Crazy day, sorry! Mistakes are mine, the good parts are Hadley! Gonna try to update before Thursday if possible... going to the Chicago meetup to meet some rad ladies, so if I don't update before Thursday it'll be a Monday update :(

THANK you for reading. Tough times ahead but have faith...!

34
- feels like we only go backwards -

Edward POV

"You should go," I mumble to Bella.

It's the first thing I've said since the doctor left us in the waiting room ten minutes ago.

"Do you want me to go?" Bella asks flatly.

She's been sitting here silently crying while I've stayed stoic. It's killing me. I can't look at her. Don't want to see the devastation or disappointment on her face.

"It doesn't matter what I want," I reply morosely.

It doesn't matter what I want because Gianna is pregnant, and it's all happening again.

"Edward," Bella says firmly, and I look at her as she wipes her cheeks with her knuckles. "Do you want me to go?"

Of course, I don't fucking want her to go.

I selfishly want her to stay here with me. See me through this. Be here to support me and love me and… it's so fucked up. I want her to help me get through hearing that my wife almost fucking died. I want her help in figuring out what the fuck I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to help Gianna.

I'm a dick. A selfish, fucking asshole because if Bella does go, I want her to take me with her. I want the last hour to have never happened. I want to be back in that house where we were making plans for our future, to be together finally. I told her I wanted forever with her because I do. It's all I want. I want to go back to hours ago and suggest we leave. Right then, we could have. Started over. Me and her, Mikey and Seth. Just the four of us. In my mind, I can pretend that Gianna and Jared wouldn't care. They'd be happy for us. In my mind, I can have everything I want, and that's Bella.

Only Bella.

But my reality is so fucking different, and I'm a selfish, fucking asshole because when the doctor confirmed Gianna is pregnant, my first thought was no.

Fuck no.

I wished it wasn't true.

It couldn't be true.

How?

When?

Fucking why?

Why now when I'm about to be so fucking happy.

Then the guilt sunk in and weighed me down because Gianna could've died. She was carrying my baby, and even if my initial thoughts were negative, of course, I'd never want anything bad to happen to her or our unborn child that I didn't know existed until fifteen minutes ago.

Bella breathes my name.

Reaches for my hand.

I come back to her.

Focus.

And I lie because I want her away from this fucking mess.

"Yes, I want you to go," I tell her, holding her gaze.

Her eyes water with more tears.

Mine do, too.

How can I be crying over this loss… this fucking loss of everything Bella and I have, but I didn't even cry hearing Gianna was hit by a car?

Because it's over with Bella, right? It has to be, for now. Gianna needs time to heal, and I have to be there for her. What kind of man would I be if I followed through and left her during such a shitty and vulnerable time?

I can't do that.

I won't do that.

I drop my head in my hands.

I breathe.

It comes out ragged and shaky.

So, I stand and leave the waiting room to head outside around the corner, away from everyone.

Bella follows because of course she does. She knows what I need right now is to not be alone. She knows what I need is her.

"You don't want me to go, do you?" she asks, crossing her arms over her stomach like she's physically holding herself together.

"Of course, I don't fucking want you to go," I say in exasperation, and I instantly feel bad.

I'm pissed with this situation, not her.

I love her. So fucking much.

I'm guilty and fucking heartbroken, and it's coming out too harshly.

"I don't want you to go, but what else can you do?" I mumble, softer now.

Her face falls, and I pull her against me to finally comfort her, holding her while she cries. My eyes water and my throat tightens to dampen my emotion.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I choke out.

I'm sorry for everything.

For not leaving Gianna sooner.

For wasting years loving Bella from afar.

"Did you know?" she quietly asks, sniffling and staring up at me. "Did you know she was pregnant?"

I wipe her eyes, and then mine. "No."

"What if…" Bella starts to ask.

"What?"

"What if the baby isn't yours? I mean, it's not out of the question to wonder. Look at what we're doing. Maybe she is, too?"

Bella's right. There's a chance Gianna could be having an affair, too. I hang onto that hope, and it's fucked to desperately want my wife to be cheating, but I do.

My gut tells me it's mine, though. I don't know why. I don't want it to be true, but it feels like something that would happen because I was this close to leaving.

"I can eventually get a paternity test, but at this point I have to assume it's mine, right?"

I can tell it's not what Bella wants to hear because her face falls even further. Shit, it's not what I want to say but it's all I can offer right now.

I wonder how far along Gianna is.

I wonder if she knew.

I wonder if she's going to want to keep it.

I'm disgusted with myself for even entertaining the hopeful idea that she might want an abortion. And then I'm worrying that if she does—would I try to stop her? I might. Convince her to have the baby―please, please, have the baby.

Don't have the baby.

My head isn't in a good place.

Bella senses that because she hugs me tighter and gives me what I need.

Comfort.

Love.

Unwavering support.

"You should go," I whisper in her hair. She shakes her head and cries more. "There's nothing for you to do here, Bella. Just go home. I'll arrange for my dad to get Seth."

Fuck.

My Dad.

Gianna's parents.

I haven't even called anyone.

I've been so focused on how Gianna's accident has affected me and fucked up my plans with Bella. I haven't even thought about how everyone else is going to take this devastating news. I haven't even thought once about how these injuries are going to affect Gianna's life.

I'm a shitty husband and this feels like karma. But it can't be because Bella is good, and she doesn't deserve this.

"When was the last time you slept with her?" Bella pulls back and asks straightforwardly.

I really have to think about it.

I don't remember the last time Gianna and I slept together because, for a long time, those moments didn't mean anything to me. But I know for a fucking fact it was before Bella and I were together in Napa. After that intoxicating night, I refused to touch Gianna because my fucking heart and head just couldn't take it.

"It was before you," I tell her honestly. "Before Napa. Our anniversary, I think."

Yeah.

Our fucking anniversary.

March twenty-second.

It's like I can see her mind working, see the calculations and dates in her head. I'm too rattled to figure out exactly how far along Gianna could be, though. It's now the second week in May. The baby may be mine.

"Please don't be mad," I whisper to Bella, though I know I have zero fucking right to ask that of her.

She needs to be mad.

I'm mad.

I deserve her anger.

"I'm not mad, I'm…" She hesitates and lets out a long, shaky breath. "I mean, okay. Of course, I'm fucking mad," she blurts. "I'm mad and sad and angry, and it's not all geared toward you. I'm grateful Gianna is alive. I promise you I am. I couldn't take it if anything happened to her, and my heart would be broken for Seth. But this? This isn't just a matter of her needing your support and needing to be healed from the accident. She's having your baby. She's…" Overwhelmed, Bella turns to walk away and then comes right back. "This is over, isn't it? You and me. Us."

I swallow thickly. I don't want to answer that. I want her to tell me what to do and to tell me to stick with the plan. To leave Gianna and she'll leave Jared. But I know Bella wouldn't tell me any of that because she's a good person, and deep down we both know what I need to do for now.

"I don't want it to be," I answer truthfully. "But I don't see how… I mean, even if I still leave her, then what? You and I are together, but I have a newborn with her? You and I raise that baby together?"

I can see the moment in Bella's eyes when this reality registers for her. Her gaze is distant, stoic, eyes puffy and red. Mouth turned down. It's like my words just took away any hope that we can eventually be together. She drops her head in her hands, then.

My heart fucking aches and I feel sick.

I reach out and run my hands up and down her arms. "Bella…"

She looks up at me, and I wish she'd cover her face again because she looks so fucking sad and heartbroken. "Like, of course, I don't want you to waltz into the hospital room and tell Gianna it's over. I don't want that. That would be selfish and shitty of you. But then I'm also feeling selfish and shitty because… what about one day?" She's crying again, harder than before. "That can't happen now because one day, months from now, you're going to have a baby. A newborn. And this can't happen, so yeah, I guess I answered my own question. It's over."

I scrub a hand over my mouth and turn away from her.

"Clearly, some fucked-up fate doesn't want us together," I mutter, feeling so fucking low.

"Maybe we were stupid to think this could work. Reckless. I don't know," she mumbles.

I don't want her to think we were stupid and reckless. We weren't. We aren't. I want her to believe we're in fucking love, and we'll get through this, and one day will happen. Despite the baby. Despite how long it will take for Gianna to heal.

But she doesn't because she can't.

She can't promise me that, and I can't make her wait for me. I can't ask that of her.

But I'm so fucking in love with her, the thought of her leaving and this being over is too much.

If she doesn't go now though, I'll do something stupid like asking her to wait this out.

Please, please, please.

Let me get through this and deal with it and just be there in the end.

She deserves so much more than that though.

Gianna does, too.

"I need to call Gianna's parents," I eventually tell Bella. "My Dad. Everyone."

"Fine. Yeah. You should." She nods, looking down at the pavement.

I move closer, desperate for a hug. For anything.

Grabbing the back of her neck, I pull her against me. She wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face in my T-shirt. I close my eyes and let myself be selfish for a moment.

"I'm so in love with you, Bella. You know that, right?" I whisper, grief radiating off of me.

She shakes while she sobs, and my grip tightens around her.

I can feel her nod. Or maybe she's shaking her head. Maybe she never knew I loved her, and I'm selfish for wanting her to know now. But I just need her to know.

"I love you, too," she cries.

I want her to say it again because hearing it once and only once won't be enough.

"You do?" I murmur.

"I do." Her voice cracks. My heart breaks. "I'm in love with you, too."

Hearing she loves me sends a rush of relief I don't think I deserve. But it feels good to hear. To have that confirmation that this is real.

For a few weeks, we were real and fell further in love.

Best three weeks of my fucking life.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, over and over again, some tears falling down my cheeks and onto the top of her head. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I don't know how long we stand here, holding each other and wishing things were so different.

But they're not, and I have to see Gianna through this.

Bella and I reluctantly pull apart.

I press a chaste kiss to her lips. Hers stay still. I don't know if she's staying unresponsive because it's easier for her. But it makes it harder for me. I need one more kiss, one last hug. Something to get me through. But maybe it's unrealistic of me to expect her to be able to give me exactly what I need right now. I won't take more from her than she's willing to give me, won't push her along. I already did that once, and look at where it fucking got us.

I cup her face and kiss her three more times.

"I love you," I tell her again, and she finally kisses me back, clutching my shirt, keeping me close.

I don't know if she lets go first, or I do, but soon we aren't touching, and she starts to walk away.

Despite every instinct, I let her go.

It's the least selfish thing I've done today.