"Through me is the way to the city dolent;
Through me is the way to the eternal pain;
Through me is the way those who are lost have went.
In my Creator was Justice so ordained;
That He created me in Omnipotence,
Highest Wisdom and primal Love unconstrained.
Before me came no created things. Immense
Eternity only, eternal I last.
Abandon all hope, those who now enter hence!"
I beheld these words, and there I stood, aghast.
At the summit of a great gate were they wrote,
Written there on by hands that had long since passed.
To my Guide I turned: "What a horrible quote!
What the fuck does it mean?" Smiling again, he
Said his piece: "Of my words, you must now take note!
Abandon your fear, for enter here must we.
We have arrived at Inferno's mournful gate,
And through it are those bent over Heaven's knee."
His words made me laugh, my mood did they elate!
"So you say that God's into some BDSM?
What a kinky fucker is it that you hate!"
He laughed as well, and his eyes gleamed as though gems.
"What can I say? God is the original
Dominant! For always has he punished them
Who broke his dumb rules! Aphrodisiacal
He must find it!" At that we strode in, onward
Into the gate, into the transitional
Area of Hell. Inside, we moved forward,
And then came the cries and the laments of those
Poor souls residing within. Their cries tortured
Came to my ears, and on me did they impose
A terror which I cannot really describe.
The place was filled, a forest so foliose
It was. To them, no number could I proscribe.
Turning to Steve, I spoke, "Now, just who the fuck
Are these that wail such forsaken diatribe?"
And he: "Fear not! They are those who are now stuck
Between Heaven and Hell. Those indecisive
Souls who could not commit, including those schmucks
Among the angels who did not wholly give
Themselves to God. Neither Heaven or Hell will
Accept them. Here they will stay, ruminative
Of their crimes." Then came a cry, so harsh and shrill:
"Plank, you bastard!" Some guy's wrath did we incur.
"Fucking christ, every time," said Steve. He stood til
The man approached. It was one Henry Winkler
With a steel chair! What's more, it had nails driven
Into it to increase its killing power!
Against this foe had Steve once fought and striven,
And thus was brought to prominence. He now
Drew from his pocket a pill of Ativan
And cast it into the mouth of Winkler. How,
I do not know, but a change came over him
At once. Steve then ushered me to a shore, brow
Furrowed. He spoke to me, his tone dark and grim:
"Winkler is an example of an angel
Out for himself." Now we stood at water's brim,
Surrounded by the wailing entrants to Hell.
Across the water, a boat sailed towards us,
Oared by an old man; Through water did he propel
The boat, crying to those who were treasonous
To the laws of God: "Hail, ya pitiful souls!
All aboard, I am the polyamorous
Ship captain, and it's me alone who controls
The passage of this river! It is for my
Many wives that I must now forever pull
The oars on the river Archeron! 'Fore I
Have you embark, let me name them all for ya!
Pathy, Werewolfica, The Rachel, Forks, Knives,
The Incredible Diana, Marvela,
History Knower, Cowfabrow, Sophie Choice,
Symphony, Sympathy, Baby Jessica
And Dutaba!" On and on and on his voice
Continued. When Steve and I came aboard ship,
He blocked me. "Okay, now this really annoys
Me! I don't like stow-aways!" "Now get a grip!"
Said Steve, slapping him. "God, I miss old Charon.
She's here to travel through Hell, you freakin' dip.
She comes at Nibbles request. Now let her on."
The polyamorous ship captain let out
A gasp. "Oh god, please don't kill me! Woebegone
Polyamorous ship captain am I! Doubt
Has left me! If she's here because of Nibbles
Then she's welcome to join us on river route!
Say, wanna become one of my wives?" Ripples
Went out from where he fell in the water, as
Steve pushed him in. I grabbed his oar, and bubbles
Issued from the water where he sank. I passed
The oar to Steve, who began to sail the boat
Away from the shore. Already, there stood massed
Waiting their chance to cross the accursed moat.