Title: Bow to me! (2/2)
Author: Agent Zephyr
E-Mail address: zephyr2@internetcds.com
Rating: PG for mild language
Category: Story, Humor
Spoilers: Existence (duh), Millennium
Keywords: Existence, Chris Carter worship
Archive: You betcha, just let me know so I can brag
Disclaimers: Chris Carter is not mine. Neither are the various fan groups or the XF characters. If you sue, you will be getting approximately 98 cents and a bag of sunflower seeds.
Summary: After "Existence" airs, the Almighty Creator God (a.k.a. Chris Carter) gets responses from his worshippers. Yeah I know it sounds stupid, but the fic is better than the summary (I hope). Second part of the story.
Author's note: Thanks to all who reviewed, I love feedback. J You guys are awesome. To the person who asked if I knew CC personally: I wish I did. But if I did I would be too busy trying to get him to introduce me to David Duchovny to write crappy fanfic like this. Oh and I have nothing against noromos, I just thought that they would most likely be pissed off by the ep (not that I got any complaints, but I thought I'd say that). Thanks to shedreamsindigital for the spilled wine cooler idea.
*********************
Chris Carter yawned. All afternoon it had been the same. He sat in the throne room, looking regal and god-like, listening to the Philes who came to tell him what they thought of him. The finishippers were congratulatory. Several noromos had to be dragged off by security guards. The slash faction was slightly sulky, but they still had Doggett and Skinner, so they weren't very upset. All in all, it was a boring job. Oh joy, here comes another, he thought, as a woman came into the room. She looked rather upset, and he found himself wondering if he was in for another noromo lecture.
"Hello daughter," he said in his best god-like voice. "Why have you come here today?"
"I want reimbursement," she said.
"For what do you ask reimbursement, my phile daughter?"
"A wine cooler I spilled in surprise during the final scene. According to my lawyers," she snapped her fingers and several sneaky-looking men in suits appeared behind her, "since you were the indirect cause of the drink's spillage, you are required to pay for it."
The Creator God was shocked. "How much would I owe you if I admitted to guilt?" he asked.
"Approximately 4 dollars and 50 cents, U.S. currency," one of the lawyers said. "Or a wine cooler of equal value, quality, and flavor."
This is insane, the Creator thought. Then he had an idea.
"You're a fanfiction author, aren't you?" he asked her.
"Yes," she said.
"So therefore I can sue you for the use of my characters," he said. "I am quite sure that they are worth much more than a spilled wine cooler."
"You're forgetting disclaimers," she replied smugly.
"Fine," he said exasperatedly. "Samantha #158, take her over to accounting and see that everything is taken care of."
"Yes holiness," the hybrid replied, and led the woman and her pack of lawyers out of the chamber.
He sighed. Some of these Philes were too difficult to manage. He should have just threatened her with a Scully/Frohike marriage or something equally dreaded. That would have forced her into mindless submission again. He was interrupted from his reverie by another hybrid entering the chamber.
"Holiness, the Doubting Shippers have returned. Shall I show them in?" it asked.
The Creator God smiled. This was what he had been waiting for all afternoon. It should be amusing.
"Yes, let them in," he said. "I am merciful."
Slowly and meekly, a huge crowd inched into the room. At the sight of him, most dropped to their knees. All in all, they were a sorry bunch. One of them, who had obviously been elected spokesperson, came forward and began to speak.
"Holy Creator and God, we have come to express our apologies for ever doubting you. We were lost in a sea of confusion. Please forgive us," the unlucky spokesphile said quietly.
The Creator God descended from his throne. He walked down among the repentant shippers, looking sorrowful.
"How could you doubt me? Have I not always been a merciful God? Have I not kept your hope alive with UST, with the kiss?" he asked.
"It only took seven years," someone grumbled.
"Perhaps you are not really ready to return to me," the Creator God said, frowning.
"No!" they all cried at once. Several crawled over and kissed the hem of his robes.
The Creator God laughed on the inside. These X-Philes were too easy to manipulate. On the outside, however, he remained stern.
"We bring sacrifices of sunflower seeds…and iced tea…" the spokesphile said in a pleading tone.
"Are you ready to swear your allegiance to me?" the Creator God asked. "And will you never again doubt me?"
"Yes!" they cried. "Please, take us back!"
The Creator God smiled. "Go now," he said. "Spread the word of the X-Files throughout the world."
The philes murmured their thanks, and exited the temple. The Creator God smiled. Ah, how he loved his power!
~~~~~~
Loved it? Hated it? Think I should be sautéed and fed to rabid ferrets? Feedback!
Author: Agent Zephyr
E-Mail address: zephyr2@internetcds.com
Rating: PG for mild language
Category: Story, Humor
Spoilers: Existence (duh), Millennium
Keywords: Existence, Chris Carter worship
Archive: You betcha, just let me know so I can brag
Disclaimers: Chris Carter is not mine. Neither are the various fan groups or the XF characters. If you sue, you will be getting approximately 98 cents and a bag of sunflower seeds.
Summary: After "Existence" airs, the Almighty Creator God (a.k.a. Chris Carter) gets responses from his worshippers. Yeah I know it sounds stupid, but the fic is better than the summary (I hope). Second part of the story.
Author's note: Thanks to all who reviewed, I love feedback. J You guys are awesome. To the person who asked if I knew CC personally: I wish I did. But if I did I would be too busy trying to get him to introduce me to David Duchovny to write crappy fanfic like this. Oh and I have nothing against noromos, I just thought that they would most likely be pissed off by the ep (not that I got any complaints, but I thought I'd say that). Thanks to shedreamsindigital for the spilled wine cooler idea.
*********************
Chris Carter yawned. All afternoon it had been the same. He sat in the throne room, looking regal and god-like, listening to the Philes who came to tell him what they thought of him. The finishippers were congratulatory. Several noromos had to be dragged off by security guards. The slash faction was slightly sulky, but they still had Doggett and Skinner, so they weren't very upset. All in all, it was a boring job. Oh joy, here comes another, he thought, as a woman came into the room. She looked rather upset, and he found himself wondering if he was in for another noromo lecture.
"Hello daughter," he said in his best god-like voice. "Why have you come here today?"
"I want reimbursement," she said.
"For what do you ask reimbursement, my phile daughter?"
"A wine cooler I spilled in surprise during the final scene. According to my lawyers," she snapped her fingers and several sneaky-looking men in suits appeared behind her, "since you were the indirect cause of the drink's spillage, you are required to pay for it."
The Creator God was shocked. "How much would I owe you if I admitted to guilt?" he asked.
"Approximately 4 dollars and 50 cents, U.S. currency," one of the lawyers said. "Or a wine cooler of equal value, quality, and flavor."
This is insane, the Creator thought. Then he had an idea.
"You're a fanfiction author, aren't you?" he asked her.
"Yes," she said.
"So therefore I can sue you for the use of my characters," he said. "I am quite sure that they are worth much more than a spilled wine cooler."
"You're forgetting disclaimers," she replied smugly.
"Fine," he said exasperatedly. "Samantha #158, take her over to accounting and see that everything is taken care of."
"Yes holiness," the hybrid replied, and led the woman and her pack of lawyers out of the chamber.
He sighed. Some of these Philes were too difficult to manage. He should have just threatened her with a Scully/Frohike marriage or something equally dreaded. That would have forced her into mindless submission again. He was interrupted from his reverie by another hybrid entering the chamber.
"Holiness, the Doubting Shippers have returned. Shall I show them in?" it asked.
The Creator God smiled. This was what he had been waiting for all afternoon. It should be amusing.
"Yes, let them in," he said. "I am merciful."
Slowly and meekly, a huge crowd inched into the room. At the sight of him, most dropped to their knees. All in all, they were a sorry bunch. One of them, who had obviously been elected spokesperson, came forward and began to speak.
"Holy Creator and God, we have come to express our apologies for ever doubting you. We were lost in a sea of confusion. Please forgive us," the unlucky spokesphile said quietly.
The Creator God descended from his throne. He walked down among the repentant shippers, looking sorrowful.
"How could you doubt me? Have I not always been a merciful God? Have I not kept your hope alive with UST, with the kiss?" he asked.
"It only took seven years," someone grumbled.
"Perhaps you are not really ready to return to me," the Creator God said, frowning.
"No!" they all cried at once. Several crawled over and kissed the hem of his robes.
The Creator God laughed on the inside. These X-Philes were too easy to manipulate. On the outside, however, he remained stern.
"We bring sacrifices of sunflower seeds…and iced tea…" the spokesphile said in a pleading tone.
"Are you ready to swear your allegiance to me?" the Creator God asked. "And will you never again doubt me?"
"Yes!" they cried. "Please, take us back!"
The Creator God smiled. "Go now," he said. "Spread the word of the X-Files throughout the world."
The philes murmured their thanks, and exited the temple. The Creator God smiled. Ah, how he loved his power!
~~~~~~
Loved it? Hated it? Think I should be sautéed and fed to rabid ferrets? Feedback!