Dedication: To Anita aka Coqui beta, torturer (lol), and confidant extraordinaire. To Christina my Harry Potter friend (or was it fiend?) To all my reviewers and flamers... because you're really going to hate me after you read this part.
Authors note: THIS IS REALLY DARK! WARNING: I LEFT IT AT A TERRIBLE CLIFFHANGER, OR THIS MIGHT IN FACT BE THE END OF THIS STORY. This is a strong PG13 because of a really bad swear word and certain themes.... Please, please don't hate me, I've left hints, and you may ask questions. I may not always answer the questions.
Disclaimer: All of Harry Potter and his friends belong to the lovely JK Rowling.
Harry Potter and the Bad Dreams
Chapter 4: The End
Harry, Hermione, and Ron approached the horseless carriage that would deliver them to the entrance of Hogwarts. The ride was mostly silent as Harry sat pondering what his dream might have been about. He sighed with resignation, as Hermione looked up at him. "Harry, do you feel alright?"
"Hermione, could you quit asking me? I'm fine, I'm just... thinking." Harry told her in an annoying tone. Hermione thought it best not to badger him any further
~~~
When the trio made it into the Great Hall, they headed towards the Gryffindor table. Almost as if she had apparated, Professor McGonagall appeared before them. She eyed Hermione and Ron, and then set her gaze on Harry. "Harry, Professor Dumbledore wants to see you in his office. Ron and Hermione, you may stay for the feast," she said pointing towards the Gryffindor table.
Ron and Hermione uttered their farewells as Professor McGonagall led the way out of the Hall, and up toward Professor Dumbledore's office. When they reached the familiar gargoyle, McGonagall bent over and muttered treacle tart in it's ear. The door swung open revealing the moving staircase. McGonagall watched Harry as he approached the staircase. Just before stepping on, he glanced back at her.
"Go on, Potter," McGonagall said, fixing him with a stern look.
"Aren't you coming?" Harry asked.
"No, I must see to the first years. You know the way. Don't keep Professor Dumbledore waiting," she called to him as she turned around and left.
Harry stood dumbly before the staircase, and waited a few seconds before he finally got on. As he approached the headmaster's office he felt a huge sense of dread, the inevitable was about to happen. After what seemed to be an eternity, Harry reached Dumbledore's door. He cautiously knocked on the door and heard Dumbledore's familiar voice telling him to enter.
Upon entering Harry stopped in his tracks and looked at the people around him. Sirius was standing and looking at Harry with deep concern and another masked emotion that Harry placed as hurt. Harry couldn't bear to look Sirius in the eyes so he looked over at Dumbledore instead. Sadly, Dumbledore looked old and tired as he looked at Harry from behind his desk. Harry finally set his gaze upon Dr. Bentley who was standing next to Sirius and looking quite furious.
Harry was shaking with anger. He had trusted the doctor enough to admit to him how it was selfish to endanger his friends. Harry could not contain his anger, he threw himself at the doctor. "You told?!" Harry screamed at him.
"Harry..."
"I trusted you, I mean I actually trusted you with my thoughts. What I felt about Ron and Hermione how it is stupid to risk their lives. What I felt about Sirius..."
"Harry it was for your own good, you can't see it right now but you will!" Benjamin interjected.
"You don't know anything about me. Just go to Hell! Just... Fuck off!" Harry turned around, about to leave the shocked silence that was overpowering. Dumbledore took out his wand, aimed it at the door, and angrily yelled fermes closing the door before Harry reached it.
"Let me out," Harry said calmly, but with furious meaning behind it. He heard someone walk up behind him, and felt two familiar hands on his shoulders, turning him around. Harry was forced to look in Sirius' eyes, and he hated to see how hurt Sirius was by his comments.
"I'm not letting you out of this room, Harry, or out of my life," Sirius whispered, barely audible. Sirius hugged him, but Harry just stood stiffly with his arms at his side. Sirius let go quickly, shocked at receiving no response, and steeped back looking at the boy who stood before him.
"By creating this rift between us, when we lose our courageous battles, your grief will be increased a hundred fold," Dumbledore said to Harry. Harry glared hatefully at Dumbledore. "Start opening up to us or I have no choice but to take you off the Gryffindor House Team and Gryffindor will lose 150 points at the end of the month." Harry started to open his mouth in protest, but one look from Dumbledore cause him to shut it just as fast, "Every month," Dumbledore said, clearly and concisely.
Harry walked up to him, "I already can't play quidditch, thanks to the relatives you left to care for me. You don't know me." Harry walked silently towards the door; "Can I leave now?"
Dumbledore released the hold on the door. "You will NEVER understand me," Harry said under his breath, yet audible enough for the others to hear.
"It's because we do understand you that we are doing this to you," Sirius whispered silently to Harry's retreating form.
~~~
Harry's first week of school was horrendous to say the least. Every night he had nightmares, and by the time he woke up, they were already forgotten. On the rare occasion he did remember the dreams, he couldn't discern truth from reality.
For the sake of Gryffindor house, Harry kept conversation with Ron and Hermione. He did noticeably distance himself by never actually starting conversations or commenting. Only when asked a question would he really talk. Ron and Hermione noticed this, just as they both noticed that Harry had stopped eating.
To make matters worse, the Gryffindor 5th years were matched up with the Slytherin 5th years for almost every class, excluding herbology where the Gryffindors were paired with the Hufflepuffs. Luckily each house had their own solitary Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Even better then that, Professor Lupin was teaching DADA because after what had happened last year, Dumbledore had said he would trust no other. Dumbledore cared not what the parents said, but for the children entrusted to his care.
By Friday, Harry woke up with his scar throbbing. He turned over, brought the sheet up over his head, and groaned. Ron stumbled out of bed, and made his way over to Harry's curtained bed, yawning. "Harry, come on, we're going to be late to Lupin's class, let alone breakfast. Hermione will kill us!"
"I'm up, I'm up," Harry muttered, stumbling out of bed and to the washroom. Fifteen quick minutes later, Harry and Ron were making their way downstairs to the Great Hall. Hermione was already seated at Gryffindor table, reading their Defense Against the Dark Arts text book.
"Hey guys, so nice of you to join me. You'd better hurry up and eat breakfast, or we'll be late for class," she said, not even looking up from her book.
"And a hi-ho-happy hello to you too!" Ron said sarcastically, sitting down next to her.
"Quite an appetite you have there," Hermione said, eyeing Harry's empty plate.
"Yeah, come on Harry. Please eat something."
"I'm not that hungry," Harry said, just the thought of food made him queasy.
"Here, eat this piece of toast, you won't be able to concentrate on an empty stomach," Hermione said, handing Harry a piece of toast. Satisfied when she saw him take a bite, she turned back to her book. About five minutes later, people began to filter out of the Great Hall, including Ron, Hermione and Harry. The three trudged upstairs to the DADA classroom.
"Good morning class, please take your seats," Lupin said happily. "Today we are going to discuss how to defeat vampires. Sadly, we won't use real ones to practice on..." Lupin smiled when he heard the sighs of relief coming from the class. By the end of the class, everyone was hurrying to get the last minute notes copied down. When the bell rang, Lupin asked for Harry to stay after.
"You guys go ahead, I'll see you in potions," Harry told Ron and Hermione. After they were gone, Harry sat down at a desk and looked up at Lupin.
"Harry, it came to my attention that you were rubbing your scar today in class..."
"Nervous habit," Harry stated quickly.
"Is it hurting?" Lupin asked.
"No, I'm...I'm fine."
"Harry, you know you can tell me anything."
"Really, Professor, I'm fine," Harry said while packing up his things.
"Okay, Harry, you can go, but if you ever need to talk..."
"Yeah, sure, but I really have to get going. It's Snape, ya know?" Harry said, hurrying out of the DADA classroom, and towards Snape's classroom.
Upon entering Potions, he heard Snape's distinct voice from across the room, "Ah, so excellent of you to join us, Mr. Potter that will be 15 points from Gryffindor. Sit down." Harry sad down, without protest, and set up his Cauldron.
"Today we will be making one of the more common sleeping potions called dormiras. Turn to page 265 and begin. We will be testing this potion on rats for a quiz grade," Snape said as the Gryffindors groaned inwardly.
The potion itself wasn't too complicated, but the ingredients had to be exact. Harry found this out when Draco Malfoy 'accidentally' fell against him, causing Harry to pour an excess of faeri dust into the dormiras potion. The effect of the extra dust caused an explosion that didn't hurt anyone, but made a nice mess on Harry's table.
Snape glanced up cruelly from his desk, "Potter, you have failed your quiz, and I am taking 10 points from Gryffindor. You will stay after class and clean up this mess."
"Harry didn't do it, it was Malfoy who pushed him from behind!" Hermione said from the back of the class.
"5 points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger, anyone else willing to stand in Mr. Potter's defense?" Snape asked. The Gryffindors all shot Harry apologetic looks.
The bell rang soon after, and everyone packed up and left. Harry picked up a cloth and began to clean the potion off the table. Suddenly, pain surged through his scar causing Harry to fall to the floor, "Potter?" Snape called out walking towards where Harry had fallen. "Potter..." Snape knelt down beside him and placed his hand on Harry's forehead.
Harry's eyes opened immediately as he cringed away from Snape's cold touch. Harry forced himself to sit up and stand, he wavered slightly as Snape put a steadying hand on his shoulder.
"Come on, Potter, hospital wing," Snape broke the silence.
"No, please, I don't want to go. It's just that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm just really tired," Harry pleaded with Snape.
Snape looked down at him, "Okay, but go to your common room and get some rest. Lethargy and magic are never a good mix."
"Yes Professor," said Harry while he gathered up his things and quietly left. Snape sighed resolutely as he sat down. Nearly a minute later he stood up and headed towards Dumbledore's office.
~~~
Snape walked into Dumbledore's office without even knocking. Dumbledore looked up from his desk, and Professor McGonagall stood up.
"Ah Severus, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Dumbledore smiled.
"It's about Potter," said Snape, glancing at McGonagall.
"Curious, Minerva is here for the exact same reason, please, sit down," Dumbledore said, motioning to an empty chair.
"He fainted while he was cleaning up a potion. He said he was really tired so I sent him back to his common room."
"Perplexing..."
"That's not all Albus, Ron and Hermione confessed to me that Harry isn't eating. Remus told me that he caught Harry rubbing his scar in class," McGonagall whispered, almost fearful that Harry could hear her.
"It seems it is time for me to pay a little visit to Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore, gathering his thoughts and putting them into his pensieve.
~~~
"Harry, it's all your fault I'm dead. All that is close to you will suffer the same fate..." Cedric's body wavered in front of Harry.
"Harry, come back to us, we love you, we miss you..." the voices of James and Lily Potter reverberated in Harry's head. He woke up in a cold sweat and glanced at his wristwatch. Two A.M., and he wasn't going back to sleep again; he was too afraid.
Harry walked over to Ron's trunk and pulled out a rather large beat-up old book about the Chudley Cannons called Challenges at Chudley. He silently walked downstairs deciding to read before the warm common room fire.
~~~
Harry sat in one of the big, comfortable chairs in front of the fire. He opened the book on his lap and watched a beater chase a bludger across the page.
"Mr. Potter, what are you doing here?" Dumbledore asked, emerging from the shadows. Harry nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of another voice.
"You know, I could ask you the same thing," Harry replied, while idly flipping another page in the book.
"Dreams about Mr. Diggory and your parents?" Harry raised questioning eyes to Dumbledore. "Harry, there are more ways to use magic then one can possibly think of."
Harry silently turned a few more pages in the book. "Harry, Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Lupin, have brought to my attention that you aren't eating or sleeping. Also some interesting incidents with your scar. What's the matter?"
"Sometimes I think it isn't worth it." Harry whispered, looking towards the fire.
"What?"
"It isn't worth living anymore."
"What do you mean, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, sitting in the chair beside him.
"I miss them so much!" Harry said slowly.
"Harry..."
"No, I just want to die, I want to kill myself."
"Harry, why?" asked Dumbledore, gazing intently at him.
"The risk for my friends is great, and I'll get to see my parents again..." Harry softly said.
"Harry, this is nonsense talk. You don't know what you're saying. You don't know how much you're needed. Suicide is the coward's way out, and you are no coward. Promise me, promise me you won't do this," Dumbledore said, looking intently into Harry's green eyes.
Harry looked back towards the fire, "I promise."
"Good, now go back up to bed and sleep. If you can't go to sleep, see Madam Pomfrey in the morning, okay?"
"Okay," Harry agreed as Dumbledore made his way towards the portrait hole. After he left, Harry closed the book and went back upstairs. Tomorrow was another day that was too far away.
~~~
Harry sat on his bed, quill and parchment in hand as he began to write a note:
Dear Sirius,
I'm really sorry that I did this. Please try and forgive me. I didn't want to hurt you, I just didn't want to be responsible for the deaths of the people I care about. I apologize for what I'm about to do, and I hope that you don't blame yourself. There's only one person to blame, and that's me. I'm sorry I did this, really I am. I think it's the only way to save you, Ron, and Hermione. I might be wrong. I love you.
Always,
Harry
Harry wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, and placed the note on his bed. He rustled quietly through his trunk, feeling for the silky threads of his invisibility cloak. He finally found it tucked in the far-right corner. Harry slipped it over himself making sure that no part of him was showing. He tiptoed out of his room, down the stairs, and out the portrait hole. Crookshanks appeared from the girls' dormitory and watched curiously as the portrait hole opened and closed. The fire in the fireplace died, sending up a single trace of white smoke.
~~~
Harry made his way down to the dungeons, cautious of Filch, Mrs. Norris, and Peeves. When he reached the Potions classroom he picked the lock, he knew Fred and George's antics would come in handy one day. Harry walked over to Snape's locked ingredient cupboard, and opened that as well. He silently looked at the different bottles, taking a few here and there. He set up Snape's cauldron and turned to page 264 in the book beside Snape's desk. Harry mixed all the ingredients and set it to simmer
The 15-minute simmering time seemed to go by in about 15 seconds. A small voice in the back of his mind murmured, 'You're taking the coward's way out! False promises you never intended to keep. You're no brave Gryffindor.'
"I'm the bravest Gryffindor, one who will take his life for the sake of his friends," Harry whispered to himself. He then took a goblet down from a shelf and poured the cauldron's contents into it. He brought the goblet to his lips, but second thoughts almost caused him to set it down once again. The thought of seeing his mum, and hearing his father's voice pushed the second thoughts away. In one swift movement, he had downed the contents of the goblet.
Snape suddenly burst through the door. "Potter! What are you doing here? POTTER!" Snape yelled out seeing Harry drop the goblet and fall to the floor.
Snape ran to Harry and grabbed Harry's face, forcing Harry to look him in the eye. "Potter... Harry, what did you take?! TELL ME!" Implored Snape, panic rising in his voice.
Harry's eyes opened wide in bewilderment. 'What have I done?' his mind screamed out. He felt everything get cold and fuzzy as his eyes began to close. Harry began breathing with struggled breaths.
"Harry! Stay with me! James, Lily, help me! He's too young, he's our last and only hope!" Snape screamed to the heavens, roughly shaking Harry.
Harry opened his eyes once more and looked at Snape's panic-stricken face, "Please forgive what I have done," Harry breathed as Snape leaned down to hear his whispered words. Harry's eyelids drifted slowly shut, and he went limp in Snape's arms.
~~~
Authors note: No comment (come on I've left hints... if you're smart enough, email me your thoughts raycer_14@hotmail.com
P.S. - Coqui wrote the note in the story
Authors note: THIS IS REALLY DARK! WARNING: I LEFT IT AT A TERRIBLE CLIFFHANGER, OR THIS MIGHT IN FACT BE THE END OF THIS STORY. This is a strong PG13 because of a really bad swear word and certain themes.... Please, please don't hate me, I've left hints, and you may ask questions. I may not always answer the questions.
Disclaimer: All of Harry Potter and his friends belong to the lovely JK Rowling.
Harry Potter and the Bad Dreams
Chapter 4: The End
Harry, Hermione, and Ron approached the horseless carriage that would deliver them to the entrance of Hogwarts. The ride was mostly silent as Harry sat pondering what his dream might have been about. He sighed with resignation, as Hermione looked up at him. "Harry, do you feel alright?"
"Hermione, could you quit asking me? I'm fine, I'm just... thinking." Harry told her in an annoying tone. Hermione thought it best not to badger him any further
~~~
When the trio made it into the Great Hall, they headed towards the Gryffindor table. Almost as if she had apparated, Professor McGonagall appeared before them. She eyed Hermione and Ron, and then set her gaze on Harry. "Harry, Professor Dumbledore wants to see you in his office. Ron and Hermione, you may stay for the feast," she said pointing towards the Gryffindor table.
Ron and Hermione uttered their farewells as Professor McGonagall led the way out of the Hall, and up toward Professor Dumbledore's office. When they reached the familiar gargoyle, McGonagall bent over and muttered treacle tart in it's ear. The door swung open revealing the moving staircase. McGonagall watched Harry as he approached the staircase. Just before stepping on, he glanced back at her.
"Go on, Potter," McGonagall said, fixing him with a stern look.
"Aren't you coming?" Harry asked.
"No, I must see to the first years. You know the way. Don't keep Professor Dumbledore waiting," she called to him as she turned around and left.
Harry stood dumbly before the staircase, and waited a few seconds before he finally got on. As he approached the headmaster's office he felt a huge sense of dread, the inevitable was about to happen. After what seemed to be an eternity, Harry reached Dumbledore's door. He cautiously knocked on the door and heard Dumbledore's familiar voice telling him to enter.
Upon entering Harry stopped in his tracks and looked at the people around him. Sirius was standing and looking at Harry with deep concern and another masked emotion that Harry placed as hurt. Harry couldn't bear to look Sirius in the eyes so he looked over at Dumbledore instead. Sadly, Dumbledore looked old and tired as he looked at Harry from behind his desk. Harry finally set his gaze upon Dr. Bentley who was standing next to Sirius and looking quite furious.
Harry was shaking with anger. He had trusted the doctor enough to admit to him how it was selfish to endanger his friends. Harry could not contain his anger, he threw himself at the doctor. "You told?!" Harry screamed at him.
"Harry..."
"I trusted you, I mean I actually trusted you with my thoughts. What I felt about Ron and Hermione how it is stupid to risk their lives. What I felt about Sirius..."
"Harry it was for your own good, you can't see it right now but you will!" Benjamin interjected.
"You don't know anything about me. Just go to Hell! Just... Fuck off!" Harry turned around, about to leave the shocked silence that was overpowering. Dumbledore took out his wand, aimed it at the door, and angrily yelled fermes closing the door before Harry reached it.
"Let me out," Harry said calmly, but with furious meaning behind it. He heard someone walk up behind him, and felt two familiar hands on his shoulders, turning him around. Harry was forced to look in Sirius' eyes, and he hated to see how hurt Sirius was by his comments.
"I'm not letting you out of this room, Harry, or out of my life," Sirius whispered, barely audible. Sirius hugged him, but Harry just stood stiffly with his arms at his side. Sirius let go quickly, shocked at receiving no response, and steeped back looking at the boy who stood before him.
"By creating this rift between us, when we lose our courageous battles, your grief will be increased a hundred fold," Dumbledore said to Harry. Harry glared hatefully at Dumbledore. "Start opening up to us or I have no choice but to take you off the Gryffindor House Team and Gryffindor will lose 150 points at the end of the month." Harry started to open his mouth in protest, but one look from Dumbledore cause him to shut it just as fast, "Every month," Dumbledore said, clearly and concisely.
Harry walked up to him, "I already can't play quidditch, thanks to the relatives you left to care for me. You don't know me." Harry walked silently towards the door; "Can I leave now?"
Dumbledore released the hold on the door. "You will NEVER understand me," Harry said under his breath, yet audible enough for the others to hear.
"It's because we do understand you that we are doing this to you," Sirius whispered silently to Harry's retreating form.
~~~
Harry's first week of school was horrendous to say the least. Every night he had nightmares, and by the time he woke up, they were already forgotten. On the rare occasion he did remember the dreams, he couldn't discern truth from reality.
For the sake of Gryffindor house, Harry kept conversation with Ron and Hermione. He did noticeably distance himself by never actually starting conversations or commenting. Only when asked a question would he really talk. Ron and Hermione noticed this, just as they both noticed that Harry had stopped eating.
To make matters worse, the Gryffindor 5th years were matched up with the Slytherin 5th years for almost every class, excluding herbology where the Gryffindors were paired with the Hufflepuffs. Luckily each house had their own solitary Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Even better then that, Professor Lupin was teaching DADA because after what had happened last year, Dumbledore had said he would trust no other. Dumbledore cared not what the parents said, but for the children entrusted to his care.
By Friday, Harry woke up with his scar throbbing. He turned over, brought the sheet up over his head, and groaned. Ron stumbled out of bed, and made his way over to Harry's curtained bed, yawning. "Harry, come on, we're going to be late to Lupin's class, let alone breakfast. Hermione will kill us!"
"I'm up, I'm up," Harry muttered, stumbling out of bed and to the washroom. Fifteen quick minutes later, Harry and Ron were making their way downstairs to the Great Hall. Hermione was already seated at Gryffindor table, reading their Defense Against the Dark Arts text book.
"Hey guys, so nice of you to join me. You'd better hurry up and eat breakfast, or we'll be late for class," she said, not even looking up from her book.
"And a hi-ho-happy hello to you too!" Ron said sarcastically, sitting down next to her.
"Quite an appetite you have there," Hermione said, eyeing Harry's empty plate.
"Yeah, come on Harry. Please eat something."
"I'm not that hungry," Harry said, just the thought of food made him queasy.
"Here, eat this piece of toast, you won't be able to concentrate on an empty stomach," Hermione said, handing Harry a piece of toast. Satisfied when she saw him take a bite, she turned back to her book. About five minutes later, people began to filter out of the Great Hall, including Ron, Hermione and Harry. The three trudged upstairs to the DADA classroom.
"Good morning class, please take your seats," Lupin said happily. "Today we are going to discuss how to defeat vampires. Sadly, we won't use real ones to practice on..." Lupin smiled when he heard the sighs of relief coming from the class. By the end of the class, everyone was hurrying to get the last minute notes copied down. When the bell rang, Lupin asked for Harry to stay after.
"You guys go ahead, I'll see you in potions," Harry told Ron and Hermione. After they were gone, Harry sat down at a desk and looked up at Lupin.
"Harry, it came to my attention that you were rubbing your scar today in class..."
"Nervous habit," Harry stated quickly.
"Is it hurting?" Lupin asked.
"No, I'm...I'm fine."
"Harry, you know you can tell me anything."
"Really, Professor, I'm fine," Harry said while packing up his things.
"Okay, Harry, you can go, but if you ever need to talk..."
"Yeah, sure, but I really have to get going. It's Snape, ya know?" Harry said, hurrying out of the DADA classroom, and towards Snape's classroom.
Upon entering Potions, he heard Snape's distinct voice from across the room, "Ah, so excellent of you to join us, Mr. Potter that will be 15 points from Gryffindor. Sit down." Harry sad down, without protest, and set up his Cauldron.
"Today we will be making one of the more common sleeping potions called dormiras. Turn to page 265 and begin. We will be testing this potion on rats for a quiz grade," Snape said as the Gryffindors groaned inwardly.
The potion itself wasn't too complicated, but the ingredients had to be exact. Harry found this out when Draco Malfoy 'accidentally' fell against him, causing Harry to pour an excess of faeri dust into the dormiras potion. The effect of the extra dust caused an explosion that didn't hurt anyone, but made a nice mess on Harry's table.
Snape glanced up cruelly from his desk, "Potter, you have failed your quiz, and I am taking 10 points from Gryffindor. You will stay after class and clean up this mess."
"Harry didn't do it, it was Malfoy who pushed him from behind!" Hermione said from the back of the class.
"5 points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger, anyone else willing to stand in Mr. Potter's defense?" Snape asked. The Gryffindors all shot Harry apologetic looks.
The bell rang soon after, and everyone packed up and left. Harry picked up a cloth and began to clean the potion off the table. Suddenly, pain surged through his scar causing Harry to fall to the floor, "Potter?" Snape called out walking towards where Harry had fallen. "Potter..." Snape knelt down beside him and placed his hand on Harry's forehead.
Harry's eyes opened immediately as he cringed away from Snape's cold touch. Harry forced himself to sit up and stand, he wavered slightly as Snape put a steadying hand on his shoulder.
"Come on, Potter, hospital wing," Snape broke the silence.
"No, please, I don't want to go. It's just that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm just really tired," Harry pleaded with Snape.
Snape looked down at him, "Okay, but go to your common room and get some rest. Lethargy and magic are never a good mix."
"Yes Professor," said Harry while he gathered up his things and quietly left. Snape sighed resolutely as he sat down. Nearly a minute later he stood up and headed towards Dumbledore's office.
~~~
Snape walked into Dumbledore's office without even knocking. Dumbledore looked up from his desk, and Professor McGonagall stood up.
"Ah Severus, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Dumbledore smiled.
"It's about Potter," said Snape, glancing at McGonagall.
"Curious, Minerva is here for the exact same reason, please, sit down," Dumbledore said, motioning to an empty chair.
"He fainted while he was cleaning up a potion. He said he was really tired so I sent him back to his common room."
"Perplexing..."
"That's not all Albus, Ron and Hermione confessed to me that Harry isn't eating. Remus told me that he caught Harry rubbing his scar in class," McGonagall whispered, almost fearful that Harry could hear her.
"It seems it is time for me to pay a little visit to Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore, gathering his thoughts and putting them into his pensieve.
~~~
"Harry, it's all your fault I'm dead. All that is close to you will suffer the same fate..." Cedric's body wavered in front of Harry.
"Harry, come back to us, we love you, we miss you..." the voices of James and Lily Potter reverberated in Harry's head. He woke up in a cold sweat and glanced at his wristwatch. Two A.M., and he wasn't going back to sleep again; he was too afraid.
Harry walked over to Ron's trunk and pulled out a rather large beat-up old book about the Chudley Cannons called Challenges at Chudley. He silently walked downstairs deciding to read before the warm common room fire.
~~~
Harry sat in one of the big, comfortable chairs in front of the fire. He opened the book on his lap and watched a beater chase a bludger across the page.
"Mr. Potter, what are you doing here?" Dumbledore asked, emerging from the shadows. Harry nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of another voice.
"You know, I could ask you the same thing," Harry replied, while idly flipping another page in the book.
"Dreams about Mr. Diggory and your parents?" Harry raised questioning eyes to Dumbledore. "Harry, there are more ways to use magic then one can possibly think of."
Harry silently turned a few more pages in the book. "Harry, Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Lupin, have brought to my attention that you aren't eating or sleeping. Also some interesting incidents with your scar. What's the matter?"
"Sometimes I think it isn't worth it." Harry whispered, looking towards the fire.
"What?"
"It isn't worth living anymore."
"What do you mean, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, sitting in the chair beside him.
"I miss them so much!" Harry said slowly.
"Harry..."
"No, I just want to die, I want to kill myself."
"Harry, why?" asked Dumbledore, gazing intently at him.
"The risk for my friends is great, and I'll get to see my parents again..." Harry softly said.
"Harry, this is nonsense talk. You don't know what you're saying. You don't know how much you're needed. Suicide is the coward's way out, and you are no coward. Promise me, promise me you won't do this," Dumbledore said, looking intently into Harry's green eyes.
Harry looked back towards the fire, "I promise."
"Good, now go back up to bed and sleep. If you can't go to sleep, see Madam Pomfrey in the morning, okay?"
"Okay," Harry agreed as Dumbledore made his way towards the portrait hole. After he left, Harry closed the book and went back upstairs. Tomorrow was another day that was too far away.
~~~
Harry sat on his bed, quill and parchment in hand as he began to write a note:
Dear Sirius,
I'm really sorry that I did this. Please try and forgive me. I didn't want to hurt you, I just didn't want to be responsible for the deaths of the people I care about. I apologize for what I'm about to do, and I hope that you don't blame yourself. There's only one person to blame, and that's me. I'm sorry I did this, really I am. I think it's the only way to save you, Ron, and Hermione. I might be wrong. I love you.
Always,
Harry
Harry wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, and placed the note on his bed. He rustled quietly through his trunk, feeling for the silky threads of his invisibility cloak. He finally found it tucked in the far-right corner. Harry slipped it over himself making sure that no part of him was showing. He tiptoed out of his room, down the stairs, and out the portrait hole. Crookshanks appeared from the girls' dormitory and watched curiously as the portrait hole opened and closed. The fire in the fireplace died, sending up a single trace of white smoke.
~~~
Harry made his way down to the dungeons, cautious of Filch, Mrs. Norris, and Peeves. When he reached the Potions classroom he picked the lock, he knew Fred and George's antics would come in handy one day. Harry walked over to Snape's locked ingredient cupboard, and opened that as well. He silently looked at the different bottles, taking a few here and there. He set up Snape's cauldron and turned to page 264 in the book beside Snape's desk. Harry mixed all the ingredients and set it to simmer
The 15-minute simmering time seemed to go by in about 15 seconds. A small voice in the back of his mind murmured, 'You're taking the coward's way out! False promises you never intended to keep. You're no brave Gryffindor.'
"I'm the bravest Gryffindor, one who will take his life for the sake of his friends," Harry whispered to himself. He then took a goblet down from a shelf and poured the cauldron's contents into it. He brought the goblet to his lips, but second thoughts almost caused him to set it down once again. The thought of seeing his mum, and hearing his father's voice pushed the second thoughts away. In one swift movement, he had downed the contents of the goblet.
Snape suddenly burst through the door. "Potter! What are you doing here? POTTER!" Snape yelled out seeing Harry drop the goblet and fall to the floor.
Snape ran to Harry and grabbed Harry's face, forcing Harry to look him in the eye. "Potter... Harry, what did you take?! TELL ME!" Implored Snape, panic rising in his voice.
Harry's eyes opened wide in bewilderment. 'What have I done?' his mind screamed out. He felt everything get cold and fuzzy as his eyes began to close. Harry began breathing with struggled breaths.
"Harry! Stay with me! James, Lily, help me! He's too young, he's our last and only hope!" Snape screamed to the heavens, roughly shaking Harry.
Harry opened his eyes once more and looked at Snape's panic-stricken face, "Please forgive what I have done," Harry breathed as Snape leaned down to hear his whispered words. Harry's eyelids drifted slowly shut, and he went limp in Snape's arms.
~~~
Authors note: No comment (come on I've left hints... if you're smart enough, email me your thoughts raycer_14@hotmail.com
P.S. - Coqui wrote the note in the story