrs Yagami, her eyes huge with terror.
"Go away!" I yelled down at her "Leave me alone!"
"God Matt, don't do anything!" she shouted "Tai and the others are coming, just don't do anything!"
I vaguely wondered what she was doing there. I supposed that Dad had got search parties out. Probably wanted to kill me himself.
I edged closer to the edge.
"Matt! Matt, don't, don't!"
It was Tai. He began to climb towards me, staring up at me in fright.
"Go away Tai!" I sobbed "Leave me alone! It doesn't matter anymore, you hear me? It doesn't matter. Just leave me alone!"
"Matt, you can't!" Tai cried, his voice wild "You can't leave me, you can't!"
"I can't take this anymore!" I choked "I can't stand the pain! My father hates me, everyone hates me, I've got nothing, nothing..."
My grip loosened. If I let go now, I'd fall...
"You have me!" Tai shrieked "You have me, you'll never lose me, you're my Matt, my love! I love you Yamato Ishida!"
I heard several gasps on the ground below us. I looked at him uncertainly. Tai had been the one who wanted to keep our relationship secret from everyone except the other Digidestined. And now he just screamed it out for anyone to hear.
"I love you," Tai said, his voice more calm now "And you father loves you and your mother loves you. Your father was upset, it was a shock but he loves you, doesn't want to lose another son. And your friends love you. Kari and Sora and Izzy and Joe and Mimi. We all love you. Don't leave us Yamato. Please don't leave me."
I looked at him uncertainly.
"Go with him Matt."
I blinked uncertainly. Behind Tai's head was a blurry shadow, possibly caused by the rain but maybe...?
I blinked again. Was it....? Could it be...?
"Come back to me Matt," Tai whispered. He was on the same level as me, was holding out his hand.
"Now's not your time Matt."
Was I imagining it? I didn't know. But...
"Please come back. Don't leave me now, not now."
I reached out and gripped Tai's hand. He pulled me carefully over to him and hugged me tight, his tears mingling with the rain water. I hugged him back, shaking and shivering.
"I love you blonde-boy," he whispered.
"I love you goggle-head," I whispered back, kissing his ear lightly.
We began to carefully make our way back down. I felt oddly light, like things were better now. Had I seen TK? I didn't think I'd ever find that out. But it was okay. Tai loved me, he'd love me forever. He'd promised.
Hands grabbed us as soon as we'd reached the bottom. Dad hugged me, saying how sorry he was, over and over. I wasn't really listening, just felt exhausted.
"Let's go home," he said softly.
I nodded. Tai detached himself from his family and walked back with us. We went inside and Dad made us hot chocolate while Tai put me to bed. He sat next to me cross-legged on the bed. I told him what I thought I'd seen. I expected him to say that I was talking crap. He didn't.
"Maybe you did," he said with a shrug.
"You don't believe in ghosts," I said.
"Who said anything about ghosts?" Tai said softly "Maybe it was just your unconscious self telling you what TK would say. Because I know your little brother Matt. And he'd never want you to hurt yourself, never want you to die. He loved you too much for that."
I nodded, leaned back as Dad came in. I drank the hot chocolate quickly, then leaned back drowsily.
"Good night," I whispered.
I dozed off, Tai and Dad with me.
Maybe everything would be okay now.
The End.
Starrysapphire's Note; Hey, I hope that was a good second part. Is that enough or do you want more? If you do, any suggestions/comments you want to make would be appreciated, my talents are stretched at the moment and I love people's help and opinions. Thanks.