Dear Tinga
Disclaimer: Tinga, Max,
Zack and the rest of the X-5's mentioned belong to James Cameron, and Fox. I
own nothing, although I wished I did.
Summary: Max writes a
letter to Tinga soon after her death at the hands of Madame X. (Spoilage: Post-Meow,
Pre-AJBAC.)This is the first of a series, called Regrets to Siblings, in which
Max writes letters to her siblings, telling them her regrets, and asking for
forgiveness. Rated R.
Dear Tinga:
I'm sorry that we couldn't
get you out in time. I can't believe that you actually left us. First Jack,
then Eva, then Ben, now you. And Brin too. I had to kill Ben, Tinga, do you
know how that feels???? I had to kill my own brother with my bare hands. Zack
still hates me for it. I can feel his eyes burning into me every time, he looks
at me. Our big brother doesn't trust me anymore, I mean; I know that sending
Ben to the high place was better than leaving him to Lydecker. But, it doesn't
make Zack hate me any less; it doesn't make ME hate me any less. I killed my
brother, my older brother!!! I guess, you think now that I don't have any
respect for my elders, but I do, very much so. It's my fault that you got
captured, you realize that don't you?? I could've tried to talk you out of it
or at least have been quicker in the rescue attempt. But, I dawdled, I dawdled,
and that cost you your life. Go, ahead, big sister, tell me I'm an idiot, tell
me I'm stupid for wanting to stay in Seattle, to have a normal life. There's nothing keeping me
here after all, just my Jam Pony crew, and my home girl O.C. In case you were
thinking one of the reasons that kept me here, was Logan, you were wrong. Whatever it was that we had,
however, short, or long, or whatever, is over.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I mean, how, could I ever
keep a relationship with someone like that?? I mean, I'm not trashing talking
about him; it's just that he isn't like us. He doesn't know what it was like
for us inside, Manticore!! He didn't know what it was like to train, train so
hard, because if you didn't you'd get killed. He wasn't there with us, when we
saw our own brothers and sisters, tortured or killed, because they were seen as
"weak". He didn't wake up every morning to one of Lydecker's sermons of
"Emotion makes you weak. You are soldiers. Emotion means nothing, pain means
nothing." God, those days still give me nightmares. He doesn't understand
things, from our prospective. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to all the help
he's given us, but, I'm come to realize that there's only one reason why he
started helping me in the first place. He needed a bodyguard, someone who was
fast enough to run his little do-gooder errands for him. Sad, really. I don't
like being around him, because being around him, only reminds me of what I am,
something I'd rather keep in the past. I hate what I am, Tinga. I hate it!!!
There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't wish, that I could just drop
everything, and live a normal life. Oh, I tried that, I tried it several times.
And, you know what?? It doesn't work. Every time, I become selfish, and greedy,
trying to live a normal life, it brings one of you guys, my family, down. I
tried getting a job, making some friends, then it blows up in my face. Big
brother blows into town, telling me he's in shit and he needs help. I went to
help, but, it never works, because the closer I get with Zack, or you, or Brin,
or Syl, or anybody, the closer Lydecker is to striking.
It's just another one of
those things I regret. But, I think my biggest regret is letting you down.
That, and letting Ben down too. You guys needed me, you needed me, and I wasn't
there for you. I wasn't there for you; I was still living in denial. Sometimes,
I think that I still am. I'm a selfish bitch, that's what I am. I couldn't even
convince myself, that what I was doing was living a lie. Ben was in pain, you
were in pain, I could've helped you and I didn't. Instead, I lectured Ben on
what was right and wrong, and I couldn't even get out fast enough to save you.
It disgusts me to look in the mirror, and see what I've become. I honestly
don't know how you can forgive me, when I can't even forgive myself.
Forgiveness Is Rare,
Max
