There was silence between the two of us for a long moment. A comfortable silence, which didn't put any pressure on anyone to fill it with conversation, and it gave me time to think about what my next steps could and would be. I could play this cool, pretend that he read a whole lot more into this than what it had been. I could retreat into that corner and not admit to anything, technically therefore going back to that ominous square one Ranger and I had found ourselves in for the past few years. A square where nothing ever happened because no one ever moved somewhere more meaningful that could lead potentially to something: maybe something more serious, something that could clear up ideas and confusion, or right to heartbreak. And that was the tricky part… you didn't know where square two could and would lead. It could be good; it could also be bad. And somehow, Ranger and I had become incredibly comfortable with the status quo, dwelling on the idea that if nothing ever happened, nothing ever would change. It was a bit of a Catch-22, seeing as I would have liked for something to happen and, therefore, change. But only if it was a good change.
And then, without meaning to, I let out a sigh, realizing that exactly this was the issue. Square One's and no one ever making a step that could change things up. I knew what my excuse for such behavior was, but what was his? And maybe, as far as we had managed to come until now, why stop while on top? Yes, this could end badly, and I could end up getting my heart broken, and I'd probably cry a whole lot more for the next few days than I had in a while, but… this could also end a lot better. Who said this didn't have a future and needed to go downhill? We had sat down and a grownup conversation so far. Who said it couldn't continue that way?
I nodded confidently. "Alright, let's," I just said, looking straight at him. For a second I wondered whether I just imagined the short moment of surprise, or if it had just been something that I wanted to see. And then there was a soft smile displayed on his lip.
"I hadn't expected you to be that welcoming to this topic."
"What can I say? Maybe I have grown up exponentially over the past few months, weeks, and days. I might have just realized that it doesn't get me anywhere when I keep pretending that all is good and well, and things aren't worth changing because… they might lead to an unfavorable outcome."
"Let me ask you this… what exactly would you consider an unfavorable outcome?"
Letting out another sigh, this time, however consciously, I thought about how to best phrase what I was about to say. "Getting your heart broken sucks. Totally. And has a way of haunting you for years. You have mentioned enough that your life doesn't lend itself to relationships, that you have a whole lot of dangerous people after you, that you aren't made for relationships. There is probably somewhere a whole list of reasons or excuses you have given over the years as to why, and I don't blame you. I believe neither of us was ready for… anything. I was still more or less hung up on Morelli – whether I like to admit it or not – and you had your own issues to deal with. But the thing is, I am ready now. And I don't think I can or even want to stand back any longer, hoping and wishing, praying and manifesting for something to finally move. In order to accumulate change, you must make a step that makes change possible. So far, we have always gone around in circles, never moving anywhere. It's time to break that circle. And… I don't expect you to jump right in, or to even be on the same page. It is okay if you are still not certain about us, about me, about… love and commitment. But I realize I get tired of waiting. I rather rip off that band-aid now and know where I stand than wait around more years, just to realize it will never happen."
Ranger didn't reply to my monologue for the longest while, just looking at me and somehow, I got the feeling he was looking for a way to get out of this and let me down somewhat gentle-ish.
"That is some growing up you did," he just remarked after a while of silence. I decided on shrugging as an appropriate response, because what else was there to do?
"I do love you," he went on a moment later, and I could already hear the unspoken but. So, I decided phrasing it for him.
"I hear a but in there," I just remarked and saw him look at me intensely for a moment.
"But" he said with a smile on his lips, either amused about me or his bad pun. "It wouldn't be easy. There are people out there trying to find a way in to inflict pain for me and those around me. My job does come with a whole lot of issues and problems. My life isn't on a path to a picture-perfect family with white picket fences and two kids. I really might not be the relationship-kind of guy, but mainly because I never have really been in one, at least not for a very long time. I am independent, self-sufficient and used to my freedom, not having to include a whole lot of people in plans, consider others or even justifying myself and what I do and when I do it. This won't be easy."
Quiet a monologue and yet all I heard were reasons why I should back down, which had probably been the intention.
"That doesn't sound like a straight no," I remarked, surprised.
"It's not meant as a no. It is just something you need to be aware of."
"Okay, let's go through that rather extensive list and look at everything realistically. First, there are people out there on whose lists I'm probably as well. Sure, my guys are most definitely not a match to your bad guys, but… I am not entirely unfamiliar with the idea. There have, after all, been quite a few attempts at revenge. Are you sure you would be comfortable with that threat in my life?" I asked seriously and saw him look at me surprised before that expression shifted to a smile. Point made, I guess. "Second, my job comes with a whole long list of issues and problems as well and I'd almost certainly would take a bet on that my list will be longer than yours. I mean, I still need to get one apprehension that doesn't end with me covered in things, cars exploding, fires starting, mayhem breaking out or me on yet another front page of the Trenton Times. You can't claim either of these since most of your jobs leave you clean-ish, without the entirety of TPD, TFD and Emergency responders showing up. Yes, you can claim the big badass agencies, but usually they are boring, just saying," I said, getting a smile from him. Before he could however respond to anything, I quickly went on.
"They tend to show up once everything is over and done. If they show up at all. Another point for me and maybe against us – if we follow your logic. Third was you and the picket-fence idea. I am not exactly on the expressway to picture-perfect family either and quite honestly, I'm not sure I even want to be. I certainly don't need a white picket fence and much rather would have a beachfront property in Point Pleasant. Instead of two kids, I might have two dogs instead. Who knows? I am at no point in my life where I feel becoming a mother would result in achievement or where the thought would make me comfortable in all fairness. I can hardly manage my own life; I don't need a kid thrown into that. And with my family? Good luck if he or she doesn't need therapy by the age of 10. The next point was that whole relationship-material stuff… I mean, I might have been in a whole lot more relationships that you can claim for yourself, but let's see who I dated."
I stopped for a dramatic pause, making sure I had his attention before starting my list. "There was Morelli, who took my virginity on the floor of a bakery after-hours and then left in a spectacular fashion for which I hit him with a car. After that I married Dickie who cheated on me with the town skank not even six months after our I do's. After that it was back to Morelli, because apparently, I didn't learn my lesson the first time around and seem to just need that kind of self-castigation. So, you see, I might have been in a handful more relationships than you, but I might as well have just stayed by myself," I explained, seeing him nod.
"Which brings me to your last point and freedom, independence and self-sufficiency. I am used to that as well and let's be honest, I hate telling people what I'm up to. Mainly because they follow me around, thinking I can't do what I am about to do all by myself, or they look for new gossip. But I would like to remind you, as much as you just said, you are used to considering other people… whenever there's an emergency that involves me, you arrive on scene barely a second after the first emergency responders, often enough even before them. You are constantly in my corner and support me in ways most people would never consider. You don't seem to care about the mayhem that follows me around and occasionally take it upon yourself to go after my guys if you figure they might be maybe a tad bit out of my league and still hand that paycheck to me. You do a whole lot more than my none-boyfriend than my actual boyfriends Morelli and Dickie ever did. And they stood to gain something out of supporting me. You don't. Also, I dated Morelli, didn't I? Do you think if he didn't scare me away, you would succeed with whatever reason you can give me? Think again. I don't want to force myself onto you and into your life and I certainly don't try to invalidate your arguments, but if these are the best you can come up with you might as well just give up your fight already because you are fighting a battle you can't win."
Instead of a reply, he just smiled at me for the longest moment before getting up from his seat, walking the three steps to me, leaning over and pressing his lips firmly against mine.
Looks like we finally found common ground then.