Episode Eleven: Kanye west
"Ladies and Gentlemen: it's the Eric Andre Show!" Eric got out a magic book and summoned a dinosaur. The dinosaur let Erik ride him, and Eric used the dinosaurs to crash into the desk in the room. Eric was not very good at magic though, so the dinosaur was very ugly and also off-green. The dinosaur also had big indigestion and took a big ol dookie on the set floor. That would suck for the intern that would have to clean it up. The intern who was on staff was still Tyler the creator's father.
The dinosaur then disappeared, as that is how the spell works. It did not do as much damage as Eric was hoping that I would do, so Eric just went around and kicked some extra things. This hurt his foot, and he held it in his hand and made a small moan. He limped to his desk and waited until Hannibal showed up. Which was many hours later. Eric's foot was still in pain but he went ahead and asked Hannibal how his day was. Hannibal gave a sigh and then went into a bunch of local gossip about things Eric only kind of cared about.
Eric did not want to hear any more of Hannibal's mindless gossip. He wanted to hear about the lives of great human beings. He wanted to know how people became presidents. He wanted to know how Lyndon B Johnson could be the person he was. He wanted to understand power. Power is not just in the body, not physical power, by the worldly power. How does one become a great man? Eric knew just the right guest to have on the show for this-
"Ladies and gentlemen, KANYE," Eric said. He himself was pretty proud that they got this guest. There Was electricity in the air. What would Kanye do?
For the time being, he just walked out and sat down, much like every single other guest that Eric had on the show. He stared at Eric, waiting to be asked a question. But instead Eric, much like Pennywise the clown, just kind of drooling. Kanye, to be fair was used to this response to him. So he just sat there and waited for Eric to compose himself. This was the moment the utmost of Kanye's new songs were composed. Waiting for someone to stop drooling.
"Well, Mr. Ye, Mr. Kanye, Mr. Kanye West,"
"Yes, hello," Kanye said. And this made Eric droll again. Eric whipped some of the drool off of his coat and then tried to reach out to shake Kanye's hand, but Kanye had been watching what had just happened and was not interested in shaking his hand. So he just kind of put his hands up and didn't say anything. Eric nodded his head excitedly and retracted his hand. He pulled out some note cards and tried to read them, but it just came out as a high-pitched scream.
"Well okay," Kanye said. And then began to get up and leave.
"No," Eric screeched out. It came out much easier than anything he had ever said before. He started with Kanye. Kanye did not move. "Please stay, I made cookies"
And the internet came out with a tray of cookies. They looked terrible. They looked like if you had served them to Satan on Christmas day you would not be getting any presents. Kanye did not acknowledge, but he did sit back down. He seemed rightfully nervous.
"Can I have water?" Kanye asked.
The internet was immediately there. He had five bottles of water, all different. Kanye picked the smart water, and in the process of picking the bottle up, he hit the other bottles with his wrist and knocked them all over. The intern dove into the ground to pick them up.
"So how do you come up with your ideas?" Eric said while gazing down at his note cards. They had nothing written on them.
"What?" Kanye said.
"So, how do you come up with your ideas," Eric asked, this time much slower.
"Oh, I don't have any ideas," Kanye said, fiddling with his fingers.
"But what about all the songs, and the music,"
"Nah, those aren't ideas," Kanye said. He looked sad. Forlorn.
"Oh okay," Eric said. He barely just got it out.
They sat in silence for a good while. This was nice. There were so few moments in either of their lives where they just gotta sit, and not do anything.
And then the screen card "We'll be back" happened, and the show went to a commercial break.
When they got there they were still with Kanye. Now Eric was openly drooly continuously. Just a stream of drool coming out of his mouth. Kanye was on his phone playing angry bird- which is a knockoff of angry birds which only has one level to play. An intern came over and tried to close Eric's mouth but that just led to changing the angle and getting off the droll on Kanye. Who sighed loudly at this and mumbled something about having a new sports jacket.
"I'm sorry sir," The intern said to Kanye.
"I think I've had enough, and it's time to leave," Kanye said, and went to stand up, but as he stood a large clown fell to the ground from the ceiling. Kanye jumped back and fell into the chair in his surprise.
"Oh, I was supposed to do that earlier- I'm sorry sir," the clown said to Eric.
"It's okay Bradley"
"Thank you, sir," and then the clown found the nearest ladder and went back into the ceiling.
When they returned to the show Eric was on the street. He had a bit of twister matt, but instead of colorful dots, they were pizzas. On one side there were pepperoni pizzas, and on another, there were sausages pizzas, and another line of veggie pizzas and the last was just breadsticks. There was a dial of pizza flavors to the mat's left.
"Please someone play Twister with me? '' Eric yelled out in a whiney way. "Please!" people passed him by the street. Some were openly staring. He was on the mat, moving around, trying to play with himself.
A child came by and put a hand on the pizza but their parents pulled them away. Then a homeless person came by and stole a pizza. There were sixteen others so really it shouldn't have mattered that much. Eric ran after the raggedy man. The raggedy homeless man ran but was much slower than Eric.
"You have to play twister if you want a slice," Eric screeched out in a horror film tone, his eyes squinting and a serious look on his face. This was a point he was not going to compromise on. He would not let down his eye contact with the homeless person.
The man stared at Eric. He had been asked many annoying things in his life. This was one of them. He sighed loudly and said he would do it.
It was an extremely unfun game of twister. That was how most adult games of twister turn out in my experience. Usually, they involve over-engaged children, and that could be a difficult thing to be around. The homeless man set his stick with a bag tied around the end on the ground. No one would take that. He was very hairy. I'm writing that before he takes off his jacket. When he takes his jacket off it's like oh is this a bear? It's not a bear, it's a human being.
Eric does the first spin of the water wheel and it comes up with pepperoni. He sticks his foot in the nearest pepperoni and gives a wild smile. The homeless person flicked the twister wheel and it also came up with pepperoni.
"Okay I think that's enough," Eric said with a calming tone.
"SIR, SIR PLEASE" but the homeless person had picked up his things and had walked off to go to the nearest box car. Eric was left all alone, in his bed of messy pizza.
While he was crying into the pizza a large rat came up and stole one of the veggie pizzas.
And that was that episode. No more of that episode. They ate all the pizza after the prank was done, so that was pretty environmentally friendly. They also don't have a single bottle of bottled water on set, so that's also very environmentally friendly.