"John, what's wrong?" He'd regained the haunted pained look. She sat on his couch as he stuffed the leftovers in the fridge and then sat with her.
"I need to confess something, Anna."
"You're dating someone? Married...I can take it, come on. You're a spy, you're in the CIA..."
"Really Anna." He wasn't smiling.
"Sorry. Trying to lighten the mood."
"Anna, about 2 years ago...it'll be 2 years in February...I got attacked by a patient."
"John, I'm so sorry...what happened?"
"He was a skitzophrenic, he thought we were stealing his organs when we did an LP. I don't know, I think I blocked a lot of it out. He stabbed us with a knife he found in the lounge. Don't ask me how he got the the lounge..."
"Us?"
John sighed deeply and looked into her brown eyes. "My med student. She was a second year."
"Oh, and so she moved to another..."
"No. Lucy...didn't make it." He stared at a little throw pillow on the chair across from the couch.
"I'm sorry, John, I had no idea...are you OK?"
"Now I am, but...Anna, if you hate me, I understand..." He paused nervously and turned to look her in the eye once again.
"I wouldn't hate you, why would I possibly...What is it, John?"
"I got hooked on painkillers." He stood up abruptly, pulling away from her. "They were for my back, and I just...Even after Chase, after Max, after everything. I just needed something, Anna, something to take it all away."
Anna sat, but said nothing. She thought she knew him, she thought he was the same old John, the man she'd wanted more than anything...almost...to be with. Now she could see where his tired look came from, his dark circles from sleepless nights. It all made sense now, all the signals of a haunted past he never had before. "And now?" Her voice cracked slightly as she tried to comprehend the fact that this could happen to John.
"I went to rehab. I'm clean, I'm...I know...I blamed myself, Anna. And I try not to do it anymore. But it was just this overwhelming power, I make people leave me. I kept thinking that I made you leave, something I did or said, or I just didn't say enough. And I was responsible for Lucy leaving me as well, and...You always hurt the ones you love, and I didn't mean to hurt you, Anna. I don't know what I did or said or what I should have said, but I...I never meant for you to leave." He'd said it. There was no turning back now.
"It wasn't you, John. It was me and Max, and something stronger than any of us that made me go back. I wish I could have told you, explained it, but I just...I didn't know how to explain it to myself, I couldn't possibly try to tell you. I didn't think you blamed yourself, John, because there was no reason for you to." She stood up and put her arm around his shoulder, guiding him back to the couch. He sat when she pushed her hand down on his shoulder, feeling like he couldn't control his own movements if he tried.
"I just don't want you to go."
"John, I'm here. I don't hate you. You got yourself into rehab, you're fine now. You're not like Max or Chase. And I didn't hate Chase...or Max. I was dissapointed. But they were different from you, John. Chase did it for the high, Max did it out of pure addiction. You were in a serious traumatic situation. I don't want you to think I'm anything less than supportive of you. You turned back from it, John. You beat it."
"Sometimes I wonder if I really did."
"You did. I'll be here for you, and we'll make sure."
"Thanks Anna. If you don't mind, I'm kinda tired. The guest room is all made up...I'll see you in the morning, OK?"
"Of course. Goodnight." He dissapeared into his bedroom and Anna realized she hadn't told him what she was going to. Oh well...some secrets will only come out when they're ready to be heard.
~*~*~*~*~*~
We're on this roller coaster ride
hold on I'll stay here by your side
we head up to the sky, then we slide back down
upside down tryin to figure out
not sure if we could work it out
****
AN: oh yeah, the author's notes come at the end this time, wow what a big change. hehe. Anyway, I didn't know I was going to use the song until I had finished, so, I DON'T OWN IT! it's "Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray, from the new CD. I don't own them either. Like you were so surprised. Hope you liked it, and hope you review! comments, praise, and/or CONSTRUCTIVE critisism welcome:) aw hell, flame me if ya really want to, just write a review. (but if you're flaming, you probably shouldn't have read 3 chapters...hehe, me and my logic) :)~~~Thena