Disclaimer: I own nothing nothing except my imagination.
A/N: Thanks again for the love on the last chapter, here's some answers.
Kim sat in front of the tombstone and took a few deep breaths. It was always hard for her to be here, no matter how many years passed, but it was also the only place that she could put order in her head, in her heart. Nathan Upton, the letters were a bold black against the grey granite. Under it read Loving son, brother and husband.
"I know I haven't been to see you in a while, but life has been insanely busy." Kim was sitting cross legged in the grass, her hands clapped together and her knees resting in her elbows. "Hailey is keeping me on my toes, but I don't think that I would be able to do this without her." Her eyes filled with tears. "I know you would want me to move on." A tear slipped from her eye as she thought of Adam telling her the three words that she didn't want to hear from anyone else than Nathan's lips. "I just can't do that." She sniffed. "Every time that these feelings creep up on me, I panic, the single thought of you hating me for feeling something for someone else other than you makes my heart constrict and I can't do it so I detach myself from anyone who makes me feel anything emotional." She breathed deeply, trying to steady her irregular heartbeat. "How am I supposed to move on from you?" She choked up.
"Oh sweetie." Kim registered Hailey's presence but couldn't move to face her. Instead, the grass shifted slightly as Hailey sat down next to her, pulling her into her side and letting her cry it out, silence around them. Kim wrapped her arms around Hailey's waist and just let it all out. They stayed like this long after Kim stopped cying, the two just existing in the same space, their grief surrounding them. "He wouldn't be mad at you for moving on Kim."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do. Do you think that what you're doing with Adam is healthy? Not letting him all the way in, making him think that it can be something more between the two of you but always keeping him at arm's length of your heart?"
"He told me he loved me."
"I know sweetie, I kind of saw you leave and got in his face. He means it you know?"
"I know, that's what makes this so hard. I told him it was just physical, and he agreed with me."
"Physical always ends up tangled with emotions Kim." Hailey ran her fingers through Kim's hair. "And you are too loveable Kim Burgess, Adam didn't stand a chance." A watery chuckle escaped Kim's lips.
"I want to go home."
"Alright." Hailey helped her up. "I miss you big brother." Hailey kissed her fingers and laid them on the cool tombstone. "Are you going to be okay?" She asked, to which Kim nodded. "Alright, call me if you need anything and I'll see you on shift tomorrow."
"Yeah, thanks." Kim waited a few minutes before she spoke again. "I'm going to try Nathan, I promise." She closed her eyes and willed the tears away. "I love you." Her fingers lingered on the tombstone before she walked away.
Adam paced the front room, trying to understand what just happened. He had agreed to her terms from the start, the first time after their eyes had met in that bar.
"Hey dawg, what are doing in here?" Adam stopped his pacing at the sound of Kevin's voice, him and Jay there.
"Um, something happened, Kim just left, this is fucked up." He ran his hands over his face.
"What exactly did you do that could make her leave?" Jay questioned, leaning against the wall. He could see his friend struggling and he was trying to understand why.
"I told her I love her."
"Come on Adam, that's not the deal you made with her." Jay sighed.
"Don't you think I know that?" He blew up. "I agreed to it remember?"
"What's different now?" Kevin wondered, his arms crossed over his chest.
"My feelings did. I couldn't just keep walking around pretending I don't have feelings for her. It started purely physical but every time that I hold her in my arms, it's like a piece of my heart goes to her and I can't take it back, I don't want to."
"You're going to have to figure those feelings out because unless she changes her mind about the whole situation, you're in the doghouse bro."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence Kev." Adam growled. "I'm out of here." He stormed out of his dad's place, leaving the two behind. The drive to his place wasn't quiet at all on the account that his mind was going a mile a minute. He understood that telling Kim he loved her might not have been the best of ideas but in that moment, it had slipped out of his lips and he had meant every one of those three words. What he couldn't figure out is why she was so adamant that their relationship be purely platonic, leaving no room for any kind of feelings to materialize. There was nothing obvious in her life that he knew of that would suggest a hidden trauma that explained it all. He poured himself a glass of whisky as soon as the door was closed behind him trying to make sense of everything but he was failing miserably. All he wanted to do now was call Kim to find out if she was okay but all he could hear was Hailey's voice telling him to give her space so that is what he did, regardless of how he felt.
Kim drove back home and poured herself a glass of wine. She knew that everything that Hailey told her was true. She knew that Nathan would want her to be happy but somehow, she couldn't let go of him and the feelings trapped in her heart. Everywhere she looked in her place reminded her of him, of where he had been on any given day. She was sitting in the armchair where he would read his paper in the morning with a cup of black coffee on the side table until she woke up much later than him. She was drinking out of the glass of wine that he had managed to save from her slippery fingers and the kitchen floor, the only glass she had left in her cabinet. The nightstand on his side of the bed still held the last book he was reading before the night before it all happened, and his clothes still hung in their walk-in. The rational part of her knew that she had to eventually box everything up and give to charity but the un-rational, emotional one was making her keep everything in attempt to stop her feelings for him to seep out of her heart. She emptied the rest of her glass in one swig and padded towards her bedroom. Looking around, she took in every piece of Nathan's memory lingering in the room. To every piece of personal item on his dresser, to the book on his nightstand, every personal item that she hadn't been able to box yet, even if enough time had passed since she lost him. She let her feet take her in the direction she wanted and kneeled in front of her side of the walk-in. She picked up the square box that was at the bottom and removed the lid gently. It was filled with mementos of their life together. The invitation to their wedding, pictures of them along with Hailey at family BBQ's, souvenirs from trips they made together. At the very bottom, she lifted the chain that held their wedding rings and her eyes filled with tears to the brim. It had hurt her to come to the decision to remove them weeks after the funeral and she had steeled her heart from the moment the familiar weight was off her finger. She had met Adam only weeks after and the attraction was instant, at a chemical level and she had made her intensions clear, and he had agreed. But the question she asked herself now was if she had been fair to ask him that. He was a man with emotions and Hailey had been right when she said that they always end up intertwining. She knew what she had to do, what she had to face, crushing the lone tear that fell down her cheek as she came to a decision. She rose to her feet and placed the box on the end of the bed. Kim spent the next hours, tears falling down her cheeks as she moved around her room, removing every trace of Nathan and placing most of it in boxes that she would bring to goodwill in the next days, other things that she couldn't part with, so she put them in a box on the top shelf of his side of the walk-in. It was a painful process but one she knew was inevitable if she wanted to be able to move forward in life, whether it be with Adam, if he was able to move past what she had done today, or any other man. She knew Hailey would always be by her side no matter what she decided to do but this part, she had to stand on her own two feet and do by herself. She owed it to herself to take the next step on her own.
Sitting on the side of her bed, the box sitting under her shaking hand. She knew what she had to do but the fear that was coursing through her veins was hindering her ability to breathe. Closing her eyes and focusing on her breathing, she took a moment to compose herself. Picking up the box, she finally made her next move, hoping it was the right one. The drive through the streets of the city was spent with her fingers tapping against the lid of the box out of nervousness, wondering if Adam would even want to see her after the way she reacted. It took all her strength to get out of her car and walk up the stairs to his door. Raising her shaking hand, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
Adam was sitting in his living room, his glass dangling at the tip of his fingers, the tv playing in the background. His thoughts were on Kim and the scope of their relationship, what he had put into it, what he was willing to if she gave him half a chance, if he wanted something to happen now. It was all swirling in his mind, unable to form a clear path through them. His thoughts were interrupted by the knock on his door. He downed the rest of his glass before standing and he pulled the door open without looking who was knocking at his door so late.
"Kim, what are you doing here?" Adam was surprised to find her on the other side of his door so late.
"I owe you the truth." The words hung in the air and Adam didn't know if he should make a move to let her in or to take a step back and think about his own heart.