TOW The Bings (Part Four)
Disclaimer: The only one I own is Matthew. Bing, not Perry. =)
Okay, I know this is dramatic and hard to believe, but...oh well.
"Matthew...Who...Who's Matthew?"
Monica stared at him, shocked. How could he not remember their son? It was one thing to be confused about the brain tumor. But if he couldn't remember Matthew... After a long moment, she finally got a hold of herself. Chandler was still looking at her, and he was growing more frightened by her silence every second.
"Chandler, you really don't know who Matthew is?"
"No... Wait, is that Phoebe's boyfriend? The scientist dude?" His voice was still weak and he sounded a bit drunk because of the anesthesia, but he seemed to be thinking coherently.
"No...No, Matthew's..." She trailed off, wondering what she should do. She didn't want to just tell Chandler that they had a son. She had to talk to Dr. Gillespie.
"Sweetie, I'll be right back, okay? Can you hold on for just a minute?"
"Yeah, Mon..." Chandler looked terribly confused, but Monica ignored that as she ran out of the room, and over to the nurse's station.
"Can you have Dr. Gillespie paged up here immediately? There's something wrong..."
The nurse nodded and turned to the phone. A second later, Monica heard the page over the loudspeaker, and breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped he would hurry. She wasn't sure whether to go back to Chandler or wait on the doctor. She decided to wait so that she could explain the situation to Dr. Gillespie without Chandler overhearing. She leaned against the wall, trying to not to think about Chandler's lack of memory. If she thought about it, she'd break down. And Chandler needed her.
It didn't take long for the doctor to arrive. He was jogging down the hallway, looking worried, when he spotted Monica.
"Monica? What's wrong? Is it Chandler? Is that why I was paged?"
"Yes, yes. Doctor, something's wrong. I mentioned Matthew, and he asked me who Matthew was. And I wasn't concerned at first, but when he first woke up, he asked me what had happened, and he didn't remember even having a brain tumor, much less getting it removed." Monica finished the sentence in sobs. Dr. Gillespie gently put his arm around her, and guided her over to a chair. After giving her a moment to collect herself, he spoke softly.
"Did he recognize you?"
Monica thought for a second, then nodded in relief. "Yes, he said my name when he opened his eyes."
Dr. Gillespie nodded, and put an arm around Monica again to try to calm her down.
"Monica, listen. This might be some type of amnesia that resulted from the trauma of the surgery. Now, I'm going to try to determine the extent of it. Since he remembers you, it can't be total. What I need you to do is to help me question him, and try to figure out just how much he does remember. And, if he's forgotten everything since a certain time, to help decide what that is and how much time he's lost."
Monica nodded, frightened. "But Dr. Gillespie, when you say amnesia, do you mean...permanent?"
Dr. Gillespie shook his head. "I don't know. Probably not. Maybe I'll know more after I talk to Chandler. And Monica, just to warn you...If he doesn't remember Matthew, there's a good chance that he might not remember that you are married. The fact that he recognized you is a good sign, but from what I understand, you two were very important to each other even before you fell in love. I need you to be prepared for that possibility. We don't want to tell him anything just yet, though we will have to soon if he doesn't remember much." He looked into Monica's eyes, which were wide with fright and uncertainty. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah, I'm ready." She swallowed hard and followed the doctor into her husband's room. Chandler was lying there quietly, staring at the ceiling. He looked up when they entered, and smiled tentatively.
"Mon? Where'd you go?"
Monica smiled when she heard him say her name, hoping that was a good sign. He also sounded much more awake than he had a few minutes ago. She went over to his bed, and kissed him on the cheek before she answered.
"This is Dr. Gillespie. He's been your doctor since we found out you had cancer. He's here just to check and make sure you're doing okay."
"Hello, Chandler. I know that you don't remember me, but I'm happy to see that you're doing so well. The surgery was successful, I might add. It looks like you'll be just fine."
Chandler looked relieved, though he didn't know what he was talking about.
"Well, that's always good to know, even if I don't remember having a tumor." He laughed nervously, and Monica reached over to squeeze his hand.
"Okay, Chandler, I'm going to ask you a few questions. Answer them if you can, but if you can't remember, just tell me you can't, okay?"
"Okay."
"Your name?"
"Chandler Bing."
"Birthday?"
"March 11."
"Job?"
"Data Processor. I guess it's good that I remember that, since none of the rest of you know, huh Mon?" Monica forced herself to smile back, remembering the game he was talking about - when Monica and Rachel had bet their apartment and lost.
"Okay, Chandler, can you tell me about your family?"
Chandler paused and glanced at Monica. When he spoke, it was in a rush. "My mom's a novelist that writes erotic books. She dresses like a teenager and once even kissed Monica's brother. My dad...My dad runs a show is Las Vegas called Viva Las Gaygas."
Dr. Gillespie looked at Monica quickly, obviously wondering if this was true. She nodded quietly, and Dr. Gillespie looked back at Chandler with raised eyebrows.
"Okay...Tell me about your friends."
Again Chandler looked at Monica, but this time with a smile.
"Um, well, there's my roommate Joey." Monica stiffened when Chandler called Joey his roommate. That confirmed what she had realized when Chandler didn't include her with 'family'. He didn't remember their marriage, or any of their relationship, unless he somehow remembered their sneaking around days before they lived together. Chandler didn't notice Monica's reaction, which she was thankful for. She didn't want to have to explain just yet.
"Joey's an actor...Or tries to be anyway. He's a ladies' man, especially when you compare him with me." Chandler smiled the bitter smile that Monica hadn't seen in years. She realized how much Chandler had hurt all of those years, without ever letting anyone know. "Um, he's great. The best friend anyone could ask for. He'd do anything for you, you know?" Monica smiled at his description, knowing it was true. Joey really had a good heart, and he would give up his life for his friends.
"Um, then there's Phoebe. She's kind of...how do you say it nicely? She's spacey. But the nicest person I know." He paused and glanced at Monica. "Almost." They exchanged smiles, then Chandler continued. "She's a masseuse. Then there's Ross. He's Monica's brother, and a paleontologist. He was my roommate in college, and that's how I met Monica, and her roommate Rachel. Rach and Monica live across the hall from Joey and me. Rachel works for Bloomingdale's, and is really into fashion. She's a little bit ditzy, but we all love her, right Mon?"
Monica nodded, smiling. How surprised Chandler would be when he met the new, grown-up Rachel, who was married with a child.
"And then there's Monica. She's...pretty much the best friend I have. I mean, she even "taught" me how to have better sex with my girlfriend - eh, my ex-girlfriend." Kathy. He means Kathy, Monica thought, her mind running like a computer program, trying to deduce an answer. He broke up with Kathy right after we switched apartments. Which was of course after Rach and I lost the game when we couldn't remember what he does. And all that was right before Ross and Emily... "But, you obviously know Mon, so you can see for yourself how great she is."
"Yes, Chandler, and I have. A moment ago, you mentioned an ex-girlfriend. Can you tell me more about your romantic life?" He's trying to see if he remembers me. I might as well tell him that he doesn't. He doesn't remember. Her heart broke as she admitted it, and it was all she could do to keep from breaking down in tears. But Chandler wouldn't understand tears, and she didn't want to scare him.
"What romantic life?" Chandler's voice was bitter, and Monica was reminded again of how he had been before they go together. "Um, basically that consists of two women. Janice - who is the most annoying woman on the face of the planet - and Kathy, who I was crazy about. She cheated on me, though."
"Anyone else?"
Monica's heart skipped a beat when Chandler glanced at her, but he shook his head.
"No, that's about it. There are a couple of other little flings, but those are the only two worth talking about."
"Why did you look at Monica?"
Chandler paused, and looked at her again. His face flushed, and he seemed reluctant to answer.
"Um, well...I, uh... I guess I was just thinking about that time at the beach, when I asked if you would ever consider me for your boyfriend. But you said no. Remember that?" Monica could feel Dr. Gillespie's eyes on her, probably wondering why in the world she had said no. But she was remembering Chandler holding her in the bathtub, telling her that he had been in love with her long before London. She choked back a sob, and looked toward the doctor, begging him with her eyes to continue.
"Chandler, we need to talk about your condition. Monica brought it to my attention, and I agree that it seems that you have a case of amnesia."
"Amnesia?!"
"Yes. You don't seem to remember details from the last few years of your life. We're a little concerned about that. So, I'm going to let Monica ask you some questions now, since she knows you much better than I do, and try to decide just how much you do remember, and how much you don't. Okay?"
Chandler looked at Monica, bewildered. She nodded quietly, trying to be reassuring. "It's true, Chandler. I know you probably think you do remember, but there's a lot of things you don't seem to know. So let's just try to figure it out, okay?"
Chandler nodded, looking at her for answers. Monica glanced at the doctor. She knew about the time period now, anyway. His memory seemed to stop right around the time of Ross's wedding to Emily, which, ironically, was when their life together started. She took a deep breath, and decided to make it quick.
"Do you remember Emily?"
Chandler thought for a second, then his eyes brightened. "Yeah. Ross is going to marry her." He stopped and looked at Monica. "Did he?"
"Um...yeah...but no. It's a long story, Chandler. They're not married now."
"They're not?"
"No...So you remember their engagement. Do you...do you remember London, Chandler?"
Chandler paused and thought again. "Well, I can remember the plane ride. And Joey and that stupid map. But I can't remember the wedding..."
"The rehearsal dinner?" Monica could barely get the words out. After the rehearsal dinner was when they had gone up to his room. If he remembered this much...
Chandler shut his eyes, thinking hard, obviously trying for her sake to remember.
"No, I don't think I remember that."
Monica nodded, and turned to Dr. Gillespie. "I think we've got it. He remembers things up to the day of the rehearsal dinner, but everything afterwards..." She stopped, knowing that "everything afterwards" in his life had everything to do with her.
"Chandler, will you excuse us for a moment?"
Chandler nodded, obviously still very confused. "Sure..."
Dr. Gillespie led Monica into the hallway. As soon as she was out of Chandler's room, the tears started to fall.
"Monica, listen to me. This is most likely only temporary. He remembers too much for it to be something permanent. He just lost the past few years. Tell me, was this wedding a big turning point for him?"
Monica almost laughed at the question, in spite of her worry. Of course it was a turning point for Chandler. It had been for both of them. London was when they finally left the past behind and began to be happy. She looked up at the doctor. "Yes. My brother's wedding in London was when Chandler and I got together."
Dr. Gillespie nodded. "That makes perfect sense. He's forgotten everything since then, because that was when he became, in many ways, a different person. So, don't take it personally that he doesn't remember your history. It's a compliment of sorts. I'm sure that given time to recover from the surgery, he'll get his memory back. About how long ago was this wedding?"
"Um...about seven years. But..." Monica glanced away, wondering what to do. "What do we do in the meantime? Until he remembers I mean. When he comes home, it will be to our house. We can't keep Matthew away from him forever. What, how much do we tell him?"
"Well, you will obviously have to tell him you're married, as well as the fact that you share a son. You can fill him in on some of the details, enough to satisfy his questions. But try not to tell him too much. We want him to remember on his own. And, Monica..." Dr. Gillespie paused, trying to decide the best way to tell her what he needed to say. "You're not showing yet. And you won't be for a couple of months. I would hold off telling Chandler about the baby until some of this shock has worn off. Too much might be just that. Too much."
Monica, though surprised, took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. So how do I know when I'm telling him too much?"
"Just give him the basics. You're married, Matthew, update him on your friends. Answer his questions, but don't elaborate more than you need to. He'll ask how you got together. Tell him. But don't tell him every detail of your life together. Try to appease him, make him comfortable, but leave some things for him to discover."
Monica nodded, wondering how she could do that. After a long moment, she turned back to the doctor. "Are you coming back in?"
Dr. Gillespie shook his head. "No. I'll let you talk to him in private."
Monica nodded and turned to go into the room. Suddenly, she turned back.
"Doctor, could you do me a favor and let my friends know? I want them to be prepared. And tell Ross not to bring Matthew until I come for him, okay?"
"Sure. Monica, I'm sorry. I had no idea this could happen, or I would have warned you."
Monica forced a small smile. "Thanks. But I know it wasn't anyone's fault."
Dr. Gillespie nodded and placed a hand on her arm, squeezing it gently before he walked away, leaving her to give Chandler the shock of his life. She opened the door slowly, and closed it behind her before she turned to look at him. He still looked bewildered.
"Mon?" His voice sounded like a little boy, scared and lost. "Monica, who's Matthew?" She saw the anxiety in his eyes, and knew that he knew Matthew was someone important. She had to answer the questions in his eyes, but she wasn't sure how to do it. She crossed the room to his bed, and carefully took his hand. He watched her closely, wondering why her eyes were filled with tears. Finally, Monica took a deep breath, and looked up at him.
"Chandler, there are some things that you don't remember that I have to tell you. Dr. Gillespie told me not to tell you too much, because he wants you to remember on your own. And he thinks you will, really soon. But, in the meantime, I have to tell you about some things that have happened since Ross's wedding in London. You won't be able to understand much unless I tell you some things about your life now. I know you'll have a lot of questions, but try to just ask me the big ones, okay? I'll answer them as much as I think I can, but I'm going to try not to give you all of your memories."
Chandler nodded, his eyes urging her to go on. Monica looked down at their hands, and began to speak in a quiet voice, deciding to answer his question first and explain later.
"First of all...Matthew is - Matthew is our son."
She heard Chandler's quick intake of breath, but didn't look at him. She hated knowing he didn't remember Matthew. Somehow, that hurt worse than knowing he didn't remember anything at all about his relationship with her.
"Wh- We have a son?" She looked at him then, seeing the extreme shock in his eyes. "US??? Um, how, when, where, h-" He shook his head as if to clear it. "What?"
Monica nodded. "I'll show you a picture of him as soon as I can get my wallet from Ross. See, when we were in London for Ross's wedding, you and I...We kind of...slept together."
Chandler didn't look quite as shocked by that piece of information, which made sense, considering she'd already told him they had a son. But he was still stunned.
"And I...You...I got you pregnant?"
"No! Well, yeah, but no! Not then."
"We did it more than ONCE?"
Monica smiled at his astonishment. Of course he would be surprised. As far as he could remember, it hadn't been that long since she had told him he wasn't boyfriend material.
"Yeah, sweetie. We did it a lot more than once. See...after we slept together in London, we started dating."
"You...and ME?" She smiled again, although she was fighting tears the whole time. He was so cute, although she wished he wasn't so incredulous. She hated for him to think he wasn't good enough for her. He had made her so incredibly happy, and she wanted him to know that.
"Yes! You and me. We kept it a secret from the others for awhile, but they found out. But by then...We were in love."
"Love." He said it simply, unbelieving. Monica squeezed his hand, trying to give him a bit of assurance.
"Yes, Chandler, love. And then, to make a really long story pretty short, about three years after we got together in London..." Her voice trailed off as she slowly held up his left hand, so that he could see the ring on his finger. He stared at it, then looked at her, his eyes wide. Without breaking their locked gaze, he reached for her left hand and lifted it so that he could see her ring finger. He finally looked away from her to look at her hand next to his, gazing at their wedding bands and her engagement ring. Monica watched his face, knowing that he would come to his own conclusion.
"You...and me?" He seemed to be stuck on those two words. And his voice was still absolutely incredulous.
"Yeah." Monica's smiled, allowing her love for him to show in her eyes. "You and me. We've been married for a little more than four years. And, almost three years ago, our son - Matthew - was born." She desperately wanted to go on and tell him about the new baby, but she stopped herself. Dr. Gillespie was right, and besides, she wanted him to remember that on his own.
"Thank God." Monica looked at him, a question in her eyes. He smiled slightly and tried to explain himself. "I was afraid...when you said Matthew, I was afraid I might have made a, um, a lifestyle choice." Monica grinned at that, and squeezed his hand.
"You did. But not that choice. You decided to make a commitment - to me, to marriage, to our family."
Chandler nodded slowly, still looking skeptical. "I didn't think I'd ever find someone that I would love enough to do that. And it was you...Four years? We've been married four years?"
"Four years, sweetie. And they've been the happiest four years of my life. Since I fell in love with you, each day has been even better than the one before. We have a good life, Chandler. And we love each other so much."
Chandler nodded, still shell-shocked by all the information he was expected to absorb. "Of course we would." He appeared to be talking to himself, but then realized Monica was still there and looked up at her again. "God, Monica, this is just too much. I feel like that kid in that old movie. The one where the kid wakes up and it's like ten years in the future? What was it called? We watched it once. Joey rented it. Said he loved it when he was a kid."
"Flight of the Navigator." Monica could remember that night. They had watched the movie not too long after Rachel had moved in.
"Yeah, that's it. He has no idea what's going on. And everyone's changed but him..."
Monica nodded silently. "And his parents and sister are so glad to have him back, but he doesn't even know them anymore."
Chandler looked up at her, eyes suddenly wide.
"I know you, Mon. I might not know everything about our life together, but I know you. It's not the same."
Monica tried to smile and nodded, but she was unconvinced.
"Monica...
"No, Chandler, it's fine. I know you didn't mean to. I'm just..." She couldn't tell him that she was even more emotional than usual because of the baby. She let the thought go unfinished, hoping Chandler would understand. He didn't push her. After a few moments of silence, Chandler spoke again, feeling the need to put some of his amazement into words.
"I can't believe this. I'm married. To YOU! And we have a son... Monica, this isn't some sort of trick is it?"
She laughed at the sudden anxiety in his eyes, releasing her tension. In a moment, she was back to as normal as she could be under the circumstances.
"No, sweetie. It's not a trick. It's all true. Actually, hold on just a minute. I'll be right back."
Monica ran out of the room, and found a nurse.
"Can you do me a huge favor and go down to room 331? That's my husband's room. There are several pictures on the table beside the bed. Could you get them and bring them back to me?"
The nurse nodded, happy to oblige, and started down the hallway. Monica returned to Chandler's room, and sat down beside him again.
"I sent the nurse to your room to get some pictures for you. Maybe that will help you to cope with the shock of it all."
"Thank you. Monica, I'm so sorry that I don't remember...I don't know how I could forget all this! Please, please don't...Don't take it personally, Mon. Trust me, if I have this kind of life, especially if it's with you, it would be the last thing I would want to forget." He was starting to cry again. Monica squeezed his hand, reluctant to get much closer to him in his vulnerable state, and tried to ease his guilt.
"Sweetie, it's okay. The doctor told me that it's actually quite common. He says that London was a big turning point in your life, and that's probably why you can't remember anything after it. He said that in some ways, you became a new person - both of us did - and that's probably why you don't remember."
"Man, I can't believe this. I'm married to you. The woman of my dreams."
Monica looked up, surprised and touched. "Really?"
"Well, yeah Mon. You've...Well, I've always had a bit of a crush on you." Chandler's cheeks got a little red, and Monica couldn't help but smile at the irony. She was about to speak again when the door opened.
"Ma'am? Here are those pictures." Monica rushed to take them from her, and quickly looked through them, deciding to show him the one of the gang first.
"Here you go, sweetie. You should recognize all of these people. And now would be a good time to tell you about them. Joey and Phoebe got married just a couple of days ago, here at the hospital. They brought the wedding to us, since we couldn't go to L.A."
"L.A.?"
"Yeah, Joey and Phoebe moved out there about a year ago. Joey got a role in a movie, and Phoebs went with him. They're doing really well. Joey's already gotten two more movie offers."
"Wow. I wish I could remember all this..." Chandler's voice was wistful, and Monica squeezed his hand, knowing how frustrated he must feel.
"Ross and Rachel are married too." At Chandler's surprised look, Monica continued quickly. "I know, the last you remember, he was marrying Emily. But, he said Rachel's name at the altar."
"No."
"Yeah. Well, they still got married, but Emily left right after the wedding. Anyway, after a lot of chaos, they eventually ended up getting divorced."
"And Ross married Rachel."
"Right. Actually, they got married the first time in Vegas. They were really drunk. And, a side-note, you and I almost got married that same night in Vegas, but we got caught up in Ross and Rachel and decided against it. Anyway, when they sobered up, they ended up getting a divorce. Years later, after you and I had already been married a year or so, they got married for real. And they have a three-month-old son, Jackson."
"Rachel has a baby?!"
"Yeah. And boy, is he a cutie."
Chandler smiled. "Can't wait to meet him." He paused and looked at her, his eyes troubled. "Speaking of meeting people... Is one of those of Matthew?"
Monica tried to smile, and kissed him tenderly on the forehead as she placed the picture of the two of them in the park with Matthew in his hands.
"That's us, obviously, and Matthew. Rachel took it at the park just a couple of months ago."
She watched as Chandler's eyes filled with tears. "Oh my God. I didn't really believe it until now. We, we really have a little boy!"
"Yeah. Isn't he beautiful? He loves you so much. Almost as much as I do."
"Oh my God. This is my son." Chandler looked at Monica, and brushed a tear away from her cheek, not even realizing that they were running steadily down his own face. "He's amazing, Mon. Man, I can't believe that I have a little boy." He glanced up at her, a gentle smile curving his lips. "And...you and I...We really look like we're in love."
"We are, Chandler. I know it's hard to take my word for it, but we are. Here's one of our wedding pictures."
Chandler took it, and gazed at it for a long time. "Monica, you are so beautiful. God, I have to be the luckiest man alive." He finally looked up, wiping impatiently at the tears on his face. "And I don't even remember it. How can I not remember this? How can I not remember you? Our son? Mon, I'm so sorry..."
"Shh. Sweetie, you can't help it. And you will remember. Soon. You have to." She leaned over to pull him carefully into her arms. She cradled his head against her chest and let her own tears run down her face and drop onto his hair as she kissed his forehead gently. After a few moments, she realized that while holding him was the most familiar feeling in the world to her, he wouldn't remember ever being in her arms as more than a friend, and might be uncomfortable. She released him reluctantly, and he looked up at her, obviously still frustrated by this lack of memories, but not seeming to be adversely affected by the hug. After a long, awkward silence while they stared at each other, Chandler finally spoke again.
"What's that one of?" Chandler gestured toward her hand, where she held one more picture. Monica looked down, and couldn't help but smile. She gave him the picture, and watched the tears well up in his eyes again as he looked at it.
"That's Matthew, of course. I gave you this picture a couple of weeks ago, right after you started chemo."
"Oh, man. He is...Amazing, Monica. So amazing. He looks like you."
"Yeah...We've always fought about that. You think he looks just like me, and I swear that he's the spitting image of you! Matty's his father's son. He really adores you. In fact, he's waiting now to be able to see his daddy..."
Chandler looked up, startled. "He's here?"
"Yeah. He's out in the waiting room with the rest of the guys.
Chandler swallowed hard, and looked back at the picture of his son sleeping. When he looked back at Monica, his eyes were determined. "I want to see him."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Don't you think I deserve to meet my son?"
"Of course. But are you sure you're ready?"
"I'm ready. I...I think I'm in love with him already."
Monica smiled, wiping away her tears. "That's what you said when they gave him to you in the delivery room the day he was born."
Chandler's eyes widened. He looked at Monica, realizing for the first time exactly what everything she had told him meant. They were married. They had a son. Somehow, he had made her love him. And she said they were happy. They had a good life. They were in love. None of it made any sense to him, but he knew that the life he had woken up to was a thousand times better than the one he remembered. And he was about to meet his son. A child he shared with Monica, whom he had loved...for years. But he couldn't remember any of it.
"I'll go get Matthew. And then the others will want to see you. I told the doctor to tell them..."
Chandler nodded, glad that his friends would already know that he couldn't remember. But all he wanted at that moment was to see his son.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. I want to talk to Matty for a minute first, to um, prepare him."
Chandler nodded again, knowing that would be a good idea. Matthew would come in expecting him to know things he didn't, and that would just make things difficult for both of them.
Monica kissed him sweetly on the forehead before she left the room. Chandler looked up at her, surprised, but knowing that she was accustomed to acting like they were in a happy marriage. She left him to contemplate the pictures, and wonder about this life he led that he couldn't remember. She stopped outside the door, fighting to keep control of herself. She couldn't let Matthew see her so upset. After a moment, she walked down the hallway to the waiting room.
They all jumped to her feet when she entered. She sighed and wearily ran her fingers through her hair, looking around at their friends, then at Matthew, who was asleep in Joey's arms.
"Mon? How...how is he?"
Monica looked at Rachel, her eyes giving away her worry and frustration.
"He's actually taking this really well. Telling him about us - and Matthew - was kind of fun. He couldn't believe that we were married, but... He, um, he wants to meet his son." She stressed the word 'meet', and Rachel nodded, understanding. She knew how it must feel for Monica to have to introduce her husband to a child that he was supposed to have known for three years.
"Sweetie, is there anything we can do?"
"Um, actually, Ross? Would you call Mom and Dad and give them the update? And if you can get hold of Chandler's mom, that would be really great."
"Of course. Anything else?"
Monica looked around at her friends, softening under their concerned looks. "No. No, I think we're okay. He took the shock fairly well, although it'll take awhile for it to sink in. Um, I'm going to take Matthew in to see him. I'll come and get the rest of you in a little while. He's anxious to see you."
They nodded, and Monica accepted their comforting hugs. Joey gave up Matthew, and Monica sat down with him in her lap, waking him gently.
"Matthew? Honey, can you wake up for Mommy?" His eyes popped open immediately and he sat up straight in her lap.
"Mommy! Can I see Daddy now?"
Monica pulled him close and kissed him on the forehead. "Yes, sweetie. I'm going to take you to see Daddy. But first, I need to talk to you. Daddy just woke up from the operation, and he can't remember very well right now. He needs time to get better, and then we hope he'll be able to remember everything. But, Matty, if Daddy doesn't know what you're talking about, or seems a little bit different than you're used to, don't let it worry you. He's just fine, but he needs some time to let his mind remember everything."
"Why doesn't he 'member Mommy?"
"I don't know, baby. It has something to do with the operation he had. But I don't want you to worry. Daddy's going to be fine, I'm sure. I just don't want you to be scared if Daddy seems different to you."
"Okay." Monica knew Matthew was confused, but she didn't want to go into it any further. She was afraid Matthew would be upset if he knew Chandler couldn't remember them.
"Okay. You ready to go see Daddy?" She tried to make it sound exciting, though she was scared to death. When Matthew nodded solemnly, she lifted Matthew into her arms, and glanced at her friends. They were all watching her, knowing how hard this was for her. She gave them a small smile, and carried her son down the hallway to his father's room. She stopped outside the door, and looked at Matthew.
"Sweetie, remember you have to be careful with Daddy. He just got out of an operation. Don't jump on him or hug him too tightly, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy." Matthew's face was serious, but his eyes showed his excitement over seeing his father again. Monica sighed and prayed that the meeting would go well, for Matthew's sake as much as Chandler's.
"Chandler? Honey, Matthew's here." She walked into the room slowly, carrying Matthew. At his first sight of Matthew, Chandler's face broke into a huge grin. Monica noticed, relieved, that he didn't cry. She was afraid that tears would scare their small son. She glanced at Matthew and couldn't hide her own smile when she saw that her son's face bore a grin that matched his father's.
"Daddy!" Monica placed him carefully on the bed, and watched as Matthew kissed his father several times, then placed his little hands on either side of Chandler's face, smiling into his eyes. Chandler was looking at him, grinning, no trace of tears on his face.
"Hey...son."
Matthew looked at Chandler seriously. "Daddy, are you all better now?"
Chandler glanced at Monica, wondering if she had told him. Monica broke in, trying to ease the situation.
"Daddy's a lot better than he was, Matthew. But you remember that I told you that Daddy needs a little bit of time to get all the way better. And that he might forget some things or not be able to pick you up or play with you for a little while."
"(the patented Monica) I know! Mommy, you just told me!" Chandler and Monica both laughed at the impatience in their son's voice, and Chandler looked at her with a grin.
"He sounds just like you, Mon."
Monica looked at her husband and nodded quietly. She was glad when Matthew took his father's attention once again.
"So when are you coming home, Daddy?"
Chandler looked up, a little startled by the question. Monica could tell that he hadn't given a thought to leaving the hospital and going "home" to a life he didn't know.
"Um...I'm not sure, son. Monica? Do you know?"
"Yeah." She ran a hand over Matthew's head, smoothing back his bangs. "Daddy needs to stay here for about a week, darling. Then he'll come home with us."
"Yay!" Matthew bounced up and down in his excitement, and Chandler watched him, his face happy but his eyes thoughtful. He pulled Matthew toward him, and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.
"I can't wait, Matty." Monica turned her head toward Chandler quickly, surprised that he had used Matthew's special nickname. They rarely called him anything but Matthew. In fact, they made a conscious effort to call him by his full name. But "Matty" had become a pet name both used when they were feeling especially affectionate.
Chandler saw her quick look and wondered if he had said something wrong. But when he caught her eye, she was smiling. Impulsively, she leaned over and kissed him, very lightly, on the lips. Immediately, she regretted it. She knew he wouldn't understand the meaning behind the kiss, and the love for him that prompted it.
Chandler stared at her for a moment, before realizing that Matthew would most likely wonder why "Daddy" was reacting like that to a simple kiss. But the truth was, it was the first time - to Chandler - that she had kissed him. It took his breath away. He wanted to pull her to him and kiss her more deeply, but Matthew brought him back to reality before he could let his emotions take over.
"Daddy?" Each time he heard that word come out of Matthew's mouth, he felt his heart skip a beat. Even though he couldn't remember the child, he still felt an unmistakable bond. And he knew that he already loved this little boy more than he could ever put into words.
"Yes, Matthew?"
"I'm glad you're better now. I missed you." To the surprise of both his parents, Matthew was suddenly biting his lip and letting tears run down his rosy cheeks.
"Aw, son. Don't cry." Chandler pulled Matthew into his arms, even as Monica was reaching for him. Seeing Monica sitting uncertainly on the edge of the bed, Chandler held out his other arm to her, and she smiled as she joined their hug. Chandler was overwhelmed by the knowledge that he was holding his son and his wife in his arms. He closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that he knew would only frighten Matthew more. He moved his head so that he could kiss Monica gently on her temple. She looked up, a little surprised, and he mouthed "thank you" to her, nodding his head toward the child crying against his chest. Monica gave him a full smile and nodded, then mouthed it back to him.
"Matthew, son, you don't know how happy I'll be to be home with you and your mommy. I know you've had a rough few weeks, son, but you've been so good, and so brave. Mommy and I are so, so proud of you. You don't have to cry son. We're both right here. You don't have to be scared."
Monica subtly wiped a tear from her eye. Just watching him was Matthew now was almost as emotional as it had been when she had watched him hold their son for the first time just minutes after he had been born. Chandler was still a wonderful father. He seemed to automatically know just what to say. Watching him now made it hard to believe that he really couldn't remember.
Matthew finally ceased his crying, and sat up in the bed.
"You won't leave again, will you Daddy?"
Chandler looked at Monica, helpless. He knew as well as she did he couldn't promise that. Even if he was given a clean bill of health, the cancer could come back at any time. Instead of making a promise he might have to break, Chandler looked at his son, and kissed him on the forehead.
"Son, I can't promise. Daddy's been very sick, and I might get sick again. We don't think I will, but if I do, I might have to come back to the hospital so I can get better again. But I promise, I'll try as hard as I can to never have to leave you again."
Matthew's face fell with Chandler's first words, but he managed to smile anyway. "Okay, as long as you try to stay good. I don't want you to leave me and Mommy again."
Chandler looked up at Monica, surprised by how quickly he had adjusted to the fact that she was his wife. He gave her a smile, which widened when she smiled back. "I don't want to leave again either, son."
Monica stepped in then. "Matthew, we need to let Daddy get some rest. Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel are going to come see Daddy for a few minutes, then they will take you home. Okay son?"
"Okay, Mommy." Chandler smiled at their obedient son. Monica had done well with him. Or maybe they both had, he didn't know.
"Good night, Matthew." Chandler hugged him close, then pressed his lips against his little forehead, reluctant to pull away.
"Night, Daddy. I love you."
"I-love you too, Matthew."
Matthew gave his father a wet kiss on the cheek, then allowed Monica to lift him out of the bed. She put him down, then leaned over to kiss Chandler on the forehead. He smiled up at her, putting her mind at ease about showing affection.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll send Ross and Rachel in, so they can go ahead and take Matthew home."
Chandler nodded. "Okay. I'll see you in a while then."
Monica smiled, then lifted Matthew, prompting him to blow kisses to his father, which Chandler returned. Monica had to take several deep breaths to keep from crying as she carried Matthew out of the room, and down the hallway. She hated to leave him, but at the same time she knew that she would welcome the time to be alone with her thoughts while the others visited Chandler. She didn't want to answer his questions or see the confusion in her eyes. She wanted her husband back to normal, and he was anything but.
"Hi."
Chandler looked up quickly, and sighed with relief when he saw Monica standing in the doorway. He'd grown tired of visitors, though he loved his friends. They had all questioned him with their eyes, if not with their voices. Somehow, Monica made him feel safe, secure.
"Hey."
"How are you feeling?"
Chandler sighed and looked at her. "I don't know. I mean, I'm fine I guess. But I can't believe...I'm really confused, and frustrated, and...I don't know, I feel like I'm suspended in some kind of alternate reality. It really sucks, Mon."
"I know." Even though she was still across the room from him, he could tell that she had been crying. And she was rubbing her neck like she always did when she was upset. It struck him that she probably did know. Of all people, this woman he was supposed to be married to would be most affected by his lack of memory. He suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of guilt for putting that look in her eyes. He knew how it felt to have no memories about things that were supposed to be important, but he could hardly begin to imagine what it would be like to be in Monica's position - knowing and living their life, and facing a husband that didn't remember any of it.
"C'mere, Mon." He saw the reluctance in her eyes, but he held out his hand to her, and she finally came over to his bed, and sat gingerly on the side of it.
"I'm sorry, Monica. I hate it that I don't remember...but this affects you just as much as it does me. I know that if I'm this frustrated...you must be a hundred times worse. I mean, you can remember, and you're stuck with a husband that doesn't even remember having a baby with you." He brushed her cheek gently, wanting to connect with her in some way. Even though he liked the idea of being her husband, he still wasn't sure what to do with it. He didn't feel comfortable kissing her, or even holding her really. He didn't know what to do, but he desperately wanted to make the look of pain in her eyes go away.
Monica closed her eyes when his hand touched her face, trying to keep the tears from escaping her eyes. She couldn't cry. Chandler was going through enough. He didn't need to see how upset she was. But he was right. The fact that he couldn't remember was tearing her up. She had broken down in tears as soon as Ross and Rachel had returned from Chandler's room and taken Matthew home. Even when Phoebe and Joey returned to the waiting room, she had had to sit there for a long time before she felt ready to go back into his room. Now that it had sunk in, it was so much harder to deal with. It had been almost - fun - to tell him they were married and had a son. But now, she felt only heartache. And she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Was she supposed to tell him how much she loved him? Hold him? Kiss him? Act like a wife or like his friend Monica? She finally opened his eyes and looked at him. He was watching her, his eyes intent. Probably wanting some sort of sign as much as she did.
"Monica?" His voice was soft, scared, unsure. She couldn't bear the uncertainty. He reached for her hand, and held it tightly, trying to find some sort of stable ground. All he knew was that she was the only thing he wasn't scared of. "Monica, please. Don't cry." He was pleading, just as he always had. He hated to see her cry. Monica wiped a hand across her eyes, and looked toward the ceiling, trying to get control of herself. Chandler released her hand, and reached for her shoulder, pulling her gently down onto the bed and into his arms.
After a moment of uncertainty, she relaxed a little and allowed herself the comfort of his arms. He held her close and stroked her hair gently, hoping she would calm down. He hated to see her upset. They needed to talk about some things. He still had a lot of questions. And he had to know how she wanted him to act, what he was supposed to do. For a fleeting moment, he let himself think about how perfectly she seemed to fit into his arms, but he pushed the thought away quickly. He couldn't handle it right now.
Meanwhile, Monica just closed her eyes and let herself think that everything was normal, as it should be. That Chandler was holding her like he always did - that his arms felt the same. But she knew something was different. She could feel it in her heart, even if everything else seemed perfectly normal. She suddenly started and pulled away.
"Chandler, I can't..." She saw the surprise and the quick flash of pain in his eyes when she pulled away. "It's not... I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that everything is okay. I can't just let myself think that you know who I am. It just - it hurts." She stood up, and moved a couple of steps away from the bed.
"I know. It hurts me too. Because I don't know what normal is for us. Normal to me is sitting next to you on the couch at your place, listening to you complain about your mother. To me, normal is having you as my best friend. Normal is...anything but what I woke up to today. But I like the thought of this new life. I can see that I was happy, Monica. How could I not be happy, if I'm sharing a life with you? I want to remember, Monica. You don't know how badly I want to remember."
Monica glanced at him and sighed. She knew she had to get past her doubt and fear. Chandler needed her. He had to be feeling terrible, and she wasn't helping any. She made herself look into his eyes, and melted at the combination of uncertainty and concern for her. She bit her lip, then reached for his hand.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry that this happened, and that I'm acting like this. But I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here. Chandler...I know that you don't remember...us...but I love you. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. You, my darling, are my life. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but I can't look at you and not say it. So just tell me what you want me to do. How I should act, what I should say. Because I'm completely lost here. Maybe even more lost than you are."
Chandler couldn't hide his smile when he heard her saying that she loved him. He had honestly thought he'd never hear those words from her, but she was saying them. He squeezed the hand that held his, and lifted it to his lips, kissing her fingers.
"Thank you. I'm glad we're lost together."
Monica smiled. She had seen the smile that crossed his face when she said she loved him. Abruptly, she changed the subject, hoping to make herself think about something else.
"Why'd you call Matthew 'Matty'?"
Chandler looked at her, surprised by the sudden question.
"Umm...I don't know. You called him that when you were telling me about him. I just...I guess it just slipped out. Is that, um, okay? Should I not have called him that?"
"No, no. It's fine. In fact, it was good. We, um, we don't call him that very often. It's kind of a special nickname for him. I think it made him feel better when you used it today. I just, um, wondered." She paused for a moment, then spoke again, quietly.
"You were great with him. I guess that proves that I was right when I said you were a natural daddy. You did and said exactly what he needed."
Chandler smiled and looked down.
"He's wonderful, Mon. He's so cute, and so well-behaved, and so...perfect."
"I know. He is. He's...the best thing that ever happened to me, to us."
Chandler nodded. "I can believe that." He looked at her closely, then grinned. "So, you finally got your dream, huh Mon? Happily married, with a beautiful kid... Who would have ever thought I would be the one to give it to you?"
Monica laughed. "Nobody, that's for sure. Even our friends were dubious once they finally found out we were together."
"Yeah, so why did we keep it a secret?"
Monica paused for a moment, debating on whether to tell him. She was afraid to tell him too much. She finally decided to tell him, but not to give him all the details.
"Um, when we first got together, it wasn't supposed to last. It was just supposed to be a London thing. So, we didn't tell anyone. When we got back to New York, it continued, but the secrecy made it exciting, so we kept it that way. It was really fun, actually, sneaking around, trying to find time together without raising their suspicions. Finally, Joey figured it out, but we made him keep it a secret, because we didn't want to turn into Ross and Rachel. And we didn't want the added pressure of our friends getting involved, especially if it didn't work out."
"But everyone did find out?"
"Yeah."
"How'd they react?"
"They were really happy for us. It's a long story, but when they confronted us, you said you loved me. It was the first time you said that. So, they were just happy that we had both found someone to love."
"Did you say it back?"
Monica gazed at him, a soft smile crossing her face. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."
Chandler smiled, too, trying to imagine the scene. "It must have been wonderful."
"It was."
"Monica...What made you fall for me? How did I ever make a woman like you love me? You said I'd always be the guy that peed on you."
Monica smiled at the memory, then looked at her husband. "I didn't have a choice. It was fate. And once it started, I didn't look back. I fell, head over heels. And the best part was that I fell in love with my best friend."
"It sounds like everything was perfect."
"Not perfect. We had our times. I mean, up to the minute you proposed you had commitment issues. And every marriage has its moments. But none of it ever mattered in the end."
Chandler was quiet for a moment as he contemplated that. Monica gazed at him, aching to touch him, to kiss him. After a long moment, she spoke, knowing that she had to have an answer to her questions too.
"What am I supposed to do Chandler? Am I supposed to act like your wife, or just your friend? Do I kiss you good night? Is it okay to hold you? Can I say that I love you? Do I just hold your hand and talk to you? How...what are we supposed to be?"
"I don't know, Monica. I don't know what to do either. When you kissed me today, when Matthew was here, it was amazing. I wanted to kiss you again, but I don't know...I don't know whether it's Husband Chandler inside me that wants to, or if it's just...a natural impulse to kiss a beautiful woman. And you would not believe what it feels like to hear you say that you love me, but ... I'm just as confused as you are. I don't know what to do either."
Monica gave him a tiny smile and got up from the bed, walking over to the window. She gazed out at the lights of New York, wondering what she was supposed to say now. After a moment, she turned back to him, but didn't move from the window.
"I want to be your wife, Chandler. I want to act like your wife. But, I don't want to be the wife of a man that has no idea what our marriage is. And I know you'll remember. I hope that it's soon, sweetie. Because I don't know how long I can stand it. But until you do, I think it's best if we leave things the way you know them. I don't want to scare you, pressure you, try to make you feel things that aren't there. It might just make it that much harder for you to remember. And I think it would tear me apart to pretend that we're in a happy marriage when I know that you don't..."
Chandler watched her carefully, and couldn't help but feel relief at her words. He didn't want that either. He didn't want to feel like he was playing a role, and he knew that's exactly what he would be doing. Besides, he had enough to worry about without trying to figure out what to do about Monica.
"I agree. I think it's best if we don't...pretend. For both of us. But, Mon, what about Matthew?"
Monica paused, contemplating. Matthew needed to see his parents as he knew them.
"I don't know. Maybe we should just tell him..."
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"No...No, I don't think that's a good idea. I think Matthew needs normal. He's been through a lot the past couple of weeks, with you away from home. And, poor boy, he's spent much more time with Ross and Rachel than he has with me. Most of the time I was there, he was asleep. I know he wouldn't understand the concept of amnesia. I think he would just be hurt to know that you don't remember us."
"If normal is what Matthew needs, then normal is what we'll give him. Mon, we both know that our own discomfort doesn't mean anything if he needs something else. So, when he's around, we'll hug and kiss, like I assume we usually do. When he's not, we're...friends."
It hurt him to say it, though he wasn't sure why. He did see her flinch, though, as if his words were a physical blow. He watched her helplessly as she nodded slowly, turning back toward the window again. When she spoke, he knew that she had turned to hide her tears.
"Friends."
"Monica, if-"
"No, Chandler. You're right. It's best if we're just friends. Until-"
She didn't finish, but Chandler knew he could finish the thought. Until I remember. When I remember, everything will be as it should be. If I only knew what that was.
TO BE CONTINUED....Sometime soon, I hope. =)
Disclaimer: The only one I own is Matthew. Bing, not Perry. =)
Okay, I know this is dramatic and hard to believe, but...oh well.
"Matthew...Who...Who's Matthew?"
Monica stared at him, shocked. How could he not remember their son? It was one thing to be confused about the brain tumor. But if he couldn't remember Matthew... After a long moment, she finally got a hold of herself. Chandler was still looking at her, and he was growing more frightened by her silence every second.
"Chandler, you really don't know who Matthew is?"
"No... Wait, is that Phoebe's boyfriend? The scientist dude?" His voice was still weak and he sounded a bit drunk because of the anesthesia, but he seemed to be thinking coherently.
"No...No, Matthew's..." She trailed off, wondering what she should do. She didn't want to just tell Chandler that they had a son. She had to talk to Dr. Gillespie.
"Sweetie, I'll be right back, okay? Can you hold on for just a minute?"
"Yeah, Mon..." Chandler looked terribly confused, but Monica ignored that as she ran out of the room, and over to the nurse's station.
"Can you have Dr. Gillespie paged up here immediately? There's something wrong..."
The nurse nodded and turned to the phone. A second later, Monica heard the page over the loudspeaker, and breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped he would hurry. She wasn't sure whether to go back to Chandler or wait on the doctor. She decided to wait so that she could explain the situation to Dr. Gillespie without Chandler overhearing. She leaned against the wall, trying to not to think about Chandler's lack of memory. If she thought about it, she'd break down. And Chandler needed her.
It didn't take long for the doctor to arrive. He was jogging down the hallway, looking worried, when he spotted Monica.
"Monica? What's wrong? Is it Chandler? Is that why I was paged?"
"Yes, yes. Doctor, something's wrong. I mentioned Matthew, and he asked me who Matthew was. And I wasn't concerned at first, but when he first woke up, he asked me what had happened, and he didn't remember even having a brain tumor, much less getting it removed." Monica finished the sentence in sobs. Dr. Gillespie gently put his arm around her, and guided her over to a chair. After giving her a moment to collect herself, he spoke softly.
"Did he recognize you?"
Monica thought for a second, then nodded in relief. "Yes, he said my name when he opened his eyes."
Dr. Gillespie nodded, and put an arm around Monica again to try to calm her down.
"Monica, listen. This might be some type of amnesia that resulted from the trauma of the surgery. Now, I'm going to try to determine the extent of it. Since he remembers you, it can't be total. What I need you to do is to help me question him, and try to figure out just how much he does remember. And, if he's forgotten everything since a certain time, to help decide what that is and how much time he's lost."
Monica nodded, frightened. "But Dr. Gillespie, when you say amnesia, do you mean...permanent?"
Dr. Gillespie shook his head. "I don't know. Probably not. Maybe I'll know more after I talk to Chandler. And Monica, just to warn you...If he doesn't remember Matthew, there's a good chance that he might not remember that you are married. The fact that he recognized you is a good sign, but from what I understand, you two were very important to each other even before you fell in love. I need you to be prepared for that possibility. We don't want to tell him anything just yet, though we will have to soon if he doesn't remember much." He looked into Monica's eyes, which were wide with fright and uncertainty. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah, I'm ready." She swallowed hard and followed the doctor into her husband's room. Chandler was lying there quietly, staring at the ceiling. He looked up when they entered, and smiled tentatively.
"Mon? Where'd you go?"
Monica smiled when she heard him say her name, hoping that was a good sign. He also sounded much more awake than he had a few minutes ago. She went over to his bed, and kissed him on the cheek before she answered.
"This is Dr. Gillespie. He's been your doctor since we found out you had cancer. He's here just to check and make sure you're doing okay."
"Hello, Chandler. I know that you don't remember me, but I'm happy to see that you're doing so well. The surgery was successful, I might add. It looks like you'll be just fine."
Chandler looked relieved, though he didn't know what he was talking about.
"Well, that's always good to know, even if I don't remember having a tumor." He laughed nervously, and Monica reached over to squeeze his hand.
"Okay, Chandler, I'm going to ask you a few questions. Answer them if you can, but if you can't remember, just tell me you can't, okay?"
"Okay."
"Your name?"
"Chandler Bing."
"Birthday?"
"March 11."
"Job?"
"Data Processor. I guess it's good that I remember that, since none of the rest of you know, huh Mon?" Monica forced herself to smile back, remembering the game he was talking about - when Monica and Rachel had bet their apartment and lost.
"Okay, Chandler, can you tell me about your family?"
Chandler paused and glanced at Monica. When he spoke, it was in a rush. "My mom's a novelist that writes erotic books. She dresses like a teenager and once even kissed Monica's brother. My dad...My dad runs a show is Las Vegas called Viva Las Gaygas."
Dr. Gillespie looked at Monica quickly, obviously wondering if this was true. She nodded quietly, and Dr. Gillespie looked back at Chandler with raised eyebrows.
"Okay...Tell me about your friends."
Again Chandler looked at Monica, but this time with a smile.
"Um, well, there's my roommate Joey." Monica stiffened when Chandler called Joey his roommate. That confirmed what she had realized when Chandler didn't include her with 'family'. He didn't remember their marriage, or any of their relationship, unless he somehow remembered their sneaking around days before they lived together. Chandler didn't notice Monica's reaction, which she was thankful for. She didn't want to have to explain just yet.
"Joey's an actor...Or tries to be anyway. He's a ladies' man, especially when you compare him with me." Chandler smiled the bitter smile that Monica hadn't seen in years. She realized how much Chandler had hurt all of those years, without ever letting anyone know. "Um, he's great. The best friend anyone could ask for. He'd do anything for you, you know?" Monica smiled at his description, knowing it was true. Joey really had a good heart, and he would give up his life for his friends.
"Um, then there's Phoebe. She's kind of...how do you say it nicely? She's spacey. But the nicest person I know." He paused and glanced at Monica. "Almost." They exchanged smiles, then Chandler continued. "She's a masseuse. Then there's Ross. He's Monica's brother, and a paleontologist. He was my roommate in college, and that's how I met Monica, and her roommate Rachel. Rach and Monica live across the hall from Joey and me. Rachel works for Bloomingdale's, and is really into fashion. She's a little bit ditzy, but we all love her, right Mon?"
Monica nodded, smiling. How surprised Chandler would be when he met the new, grown-up Rachel, who was married with a child.
"And then there's Monica. She's...pretty much the best friend I have. I mean, she even "taught" me how to have better sex with my girlfriend - eh, my ex-girlfriend." Kathy. He means Kathy, Monica thought, her mind running like a computer program, trying to deduce an answer. He broke up with Kathy right after we switched apartments. Which was of course after Rach and I lost the game when we couldn't remember what he does. And all that was right before Ross and Emily... "But, you obviously know Mon, so you can see for yourself how great she is."
"Yes, Chandler, and I have. A moment ago, you mentioned an ex-girlfriend. Can you tell me more about your romantic life?" He's trying to see if he remembers me. I might as well tell him that he doesn't. He doesn't remember. Her heart broke as she admitted it, and it was all she could do to keep from breaking down in tears. But Chandler wouldn't understand tears, and she didn't want to scare him.
"What romantic life?" Chandler's voice was bitter, and Monica was reminded again of how he had been before they go together. "Um, basically that consists of two women. Janice - who is the most annoying woman on the face of the planet - and Kathy, who I was crazy about. She cheated on me, though."
"Anyone else?"
Monica's heart skipped a beat when Chandler glanced at her, but he shook his head.
"No, that's about it. There are a couple of other little flings, but those are the only two worth talking about."
"Why did you look at Monica?"
Chandler paused, and looked at her again. His face flushed, and he seemed reluctant to answer.
"Um, well...I, uh... I guess I was just thinking about that time at the beach, when I asked if you would ever consider me for your boyfriend. But you said no. Remember that?" Monica could feel Dr. Gillespie's eyes on her, probably wondering why in the world she had said no. But she was remembering Chandler holding her in the bathtub, telling her that he had been in love with her long before London. She choked back a sob, and looked toward the doctor, begging him with her eyes to continue.
"Chandler, we need to talk about your condition. Monica brought it to my attention, and I agree that it seems that you have a case of amnesia."
"Amnesia?!"
"Yes. You don't seem to remember details from the last few years of your life. We're a little concerned about that. So, I'm going to let Monica ask you some questions now, since she knows you much better than I do, and try to decide just how much you do remember, and how much you don't. Okay?"
Chandler looked at Monica, bewildered. She nodded quietly, trying to be reassuring. "It's true, Chandler. I know you probably think you do remember, but there's a lot of things you don't seem to know. So let's just try to figure it out, okay?"
Chandler nodded, looking at her for answers. Monica glanced at the doctor. She knew about the time period now, anyway. His memory seemed to stop right around the time of Ross's wedding to Emily, which, ironically, was when their life together started. She took a deep breath, and decided to make it quick.
"Do you remember Emily?"
Chandler thought for a second, then his eyes brightened. "Yeah. Ross is going to marry her." He stopped and looked at Monica. "Did he?"
"Um...yeah...but no. It's a long story, Chandler. They're not married now."
"They're not?"
"No...So you remember their engagement. Do you...do you remember London, Chandler?"
Chandler paused and thought again. "Well, I can remember the plane ride. And Joey and that stupid map. But I can't remember the wedding..."
"The rehearsal dinner?" Monica could barely get the words out. After the rehearsal dinner was when they had gone up to his room. If he remembered this much...
Chandler shut his eyes, thinking hard, obviously trying for her sake to remember.
"No, I don't think I remember that."
Monica nodded, and turned to Dr. Gillespie. "I think we've got it. He remembers things up to the day of the rehearsal dinner, but everything afterwards..." She stopped, knowing that "everything afterwards" in his life had everything to do with her.
"Chandler, will you excuse us for a moment?"
Chandler nodded, obviously still very confused. "Sure..."
Dr. Gillespie led Monica into the hallway. As soon as she was out of Chandler's room, the tears started to fall.
"Monica, listen to me. This is most likely only temporary. He remembers too much for it to be something permanent. He just lost the past few years. Tell me, was this wedding a big turning point for him?"
Monica almost laughed at the question, in spite of her worry. Of course it was a turning point for Chandler. It had been for both of them. London was when they finally left the past behind and began to be happy. She looked up at the doctor. "Yes. My brother's wedding in London was when Chandler and I got together."
Dr. Gillespie nodded. "That makes perfect sense. He's forgotten everything since then, because that was when he became, in many ways, a different person. So, don't take it personally that he doesn't remember your history. It's a compliment of sorts. I'm sure that given time to recover from the surgery, he'll get his memory back. About how long ago was this wedding?"
"Um...about seven years. But..." Monica glanced away, wondering what to do. "What do we do in the meantime? Until he remembers I mean. When he comes home, it will be to our house. We can't keep Matthew away from him forever. What, how much do we tell him?"
"Well, you will obviously have to tell him you're married, as well as the fact that you share a son. You can fill him in on some of the details, enough to satisfy his questions. But try not to tell him too much. We want him to remember on his own. And, Monica..." Dr. Gillespie paused, trying to decide the best way to tell her what he needed to say. "You're not showing yet. And you won't be for a couple of months. I would hold off telling Chandler about the baby until some of this shock has worn off. Too much might be just that. Too much."
Monica, though surprised, took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. So how do I know when I'm telling him too much?"
"Just give him the basics. You're married, Matthew, update him on your friends. Answer his questions, but don't elaborate more than you need to. He'll ask how you got together. Tell him. But don't tell him every detail of your life together. Try to appease him, make him comfortable, but leave some things for him to discover."
Monica nodded, wondering how she could do that. After a long moment, she turned back to the doctor. "Are you coming back in?"
Dr. Gillespie shook his head. "No. I'll let you talk to him in private."
Monica nodded and turned to go into the room. Suddenly, she turned back.
"Doctor, could you do me a favor and let my friends know? I want them to be prepared. And tell Ross not to bring Matthew until I come for him, okay?"
"Sure. Monica, I'm sorry. I had no idea this could happen, or I would have warned you."
Monica forced a small smile. "Thanks. But I know it wasn't anyone's fault."
Dr. Gillespie nodded and placed a hand on her arm, squeezing it gently before he walked away, leaving her to give Chandler the shock of his life. She opened the door slowly, and closed it behind her before she turned to look at him. He still looked bewildered.
"Mon?" His voice sounded like a little boy, scared and lost. "Monica, who's Matthew?" She saw the anxiety in his eyes, and knew that he knew Matthew was someone important. She had to answer the questions in his eyes, but she wasn't sure how to do it. She crossed the room to his bed, and carefully took his hand. He watched her closely, wondering why her eyes were filled with tears. Finally, Monica took a deep breath, and looked up at him.
"Chandler, there are some things that you don't remember that I have to tell you. Dr. Gillespie told me not to tell you too much, because he wants you to remember on your own. And he thinks you will, really soon. But, in the meantime, I have to tell you about some things that have happened since Ross's wedding in London. You won't be able to understand much unless I tell you some things about your life now. I know you'll have a lot of questions, but try to just ask me the big ones, okay? I'll answer them as much as I think I can, but I'm going to try not to give you all of your memories."
Chandler nodded, his eyes urging her to go on. Monica looked down at their hands, and began to speak in a quiet voice, deciding to answer his question first and explain later.
"First of all...Matthew is - Matthew is our son."
She heard Chandler's quick intake of breath, but didn't look at him. She hated knowing he didn't remember Matthew. Somehow, that hurt worse than knowing he didn't remember anything at all about his relationship with her.
"Wh- We have a son?" She looked at him then, seeing the extreme shock in his eyes. "US??? Um, how, when, where, h-" He shook his head as if to clear it. "What?"
Monica nodded. "I'll show you a picture of him as soon as I can get my wallet from Ross. See, when we were in London for Ross's wedding, you and I...We kind of...slept together."
Chandler didn't look quite as shocked by that piece of information, which made sense, considering she'd already told him they had a son. But he was still stunned.
"And I...You...I got you pregnant?"
"No! Well, yeah, but no! Not then."
"We did it more than ONCE?"
Monica smiled at his astonishment. Of course he would be surprised. As far as he could remember, it hadn't been that long since she had told him he wasn't boyfriend material.
"Yeah, sweetie. We did it a lot more than once. See...after we slept together in London, we started dating."
"You...and ME?" She smiled again, although she was fighting tears the whole time. He was so cute, although she wished he wasn't so incredulous. She hated for him to think he wasn't good enough for her. He had made her so incredibly happy, and she wanted him to know that.
"Yes! You and me. We kept it a secret from the others for awhile, but they found out. But by then...We were in love."
"Love." He said it simply, unbelieving. Monica squeezed his hand, trying to give him a bit of assurance.
"Yes, Chandler, love. And then, to make a really long story pretty short, about three years after we got together in London..." Her voice trailed off as she slowly held up his left hand, so that he could see the ring on his finger. He stared at it, then looked at her, his eyes wide. Without breaking their locked gaze, he reached for her left hand and lifted it so that he could see her ring finger. He finally looked away from her to look at her hand next to his, gazing at their wedding bands and her engagement ring. Monica watched his face, knowing that he would come to his own conclusion.
"You...and me?" He seemed to be stuck on those two words. And his voice was still absolutely incredulous.
"Yeah." Monica's smiled, allowing her love for him to show in her eyes. "You and me. We've been married for a little more than four years. And, almost three years ago, our son - Matthew - was born." She desperately wanted to go on and tell him about the new baby, but she stopped herself. Dr. Gillespie was right, and besides, she wanted him to remember that on his own.
"Thank God." Monica looked at him, a question in her eyes. He smiled slightly and tried to explain himself. "I was afraid...when you said Matthew, I was afraid I might have made a, um, a lifestyle choice." Monica grinned at that, and squeezed his hand.
"You did. But not that choice. You decided to make a commitment - to me, to marriage, to our family."
Chandler nodded slowly, still looking skeptical. "I didn't think I'd ever find someone that I would love enough to do that. And it was you...Four years? We've been married four years?"
"Four years, sweetie. And they've been the happiest four years of my life. Since I fell in love with you, each day has been even better than the one before. We have a good life, Chandler. And we love each other so much."
Chandler nodded, still shell-shocked by all the information he was expected to absorb. "Of course we would." He appeared to be talking to himself, but then realized Monica was still there and looked up at her again. "God, Monica, this is just too much. I feel like that kid in that old movie. The one where the kid wakes up and it's like ten years in the future? What was it called? We watched it once. Joey rented it. Said he loved it when he was a kid."
"Flight of the Navigator." Monica could remember that night. They had watched the movie not too long after Rachel had moved in.
"Yeah, that's it. He has no idea what's going on. And everyone's changed but him..."
Monica nodded silently. "And his parents and sister are so glad to have him back, but he doesn't even know them anymore."
Chandler looked up at her, eyes suddenly wide.
"I know you, Mon. I might not know everything about our life together, but I know you. It's not the same."
Monica tried to smile and nodded, but she was unconvinced.
"Monica...
"No, Chandler, it's fine. I know you didn't mean to. I'm just..." She couldn't tell him that she was even more emotional than usual because of the baby. She let the thought go unfinished, hoping Chandler would understand. He didn't push her. After a few moments of silence, Chandler spoke again, feeling the need to put some of his amazement into words.
"I can't believe this. I'm married. To YOU! And we have a son... Monica, this isn't some sort of trick is it?"
She laughed at the sudden anxiety in his eyes, releasing her tension. In a moment, she was back to as normal as she could be under the circumstances.
"No, sweetie. It's not a trick. It's all true. Actually, hold on just a minute. I'll be right back."
Monica ran out of the room, and found a nurse.
"Can you do me a huge favor and go down to room 331? That's my husband's room. There are several pictures on the table beside the bed. Could you get them and bring them back to me?"
The nurse nodded, happy to oblige, and started down the hallway. Monica returned to Chandler's room, and sat down beside him again.
"I sent the nurse to your room to get some pictures for you. Maybe that will help you to cope with the shock of it all."
"Thank you. Monica, I'm so sorry that I don't remember...I don't know how I could forget all this! Please, please don't...Don't take it personally, Mon. Trust me, if I have this kind of life, especially if it's with you, it would be the last thing I would want to forget." He was starting to cry again. Monica squeezed his hand, reluctant to get much closer to him in his vulnerable state, and tried to ease his guilt.
"Sweetie, it's okay. The doctor told me that it's actually quite common. He says that London was a big turning point in your life, and that's probably why you can't remember anything after it. He said that in some ways, you became a new person - both of us did - and that's probably why you don't remember."
"Man, I can't believe this. I'm married to you. The woman of my dreams."
Monica looked up, surprised and touched. "Really?"
"Well, yeah Mon. You've...Well, I've always had a bit of a crush on you." Chandler's cheeks got a little red, and Monica couldn't help but smile at the irony. She was about to speak again when the door opened.
"Ma'am? Here are those pictures." Monica rushed to take them from her, and quickly looked through them, deciding to show him the one of the gang first.
"Here you go, sweetie. You should recognize all of these people. And now would be a good time to tell you about them. Joey and Phoebe got married just a couple of days ago, here at the hospital. They brought the wedding to us, since we couldn't go to L.A."
"L.A.?"
"Yeah, Joey and Phoebe moved out there about a year ago. Joey got a role in a movie, and Phoebs went with him. They're doing really well. Joey's already gotten two more movie offers."
"Wow. I wish I could remember all this..." Chandler's voice was wistful, and Monica squeezed his hand, knowing how frustrated he must feel.
"Ross and Rachel are married too." At Chandler's surprised look, Monica continued quickly. "I know, the last you remember, he was marrying Emily. But, he said Rachel's name at the altar."
"No."
"Yeah. Well, they still got married, but Emily left right after the wedding. Anyway, after a lot of chaos, they eventually ended up getting divorced."
"And Ross married Rachel."
"Right. Actually, they got married the first time in Vegas. They were really drunk. And, a side-note, you and I almost got married that same night in Vegas, but we got caught up in Ross and Rachel and decided against it. Anyway, when they sobered up, they ended up getting a divorce. Years later, after you and I had already been married a year or so, they got married for real. And they have a three-month-old son, Jackson."
"Rachel has a baby?!"
"Yeah. And boy, is he a cutie."
Chandler smiled. "Can't wait to meet him." He paused and looked at her, his eyes troubled. "Speaking of meeting people... Is one of those of Matthew?"
Monica tried to smile, and kissed him tenderly on the forehead as she placed the picture of the two of them in the park with Matthew in his hands.
"That's us, obviously, and Matthew. Rachel took it at the park just a couple of months ago."
She watched as Chandler's eyes filled with tears. "Oh my God. I didn't really believe it until now. We, we really have a little boy!"
"Yeah. Isn't he beautiful? He loves you so much. Almost as much as I do."
"Oh my God. This is my son." Chandler looked at Monica, and brushed a tear away from her cheek, not even realizing that they were running steadily down his own face. "He's amazing, Mon. Man, I can't believe that I have a little boy." He glanced up at her, a gentle smile curving his lips. "And...you and I...We really look like we're in love."
"We are, Chandler. I know it's hard to take my word for it, but we are. Here's one of our wedding pictures."
Chandler took it, and gazed at it for a long time. "Monica, you are so beautiful. God, I have to be the luckiest man alive." He finally looked up, wiping impatiently at the tears on his face. "And I don't even remember it. How can I not remember this? How can I not remember you? Our son? Mon, I'm so sorry..."
"Shh. Sweetie, you can't help it. And you will remember. Soon. You have to." She leaned over to pull him carefully into her arms. She cradled his head against her chest and let her own tears run down her face and drop onto his hair as she kissed his forehead gently. After a few moments, she realized that while holding him was the most familiar feeling in the world to her, he wouldn't remember ever being in her arms as more than a friend, and might be uncomfortable. She released him reluctantly, and he looked up at her, obviously still frustrated by this lack of memories, but not seeming to be adversely affected by the hug. After a long, awkward silence while they stared at each other, Chandler finally spoke again.
"What's that one of?" Chandler gestured toward her hand, where she held one more picture. Monica looked down, and couldn't help but smile. She gave him the picture, and watched the tears well up in his eyes again as he looked at it.
"That's Matthew, of course. I gave you this picture a couple of weeks ago, right after you started chemo."
"Oh, man. He is...Amazing, Monica. So amazing. He looks like you."
"Yeah...We've always fought about that. You think he looks just like me, and I swear that he's the spitting image of you! Matty's his father's son. He really adores you. In fact, he's waiting now to be able to see his daddy..."
Chandler looked up, startled. "He's here?"
"Yeah. He's out in the waiting room with the rest of the guys.
Chandler swallowed hard, and looked back at the picture of his son sleeping. When he looked back at Monica, his eyes were determined. "I want to see him."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Don't you think I deserve to meet my son?"
"Of course. But are you sure you're ready?"
"I'm ready. I...I think I'm in love with him already."
Monica smiled, wiping away her tears. "That's what you said when they gave him to you in the delivery room the day he was born."
Chandler's eyes widened. He looked at Monica, realizing for the first time exactly what everything she had told him meant. They were married. They had a son. Somehow, he had made her love him. And she said they were happy. They had a good life. They were in love. None of it made any sense to him, but he knew that the life he had woken up to was a thousand times better than the one he remembered. And he was about to meet his son. A child he shared with Monica, whom he had loved...for years. But he couldn't remember any of it.
"I'll go get Matthew. And then the others will want to see you. I told the doctor to tell them..."
Chandler nodded, glad that his friends would already know that he couldn't remember. But all he wanted at that moment was to see his son.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. I want to talk to Matty for a minute first, to um, prepare him."
Chandler nodded again, knowing that would be a good idea. Matthew would come in expecting him to know things he didn't, and that would just make things difficult for both of them.
Monica kissed him sweetly on the forehead before she left the room. Chandler looked up at her, surprised, but knowing that she was accustomed to acting like they were in a happy marriage. She left him to contemplate the pictures, and wonder about this life he led that he couldn't remember. She stopped outside the door, fighting to keep control of herself. She couldn't let Matthew see her so upset. After a moment, she walked down the hallway to the waiting room.
They all jumped to her feet when she entered. She sighed and wearily ran her fingers through her hair, looking around at their friends, then at Matthew, who was asleep in Joey's arms.
"Mon? How...how is he?"
Monica looked at Rachel, her eyes giving away her worry and frustration.
"He's actually taking this really well. Telling him about us - and Matthew - was kind of fun. He couldn't believe that we were married, but... He, um, he wants to meet his son." She stressed the word 'meet', and Rachel nodded, understanding. She knew how it must feel for Monica to have to introduce her husband to a child that he was supposed to have known for three years.
"Sweetie, is there anything we can do?"
"Um, actually, Ross? Would you call Mom and Dad and give them the update? And if you can get hold of Chandler's mom, that would be really great."
"Of course. Anything else?"
Monica looked around at her friends, softening under their concerned looks. "No. No, I think we're okay. He took the shock fairly well, although it'll take awhile for it to sink in. Um, I'm going to take Matthew in to see him. I'll come and get the rest of you in a little while. He's anxious to see you."
They nodded, and Monica accepted their comforting hugs. Joey gave up Matthew, and Monica sat down with him in her lap, waking him gently.
"Matthew? Honey, can you wake up for Mommy?" His eyes popped open immediately and he sat up straight in her lap.
"Mommy! Can I see Daddy now?"
Monica pulled him close and kissed him on the forehead. "Yes, sweetie. I'm going to take you to see Daddy. But first, I need to talk to you. Daddy just woke up from the operation, and he can't remember very well right now. He needs time to get better, and then we hope he'll be able to remember everything. But, Matty, if Daddy doesn't know what you're talking about, or seems a little bit different than you're used to, don't let it worry you. He's just fine, but he needs some time to let his mind remember everything."
"Why doesn't he 'member Mommy?"
"I don't know, baby. It has something to do with the operation he had. But I don't want you to worry. Daddy's going to be fine, I'm sure. I just don't want you to be scared if Daddy seems different to you."
"Okay." Monica knew Matthew was confused, but she didn't want to go into it any further. She was afraid Matthew would be upset if he knew Chandler couldn't remember them.
"Okay. You ready to go see Daddy?" She tried to make it sound exciting, though she was scared to death. When Matthew nodded solemnly, she lifted Matthew into her arms, and glanced at her friends. They were all watching her, knowing how hard this was for her. She gave them a small smile, and carried her son down the hallway to his father's room. She stopped outside the door, and looked at Matthew.
"Sweetie, remember you have to be careful with Daddy. He just got out of an operation. Don't jump on him or hug him too tightly, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy." Matthew's face was serious, but his eyes showed his excitement over seeing his father again. Monica sighed and prayed that the meeting would go well, for Matthew's sake as much as Chandler's.
"Chandler? Honey, Matthew's here." She walked into the room slowly, carrying Matthew. At his first sight of Matthew, Chandler's face broke into a huge grin. Monica noticed, relieved, that he didn't cry. She was afraid that tears would scare their small son. She glanced at Matthew and couldn't hide her own smile when she saw that her son's face bore a grin that matched his father's.
"Daddy!" Monica placed him carefully on the bed, and watched as Matthew kissed his father several times, then placed his little hands on either side of Chandler's face, smiling into his eyes. Chandler was looking at him, grinning, no trace of tears on his face.
"Hey...son."
Matthew looked at Chandler seriously. "Daddy, are you all better now?"
Chandler glanced at Monica, wondering if she had told him. Monica broke in, trying to ease the situation.
"Daddy's a lot better than he was, Matthew. But you remember that I told you that Daddy needs a little bit of time to get all the way better. And that he might forget some things or not be able to pick you up or play with you for a little while."
"(the patented Monica) I know! Mommy, you just told me!" Chandler and Monica both laughed at the impatience in their son's voice, and Chandler looked at her with a grin.
"He sounds just like you, Mon."
Monica looked at her husband and nodded quietly. She was glad when Matthew took his father's attention once again.
"So when are you coming home, Daddy?"
Chandler looked up, a little startled by the question. Monica could tell that he hadn't given a thought to leaving the hospital and going "home" to a life he didn't know.
"Um...I'm not sure, son. Monica? Do you know?"
"Yeah." She ran a hand over Matthew's head, smoothing back his bangs. "Daddy needs to stay here for about a week, darling. Then he'll come home with us."
"Yay!" Matthew bounced up and down in his excitement, and Chandler watched him, his face happy but his eyes thoughtful. He pulled Matthew toward him, and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.
"I can't wait, Matty." Monica turned her head toward Chandler quickly, surprised that he had used Matthew's special nickname. They rarely called him anything but Matthew. In fact, they made a conscious effort to call him by his full name. But "Matty" had become a pet name both used when they were feeling especially affectionate.
Chandler saw her quick look and wondered if he had said something wrong. But when he caught her eye, she was smiling. Impulsively, she leaned over and kissed him, very lightly, on the lips. Immediately, she regretted it. She knew he wouldn't understand the meaning behind the kiss, and the love for him that prompted it.
Chandler stared at her for a moment, before realizing that Matthew would most likely wonder why "Daddy" was reacting like that to a simple kiss. But the truth was, it was the first time - to Chandler - that she had kissed him. It took his breath away. He wanted to pull her to him and kiss her more deeply, but Matthew brought him back to reality before he could let his emotions take over.
"Daddy?" Each time he heard that word come out of Matthew's mouth, he felt his heart skip a beat. Even though he couldn't remember the child, he still felt an unmistakable bond. And he knew that he already loved this little boy more than he could ever put into words.
"Yes, Matthew?"
"I'm glad you're better now. I missed you." To the surprise of both his parents, Matthew was suddenly biting his lip and letting tears run down his rosy cheeks.
"Aw, son. Don't cry." Chandler pulled Matthew into his arms, even as Monica was reaching for him. Seeing Monica sitting uncertainly on the edge of the bed, Chandler held out his other arm to her, and she smiled as she joined their hug. Chandler was overwhelmed by the knowledge that he was holding his son and his wife in his arms. He closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that he knew would only frighten Matthew more. He moved his head so that he could kiss Monica gently on her temple. She looked up, a little surprised, and he mouthed "thank you" to her, nodding his head toward the child crying against his chest. Monica gave him a full smile and nodded, then mouthed it back to him.
"Matthew, son, you don't know how happy I'll be to be home with you and your mommy. I know you've had a rough few weeks, son, but you've been so good, and so brave. Mommy and I are so, so proud of you. You don't have to cry son. We're both right here. You don't have to be scared."
Monica subtly wiped a tear from her eye. Just watching him was Matthew now was almost as emotional as it had been when she had watched him hold their son for the first time just minutes after he had been born. Chandler was still a wonderful father. He seemed to automatically know just what to say. Watching him now made it hard to believe that he really couldn't remember.
Matthew finally ceased his crying, and sat up in the bed.
"You won't leave again, will you Daddy?"
Chandler looked at Monica, helpless. He knew as well as she did he couldn't promise that. Even if he was given a clean bill of health, the cancer could come back at any time. Instead of making a promise he might have to break, Chandler looked at his son, and kissed him on the forehead.
"Son, I can't promise. Daddy's been very sick, and I might get sick again. We don't think I will, but if I do, I might have to come back to the hospital so I can get better again. But I promise, I'll try as hard as I can to never have to leave you again."
Matthew's face fell with Chandler's first words, but he managed to smile anyway. "Okay, as long as you try to stay good. I don't want you to leave me and Mommy again."
Chandler looked up at Monica, surprised by how quickly he had adjusted to the fact that she was his wife. He gave her a smile, which widened when she smiled back. "I don't want to leave again either, son."
Monica stepped in then. "Matthew, we need to let Daddy get some rest. Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel are going to come see Daddy for a few minutes, then they will take you home. Okay son?"
"Okay, Mommy." Chandler smiled at their obedient son. Monica had done well with him. Or maybe they both had, he didn't know.
"Good night, Matthew." Chandler hugged him close, then pressed his lips against his little forehead, reluctant to pull away.
"Night, Daddy. I love you."
"I-love you too, Matthew."
Matthew gave his father a wet kiss on the cheek, then allowed Monica to lift him out of the bed. She put him down, then leaned over to kiss Chandler on the forehead. He smiled up at her, putting her mind at ease about showing affection.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll send Ross and Rachel in, so they can go ahead and take Matthew home."
Chandler nodded. "Okay. I'll see you in a while then."
Monica smiled, then lifted Matthew, prompting him to blow kisses to his father, which Chandler returned. Monica had to take several deep breaths to keep from crying as she carried Matthew out of the room, and down the hallway. She hated to leave him, but at the same time she knew that she would welcome the time to be alone with her thoughts while the others visited Chandler. She didn't want to answer his questions or see the confusion in her eyes. She wanted her husband back to normal, and he was anything but.
"Hi."
Chandler looked up quickly, and sighed with relief when he saw Monica standing in the doorway. He'd grown tired of visitors, though he loved his friends. They had all questioned him with their eyes, if not with their voices. Somehow, Monica made him feel safe, secure.
"Hey."
"How are you feeling?"
Chandler sighed and looked at her. "I don't know. I mean, I'm fine I guess. But I can't believe...I'm really confused, and frustrated, and...I don't know, I feel like I'm suspended in some kind of alternate reality. It really sucks, Mon."
"I know." Even though she was still across the room from him, he could tell that she had been crying. And she was rubbing her neck like she always did when she was upset. It struck him that she probably did know. Of all people, this woman he was supposed to be married to would be most affected by his lack of memory. He suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of guilt for putting that look in her eyes. He knew how it felt to have no memories about things that were supposed to be important, but he could hardly begin to imagine what it would be like to be in Monica's position - knowing and living their life, and facing a husband that didn't remember any of it.
"C'mere, Mon." He saw the reluctance in her eyes, but he held out his hand to her, and she finally came over to his bed, and sat gingerly on the side of it.
"I'm sorry, Monica. I hate it that I don't remember...but this affects you just as much as it does me. I know that if I'm this frustrated...you must be a hundred times worse. I mean, you can remember, and you're stuck with a husband that doesn't even remember having a baby with you." He brushed her cheek gently, wanting to connect with her in some way. Even though he liked the idea of being her husband, he still wasn't sure what to do with it. He didn't feel comfortable kissing her, or even holding her really. He didn't know what to do, but he desperately wanted to make the look of pain in her eyes go away.
Monica closed her eyes when his hand touched her face, trying to keep the tears from escaping her eyes. She couldn't cry. Chandler was going through enough. He didn't need to see how upset she was. But he was right. The fact that he couldn't remember was tearing her up. She had broken down in tears as soon as Ross and Rachel had returned from Chandler's room and taken Matthew home. Even when Phoebe and Joey returned to the waiting room, she had had to sit there for a long time before she felt ready to go back into his room. Now that it had sunk in, it was so much harder to deal with. It had been almost - fun - to tell him they were married and had a son. But now, she felt only heartache. And she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Was she supposed to tell him how much she loved him? Hold him? Kiss him? Act like a wife or like his friend Monica? She finally opened his eyes and looked at him. He was watching her, his eyes intent. Probably wanting some sort of sign as much as she did.
"Monica?" His voice was soft, scared, unsure. She couldn't bear the uncertainty. He reached for her hand, and held it tightly, trying to find some sort of stable ground. All he knew was that she was the only thing he wasn't scared of. "Monica, please. Don't cry." He was pleading, just as he always had. He hated to see her cry. Monica wiped a hand across her eyes, and looked toward the ceiling, trying to get control of herself. Chandler released her hand, and reached for her shoulder, pulling her gently down onto the bed and into his arms.
After a moment of uncertainty, she relaxed a little and allowed herself the comfort of his arms. He held her close and stroked her hair gently, hoping she would calm down. He hated to see her upset. They needed to talk about some things. He still had a lot of questions. And he had to know how she wanted him to act, what he was supposed to do. For a fleeting moment, he let himself think about how perfectly she seemed to fit into his arms, but he pushed the thought away quickly. He couldn't handle it right now.
Meanwhile, Monica just closed her eyes and let herself think that everything was normal, as it should be. That Chandler was holding her like he always did - that his arms felt the same. But she knew something was different. She could feel it in her heart, even if everything else seemed perfectly normal. She suddenly started and pulled away.
"Chandler, I can't..." She saw the surprise and the quick flash of pain in his eyes when she pulled away. "It's not... I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that everything is okay. I can't just let myself think that you know who I am. It just - it hurts." She stood up, and moved a couple of steps away from the bed.
"I know. It hurts me too. Because I don't know what normal is for us. Normal to me is sitting next to you on the couch at your place, listening to you complain about your mother. To me, normal is having you as my best friend. Normal is...anything but what I woke up to today. But I like the thought of this new life. I can see that I was happy, Monica. How could I not be happy, if I'm sharing a life with you? I want to remember, Monica. You don't know how badly I want to remember."
Monica glanced at him and sighed. She knew she had to get past her doubt and fear. Chandler needed her. He had to be feeling terrible, and she wasn't helping any. She made herself look into his eyes, and melted at the combination of uncertainty and concern for her. She bit her lip, then reached for his hand.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry that this happened, and that I'm acting like this. But I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here. Chandler...I know that you don't remember...us...but I love you. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. You, my darling, are my life. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but I can't look at you and not say it. So just tell me what you want me to do. How I should act, what I should say. Because I'm completely lost here. Maybe even more lost than you are."
Chandler couldn't hide his smile when he heard her saying that she loved him. He had honestly thought he'd never hear those words from her, but she was saying them. He squeezed the hand that held his, and lifted it to his lips, kissing her fingers.
"Thank you. I'm glad we're lost together."
Monica smiled. She had seen the smile that crossed his face when she said she loved him. Abruptly, she changed the subject, hoping to make herself think about something else.
"Why'd you call Matthew 'Matty'?"
Chandler looked at her, surprised by the sudden question.
"Umm...I don't know. You called him that when you were telling me about him. I just...I guess it just slipped out. Is that, um, okay? Should I not have called him that?"
"No, no. It's fine. In fact, it was good. We, um, we don't call him that very often. It's kind of a special nickname for him. I think it made him feel better when you used it today. I just, um, wondered." She paused for a moment, then spoke again, quietly.
"You were great with him. I guess that proves that I was right when I said you were a natural daddy. You did and said exactly what he needed."
Chandler smiled and looked down.
"He's wonderful, Mon. He's so cute, and so well-behaved, and so...perfect."
"I know. He is. He's...the best thing that ever happened to me, to us."
Chandler nodded. "I can believe that." He looked at her closely, then grinned. "So, you finally got your dream, huh Mon? Happily married, with a beautiful kid... Who would have ever thought I would be the one to give it to you?"
Monica laughed. "Nobody, that's for sure. Even our friends were dubious once they finally found out we were together."
"Yeah, so why did we keep it a secret?"
Monica paused for a moment, debating on whether to tell him. She was afraid to tell him too much. She finally decided to tell him, but not to give him all the details.
"Um, when we first got together, it wasn't supposed to last. It was just supposed to be a London thing. So, we didn't tell anyone. When we got back to New York, it continued, but the secrecy made it exciting, so we kept it that way. It was really fun, actually, sneaking around, trying to find time together without raising their suspicions. Finally, Joey figured it out, but we made him keep it a secret, because we didn't want to turn into Ross and Rachel. And we didn't want the added pressure of our friends getting involved, especially if it didn't work out."
"But everyone did find out?"
"Yeah."
"How'd they react?"
"They were really happy for us. It's a long story, but when they confronted us, you said you loved me. It was the first time you said that. So, they were just happy that we had both found someone to love."
"Did you say it back?"
Monica gazed at him, a soft smile crossing her face. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."
Chandler smiled, too, trying to imagine the scene. "It must have been wonderful."
"It was."
"Monica...What made you fall for me? How did I ever make a woman like you love me? You said I'd always be the guy that peed on you."
Monica smiled at the memory, then looked at her husband. "I didn't have a choice. It was fate. And once it started, I didn't look back. I fell, head over heels. And the best part was that I fell in love with my best friend."
"It sounds like everything was perfect."
"Not perfect. We had our times. I mean, up to the minute you proposed you had commitment issues. And every marriage has its moments. But none of it ever mattered in the end."
Chandler was quiet for a moment as he contemplated that. Monica gazed at him, aching to touch him, to kiss him. After a long moment, she spoke, knowing that she had to have an answer to her questions too.
"What am I supposed to do Chandler? Am I supposed to act like your wife, or just your friend? Do I kiss you good night? Is it okay to hold you? Can I say that I love you? Do I just hold your hand and talk to you? How...what are we supposed to be?"
"I don't know, Monica. I don't know what to do either. When you kissed me today, when Matthew was here, it was amazing. I wanted to kiss you again, but I don't know...I don't know whether it's Husband Chandler inside me that wants to, or if it's just...a natural impulse to kiss a beautiful woman. And you would not believe what it feels like to hear you say that you love me, but ... I'm just as confused as you are. I don't know what to do either."
Monica gave him a tiny smile and got up from the bed, walking over to the window. She gazed out at the lights of New York, wondering what she was supposed to say now. After a moment, she turned back to him, but didn't move from the window.
"I want to be your wife, Chandler. I want to act like your wife. But, I don't want to be the wife of a man that has no idea what our marriage is. And I know you'll remember. I hope that it's soon, sweetie. Because I don't know how long I can stand it. But until you do, I think it's best if we leave things the way you know them. I don't want to scare you, pressure you, try to make you feel things that aren't there. It might just make it that much harder for you to remember. And I think it would tear me apart to pretend that we're in a happy marriage when I know that you don't..."
Chandler watched her carefully, and couldn't help but feel relief at her words. He didn't want that either. He didn't want to feel like he was playing a role, and he knew that's exactly what he would be doing. Besides, he had enough to worry about without trying to figure out what to do about Monica.
"I agree. I think it's best if we don't...pretend. For both of us. But, Mon, what about Matthew?"
Monica paused, contemplating. Matthew needed to see his parents as he knew them.
"I don't know. Maybe we should just tell him..."
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"No...No, I don't think that's a good idea. I think Matthew needs normal. He's been through a lot the past couple of weeks, with you away from home. And, poor boy, he's spent much more time with Ross and Rachel than he has with me. Most of the time I was there, he was asleep. I know he wouldn't understand the concept of amnesia. I think he would just be hurt to know that you don't remember us."
"If normal is what Matthew needs, then normal is what we'll give him. Mon, we both know that our own discomfort doesn't mean anything if he needs something else. So, when he's around, we'll hug and kiss, like I assume we usually do. When he's not, we're...friends."
It hurt him to say it, though he wasn't sure why. He did see her flinch, though, as if his words were a physical blow. He watched her helplessly as she nodded slowly, turning back toward the window again. When she spoke, he knew that she had turned to hide her tears.
"Friends."
"Monica, if-"
"No, Chandler. You're right. It's best if we're just friends. Until-"
She didn't finish, but Chandler knew he could finish the thought. Until I remember. When I remember, everything will be as it should be. If I only knew what that was.
TO BE CONTINUED....Sometime soon, I hope. =)