Part 5: Jinx (Rampage)
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'Illusion is the dust the devil throws in the eyes of the foolish.'
--Minna Antrim
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Jing-Mei never thought herself to be superstitious. Actually, she tried her best to be seen as a practical, no-nonsense person, largely because she was from the culture that was generally *thought* to be superstitious by other people, and she hated being stereotyped. However, there *was* one jinx in her life that she didn't seem to able to break; when one thing in life was going right, everything else went wrong. Once Dave summed it up pretty nicely--the universe's playing a joke on you, and hey, it has a wicked sense of humor.
Today was no exception to the rule.
Weaver was going to give her a chance for the Chief Resident seat, and that was the only good news. The application process was not going well, to put it mildly. The files she needed went missing, the copies she'd made disappeared into the complicated filing system of the hospital that no one seemed to be able to figure out, the people who were supposed to provide her with references were suddenly very busy, and, to add an insult to the injury, she couldn't bring herself to concentrate on her work. She had no illusions about it anyway. It was only the beginning, and she knew she'd have to keep fighting for the job. She even began to wonder if this title--the two nice big words, Chief Resident--was worth the trouble, especially after one long day filled with serious GSW victims tiding into the ER and even more frightening scare on the safety of Doctor Greene's family.
And this not-so-great day began to sink even lower when she saw Doctor Greene at the corridor when her shift almost ended.
"Doctor Greene?" She went over to him, a little worried. He looked way too pale, completely zoned-out. "Doctor Greene? Are you all right?" It was a stupid question, because he was definitely not all right, but she had to say *something*.
Doctor Greene blinked, as if he wasn't sure what was said. "Sorry?"
She offered him a small, sympathetic grin. "Maybe you should head home now, Doctor Greene. You look like you could use some sleep." If needed, she was ready to finish his shift for him. She knew he should be with his family now.
"Yes, I should," he answered numbly, but he didn't move at all. He seemed to be frozezn in the moment, his face still ghastly pale. When she turned around to go about her business, not sure what else to do, Doctor Greene spoke up suddenly and bluntly, "Fossen's dead."
Fossen? Her brain finally provided the answer--the gunman. "Oh." She wished she could think that his death, the loss of a life, was a terrible thing, but she couldn't. Was it so morally wrong to think it was a good thing that there was one less man going around shooting at people? Her profession was to heal people no matter who they were, but she was human, after all. "I'm glad Ella and Doctor Corday are fine," she managed to say. She didn't trust herself to say anything more.
"Me too," Doctor Greene whispered to himself, "Me too."
Something was wrong, she could sense it, but what? And more imfortantly, was there anything she could do? "Would you like me to tell Doctor Weaver you're leaving?" she hesitantly asked.
Doctor Greene nodded, and after a long moment of slience, left. Jing-Mei felt her heart sink. Why did such horrible things happen to good people? The question had no answer, she knew, but it was always there somewhere in her mind, surfacing from time to time, bringing depression along with it.
She headed toward trauma, and saw the person she was looking for. "Doctor Weaver," she called out, "Doctor Greene went..." Doctor Weaver didn't even seem to hear her as she briskly passed by. Jing-Mei had to touch her arm to get her attention. "Doctor Weaver, are you all right? You seem...pale." Everyone seemed to be today, she thought.
Doctor Weaver jumped, startled. "Sorry, I was... Jing-Mei, what were you saying?"
Jing-Mei repressed the urge to sigh. Great, today was the repeating-yourself-to-death day. "Doctor Greene left a bit early. I think I can cover for him for the rest of the day. Oh, and I left the peer review sheet in your office."
Doctor Weaver nodded, albeit absently. Her weary look reminded Jing-Mei of the conversation they had shared at the softball game, which meant the reason for her mood was only one thing: the relationship trouble.
Jing-Mei had to grin at the memory. Mothers were all the same, even with the age and race differences. As soon as she and Doctor Weaver had settled into the audience bench to observe the game, the first thing Maggie asked them was the status of their 'love life'. Jing-Mei, with much practice on the subject matter, was able to smooth over the question, but Kerry, bless her, wasn't as lucky. Kerry's rather reluctant answer was 'It's not going where I hoped it would be', and that elicited sympathetic expressions from the other women. Abby somehow retrained her mother from asking more love-life related questions, so rest of the chat had been simply about the current fashion--which proved to be a boring topic--and funny incidents from their pasts, mostly about their medical school years, in which Jing-Mei made sure to include some of John's embarrassing moments (strictly because Maggie wanted to know, honest!).
Something *was* wrong with everyone today, Jing-Mei concluded as she watched Doctor Weaver leave with a completely desolated expression she'd rarely seen from the meticulous senior doctor. Jing-Mei wasn't superstitious, really, but today she felt like there was a bad karma in the air.
"Jinx," she whispered to herself. After a long day, even she didn't feel particularly alive and kicking. She shouldn't have volunteered to cover for Doctor Greene when she had such a tight schedule to catch up, but the look on Doctor Greene's face... she was doing the right thing.
She entered the washroom, hoping to wake herself up with some cold water, and found another doctor shakily leaning against the door.
"Cleo?" She and Cleo weren't exactly friends, more like passing acquaintances, but the pediatrician looked positively sick--even more so than Doctor Greene and Weaver, actually--and it instantly worried her. "Is everything okay?" When Cleo didn't answer, she carefully ventured a guess, "Tough case?"
Cleo, who had looked aloof all long, almost laughed. "Just the usual," there was a lopsided grin on her face, "I just came in contact with HIV-positive blood."
Right. This just topped every other incident that happened today. What was it about jinx? Jing-Mei started out slowly, trying to conceal the horror she felt, "Did the result--"
"Not yet. I'm waiting."
"Right." Instead of giving her meaningless condolences and walk away as if nothing happened, Jing-Mei chose to stay with Cleo for a bit. There was no reason to discuss the chance statistics with Cleo, who knew about the disease as much as other doctors. Then what should she say to her? "So, um, how's Reese doing?" That really wasn't the best question to ask, and Jing-Mei regretted it as soon as it came out.
Surprisingly, though, Cleo seemed to welcome this change of topic, almost relieved. "Better, actually. Carla's showering him with gifts right now to make him forget the 'unfortunate' accident." There was an unmistakable hint of disgust in her voice.
Jing-Mei heard of the incident, too. It was hard not too, with all the screaming by Reese's mother--Carla--a few days ago. Reese had gotten hurt under Cleo's care, and Carla seemed to blame Cleo for it. Jing-Mei had seen Cleo playing with Doctor Benton's son before, and she knew Cleo genuinely cared for Reese. A casual observer might even think Reese was Cleo's, and of course, Carla could never accept that. "Accidents happen no matter what," Jing-Mei spoke with a certain amount of sympathy, "Doctor Benton will just have to understand."
Cleo shrugged tiredly, "It really wasn't the best idea to date a man from the same hospital anyway. I'll say being single has to be the bless." Noticing the amused look on Deb's face, Cleo blushed. "Oh, what *am* I saying? I sound like..."
"A burnt-out wife who was married for ten years, yes." Jing-Mei grinned.
"Right, well, I feel like one. And I'm *very* envious of you now." Cleo grinned too, and Jing-Mei felt the weight lifting from her chest. At least this little banter was making her feel better. When they were fully immersed in the discussion on their 'being proud to be a single' pep-talk, someone else entered the washroom.
And, of course, who else could this be other than... "Abby, hi," Jing-Mei hoped she didn't look as awkward as she felt right now.
"Hi," Abby approached them with a slightly puzzled look on her face, "Am I interrupting something important?"
Cleo waved her in. "Nah, you're welcome to join in our discussion on 'relationships' here."
"Relationship, or lack there of," Jing-Mei added lightly, sensing Cleo wasn't about to talk about her possible infection.
Abby seemed to relax at that, and headed to the nearest sink. "Relationships. That's a serious one. You need either an ax or Kleenex, right?"
"I carry a lot of C-4, so I'm armed plenty," Cleo quipped with an unmistakable glint of mischief in her eyes, "Abby, you look like you have a story to tell, too."
The alarm in Jing-Mei's head was suddenly glowing in red, and she automatically eyed the door. If she was going to hear Abby's vivid accounts of what was happening between her and Doctor Kovac--*and* with John--she might just as well have to bolt. What *was* it about jinx again?
"I don't know," was Abby's frustrated and frank answer, which surprised Jing-Mei somewhat. Abby, Cleo, her...all of them were private people who wouldn't open up to each other in a hospital washroom of all the places, but the mood they were sharing now was demanding them to be honest with each other, almost like a confession time. So, this is what a Girl Talk is supposed to be like? Jing-Mei wondered with a weary grin.
"You don't know, or you don't want to know?" Cleo asked curiously. It seemed like Cleo wanted to occupy her thoughts with something else than HIV-infection, and Jing-Mei couldn't really fault her for that.
"Both, actually," Abby answered almost casually, but her expression was instantly shadowed. Jing-Mei wondered, very briefly, what Abby was thinking about, or if it had anything to do with John at all.
Of course it had to be. Jinx, Jing-Mei sighed inwardly.
Abby, for her part, looked genuinely troubled, "It's just that I'm not sure which is more important, what I want, or what I...need."
Jing-Mei wanted to shut her brain down for the moment, because she didn't want to analyze that statement. She had already seen Abby and John coming back from a break today, together, and the look on his face told her many things, and Abby's, even more. She didn't want to know, but she already knew. John must've told Abby what he had to say, and now Abby had to make her decision.
"You know what I think?" Jing-Mei found herself saying, "I think what you need has to be more important." Abby needed John, Jing-Mei knew, and she also knew that she was nudging Abby toward John's direction by saying this. But what were friends for, really?
"I agree," Cleo concurred, "What we want usually comes in later after the needs have been met, right?" After a short pause, she added with a hint of humor, "Hey, did I sound like a marriage counselor to you?"
Both Abby and Jing-Mei instantly smiled. "Yep, you're degrading," said Jing-Mei with a playful grin.
"Could've been worse, like a divorce counselor, which I'm sure I'd be good at." Cleo slowly straightened up, her expression now laced with a grim look. "I think I better go to hear my verdict now. I'll see you guys...around."
Jing-Mei and Abby watched after her with varying degrees of worried look, both unable to come up with anything reassuring to tell her. After Cleo walked out, Jing-Mei let out a sigh. Bad things always happened to good people, and everything reminded her that there was nothing she could do about it. When Jing-Mei looked up, she found Abby staring at her a little uneasily.
"Well, um..." Abby hesitated, as if wondering how she should address her. She didn't seem to be comfortable with calling her by her first name just yet.
"Jing-Mei," she supplied with a supportive grin.
"Right, Jing-Mei," Abby grinned back, but the nervous fidgeting was still there, "Well, you know John...Carter, right?"
"Ah, yes, unfortunately," Jing-Mei answered with humor, because Abby now seemed to realize her question had to sound stupid. Of course she knew John. Jing-Mei wondered where this was heading. Abby was usually very reserved about her personal life, and Abby was close to her as much as Cleo was, if not less, so this was a rather curious turn of events. "What about John?" she encouraged.
After seemingly a long moment of debating herself, Abby asked, "Has he mentioned anything about leaving to Northwestern's ER?"
John was considering leaving? That was a surprising bit of information that Jing-Mei knew *nothing* about. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be shocked, angry, or even envious that Abby knew and she didn't. "No, he hasn't said anything to me yet," she carefully answered, "Did he say he was going to?"
"He said he was thinking about it." Abby seemed to regret even bringing up the subject, but there was also obvious relief in her voice, as if she hadn't been able to discuss this with anyone else, and she was glad to let it out from her chest. After a short pause, she amended, "If he hasn't told you about it yet, maybe he isn't seriously considering it."
Jing-Mei thought it was nice that Abby believed John would talk to her about all the important things, although that belief was seriously misplaced. Did John really tell her everything? Not really. "If he *is* serious," she answered after a minute of contemplation, "then I'm sure he'll mention it to you again before anyone else."
Abby stiffened at that, just a little. Jing-Mei guessed Abby must be wondering how much she knew about John's feeling for Abby. And since Abby just showed that she cared for John --as a friend or as something more, Jing-Mei didn't know and didn't care--, Jing-Mei no longer wanted to skirt around the issue. "Abby, if you want him to stay, just tell him so. He will listen to you. Trust me on that one."
Jing-Mei walked to the sink, washed her hand, and grabbed paper towel, and all the while, she didn't spare any glance at Abby, but she could guess that Abby had to be staring at her. She was doing the right thing for John and Abby. They needed each other, and the sooner they realize that, the better. Also, if Abby wanted make John stay--which she could--then the County wouldn't lose one of its finest doctors.
And she, Jing-Mei Chen, wouldn't lose one of her closest friends.
So what if her advice to Abby hadn't been out of pure altruism? All of them would be happy, except probably for Doctor Kovac. But, honestly, who could keep on loving his girlfriend who needed someone else's shoulder to rely on rather than his?
"Jing-Mei," Abby called out when she was about to leave. "Do you really think...what you need is more important than what you want?" Abby's question was seriously measured, and it asked for the truth from her.
Honesty with honesty, the truth with the truth. She owed Abby that much. "That's what I do, going for what I need, not what I want. I don't know if it works, but I guess that's all I can offer." Jing-Mei gave her short, self-deprecating smile and left Abby alone in the washroom.
It was about 8 pm, and ER was surprisingly deserted for the most parts. She walked slowly to the reception desk to check Doctor Greene's patient lists, strolling in the empty space by herself. She felt almost peaceful, too, if she didn't dwell on thinking about what had just happened. She was certain that if she was thinking straight right now, if she wasn't seriously sleep-deprived, or if there was no jinx or bad karma in the air, she would have been able to laugh at the irony, that she of all people was the one who counseled Abby on her complicated love life.
But right now she was too tired to care about any of that.
Someone tapped her shoulder when she was trying to take out Doctor Greene's files. She turned around.
"Deb?" John Truman Carter--a fellow doctor, her longtime friend, someone she cared about very much, and someone she *really* didn't want to talk to right now--called out, his hand on her arm. "You okay?"
For a second, she was tempted to answer him with 'Oh, dandy, really, 'Cause I just advised Abby to dump Doctor Kovac, who, by the way, I very much respect, over you. How're ya doing? Planning to leave County yet?', but she decided to go with a mumbling "Fine", which would give her the chance to slip away from him and quickly walk away.
But he wasn't about to let her get away that easily. Jinx, she clenched her teeth. "You look like a walking corpse right now, and I have to say it's not a good look for you," he stepped in front of her, blocking her escape route, "When was the last time you had some sleep?"
The problem was, when he was paying attention to things other than Abby, John could be a sickeningly sweet and attentive friend. It was usually the quality she most appreciated from him, but right now she found it extremely irritating. "I'm fine, John," she willed herself not to snap at him, "Just a long day."
"You're pushing yourself too hard," he observed, concern marked on his face. "You look too pale."
Pale? Oh, for crying out loud. There had to be some kind of sick humor in this, she decided, but it wasn't all that funny. She began, "John, look--" then she had to stop, seeing a woman entering ER with a bleeding hand. She looked familiar, almost like... "Minhae?" she rushed to her friend, completely ignoring John who came running behind her, "What happened?"
Minhae looked up, pressing her left hand in a vain attempt to stop the bleeding. "Oh, Jing-Mei, am I glad to see you," she let out a relieved sigh, "Can you do something about this? It just won't stop."
Jing-Mei quickly led her friend from her high school, the only one she'd been keeping in touch, to the nearest available bed. "What happened?" she asked.
"I cooked," Minhae grunted.
Jing-Mei wasn't sure if she should laugh or groan. "Min, the last time you cooked was like two years ago..."
"...yes, yes, I know. And no, I didn't burn down the house this time. What can I say? I was feeling rather adventurous today."
Jing-Mei just shook her head, getting ready to clean up the cut. Minhae's clumsiness was beyond her understanding.
"Who's your friend?" a voice suddenly came from behind her, and Jing-Mei almost jumped.
"God, John, don't do that." She shot him a glare, but he only shrugged with his boyish I-could-do-no-wrong grin, while giving Minhae a rather curious glance. So he wanted to be introduced. Why wasn't that surprising? "Min, this is Dr. Carter," Jing-Mei spoke to both of them, "John, this is Minhae Kim, a *very* famous novelist who thinks she's the best there is."
"You flatter me, Jing-Mei. And that's why I like you," Minhae quipped, and turned to John, "Hello, Doctor Carter. I didn't know Jing-Mei had a doctor friend like you." Minhae was already appraising him like in a bachelor auction.
John replied back smoothly, "I didn't know Deb has a friend like you either, so I'll call it fair."
Jing-Mei rolled her eyes. If she let them go on, they'd be picking out china patterns in no time. "I think it's a good time for me to remind you that you're very much taken, Min, and thou shall not flirt with any man who's breathing other than Jeff." She almost added 'And since you're not a blonde or a certain brunette, you don't count for John', but she restrained the urge.
"Spoilsport. You're no fun." Minhae pouted, but adorably. Jing-Mei had to smile. Minhae was a good friend that she hadn't been able to spare time for, and she was glad to meet her, even under this kind of circumstance. The day was, finally, beginning to look up.
John went passed Jing-Mei and looked over Minhae's hand. "It's not serious, but you'll need simple stitches. I'll do it."
Jing-Mei was ready to protest, but John gave her a stern look that said he knew she was about to collapse. It was better not to fight John in his protective mode, so she obediently sat beside Minhae. "How's Jeff, Min? And how's the new book coming out?"
"Jeff's wonderful. He's out of town on a business trip right now. And the book, ow," she grimaced as John started to clean up the cut, "Well, the book's been a pain for a while. I've been working on a same scene for a week, and it's still not working out."
"What's it about?" John asked, like every doctor did to their patient to distract them from the pain they might feel.
"It's a historical fiction about an ancient Korean dynasty," Minhae explained, and Jing-Mei didn't miss the look of passion that passed across Minhae's face whenever she talked about her story. She had read Min's first published book, at first out of obligation, then after reading a chapter, out of pure fascination. Her friend knew how to carry on a good narration with enough suspense and historical accuracy in the mix.
"What's giving you the trouble?" asked Jing-Mei.
"Relationships," Minhae cringed, "Everything always comes down the same thing: why? Why do we do things that we do? That's the hardest and the most interesting part of writing historical fiction--interpreting the behaviors based on facts and give them reasons. And when it comes to love, it's just fantastically insane, the things they--we--do."
Jing-Mei couldn't agree more.
Meanwhile, John had been working fast. He finished cleansing and covered Minhae's hand with bandage. "There, as good as new."
"So, what now, doctor?" Minhae asked, "Would I be able to type any time soon?"
John pretended to think about it before replying, "Probably, just be careful when you're using knives next time. And I recommend take-out for a week."
"Good." Minhae looked happy. "I'm not complaining about *that*."
"How are you getting home?" Jing-Mei asked Minhae when John pushed away the tray. With the injured hand, she wouldn't be able to drive. "If Jeff's not home..."
"Why don't you drive her home?" John quickly suggested, "And you should go home, too, Deb. You should rest."
Jing-Mei ignored the arched-eyebrow look Minhae gave her at John's 'Deb', and spoke emphatically, "John, I *am* fine. If you tell me that one more time, *I*'m going to burn something."
If John was going to say something to persuade her again, she was never going to hear it, because Abby appeared behind him. "John? Can I talk to you?"
John turned around, slightly surprised to see Abby there. He then looked back at Jing-Mei, guiltily. "I..."
"Go ahead, I'll finish off," Jing-Mei said quickly, already taking over. "Go." She gave him an encouraging smile.
John hesitated for less than a second before leaving with Abby. Jing-Mei noticed that, even though Abby looked uneasy, there was definitely a look of determination in her face. She'd made her decision, and it concerned John more than Doctor Kovac. It seemed that Abby finally figured it out; she didn't want John to leave. It was very good news for John, and not so good news for Doctor Kovac.
And what about you, Jing-Mei asked herself. What is this to you, good news or bad news?
"Jinx," she told herself. "Just jinx, that's all."
"What?" Minhae asked, staring at her strangely.
Had she said that out loud? Jing-Mei sheepishly explained, "It's my jinx day. You remember? When one thing goes right--"
Minhae finished for her, "--everything else goes wrong, I know, I know, the famous jinx of yours. But I'd say there's nothing you can't fix with a good night's sleep and some rest, which, like that doctor said, you really need."
Jing-Mei gave her friend a weary grin. "I think I'd know what *I* need, Min."
"Well, not really. It's usually the opposite. People don't know what they *really* need until it's too late. It's sad, I think."
So what? Jing-Mei didn't want bad things to happen to good people, and if one more good person was going to have better days from now on, she was going to be happy for him. That was all there was. And she didn't need John in her life other than as a friend. She didn't need any more complication. She *knew* she didn't need him, and that was enough.
She finished off the rest of the work, and Minhae waited for her. Jing-Mei got a suspicion that Minhae was waiting for her not because she wanted a ride home, but because she wanted to make sure that her friend was going home and get some sleep.
As soon as Jing-Mei got out from the locker room, Minhae came to her side, her injured hand seemingly already forgotten. Typically, Minhae began discussing her newest story, but somewhere along the line--probably after the third Korean prince began to take over the empire and start building a bigger one--Jing-Mei was no longer listening, thinking about something else entirely.
"....I mean if you're in love with someone, why would you let anything, let anyone, get in your way?"
"What?" Jing-Mei blinked, suddenly realizing what was just said.
"The story, Jing-Mei. I still have to build this character and the reason he'd let her go. I mean, why did he? If he was the man that the history says he was, then he shouldn't have. He should've had the courage to hold on to what he wanted." While giving her the explanation, Minhae regarded her carefully with her perceptive eyes. Jing-Mei didn't like that. Minhae was too perceptive--as a requirement of a good writer--to miss anything that was going around her, and she wasn't just asking about what she thought about a historic figure. She was asking what Jing-Mei thought about her own choices. "Why do you think he did that?" Minhae asked again.
Jing-Mei saw her answer at the exit, where John was standing with Abby with a content smile. There was that awkwardness between the two of them that could only exist when a relationship just began, but they were happy anyway. She briefly wondered where Doctor Kovac might be at this moment, but they didn't seem to care about that either.
"Because," Jing-Mei asnwered to her friend, "that was the right thing to do."
Jing-Mei smiled, despite the fatigue, despite the damn jinx that'd been plaguing her all day, despite the fact that she wanted nothing but to break down right at this moment. Despite everything, she smiled, because she knew she did the right thing today.
And that was good enough.
It had to be.
06/23/01
Rest assured. This isn't the end yet. ;)