The Shadows of Insanity
A/N: All right, before I get to the songfic part, what with the recent plagiarism happenings – and I do not know if it was really plagiarized, please do not attack me – well, anyway, I take no credit for the song itself. The lyrics were by Arnold, the music was by Roberts, Arnold, and Harrell, and 3 Doors Down preformed the song. And for those of you who might say that I copied this fic…I didn't.
Living Risky, never scared, wander closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear, always wondering why you're here
Sirius Black lay on the cold floor of the clammy Azkaban cell, staring up into the darkness. Somewhere up there there was a ceiling, wasn't there? Of course there was a ceiling, they wouldn't just forget to put a roof on a prison! Idly he wondered if he was going crazy.
All your purposes are gone, nothing's right and nothing's wrong
Nothing ventured nothing gained, feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Thoughts ran through his head, no organization or purpose to them at all. 'Nothing Ventured nothing gained'…He and James had said that at one point. How long was he going to be here anyway? Were they ever going to kill him or give him The Kiss, or were they just going to let him mold away in his cell?
Kiss me while I'm still alive, kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me live and let me learn
Now I'll follow my own way, and I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice, remember when that was my life
Why didn't they just kill him? Sirius paced up and down his cell, infuriated. Wait, he didn't want to die, he had never done anything in the first place! Or had he…after all this time…maybe he was the one who had handed James and Lily to Voldemort…of course he wasn't. He hated Voldemort. Was this what it was like to be crazy? Was Voldemort crazy? Was he, Sirius, finally cracking? Kill him…Let him live. Die…Live. Which one did he want? Where was he now? He wasn't dead…at least he didn't think he was dead…but was this really being alive? The smell that he could no longer smell, the cold that had driven him to permanent numbness, the mold, the dementors gliding up and down the hallway…THIS WAS NOT LIVING. Sirius threw himself at the bars again and again.
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody's got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place
Keep me caged and free the beast
Exhausted, he fell to the floor. Thoughts of James and all of his friends, who now thought he was a traitor, chased each other around in his head. Slamming himself into the bars had had some effect…he took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. If he lost it now, then all was done for, completely. No hope. He had to look forward. Just that. If they kept him locked up for much longer, however, he would go crazy…he was certain about that. No, he wasn't supposed to be thinking these things. Well then goddamn it, what was he supposed to be thinking about? What else was there to think about?
Falling faster, time goes by
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be
Now I'm blind and cannot see
Sirius lay on his side, pressed up against the door of the cell, his hands clenching the bars for all they were worth. In these moments of realism and ration, he could see it. He was falling. For the moment he was holding on, by a single shred, to sanity. Where the shred had come from, he had no idea. How long would he hold on? How long? He stared into the murky shadows of the hallway. Torches flickered in the depths of the shadows, but their light was not strong enough to ward off the darkness…the shadows seemed to devour the light, just as the darkness, the insanity, within him would soon destroy him. Dementors didn't need light to see, and humans – innocent humans - rarely ventured into the depths of the wizard prison. Innocent? He was innocent. What was he doing here then? As if called by his thoughts, Sirius heard the sound of people in the hallway, and the sound of a human voice. He clenched the bars tighter, snarling the fire of hatred as he recognized the voice of Cornelius Fudge. No. He would not let Fudge see him like this. Sit up. SIT UP! ACT HUMAN! He shoved away from the bars, pulling himself to a sitting position against the far wall. Within two minutes Fudge was at the door of the cell, flanked by dementors. He peered in at Sirius. Sirius bit back a snide comment…the comment was completely irrelevant. Then it occurred to him that if he wanted Fudge to think he was still all there, he should speak. The paper under Fudge's arm. What date was it? Ask for the paper. He could not make his mouth move. ASK FOR IT! Sirius asked, as casually as he could. Fudge stared at him numbly, not moving. Then he shook his head and handed Sirius the paper. Sirius forced himself to say thank you.
Kiss me while I'm still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms
Let me live and let me learn
Sirius felt his eyes widen. It couldn't be. HE HAD SURVIVED? If Peter had survived, that what was he doing in this hellhole? WHY WAS HE HERE? THE GUILTY MAN WAS STILL OUT THERE! Calm down. Calm down. Breathe. Remain Calm. You don't have enough sanity left to go into rages like this. BUT IT WAS A WELL-EARNED RAGE! The one responsible for the crime…the crime that had landed Sirius here…how could it be? How had he survived? The one guilty was out there, living a LIFE- he had not had EVERYTHING taken from him; he had not suffered the pain. And an innocent rotted away. He really was a rat. Sirius burst out laughing as the pun struck him. He always had gone overboard with puns. He laughed hysterically, as he had not laughed since they threw him in here. But it was the laughter of a madman. Stop. Laughter attracts Dementors. Stop. STOP! But he couldn't. STOP NOW! He forced himself to stop laughing, seeing that there was nothing funny. Now he wanted to sob. No. No emotion. The dementors will come. You don't have enough strength as it is. You need all your strength if you're going to escape. Escape? Where had that come from?
Now I'll follow my own way
And I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice
Remember when this was my life
Escape. Yes. Sirius sat, shaking slightly, breathing hard. The paper twisted in his hands, tearing in spots. He would escape. There was no way he could stay here. Peter needed to be brought to justice. The bastard was going to get what he deserved. SOON. Sirius twisted and untwisted the paper, his breath raspy now. His fear began to surface to the top of his mind. No. No fear. No fear. The fear of going insane. If he stayed here that fear would devour him from inside as the insanity did. It would be a race. Which would devour him first? The fear grew. No. No fear. If you escape, there is no fear of insanity. You will not go crazy. YOU WILL SURVIVE!
Kiss me while I'm still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms
Let me live and let me learn
Now I follow my own way
And I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice
Remember when this was my life