Enji balanced the tray laden with a cup and saucer, coffee, cream, sugar, toast, and two kinds of jam on one hand. He raised his fist to knock on the door and paused. It was weird knocking on a door in his own house. But he felt there should be boundaries, and he needed to respect them.
Boundaries were something he had never respected in his life - not his family's, not anyone's. He always crossed the line doing and saying things he shouldn't. He ignored those important barriers, both physical and emotional, irreparably injuring those he should have held most dear.
"No...please," Farrah whimpered on the other side of the door. "Please, don't take it from me."
What is that all about? Is she dreaming?, Enji wondered, pressing his ear to the door.
Farrah was indeed dreaming. So many emotional phantoms had been roused from their slumber being close to him, by airing old grievances.
In her dream, darkness surrounded her. All she could see was Enji in front of her, his broad back covered in the tan school jacket as he walked away. In his hand he held her still beating and bleeding heart he had torn from her chest.
"Give it back!" she screamed, extending her arms with desperately grasping fingers as she ran after him.
He was getting further away from her, disappearing into the void around them. She tried to run but the blackness sucked at her feet, slowing her until she could barely move. Her legs burned with the effort to pull her feet free so she could pursue him. The harder she tried to chase him, to retrieve what he had stolen from her, the more bogged down she became.
Falling to her knees, her hands became stuck in the pliable, tar like darkness holding her immobile. He continued walking, deaf to her pleas, unsympathetic and uncaring.
"Keep the damn thing then!" she screamed bitterly, tears streaming down her face. "But please! Please, don't leave me all alone!" she begged.
In reality, Farrah jerked to wakefulness. Staring wide eyed at the ceiling, sweating and panting, she tried to get her bearings. She was in Enji Todoroki's house, in the room that had become her prison cell, lying in the bed and having a nightmare about him.
"Damn," she muttered, closing her eyes and scrubbing her hands over her sweat dampened face.
The knock on the door startled her since her nerves were already on edge. Without receiving an invitation to come in, Enji entered the room. Of course the warden did not need an invitation.
"Are you okay?" he asked, china rattling when he set the tray down on the table in the corner.
"No. I'm not," she admitted, sitting up in the bed amid the tangle of sheets.
"Bad dream?" He poured coffee into the cup. Hawks had told him she was a major coffee addict so he had brought the entire pot to her.
"Yeah," she replied, her voice slightly garbled from unshed tears.
Enji Todoroki turned to look at her. He folded his arms over his broad chest covered by a red t-shirt that appeared to be at its limit to hold itself together. The jeans he wore fit almost as tightly, appearing to have been painted on. She pondered how long it would take him to extricate himself from those jeans and if it would require a gallon of olive oil and a shoe horn.
"What was it about?" he asked while watching her attempt to unwind herself from the mass of covers twisted around her waist and legs.
"I'd rather not talk about it," she returned in a weak voice sounding as tired as she felt. She had no interest in discussing the content of the dream with the person who had caused it.
Enji stepped closer to the bed, reaching to assist her. Before taking hold of the sheets, he stopped, pulling back his hands.
"Can I help you?" He waited for the barrage of hateful words.
Everything she had said to him last night was true which only made it hurt worse. He could not say he did not deserve the full brunt of her bitter hatred. After all, he had mercilessly broken her heart to further his own self-serving agenda which in turn hurt a hell of a lot more people, particularly the family he chose and made.
Instead of letting loose a string of curse words or insults, she exhaled heavily with defeat. Her chin hung toward her chest, and her arms went limp.
"Yes, I need your help," Farrah admitted.
She had gotten herself so hopelessly entangled she could not even stand up because she would have immediately hit the floor. The muscles in her arms and legs burned, sore from going absolutely nowhere in her dream.
Enji bent down to her taking hold of the puffy coverlet first to unwind it from around her chest. It was a like a half formed cocoon that encased her body from her chest down to her feet. Somehow she had gotten the sheet underneath twisted in the opposite directions. The fitted sheet she had pulled from the mattress had gotten knotted with that as well further complicating things.
"That must have been some bad dream," he commented when she was finally free ten minutes later and sitting on a bare mattress.
The bed would have to be entirely remade. But that could wait. He wadded up the covers and threw them at the head of the bed where the pillows should be, but they had been tossed onto the floor at some point during the night.
"Yeah, it was awful," she agreed but did not divulge details.
Inhaling a deep breath, Farrah moved off the bed. She was still dressed in the clothes Hawks had given her.
"I brought coffee," he said unexpectedly overcome by awkwardness as she looked around as if seeing the room for the first time.
"I'll be right back," she muttered spotting what she assumed to be the bathroom door behind him.
Farrah pressed her back against the wall, sucking in her gut unnecessarily because there was three feet of space between them. She could have easily just walked past him, but she wanted to avoid accidentally brushing against him at all costs.
It was indeed a bathroom attached the bedroom. Thank God. For this to be a traditional house it was loaded with all of the modern amenities. There was a walk in shower with four shower heads, one coming straight down from the ceiling. She would have to give that a try soon.
This luxury spa bathroom was a far cry from the small space and tiny tub she could not even lean back in. Hawks' entire bachelor's quarters could fit into the space taken up by this bedroom and bathroom. But she would have preferred that cramped, humble little apartment to this empty, miserable mansion any day.
When she emerged from the bathroom, Enji was no longer in the bedroom but close by, standing on the porch just outside the wide door he had left standing open. He leaned against one of the thick brown beams, smoking a cigarette and staring out across the yard.
"You're free to go where you want as long as you don't leave the grounds. I'm doing this to protect you," he reminded her without looking at her.
Farrah did not say a word but went to the table. She needed coffee. It was too damn early to have another gut wrenching conversation with him. Once the right amount of cream had been poured in, she stepped out onto the porch to join him.
The traditional decorating extended to the backyard with lots of greenery, rocks, concrete lanterns, and a koi pond complete with bridge. Across the yard near the tall fence there was a gazebo with a low table and cushions in the center. There were screens that could be closed to block out sun or rain but were presently completely open.
"I just don't understand why you're doing this Enji," she said, taking her first sip of coffee. She sighed with pleasure as the caffeine raced through her body giving her a delightful rush. "I have no intention of forgiving you...ever. No matter how nice you are to me."
"I don't expect forgiveness. Not from you and not from my family. I'm not asking for something I don't deserve. I'll tell you like I told my son Natsuo, I am seeking atonement...to make amends for what I've done."
Taking another sip for taste, she realized the coffee was really good beyond a caffeine boost. The man could make a damn good cup of coffee. She went back inside for a refill. When she returned, he was lighting a new cigarette from the one that he had nearly burned down to the filter.
"Do you ever think you've gone too far? That there is no atonement, no penance, for what you've done?" Farrah inquired, referring to his family's mistreatment.
"I hope not. I know I can never take away the pain, the scars..." He paused as the faces of his family flashed through his mind. He visibly flinched when the face his youngest son formed a clear picture in his head. "I can't change the past, but I can be better from here."
"Aren't you worried about your reputation? You are the number one hero after all. You really should not be harboring a criminal."
"I don't give a damn about my reputation. I've already lost everything that is really important."
"Hmmm," she hummed pensively, sitting on the top step of the small flight of stairs that led down to the backyard. "Did you care about Hawks' reputation? Is that why you brought me here?"
"Maybe," he sighed, taking a seat on the other side of the steps from her. His long legs extended down all three steps allowing his feet to reach the rocks below. "He's young and stupid. Impetuous and annoying as fuck but he's a great hero. If he cared more about his hero status, he would have been number one. He might still be at the top some day. My career is close to ending. He's too young to ruin his."
Farrah's stomach clenched with painful intensity. He seemed to stop short of saying "over a woman like you." Enji Todoroki had a way of making her feel completely worthless, as if her life was inconsequential and had no meaning at all. Perhaps that was why she had taken the criminal path, choosing to avenge her father - to give her life purpose and meaning.
"You know I didn't mean that how it sounded," Enji said suddenly, interrupting her thoughts on a runaway track to self-pity and despair.
"Hmph," she scoffed, smiling but with malice. Turning her head to look at him, yet managing to keep her voice low and calm, she asked, "But didn't you mean it that way, Enji? It's okay. You made me aware that I'm not worth it a long time ago."
"Okay, that's enough," he snapped, flicking the half smoked cigarette out into the rocks. "I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't even say...or mean."
"I suppose punishing you after all this time for something you did as a kid is unfair too. I just wish..." She allowed her words to trail off. Lifting the cup to her lips, she took a drink to wet her throat that had dried up completely.
"Yeah, me too. I wish things could have been different. I wish I could take away all the hurt, Farrah."
For some reason, Farrah felt the need to apologize to him. She did not understand why this feeling came upon her when catching a glimpse of his face. Maybe it was the lost and pitiful expression. He looked like a frightened child who had gotten so deep into trouble he had no hope of ever getting out of it. He appeared so damn hurt himself she could barely stand it. Most likely, it was probably the sincerity behind it all which was something she had never seen before.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Enji asked to once again burst through her thoughts.
The shock of his voice caused her bleary eyes to focus, instantly honing in on his glorious turquoise irises. Her insides seemed to heat and melt as she stared into those eyes that she once adored. She had loved to look into those eyes, swimming in their depths until he would close them and kiss her. Her entire body felt hot, her skin prickling from head to toe.
"Oh, god," she gasped, closing her eyes when a smile slowly tugged at his lips.
"Well, you haven't looked at me like that in an awfully long time."
WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?, Farrah wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. Although she wanted to be angry, she was too tired. And what good did it do anyway? Dredging up the past, yelling mean things at him, and getting upset did nothing to take away the pain and the past can't be changed. She slowly opened her eyes to see he was still gazing at her. His eyes were soft, half closed, not budging from her face even when hers met them.
"Did you fall in love with him?" Enji inquired out of the blue changing the subject fast enough to cause mental whiplash.
She smiled, issuing a little chuckle. He had asked her that question before and both times she knew exactly who 'him' was.
"I did," she confessed without hesitation, not to wound him but to be truthful.
Enji did not look surprised, hurt, or disappointed. Actually his expression did not change at all. Maintaining eye contact, blinking slowly, his eyes opened a little wider to allow her to see more of the beautiful blue-green irises.
Farrah inhaled deeply, releasing a long sigh. She casually took a sip of her coffee before continuing.
"I think Hawks and I both had a void to fill created by someone. I loved this person with all of my heart. He admired and revered this person...wanted to be just like them. He put them on a pedestal and when they toppled off, well, it was rough on him."
"Huh," Enji scoffed, looking away from her and pretending to be interested in something across the yard. He folded his arms over his chest. "Who could that be?"
She rolled her eyes. It wasn't like him to play dumb.
"Hawks and I have a singular connection. One person in common," she said, peeking over her coffee cup at Enji as she drank.
Gradually his head turned back toward her. His eyes widened further, going completely round when they connected with hers once more.
"You were very dear to us but in different ways...and you rejected us both. Hurting hearts found common ground. Misery truly does love company."
Enji slid toward her across the step. He took the coffee cup out of her hand, carefully sitting it down on the wooden blanks of the porch behind her.
"You have the sharpest and most deadly tongue of anyone I've met. It's a lie you know," he said, clasping the wrist of her hand flattened on the porch between them.
"What is?" she asked, her eyes switching back and forth between his as he inclined his body toward her.
"The nursery rhyme...sticks and stones may break my bones but," he began. "Words will never hurt me," they finished in unison.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes lowering to his lips that were coming closer and closer to hers.
Enji reached around her, his fingers grazing her hip when he enclosed the wrist of the hand supporting her as she leaned back from him.
"Don't be," he murmured, so close his breath stroked her lips. "I want you to do something for me."
His deep voice, despite the low volume, was thunderous and vibrated through her bones. Her eyes flickered back up to his. She was confused. Was he seducing her? What exactly was going on here?
"Slap me," he commanded her in a breathy voice.
"What?" Her eyebrows pinched together as she grew even more puzzled as to what he was doing.
"Hit me. Slap me. Punch me," he ordered her, raising her hands now clenched into fists up by his face.
Even last night she would have acted on that request without delay. Presently, his eyes shiny with tears gave her pause.
"You said penance right? Well, punish me. I deserve it. I want it." His eyes were positively wild, and he looked out of his mind. "I need it."
"Enji, stop!" she cried out, trying to pull her wrists free. Even when she attempted to twist her wrists and snatch them out of his grasp, he held on tightly not letting her go.
"Hit me!" he yelled in her face. "I would rather be beat to death than endure another day of this guilt and pain! Of knowing there's not a damn thing I can do to take it away from the ones I hurt!"
Farrah granted his request, mostly to bring him back to his senses. Opening her hand and drawing it back, he released her wrist to allow her to issue a slap so hard it made his head snap to the side and imparted a searing pain to her palm.
"Ugh, damn," he grunted, gradually turning his head back to face her.
She trembled so violently her teeth chattered. She had seen him angry before but never driven to temporary insanity by emotional distress.
"I forgot how fucking strong you are," he murmured, pressing his hand to his check which was hot under his palm. No doubt there would be a perfect handprint in crimson from her slap.
Farrah jumped to her feet but did not run away. Instead, she slapped him on the shoulder but not nearly with the force of the strike to his face.
"What's wrong with you?!" she shrieked at him, hitting him across the shoulders again. "Are you crazy?!"
"Heh," he scoffed, receiving another slap on his back as he hunched over to brace his elbows on his knees. "Maybe so."
"God!" she shouted, punching him with a closed fist between his shoulder blades. "You're so stupid!"
Farrah continued to pelt him with her fists across his wide back. A few of her shots were really forceful, knocking the breath out of him at least once. He sat there and took each hit willingly, feeling relief with each pang, every bruising ache left behind.
"So stupid," she sniffled weakly, dropping to her knees behind him when she was too exhausted to stand and smack him anymore. Tears ran down her cheeks, and she did not try to hold them back. A whimper and strangled sob escaped her.
Falling forward, she pushed her forehead into his back between his shoulder blades. He grunted and lurched forward because she hit an excessively tender spot her pummeling had created.
"You're such an asshole, Enji Todoroki," she bawled.
"I know, I know," he agreed.
"I hate you. I hate you so damn much," she said in a warbling voice through her tears.
She did hate him. But unfortunately, in her case, hate was simply love turned on its head, a sweet emotion poisoned by heartbreak. It would be better, less dangerous, to feel nothing at all.
"Why should I do anything to help you?" she panted. "Why should I do anything, even it's beating the hell out of you, to make you feel better?"
"Because maybe, just maybe, it will make you feel better...and help heal you too."
Farrah sat back on her feet, kneeling behind him. She glared at the back of his head still drooping forward as he leaned on his knees.
"Oh, when in the hell did you get so smart? Don't try throwing any of that psychological bullshit at me," she snapped, standing to her feet. "I'm not playing mind games with you anymore."
Turning her back on him, she prepared to go into the her posh prison cell and lock the door. Suddenly she found herself locked in his arms being held in a backwards bear hug with his chest pressed against her back and his mouth levelled at her ear as he bent his hulking frame over her.
"This is no game, Farrah. Don't you understand?" he whispered, squeezing her tightly when she wriggled in his arms. "I'm done messing with people's minds...with their very lives. I'm asking you to help me. And yourself."
Farrah went limp in his arms, closing her eyes.
"I still don't understand what you're asking me to do. And I still don't want to help you," she growled, staying completely still as he continued to hold her in the embrace making it difficult for her to breathe.
"Tell me the definition of penance."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You used the word earlier. Tell me what it means."
"Punishment voluntarily inflicted on oneself as a physical expression of repentance for sins."
"That's right," he murmured, loosening his arms to allow her to inhale deeply but not letting her go. "I've been punishing myself, but I need more. I need you to - "
"Stop please," she cut him off, not wanting to hear more. "So is that why you brought me here?"
"No. It really was to protect you. And Hawks," he added, releasing her at last.
"Hawks is a grown ass man capable of making his own decisions. And guess what?" She poked Enji in the chest, and it was like poking a brick wall. "He choose me."
"You are pure poison, my darling," he stated bluntly, glowering down at her. "He's a kid, and you would have destroyed him. Come on...admit it."
"No longer playing mind games huh?" She snorted derisively, sneering at him. "It's a life long habit you can't stop."
"I'm stating a fact and you know it. You're a villain, and you would have ruined his life," Enji accused her cruelly.
"I'm not a villain," she said, taking a step back from him with a sardonic grin on her face. "I wouldn't dare classify myself as a villain because I'm not quite up to that level of evil yet."
"Yet? Are you working at it?" he asked, grinning at her.
Farrah chose to ignore the smart ass question.
"I am most definitely one of the bad guys though. You're one of the people who helped make me this way."
Rotating on the ball of her foot and tossing her hair over her shoulder, she flounced back into the room. Closing the door, she slid the latch to lock it. A mere shoji screen made of wood and paper, Enji could easily break right through it, but he didn't. On the same token, she could blow a hole through any of these walls, through anything in this house including him, to leave here. But she would stay.
Enji stared at the closed door. His hand involuntarily raised to massage his still stinging cheek. She would always be the fire that could burn him like no other.
A quote he had heard once came to him: "People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes."*
"Well, guess we're going to burn each other to the ground before this is over."
Author's note: *Quote by Abigail Van Buren