Part 3: Ticking ('Fear of Commitment')
***
'All you touch and all you see,
Is all your life will ever be.'
- - Pink Floyd, "Breathe"
***
There were times she swore that she could hear the clocks ticking all around her. Tick-tok-tick-tok. On and on and on. Like that Energizer bunny.
She wondered what this ticking was supposed to mean. The first obvious thought that came to her mind was the so-called biological clock ticking in her. She could vividly hear her married friends and relatives talking about their children in their irritatingly merry ways, asking her whether she was going to get herself a husband, or if she was dating anyone. Right, get a husband. She, then, would politely smile at them, and tell them no, she wasn't dating anyone, because her body wasn't up for it just yet after giving birth to her baby without a father.
Well, okay, she never actually said *that* to anyone. She wanted to, though. Changing the topic to their beautiful children and how they were doing in various elite institutions could work only so many times.
Maybe it really was the biological clock ticking, she thought ruefully. Certainly the constant reminders were everywhere. She wasn't exactly old, but she was no longer at the age when dating meant shagging another guy met in the bar. It really didn't help that her mom had to call every week to invite her to family dinners and social occasions, subtly reminding her of her age. She was sure that her mother had matchmaking plans on her mind, probably with accountants, lawyers, or God forbid, another doctors! Of course, who could resist talking to the men who thought discussing vermiform appendix all night constituted as a good date?
Like she'd told John, maybe she should hit the bar tonight, meet a gorgeous guy, and have hot sex. Then this ticking might go away. And she would *not* think about how her last stand ended up, because as long as her son was out there somewhere, growing up happily and supported by excellent parents, she could never regret having him.
God, she needed a date.
She closed her locker, straightened her jacket, and walked out of the changing room. She promised herself that rather than hitting the bar which would lead to nowhere, she'd see Ella one more time before going home. At this rate, she was going to beat Doctor Greene on frequency of visiting his newborn daughter. Ella was so lovely, and she couldn't help herself.
As soon as she stepped out, Dave came to her side. "Jing-Mei, hey." He stood a little awkwardly, his manner a little different from the usual devil-may-care, I-am-flirting-with-you-and-don't-give-a-damn-whether-you-want-it-or-not attitude.
Her conscience jabbed her heart. "Hey," she started reluctantly, "I'm sorry for...bitching at you today. I didn't know--" that you weren't BS'ing me for the first time in your life? "--that patient would really do that...to you. Are your eyes okay?" She carefully studied his eyes that had been pepper-sprayed this afternoon.
He made a dismissive wave with his hand. "Ah, just fine. That woman was a fruitcake, I tell you, but my eyes are still perfectly 20/20."
Maybe she was too mean to him. Dave *was* a nice man underneath all that crude...attitude he seemed to mistakenly believe as a rugged charm. "Well, that's good."
He smirked. "So you're saying it really was PMS?"
Right. Her good opinion of Dave Malucci never lasted mere seconds. She shot him a glacial glare, "Goodbye, Malucci."
However, before she had a chance to put some safe distance between them, he caught up with her. "Chen, hey, listen. Whatcha doing this Friday?"
Here we go again, she inwardly groaned. "Dave--"
"Just hear me out. You want to go catch a movie on Friday? How does, hmm," he cleared his throat, "'Bridget Jones's Diary' sound?"
She stopped on her tracks. "What?"
"C'mon, Chen. I know you want to. I saw the books in your cabinet. You've read all the books by Helen Fielding *and* 'Pride and Prejudice'. Of course you want to see the movie, although...you haven't seen it already, have you?"
She had longed to see it, but she hadn't been willing to watch it alone. And now Dave was asking her to watch it with him. Had he been actually paying attention to what she'd been reading? She couldn't help feeling touched. "You really want to watch a romance movie about a thirtysomething woman and gorgeous Brit guys?"
"Hey, anything for you, milady." He bowed dramatically. "Plus, Renee Zellweger's in it."
"With 20 extra pounds."
"With, or without, she's still hot. You can have the Hugh guy, or..Colin, what's-his-name."
"Firth. Colin Firth," she answered without thinking. She would never admit it, but she knew the story by heart.
"See? I knew you were interested." The grin on his face was getting broader. "So? What would you say?"
She chewed her lower lip, and considered the proposition. Malucci flirted disastrously and had no sense whatsoever to speak of, but she knew he was a nice man. Why was she hesitating then? Okay, so he wasn't her type, but he was obviously trying hard to show her a good time. And hadn't she thought just a few minutes ago that she needed a date? It was just a movie. Why not?
The bottom line. She was sick of being alone.
"Okay," she said, wondering if she was making a huge mistake.
"...Okay?" Dave looked rather surprised. "You mean it, right?"
He looked so eager and pleased, she thought it'd be a crime to let him down now. "Yes. Think we can discuss the time and place tomorrow?"
If he smiled any broader, he was going to need a plastic surgery. "Sure, tomorrow is good. Very good."
She watched as Dave left with an extremely joyous look. She *really* hoped she was doing the right thing.
When she reached the infant nursing room through now-familiar corridors, she saw Doctor Corday with Ella in the room. She stood in front of the viewing screen, looking in. Elizabeth looked content beyond description. The effect of the hours of pain from the labor, which seemed to last weeks for some women, couldn't even dent the happiness shone through her eyes.
For a moment, Jing-Mei wondered how Ella would look when she grew up. Maybe she would inherit the blond curls of Elizabeth, Mark's eyes and nose. Maybe it could be the other way around? But Ella wouldn't go bald, of course. She shook her head to shake off *that* particular image out of her brain. Anyway, one way or the other, Ella would become a beautiful lady inside and out. She already had the look, and had wonderful parents to look after her. Of course, Doctor Greene's health might not be excellent just yet, but she still wanted to believe that love could concur it all. For the supposedly detached and ambitious medical doctor, she was way too romantic.
In this line of thinking, it was inevitable to wonder whether she would ever have another chance to become a mother. If she ever met someone who she wanted to be with for her whole life, and if she was sitting on the other side with her baby like Elizabeth right now, could she be happy, really, without thinking of the one that wasn't with her? Would she be able to tell her husband that she once abandoned her son? Would she be able to tell that to her other children?
She'd thought of this before signing the adoption papers. She'd thought about it so many times.
And from the looks of it, there wasn't going to be an answer any time soon.
Oh get a grip, Jing-Mei, she berated herself. She was done with staring. She'd first intended to say hello to Doctor Corday, but she decided it'd be better if she just sneaked out before the doctor noticed her. It'd only be an awkward moment for both of them. She kept her head down and walked downstairs, heading straight to the parking lot.
When she got there, however, she encountered someone else. Doctor Kovac was standing by himself, his long coat and the dark expression on his face almost making him look like a character out of a noir film. Automatically, she put on a courteous smile. "Doctor Kovac, I thought someone else was covering for you today."
"Hmm?" He looked up, as if he hadn't noticed her coming. "Oh, well, I'm just waiting for Abby."
"Oh." That was odd, Jing-Mei thought. She knew Abby wasn't at County either. Something about her mother...
Noticing the puzzled look on her face, Doctor Kovac explained rather reluctantly, "She's visiting her mother right now, bringing her...baggage. I thought I should give them some space."
"What's wrong with Maggie?" a voice asked behind her. Oh great, she thought. She didn't have to turn to know who it was.
Noticing the sudden stiff look on Doctor Kovac's face at the unexpected appearance of her friend, she quickly spoke first, "John, hey. Thought you went home." This seemed to be her favorite line lately.
John stood behind her, obviously displeased. "No, Deb. I'm heading off now." He *looked* like he was talking to her, but his eyes were almost penetrating the man in front of him. Doctor Kovac was staring back at him in exactly the same manner.
She felt like she was being fried by their blazing glares. Funny that she had never noticed this outright antagonism between them before. Sure, they hadn't been the best buddies, but only after John had told her about his feelings, it'd became glaringly obvious that he and Doctor Kovac were reduced to the stage of Neanderthals around each other, presumably over Abby. It was pretty surprising that everyone else hadn't noticed it yet.
"What's wrong with Maggie?" John repeated, growing impatient.
Doctor Kovac explained without great enthusiasm, "She's being released from hospital. She got the court approval."
"And you let this happen?" John challenged, his voice edgy and accusatory.
This was going to be bad, she winced. She decided that she wasn't prepared to witness this particular confrontation. "Hmph," she coughed, letting her presence known before they started pulling out their swords. "I think I should head home now. Goodnight, doctors."
Her words had an instant affect on them as if she had poured a bucket of ice water over their heads. They broke their gazes with a start, and turned to her with sheepish expressions.
"Uh, goodnight," Doctor Kovac said, awkward.
"Yeah," John also fumbled, "See you tomorrow."
She restrained the urge to shake her head, and momentarily entertained a silly thought that they might actually get into a fist-fight after she left. She'd taken less than five steps toward her car, however, when the object of their affection appeared from the exit. She couldn't help but grimace this time. What was this? A late-night gathering in the parking lot leading to a life or death fight between two guys and a damsel in distress?
"Abby," Doctor Kovac called out. John merely looked.
Abby approached the group, looking slightly distracted. Who wouldn't be, Jing-Mei wondered sarcastically, if she were to be jammed between two stunningly gorgeous men?
She stopped herself--she was being petty. Abby was having a very hard time with her mother, and having two egotistic men swooning over her couldn't possibly be the priority in her mind. It certainly wasn't Abby's fault that the guys were being jerks.
Abby only seemed to notice the people around her when Doctor Kovac reached out to grab her hand. "Hey," she said, but her voice had no strength. Now in close proximity, Jing-Mei could see that Abby was exhausted, and her eyes were moistened. She felt even more guilty about thinking badly of Abby a minute ago.
Abby didn't seem to be the mood in for any pleasantries, which signaled the end of the confrontation. John and Doctor Kovac shut up quickly.
"Let's go home," Abby whispered. Doctor Kovac nodded and led her away.
Jing-Mei watched John's eyes lingered on the leaving couple. This time, she did shake her head. She now had the up-close and personal experience with the 'triangle', and she couldn't say she wanted to know more about it.
She should be saying something to him, she thought as John continued to stare. But what?
She wasn't sure how long she could pretend to be a happy merry friend in front of John. Playing the supportive friend had its limit, and she was getting tired. There were always playful and chatty around each other, but something was wrong. She knew that underneath the smiles and friendliness, they were both trying to ignore something. Something that she couldn't define.
"Goodnight, John," she said, for what seemed like the tenth time tonight.
Thoughts clearly elsewhere, he mumbled to her, "Goodnight." Without saying anything more, he left the parking lot and walked away.
She sighed and tried to conceal the disappointment at his indifference. Her mind subconsciously went over what happened, and it suddenly struck her that something about his eyes hadn't been right. He also looked a little too worn out than usual, as if, as if... She stopped the thought from forming in her head. No, he wouldn't do that. He was clean, and he vowed never to do it again. It was probably just stress from the whole Abby situation. He'd looked just fine and cheerful all day. Of course it was just stress.
Or, maybe, she was being way too sensitive. She was like that when it came to John.
...Why?
One word, one deceptively simple question, presented itself with unthinkable possibilities that could shake the control over her own life.
A voice inside her snapped angrily in defense. What do you mean why? Because you care for him as a friend. What else?
Another voice calmly advised. Denial is fine, really, if you don't hurt others with it. But dragging someone else into your problem is unacceptable.
She knew what she had to do. She turned her heels, and walked back to the ER again.
It took a while to locate the person she was looking for, but she finally spotted him coming out from Trauma 2.
"Dave." She tried to smile for him, but couldn't.
"Hey," his face immediately broke into a huge grin, "Thought you left a long time ago."
The fact that he was obviously very glad to see her made it harder for her to tell him what she had to say. But she wasn't going to play with another person's emotions. She should have at least that much of decency and respect for him. "Dave, it's about Friday night. I...think I have to cancel it. I'm...really sorry."
She saw the look of disappointment passing through his face. But he recovered quickly with a light voice, as if he didn't want to show his hurt feelings, "What? You washing your hair again?"
She wanted to say yes. She wanted to say yes and make everything a passing joke, but...but she owed him honesty. "I don't think I'm up for it."
"What do you mean you're not up for it? One should always be up for a Friday night movie!"
She almost smiled at his attempt at humor. "I don't think I can. It's not fair to you."
"It's just a movie, Chen," Dave said quietly, as if he understood, "It's that simple."
It was never that simple. This wasn't a movie, or even a book. Mr. Darcy of 'Pride and Prejudice' wasn't going to appear and scoop her away from her problems. This was her life. She'd been always a practical one, always able to tell the useful facts, always trying to land on her feet crisis after crisis. Whatever the reason was, she was losing her control. She desperately needed it back. Falling for her friend who was in love with someone else wasn't the best idea of having control over her life.
"I'm sorry," she told him truthfully.
He stared at her for a long moment, thinking. "Hey, is this why?" he suddenly tugged at his white doctor coat he extremely disliked, "Be honest with me, cuz I can take it like a man. Do I look that fat in this?"
She stared at him for a few seconds before she broke into laughter. Dave really was a good man. It was too bad he was wasting his time with her. "Nah," she shook her head, "You look very nice in it. Cute, actually, in a ragged sort of way."
He wrinkled his nose. "Cute? Not sexy?"
She almost laughed again. "Don't push it."
"Right. Oh well, at least now I know." He turned around, shrugging nonchalantly. She knew that he'd treat her exactly same, as if nothing had happened.
"Thank you," she whispered quietly before he walked away. She meant it.
He met her eyes, and nodded. "You're welcome."
Another night alone. By herself. But it wasn't so bad, she told herself. This was what she wanted.
Work. She at least had her work.
She got home, microwaved a late dinner, and sat in front of her desk. She came back to medicine so she could establish something for herself. Right now her goal was becoming the chief resident next year, and that meant more work and more study. She chewed the hard linguine and sipped cool coffee. For a while, she tried to read various medical journals and memorize them.
After thrity minutes of unsuccessful attempts to concentrate, she closed the files with a sigh. She came out to her living room, and put on the first volume of six 'Pride and Prejudice' tapes.
She could afford to be romantic here, by herself, watching a TV-remake of Jane Austen novel. At least like this, she would never lose control.
She turned up the volume, so she wouldn't have to hear the ticking in her head.
Another night alone.
The clock still ticked.
05/07/01