June 26, 2000
Oh tell me dear friend,
Tell me, please what shall I do? I have promised this child I would not...but I find it so hard not to think of him. He is there each time I look up, I close my eyes and he is there again. Oh friend if I could I would leave, but I am afraid yes afraid. If I left and she fell ill what would I do? Yet, Anthony...oh that sweet child if you could see her. There she lies beneath my covers, dreaming peacefully at the thought I want nothing more with her father than friendship. Oh blasphemous lie...oh his scent is here within me just as the kiss that he gave me last night is. Oh if she knew the truth....but no she mustn't I couldn't do that to her. Then I could, or else I would not have permitted him to do so. Oh to think what could have occurred here in this very room last night, this room where she allowed me to hold her tonight and kiss her. Oh he kissed me and I allowed him too... I would have given him all he wanted if it had not been for Betina. Yes, all he wanted I know it is wrong...oh how I wish I were not alone. Oh if Winston were only here with me I wouldn't be like this...dear love of mine why did you leave me? Why? You promised never to leave me...why? Oh if you were here I could do this, but no your gone and he is here. Yes I know it was your destiny. But does this mean Anthony is now mine? Or...oh no, no.Dear friend if there were only a way to know. I do I really do dear friend wish there was a way to know if Anthony truly cares for me, and if what I feel for him is more than passion. Oh how it burns...*sighs* I fear to say I need him, as I look at her so tender as she dreams...she puts my yearning to shame. I do not wish to hurt her...no I cannot stand to be here any more...I feel.... Forgive me I can't any more tonight I must leave this room before I suffocate. Yes suffocate, watching her there and having these thoughts oh no...no, *shakes head* I just Cant! No I can't!
Barbara C. Rayne...