August 29, 2000
Dear friend,
Forgive me for another sleepless night. Oh but how can I sleep when she can not? Anna is there now again taking my place by her side. I know it is my duty to calm my child's fears but I am foolish I know but I am. She has rejected me each time I have come close before, why would it be any different now. No you are right dear friend; perhaps I am not afraid of her rejection. Perhaps I fear she will ask to return home, return to her father, and return to the Legacy. That her sleepless nights will turn into sweet dreams once she is out of my grasp and that my nights will seem endless with her. I know that is what she will say to me. Have I really turned into such a milksop? Or does it only seem that way? Or was I always like this? You that have known me so long, tell me. Why must you always be silent? I have confided in you for so long and I have never heard you speak, but yes I know what you say to me. Be strong, I suppose it is what I must do if I do not wish to lose my child. Still strength will not help me if I cannot bring myself to enter her room when she cries. And I have no choice but to send Anna in my place, to hear her soothing my granddaughter with sweet words. The way she soothed my daughter, my son, and yes even my husband. Oh how I envy her, her ability to hold someone so dear and allow him or her to feel safe. How I loathe and despise her at times, yes dear one loathe her. I know we have discussed this before, and I know I should not blame Anna for doing as I ask of her, still I cannot help but feel some part of her truly enjoys doing so. Taking my place must bring her some joy; after all, she never did have a family of her own. No it is wrong to think this I know. Anna would never, oh Barbara why must you do this to yourself. Oh, why...
Barbara C. Rayne