A/N: I'm sorry for the delay! This chapter gave me a lot of trouble, I had to rewrite it countless times until it took proper shape. To be honest I'm still not quite satisfied with it, but I just can't be inside Lily's mind anymore and I really need to move on to another POV so I'm done. Considering how messed up this is, I don't expect anyone to like the chapter, but I will still appreciate feedback or at least some reviews to cheer me up (writing this thing seriously depressed me and almost made me drop the story).
Next chapter is Voldemort's POV, so I should be in my element writing it and hopefully that will cheer us all up.
PS. Bear in mind that this chapter happens only a few hours after the last one, even if took me over three weeks to finally finish it. Please be patient. The story is moving in unexpected directions, so everything I had outlined is rather useless now and it might take me time to figure out some chapters.
Chapter 16
"Miss Lily must wake up!" squeaked a familiar high-pitched voice. "Master Snape gave permission to sleep late, but only until noon. Miss Lily has already missed breakfast, she must get up so she can have lunch!"
Lily groaned and curled into a ball under the blankets, desperately wishing she could stay in bed all day. But she knew that the elf would have to punish itself if she didn't eat, and it sounded like she had already missed one meal so unless she wanted the poor creature to spend the entire day banging its head against a wall... With a defeated sigh, she pulled back the blankets and sat up in bed.
"You should have woken me up for breakfast, Dobby," she said as she tried to adjust her eyes to the bright light coming through the window. "I could have eaten something so you didn't have to hurt yourself."
"Dobby didn't have to hurt himself, Miss," reassured her the elf. "Master Snape said this morning was an exception. He said there will be exceptions if he keeps Miss Lily up too late, but also that Miss Lily must eat better after his visits, to replenish her energy. That's why Dobby prepared a special lunch today!"
Lily had finally managed to keep her eyes open and was now staring in surprize at the elf, who not only was bandage-free but looked different than usual. Better dressed, cleaner, its posture somewhat straighter. Overall less pathetic.
Still a slave, like me, she reminded herself bitterly. And still instructed to punish itself for my disobedience. Although it was something to know that Severus would make exceptions in cases like these instead of cruelly forbidding the creature to wake her up for breakfast without clarifying that it didn't have to punish itself for the missed meal.
Heaving another sigh, Lily climbed out of bed, further confused when she noticed that there wasn't a plate of food on the night table yet and that the elf still hadn't popped away to give her some privacy —however illusory— during her morning ablutions.
"Hum, Dobby? Shouldn't you go fetch lunch?" she asked, really hoping Severus hadn't given the creature instructions of staying in the room watching her all day.
"Dobby must escort Miss Lily to the bathroom first!" said the elf enthusiastically, making Lily's heart skip a beat. "Master Snape said Miss Lily is allowed to leave the room to make use of it twice a day, once when she wakes up and once after dinner. Miss Lily is allowed to shower too, if she wants."
No doubt it was all kinds of wrong to feel so grateful at the prospect of having access to a proper toilet, but having feared to spend the rest of her miserable life crouching over a chamber pot Lily couldn't help the rush of emotion. Being allowed to take regular showers also sounded great —she was developing a deep aversion to baths—, and the whole thing gave her some hope that things would not always been so awful. Maybe this meant that Severus felt guilty for what he was doing to her...
It occurred to her when Dobby unlocked the bedroom's door that she should use the opportunity to try to escape, but she dismissed the idea almost at once, certain that Severus wouldn't have authorized this without making sure it was impossible for her to leave the house and that all she could achieve by trying was to lose her new bathroom privileges. She stopped in the middle of the hallway, though, her eyes drawn by the door that she knew led to Severus' childhood bedroom. Lily had only been in there once, on an occasion when she had come to Spinner's End looking for him and his father had sent her up, which had made Severus really angry. At the time she had assumed that he had reacted so badly because he had not wanted her to see the interior of his rundown house —he had always tried to hide from her just how poor he was—, but now she suspected it might have had something to do with not wanting her around his abusive father as well.
Lily hadn't had much time last night to process the terrible revelation, but now that she thought about it she wondered how Eileen could have allowed her son to be hurt by his own muggle father, or why Severus hadn't used his magic to protect or at least heal himself. Unlike her, he had been allowed to use magic in his home when he was underage, since his mother's magic had masked his, but those scars —that she had wrongly assumed had been caused by Dark Magic— were clearly the result of untreated injuries. Had Severus been deprived of his wand when he had needed it? Had he lacked the money to buy himself healing potions or ingredients? Where had Eileen been while that was happening? And when had that happened?
Doesn't your dad like magic?
He doesn't like anything, much.
Severus had said that he had gone to bed every night in pain and bleeding the summer after fifth year, but Lily had the horrible feeling that the violence had started years before, maybe even before she had met him for the first time as children. It would explain a lot, she thought with sadness, particularly his touch issues, and his intense hatred of Muggles. And his anger. Had he been injured when they had met around Cokeworth every summer? How could she have missed it? And why had Severus never trusted Lily enough to tell her? Had he thought she would think less of him because of it? No doubt his stupid pride had stopped him from asking for help, but that wasn't excuse for her not having noticed that he was in pain. She should have at least suspected that something was wrong, but even though Lily had always worried about Severus' homelife and she had known that his father wasn't a nice man, she had never imagined... Even now it was hard to imagine Severus in that position, he had always seemed so untouchable to her, so ready to curse anyone who put a finger on him...
Lily felt a morbid need to search Severus' childhood bedroom for blood stains or other evidence of what had happened there, but Dobby was urging her to keep moving so she finally wrenched her eyes from the door and continued her way through the hallway. To her relief she was allowed to go into the bathroom alone, although Dobby informed her that he had instructions of supervising her shower so for all she knew the elf would be hovering invisibly by her side the entire time. Doing her best not to think of that, Lily enjoyed the glory of sitting on a toilet and verified with further relief that she was not bleeding from her arse. It didn't even really hurt, she was just a little sore, but the uncomfortable sensation made her feel as if she still had fingers inserted in there and filled her with a mixture of anguish, humiliation, fear and shame. Severus had made her feel a lot more violated breaching her anal sphincter than brutally raping her or fucking her without her consent all the other times, and it terrified Lily that next time he might force his brutal member in that unnatural orifice instead of just a few fingers. That would be the ultimate defeat, and she feared it would hurt like hell no matter how much lubricant he used, but what really troubled her was that despite her fear and revulsion she couldn't help but be aroused by the thought of having Severus' massive cock buried deep inside her arse. Lily didn't understand how that could turn her on, but she had to admit to herself that she had been half-relieved, half-disappointed when Severus had chosen to insert his penis elsewhere after all.
Feeling mortified by her conflicting self-admission, she flushed the toilet and moved to wash her hands, regretting the unnecessary action —she intended to take a shower next— when she was suddenly confronted with the mirror above the sink. Lily scowled at her shameful reflection, disgusted by how alive and well she looked. Lines of sorrow should be creasing her face, her hair should have turned white or she should have ripped it off in her grief, but instead not only she looked normal, she could swear that she looked satisfied. Her eyes fell on the bite mark she had on her neck, a little surprized that Severus had neglected to apply bruise balm before leaving. He probably had wanted to leave her a mark of his ownership, she guessed as she turned on the shower and removed her nightshirt, a tingle going through her body at the memory of Severus seductively whispering in her ear that she belonged to him.
Lily stepped into the empty bathtub and closed her eyes, relishing in the sensation of hot water raining down her body and trying to ignore her arousal. What did it say about her that she was so turned on by Severus' possessiveness? Did she really like to feel owned and claimed, or was this just evidence that Severus was twisting everything inside her? He certainly had managed to turn her against her husband with only a few words, and in less than a week he had almost completely overriden the impression that James had spent over three years making on her body, to the point that it wasn't images of her dead husband sucking her nipples that filled her mind as she lathered her breasts with soap, and it wasn't James' cock she ached for when she slid her hand between her legs to wash her throbbing lips. Her sore arse made her feel particularly conflicted, since she had never allowed James to claim that and yet she was secretly looking forward to Severus doing so —she suspected he could make it more pleasurable than painful if he wanted, and her current resentment at James made her root for Severus to win that contest.
Lily shook her head under the shower, disturbed by her own thoughts and emotions. What was wrong with her? Since when was she so weak, wanton and even masochistic? How could she be more angry at James than at Severus? James might have deceived her, lied to her, maybe even cheated on her, but he hadn't killed anyone and he had died trying to protect her and Harry, while Severus... Severus had raped her in front of a crowd of Death Eaters, imprisoned her, used her like a whore, forced her to kneel at his feet, punished her, plotted to murder her husband and son...
She was no longer sure Severus had been as involved in her family's tragedy as she had thought, though. What he had said last night about a Prophecy had thrown confusion over the whole thing and made her consider the possibility that he might not have purposely instigated the death of her baby. At the very least it had sounded like the idea that her son could be a threat to Voldemort had not come out of Severus, which would be a small comfort to Lily even if he still had been the one to take the idea —the Prophecy, she guessed— to Voldemort.
Or maybe that's how Severus had convinced the monster to go after her family, she thought as she rinsed the shampoo from her hair. Maybe Severus had made up a Prophecy to get rid of her husband and son, and Voldemort had played right into his hand and given him Lily as a reward for the false information. That sounded more believable than the existence of an actual Prophecy conveniently suggesting that her child with another man had to be killed, but she dismissed that possibility almost immediately, not only because she preferred to believe that it hadn't been all a plot of Severus but because unfortunately she was certain that he would never lie to his beloved master.
Despite her horror, Lily had had a brief moment of optimism last night when she had thought that Voldemort had tortured Severus to break his will and force him to his knees, since that would have made possible to turn him against the maniac, but now that she knew that Voldemort had actually been the one to help him she was much less hopeful than she had been before seeing his disfigured back. And she was conflicted. Of course nothing that Severus said would convince her that Voldemort wasn't a soulless monster, and she had no doubt that the bastard had taken advantage of Severus' vulnerability to win him to his side, but it was conflicting to know that he had been the only one to pay proper attention to Severus, to notice his pain and give him the help and protection he had desperately needed. If even Lily was unwillingly grateful that at least someone —if an evil someone— had helped him, she could definitely understand why Severus was so devoted to Voldemort.
Lily had already applied conditioner to her hair, but she couldn't muster the energy to actively rinse it. Instead she just stood under the rain of hot water, feeling defeated, ashamed and horribly guilty. She had failed him so completely. She had left him alone when he had needed her the most, turned her back on his pain and his struggle, given him up for lost instead of helping him.
I waited for hours and days in our playground, hoping you would come and forgive me. You never did.
Guilt strangled her stomach. Lily had seen Severus lounging in their playground one afternoon that summer, and she had considered to approach him, but after an excruciating hesitation she had instead walked away, telling herself that nothing had changed, that they had chosen different ways and she should stick to her decision no matter how hard it was, that Severus would only lie or hurt her again if she gave him another chance to talk. It was torture for her heart to know now how much he had needed her in that moment, to imagine him sitting in that swing waiting for her all day, feeling alone and in pain, hoping for forgiveness and comfort that would never come.
Lily had abandoned Severus in his time of need, but apparently Voldemort had been there for him. Looking after him, protecting him, brainwashing him... Severus had received the help and care he had needed from Voldemort, and he seemed perfectly happy being a Death Eater, not the slightest doubt in his mind that he had made the right decision joining a monster. Lily had entertained the hope that she might be able to reach his heart and persuade him to choose her over Voldemort, but that hope had dissolved when she had realized that Severus cared about his master far more than she cared about her. Which was fair, given that she had failed him and hurt him by marrying his bully while apparently Voldemort had only given him reasons to worship him.
It was despairing to know that Lily herself was yet another reason for Severus to idolize his magnanimous master. He spared you for me, Lily. That is how much he cares about me. She had seen the gratefulness in his eyes and heard the adoration in his voice when he had said that, and of course she had been forced to echo his praise and had been punished for disrespecting the monster. Severus was such a devoted supporter and defender of Voldemort that Lily was beginning to think that his main reason for warning his evil master against her son might have been to protect him —assuming there had truly been a Prophecy announcing that her little Harry would have grown up to be a threat to Voldemort—, and much as she wanted to despise him for that she just couldn't. She actually thought that wanting to protect the only person that had protected him would be a better reason to put a target on her baby's chest than lust for her or hatred for James.
Lily leaned against the wall in seek of support and pressed her forehead to the cold tiles, feeling as if she were about to collapse under the weight of her chaotic thoughts and emotions. Everything inside her was so confusing and messed-up that she wasn't sure she could trust anything she felt or thought, although she was pretty sure that everything she was feeling and thinking was wrong. She certainly wasn't feeling what she should for Severus —anger, hate, revulsion— and she suspected that she shouldn't be feeling how she felt about herself —guilty, ashamed, deserving of suffering—, but she couldn't help to blame herself more than she blamed Severus, and to be tormented by every decision she had made that had led to the death of her baby.
You chose to fight in a war and to irresponsibly start a family while you did it. You chose to defy the Dark Lord and to marry an arrogant prick. You chose the wrong side and the wrong man.
Lily had made choices, and now she was facing the consequences. She was certain that she had chosen the right side and that opposing Voldemort had been the right thing to do, but her personal choices were more questionable. Ending her friendship with Severus, dating James, keeping the baby... None of those choices had felt right when she had made them, although she had convinced herself otherwise, and now in retrospect it was clear that she had chosen wrong at each step of the way. Of course she couldn't regret to have kept the baby, but she had been terribly irresponsible bringing a child to the world when both she and James had been actively fighting in a war. And Severus... she wasn't sure she could have stopped him from joining Voldemort if she had held on to him, and she had no idea what could have happened between them if she had never dated James, but abandoning him had plainly been a terrible mistake too.
I'm sorry!
Save your breath.
I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-
-slipped out?
He had been truly sorry, Lily had seen that in his eyes, but she had not allowed herself to fall again for Severus' remorseless show of remorse. He had always been sorry for hurting her, after all, but rarely for what he had done to hurt her. Lily had known that Severus would have never called her Mudblood under normal circumstances, that the word had indeed 'slipped out', but his slip had confirmed what she had long suspected and feared: that despite having always told her that it didn't make a difference to be muggle-born, he believed her inferior because of her birth. And Lily had not been able to let that pass.
What if that incident had been a turning point for Severus, though, a moment when he had been afraid enough of losing her as to be willing to reconsider his views, and Lily had denied him the forgiveness and help he had needed to see the right way?
I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.
No- listen, I didn't mean-
Lily had heard the desperation in his voice, but she had forced her heart to harden and her mind to remain firm, convinced that their friendship was doomed since Severus would join Voldemort sooner or later no matter what she said.
What if it had been her abandonment what had determined that he followed through with his intention of becoming a Death Eater, though? Lily had been the only person in his life trying to keep him away from the darkness, and not only she had given up on him, she had 'sided' with his worst enemy and chosen to help James become less of a toerag instead of helping her best friend or at least just being there for him. Shame on her!
Between the multiple layers of guilt, shame and self-hatred, though, there was grief, and not just grief over her dead family, or over Severus' past suffering. Lily was also grieving for herself, for the loss of her freedom, and her magic, and her dignity. Mostly she felt that she deserved what was happening to her, but some part of her protested that it wasn't fair, that despite her mistakes she was a good person, that Severus had hurt her and made her feel abandoned too, that she didn't deserve this.
It all hurt too much. She couldn't hold herself together nor even upright anymore, it was too much to bear, too hard to breathe. Her knees felt weak, she was shaking, and before she knew it she had slid to the bottom of the tub and broken apart, her tears and sobs drowned by the hot water still raining on her. Cold dread and nausea were added to her emotional mayhem when she found herself at eye level with the metal handle Severus had forced her to grab last night, and her own nauseating words resounded inside her anguished brain.
I will open my legs for the Dark Lord if he wants to fuck me.
What exactly would entail to be fucked by a sadistic psychopath that didn't even look human? It froze her blood to imagine those cruel eyes looking at her with lust, and it turned her stomach the idea of having whatever hung between that monster's legs pumping evil semen into her. As if that prospect weren't nightmarish enough, Lily believed Voldemort perfectly capable of making her hold her preserved dead baby while he raped her, or at least forcing her to look at the jar the entire time like Severus had forced her to look at James' body. And perhaps the worst part was to know that Severus not only would not object to Lily being raped by a sadistic monster, he would probably feel honoured to share her with his master and would even undress her and hold her still for Voldemort himself. They might even rape her together and bond over it, like Severus and Lucius Malfoy must have bonded fucking Narcissa Black together.
Lily was pretty sure that this was the definition of hell. She was haunted by her past, suffering her present, fearing her future, and she couldn't even escape her situation by killing herself.
I will torture and kill in your name one Muggle family for each day you force me to live without you.
She was trapped within her shameful skin and inside the depressing house that had also been Severus' hell, forced to face the consequences of her choices, with nothing but torment to look forward to.
"Open your mouth, Lily."
You will open your legs for him...
"You will drink this one way or another, Lily. Open your mouth."
I won't hurt you... unless you make me.
Lily was beyond caring about anything, though, so she ignored the threatening edge in the voice and wished to be left alone. She wasn't, of course, and her anguish reached its peak a moment later when her jaw was seized by a strong hand and something cold was pushed between her lips and past her teeth. Lily choked and tried to spit the disgusting stuff, but Severus forced her to swallow every single drop, and not content with that he made her drink two more potions, the last one so vile that she gagged on it and almost threw up. She curled into a ball and resumed her convulsing crying when he released her, but after a few seconds she began to calm down and to slowly emerge from her internal hell, her mind clearing as her breathing evened out and her nose decongested itself.
With calm came awareness of her surroundings and situation, and she registered for the first time that she was dry and back in her bed instead of wet and breaking apart in a bathtub. Had Dobby levitated her out of the bathroom? It seemed like the elf had called Severus, so maybe he had taken her out and carried her back to the bedroom as usual. Had Lily lost her shower privileges? Had Dobby been punished for her breakdown or for her missing lunch?
Her concern for the poor creature was forgotten when she noticed that Severus had begun to unfasten his robes, though, and if she could have cried through the extra-strong Calming Draught that she seemed to have been administered Lily would have broken into sobs again at the prospect of being used like a piece of meat when she felt so vulnerable. As it was, she just closed her eyes and shed silent tears when she felt Severus slid under the sheets with her, hoping he would be quick about it and praying that he wasn't in the mood for anything too rough or weird.
To her surprize and relief, however, when Severus put his hands on her it wasn't to restrain her, fondle her or force her legs open, but to pull her into his arms and hold her tightly against his chest. Lily felt inexpressible grateful when gentle fingers began to tread her hair and she realized that he was simply trying to comfort her, the gesture so unexpected and appreciated just when she needed it the most that it didn't matter to her at all that Severus was the reason why she needed comfort to begin with. His cold, harsh treatment had hurt so much, and she had felt so alone since that horrible night when she had lost it all... this was a welcomed reprieve for her grieving heart.
Lily rested her face on the soft fabric of Severus' shirt and allowed herself to relax, his familiar scent making her feel peaceful despite all the traumatic memories that it evoked. She supposed the Calming Draught must be keeping the chaos at bay, but years of unconditional trust and the fact that she was being held by a fundamental pillar of her Self might come into the equation as well. Severus had been an essential part of her life since she was nine years old, after all, and Lily had built herself as a person around that structural constant, so she couldn't help to feel more whole the closer she was to him even though she also felt broken and hollow.
This was painful in so many ways. Around this time of day last Sunday she had been struggling with Harry to get him to eat his mashed beans, now her son was dead and she was being comforted by the man who had gotten him killed. By Severus. Severus, who had brutally raped her twice in the last week and only hours ago had assaulted her in her sleep and threatened with making her bleed from her arse if she didn't express respect and gratefulness for her baby's murderer. Severus, whom Lily had abandoned when he had desperately needed her help and support; who had been abused by his father and bullied by James and brainwashed by Voldemort; who had first told her that she was a witch and was now punishing her for believing herself one.
It was so conflicting and confusing. Lily should hate Severus, but fucked-up as it was she couldn't help to still love him instead, to want to heal the wounds in his heart and fix everything that was twisted in his mind. She should want to kill him or at least put as much distance from him as possible, but she snuggled closer to him instead, attracted to his warm body as if it were a magnet and feeling reassured by his strong heartbeat.
"I know that this is hard for you, Lily," said Severus after several quiet minutes, his grave, soothing voice reminding her once more that he was no longer a boy, "but it will get easier when you understand and accept that you were with the wrong man, fighting for the wrong side, and holding on to a child that you should have never borne."
Comforting as it was to be cuddled, Lily wished with all her might that Severus would spare her the verbal torture and simply fuck her into oblivion. It was his words that hurt the most, always, words that punished and threatened and revealed terrible truths.
"James Potter was a jerk in love with his own reflection," continued Severus in and oddly neutral tone, "he would have grown bored and cheated on you sooner rather than later. And I have little doubt that he would have cast you aside in favour of some well-bred pureblood witch eventually, once the thrill of claiming what was mine had worn off. He certainly would have no longer had a reason to keep you if I had ever died, and then you would have been left to raise a child on your own, a child that I would bet my wand he intentionally planted inside you so you would agree to marry him." Severus brushed her cheek with his thumb, the gentle caress bringing new tears to her eyes. "Potter didn't love you, Lily, he just loved the idea of having what I wanted. You might not realize, but you needed to be protected from him, to get away before he could hurt you."
Lily wanted to deny every single word, but to her anguish she couldn't find in herself the conviction to object. She had already been considering the possibility that James might have cheated on her, and at this point she fully believed that at least initially he had only chased after her to hurt Severus. A part of her was convinced that he would have never turned his back on their family nor abandoned or disowned Harry, but the part that had begun to think of him again as an arrogant toerag couldn't help to fear that Severus might be right. James had lost several properties and pureblood privileges because of his decision to marry a Muggle-born, after all, and while he had said that he didn't care about that stuff she knew that he had resented to have to live in a small cottage in Godric's Hollow instead of in the ancestral Potter Manor where he had grown up, just as he had resented to have to dismiss all his house-elves —it had been Lily's condition to marry him. Would he have eventually cast her aside in favour of some traditional witch who didn't have an issue with house-elves and who could give him a pureblood heir and access to the rest of his inheritance? James had not thought less of Lily because of her muggle parentage, but he had been a privileged pureblood and he had not handled well to be denied anything that he had felt entitled to. James had said that marrying the woman he loved had been worth those sacrifices and more, but if he had only married her to hurt Severus...
What really disturbed her and made her feel suddenly nauseous, though, was the possibility that James might have gotten her pregnant on purpose. He had said that he had forgotten to cast the charm one time, but he had also said that he hadn't meant to penetrate her and 'accidentally' take her maidenhead. Lily hadn't wanted to get married so young precisely to avoid the pressure of having children, but once pregnant and having decided to keep the baby getting married had made sense...
Could James really have been so bad? Severus made him sound like a narcissist sociopath, but shouldn't she have realized that she was married to someone like that? Lily resisted to believe that she had been fooled, but the more she thought about it the more things she noticed in retrospect, and she was beginning to consider the possibility that she might indeed have needed help getting away from a person who had beguiled her so completely. The speech about protecting her was highly hypocritical coming from Severus, however, seeing that he had hurt her in every possible way over the last week, was currently trying to plant his own child inside her without her consent, and probably wouldn't even consider cheating to fuck other women since she was just a pet to him.
"Unlike Potter, I will never discard you nor cheat on you, Lily," said Severus as if in answer to her thoughts. "You're not a mere conquest to me, nor a trophy, nor a toy that I only want so someone else can't have it. I have wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time, long before Potter even noticed that you were a girl, and I will still want you and be faithful to you when you're old and wrinkled." He inhaled deeply into her hair, as if to fill his lungs with her scent. "I could never grow bored of you, Lily, and nothing could ever persuade me to leave you. Even if you couldn't give me children or satisfy all my needs and desires, I would not cast you aside nor seek other women."
Lily felt a lump form in her throat, her heart swelling painfully inside her chest. Severus hadn't exactly said that he loved her, but his words had sounded like a love declaration. Could she be more than a pet to him? Was he capable of love, or was he just obsessed with her? Sometimes it seemed like he cared about her, and there had been that one time when Lily had thought to see love in his eyes, but it couldn't be love whatever drove someone to rape, hurt, enslave and subjugate another person, right?
Love or not, at least his words had definitely sounded like a pledge of fidelity. Did he really intend to be faithful, or was he just saying these things to convince her that he was better than James? He certainly knew exactly what to say to reawaken her insecurities and make her doubt her dead husband, who had never made her feel safe in regards to fidelity and constancy. No matter how many times or how vehemently James had told her that he loved her and that there would never be anyone else for him, Lily had always feared that he would leave her for another woman if she didn't give him everything he wanted, particularly children and sexual pleasure. That had been the main reason why she had decided to keep the baby despite the bad timing, and why she had regularly sucked his cock despite feeling like a whore doing that. Even having made those compromises she had still felt insecure, since James had wanted more children and he had not concealed his frustration when she had refused to indulge his gross desire of using her anus for sex. Would he have eventually cast her aside if she had not caved in about making another baby, or would he have just 'forgotten' to cast the contraceptive charm again? Would he have cheated with someone more willing to let him stick it wherever he wanted, or would he have 'accidentally' forced his penis into the wrong orifice one day? Lily was pretty sure that she wouldn't have swallowed that lie, but she very much feared that she would have forgiven his painful transgression and that, just like when he had taken her maidenhead, once her arse had been claimed she wouldn't have found reasons to not let him try that again —especially having discovered that despite the pain and embarrassment it was disturbingly arousing to have something inserted in that forbidden place.
Severus might be right about James, but that didn't mean that he was better. It was easy for him to say that he would not cast her aside if she didn't give him children when he could simply force her to bear as many children as he wanted, just as he probably wouldn't feel the need to seek other women when he could use Lily's body to indulge all his sexual fantasies no matter how weird, painful or humiliating. Still, it was conflicting to find herself trusting Severus' vow of fidelity more than she had trusted James', and —death of her child aside— preferring Severus' blunt method of getting what he wanted over James' sneaky one. Lily was beginning to realize that James had technically raped her that first time (no wonder she had felt so awful and traumatized), and that he had coerced her to swallow his cum and often have sex when she didn't really want to under the implicit threat of having his sexual needs attended elsewhere if she didn't satisfy him. It also seemed like he might have knocked her up on purpose despite knowing that the possibility of getting pregnant terrified her, as well as made her feel monstrous for considering an abortion and all but threatened her with breaking up if she didn't agree to get married. When put that way, James sounded just as bad as Severus, but while Severus was honest about who he was and what he was doing, James had lied and deceived her, forcing her to do things she didn't want to do or that she wasn't ready for but somehow making her feel that it had been her fault or her decision. What Severus was doing to her was much worse, in a way, but at least he didn't make her feel insecure nor obligated to pleasure him, and there was something conflictingly reassuring about knowing that he was never going to let her go.
"You must think the worst of me," continued Severus after a quiet pause, his voice almost sad, "but everything I'm doing is to protect you, Lily. You were not safe with Potter, fighting for the losing side of the war, and you will not be safe on this side either if you don't learn your place. A place that would not be quite so low if you had stayed by my side and supported my wish to join the Dark Lord, by the way, or if you had accepted the Dark Lord's invitation to join him as well instead of joining the Order of the Phoenix. My master not only would have allowed me to marry you, he was willing to make an exception and accept a Mudblood in his ranks to indulge me, but you rejected his unparalleled generosity and chose to defy him instead so you can hardly expect him to let you live as anything more than a pet now."
Severus' words threw her thoughts and emotions into complete disarray. She could remember all too clearly that ominous day when a black eagle owl had landed in front of her carrying Voldemort's elegant invitation to join his dark organization. James and Sirius had received invitations too —all purebloods in Britain and many half-bloods had—, but Lily receiving one had seemed like an obvious attempt to lure a Muggle-born into a trap. Had it been a real invitation, or was Severus deceiving himself into thinking that Voldemort would have welcomed Lily as a Death Eater instead of murdering her or enslaving her? Not that she would have ever considered to join that monster, of course, but the fact —assuming it was a true fact— that Severus had wanted her to fight by his side as a Death Eater suggested that he actually respected her as a witch, which was even more significant than the fact that his intentions had been honourable enough at some point in time as for him to want to marry her. Could it be that he was only treating her as a pet because Voldemort had only agreed to spare her on that condition? Could Severus really be trying to protect her, in his wildly misguided way? Clearly he believed that Voldemort was going to win the war, so he might truly believe that Lily would be safer being his sex slave —as long as she 'learned her place' and didn't piss off Voldemort any more than she already had— than she would have been fighting for a lost cause.
"You don't realize how fortunate you are, Lily, to have been spared by the Dark Lord and given to someone who wants to make you happy rather than make you suffer. You don't realize either how quickly your luck could change. It wasn't easy for me to forgive your betrayal, nor for the Dark Lord to forgive your defiance; if you provoke or disrespect us instead of proving yourself contrite and grateful you won't leave us any choice but to reconsider our forgiveness. I discipline you to protect you from the consequences that would have on you."
A shudder ran through her. It was blood-chilling to hear Severus refer to himself and Voldemort in the second-person plural, as if they were one entity or at least the same sort of person. Just when she had been considering the possibility that Severus might be doing what he was doing only to protect her from Voldemort. But of course she had known that he was punishing her too, for abandoning him and for marrying James, and he had already made pretty clear that he would make her suffer if she provoked or disobeyed him. Severus had said that he had forgiven her, though, and his harsh discipline did seem to be aimed to correct her behaviour so she wouldn't do anything that would earn her a more severe punishment. Considering that she had hurt him deeply and that Severus had never been a forgiving person, Lily supposed that she was fortunate that he was trying to protect her from himself as well as from Voldemort. He currently had the power to do whatever he wanted to her, and despite having supposedly forgiven her he clearly was still so angry with Lily that she would actually expect him to keep punishing her forever, but instead of brutally raping her every time or hitting her just to hurt her Severus was making an effort to control his anger and to only punish her for new offenses. Right now he was comforting her instead of coldly using her body and leaving her to cry alone, as if he cared...
It was one thing to submit to Severus and quite another to 'prove herself contrite and grateful' to Voldemort, though. Lily would never thank that sick bastard for having spared her life when she would have very much rathered dying along with her family, nor she would ever apologize for defying him, and she would rather be crucio'd than willingly bow before the man that had murdered her baby. She feared that the sadistic monster might decide to rape her if she didn't show him proper respect and submission the next time they met, though. Was Severus trying to protect her from that by forcefully teaching her how she must behave around Voldemort? Lily had thought he was doing it out of devotion to his master, but maybe he was doing it for her, or because he really didn't want to share her with anyone and he knew what Voldemort would do if she disrespected him. Or maybe Severus feared that the bastard might change his mind about sparing her life if she didn't seem grateful enough...
A few days ago —even just an hour ago— Lily would have gladly provoked Voldemort into killing her, but she was getting a sense of just how much her death would hurt Severus and that made her want to live if only to spare him further suffering. Which of course was conflicting, given that Severus had also been involved in her son's death —and whatever he might say about protecting her, that had been about protecting Voldemort and/or about wiping every last bit of James Potter from the face of the Earth. She felt so guilty for having abandoned him, however, especially now that it seemed like he might have truly not meant anything by calling her a filthy Mudblood that day by the lake, that she suspected she wouldn't be able to hate him even if he had murdered her baby with his own hands. The mental image of Severus waiting for her in their playground, hoping for forgiveness that would never come while his back hurt and bled under his shirt, made simply impossible for Lily to blame him for anything, and the fact that Severus seemed to have forgiven her enough to be offering her comfort now instead of punishing her further made her feel that maybe she ought to make an effort to forgive him too. Even if he didn't feel remorseful at all for what he had done.
"The Dark Lord will always be an important figure in your life, Lily," said Severus after another pause, "so you should try to stop seeing him as an enemy. I know that your pride will get in the way, but pride can only lead to humiliation, and as to the death of your child... You must not take that personally. This is war, and in war enemies are killed. It has also been a common war practice since the beginning of times to desecrate and exhibit the corpses of enemies, as it has been to slaughter their children and take their women as prizes for their own pleasure or to bestow on their subjects. Unlike most women in history you can't even complain, since you weren't simply the wife and mother of enemies of the Dark Lord but a declared enemy yourself too."
The abrupt change of perspective filled Lily with a sense of unreality, but it also cleared her brain as if a gust of wind had just blown through her overburden skull. Of course nothing that Severus said would ever convince her that what Voldemort had done to her family had not been monstrous, but it was discomfiting to realize that he indeed had not done anything that hadn't been customarily done in countless wars through human history, and not necessarily by evil psychopaths. Lily was suddenly reminded of a classic she had read, the Iliad, in which the hero Achilles had been given a virgin priestess as a war prize, and he ended up dragging the body of his enemy until it was completely disfigured. If her memory didn't fail her, she had also read somewhere that Hector's infant son had been thrown from a tower when Troy had fallen, and his wife had been taken as a concubine by the man who had killed her baby. Horrible stuff like that no doubt had happened for real in past wars, and like Severus said Lily had chosen to fight in a war so she couldn't even complain about what had happened to her as a result. James had also made his choice, and they had both chosen to have Harry so they couldn't complain about their son having become a victim of war as well.
What unsettled her, however, was to remember that in the Iliad Achilles and his war prize (Briseis?) had supposedly fallen mutually in love, and that when she had read that book Lily had been rooting for Achilles despite the fact that he was a ruthless killer fighting for the "bad guys". He had seemed to her a much more interesting and passionate character than Hector, more human and flawed despite being a demigod. Selfish, angry, vengeful, holding mighty grudges... Very much like Severus, now that she thought about it. And the way Severus had taken her last night, all covered in blood and sweat as if he had just come from battle, so rough and primitive and yet wildly arousing... Lily could easily picture Achilles taking Briseis that way after a long day killing Trojans, and she suspected that Briseis wouldn't have minded. Truth be told, Lily hadn't minded much either, except for the fact that she had been left unsatisfied.
"It is all well and good to fight for what you believe, Lily," was now saying her personal Achilles, "but once you lose the reasonable thing to do is to bend the knee and submit to the winner's rule, if you're lucky enough to be granted a pardon. You can be sure that Potter would have made that choice if he had lived to see the end of the war and if the Dark Lord had offered to let him retain his life, freedom and social status in exchange of his fealty and some gold —and of course on the condition that he took a proper wife and produced a pureblood heir. You might want to think that your jerk of a husband would not have taken the deal, that he would have preferred to die rather than bend the knee and leave you and your son to slavery, but I assure you that many purebloods currently fighting for the light side will reconsider their defiance and do anything for a pardon when the Dark Lord takes over."
Lily shuddered again and snuggled closer to Severus without thinking. He seemed so certain that Voldemort was going to win the war, and that James would have cast her aside to save himself, that she couldn't help to feel relieved that she would be safely imprisoned here instead of with James when everything went to hell. She knew that she should want to be out there, still fighting for what was right, but she felt so vulnerable and defeated now, and Severus made it all sound so hopeless and dark... What if he was right about everything and she really was safer here with him than anywhere else? Would her family have met tragedy even if Voldemort hadn't attacked their home last week? Would her son have died anyway —or worse, become a slave— if there hadn't been a Prophecy? Lily found hard to believe that James would have ever chosen to bend the knee instead of dying on his feet fighting like a Gryffindor, but she couldn't even be certain of what she would have done if Voldemort had won the war. Her only hope for survival and freedom in that scenario would have been to escape abroad with her child, and James would have likely gone with them, but what if they had been unable to flee? What if at the end of the war all Order members had been cornered and forced to choose between bending the knee or dying? Of course in Lily's case bending the knee would have meant bending over and becoming a sex slave, but James as the last pure descendant of an old pureblood lineage probably could have negotiated a pardon, and she feared that he wouldn't have hesitated much to cast her and Harry aside if that had been part of the deal. Would have Severus been able to claim her for himself in that scenario too? Would he have allowed her to keep her son with her, if Harry had not been a threat to Voldemort? Or would he have killed her baby and stuck it in a glass jar himself, like he had threatened to do to her next child if it looked anything like James?
The Calming Draught must have already worn off, or else it wasn't strong enough to keep too powerful emotions at bay, because suddenly Lily was overwhelmed by panic and horror at the thought that James might have been trying to impregnate her again without her knowledge, so she might be right now carrying another child that would end up stuck in a glass jar. Suddenly she was shaking and gasping for air while tears ran down her face, feeling herself descending into hell again, except that this was much worse than her breakdown in the bathtub. Lily was terrified. She couldn't breathe, her chest hurt, she felt chilled to the bone and nauseously hot at the same time, her ears were ringing, her heart pounding...
She barely noticed when more potions were forced down her throat, their taste either neutral or completely irrelevant in her current state, but she did immediately notice that whatever Severus had given her was much much stronger than the previous Calming Draught. Lily not only calmed down at once, soon it was as if she had liquid peace running through her veins and nothing but serene awareness inside her brain, not a single memory or conflict stressing her mind or burdening her heart.
"You're safe with me, Lily," said a grave, soothing voice. "I will always protect you."
Lily couldn't quite process who the haggard-looking person leaning over her was, but she knew instinctively that it was someone she could trust. She felt safe with him, protected, and when the man removed his shirt, exposing a strong body full of scars, she also felt sexually attracted to him, assaulted by a sudden urge to touch his body. Just when she was about to act on that impulse, however, both her arms were captured and pinned above her head, which made her feel vaguely frustrated but also secure, the firm pressure on her wrists sort of reassuring.
And then he was touching her. Unable to process any thoughts, everything was sensation and feeling for Lily, impulse and drive. There was nothing inside her mind besides the disjointed impression of soft fingers setting her skin on fire as they explored her body, and the urges that such stimulation aroused, one desire leading to another, and another, and another. When the man took a firm grip on her wrists, Lily wished for more contact and pressure, and he gave her more, but then she wished for even more contact and pressure, craving to be touched in more places or more thoroughly, nothing ever seeming to be enough to satiate her. The man kissed her neck, nibbled it, bit her... and she wanted more; he traced small circles around one of her nipples, rubbed it between his fingers, took it in his mouth and assaulted it with his lips and tongue and teeth... and she wanted more; he touched her down there, stroking her clitoris and folds in such a relentless way that she ended up seeing stars with waves of pleasure rippling all through her body... and she wanted more.
"Tell me what you want, Lily," whispered the man when she began to squirm again after her climax.
"I want you," she said at once, still breathless. "You inside me. Please..."
The feel of his cock brushing against her had been driving her crazy, but so far her desperate need to be filled had been ignored.
"Do you want me to take you?" asked the man, cupping her sex with his hand and pressing one of his fingers against her hungry lips.
"Yes," she said in desperation. "Take me, please..."
Her wrists were finally released, but before Lily could try to touch him the man turned her on her side with her back to him and, positioning himself behind her, grabbed her firmly by the neck and forced her to bend over.
"Do you want me to make you mine?" he asked, clasping her hip with his other hand and pressing his hard erection against her.
"Yes," cried Lily, wiggling her rump in an attempt to align her entrance with his cock. "Make me yours, please..."
She held her breath when at long last something more substantial than fingers was pushed past her wet lips and began to slowly stretch her, filling her up to the brim until she was completely occupied and Lily felt exquisitely stuffed, the pressure inside her so comforting and reassuring that she felt peaceful again, calm, secure.
"How do you feel, Lily?" asked the person buried inside her, caressing her back soothingly.
"I feel... whole," she whispered softly. "Safe."
"Do you want more?"
"Yes," she said in a small voice. "Please."
Lily felt anxious when the man slowly withdrew himself from her, but relaxed when he filled her up again. She almost begged him to stay inside and not go anywhere ever again, but she truly wanted more, she needed more. More pressure, more movement, more... something.
She realized what that something was when the man re-filled again, this time not being so gentle about it.
"More, please..." she implored, clutching the sheets for support and pushing herself against the cock impaling her. "Harder... Faster..."
The man complied, reaffirming his grip on her before beginning to ram into her harder, and harder, and harder, lunging as fast and suddenly as lightening but backing up more slowly, with an unrushed rhythm to his thrusts. Lily craved for even more, but he was giving her what she needed, pounding into her hard and fast enough to keep her anxiety at bay, making her feel whole, safe, contained, so she closed her eyes and let herself be soothed. Again she didn't realize what exactly was the 'more' she craved for until she felt another orgasm building up inside her and the man began to plunge more purposely into her, pushing her closer, and closer, and closer, until Lily was finally sent over the edge and she blacked out.
She came to briefly when her body was manoeuvred into an upright position and yet another potion was forced down her throat.
The next time she woke up her brain was working normally again, so Lily was immediately assaulted by a multitude of horrible memories, anguishing realities, and distressing conflicts, but before everything could come back to her she was distracted by the realization that she wasn't alone. Severus was still lying next to her, deeply asleep judging by his slow, rhythmic breathing. It was the first time ever that Lily saw him sleep, and the first time that he stayed after fucking her, so it was strange and surprizing to see him like that, so relaxed and vulnerable, sharing a bed with her. Perhaps he had not intended to stay? Severus had looked beyond tired, so haggard that Lily suspected he had not had a chance to sleep after all his Death Eater and sexual activity last night, and he had fucked her really hard just now so it was only natural that he had finally succumbed to exhaustion.
As more traumatic memories and disturbing facts flooded her mind, it occurred to her that she probably should take advantage of Severus' unusual vulnerability to try to escape, but she dismissed the notion at once knowing that she would have to kill him to have a chance, and not only that didn't seem feasible at all without a wand, Lily knew that she would never be able to do it. And now more than ever she didn't want to go anywhere without him, she wasn't even completely sure that she wanted to escape...
Lily shook her head to herself. Of course she wanted to escape, what was she thinking? She didn't want to be locked up here, suffering like this, being used as a sex slave, subjugated, disciplined, drugged...
Or did she?
Severus had drugged her, yes, but Lily wasn't sure she had wanted things she didn't really want under the effects of the drug. Whatever substance he had given her seemed to have just shut up her brain so she could feel and enjoy without guilt, shame, grief, fear or confusion getting in the way, and while of course Severus had taken advantage of that Lily suspected that his main reason to drug her had been to give her a break from her internal hell. To make her feel good, whole, and unburdened for a little while.
Severus cared about her.
He was trying to protect her.
She was more than a pet to him.
He had respected her enough as a witch as to want for her to be a Death Eater like him. His equal.
He was willing to forgive her for having hurt him.
Lily slid closer to Severus under the blankets and snuggled against his warm body again, her heart swelling when he emerged from his slumber long enough to wrap his arm around her and press a tender kiss to her forehead. She allowed herself to relax in his arms, feeling comforted by his smell, grateful for his presence, heart-broken at the sight of the burning scars on his chest.
She had almost fallen asleep again when she remembered what had triggered her latest breakdown, and while somehow she managed not to freak out this time, horror and fear once more saturated her mind and heart.
Would Severus truly kill her next child if it turned out to be James'?