TOW The Bings (Part Two)
Disclaimer: Still don't own them. Song Lyrics are from Edwin McCain's "I Could Not Ask For More".
"Monica? Mon…Sweetie, wake up." She turned her head toward the sound of her voice, and spoke without opening her eyes.
"Chandler…I just had the most horrible dream." She reached a hand towards him, slowly waking up. "You were in an accident."
"Monica, it wasn't a dream." The stoic sound of his voice jerked her all the way awake, and she realized with horror that she was lying in a hospital bed with him. Sitting straight up, she stared at him, reading the truth in his face. "It wasn't a dream, Monica. This is really happening."
She just stared at him in disbelief. "It can't be, Chandler. It can't be happening to us."
"It is, Mon. It is." His voice sounded resigned. The note of despair in his voice wakened her fighting nature.
"No, it's not. We're not going to let it happen. You hear me, Chandler? It's not going to happen to us. You - we - are going to beat this. You are not going to -" She stopped, unable to say that last word. First the first time, she realized exactly what could happen. "No. I won't let you."
He was crying. Her strong, confident, loving husband had tears streaming down his face. She kissed them away from his face, and pulled his head down onto her chest, holding him as he had so often held her. "Shhh. Chandler, sweetie, please don't. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay."
"I don't know what to do, Monica. What about Matthew? What about you? What will you do if something happens to me?"
"Nothing's going to happen, sweetie. You're the one that has always said that our love is so strong that it can overcome anything. I'm gonna love you through this. I'm going to love you so much you won't have any choice but to get rid of this…thing…that's come into our lives all of the sudden. And didn't you hear the doctor? It's in the early stages. The accident was the best thing that could have happened. You'll probably just have a simple operation and this will be all over."
She knew it wasn't true. Even if the operation was successful, he would still have to go through chemotherapy, just to be sure. But they'd deal with that then.
She could feel his head nodding against her. She pulled back so that she could look into his eyes, trying to tell him that she would love him, that she'd give him strength when his was gone. And she could read the fear in his, and then, slowly, the determination that he would beat it. She smiled when she saw the desperation fade, and stroked his cheek with one hand.
"I love you, Chandler Bing. And I've got no intention of going through my life without you. Not if I can help it."
Rachel was sitting on the couch with Matthew, reading to him, when Chandler and Monica got home. At the sound of the door, they both turned, and Matthew jumped up and ran straight into his father's arms.
"Daddy!"
"Hey Matt. How's my boy?"
"I'm fine. Are you okay? Auntie Rachel said you had an accident."
Chandler leaned his head against his son's and held him tightly.
"I did have an accident, sweetie. But Daddy's home now. You don't need to worry, okay?"
"Okay. Do you want to see my picture?"
Monica broke in, brushing Matthew's hair out of his face as she spoke.
"Daddy and I would love to see your picture, sweetie, but then it will be time for bed, okay?"
He didn't argue as she expected, but jumped down from Chandler's arms and went to get the picture. After his parents had oohed and ahhed sufficiently over the unrecognizable picture of "Central Park", Matthew was changed into pajamas and put to bed. They stifled his complaints of "no story" by telling him that Aunt Rachel had just read to him. Finally, he was content to settle down and sleep, even though it was much earlier than his usual bedtime. As soon as Chandler and Monica walked back into the living room, Rachel wanted to know what was going on.
"Why did you come in here with those long faces? Matthew's been scared to death all afternoon. I thought you'd be all cheerful, trying to convince him nothing was wrong. God, you two scared me."
"Rachel." Monica's somber voice stopped Rachel's tirade, and she looked at her, surprised. "Call Ross. We need to talk to both of you."
"He's…on the way. I asked him to come get Jackson in case it took you guys a while to get here. What in the world is wrong? Chandler, you weren't hurt in the wreck were you?"
"Not exactly." Before Rachel could question them further, there was a brief knock and Ross walked in.
"Hey! You guys are back. You okay, Chandler? I hear you gave Mon a scare."
"Sit down, Ross. We need to talk to you." Ross looked at his sister's serious face and froze.
"Oh God. What is it?"
"Just…sit down." Ross sat down next to his wife and put an arm around her shoulders. Both of them stared back at Chandler and Monica, anxiety on their faces.
Monica put her arms around Chandler's waist, and willed him strength to tell their best friends the truth. He squeezed her arms, and she knew that he felt her support. Monica began to speak, not knowing if Chandler would be able to get the words out. She wasn't all that sure she could, even if it was Ross and Rachel.
"Well, today, while Chandler was in the hospital, they did a CAT scan. Just to make sure the concussion wasn't too serious. And it wasn't…but there was something else. The doctors said…The doctors said..." She couldn't say the words. She broke down crying, and buried her face in Chandler's shoulder. Chandler wanted to hold her, hug her, and kiss her until she regained control, but he knew that Ross and Rachel were growing more frightened by the minute. He had to tell them. He couldn't prolong their anxiety.
"I have a brain tumor." He couldn't wait for the shock to register on their faces. He didn't want to see the fear in their eyes, because that would mean he would have to face his own fear. And he had to stay strong. "I have a brain tumor. It's actually not too bad - yet. It will get worse of course. But, luckily, the accident helped them catch it before it got much further. If I hadn't been in the car accident, the doctor said I might not have shown symptoms for…months. They're going to see if it's operable. If it is, they'll cut it out. I'll have some chemo and hopefully that will be the end of it. If it's not operable, then I'll have extensive chemo. Months of it. I'll be in and out of the hospital, getting treatments for weeks…" His voice trailed off as he finally looked up at his friends, who weren't listening to his recitation anyway. Ross was staring at them, speechless, and Rachel was sitting still, hands over her face, tears running down her face. Chandler turned his attention to Monica, who was still crying against his shirt. He stroked her hair, trying to hold his own tears in check, hoping she would calm down. He didn't want to take the chance of Matthew hearing his mother crying and alarming him.
"Please…say something." Chandler's pleading tone was not something they were used to hearing. Ross and Rachel looked up at him, and Monica lifted her head to look at Ross and Rachel expectantly. Ross reached for Rachel's hand, and then spoke falteringly.
"I don't…What is there to say? This is terrible; it can't be happening…You guys already know that. I guess the only thing that Rachel and I can say is 'What can we do?' Please, tell us anything that we can do to help you. We'll do anything." Rachel nodded in agreement, her eyes on Monica. Chandler was amazingly in control. She didn't know how he was doing it. But Monica… Rachel couldn't help wondering what Monica would do if…
"Well, there is something else that we would like to discuss with you." Chandler's voice was back to normal. He led Monica over to the armchair, and pulled her onto his lap, holding her tightly. He knew that this was hard for her. Harder in many ways than it was for him. He could fight. He was the one suffering. She just had to stand by and watch. He knew he would much rather endure the pain and misery than to have to watch her go through it.
"Monica and I talked about some things before we left the hospital. The most important thing was Matthew, of course. If this turns into a long ordeal, and we have to deal with the fact that there is a good possibility it will, then there are going to be lots of times when I won't be here…for days on end. And Monica will be with me at the hospital." Chandler stopped and tried to force a smile. "All of us know that not even Matthew will be able to keep her here for long when I'm there. Anyway, we wanted to ask you if you would kind of take care of him, while we're away. We might even be taking some trips to other medical facilities, and he'll need a place to stay…"
"Of course." Ross broke in quickly, not wanting Chandler to feel like he had to go on explaining. "You don't even have to ask us that. Matthew is our nephew, and we would love to have him over. Neither of you ever need to worry about Matt being cared for, you understand?"
"We know. And you don't know how much we appreciate that." Chandler stopped, and looked at Monica, who nodded. After a moment, he went on.
"We also want to ask you something else. We know that only one of us is sick here, and we hope even that is only for a short time. But the truth is, something can happen anytime - to me, to Monica, or to both of us. I think it's safe to say that all of us realized today that everything can change in an instant. And if anything should ever happen, and Matthew is left without a parent…Monica and I have decided that we want you to take Matthew, if you will. And please, feel free to say no. You have Jackson, and we understand that taking on another child is a big responsibility. But there is no one else we would rather have raise our son - if we can't - than the two of you."
Ross glanced at Rachel, already knowing what her eyes would tell him. Without hesitation, Rachel answered for both of them. "Of course we'll take care of Matthew. Don't ever worry about that. We would be honored to consider him one of our own."
Monica breathed a sigh of relief, and left Chandler long enough to hug her brother and sister-in-law. "Thank you. You don't know how much it means to us."
After a few moments of hugging and crying, Ross stood and reached for Rachel's hand. "I'm not trying to run out on you. If you want us to stay, just say the word and we'll stay all night. But I think maybe you need some time alone to…just be together. Deal with this without us here."
Chandler nodded, knowing he was right. As much as they loved their friends and counted on them for support, there wasn't much more they could do. He and Monica had to come to terms with what was happening on their own.
"Yeah. I think you're right. But thank you so much for being here. And for…everything."
"Do you want us to take Matthew with us?" Rachel looked at Chandler for the answer. Ironically, Monica was the one that didn't seem capable of handling much at the moment.
"No…No. He'll be fine. I think I might need to just - watch him sleep for a long time tonight, you know?"
Ross nodded, kissed his sister and hugged Chandler, then went into the extra room to retrieve his sleeping son. Jackson slept peacefully, unaware of the trauma that the people in his world were experiencing. Rachel hugged each of them goodbye, then followed Ross out of the apartment. As she closed the door, she looked back to see them holding each other, shoulders shaking with sobs. She closed the door without a word, then allowed her own sobs to shake her body as Ross wrapped her in his arms and cried along with her.
Chandler wasn't sure how long they stood there crying in each other's arms. He only knew that when Monica finally pulled away from him, he felt better. It had been hard to tell Ross and Rachel. By saying the words out loud to someone else, he felt that they became true. Seeing the look on his friends' faces hit him hard. He had finally realized just what he and Monica were facing.
"Monica." He spoke softly, sensing she probably didn't want to talk yet, but also knowing they had to. "Mon, look at me, please."
She turned her face upward, reluctantly, and tried to keep the tears out of her eyes. She didn't know how he was staying so calm. She admired that about him. At least one of them was able to keep their sanity. She would have to get back to normal soon, too. Matthew would know something was wrong, and they wanted to keep him as oblivious as possible, at least for a while.
Chandler looked down at her and smiled sadly. "We've got to talk about some things. Are you ready to do that?"
Monica looked at him silently, then nodded slowly. Yes, there were things they needed to talk about. So many things. But she had the feeling the things he wanted to talk about weren't the same things she wanted to talk about. She just wanted to hold him, to tell him how much she loved him, and to talk about their future, Matthew's future, and what their lives would be like. But all that had changed. So suddenly, their dreams for their lives and for their son had been frozen in time, and they had to live out this nightmare before they could resume them.
"Yes, I'm ready." He kissed her softly, then sat down on the couch, pulling her onto his lap.
"Well, first of all, we need to call Joey and Phoebe. They need to know. Not only will we need them for support, but the wedding will be right in the middle of treatment."
"Oh, no. Do you think they'll change it?"
"I don't know. I don't want them to feel like they have to. I mean, I can't stand the thought of not being there to see my best friends get married…but I hate for them to rearrange things for my sake."
"Our sake. I won't be there either, if you aren't. You know that."
"But, Mon, you're the maid of honor."
"And you're the Best Man."
Chandler nodded, conceding the point. "I guess we should go ahead and call, huh?"
Monica nodded and glanced at her watch. "It's still early enough in L.A."
Chandler took a deep breath and dialed his best friend's number. Monica held his hand tightly, knowing this would be even harder for him than telling Ross and Rachel. They didn't turn on the speaker phone. Monica knew that Chandler wanted to tell them himself, almost privately.
"Hey, Phoebs?…Yeah, it's me. Listen, is Joey there? … Would you put him on the other phone please? We have something to tell you. … No, Monica's not pregnant again. Neither is Rachel. Please, Phoebe, just get Joey." He paused, and looked at Monica, who leaned in to kiss him softly. He tightened his grip on her hand as he heard Joey pick up the phone.
"Hey, Joe. It's me. Listen, I have something important to tell you two. It's really hard for me to say, so please, don't interrupt. I was in an accident today, and while I was at the hospital, they did a head scan to check me out. It turns out that…I have a brain tumor."
Monica squeezed Chandler's hand and they looked at each other as they waited for their friends' reactions. She was close enough to hear that silence reigned on the other end of the line. After a long moment, Joey finally spoke.
"A brain tumor? Chandler, are you serious?"
"I'm serious."
Monica could hear Phoebe start to cry, and then could hear the tears in Joey's voice as he began to talk again, some senseless babble she couldn't quite make out about how this couldn't be happening to his best friend. Chandler let him talk for a moment, then interrupted.
"Hold on, Joe. Just listen for a minute. Actually, things look pretty good…considering. Because of the accident, they caught it earlier. The doctors are studying it now, trying to decide if they can just remove it. If they can't, I'll have chemo. It's pretty simple, really." Again, Monica was amazed at how calm her husband was. She knew it had to be because Joey was losing it, and Chandler had to bring him back to the present. Chandler hit the speaker phone button, so they could both hear Joey and Phoebe.
"That simple, Chandler? C'mon, even I know enough not to believe that." He paused, then went on with a new note of fear in his voice. "How's Monica taking this?"
Monica cleared her throat and answered for herself. "I'm taking it hard, Joey, but you and I both know that no one's going to let Chandler…" She still couldn't say it. "We're gonna get him through this, right?"
"Monica, if there's anything we can do, please tell us. I know we're not there, but we'll fly in, we'll come and stay for awhile if you need us to."
"Phoebe, that's not necessary. We don't even know yet just what is going to happen. Besides, we have Ross and Rachel here. You two just concentrate on your wedding. We promise, we'll let you know if we need you to come here."
"We don't mind, Mon. You know we want to be there."
"We know you do. But the two of you have lives there that you need to attend to. Chandler and I both know that you'll be with us in your hearts."
"Always, Mon. Always." Joey's voice was as soft as she had ever heard it, and she knew he was hurting for his best friend. She loved both of them for their concern, but as much as they needed their friends, they couldn't ask Joey and Phoebe to lay aside their lives so they could come watch Chandler get better.
"Hey, guys, there's one more thing we need to talk about. Um…the wedding…Well, Chandler and I aren't sure…It might…Well…"
"Whoa, Mon. Stop. We know what you're trying to say. We understand, really. And we don't want you to worry about it."
"We might not be able to come, Joey."
"I know. And that's fine. We understand, believe me. You two just need to concentrate on getting my best friend better, okay?"
"Joe, you have no idea how bad I'll feel if I miss your day."
"I know, Chandler. But it's okay. Really."
"If we can come…you know we will if there's any way."
"We know. And, Mon, we don't expect you to come if Chandler can't. Both of us know it will be too hard for you to leave him. Maybe we'll just put the wedding off until you can both make it."
"No, Phoebe. We don't want you to do that. We know how much you've put into this wedding, and we don't want you guys to have to wait."
"Chandler, we don't mind. But if you don't want us to, we won't."
"Thanks, guys. We're so sorry to do this, but thank you so much for understanding."
"What are friends for? Now, listen, if you need us for anything, don't hesitate. We'll be on the next flight if you just say the word."
"We know. Listen, we'll talk to you guys later, okay? We need to call Chandler's mom and my parents, too."
A few minutes later, Chandler hung up the phone, having made all the necessary phone calls, glad they were out of the way. He rose wearily from the couch, and pulled Monica into his arms, holding her tightly.
"I love you, Mon. I love you so much."
She pulled back so that she could look into his blue eyes, and tried to smile. "I know you do, honey. And I love you too, so very much."
He held her for a long time, slowly rocking her back and forth. Finally, he led her into the bedroom and closed the door, turning to look at her. She sat on the bed, and looked back at him, her big blue eyes shadowed with doubt and fear. He went to her and kissed her gently on the forehead, then slowly went to the closet and removed his jacket and tie. Monica realized that he was preparing for bed and went to exchange her own clothes for a satin nightgown. Chandler gazed at her as she began brushing her hair as she always did, knowing that from now on, nothing would ever be the same. On the outside, they looked normal. They were going through their nightly routine as though nothing had changed. But it had. Their lives couldn't ever be the same again.
A few moments later, Monica slid into bed with him, and rested her head against his chest. Neither of them said anything for a long time. Chandler stroked her hair, staring at the ceiling, wondering how their story would end. With all his heart, he hoped it would be a happy ending. Even if he didn't deserve a happy ending, Monica did.
Monica was trying not to think about how it would end. Instead, she lay there, with her head on her husband's shoulder, her hand on his chest, and his soft breath against her face. She couldn't imagine any feeling in the world that was better than this. She wasn't willing to give up the security she felt at that moment. She didn't want to ever have to fall asleep without his arms around her.
"Monica?" His soft whisper startled her, and she turned her head so she could see his face. His eyes were sad, but just as filled with love as they had ever been. She raised herself up on one elbow to look at him, then leaned in to softly kiss him. When she pulled back again, he was holding her hand, caressing it gently.
"Monica, I need you. I need to…feel alive again."
She understood. She needed to make him feel alive. With a slight smile, she leaned in to kiss him again, harder. He responded eagerly, pulling her on top of him with strong arms. Monica pulled away from him for a moment, gazing down into his eyes, and tracing every feature of his face with her fingertips. Chandler closed his eyes, and concentrated on the sensation of her touch. Her fingers lingered on his lips, and he kissed them softly, opening his eyes so that he could look into hers.
"I love you, Mon. Always have. Always will."
She didn't answer out loud. He could read her response in her eyes. Instead, she leaned in to kiss him again, her arms going around him to pull him as close to her as possible.
Monica awoke a few hours later and reached for Chandler. Panic seized her when he wasn't there, until full consciousness came to her and she decided he must be in either the bathroom or the kitchen. She lay for a moment, longing for the comfort of his arms, and his kisses on her hair. Then, deciding she didn't want to wait on him to come back, she went in search of him.
She found him sitting in the dark in Matthew's room, watching his son sleep. Monica watched him from the doorway for several minutes, tears filling her eyes as she watched him. He didn't notice her until she put her arms around him and sat down in the chair with him. He glanced at her quickly, then reached a hand to take one of hers. Neither of them said anything for awhile, as they both looked at Matthew, sleeping peacefully, unaware of the presence of his parents, or the developments of the day. Monica leaned her head against her husband's, kissing him softly on the temple, and stroking his face with her free hand. After what seemed like hours, Chandler broke the silence.
"Isn't he beautiful?"
Monica nodded, brushing a kiss against Chandler's cheek. "Yeah, he's beautiful."
"It's so amazing, Monica. I thought…I really thought that I could go through life and never need anyone. I thought it might even be…better…that way. But I was so wrong." He looked at her steadily for a moment, then pulled her all the way onto his lap, wrapping his arms securely around her and kissing her on the cheek. "I can't imagine any feeling that is better than what I'm feeing right now. Holding you…and watching our son sleep with you." He leaned his head against hers with a sigh. "You know, he's the best part of me. The very best of me, put into this whole new person. And he's you…how can I help but love someone that is so much like you?" Monica smiled and touched his face gently, knowing that he had more to say.
"That's how much I love you, Monica. Matthew is how much I love you. If you ever…If you ever need to remember…If I'm not here to tell you, just look at him. He is the epitome of what you are to me. In Matthew, you and I really have become one. And every time you look at him, know - you have to know - that my love for you is never-ending. It will live forever in him. I will live forever in him. Please, Monica." His voice broke as he turned her to look at him. "Please remember. No matter what happens, remember how very, very much I love you. How much I love Matthew. Promise me…that you'll remember."
She tried to keep from sobbing as she wiped the tears from his face. She didn't want to wake Matthew. Instead, she promised him softly that she would remember. After a few moments, she rose from the chair, softly kissed Matthew's blonde head, and left the room. Chandler remained for a moment before kissing their son, and following her out of the room.
Monica was sitting on the edge of their bed, head in hands, her long, dark hair hiding her face from him. Chandler paused in the doorway to look at her, then slowly walked over to her and sat down beside her, pulling her head onto his shoulder and hugging her tightly.
"Shh…sweetie, don't cry. I didn't mean to…I just wanted…I didn't want to upset you. I just needed you to know what I see when I look at him. I need you to see it too, in case…"
Monica was sobbing openly now. It took her several minutes to get control, but she was finally able to look up at him without sobs shaking her again. "Chandler, you can't…die. You can't. I can't live without you! I just can't…"
"Monica. Mon. You can. You have to! Think about that precious little boy that is sleeping in there, unaware that his daddy is so sick. I know how you feel. If it were you, I'd…Well, I don't think I could bear it either. I can't even imagine…But Matthew is the reason. Honey, he's the best reason in the world to keep living."
"I know…"
"Besides, I have no intentions of leaving you to raise him alone. Look at me, Mon. If I have any say in it, you and I are going to live a long, blissfully happy life together with Matthew…and our other children. But we both need to face the possibility that…Life might have other plans for us."
Monica nodded her head against his shoulder, a little relieved to hear him say that he thought he could get better.
"And I promise, Mon. No matter what happens, I'll always be with you. Always. I'm right here." He paused and placed his hand over her heart. "No matter what, I'll always be in your heart."
She looked up at him and gave him a tiny smile, then reached over to lay her own hand on his chest. "And I'm right here. I'll always love you, no matter what. Always, Chandler."
He lay back down on the bed and pulled her against him. He played with her hair absentmindedly as he stroked her back and tried to relax her into sleep. Gradually, her breath slowed and her hand on his chest relaxed. Relieved that she was getting some much-needed rest, he tried to relax, too. But all he could think about was how it felt to have her sleeping in his arms. He prayed that this would all be over soon…that she would never have to fall asleep without his arms around her.
Chandler woke early the next morning. He had slept fitfully during the night, well aware that his appointment this morning was going to change his life - their lives - forever. He leaned over Monica, kissing her gently, trying to ease her into consciousness. He remembered her waking him, only yesterday, with love and happiness on her face. How things had changed in a few short hours…
After several tender kisses, her eyes fluttered open. She smiled at him, and his heart did flips, like it always did when she looked at him like that. He smiled back and kissed her again, whispering a soft "Good morning" against her hair.
Monica pulled him back under the covers, and cuddled up to him, enjoying the feel of his body against hers.
"Let's just lay here for awhile, please Chandler? I just want to feel you next to me."
Chandler was happy to oblige. He pulled her close, facing him, and she moved her right leg over his, bringing them even closer. Together, they lay there for several long minutes, their faces close enough to kiss without moving their heads. This was what she loved the best. Laying with him, looking at him, breathing with him. She stared into his eyes, and was relieved to see none of the desperation of the day before. He looked at peace. And to Chandler, Monica looked as if the day held nothing different than any other day. Her eyes were shining, telling him that she loved him. He was glad that she had ceased crying. Now, her eyes held only love and determination, not sadness. The night had been good for them.
After a few moments, Chandler stirred, knowing they had to get going, or they would be late for the appointment.
"C'mon, Mon. We have to get Matthew up and ready, then you and I have some things to get out of the way."
Monica nodded, knowing he was right. She wanted to stay there with him for longer, but she knew they couldn't avoid what the day held.
"Okay. I'll get in the shower. Do you want breakfast?"
Chandler shook his head. "Not right now. I think I'd rather…join you. That okay?"
Monica smiled and nodded. She understood. She didn't want to be separated from him either.
"You sure don't act like you're sick," Monica stated as she wrapped her robe around herself and reached for Chandler. He smiled sheepishly, kissing her cheek.
"Well…I can't help it. You're just so beautiful…" He trailed off, mesmerized by the glow in her eyes.
"Why don't you go get Matthew up and dressed, while I call Rachel and tell her we're on the way over."
"Okay." He was struck by how normal it was. With a little imagination, one could think that yesterday never happened. He only wished they could pretend…
"Matthew? Wake up, son. Time to go to Aunt Rachel's and Uncle Ross's."
Matthew woke easily, and blinked his eyes at his father, fighting off sleep.
"Hi Daddy!"
"Good morning, son. Time to get up, okay? Mommy and Daddy are going to take you to stay with Aunt Rachel for a little while today."
As always, Matthew was agreeable. Chandler dressed him quickly, then led him to the kitchen, where Monica was making eggs and toast, still clad in her bathrobe.
"Good morning, sweetheart. Do you want milk or juice?"
Matthew thought for a moment before answering that he wanted milk, and sat at the table while Chandler went to get dressed. Monica was just sitting Matthew's breakfast on the table when Chandler came back into the room, dressed in a suit as usual. He walked up to his wife, and wrapped his arms around her, breathing in the scent of her hair. She turned around and took his tie from him, looping it around his neck and tying it efficiently. He kissed her quickly on the cheek, and whispered that he loved her before turning his attention back to Matthew, who was used to such displays of affection.
"So, Matt, what will you do today with Aunt Rachel?"
"Umm…Probably go shopping if Jackson is awake. That's what Auntie Rachel always wants to do."
Chandler grinned, and reached over to ruffle his son's blondish hair.
"You're right, Matthew, that's Aunt Rachel's favorite thing isn't it?"
Matthew just nodded, his mouth too full to answer.
"Well, your mom and I will miss you today."
"I'll miss you too." So far, Matthew hadn't questioned their activities for the day. He had no reason to - He spent plenty of time with Ross and Rachel. Monica and Chandler had decided not to tell Matthew what was going on just yet. He was too young to understand, and he would just get scared.
A little while later, Chandler and Monica had left Matthew with Rachel, who smiled at them bravely and bid them a cheerful goodbye for Matthew's sake. They continued on to the hospital, where Chandler was going to have several more brain scans, and then a long talk with a team of doctors as they determined what path they should take. Chandler could sense Monica's nervousness and reached over to hold her hand as he drove. She squeezed it gratefully, knowing he was trying to give her support for what they were about to go through.
They pulled into the hospital parking lot, and sat for a minute, bracing themselves for the coming ordeal. Chandler finally looked at Monica, and leaned in for a soft kiss.
"No matter what they say in there…You and I know that they can't tell us there's no hope. There's always hope. Okay, Monica? There is hope."
She nodded silently, then kissed him one more time before they got out of the car. Chandler locked the doors, then reached for her hand as they walked toward the hospital entrance.
A few hours later, they headed for home, exhausted. The doctors had decided that an operation was the answer, but they wanted to shrink the tumor with two weeks of chemotherapy first. That would reduce the probability of complications during surgery - such as attachment to nerves or blood vessels. Depending on the outcome of the surgery, that could be the end. If there was concern following the operation, he would have a few more weeks of chemotherapy, hopefully wiping out any chance of a relapse. Because of the dosage they were going to give Chandler, they had asked him to stay in the hospital the entire time he was being treated, instead of receiving the treatments and going home. Chandler and Monica had absorbed it all, not really knowing what it meant except that the doctors thought they could beat it. They both knew that the coming weeks of chemo were going to be rough on both of them, especially Chandler. The fact that they had wanted to keep Chandler in the hospital said it all. However, they were just relieved that their hopes had been strengthened, not destroyed, by the prognosis.
They called Rachel from the car, and asked her to bring Matthew home for them. She was anxious for news, and Chandler told her simply that things looked good. He would tell her more when she brought Matthew home. Right then, all he wanted was to be in his own house, with his wife and son. This would be his last night there for a while. He would be going to the hospital tomorrow to start his chemotherapy prior to surgery. After that, there would be surgery, and a recovery period as they monitored him for a relapse. Everything seemed to be moving so fast, but the doctors had wanted him to check in as soon as possible. He didn't complain. The sooner it started, the sooner this nightmare would be over.
Chandler closed the book he was reading to Matthew and leaned to kiss his sleeping son as the forehead as he pulled the blankets closer to his chin.
"Goodnight, Matthew. Daddy loves you…so much." He kissed him again, and retreated to the chair he and Monica had shared the night before. He stayed there for a few minutes, wondering how Matthew was going to cope with having an absentee father for a while. He and Monica had tried to explain it to Matthew, but he had just responded with confused looks and questions. Finally, Chandler had kissed him and told him that no matter where Daddy was, he would be thinking about him and loving him. They hoped Matt would understand better after he had visited Chandler in the hospital.
Chandler exited the room, and walked slowly into his own bedroom. Monica, who had her back to him, was lighting several candles around the room. Chandler smiled, and crossed to her, taking her into his arms and kissing her cheek.
"I love you, Monica."
She turned, and he could see that she was trying to hide her tears. She had wanted more time to prepare for his leaving, but tonight was all they had.
"I love you, too." She kissed him passionately, then pulled away from him in spite of his efforts to hold her there. She walked to the small stereo system in their room, and hit a button. She came back to him and wrapped her arms around him as he recognized the song.
"Dance with me. And listen to the words, 'cause this is exactly what I want to tell you tonight."
He obliged, pulling her close and leaning his forehead against hers as they both closed their eyes. This song had been their first dance as man and wife. As the song played, Monica started whispering the words to him, and after the first verse, he whispered them along with her, knowing that the words held their promises to each other.
Lying here with you, listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments I know Heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you, here with me…
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me…
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more…
And I could not ask for more…
Chandler smiled as they whispered the last lines to each other. He kissed her gently, then rested his forehead against hers once again.
"I don't think I've ever loved you more than I do right now…" His soft voice was almost too loud for the moment, but he didn't care. "I love you more each second I'm with you, Monica."
"Me too." She was unwilling to leave his arms for even a second. All too soon, he would be spending his days in a cold hospital room. "I can't stand the thought of falling asleep without you, baby. I want you to hold me every second tonight, to make up for the nights that you won't sleep in this room with me."
"There's nothing else I would rather do, sweetheart." He leaned down to kiss her, then lifted her into his arms and laid her gently on the bed. As they continued to kiss, he knew the words of the song were right. Even if he died tomorrow, it was worth it. He had all he'd waited for…and he could not ask for more.
They didn't sleep that night. They alternated between making love and lying in each other's arms, whispering words of love to each other, trying to convince themselves that this wouldn't be the last night they spent at home together. When morning came, they showered together and helped each other get dressed. Matthew was wakened, dressed, and given breakfast. He was going to come to the hospital when Chandler checked in, in hopes that it would give him some understanding of where his father was. Ross and Rachel had agreed to pick him up later, to give Monica and Chandler some time alone. Monica would pick up Matthew and return home in time to tuck him into his own bed. They had agreed that at least the first few nights, she needed to stay at home with their son. They didn't want him to lose two parents at once, though both of them knew that the nights apart would be difficult.
Matthew asked lots of questions while they were at the hospital, but finally settled down, and was almost somber. Chandler and Monica realized that he was probably grasping the situation, as much as an almost-three-year-old could. When Ross and Rachel arrived to pick him up, Chandler couldn't keep the tears from falling. He hugged Matthew tightly, and told him over and over how much he loved him. Matthew, who had been told that his father would come home soon, was unable to understand why Chandler was crying, but willingly hugged him back, telling him that he loved him too. Monica choked back her own tears and kissed her son, too, sending him with Rachel. She was alone with Chandler, something she had both looked forward to and dreaded all day. Chandler smiled at her, then patted the bed beside him.
"Come join me, sweetie." She glanced at him and then climbed apprehensively into the bed with him.
"Sure this is allowed?"
"Who cares?" He pulled her close to him, and she sighed as she laid her head against his chest, where she could hear his heart beating.
"I love you, Chandler."
"I know." He kissed her softly. "And I know that you know how much I love you. And I do. More than I can ever tell you, Mon."
"It's funny…Right now, I can't remember a time when I didn't love you. Or any time in our marriage when I wasn't completely happy and at peace."
"I feel the same way. I mean, I know we've had our moments. But compared to the love and happiness I've had with you, everything else is trivial."
"It's going to be so hard to fall asleep tonight without you."
"I know." He pulled her closer. "It's going to be hard for me too."
"I can't believe this is happening. But, at the same time, I just want it to be over so I can have my husband back."
"I want you to have your husband back too."
Monica turned her head so she could kiss him lightly on the lips, then settled back into his arms.
Chandler woke up, realizing immediately that they had inadvertently fallen asleep in each other's arms. He glanced at the clock, and realized that Monica would have to leave soon in order to pick up Matthew and get him ready for bed. He lay there and looked at her for a few moments, wondering why he had been so blessed. Her beautiful face was peaceful as she laid there, her fingers intertwined with his, her hair scattered across his chest. He wanted to just watch her sleep forever, but he knew she needed to go. He brushed her lips with his fingers, then kissed her gently. She woke immediately.
"Chandler, where.." She looked around her, noting her surroundings, and sank back down against him.
"Sweetie, I would love to keep you here all night, but it's about time to pick up Matthew. I'm sure he's been asking Rachel where you are for hours."
Monica sighed, knowing he was right, but still unwilling to leave Chandler's side. She slowly got out of the bed, and leaned back over to kiss him, trying to keep from crying.
"Good night, sweetheart. I'll be back to visit you tomorrow as soon as I can, okay?"
"Okay. Mon…I love you."
"I love you."
She kissed him again, lingering there with her lips against his, then sighed and reluctantly pulled away. She looked back at him one last time before she left the room, and he gave her a smile. She smiled back, then left him alone.
Chandler watched her go, trying to keep control of himself. Then he picked up the phone. He hoped he could keep the tears out of his voice long enough to leave her a message.
Disclaimer: Still don't own them. Song Lyrics are from Edwin McCain's "I Could Not Ask For More".
"Monica? Mon…Sweetie, wake up." She turned her head toward the sound of her voice, and spoke without opening her eyes.
"Chandler…I just had the most horrible dream." She reached a hand towards him, slowly waking up. "You were in an accident."
"Monica, it wasn't a dream." The stoic sound of his voice jerked her all the way awake, and she realized with horror that she was lying in a hospital bed with him. Sitting straight up, she stared at him, reading the truth in his face. "It wasn't a dream, Monica. This is really happening."
She just stared at him in disbelief. "It can't be, Chandler. It can't be happening to us."
"It is, Mon. It is." His voice sounded resigned. The note of despair in his voice wakened her fighting nature.
"No, it's not. We're not going to let it happen. You hear me, Chandler? It's not going to happen to us. You - we - are going to beat this. You are not going to -" She stopped, unable to say that last word. First the first time, she realized exactly what could happen. "No. I won't let you."
He was crying. Her strong, confident, loving husband had tears streaming down his face. She kissed them away from his face, and pulled his head down onto her chest, holding him as he had so often held her. "Shhh. Chandler, sweetie, please don't. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay."
"I don't know what to do, Monica. What about Matthew? What about you? What will you do if something happens to me?"
"Nothing's going to happen, sweetie. You're the one that has always said that our love is so strong that it can overcome anything. I'm gonna love you through this. I'm going to love you so much you won't have any choice but to get rid of this…thing…that's come into our lives all of the sudden. And didn't you hear the doctor? It's in the early stages. The accident was the best thing that could have happened. You'll probably just have a simple operation and this will be all over."
She knew it wasn't true. Even if the operation was successful, he would still have to go through chemotherapy, just to be sure. But they'd deal with that then.
She could feel his head nodding against her. She pulled back so that she could look into his eyes, trying to tell him that she would love him, that she'd give him strength when his was gone. And she could read the fear in his, and then, slowly, the determination that he would beat it. She smiled when she saw the desperation fade, and stroked his cheek with one hand.
"I love you, Chandler Bing. And I've got no intention of going through my life without you. Not if I can help it."
Rachel was sitting on the couch with Matthew, reading to him, when Chandler and Monica got home. At the sound of the door, they both turned, and Matthew jumped up and ran straight into his father's arms.
"Daddy!"
"Hey Matt. How's my boy?"
"I'm fine. Are you okay? Auntie Rachel said you had an accident."
Chandler leaned his head against his son's and held him tightly.
"I did have an accident, sweetie. But Daddy's home now. You don't need to worry, okay?"
"Okay. Do you want to see my picture?"
Monica broke in, brushing Matthew's hair out of his face as she spoke.
"Daddy and I would love to see your picture, sweetie, but then it will be time for bed, okay?"
He didn't argue as she expected, but jumped down from Chandler's arms and went to get the picture. After his parents had oohed and ahhed sufficiently over the unrecognizable picture of "Central Park", Matthew was changed into pajamas and put to bed. They stifled his complaints of "no story" by telling him that Aunt Rachel had just read to him. Finally, he was content to settle down and sleep, even though it was much earlier than his usual bedtime. As soon as Chandler and Monica walked back into the living room, Rachel wanted to know what was going on.
"Why did you come in here with those long faces? Matthew's been scared to death all afternoon. I thought you'd be all cheerful, trying to convince him nothing was wrong. God, you two scared me."
"Rachel." Monica's somber voice stopped Rachel's tirade, and she looked at her, surprised. "Call Ross. We need to talk to both of you."
"He's…on the way. I asked him to come get Jackson in case it took you guys a while to get here. What in the world is wrong? Chandler, you weren't hurt in the wreck were you?"
"Not exactly." Before Rachel could question them further, there was a brief knock and Ross walked in.
"Hey! You guys are back. You okay, Chandler? I hear you gave Mon a scare."
"Sit down, Ross. We need to talk to you." Ross looked at his sister's serious face and froze.
"Oh God. What is it?"
"Just…sit down." Ross sat down next to his wife and put an arm around her shoulders. Both of them stared back at Chandler and Monica, anxiety on their faces.
Monica put her arms around Chandler's waist, and willed him strength to tell their best friends the truth. He squeezed her arms, and she knew that he felt her support. Monica began to speak, not knowing if Chandler would be able to get the words out. She wasn't all that sure she could, even if it was Ross and Rachel.
"Well, today, while Chandler was in the hospital, they did a CAT scan. Just to make sure the concussion wasn't too serious. And it wasn't…but there was something else. The doctors said…The doctors said..." She couldn't say the words. She broke down crying, and buried her face in Chandler's shoulder. Chandler wanted to hold her, hug her, and kiss her until she regained control, but he knew that Ross and Rachel were growing more frightened by the minute. He had to tell them. He couldn't prolong their anxiety.
"I have a brain tumor." He couldn't wait for the shock to register on their faces. He didn't want to see the fear in their eyes, because that would mean he would have to face his own fear. And he had to stay strong. "I have a brain tumor. It's actually not too bad - yet. It will get worse of course. But, luckily, the accident helped them catch it before it got much further. If I hadn't been in the car accident, the doctor said I might not have shown symptoms for…months. They're going to see if it's operable. If it is, they'll cut it out. I'll have some chemo and hopefully that will be the end of it. If it's not operable, then I'll have extensive chemo. Months of it. I'll be in and out of the hospital, getting treatments for weeks…" His voice trailed off as he finally looked up at his friends, who weren't listening to his recitation anyway. Ross was staring at them, speechless, and Rachel was sitting still, hands over her face, tears running down her face. Chandler turned his attention to Monica, who was still crying against his shirt. He stroked her hair, trying to hold his own tears in check, hoping she would calm down. He didn't want to take the chance of Matthew hearing his mother crying and alarming him.
"Please…say something." Chandler's pleading tone was not something they were used to hearing. Ross and Rachel looked up at him, and Monica lifted her head to look at Ross and Rachel expectantly. Ross reached for Rachel's hand, and then spoke falteringly.
"I don't…What is there to say? This is terrible; it can't be happening…You guys already know that. I guess the only thing that Rachel and I can say is 'What can we do?' Please, tell us anything that we can do to help you. We'll do anything." Rachel nodded in agreement, her eyes on Monica. Chandler was amazingly in control. She didn't know how he was doing it. But Monica… Rachel couldn't help wondering what Monica would do if…
"Well, there is something else that we would like to discuss with you." Chandler's voice was back to normal. He led Monica over to the armchair, and pulled her onto his lap, holding her tightly. He knew that this was hard for her. Harder in many ways than it was for him. He could fight. He was the one suffering. She just had to stand by and watch. He knew he would much rather endure the pain and misery than to have to watch her go through it.
"Monica and I talked about some things before we left the hospital. The most important thing was Matthew, of course. If this turns into a long ordeal, and we have to deal with the fact that there is a good possibility it will, then there are going to be lots of times when I won't be here…for days on end. And Monica will be with me at the hospital." Chandler stopped and tried to force a smile. "All of us know that not even Matthew will be able to keep her here for long when I'm there. Anyway, we wanted to ask you if you would kind of take care of him, while we're away. We might even be taking some trips to other medical facilities, and he'll need a place to stay…"
"Of course." Ross broke in quickly, not wanting Chandler to feel like he had to go on explaining. "You don't even have to ask us that. Matthew is our nephew, and we would love to have him over. Neither of you ever need to worry about Matt being cared for, you understand?"
"We know. And you don't know how much we appreciate that." Chandler stopped, and looked at Monica, who nodded. After a moment, he went on.
"We also want to ask you something else. We know that only one of us is sick here, and we hope even that is only for a short time. But the truth is, something can happen anytime - to me, to Monica, or to both of us. I think it's safe to say that all of us realized today that everything can change in an instant. And if anything should ever happen, and Matthew is left without a parent…Monica and I have decided that we want you to take Matthew, if you will. And please, feel free to say no. You have Jackson, and we understand that taking on another child is a big responsibility. But there is no one else we would rather have raise our son - if we can't - than the two of you."
Ross glanced at Rachel, already knowing what her eyes would tell him. Without hesitation, Rachel answered for both of them. "Of course we'll take care of Matthew. Don't ever worry about that. We would be honored to consider him one of our own."
Monica breathed a sigh of relief, and left Chandler long enough to hug her brother and sister-in-law. "Thank you. You don't know how much it means to us."
After a few moments of hugging and crying, Ross stood and reached for Rachel's hand. "I'm not trying to run out on you. If you want us to stay, just say the word and we'll stay all night. But I think maybe you need some time alone to…just be together. Deal with this without us here."
Chandler nodded, knowing he was right. As much as they loved their friends and counted on them for support, there wasn't much more they could do. He and Monica had to come to terms with what was happening on their own.
"Yeah. I think you're right. But thank you so much for being here. And for…everything."
"Do you want us to take Matthew with us?" Rachel looked at Chandler for the answer. Ironically, Monica was the one that didn't seem capable of handling much at the moment.
"No…No. He'll be fine. I think I might need to just - watch him sleep for a long time tonight, you know?"
Ross nodded, kissed his sister and hugged Chandler, then went into the extra room to retrieve his sleeping son. Jackson slept peacefully, unaware of the trauma that the people in his world were experiencing. Rachel hugged each of them goodbye, then followed Ross out of the apartment. As she closed the door, she looked back to see them holding each other, shoulders shaking with sobs. She closed the door without a word, then allowed her own sobs to shake her body as Ross wrapped her in his arms and cried along with her.
Chandler wasn't sure how long they stood there crying in each other's arms. He only knew that when Monica finally pulled away from him, he felt better. It had been hard to tell Ross and Rachel. By saying the words out loud to someone else, he felt that they became true. Seeing the look on his friends' faces hit him hard. He had finally realized just what he and Monica were facing.
"Monica." He spoke softly, sensing she probably didn't want to talk yet, but also knowing they had to. "Mon, look at me, please."
She turned her face upward, reluctantly, and tried to keep the tears out of her eyes. She didn't know how he was staying so calm. She admired that about him. At least one of them was able to keep their sanity. She would have to get back to normal soon, too. Matthew would know something was wrong, and they wanted to keep him as oblivious as possible, at least for a while.
Chandler looked down at her and smiled sadly. "We've got to talk about some things. Are you ready to do that?"
Monica looked at him silently, then nodded slowly. Yes, there were things they needed to talk about. So many things. But she had the feeling the things he wanted to talk about weren't the same things she wanted to talk about. She just wanted to hold him, to tell him how much she loved him, and to talk about their future, Matthew's future, and what their lives would be like. But all that had changed. So suddenly, their dreams for their lives and for their son had been frozen in time, and they had to live out this nightmare before they could resume them.
"Yes, I'm ready." He kissed her softly, then sat down on the couch, pulling her onto his lap.
"Well, first of all, we need to call Joey and Phoebe. They need to know. Not only will we need them for support, but the wedding will be right in the middle of treatment."
"Oh, no. Do you think they'll change it?"
"I don't know. I don't want them to feel like they have to. I mean, I can't stand the thought of not being there to see my best friends get married…but I hate for them to rearrange things for my sake."
"Our sake. I won't be there either, if you aren't. You know that."
"But, Mon, you're the maid of honor."
"And you're the Best Man."
Chandler nodded, conceding the point. "I guess we should go ahead and call, huh?"
Monica nodded and glanced at her watch. "It's still early enough in L.A."
Chandler took a deep breath and dialed his best friend's number. Monica held his hand tightly, knowing this would be even harder for him than telling Ross and Rachel. They didn't turn on the speaker phone. Monica knew that Chandler wanted to tell them himself, almost privately.
"Hey, Phoebs?…Yeah, it's me. Listen, is Joey there? … Would you put him on the other phone please? We have something to tell you. … No, Monica's not pregnant again. Neither is Rachel. Please, Phoebe, just get Joey." He paused, and looked at Monica, who leaned in to kiss him softly. He tightened his grip on her hand as he heard Joey pick up the phone.
"Hey, Joe. It's me. Listen, I have something important to tell you two. It's really hard for me to say, so please, don't interrupt. I was in an accident today, and while I was at the hospital, they did a head scan to check me out. It turns out that…I have a brain tumor."
Monica squeezed Chandler's hand and they looked at each other as they waited for their friends' reactions. She was close enough to hear that silence reigned on the other end of the line. After a long moment, Joey finally spoke.
"A brain tumor? Chandler, are you serious?"
"I'm serious."
Monica could hear Phoebe start to cry, and then could hear the tears in Joey's voice as he began to talk again, some senseless babble she couldn't quite make out about how this couldn't be happening to his best friend. Chandler let him talk for a moment, then interrupted.
"Hold on, Joe. Just listen for a minute. Actually, things look pretty good…considering. Because of the accident, they caught it earlier. The doctors are studying it now, trying to decide if they can just remove it. If they can't, I'll have chemo. It's pretty simple, really." Again, Monica was amazed at how calm her husband was. She knew it had to be because Joey was losing it, and Chandler had to bring him back to the present. Chandler hit the speaker phone button, so they could both hear Joey and Phoebe.
"That simple, Chandler? C'mon, even I know enough not to believe that." He paused, then went on with a new note of fear in his voice. "How's Monica taking this?"
Monica cleared her throat and answered for herself. "I'm taking it hard, Joey, but you and I both know that no one's going to let Chandler…" She still couldn't say it. "We're gonna get him through this, right?"
"Monica, if there's anything we can do, please tell us. I know we're not there, but we'll fly in, we'll come and stay for awhile if you need us to."
"Phoebe, that's not necessary. We don't even know yet just what is going to happen. Besides, we have Ross and Rachel here. You two just concentrate on your wedding. We promise, we'll let you know if we need you to come here."
"We don't mind, Mon. You know we want to be there."
"We know you do. But the two of you have lives there that you need to attend to. Chandler and I both know that you'll be with us in your hearts."
"Always, Mon. Always." Joey's voice was as soft as she had ever heard it, and she knew he was hurting for his best friend. She loved both of them for their concern, but as much as they needed their friends, they couldn't ask Joey and Phoebe to lay aside their lives so they could come watch Chandler get better.
"Hey, guys, there's one more thing we need to talk about. Um…the wedding…Well, Chandler and I aren't sure…It might…Well…"
"Whoa, Mon. Stop. We know what you're trying to say. We understand, really. And we don't want you to worry about it."
"We might not be able to come, Joey."
"I know. And that's fine. We understand, believe me. You two just need to concentrate on getting my best friend better, okay?"
"Joe, you have no idea how bad I'll feel if I miss your day."
"I know, Chandler. But it's okay. Really."
"If we can come…you know we will if there's any way."
"We know. And, Mon, we don't expect you to come if Chandler can't. Both of us know it will be too hard for you to leave him. Maybe we'll just put the wedding off until you can both make it."
"No, Phoebe. We don't want you to do that. We know how much you've put into this wedding, and we don't want you guys to have to wait."
"Chandler, we don't mind. But if you don't want us to, we won't."
"Thanks, guys. We're so sorry to do this, but thank you so much for understanding."
"What are friends for? Now, listen, if you need us for anything, don't hesitate. We'll be on the next flight if you just say the word."
"We know. Listen, we'll talk to you guys later, okay? We need to call Chandler's mom and my parents, too."
A few minutes later, Chandler hung up the phone, having made all the necessary phone calls, glad they were out of the way. He rose wearily from the couch, and pulled Monica into his arms, holding her tightly.
"I love you, Mon. I love you so much."
She pulled back so that she could look into his blue eyes, and tried to smile. "I know you do, honey. And I love you too, so very much."
He held her for a long time, slowly rocking her back and forth. Finally, he led her into the bedroom and closed the door, turning to look at her. She sat on the bed, and looked back at him, her big blue eyes shadowed with doubt and fear. He went to her and kissed her gently on the forehead, then slowly went to the closet and removed his jacket and tie. Monica realized that he was preparing for bed and went to exchange her own clothes for a satin nightgown. Chandler gazed at her as she began brushing her hair as she always did, knowing that from now on, nothing would ever be the same. On the outside, they looked normal. They were going through their nightly routine as though nothing had changed. But it had. Their lives couldn't ever be the same again.
A few moments later, Monica slid into bed with him, and rested her head against his chest. Neither of them said anything for a long time. Chandler stroked her hair, staring at the ceiling, wondering how their story would end. With all his heart, he hoped it would be a happy ending. Even if he didn't deserve a happy ending, Monica did.
Monica was trying not to think about how it would end. Instead, she lay there, with her head on her husband's shoulder, her hand on his chest, and his soft breath against her face. She couldn't imagine any feeling in the world that was better than this. She wasn't willing to give up the security she felt at that moment. She didn't want to ever have to fall asleep without his arms around her.
"Monica?" His soft whisper startled her, and she turned her head so she could see his face. His eyes were sad, but just as filled with love as they had ever been. She raised herself up on one elbow to look at him, then leaned in to softly kiss him. When she pulled back again, he was holding her hand, caressing it gently.
"Monica, I need you. I need to…feel alive again."
She understood. She needed to make him feel alive. With a slight smile, she leaned in to kiss him again, harder. He responded eagerly, pulling her on top of him with strong arms. Monica pulled away from him for a moment, gazing down into his eyes, and tracing every feature of his face with her fingertips. Chandler closed his eyes, and concentrated on the sensation of her touch. Her fingers lingered on his lips, and he kissed them softly, opening his eyes so that he could look into hers.
"I love you, Mon. Always have. Always will."
She didn't answer out loud. He could read her response in her eyes. Instead, she leaned in to kiss him again, her arms going around him to pull him as close to her as possible.
Monica awoke a few hours later and reached for Chandler. Panic seized her when he wasn't there, until full consciousness came to her and she decided he must be in either the bathroom or the kitchen. She lay for a moment, longing for the comfort of his arms, and his kisses on her hair. Then, deciding she didn't want to wait on him to come back, she went in search of him.
She found him sitting in the dark in Matthew's room, watching his son sleep. Monica watched him from the doorway for several minutes, tears filling her eyes as she watched him. He didn't notice her until she put her arms around him and sat down in the chair with him. He glanced at her quickly, then reached a hand to take one of hers. Neither of them said anything for awhile, as they both looked at Matthew, sleeping peacefully, unaware of the presence of his parents, or the developments of the day. Monica leaned her head against her husband's, kissing him softly on the temple, and stroking his face with her free hand. After what seemed like hours, Chandler broke the silence.
"Isn't he beautiful?"
Monica nodded, brushing a kiss against Chandler's cheek. "Yeah, he's beautiful."
"It's so amazing, Monica. I thought…I really thought that I could go through life and never need anyone. I thought it might even be…better…that way. But I was so wrong." He looked at her steadily for a moment, then pulled her all the way onto his lap, wrapping his arms securely around her and kissing her on the cheek. "I can't imagine any feeling that is better than what I'm feeing right now. Holding you…and watching our son sleep with you." He leaned his head against hers with a sigh. "You know, he's the best part of me. The very best of me, put into this whole new person. And he's you…how can I help but love someone that is so much like you?" Monica smiled and touched his face gently, knowing that he had more to say.
"That's how much I love you, Monica. Matthew is how much I love you. If you ever…If you ever need to remember…If I'm not here to tell you, just look at him. He is the epitome of what you are to me. In Matthew, you and I really have become one. And every time you look at him, know - you have to know - that my love for you is never-ending. It will live forever in him. I will live forever in him. Please, Monica." His voice broke as he turned her to look at him. "Please remember. No matter what happens, remember how very, very much I love you. How much I love Matthew. Promise me…that you'll remember."
She tried to keep from sobbing as she wiped the tears from his face. She didn't want to wake Matthew. Instead, she promised him softly that she would remember. After a few moments, she rose from the chair, softly kissed Matthew's blonde head, and left the room. Chandler remained for a moment before kissing their son, and following her out of the room.
Monica was sitting on the edge of their bed, head in hands, her long, dark hair hiding her face from him. Chandler paused in the doorway to look at her, then slowly walked over to her and sat down beside her, pulling her head onto his shoulder and hugging her tightly.
"Shh…sweetie, don't cry. I didn't mean to…I just wanted…I didn't want to upset you. I just needed you to know what I see when I look at him. I need you to see it too, in case…"
Monica was sobbing openly now. It took her several minutes to get control, but she was finally able to look up at him without sobs shaking her again. "Chandler, you can't…die. You can't. I can't live without you! I just can't…"
"Monica. Mon. You can. You have to! Think about that precious little boy that is sleeping in there, unaware that his daddy is so sick. I know how you feel. If it were you, I'd…Well, I don't think I could bear it either. I can't even imagine…But Matthew is the reason. Honey, he's the best reason in the world to keep living."
"I know…"
"Besides, I have no intentions of leaving you to raise him alone. Look at me, Mon. If I have any say in it, you and I are going to live a long, blissfully happy life together with Matthew…and our other children. But we both need to face the possibility that…Life might have other plans for us."
Monica nodded her head against his shoulder, a little relieved to hear him say that he thought he could get better.
"And I promise, Mon. No matter what happens, I'll always be with you. Always. I'm right here." He paused and placed his hand over her heart. "No matter what, I'll always be in your heart."
She looked up at him and gave him a tiny smile, then reached over to lay her own hand on his chest. "And I'm right here. I'll always love you, no matter what. Always, Chandler."
He lay back down on the bed and pulled her against him. He played with her hair absentmindedly as he stroked her back and tried to relax her into sleep. Gradually, her breath slowed and her hand on his chest relaxed. Relieved that she was getting some much-needed rest, he tried to relax, too. But all he could think about was how it felt to have her sleeping in his arms. He prayed that this would all be over soon…that she would never have to fall asleep without his arms around her.
Chandler woke early the next morning. He had slept fitfully during the night, well aware that his appointment this morning was going to change his life - their lives - forever. He leaned over Monica, kissing her gently, trying to ease her into consciousness. He remembered her waking him, only yesterday, with love and happiness on her face. How things had changed in a few short hours…
After several tender kisses, her eyes fluttered open. She smiled at him, and his heart did flips, like it always did when she looked at him like that. He smiled back and kissed her again, whispering a soft "Good morning" against her hair.
Monica pulled him back under the covers, and cuddled up to him, enjoying the feel of his body against hers.
"Let's just lay here for awhile, please Chandler? I just want to feel you next to me."
Chandler was happy to oblige. He pulled her close, facing him, and she moved her right leg over his, bringing them even closer. Together, they lay there for several long minutes, their faces close enough to kiss without moving their heads. This was what she loved the best. Laying with him, looking at him, breathing with him. She stared into his eyes, and was relieved to see none of the desperation of the day before. He looked at peace. And to Chandler, Monica looked as if the day held nothing different than any other day. Her eyes were shining, telling him that she loved him. He was glad that she had ceased crying. Now, her eyes held only love and determination, not sadness. The night had been good for them.
After a few moments, Chandler stirred, knowing they had to get going, or they would be late for the appointment.
"C'mon, Mon. We have to get Matthew up and ready, then you and I have some things to get out of the way."
Monica nodded, knowing he was right. She wanted to stay there with him for longer, but she knew they couldn't avoid what the day held.
"Okay. I'll get in the shower. Do you want breakfast?"
Chandler shook his head. "Not right now. I think I'd rather…join you. That okay?"
Monica smiled and nodded. She understood. She didn't want to be separated from him either.
"You sure don't act like you're sick," Monica stated as she wrapped her robe around herself and reached for Chandler. He smiled sheepishly, kissing her cheek.
"Well…I can't help it. You're just so beautiful…" He trailed off, mesmerized by the glow in her eyes.
"Why don't you go get Matthew up and dressed, while I call Rachel and tell her we're on the way over."
"Okay." He was struck by how normal it was. With a little imagination, one could think that yesterday never happened. He only wished they could pretend…
"Matthew? Wake up, son. Time to go to Aunt Rachel's and Uncle Ross's."
Matthew woke easily, and blinked his eyes at his father, fighting off sleep.
"Hi Daddy!"
"Good morning, son. Time to get up, okay? Mommy and Daddy are going to take you to stay with Aunt Rachel for a little while today."
As always, Matthew was agreeable. Chandler dressed him quickly, then led him to the kitchen, where Monica was making eggs and toast, still clad in her bathrobe.
"Good morning, sweetheart. Do you want milk or juice?"
Matthew thought for a moment before answering that he wanted milk, and sat at the table while Chandler went to get dressed. Monica was just sitting Matthew's breakfast on the table when Chandler came back into the room, dressed in a suit as usual. He walked up to his wife, and wrapped his arms around her, breathing in the scent of her hair. She turned around and took his tie from him, looping it around his neck and tying it efficiently. He kissed her quickly on the cheek, and whispered that he loved her before turning his attention back to Matthew, who was used to such displays of affection.
"So, Matt, what will you do today with Aunt Rachel?"
"Umm…Probably go shopping if Jackson is awake. That's what Auntie Rachel always wants to do."
Chandler grinned, and reached over to ruffle his son's blondish hair.
"You're right, Matthew, that's Aunt Rachel's favorite thing isn't it?"
Matthew just nodded, his mouth too full to answer.
"Well, your mom and I will miss you today."
"I'll miss you too." So far, Matthew hadn't questioned their activities for the day. He had no reason to - He spent plenty of time with Ross and Rachel. Monica and Chandler had decided not to tell Matthew what was going on just yet. He was too young to understand, and he would just get scared.
A little while later, Chandler and Monica had left Matthew with Rachel, who smiled at them bravely and bid them a cheerful goodbye for Matthew's sake. They continued on to the hospital, where Chandler was going to have several more brain scans, and then a long talk with a team of doctors as they determined what path they should take. Chandler could sense Monica's nervousness and reached over to hold her hand as he drove. She squeezed it gratefully, knowing he was trying to give her support for what they were about to go through.
They pulled into the hospital parking lot, and sat for a minute, bracing themselves for the coming ordeal. Chandler finally looked at Monica, and leaned in for a soft kiss.
"No matter what they say in there…You and I know that they can't tell us there's no hope. There's always hope. Okay, Monica? There is hope."
She nodded silently, then kissed him one more time before they got out of the car. Chandler locked the doors, then reached for her hand as they walked toward the hospital entrance.
A few hours later, they headed for home, exhausted. The doctors had decided that an operation was the answer, but they wanted to shrink the tumor with two weeks of chemotherapy first. That would reduce the probability of complications during surgery - such as attachment to nerves or blood vessels. Depending on the outcome of the surgery, that could be the end. If there was concern following the operation, he would have a few more weeks of chemotherapy, hopefully wiping out any chance of a relapse. Because of the dosage they were going to give Chandler, they had asked him to stay in the hospital the entire time he was being treated, instead of receiving the treatments and going home. Chandler and Monica had absorbed it all, not really knowing what it meant except that the doctors thought they could beat it. They both knew that the coming weeks of chemo were going to be rough on both of them, especially Chandler. The fact that they had wanted to keep Chandler in the hospital said it all. However, they were just relieved that their hopes had been strengthened, not destroyed, by the prognosis.
They called Rachel from the car, and asked her to bring Matthew home for them. She was anxious for news, and Chandler told her simply that things looked good. He would tell her more when she brought Matthew home. Right then, all he wanted was to be in his own house, with his wife and son. This would be his last night there for a while. He would be going to the hospital tomorrow to start his chemotherapy prior to surgery. After that, there would be surgery, and a recovery period as they monitored him for a relapse. Everything seemed to be moving so fast, but the doctors had wanted him to check in as soon as possible. He didn't complain. The sooner it started, the sooner this nightmare would be over.
Chandler closed the book he was reading to Matthew and leaned to kiss his sleeping son as the forehead as he pulled the blankets closer to his chin.
"Goodnight, Matthew. Daddy loves you…so much." He kissed him again, and retreated to the chair he and Monica had shared the night before. He stayed there for a few minutes, wondering how Matthew was going to cope with having an absentee father for a while. He and Monica had tried to explain it to Matthew, but he had just responded with confused looks and questions. Finally, Chandler had kissed him and told him that no matter where Daddy was, he would be thinking about him and loving him. They hoped Matt would understand better after he had visited Chandler in the hospital.
Chandler exited the room, and walked slowly into his own bedroom. Monica, who had her back to him, was lighting several candles around the room. Chandler smiled, and crossed to her, taking her into his arms and kissing her cheek.
"I love you, Monica."
She turned, and he could see that she was trying to hide her tears. She had wanted more time to prepare for his leaving, but tonight was all they had.
"I love you, too." She kissed him passionately, then pulled away from him in spite of his efforts to hold her there. She walked to the small stereo system in their room, and hit a button. She came back to him and wrapped her arms around him as he recognized the song.
"Dance with me. And listen to the words, 'cause this is exactly what I want to tell you tonight."
He obliged, pulling her close and leaning his forehead against hers as they both closed their eyes. This song had been their first dance as man and wife. As the song played, Monica started whispering the words to him, and after the first verse, he whispered them along with her, knowing that the words held their promises to each other.
Lying here with you, listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments I know Heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you, here with me…
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me…
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more…
And I could not ask for more…
Chandler smiled as they whispered the last lines to each other. He kissed her gently, then rested his forehead against hers once again.
"I don't think I've ever loved you more than I do right now…" His soft voice was almost too loud for the moment, but he didn't care. "I love you more each second I'm with you, Monica."
"Me too." She was unwilling to leave his arms for even a second. All too soon, he would be spending his days in a cold hospital room. "I can't stand the thought of falling asleep without you, baby. I want you to hold me every second tonight, to make up for the nights that you won't sleep in this room with me."
"There's nothing else I would rather do, sweetheart." He leaned down to kiss her, then lifted her into his arms and laid her gently on the bed. As they continued to kiss, he knew the words of the song were right. Even if he died tomorrow, it was worth it. He had all he'd waited for…and he could not ask for more.
They didn't sleep that night. They alternated between making love and lying in each other's arms, whispering words of love to each other, trying to convince themselves that this wouldn't be the last night they spent at home together. When morning came, they showered together and helped each other get dressed. Matthew was wakened, dressed, and given breakfast. He was going to come to the hospital when Chandler checked in, in hopes that it would give him some understanding of where his father was. Ross and Rachel had agreed to pick him up later, to give Monica and Chandler some time alone. Monica would pick up Matthew and return home in time to tuck him into his own bed. They had agreed that at least the first few nights, she needed to stay at home with their son. They didn't want him to lose two parents at once, though both of them knew that the nights apart would be difficult.
Matthew asked lots of questions while they were at the hospital, but finally settled down, and was almost somber. Chandler and Monica realized that he was probably grasping the situation, as much as an almost-three-year-old could. When Ross and Rachel arrived to pick him up, Chandler couldn't keep the tears from falling. He hugged Matthew tightly, and told him over and over how much he loved him. Matthew, who had been told that his father would come home soon, was unable to understand why Chandler was crying, but willingly hugged him back, telling him that he loved him too. Monica choked back her own tears and kissed her son, too, sending him with Rachel. She was alone with Chandler, something she had both looked forward to and dreaded all day. Chandler smiled at her, then patted the bed beside him.
"Come join me, sweetie." She glanced at him and then climbed apprehensively into the bed with him.
"Sure this is allowed?"
"Who cares?" He pulled her close to him, and she sighed as she laid her head against his chest, where she could hear his heart beating.
"I love you, Chandler."
"I know." He kissed her softly. "And I know that you know how much I love you. And I do. More than I can ever tell you, Mon."
"It's funny…Right now, I can't remember a time when I didn't love you. Or any time in our marriage when I wasn't completely happy and at peace."
"I feel the same way. I mean, I know we've had our moments. But compared to the love and happiness I've had with you, everything else is trivial."
"It's going to be so hard to fall asleep tonight without you."
"I know." He pulled her closer. "It's going to be hard for me too."
"I can't believe this is happening. But, at the same time, I just want it to be over so I can have my husband back."
"I want you to have your husband back too."
Monica turned her head so she could kiss him lightly on the lips, then settled back into his arms.
Chandler woke up, realizing immediately that they had inadvertently fallen asleep in each other's arms. He glanced at the clock, and realized that Monica would have to leave soon in order to pick up Matthew and get him ready for bed. He lay there and looked at her for a few moments, wondering why he had been so blessed. Her beautiful face was peaceful as she laid there, her fingers intertwined with his, her hair scattered across his chest. He wanted to just watch her sleep forever, but he knew she needed to go. He brushed her lips with his fingers, then kissed her gently. She woke immediately.
"Chandler, where.." She looked around her, noting her surroundings, and sank back down against him.
"Sweetie, I would love to keep you here all night, but it's about time to pick up Matthew. I'm sure he's been asking Rachel where you are for hours."
Monica sighed, knowing he was right, but still unwilling to leave Chandler's side. She slowly got out of the bed, and leaned back over to kiss him, trying to keep from crying.
"Good night, sweetheart. I'll be back to visit you tomorrow as soon as I can, okay?"
"Okay. Mon…I love you."
"I love you."
She kissed him again, lingering there with her lips against his, then sighed and reluctantly pulled away. She looked back at him one last time before she left the room, and he gave her a smile. She smiled back, then left him alone.
Chandler watched her go, trying to keep control of himself. Then he picked up the phone. He hoped he could keep the tears out of his voice long enough to leave her a message.