A/N: This is really stupid, and to be honest, I'm not sure whether it's funny or not. You tell me.
A Witch's Love — Harry Potter Meets Jerry Springer
by the demented Ellipsis
= = =
Audience: Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
Jerry: Hi, and thanks for tuning in to the Jerry Springer Show. I'm your host, Jerry
Springer, in case you couldn't guess, *ahem* and on today's show, a fine young wizard
wants to admit to a certain *winks* young witch his true feelings for her. But—*pauses
dramatically*—she already has a boyfriend!
Audience: Ooh!
Jerry: And much worse can it get? Well, my friends, it can't get much worse when all
three are—or, used to be—best friends!
Audience: *collective gasp*
Jerry: So…let's bring out our poor, love-deprived Harry Potter!
Audience: *breaks out in excited murmurs*
Harry Potter: *walks in, blinking slightly at all the bright lights, and settles himself into a
chair*
Jerry: *perplexed, but continues, with a glance at the audience* So, Harry—*does a
double take* Hey! *narrows eyes at audience, now talking animatedly* Cut! Cut!
Cameraman: *pays no attention to Jerry*
Jerry: *thinks that he's no longer on the air* What's with all this chitchat?! You're—*his
eyes widen*—you're all wearing—
*Black robes and tall, pointy hats?? poor Jerry thinks to himself, scratching his head*
What's going on?? Is this—what— *realizes he's still on the air* Cut! Just—just cut! I
have to straighten some things out! *massages his temples as he rushes over to
cameraman* Hey, did you hear me?! I said CUT!
Producer: *pretends to signal to cameraman*
Jerry: *panting slightly* That's better. Now, can someone please tell me what the hell is
going on?
Albus Dumbledore: *rising from his seat in the audience* It's simple, Jerry. Don't worry;
your show hasn't been taken over by the wizarding community. Fact is, we wouldn't
want it. It's just Wizarding Week on Jerry Springer. Your—
Jerry: Ahh, shut up, you old geezer. What would you—
Hagrid: *slams him against the wall, snarling* Take it back, yeh—yeh—oh, just take it
back!
Jerry: *in a nasty voice* And who's gonna make me?
Hagrid: *roars with rage and tightens his grip around Jerry's neck*
Jerry: *gasping* I—can't—breathe—ohhh….
Dumbledore: *eyes flashing* Hagrid, put him down! As I was saying—
Hagrid: *releases grip reluctantly*
Jerry: *slides to the floor, then immediately jumps back up, straightening his tie and
grinning* Ha ha ha, works every time.
Several audience members: *work to restrain Hagrid from jumping on Jerry again*
Dumbledore: AS I was saying, Jerry—ah, what *was* I saying? Basil?
Basil: *whispers in his ear*
Dumbledore: Ah. Yes. It's Wizarding Week on the Jerry Springer Show. Your audience
members have all been Avada Kedavra'd—no, wait, sorry—they've all been put into an
enchanted sleep. Your—ah, directors—have also been—
Jerry: Hey, where are my directors? And—and my producers? What—
Dumbledore: *solemnly* They're gone, Jerry. They've left you. There's nothing you can
do. We're sorry.
Jerry: *bursts into tears*
Dumbledore: But didn't you know about this? Didn't you know this would happen?
Jerry: Didn't I know what? You mean, didn't I know that they'd go and leave me? After
all those nights together…. I mean, uh, after all these years….
Dumbledore: No, you moron, I meant, didn't you know it was Wizarding Week.
Jerry: No. How the hell was I supposed to know?
Dumbledore: Well, you had a script, and everything…. No matter. Jerry, get your fat ass
over there and finish the show. *sits down, to many cheers and nods from the audience*
Jerry: *sniffling slightly* All—all right. *clears throat and looks at his note card thingy*
So—Harry Potter. You want to admit to this—girl you like her, is that correct?
Harry: *who has been sitting bewildered this whole time* Uh, yes—Jerry.
Jerry: *crossing his arms, knitting his eyebrows, and finally beginning to look like
himself again* But she has a boyfriend.
Audience: Ooh!
Harry: Yes, that's correct.
Jerry: And——you two have been best friends ever since first year.
Audience: Oooooooh!
Harry: *looks sad* Yeah.
Jerry: Tell me, Harry, what is it you like about this girl? Hermione Granger?
Harry: Well, Jerry, it seems like she's the—the perfect girl for me, you know? Smart—
really smart—really pretty, nice to elves, and everything. She's just—
Jerry: Perfect.
Harry: Yeah.
Jerry: So, Harry, who's the other boy in the picture?
Harry: You mean Hermione's boyfriend? That's Ron Weas—
Jerry: Let's bring out Ronald Weasley!
Audience: *applause*
Ronald Weasley: *brings all freckled, red-haired, five feet eight inches of himself onto
the stage and into a chair next to Harry, who shoots him a death look*
Jerry: Hello there, Ron.
Ron: Hey Jerry. *glances at Harry* By the way, Harry, McGonagall wanted *beep*
*beeeep* homework *beep* *beepen* *beep* but since *beep* *beep* *beeeep* let
you off.
Harry: Hey, he wasn't cussing.
Jerry: *in undertone* I know, but it sounds better if it seems like he did.
Harry: Oh.
Jerry: Anyways, Ron, your friend Harry here was just telling us about your girlfriend
Hermione.
Ron: Oh.
Jerry: *waits*
Ron: Oh! You want me to talk about—
Jerry: Sure.
Ron: Well, me and Hermione, we—
Jerry: Tell me, Ron—
Ron: You know, Jerry, it's very rude of you to keep interrupting me.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry. Well, I—
Ron: Listen, you want me to go on or not?
Jerry: Oh. Um. Yeah. I mean, sure. I mean, yes, please—do.
Ron: Well, me and Hermione, we've been friends since first year. But, a couple months
ago, we were talking in the common room, alone, I don't remember about what, and I
don't know, it just sort of—clicked.
Jerry: *slowly* Clicked.
Ron: Yeah, clicked. Like, we liked each other as more than just friends. So we started
hanging out together—alone—more often. Harry, of course, was *very* put out.
Harry: You bet your ass I was.
Jerry: Let's bring out the lovely Hermione Granger!
Audience: *cheers*
Hermione Granger: *walks in and settles herself on Ron's lap*
Ron: Hey, baby.
Hermione: Hey, sugar pie.
Jerry: *to stop a potential PDA before it happens* Uh, so you two are, uh, in love, huh?
Ron and Hermione: *looking at each other starry-eyed*
Jerry: Okay, uh, I think we'll take a break and come back to you with this rousing
episode after a message—or two—or three—from our sponsors! Don't go away!
Audience: *applause*
Jerry unclips his microphone and hands it to a crewmember while tossing his note cards
aside. He strides over to Harry, who is standing off to one side, glaring at the passionately
snogging Ron and Hermione.
"Harry!" Jerry says urgently. "You've—got—to—proclaim—your—goddamn—love—
for—Hermione—SOON! There're only six minutes and twenty-three seconds of the
show left and strictly speaking, I'm not even supposed to call a commercial break so late
in the show!"
"But—"
"Get your mouth in gear!" Jerry hisses before yelling to his one remaining producer to
call ten seconds and snatching up his note cards and microphone.
Jerry: Hello, and welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show! In case you weren't with us
before the commercial break, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are desperately in
love with each other, but Harry Pot—
A voice offstage: Five minutes, Jerry!
Jerry: *hurriedly* So, assuming that all of you were here with us before the commercial
break, let's bring in a witness to this whole affair—and no, folks, I don't mean *that*
affair—
Audience: *chuckles*
Jerry: Ginny Weasley!
Audience: *polite applause but in reality they are a bit miffed because there are only five
minutes left and there hasn't been any fighting or cussing*
Virginia Weasley: *flounces onstage wearing leather micromini and neon tube top and
sits on Harry's lap*
Audience (at least, the perverts in the audience): *catcalls*
Jerry: Welcome, Ginny.
Ginny: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: So you've been a witness to the—er, shall we say—horrific events of the past few
months involving your friends and your brother Ron.
Ginny: Yeah.
Jerry: And you're aware of Ron and Hermione's romance and Harry's ever-growing more-than-just-friends feelings for Hermione.
Ginny: *shoots look at Harry* Yeah, I suppose.
Harry: *leaps up, his face twisted with rage* Why, Jerry, you *beepen-beep* *beep*!!
*throws himself on Jerry and proceeds to beat him with his fists*
Ginny: *having just been thrown to the ground by Harry's suddenly standing* Oof!
Audience: *cheers* Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes proceed to run onstage and pull Harry off Jerry)
Ginny: *forgets she's injured and follows their every move with her eyes* Ooh-la-la!
Ron: So it's true, isn't it?! You've— *points a trembling finger at Harry* (we won't tell
you which one) —you've been—you've—behind my back!!
Harry: *puzzled* I've been behind your back?
Audience: Eww!
Ron: *screams with rage and throws himself on Harry*
(A furious fistfight ensues.)
Audience: *glad for some action* (and no, we don't mean that kind of action) Jer-RY!
Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
Harry: *is sitting on top of Ron, banging his head against the chair*
Ron: *tongue lolling out*
Hermione: *standing off to one side, horrified, with her hand over her mouth*
Ginny: *yelling* Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes proceed to pull Harry off Ron. Harry has a bloody nose
and Ron has a bump on his head. Both have black eyes, which are also crossed)
Mrs. Weasley: *yelling into Jerry's microphone* Ronald, I have NEVER been so
ashamed of you in my life! Well, yes, perhaps more when you crashed your dad's car—
but really— what an example to set for your little sister—and on national TELLYvision,
too—is that how you say it, Albus? okay—Ron, I am SERIOUS—no, I don't care if he
stole your girlfriend—get off him! You wait, you just wait and see—yes, I've got it—no
flying for two months! Yes, Ron, no, you deserve it! No, not even on Percy's
broomstick—I don't care if he never uses it—you—
Jerry: *wrestling his microphone out of Mrs. Weasley's hands*
Harry: *finally succeeding to get his head out of Ron's grasp and is pulling at his hair*
Hermione—
Hermione: *sobbing into Ginny's shoulder* Yes, Harry? Harry?
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes rush onto the scene. Ginny takes one starry-eyed look
and drags them both offstage by the scruffs of their necks.)
Ron: *bites Harry* Bleeargh—Hermione—
Hermione: Ron? Harry?
Harry: *gets over his pain and kicks Ron in the crotch* Hermione, will you go out with
me?
Ron: *screams like a girl*
Hermione: What? What, Harry—oh Ron, DO shut up—
Jerry: *talking to Madame Rosmerta* So, you see, what was I supposed to do? I had no
place to go, and that bastard Riddle cheated me out of my—what, Mundungus? Full
house? Liar—I've only got an ace of diamonds, a four of clubs, and a—my God! It's
true! Mundungus, you bastard! Deal again, Severus, and make sure you've shuffled this goddamn deck properly. *takes swig of beer*
Harry: *tries again* Will you go—AAHHHHH!!!!!
Ron: *digs fingernails into Harry's scalp* Away! Away! Hermione, darling, he wants
you to go away—he doesn't really—OW—
Harry: HERMIONE! *grunts as he tosses Ron aside like a shot put* Will you go out with
me??
Hermione: Of course, Harry, my love! But why ever didn't you say anything sooner?
And what about poor Ron?
Ron: *thud*
Harry: Didn't you love him?
Hermione: Well…yes, but in my heart *sighs* I always knew you were the one for me.
Audience: Aawwww….
Harry: Very well put. *picks her up with difficulty and walks offstage*
(Camera cuts to a scene of Harry and Hermione getting on a broomstick and flying off
into the night)
A Witch's Love — Harry Potter Meets Jerry Springer
by the demented Ellipsis
= = =
Audience: Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
Jerry: Hi, and thanks for tuning in to the Jerry Springer Show. I'm your host, Jerry
Springer, in case you couldn't guess, *ahem* and on today's show, a fine young wizard
wants to admit to a certain *winks* young witch his true feelings for her. But—*pauses
dramatically*—she already has a boyfriend!
Audience: Ooh!
Jerry: And much worse can it get? Well, my friends, it can't get much worse when all
three are—or, used to be—best friends!
Audience: *collective gasp*
Jerry: So…let's bring out our poor, love-deprived Harry Potter!
Audience: *breaks out in excited murmurs*
Harry Potter: *walks in, blinking slightly at all the bright lights, and settles himself into a
chair*
Jerry: *perplexed, but continues, with a glance at the audience* So, Harry—*does a
double take* Hey! *narrows eyes at audience, now talking animatedly* Cut! Cut!
Cameraman: *pays no attention to Jerry*
Jerry: *thinks that he's no longer on the air* What's with all this chitchat?! You're—*his
eyes widen*—you're all wearing—
*Black robes and tall, pointy hats?? poor Jerry thinks to himself, scratching his head*
What's going on?? Is this—what— *realizes he's still on the air* Cut! Just—just cut! I
have to straighten some things out! *massages his temples as he rushes over to
cameraman* Hey, did you hear me?! I said CUT!
Producer: *pretends to signal to cameraman*
Jerry: *panting slightly* That's better. Now, can someone please tell me what the hell is
going on?
Albus Dumbledore: *rising from his seat in the audience* It's simple, Jerry. Don't worry;
your show hasn't been taken over by the wizarding community. Fact is, we wouldn't
want it. It's just Wizarding Week on Jerry Springer. Your—
Jerry: Ahh, shut up, you old geezer. What would you—
Hagrid: *slams him against the wall, snarling* Take it back, yeh—yeh—oh, just take it
back!
Jerry: *in a nasty voice* And who's gonna make me?
Hagrid: *roars with rage and tightens his grip around Jerry's neck*
Jerry: *gasping* I—can't—breathe—ohhh….
Dumbledore: *eyes flashing* Hagrid, put him down! As I was saying—
Hagrid: *releases grip reluctantly*
Jerry: *slides to the floor, then immediately jumps back up, straightening his tie and
grinning* Ha ha ha, works every time.
Several audience members: *work to restrain Hagrid from jumping on Jerry again*
Dumbledore: AS I was saying, Jerry—ah, what *was* I saying? Basil?
Basil: *whispers in his ear*
Dumbledore: Ah. Yes. It's Wizarding Week on the Jerry Springer Show. Your audience
members have all been Avada Kedavra'd—no, wait, sorry—they've all been put into an
enchanted sleep. Your—ah, directors—have also been—
Jerry: Hey, where are my directors? And—and my producers? What—
Dumbledore: *solemnly* They're gone, Jerry. They've left you. There's nothing you can
do. We're sorry.
Jerry: *bursts into tears*
Dumbledore: But didn't you know about this? Didn't you know this would happen?
Jerry: Didn't I know what? You mean, didn't I know that they'd go and leave me? After
all those nights together…. I mean, uh, after all these years….
Dumbledore: No, you moron, I meant, didn't you know it was Wizarding Week.
Jerry: No. How the hell was I supposed to know?
Dumbledore: Well, you had a script, and everything…. No matter. Jerry, get your fat ass
over there and finish the show. *sits down, to many cheers and nods from the audience*
Jerry: *sniffling slightly* All—all right. *clears throat and looks at his note card thingy*
So—Harry Potter. You want to admit to this—girl you like her, is that correct?
Harry: *who has been sitting bewildered this whole time* Uh, yes—Jerry.
Jerry: *crossing his arms, knitting his eyebrows, and finally beginning to look like
himself again* But she has a boyfriend.
Audience: Ooh!
Harry: Yes, that's correct.
Jerry: And——you two have been best friends ever since first year.
Audience: Oooooooh!
Harry: *looks sad* Yeah.
Jerry: Tell me, Harry, what is it you like about this girl? Hermione Granger?
Harry: Well, Jerry, it seems like she's the—the perfect girl for me, you know? Smart—
really smart—really pretty, nice to elves, and everything. She's just—
Jerry: Perfect.
Harry: Yeah.
Jerry: So, Harry, who's the other boy in the picture?
Harry: You mean Hermione's boyfriend? That's Ron Weas—
Jerry: Let's bring out Ronald Weasley!
Audience: *applause*
Ronald Weasley: *brings all freckled, red-haired, five feet eight inches of himself onto
the stage and into a chair next to Harry, who shoots him a death look*
Jerry: Hello there, Ron.
Ron: Hey Jerry. *glances at Harry* By the way, Harry, McGonagall wanted *beep*
*beeeep* homework *beep* *beepen* *beep* but since *beep* *beep* *beeeep* let
you off.
Harry: Hey, he wasn't cussing.
Jerry: *in undertone* I know, but it sounds better if it seems like he did.
Harry: Oh.
Jerry: Anyways, Ron, your friend Harry here was just telling us about your girlfriend
Hermione.
Ron: Oh.
Jerry: *waits*
Ron: Oh! You want me to talk about—
Jerry: Sure.
Ron: Well, me and Hermione, we—
Jerry: Tell me, Ron—
Ron: You know, Jerry, it's very rude of you to keep interrupting me.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry. Well, I—
Ron: Listen, you want me to go on or not?
Jerry: Oh. Um. Yeah. I mean, sure. I mean, yes, please—do.
Ron: Well, me and Hermione, we've been friends since first year. But, a couple months
ago, we were talking in the common room, alone, I don't remember about what, and I
don't know, it just sort of—clicked.
Jerry: *slowly* Clicked.
Ron: Yeah, clicked. Like, we liked each other as more than just friends. So we started
hanging out together—alone—more often. Harry, of course, was *very* put out.
Harry: You bet your ass I was.
Jerry: Let's bring out the lovely Hermione Granger!
Audience: *cheers*
Hermione Granger: *walks in and settles herself on Ron's lap*
Ron: Hey, baby.
Hermione: Hey, sugar pie.
Jerry: *to stop a potential PDA before it happens* Uh, so you two are, uh, in love, huh?
Ron and Hermione: *looking at each other starry-eyed*
Jerry: Okay, uh, I think we'll take a break and come back to you with this rousing
episode after a message—or two—or three—from our sponsors! Don't go away!
Audience: *applause*
Jerry unclips his microphone and hands it to a crewmember while tossing his note cards
aside. He strides over to Harry, who is standing off to one side, glaring at the passionately
snogging Ron and Hermione.
"Harry!" Jerry says urgently. "You've—got—to—proclaim—your—goddamn—love—
for—Hermione—SOON! There're only six minutes and twenty-three seconds of the
show left and strictly speaking, I'm not even supposed to call a commercial break so late
in the show!"
"But—"
"Get your mouth in gear!" Jerry hisses before yelling to his one remaining producer to
call ten seconds and snatching up his note cards and microphone.
Jerry: Hello, and welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show! In case you weren't with us
before the commercial break, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are desperately in
love with each other, but Harry Pot—
A voice offstage: Five minutes, Jerry!
Jerry: *hurriedly* So, assuming that all of you were here with us before the commercial
break, let's bring in a witness to this whole affair—and no, folks, I don't mean *that*
affair—
Audience: *chuckles*
Jerry: Ginny Weasley!
Audience: *polite applause but in reality they are a bit miffed because there are only five
minutes left and there hasn't been any fighting or cussing*
Virginia Weasley: *flounces onstage wearing leather micromini and neon tube top and
sits on Harry's lap*
Audience (at least, the perverts in the audience): *catcalls*
Jerry: Welcome, Ginny.
Ginny: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: So you've been a witness to the—er, shall we say—horrific events of the past few
months involving your friends and your brother Ron.
Ginny: Yeah.
Jerry: And you're aware of Ron and Hermione's romance and Harry's ever-growing more-than-just-friends feelings for Hermione.
Ginny: *shoots look at Harry* Yeah, I suppose.
Harry: *leaps up, his face twisted with rage* Why, Jerry, you *beepen-beep* *beep*!!
*throws himself on Jerry and proceeds to beat him with his fists*
Ginny: *having just been thrown to the ground by Harry's suddenly standing* Oof!
Audience: *cheers* Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes proceed to run onstage and pull Harry off Jerry)
Ginny: *forgets she's injured and follows their every move with her eyes* Ooh-la-la!
Ron: So it's true, isn't it?! You've— *points a trembling finger at Harry* (we won't tell
you which one) —you've been—you've—behind my back!!
Harry: *puzzled* I've been behind your back?
Audience: Eww!
Ron: *screams with rage and throws himself on Harry*
(A furious fistfight ensues.)
Audience: *glad for some action* (and no, we don't mean that kind of action) Jer-RY!
Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
Harry: *is sitting on top of Ron, banging his head against the chair*
Ron: *tongue lolling out*
Hermione: *standing off to one side, horrified, with her hand over her mouth*
Ginny: *yelling* Jer-RY! Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes proceed to pull Harry off Ron. Harry has a bloody nose
and Ron has a bump on his head. Both have black eyes, which are also crossed)
Mrs. Weasley: *yelling into Jerry's microphone* Ronald, I have NEVER been so
ashamed of you in my life! Well, yes, perhaps more when you crashed your dad's car—
but really— what an example to set for your little sister—and on national TELLYvision,
too—is that how you say it, Albus? okay—Ron, I am SERIOUS—no, I don't care if he
stole your girlfriend—get off him! You wait, you just wait and see—yes, I've got it—no
flying for two months! Yes, Ron, no, you deserve it! No, not even on Percy's
broomstick—I don't care if he never uses it—you—
Jerry: *wrestling his microphone out of Mrs. Weasley's hands*
Harry: *finally succeeding to get his head out of Ron's grasp and is pulling at his hair*
Hermione—
Hermione: *sobbing into Ginny's shoulder* Yes, Harry? Harry?
(Muscley black-clad bald dudes rush onto the scene. Ginny takes one starry-eyed look
and drags them both offstage by the scruffs of their necks.)
Ron: *bites Harry* Bleeargh—Hermione—
Hermione: Ron? Harry?
Harry: *gets over his pain and kicks Ron in the crotch* Hermione, will you go out with
me?
Ron: *screams like a girl*
Hermione: What? What, Harry—oh Ron, DO shut up—
Jerry: *talking to Madame Rosmerta* So, you see, what was I supposed to do? I had no
place to go, and that bastard Riddle cheated me out of my—what, Mundungus? Full
house? Liar—I've only got an ace of diamonds, a four of clubs, and a—my God! It's
true! Mundungus, you bastard! Deal again, Severus, and make sure you've shuffled this goddamn deck properly. *takes swig of beer*
Harry: *tries again* Will you go—AAHHHHH!!!!!
Ron: *digs fingernails into Harry's scalp* Away! Away! Hermione, darling, he wants
you to go away—he doesn't really—OW—
Harry: HERMIONE! *grunts as he tosses Ron aside like a shot put* Will you go out with
me??
Hermione: Of course, Harry, my love! But why ever didn't you say anything sooner?
And what about poor Ron?
Ron: *thud*
Harry: Didn't you love him?
Hermione: Well…yes, but in my heart *sighs* I always knew you were the one for me.
Audience: Aawwww….
Harry: Very well put. *picks her up with difficulty and walks offstage*
(Camera cuts to a scene of Harry and Hermione getting on a broomstick and flying off
into the night)