Chapter 135: November 1998
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person that you are."
-Marilyn Monroe
The weather was absolutely abysmal. But, it was the first week of November and the Full Moon was approaching swiftly, Remus blamed his foul mood on the rain and its toll on his arthritic bones. He adjusted the hood of his cloak and cast another warming charm as his boots squelched against the sodden ground. Mika skipped ahead of him, happily flouncing through oily puddles and laughing as she slid in the mud.
Against Remus' better judgement, they'd travelled by apparition. He didn't love the idea of popping them both halfway across the country, but given the day and the need to secure a meeting as soon as possible, he was left with few options. They didn't exactly have the time to travel on foot to Ottery St Catchpole and since they'd been living at the cottage and not on the streets of London, their funds were running short.
Mika had done surprisingly well for not being used to apparating. After she'd stood doubled over with her hands on her knees (trying not to lose her breakfast), she perked up with a quick swat to Remus' chest for keeping such a quick way of travel from her. He'd only sighed and explained—again—that it wasn't exactly safe considering he wasn't sure how the Ministry tracked apparition.
As they climbed the slick hills overlooking the muggle village below, Remus couldn't help but take a moment to appreciate the haphazard home that sat far back beyond the orchards. The smokestack was barely visible through the haze of fog and mist, but he could make out a thin stream of smoke billowing into the sky above it. For a moment, he wondered what it would be like to knock on the Weasley's door again. To see Molly's ever-warm smile as she ushered him into her home and fussed over how thin he'd gotten. He wondered if Arthur was back at the Ministry yet or if he'd been permanently removed after the fiasco during the last year, given the chaos that was sure to ensue, he hoped he was still home.
He thought that maybe he should alert Kingsley to the hell that would be coming. He was a capable man, Remus knew, and he'd do well with the information. But, he wasn't sure how he would be able to relay it without implicating himself or putting Mika at risk. There was a good chance the Ministry wouldn't believe a couple of werewolves on the subject of impending war—even if Kingsley was a good person.
Slowly, he forced himself to look away from the Burrow and trudge on. Daydreaming of better times would not be helpful now, no matter how much he craved Molly's cooking or the warmth of the fire that crackled in their living room.
As they reached the top of the hill, Remus could see the Lovegoods' home. A strange, cylindrical structure made of stone that sat rigid against the grey sky. He'd never been to this house—had never had a reason. Even when he'd given full support to Xenophilius' publication back when Harry, Ron, and Hermione had gone missing for months on end, he'd never visited. It had been too dangerous for him to be out of hiding. Werewolf or not, he was a known supporter of not only Albus Dumbledore, but also Harry Potter, and it did him no favours with the snatchers or the Ministry.
A strange smell assaulted his nose the closer they got to the Lovegoods' home. A peculiar mix of burnt fish and patchouli that unsettled his stomach and left his mouth dry. From the corner of his eye, he could see Mika's face wrinkle in disgust.
"What is that smell?"
"Be nice," Remus tutted. "We're uninvited guests here."
Mika shot him a rude hand gesture before rolling her eyes and climbing up the stairs.
"Wait," Remus shot a hand out to stop her, gripping just below her elbow. "Did my glamour charm stay put?"
Mika looked him over and shrugged, "I mean, you don't exactly look like you."
He nodded once before releasing his grip, giving her the silent go-ahead to knock.
Mika's knuckles collided with the door in three swift, firm raps. They waited, tapping their toes anxiously, as the sound of movement came from inside. After a few moments, the door flung open and Luna Lovegood stared at them both with wide eyes.
"Well, hello. Can I help you?"
"I'm Mika," she began, motioning to herself before swinging her hand toward Remus. "And this is R—"
"John," he interrupted. "My name is John."
Mika narrowed her eyes at him momentarily before turning back toward Luna. "We're here because we think you can help us."
Luna looked over her shoulder for a moment, "I'll be back in a moment. I have some friends here that want to talk."
They heard a muffled acquiescence and Luna stepped out, closing the door behind her. She skipped down the stairs, bare toes sinking into the mud as she led them around the back of the house toward a small gardening shed. Inside, Remus had to hunch to avoid knocking his head against the rafters, the three of them taking up all available space.
"It's much more private in here," Luna hummed, turning to light a small lamp that sat on a shelf.
"Thank you," Remus said, truly grateful for the privacy.
"You're welcome, Professor."
Remus froze, his eyes unblinking as he stared at Luna. "Erm…I'm not…"
Luna giggled and shook her head, "You don't have to hide yourself here, Professor. I won't tell anyone."
"I don't—"
"Give it up," Mika groaned. "She clearly knows."
Remus shot Mika a look that said something along the lines of shut the fuck up, but she just shrugged, slumping down onto a bag of what looked to be like bird feed.
"Everyone thought you were dead," Luna stated, matter-of-fact. "I'm sure they'll be pleased to know you aren't."
"Luna, the thing is, you can't…you can't tell anyone that you've seen me. I need them to believe I'm dead."
She looked thoughtful for a minute before nodding, "Okay."
"Okay?" Mika prodded, "That's it? He comes to tell you he's not dead and he just gets an 'okay' from you?"
Luna smiled as she turned to Mika, "Well, I'm not sure it would be appropriate to give him a hug. And, I'm sure he has a good reason to remain in hiding," she turned back to face Remus again. "Does this have something to do with Harry trying to re-establish The Order of the Phoenix, Professor?"
"Luna, you don't have to—I'm not your Professor. I haven't been for a long time. You can call me Remus."
"Remus," Luna said, dragging out the vowels. "I like it. I think it suits you."
"Erm, thanks," Remus shifted his weight a bit, his neck beginning to ache from the strange angle he had to stand to avoid bashing his head.
"Can we get to the point? It's bloody freezin' out here," Mika grumbled, sending a scathing look toward Remus.
Luna smiled politely, pulling her wand from behind her ear to cast a warming charm around them. "I'm sorry. I didn't think to cast warming charms, but I don't usually make habit of sitting in the shed in November." She tucked the wand behind her ear again, "It's close to the full moon, are you safe to travel back to where you're staying?"
"How does she—"
A small, tinkling laugh from Luna cut off Mika. "Well, Professor Lupin—Remus, was outed as a werewolf when he taught at Hogwarts in my second year. And you have the same eyes, so I just assumed. Plus, you're covered in wrackspurts and they tend to flock toward magical creatures more often than not."
Mika shifted uncomfortably, "What the hell is a—"
"It's not important," Remus interrupted, digging through his pocket for the note Nikolai had sent. He held it out to Luna, "We have someone on the inside who is keeping us updated. Death Eaters are planning an attack at the Ministry on the fourteenth."
"That's when all of us are being honoured," Luna said, her lips tugging down as she looked at the crumpled parchment. "The Ministry will be filled with people."
"We know," Remus agreed. "That's why I need you to pass this information along. Keep the letter as proof, give it to Harry or Hermione or whoever can do something about it."
Luna tapped her chin, "I can't tell them the information came from you. Do you think Harry will believe me?"
"He will," Mika cut in, her voice confident.
"Luna, you're friends with Harry. He loves you. He'll take your word and at the very least, he'll have his guard up—maybe get some people in place. The Ministry is going to fall that day, but we can get as many people out of the way as we can in the process."
"You want the Ministry to fall?" Luna asked, her large eyes clouded with confusion.
"No, I don't. But, it's going to happen. It has to, do you understand?"
Luna stared at Remus in a silence that lasted several awkward seconds. Her blonde brows were pinched together as if trying to work something out, trying to solve some sort of problem in her head. Finally, her head bobbed in a slight nod.
"You aren't a seer, it's not possible for most Dark Magical Creatures," she began, her eyes flicking back and forth between Remus and Mika. "But, you know more than you should. Why is that?"
"It's complicated," Remus said.
Luna grinned, "Most things often are. Professor—forgive me, it's going to take awhile—you have a mate, don't you?"
Remus' spine went rigid, "I…what?"
"It's just that I can see the way your magic buzzes around you, like an aura of sorts. It's not normal, not like hers," she pointed to Mika "it's as if you have a mate, but they aren't connected yet. Does this have something to do with it?"
It has everything to do with it. "It doesn't matter," Remus said. "What matters is getting that information to Harry."
"Have they set up a safe house yet?" Mika asked, her arms crossed as she shivered.
"I'm not sure it would be wise to tell you if they had," Luna stated.
Remus was flustered, his temper beginning to rise as they beat around the point. "We already know Harry is working to secure a location."
Luna surveyed him for a few moments before slowly nodding, "He's trying to reassemble The Order of the Phoenix to the best of his ability, but there's not any real direction right now. He couldn't give any answers to anyone when they asked why it was necessary. Just that he was told it would be."
Mika smirked, "Glad he listened."
"You approached him?" Luna inquired.
Mika nodded, "Yeah. Told him to get the band back together."
Luna laughed, "You're quite funny."
Remus didn't miss the pink that stained Mika's cheeks as she mumbled a response.
"Can you get Harry the information soon, Luna?" Remus asked, taking her attention away from Mika.
"Oh, I think so," Luna agreed.
Two days later, Remus found himself bent over a sprawling parchment. His hand cramped as he continued copying a map of the UK with magical ink. He whispered every tracking charm he could think of as his quill moved in long strokes, careful not to break the perimeter of the country. He'd barely slept since meeting with Luna, his face buried in every single magical cartography book he could get his hands on. Without the use of blood magic or other ancient rituals, it would be difficult, but it was possible to make a map. Maybe even one that was better than he had made at twenty-one years old while stuffed away inside the Shrieking Shack with Hermione.
It would be far more practical, and while he couldn't get it to only track specific people, he'd been able to perfect the formula to only track magical people. And that was enough. If anything, it was better. He'd be able to keep an eye on Dolohov and his lot as well as The Order and see where moves were being made. He was also curious to see if the map would produce any magical hot spots. Particularly ones that may lead him to a specific fountain he'd been aching over for years.
It's almost time
I know
There's no room here
I know that, too. You'll have to just make do this time around.
I want to run. We've had success. I will not be shut away again.
Clearly, I can't shut you up even when I try to.
I am the only reason this little project is working for you. Don't let that slip your useless mind.
Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Moony had a point, he knew, but it was still aggravating to have the beast insulting him at every turn.
His magic felt white-hot—powerful. With every spell he whispered, he could feel the magic in his words weaving its way through the ink on the page. He knew that Moony's boost was helping him create this map, but it wouldn't matter if he couldn't get it done.
His eyes burned from lack of sleep, his vision blurry. Maybe if his human body was exhausted enough, Moony wouldn't be able to ravage him from being locked in the cellar for the duration of the full moon.
As the clock ticked on and the sun began to set, Remus finally got to a good stopping point with the map. He set wards along the perimeter of the house, just in case, and undressed in the bedroom, taking his wand into the cellar with him. The door fell closed as he fumbled down the dark, steep stairs. He placed a few more wards on the door and the walls, securing himself in for the night.
Mika had opted to be left in the countryside woods, claiming she would be fine on her own and she would make her way back to Remus as soon as the sun came up in the morning. He didn't have time to argue with her, to try and convince her to hole up in the cellar with him. He needed to get to work and get this map done before The Ministry was ambushed.
He blasted a small hole in the wall, deep enough to insert his wand into, and sat on the floor. The waiting was the worst part. It had always been the worst part. The pain he learned to expect, the shattering of bones and the rearrangement of his organs was never a comfortable experience, but he knew what to expect. But, waiting for it to happen…? Sitting and twiddling his thumbs, knowing what was going to rip through him in the next few minutes? The anticipation was almost worst than the pain itself.
He lurched forward, his teeth clenched as his back contorted at a strange angle. His eyes slammed shut and he could feel the vein in his neck throbbing as he grit his teeth, trying not to let the scream tear through his throat.
Distantly, as his wrists and ankles began to break apart, he thought that maybe if he could find the fountain and bring back all the muggleborns that had been cursed, then maybe—just maybe—they could figure out how to make lycanthropy bearable.
He wasn't thick enough to think he could cure it. After all, it was a disease that had been around for millennia, but maybe they could figure out a way to lessen the pain. To make wolfsbane more effective so they wouldn't have to break themselves apart every month. It was a nice thought, something to dream of on days when he wasn't writhing on the floor in his own vomit as his skull split and reshaped itself.
The thought of freedom was the last thing that crossed his mind before it went black, succumbing completely to the pain.
Moony blinked, shaking his head, feeling the fur along his back dance in the air. It felt good to be out, to be in charge for once. It felt good to stand in this…
What the fuck is this? A prison? A cellar? It smelled dank and mouldy. Like water had been sitting for far too long and started to grow and collect fuzzy samples of things that ought not to be in houses. It was putrid and Moony wanted to get away from it. He bounded up the stairs in three leaps and threw his body against the door.
It didn't budge.
Fucking useless
Moony traipsed back down the stairs, looking for a window, a door, a weak wall—anything that would allow him passage to the outside where he could run and feel free.
He missed his mate. He missed his pack. He missed the ability to stretch his limbs across miles of overgrown grass. To climb and jump and dig.
Hermione was not afraid of him. She had never been afraid of him. She had seen him inside the useless sack of flesh that was Remus Lupin and she had stood her ground. She had woven her magic into his and allowed the human to claim her heart.
She was all that mattered.
She was all that mattered.
She was all that mattered.
His fucking human was so obsessed with maps and fountains and trivial things that didn't matter. They had to wait, they had to protect, but they didn't have to be miserable. And, as much as Moony wanted Remus to throw himself off a cliff most days, he was tired of feeling the sadness that broke the man apart. He was tired of the sickness that was always around the edges, waiting to take them both over, to destroy them.
Because whether or not he liked it, Remus Lupin was a part of Moony just as much as Moony was a part of Remus Lupin. And, his foul moods and depressive episodes sank into Moony's bones the same way Moony's anger seeped through Remus. They were connected. They were two sides of the same coin. Moony could only keep the sickness at bay for so long and the sooner Remus figured that out, the easier things would be.
Though, he'd always been a bit thick, in that regard.
The sun came up and Remus took a gasping breath, sitting upright as his body shook against the cold, dirt floor. He did his usual check-over, stretching out his limbs, rolling his ankles, wiggling his fingers, twisting at the waist…
Nothing seemed broken or dislodged for once and he let out a sigh of relief. He had expected, at the very least, a broken finger or two. He was pleased to see that his exhaustion paid off and maybe Moony had just slept through the night.
He got up to retrieve his wand and make his way upstairs, craving nothing else but a hot shower and his bed. He stopped, looking at the lines in the dirt that crudely spelt out a message.
U R ME
a/n: Hi friends! Sorry for the delay in the update. Life and muse and stuff *waves around vaguely* but, with any luck we'll start getting to more regular updates again soon! Thank you so much for reading! 3
xo
mimi