August 1, 2000
Hello Old Friend,
Oh how dear it is to have if only you to confide in. So dear that I do not know how to begin, previously I wrote that I would accompany Mr. De la Vega to Mexico City to meet my grandchild and that I did. I speak in this manner after having spent time with her and being convinced there could be no other truth; Jacqueline De La Vega is truly a Rayne. My sons' only Legacy, Jacqi, and a more wonderfully perfect child there can not be. She is the perfect reflection of her father, kind hearted with an iron-will. However, like her father she is also reclusive in her thoughts, oh if there were only a way to make her more open to me. I thought I had, and then it happened she retreated...her seeing me in her father's arms was as upsetting as I had predicted.
When I arrived in Mexico City with Anna and Anthony, Jacqi had shown herself uneasy with our presence. More importantly, mine as she promptly let me know of her father's previous whims. Yes, as I look back on my other entry I see I did mention something about him, oh but if you could know him friend of mine. You would see what I did. Alas I digress to my previous thoughts. She knew, and I naively thought I could fool her into thinking I felt nothing for her father, what a lie. Dear God what a lie! Yes, I do feel something for him...but it is wrong, wrong, wrong! So wrong, so wrong to believe I could love a man who means so much to her freely. I told her no, and yet I fell into his web. I let my emotions take control and deceived her...she trusted, believed in me and I expelled it for a few moments of passion. I fear that I have lost her reliance in me...I had been unsure before but as time passes, she has grown stronger. Therefore, what I thought before was weakness from a debilitating illness is pure loathsome for me. She has taken the sweet childlike feelings she once ventured forth and transformed them into witty sardonic calumnies. I had hoped I would be spared such criticisms but my child has been well taught by Betina. Taking every chance given to turn Jacqi further against me aiding in her wicked little tricks. Anna has warned me to leave here and return to San Francisco. Yet, how can I leave my happiness behind? I know it is naive to think Jacqi could grow to love me in the little time I have spent with her but I refuse to believe she could not.
Oh dear friend, my life is once more becoming a never-ending windstorm of flustered perplexity. Once more I must close, and march forth into my battle of will and wits.
Barbara C. Rayne