Disclaimer: Basically everything here isn't mine, so don't sue me for anything. The only thing I do have is a poetic license. This fic was not made for profit, either. It's merely a writing to express oneself (me!)
*WARNING: Shounen-ai alert below, which means boy x boy love, but I guess that's common in CLAMP fanfics. Some ecchi jokes, too, so I suggest that this fic shouldn't be read by people under 13.
Kamui and the Seven Dwarves
Long ago, a kind and beautiful prince (yes, it's a he) named Kamui lived in a large castle with his stepbrother, the king. Jealous of Kamui's beauty, the king, (whose name is Fuuma, by the way) forced the little prince (Geez, I sound like Antoine de Saint-Exupery) to wear his school uniform always and work all day. Now, Kamui was sick of having to do all the chores and the school uniform made him look like a geek. But he secretly wished that someone will save him from this hell, preferably someone influential and rich. And surely enough, as this is supposed to be a fairy tale, one day, another prince, and the 13th head of the Sumeragi Clan called Subaru rode by while Kamui was trying to do his homework. Seeing that Kamui was having problems with his homework, Subaru helped him. Kamui fell in love with Subaru, not at once, but after a few meetings since Kamui was never quite a good student and always asked for Subaru's help with his homework. Kamui began to think that Subaru was his dream come true because the Sumeragi Clan was powerful as well as loaded. Subaru liked Kamui as they both had something in common: an angsty past. While Subaru lost his twin sister, Hokuto, who was killed by the man he loved, Kamui lost his first love, Princess Kotori when the king had such a bad fit and cut off his own sister's head with his Shinken.
Meanwhile, the king consulted his magic mirror, asking, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the bishiest of them all?" the mirror replied, "A young boy I see, with violet eyes, and hair as dark as the night skies…" "Kamui!" Fuuma shouted angrily.
The king called for his personal assassin, Sakurazuka
So, off they went. When Seishirou asked Kamui to go to the woods with him, he wasn't suspicious. But things felt a bit weird after they went into a very secluded place with lots of sakura trees. "The sakura blossoms are beautiful, aren't they, Kamui?" "Yes it is-hold on, it's not April, how can they bloom?" "Ah, that's…family secret" Seishirou said, pinning Kamui down on the trunk of a big sakura tree "Sakurazuka-san! What_the_hell_are_you_doing?!" "Pity, such a pretty face, you look like Subaru-kun when he was younger." "You know him?" "Kamui asked, startled. "How can I not know him after living with him for one year and killed his sister?" "So you're the guy he loves?" "You could say that. But now, I have to kill you-orders from the king." "Fuuma? Why?" "He wanted to be the most bishie guy in this land, so he became mad after he heard that you were the one." "Mad? You mean angry. You should brush up your English." "No, mad as in insane, crazy, nuts, and so on." "Oh." "Enough of that, now I must kill you, wished your 'Subaru' was here to save you, don't you?" Seishirou teased.
Inside Kamui's mind, he was boiling with jealousy and anger,
since his love to Subaru was unrequited and his rival was standing right in
front of him. Usually, when he was annoyed, he just held it back. But even stuff
like this had its limits. Kamui felt like he was going to burst any second now,
which he did. He let out a huge blast of energy which hit Seishirou thus
knocking him into a nearby pond. "Kamui, I'll ::gurgle:: get you for ::gasp::
this!"
Back at the castle, Seishirou was changing into dry clothes and thinking what way would be best to kill Kamui when Fuuma summoned him. "So, did you execute Kamui?" "…Yes, I did" Seishirou lied, not wanting to be the victim of another Fuuma Fit™. "So where's his heart?" "I pierced through it so there's not much of it left, the body was turned into sakura petals, and the soul I fed to my sakura tree." "Excellent, now, shall we?" And they went on doing 'that something not suitable for kids'…eating Cadbury Chocolate Éclairs. (Hah! Betcha thought it was something ecchi!)
"Is he awake yet?" "No, not yet." Kamui heard squeaky little voices-like Kotori's-speaking. He opened his eyes and found himself in a futon with six pairs of eyes staring back at him. "Aaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! Where am I? What are you?" "It's not polite to scream like that you know." A little man with weird, baggy clothes and a funky hairdo said to him. "I repeat, who_the_hell_are_you_guys?!" "We found you outside our house. Who are /you/ and did you come to steal our Pocky mine?" A little woman with long hair and a school sailor uniform asked him. "Pocky mine? No, my name's Kamui" He sat up "I…" then he proceeded to tell them about his life story, what happened to him, and how he ended up there. After that, a long pause was heard and the dwarves huddled up for a discussion. "Kids these days grow up too soon." "I agree." "Ermm…etto, he's a boy, right? How can he be in love with another man?" "Ah, shut up, go eat some Pocky, you're underage, anyway." "Really? Yatta!" "Wait! She'll eat all the Pocky! STOP HER!" Kamui can just watch as the other five dwarves are trying to stop a short-haired female one from devouring all the Pocky.
"Anou, can't you guys stop it and introduce yourselves or something?" the dwarves immediately stopped. "All right, if you insist." said the one with the baggy clothes. "I'm Hyperactive Dwarf. And this here is my girlfriend." He said, putting his arm around the sailor-uniformed one. *slap* "Ouch! Nee-san, that hurts!" "I'm Deadpan Dwarf. Don't mind him." Another dwarf, clad only in lingerie and pink bunny slippers stepped forward. "I'm Exorcist Dwarf. Come up to my room tonight if you want some cheering up." Major sweatdrop. "We know you /worked/ in a soapland but never thought that you really /enjoyed/ it…" said a dwarf with a business suit. "I'm only kidding, Jesus, can't you take a joke?" she sputtered. She turned to Kamui "But if you really want to, do come up…mmhhh!" "That's enough, Karen-san, he's still too young for hentai things. We're sorry. I'm Paternal Dwarf." The dwarf apologized. The tiny short-haired dwarf stepped out. "Hi! I'm Infantile Dwarf." She said. "Who's that dog beside you?" Kamui questioned. "His name is Inuki…you can see him?" "Well, yes." "REALLY?" She freaks. "What's with her?" 'She always does that when someone sees her Inugami.' "Who's that?!" Kamui demanded. 'I'm Dream-Peeper Dwarf. The seven of us would like to welcome you.' A miniature dwarf-who was real small for even their size crawled forward on her hands. "But there're only six of you!" Kamui counted. 'There's still Cataleptic Dwarf.' She pointed to the futon next to him. There laid a fine-looking dwarf who looked as beautiful as a girl. 'You might meet him in your dreams.' She smiled. Sure enough, he did. But all Cataleptic Dwarf talks about is a girl called Hokuto which eventually drove Kamui sick.
So Kamui was allowed to stay in the dwarves' house, and in return, he did chores for them whenever they went to the Pocky mine. Even though Kamui still pines for Subaru, it was straight away forgotten due to the squabbles that occurs everyday in the house, in which Kamui has to act as a peacemaker.
All was fine until one day the
King decided to check on his bishounen status yet again. "Mirror, mirror on the
wall, who is the bishiest of them all?" "Fuuma, my king, you look downright
cool in those glasses, but the bishiest guy (according to the fangirls'
opinion) is the boy who wears the same clothes to his classes..." "What?" Fuuma
broke the mirror in his anger. "But Kamui's dead! Wait a sec, the
Another not-so-peaceful day in the dwarves' house had started. The dwarves were now getting up and getting ready to go to the Pocky mine. Kamui was cooking in the kitchen. "You call this porridge? Looks more like toxic waste to me." Hyperactive dwarf complained. A cross-like mark forms on Kamui's forehead. "Look, if you don't like it, why don't you make your own breakfast?" "Ok, no need to be upset." "You sure you can take care of yourself?" Paternal Dwarf asked. "Yeah, I'm fine, don't forget to take Cataleptic Dwarf with you. Bye!" "Bye!" the dwarves shouted back at Kamui, and proceeded to the Pocky mine singing X Japan's 'X' theme.
Kamui was going back inside the house to clean up the remains of breakfast (there's usually a lot of it) when he heard a knock on the door. He went out to see who it was. "Who is it?" "Please, sir, would you buy some chocolate chip cookies?" Ah, a girl scout, he thought. So he went and opened the door. He became suspicious after seeing the 'girl scout' who looked like anything but one. He had the build of a young man instead of a girl. "…Sorry, but I don't have any money." "You can have a free sample." "Well, in that case," Kamui grabbed a cookie (hey, who could resist freebies?) and collapsed to the ground after he took a bite. (how bad can a cookie be?)
When the dwarves had gotten home, they found Kamui lying on the floor, stone dead. "Oh no, he died without even cleaning the house!" *pinch* "Youch! Nee-san…" "How could you be so inconsiderate?" Infantile Dwarf screamed. "What are we supposed to do now? We can be charged with murder." Hyperactive Dwarf asked Dream-Peeper Dwarf. 'The police force isn't invented yet.' "I keep forgetting! But what should we do with the corpse?" "We could feed him to the vultures." Deadpan Dwarf suggested. "Good idea, babe! Hey, what's this? A chocolate chip cookie? Half-bitten, but looks good." Without thinking, Hyper Dwarf popped the cookie into his mouth-then crashed to the floor.
"…What should we do with /him/?"
"Why not dispose of him with the same method?" "Oh, well, I guess the vultures
could use a side-dish." "Let's go on with the plan, then." Just then, Subaru
came riding by. "Now, where /is/ Kamui? I thought he wanted me to help with his
algebra homework today. Say, did I just hear squeaky little voices?" He went to
check out the source of the voices. First he thought that they were little kids
playing in the woods. Instead, he found 6 little people (Cataleptic Dwarf woke
up after the incident) dragging out the bodies of another of their kind
and…Kamui's. "Kamui! What happened to him?" "You wouldn't happen to be Subaru,
would you?" Exorcist Dwarf asked. "As a matter of fact, I am, what did you do
to Kamui?" "We didn't do this to him, we just found him." "Ara?" "Look, we'll
give you a short description." They told him how and why Kamui had gotten
there. "Happy?" "Seishirou-san…" "Hello, Earth to Subaru, you there?" "…Huh?"
"You're an onmyouji, right? You should be able to cure them." "But what about
the vul-" "Ssshhh!"
~3 hours later~
"Can't you read any quicker?"
"This is taking forever…" "Hey, can I help it if I'm a slow reader?" "That's a
picture book, for God's sakes! It's only got 10 pages!" "Ah, I found it!"
"What?" The dwarves asked in unison. "He can only be awakened by love's first
kiss. Who's volunteering?" The dwarves all stared at him. "Ok, I will." *cheers
from the dwarves' side.* "But only if somebody else tests it on that
~owari~
Prologue: At the end, Kamui
marries Subaru anyway. The dwarves were invented to their wedding, where Hyper
Dwarf proposes to Deadpan Dwarf, and she said yes
X is © CLAMP and ASUKA
Cadbury Chocolate Éclairs is ©
*Well, how did you like it? My
first-ever successful attempt
that can be written to the